THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
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Saturday, April 26, 2008
The CEO of GE BANCORP'S GAMES SUBSID breaks wind with his mouth:
“It took us 200 years to evolve from the French Revolution. China started in 1949.”
1. 1949 + 200 = 2149. I think today's Chinese can wait. 2. A nation that can "evolve" from the Reign of Terror to a Vichy "government" to Jjjjjjjacques "Saddam" Chiracccccc evolves solely in a manner of speaking.
Shut up, Monsieeeeur Rrrrrrrrrrogge.
If there's an argument for press bankruptcy (in several senses) it's the Friday front-page advertorials in USAOKAY!!!!! They're so outlandish you expect SUMNER to show up on an AdAge back cover boasting, "USATODAY has sold more of our properties than any other media outlet. They know what to do." They surely do: selling the NFL draft; selling this year's tentpoles with the excuse they're fan-popular "nostalgia" (read: condescending creative exhaustion). There was only one bit of legitimate news above the fold, and that couldn't scream its way past the ads. That's why the Newseum (financed by the USAOKAY!!!!! people) rings false; it's just advertising for a noble cause.
The Messiah is a superior snob. Media types are superior snobs. No wonder their marriage was made in...heaven.
Those who think The Messiah will be a one-termer are deluding themselves. We still recall all the ads for CLINTON'S-ONE-TERM calendars in the back of R. Emmett's rag. And the GOP may be weaker in 2012 than it is now -- regardless of how many stupid things He does.
Those who think The Messiah will be a one-termer are deluding themselves. We still recall all the ads for CLINTON'S-ONE-TERM calendars in the back of R. Emmett's rag. And the GOP may be weaker in 2012 than it is now -- regardless of how many stupid things He does.
SAM LITTLE congratulates himself for having taken one of The Messiah's friends off His Web site. Just one problem: there are many more friends where that came from.
Forty-two months since FONTS, Sam.
Forty-two months since FONTS, Sam.
Mort Zuck digs deep into his increasingly unoccupied pocket and pulls out...a paper!
Is this the end of Useless News, Mort?
Is this the end of Useless News, Mort?
Friday, April 25, 2008
Some people think by throwing their money at outfits like Hahvahd Mutual Fund they're somehow (to use a word they like to use) IMPACTING the future. Oh yes they are: they're financing more skollars who sound as though they repeatedly IMPACT themselves on the head with a two-by-four, not to mention all manner of investment bankers who IMPACT parents with ever higher bills.
You'd think a Rockefeller would know better. Rockefellers don't know better.
You'd think a Rockefeller would know better. Rockefellers don't know better.
Last year's top five picks--LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell, Georgia Tech receiver Calvin Johnson, Wisconsin tackle Joe Thomas, Clemson defensive end Gaines Adams and Penn State tackle Levi Brown--took just under a third of last year's rookie money, while the top 10 picks accounted for half. Those breakdowns are in line with those in 2000, when the top five picks took home 32% of the money; the top 10 picks took 51%.
So how does ESPNCORP turn THE DRAFT into a two-day industry?
So how does ESPNCORP turn THE DRAFT into a two-day industry?
Even as it (and its fellow in unpaid advertising) boasts of another TENTPOLE MASTERPIECE, the Big V breathlessly informs us that veteran of plastic surgery Carrie's doing a one-woman tourist trap for Branson East next year, which, combined with thoughts of tentpoles, once again makes me pinch myself to realize what an age of artistic GENIUS we live in.
"So that when a company like Clear Channel starts gobbling up all the radio stations or, uh, uh, you know, Rupert Murdoch starts having his eyes on a bunch of different media outlets, they can outbid a lot small--smaller outlets."
FLIP...
And all of a sudden, the candidate has decided to appear on FOX News Sunday with Chris Wallace. Wallace attributed Obama’s decision to a "count-up" clock that marked the days since Obama first agreed to appear as a guest.
FLOP!
JPod! Does this make The Messiah con-SER-va-tive?
FLIP...
And all of a sudden, the candidate has decided to appear on FOX News Sunday with Chris Wallace. Wallace attributed Obama’s decision to a "count-up" clock that marked the days since Obama first agreed to appear as a guest.
FLOP!
JPod! Does this make The Messiah con-SER-va-tive?
BULLETIN!!!!!
CRUDE SURGES AFTER REPORT THAT U.S. FIRED TOWARD IRANIAN SHIP IN GULF
DWIGHT and company go YIPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
CRUDE SURGES AFTER REPORT THAT U.S. FIRED TOWARD IRANIAN SHIP IN GULF
DWIGHT and company go YIPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Now -- can New York's Not-So-Finest (the hacks, that is) start a riot? After all, these typists have proven they can create a God.
We want to see Honorary fighting a riot. He'd hole up in City Hall somewhere, counting the billions in his afterlife.
We want to see Honorary fighting a riot. He'd hole up in City Hall somewhere, counting the billions in his afterlife.
Entertainment Weekly has been criticized as being too soft on the entertainment industry....
Couldn'ta done it without you, B. S. DEFENDER.
Couldn'ta done it without you, B. S. DEFENDER.
The Jim Cramer of foodstuffs has a name, and it's Dwight Anderson.
Thanks a lot, BizWeek. But why couldn't you have reported this instead of palming us off two-day-old stuff from Der Spiegel? Looking for another DONALD to trumpet?
Obviously he didn't buy up every picture.
Thanks a lot, BizWeek. But why couldn't you have reported this instead of palming us off two-day-old stuff from Der Spiegel? Looking for another DONALD to trumpet?
Obviously he didn't buy up every picture.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
And it's not just Forbeslist.com:
Keys cancels Cleveland concert with swollen vocal chords
Has anyone thought the Web is so much better at spreading errors of all kinds than the old fashioned news biz? Where's the advantage of that, Professor?
Although this did come from ASSPress, which is as old-media as you can get.
Keys cancels Cleveland concert with swollen vocal chords
Has anyone thought the Web is so much better at spreading errors of all kinds than the old fashioned news biz? Where's the advantage of that, Professor?
Although this did come from ASSPress, which is as old-media as you can get.
The success of Eight-Octave's latest masterpiece suggests that, contrary to all those obits, the recorded...SOUND biz can yet twitch its corpse; there are still enough people who can be marketed and CHEAP CHANNELED into buying an album, whatever its merits (or especially lack thereof); and just a few "lucky" "breaks" and a few more overpublicized masterpieces could create a floor to this biz' freefall, and the noise would pay for itself again, with the extra added attraction of overexposure on the Web, which with a little work could make CHEAP CHANNEL into a champion of artistic diversity.
Humans flirted with extinction 70,000 years ago
We can guess what a few obvious activist groups must be thinking.
We can guess what a few obvious activist groups must be thinking.
One point's difference -- an eighteen-point lead for the Tories!
England's politics is almost as invincible as ours!
England's politics is almost as invincible as ours!
What making nice with the Libyans did:
Several Western ambassadors walked out of a Security Council meeting yesterday after a Libyan representative compared Israel's actions in Gaza to those of the Nazis in the concentration camps.
Several Western ambassadors walked out of a Security Council meeting yesterday after a Libyan representative compared Israel's actions in Gaza to those of the Nazis in the concentration camps.
The Secretary of Kellogg's does something useful:
Gutierrez: Don’t Forget to Redeem Converter-Box Coupons
Gutierrez: Don’t Forget to Redeem Converter-Box Coupons
I suppose we should be pleased that Ford turned a surprise profit, but the pleasure may wear off quickly with the knowledge that a lot of that profit has come from closing a good chunk of the company.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Interesting observation about The Messiah, though it comes from JPod:
He never smiles. He never, ever smiles.
But then I doubt if God did too much smiling for Michelangelo.
He never smiles. He never, ever smiles.
But then I doubt if God did too much smiling for Michelangelo.
It’s early October 2008, and Democratic nominee Barack Obama maintains a steady lead in the presidential race, although Republican standard-bearer John McCain, the most dogged campaigner in American politics, remains within striking range.
Suddenly, something happens overseas that throws the presidential campaigns off the TV screens entirely: Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, on vacation in Italy, is arrested and brought to The Hague to face war crimes charges....
Don’t think it can’t happen. I think the arrest abroad of an American is only a matter of time and, between now and November, is at least as likely as another terrorist attack on U.S. soil.
Since when has Politico.com been running satire?
Suddenly, something happens overseas that throws the presidential campaigns off the TV screens entirely: Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, on vacation in Italy, is arrested and brought to The Hague to face war crimes charges....
Don’t think it can’t happen. I think the arrest abroad of an American is only a matter of time and, between now and November, is at least as likely as another terrorist attack on U.S. soil.
Since when has Politico.com been running satire?
But then, no financial fad can be forever.
We now have second thoughts about whether SBUX can stage a MICKEY D! comeback. People don't eat coffee.
We now have second thoughts about whether SBUX can stage a MICKEY D! comeback. People don't eat coffee.
Speaking of which, how many who are long rice are long APPLE?
Or to put it another way, how many are borderline psychopaths?
Or to put it another way, how many are borderline psychopaths?
THE "PANIC PHASE" OF THE CREDIT MELTDOWN IS OVER -- ENDING WITH THE COLLAPSE LAST MONTH OF BROKERAGE BEAR STEARNS -- AND STOCKS ARE POISED TO POST STRONG GAINS IN COMING MONTHS!!!!!!!!!! veteran mutual-fund manager Bill Miller says. (Enthusiastic BUY-NOW! first-graf overemphasis added)
...Even as the credit crunch mounted last year, Miller maintained bullish stances on those troubled sectors, including two prominent fund holdings that became poster children for the crisis: Citigroup Inc. and Countrywide Financial Corp.
NO COMMENT.
...Even as the credit crunch mounted last year, Miller maintained bullish stances on those troubled sectors, including two prominent fund holdings that became poster children for the crisis: Citigroup Inc. and Countrywide Financial Corp.
NO COMMENT.
At U. of Georgia, Furor Over Clarence Thomas
Let me guess -- it's not because of Anita, it's because he's CONSERVATIVE. But then a-ca-DE-mics are always good at putting up smokescreens, they living their whole lives in a FOG.
Let me guess -- it's not because of Anita, it's because he's CONSERVATIVE. But then a-ca-DE-mics are always good at putting up smokescreens, they living their whole lives in a FOG.
“It’s extremely unlikely that today’s children will have shorter life expectancies than their parents. From everything I see, we continue to make rapid progress at extending life as a result of improvements in medical technology and personal health practices," such as smoking less, says Samuel Preston, a professor of demography at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. "Yes, we are fatter than we used to be but the implications of that have not been nearly as severe as has been popularly assumed."
And for proof of this we need only turn to the concurrent epidemic of anorexia, pfffffffffft.
And for proof of this we need only turn to the concurrent epidemic of anorexia, pfffffffffft.
Despite his reputation as a swordsman, Mailer ironically won the Literary Review's "Bad Sex in Fiction Award" last year for his clunky depiction of intimacy between Hitler's parents in "The Castle in the Forest."
NUF SAID.
NUF SAID.
For God's sake why should we begrudge Boobs his disability pension? And it this raises questions about whether he is fit for office, we could say the same of most of our other presidents.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
And of course these same JIM CRAMERS!!!!! take the words of HENRY BLODGETS!!!!! as holy writ, meaning G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE at $5,000 a share along with gasoline at $10 a gallon.
Or GE BANCORP down $4, the sort of thing that makes us smile.
Or GE BANCORP down $4, the sort of thing that makes us smile.
Commisioner offers reassurance after shootings leave 4 wounded
Reassurance of what? That there'll be more shootings -- and more NO SNITCHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best thing muni-CI-pal officers can reassure us of is that they haven't had ghetto crime under control in decades, and never will again.
Reassurance of what? That there'll be more shootings -- and more NO SNITCHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best thing muni-CI-pal officers can reassure us of is that they haven't had ghetto crime under control in decades, and never will again.
Leaving the train station on the way home I saw a hundred or more screaming yelling happy people waving Hillary signs, with a few big banners for The Messiah amongst, everyone cheering and smiling, the policemen moving them back to clear the traffic, and I thought, if only I could be that merry, supporting a candidate. Why must political happiness end in youth? Scanning the ballot at the polling place in the middle of work (quite a respectable turnout -- over 200 when I left) I saw most of the candidates ran unopposed. But for an artificially contrived rivalry between a couple of candidates too far close in outlook to merit anything but scorn this would be another gloomy run-of-the-mill marking of time, something the hacks seem incapable of remembering when they speak with grin to the mirror of soaring interest.
Did you know RON PAUL!!!!!'s on the ballot in Pennsylvania? I didn't. So is Gov. Hucklechuckle, who was holy before The Messiah took Heaven lock, stock and barrel away from him.
Did you know RON PAUL!!!!!'s on the ballot in Pennsylvania? I didn't. So is Gov. Hucklechuckle, who was holy before The Messiah took Heaven lock, stock and barrel away from him.
Jacobs Media said, "The radio industry, led by the NAB, has been aggressive in fighting against the merger. And while we agree that satellite radio poses a threat to traditional AM/FM radio, there's nothing in the data that indicates that either service has significant momentum. In fact, there are signs that they have to fight to maintain the customer base that they already have."
Now give me a second, I have to think: three or four years ago there was this fellow named -- I'm guessing here, so I may not be right -- Horace...Stang! who got a big contract from XM and said he was going to change the face of radio. After a few press releases from DA POST!!!!! he disappeared. We do not blame the satradio "subscribers" for ditching on it.
Oh, now I know -- his name was Strong -- Harvey Strong! That's it!
Natch, the story doesn't even mention Strong.
(Via IWantMedia)
Now give me a second, I have to think: three or four years ago there was this fellow named -- I'm guessing here, so I may not be right -- Horace...Stang! who got a big contract from XM and said he was going to change the face of radio. After a few press releases from DA POST!!!!! he disappeared. We do not blame the satradio "subscribers" for ditching on it.
Oh, now I know -- his name was Strong -- Harvey Strong! That's it!
Natch, the story doesn't even mention Strong.
(Via IWantMedia)
A bad day for people who swear by Romy: SLIME's editor at the Journals is quitting (can we make that a protest vote?), and He's buying NEWSDAY! What we will stalwarts for the First Amendment do?
What we always do: Pretentiously bury our heads in the sand and take them out every now and then to spin and sell.
What we always do: Pretentiously bury our heads in the sand and take them out every now and then to spin and sell.
Monday, April 21, 2008
MySpace Poisons News Corp. as Investors Shun Murdoch
Can anyone say why throwing billions into the Web would NOT have turned it poisonous?
``When you have such a powerful asset as MySpace and you can't successfully monetize it, that's a problem for investors,'' said Daniel Poole, assistant research director at National City Corp., which manages $34 billion in Cleveland.
And National City knows about monetizing. Pfffffffffft!
(Via IWantMedia)
Can anyone say why throwing billions into the Web would NOT have turned it poisonous?
``When you have such a powerful asset as MySpace and you can't successfully monetize it, that's a problem for investors,'' said Daniel Poole, assistant research director at National City Corp., which manages $34 billion in Cleveland.
And National City knows about monetizing. Pfffffffffft!
(Via IWantMedia)
Okay, STALE.COM alumnus, since you've been trained by your resume NOT to say what's wrong with The Onion, we'll do it for you: At best its humor is cutely whimsical, at worst it repeats itself again and again and again. And Virginia, since you seem to believe it's very very VERY good, name one instance of its brilliant humor from the last twenty years you can cite without turning to a computer or reading a back issue.
(Via the usual Romy)
(Via the usual Romy)
Run-up in agricultural prices to take center stage
Forum hosted by the CFTC will debate role of speculators
TRANSLATION: Who can say NOT ME! the loudest?
Forum hosted by the CFTC will debate role of speculators
TRANSLATION: Who can say NOT ME! the loudest?
Rance pats his business on the back, citing an oil wonk as saying consumers do so differentiate by brand, even as the expert he chose admits in the seventh graf that "discount retail outlets such as Wal-Mart and Costco and supermarket chains such as Kroger have experienced a significant jump in recent years in retail gasoline share, reaching a combined 13% at year's end...and 'we continue to see that share grow.'" No, I do not think we love BIGOIL just yet.
"GENIUS":
The teen drama has been around for literally thousands of years. Helen of Troy was barely a teenager when she was abducted by the king of Athens because he had the hots for her, and hello, talk about drama.
Clearly SUPERADAM!!!!! needs TWICE the number of National Magazine Awards, and maybe a fifth the subscribers.
The teen drama has been around for literally thousands of years. Helen of Troy was barely a teenager when she was abducted by the king of Athens because he had the hots for her, and hello, talk about drama.
Clearly SUPERADAM!!!!! needs TWICE the number of National Magazine Awards, and maybe a fifth the subscribers.
Thanks, Wall Street Casino, for bringing even the thought of food rationing here!
In time this bubble will burst, but not before these options maniacs have inflicted serious damage.
In time this bubble will burst, but not before these options maniacs have inflicted serious damage.
Fresh from authorising a £50 billion debt swap to shore up the British banking system, Gordon Brown was preparing today to discuss Third World education issues with Shakira, the Colombian pop star.
The Prime Minister is due to hold telephone talks this evening with the sultry Latin singer, whose hits include Hips Don’t Lie.
We'd say there'll always be an England, but we don't know for how long.
The Prime Minister is due to hold telephone talks this evening with the sultry Latin singer, whose hits include Hips Don’t Lie.
We'd say there'll always be an England, but we don't know for how long.
Insiders Keith and Michael daydream:
TIMES MAY BE FIT FOR BLOOMBERG MERGER
Then again, we know HONORARY, and the only thing better than running with SEN. HOLE-IN-THE-BAGEL would be to get your name on the Paper of Re-CORD's FRONT PAGE for three months.
P. S. at 10:20 a.m. HONORARY's putting out lots of feelers -- how about some profs at JOHNS HOPKINS?
The letter mentions the mayor’s personal wealth, but says that’s not what makes him an attractive candidate.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
TIMES MAY BE FIT FOR BLOOMBERG MERGER
Then again, we know HONORARY, and the only thing better than running with SEN. HOLE-IN-THE-BAGEL would be to get your name on the Paper of Re-CORD's FRONT PAGE for three months.
P. S. at 10:20 a.m. HONORARY's putting out lots of feelers -- how about some profs at JOHNS HOPKINS?
The letter mentions the mayor’s personal wealth, but says that’s not what makes him an attractive candidate.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Which raises the question, ROMY, since you posted the link: Because your friends the HACKS forever tell us of the insightful GENIUS from the ED and ERIC of COMEDY, why not have THEM emcee a debate?
LALA's in a bit of a tizz because SLIME'S Major Bowes act has hit an air pocket. It is a wonder this didn't happen sooner; but we shouldn't forget the hacks, with their propensity to sell anything, fueled the craft and helped put it in the air, and commissioned months of non-stop buncombe piloting it. This year the aviation has been nowhere near as intense as before, which would seem to prove LALA's contention that "kids 2 to 11" are abandoning it.
I never thought I'd see the day when I would be unhappy to be sent home. Five years ago, when I was gainfully unemployed, I might have chafed, but I'm so used to work now that I can't imagine loafing; I hate taking vacation days. To get to the point there was a huge fire in a warehouse almost diagonally opposite from our workplace, and it might have passed as unnoticed as a seven-alarmer could but a strong northeast wind blew the smoke right into our building and made my eyes sting; embers dotted the walkway and the grass. With our ventilation shut off and the water pressure low our director sent us packing. Seeing the above picture it is no wonder our cities have been so prone to arson; this was a fire trap, and give a local retard two sticks and you have three "news" helicopters flying over the neighborhood. I still faintly reek of smoke, though I've gotten out of my clothes.
Here's hoping we're more or less back to normal tomorrow; I was looking forward to a sea of Hillary and Messiah signs at the entrance (the building is a city polling place).
P. S. A company called APB Transportation was ensconced there; not long ago it had put a spiffy sign atop the building. Oh well.
CORRECTION at 10:00 a.m. IfItBleedsItLeads.com is reporting the trucking company survived, but something burned.
JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Hamas would accept a deal creating a Palestinian state in the West Bank and Gaza Strip if it was approved by Palestinians in a vote, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter said on Monday after talks with Hamas leaders.
Carter said he had "no doubt that both the Arab world and the Palestinians, including Hamas, will accept Israel's right to live in peace" within pre-1967 war borders.
But some of Hamas's commitments to Carter, in talks he held with the Islamist group's top leader Khaled Meshaal in Damascus, were short on details and remarks by a Gaza-based Hamas official suggested the movement was not abandoning long-held positions.
TRANSLATION: SAP!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
"If we imagine a life without the arts," she says, "it would be a horrible, ugly world."
The way the AHTS are these days it's a horrible, ugly world WITH them.
(Via the usual AHTSJournal)
The way the AHTS are these days it's a horrible, ugly world WITH them.
(Via the usual AHTSJournal)
No one has to tell MB2 he can condescend with the best of them!
Just get him started on fast-food restaurants, or the BOSS.
Just get him started on fast-food restaurants, or the BOSS.