Posted 8:01 PM by Gene

And when I read a story like this (pardon the NewsMAX!!!!!) I might be forgiven for thinking, at the moment, the ASSPress has a conservative bias; but for every story like this there have been a hundred backscratchers.

Posted 8:00 PM by Gene

Why did the ASSPress have to bring back the Beltway face of The Three-Headed Dog, Dan Quail -- Quaayl -- QUAYLE?

SARAH!!!!! is merely Dan Quail -- Quaayl -- QUAYLE redux.

Posted 4:03 PM by Gene

And how much news did our self-flattery preempt?

This is not a hypothetical question. Today I learned from scanning page 3 of our Daily Nooz that thanks to our incompetent EDDIE our city won't pay its vendors. Not a concern to most people but it does rub up to my job. I'm wondering how many states and cities are doing the same thing. That would seem more important than page 3, wouldn't it? But our StinkyInky's obit was largely written by an ad-blurbist (or as this says, "a former television" [SIC]) who died six years ago. The answer? Not really.*

There's a grating irony here -- several grating ironies. Please recall 43 years ago ST. FERDINAND OF WACHENHEIMER (more popularly known as ST. FRED of FRIENDLY) was beatified when he resigned from CBS News rather than see Congressional hearings on an EVIL, UNJUST WAR get preempted by I Love Lucy reruns. Today news hacks are preempting news for reruns of their own. Remember also St. Ferdinand's son Andy was the revered founding producer of that profound and serious news broadcast ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT -- from the successor of the firm that made I Love Lucy. You may understand why, coming as this does on the heels of THE PROFIT CENTER and THE SALON, I may be in a slightly disrespectful mood to UNCLE HHHHHWWWWWALT.

Or as The Paper of Re-CORD all but admitted, the reason we're flattering ourselves with full-throttle cliches is because "he even bore a resemblance to another trusted American fixture, another Walter — Walt Disney." NUF SAID.

*Strangely the Nooz did not run a front-page obit, perhaps the first instance of common sense in that rag in months.

(Updated 7/20/2009 at 5:52 p. m.; "former television" link fixed 4/16/2010 at 8:06 p. m.; SUMNER link fixed 7/18/2010 at 11:27 a. m.)

Posted 9:31 AM by Gene

And would state media's favorite JERNALISM REVUE have paid attention to the scum LENNY D if THE GREATEST ANCHORMAN SINCE ST. HHHHHWWWWWALTER had not made him SEXY?

KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

Now the organs of truth are using the same SUMNER-distributed pictures of St. HHHHHWWWWWALTER wiping away a tear after our favorite assassination. We know PILLHEAD uses the phrase "state media" but even a scoundrel and the proverbial stopped clock can be right once. Clearly the hacks intend to take St. HHHHHWWWWWALTER's example to heart and stick it in their readers' and viewers' faces, the nothings thinking they have nothing to lose. For the umpteenth time, we would advise against it, for as THE CLATCH AT 44 CENTS demonstrates, WE CAN STICK IT RIGHT BACK.

Posted 10:07 PM by Gene

HHHHHHWWWWWALTER CRRRRRRRRONKITE destroyed network TV news, first by helping lose us the Vietnam War; second by thus unleashing the slime Pat Buchanan and his talking parrot Spiro T. Agnew, who sicced their nattering nabobs of negativism on the TV hacks and killed the prime-time documentary; and third by paving the way for DAN BLATHER, who put the final nail in its coffin with his superscripts. It would be better to remember him for his child-like enthusiasm covering space flight, but that would be only part of the story.

Two other things about HHHHHHWWWWWALTER: We're sure he let forth with that "first-rough-draft-of-history" gag (attributed to Philip Graham), a convenient excuse for mistakes until people finally realized first rough drafts are all hacks can write; and his definition of "liberal" as one who cared for the oppressed, the sick, the poor, blablahblah, its very smarminess the mark of a man who knew what he was doing or was completely oblivious to it -- or perhaps both.

These next few days will see a more serious version of the plague of the late PROFIT CENTER, but let us remember: by mourning their hero the hacks are mourning their own deaths too.

P. S. at 10:48 p. m. THE MOST TRUSTED MAN IN AMERICA KLUMPH KLUMPH KLUMPH KLUMPH....

OR:

I had an interesting conversation about the issue of newspaper quality recently with a former top editor of a major paper, who left journalism a couple of years ago and has gained—as is often the case with former editors—some significant perspective by looking at the business from the outside. This editor suggested three standards of quality that newspapers need to measure themselves in today's environment, online and off:

1. Does the paper truly meet the needs of its community?
2. Is the paper truly willing to innovate to meet community desires and requirements for new products and coverage?
3. Is the paper's management and staff truly willing to fundamentally change what it's doing, at every level of its operation, to adapt to the new realities of the business (reduced revenue, increased competition, rapid technological change)—rather than sitting around pining for the good old days that aren't coming back?

Fair questions all—and important first steps to achieving a level of quality that maybe, just maybe, could provide the underpinning for asking online readers to pay for content. How did this former editor grade today's newspapers on these questions? I quote: "I think that for the majority of American newspapers today the answers to all three questions would be a resounding 'No.'"

And of TV news, NUF SAID. And it's FREE.

Posted 2:32 PM by Gene

RIP card check.

P. S. Evidently ASSPress's source is at The Paper of ReCORD.

Posted 10:21 AM by Gene

GOODTHINGS ENTERTAINMENT's taking a write-down on a broadcaster, its CFO is pleased with the Golden Boy Conan....

Time to get out of the BIZ, Very Very Littler Jeffy!

Posted 8:51 AM by Gene

A high new-media mucky-muck says things about newspapers and their Web sites we've said before, only we aren't noticed because we're not a high mucky-muck. One of high mucky-muck's suggestions has been more Web sites. Please! We already scour the Internet fruitlessly; adding thousands of sites merely adds hay to the haystack hiding the needles. We know good writing is out there, someplace -- but the preposterous size and obsessive growth of the Web bury it, and no technology however sexy will help find it. Indeed preposterous size and obsessive growth can only mean more of the rampant mediocrity high mucky-muck whines about. We lose for winning any way.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 6:33 PM by Gene

Julius Shulman, a photographer who made modern architecture look very good, has died. RIP.

(We would have linked to the picture on his site but it's huge.)

Posted 5:46 PM by Gene

When the economy hinges on what one self-appointed know-it-all says we're in trouble, although this is scarcely different from when we had one White House-appointed know-it-all, except the markets were better.

Posted 4:53 PM by Gene

GM board postpones annual shareholders meeting

Was the Chief Shareholder afraid to show up?

Posted 2:16 PM by Gene

Muscle flexing!

A U.N. Security Council panel imposed new sanctions Thursday against North Korean officials and companies aimed at curbing the nation's nuclear defiance.

The panel named five people and five companies subject to travel bans and a freeze on financial assets. It also designated two types of materials used in ballistic missile parts - certain types of graphite and para-aramid fiber - that nations must refrain from supplying to North Korea.

Or is that just a giant-sized WET NOODLE?

Posted 11:54 AM by Gene

The invisible Secretary of State, occupant of an increasingly "marginalized" office, STILL says if we talktalktalk to Nukeman....

Did you ever get the feeling our governing superiors live in another universe?

Posted 7:01 PM by Gene

CIT says government support unlikely in near term

Ready to take profits tomorrow?

Posted 6:50 PM by Gene

This story should warn the RENDELLISTS that non-profit AHTS venues will only turn a profit the way nationalized automakers will. Yes, the Apollo should be preserved, but how many movie houses turned concert halls and theaters pay their own way?

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

The hacks may have come up with yet another new idea on how to avoid reporting the news.

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

Fed Saw Economy as ‘Vulnerable’ at June FOMC Meeting

How high will the Wall Street Casino go tomorrow?

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

Investors hoping Intel Corp.'s (INTC) better-than-expected quarter and bullish comments suggest the broader tech sector will see similarly strong results should reconsider: The giant chip maker is benefiting from the idiosyncracies of its inventory, rather than the broader economy.

Goldman Sachs’s record profits owe more to lack of competition than market recovery

Stocks up a zillion points today, figures.

Posted 9:07 AM by Gene

Did we really also have to listen to him blathering on with the moron twins, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, during the all-star game [SIC] tonight?

I guess we can say that now that YOU-KNOW-WHO doesn't OWN us.

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

TV exec: "Facing off with Finke is fraught with danger"

Oh come on, Romy, one of your biz' favorite distractions is inventing paper tigers, in several senses. A woman who can speak of "Zeigfield" may not know as much of show biz as you (and SHE) may think. Certainly given the continued flood of TENTPOLES, grossout comedies and slasher porn her influence is a matter of daydreaming. (Then again, maybe she's showing her influence by having her friends continue to shovel them out. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!)

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

Supreme leader Khamenei diminished in Iranians' eyes

Much as we may hope it, too much of what we'd like for Iran is based on empty hopes, and twenty years may give him enough reasons why he can continue for another twenty years regardless of how diminished he is.

Posted 8:23 AM by Gene

Spaniard who gave birth at 66 reported dead

Her twins are two-and-a-half.

Just because science says you can do something doesn't mean you should -- which is why the lockstep thinking of "scientists" should give us pause, however inaccurately the P-ew folks may have measured it.

Posted 9:18 PM by Gene

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ASSPRESS!!!!!

ST. LOUIS (AP) -- President Barack Obama was true to his word: He didn't bounce it. Obama's ceremonial first pitch at the All-Star game barely reached the plate Tuesday night. St. Louis Cardinals star Albert Pujols helped the president, reaching out to scoop the toss.

Obama had warmed up on the White House grounds Monday night, and was determined his pitch would reach the plate on a fly.

THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. Check back soon for further information.

WE WILL!

Posted 8:36 PM by Gene

Also in the business of keeping Moon 'n' Stars and PepsiCo happy by sending thirty minutes an hour of commercials into the universe, SUMNER has changed formats on one of His stations, and three people have written 361 comments and counting in Boston.com.

Posted 6:43 PM by Gene

And in what promises to be the mother of all boondoggles:

India to issue all 1.2 billion citizens with biometric ID cards

Maybe the Indians can turn to us for the customer-service help.

Posted 6:35 PM by Gene

Okay, Little Malcolm, your irritating click-a-million-times listicles prove the best cities for jobs largely have connections in GUVMENT or some highly specialized enterprise (like Austin and computers), and the worst are in dead zones of manufacturing and autos, or they're in the Default Belt. What does this prove except it's irritating to click on your listicles a million times?

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

The only solace in PaperofRecordCo selling WQXR to become a glorified ward of the state is that just as the Web is making outfits like PaperofRecordCo irrelevant, so it is making radio irrelevant, and when classical music disappears entirely from the medium, so the medium will have largely disappeared from the public conscience.

We must also note more people are listening to more junkier music than ever, but our solace here is we're paying for less of it. And that so many Wacko wackos supposedly opted for their beloved on CD over downloads indicates the Web may not necessarily be recorded -- SOUND's savior. How many of today's acts can be preserved in plastic? (And the Wacko wackos think their plastic will be worth $500 someday. Good luck!)

One other solace: MEG at $1.87; SALM at $0.71; BBGI at $2.17; ROIAK at $0.36; ETM at $1.58; EMMS at $0.294; CMLS at $0.57; RGCI at $0.239; WWON at $0.045; CTDB (home of THE DRUNKEN SLOB) at $0.034, and CHEAP CHANNEL NEAR BANKRUPTCY.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 2:22 PM by Gene

Now the news hacks finally have a reason to be mad:

First lady's father was buried at cemetery involved in desecration scandal

Look stupids, wasn't what happened there bad enough regardless of who's buried there?

Posted 1:55 PM by Gene

And just how bad is the broadcasting trade?

A bankrupt broadcaster can't sell off its TV stations.

GOOD!

Posted 1:45 PM by Gene

When a leading TWXSTER ad copywriter describes a TWXSTER movee as though he were writing his sales pitch for coffee ("darker, richer") you can be sure he cannot be trusted -- DOUBLE.

Posted 8:57 AM by Gene

Still more proof the depr -- econo -- RECESSION is over: Brian and Bob are auditioning for THE BIG C!!!!!

Posted 8:56 AM by Gene

More proof the depr -- econo -- RECESSION is over: executives at the bankrupt auto supplier Visteon are asking for huge bonuses!

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

Goldman, you couldn't have done it without us! PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!

Posted 9:44 PM by Gene

Speaking of something I had to miss: The other day The Daily Kaplan Salon extruded this -- piece about the GEEEEEEEENIUS of rock musicals, and if the folks on one of the Branson East chat boards (yes, there are such things -- and they can be very entertaining despite what you can expect) didn't destroy it:

This topic is more tired than an 80-year-old hooker [sic]

AND:

I quote William Goldman: The Season, 1968:

“Many of the critics who had embraced Hair downtown expressed disappointment with the Broadway version, but many more were convinced that Hair signaled the start of something new. I put this to an astute Broadway businessman. “Will Hair change things?” he answered. “You see those lines they had this morning? You better believe Hair’s gonna change things.” He paused before saying it: “There will now be a spate of sh*tty rock musicals.”

This same chat board alerted me Purina Dog Chow is sponsoring a production of a musical based on 101 Dalmatians. I will not attempt any bad puns as Branson East is well beyond and below it.

It will be playing aptly enough at the WaMu Theater at Madison Square Garden, NUF SAID.

Posted 7:45 PM by Gene

I suspect A. Craig Copetas is a former rock mu-SICK cri-TICK -- anyone who writes a book called Mona Lisa's Pajamas must be suspect -- yet somehow he has managed to write (from Paris, it figures) an apt eulogy for THE GREATEST ROCK FESTIVAL OF ALL TIME, which alas, even after forty years, still smells.

Posted 6:04 PM by Gene

Sorry, I'd rather have a font that's not-so-pretty but readable on my monitor than a font that's not-so-pretty and not-so-readable.

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

Budget deficit tops $1 trillion for first time

Does this mean more stories on You-Know-Who's eating habits?

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

ASSPress press release of the day:

Offer puts value of at least $6.5B on Facebook

And who threatens to pay? Some Russians. And where would the Russians get the money? Who cares as long as we can say FACEBOOK'S WORTH $6.5 BILLION!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 4:55 PM by Gene

If the Civil War had been as snoozeful as Judge Sotomayor's nomination promises to be, America wouldn't have needed activists.

Posted 4:54 PM by Gene

We are sorry to learn Jessica and her boyfriend have split, meaning he has no excuses, and she can cut another record.

Posted 4:52 PM by Gene

Don't tell me, let me guess: the depr -- econo -- recession IS OVER -- again!

Posted 7:54 PM by Gene

Well, they've got us there: Why bring the Orbiting Tin Can down when we've spent so much building it up?

Posted 6:16 PM by Gene

One last thing from Zeitgeist: PILLHEAD's Accent harrumphs that Europe will soon be overrun by Muslims regardless of what Zeitgeist says. While we are among the first to say JonBoy is among the most partisan of editors and loses no opportunity to take cheap shots (often disguising them in the moderate's sheep's clothes), and there's ample reason to worry about the holy cockroaches, as most liberals don't, we'd guess his writer is more correct than incorrect. Neither does it help a man's cause to be PILLHEAD's Accent.

Posted 4:47 PM by Gene

"They've cleaned it up . . . they're in compliance now with most of the things we've approved of."

Aren't you glad BOOBS McKEATING didn't become president?

I wonder if this is from THE SUMNER (or BURGER KING) PLAYBOOK?

Posted 4:25 PM by Gene

Oh, the utter TRAGEDY of it all:

Elroy Smith has been in radio since 1981, and it's not what it used to be.

"Jocks are working double shifts," says Smith, Philadelphia operations manager for urban-oriented Radio One. "I'm doing three stations here, and one in Charlotte."

"We have to survive. . . . This is no joke."

The hot hits and the hot sounds on Q-100, er, Z-102, er, B-103, uh, X-97.7 -- dammit, what station am I on?

Why are WE laughing?

Posted 2:53 PM by Gene

This special movee report brought to you by:



Speaking of ASSPress, even David "NON" Germain admits the fans were screaming, "HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!"

Guess THAT AD from "Coca-Cola®, Kia Motors, Nikon, Orbit® gum, Taco Bell®, T-Mobile USA, and Venus" [SIC] didn't work.

P. S.

The film's Cinema Score -- an average grade given by a sample of those who see the picture -- was C, very low given what easy graders moviegoers generally are.

And they grade on such a steep curve they get whiplash.

Here's one time (one of the few) I'd love to see the TWEETS.

Posted 2:52 PM by Gene

In other pressing news from the ASSPress:

AP-KN Poll: All-Stars shouldn't decide Series edge

Posted 2:11 PM by Gene

“I must report that I recently paid another visit to Stanley Kubrick’s ‘2001’ while under the influence of a smoked substance that I was assured by my contact was somewhat stronger and more authentic than oregano. (For myself, I must confess that I soar infinitely higher on vermouth cassis, but enough of this generation gap.) Anyway, I prepared to watch ‘2001’ under what I have always been assured were optimum conditions, and surprisingly (for me) I find myself reversing my original opinion. ‘2001’ is indeed a major work by a major artist.”

Will anyone other than librarians miss THE HEROIC AGE OF MO-VIE CRI-TI-CI-SM?

(Via the usual AhtsJournal)

Posted 1:23 PM by Gene

That this story appeared in Zeitgeist.com of all places shows the wheels may finally be turning, and even the hacks may know it. The award-winning buffoon MARK would have run a credulous cover ad. (You know, "HILARIOUS BORAT: MOVIE FOR AGES!!!!!" Or something.) Such salesmanship may not work anymore especially with Zeitgeist about to halve its circulation. We recall when these clowns ran the cover ad for Animal House (is that disco font dated or what?), and about that time TNR ran its own cover story from a Zeitgeist writer or editor damning the fad, and soon enough he disappeared from Zeitgeist's masthead. We don't know if they were connected, but the last thirty years say they probably were. Certainly THE DAILY KAPLAN'S PROPOSED S&L OF FAVORS would.

By the way -- whatever happened to John Belushi? Is he making commercials in Canada or somewhere?

P. S. Probably ITC Bauhaus Heavy, from 1975.

P. P. S. Oh, and about The Chris Farley Foundation....

(Cover restored to post 8/27/2011)

Posted 11:26 AM by Gene

We suspect it's not just the RENDELLISTS who are stealing business from Hollywood. With reality shows and junk movies who needs all that expensive equipment and the armies of technicians? And isn't G000,000,000GLE trying to "monetize" YouTube -- meaning even less of a need for all that expensive equipment and the armies of technicians? And are expensive equipment and armies of technicians a guarantee the end product will be any good? All except RENDELLISTS, ad-blurbists and the writers of LALA would instinctively seem to know the answers.

Posted 11:12 AM by Gene

In The Daily Kaplan's ombudspoop's great ritual shedding of tears came this curious turn of phrase:

As of late this week, only two Post readers cited the controversy as a reason for canceling their subscription. Only about 50 readers had written critical letters to the editor, about half the number The Post typically receives on a controversial topic.

But the criticism of The Post has been withering in the blogosphere, among commentators and the Washington establishment. The episode has left a scar that will be visible for years, and it has badly shaken the newsroom. [Badly-shaken emphasis added]

To me this confirms L'Affaire Kaplan is merely another news hack insider joke, that the rank-and-file news readers are not exercised over it because they're inured to news hacks granting favors -- and they expect the joke to continue regardless of whether the favor granters get paid for them or not. We repeat: this business will only get worse, as its principal motive is GRANTING FAVORS.