Posted 7:02 PM by Gene

Some sleazy character's dictated a book that says OJ confessed to his double-murder.

It is long past the time everyone involved shut up.

Posted 6:54 PM by Gene

A TV-station owner has filed for -- BANKRUPTCY?!?!?!?!?

This is like the U. S. MINT going broke.

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

KIRK KEVORK -- KERKORIAN wants Ford to ditch its Mercury studi -- BRAND. Is there any company He can't go without bringing death and destruction?

On the other hand:

"It's hard to sell a Mercury when it looks just like a Ford that's priced at $4,000 less," said Tom Libby, an auto industry analyst at J.D. Power & Associates.

There, in a nutshell, is Detroit's eulogy.

Posted 5:33 PM by Gene

SLIME LOSES TO CABLEbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztVISION!!!!!

They'll have a really NEAT excuse for raising rates now!

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

Today before the Academy of Music Bus 'n' Truck Stop some dancers from a company I didn't catch flew kites on both sides of the street, one of them with a thick accent running up Broad Street, a second of them, a nice tall young woman with decent legs, capering on an island; and I thought, if VICE-PRESIDENT EDDIE!!!!! were here he'd say these dancers are better than any old factory worker.

Shortly after the Social Security brigade traipsed out the Quonset Hut of Music from an Orchestra concert (I presume), making me wonder where future Orchestra crowds will come from. Why do EDDIES!!!!! think the AHTS are better than factories?

Posted 12:28 PM by Gene

Tom Carver, executive director of the Casino Reinvestment Development Authority, said casinos delivered on their economic promises, but were never supposed to be saviors.

"Casinos are not government," he said. "Casinos are not schools. Casinos are not anything other than (things that) provide jobs and public money, and they did that galore."

TRANSLATION: Thirty years ago, Atlantic City was a pile of doggie doo. Today, Atlantic City is a brilliant cubic-zirconia diamond mounted on a pile of doggie doo.

Somebody tell VICE-PRESIDENT EDDIE!!!!! GAMING isn't government!

Posted 12:14 PM by Gene

Forbeslist.com runs an annoyingly ironical head-scratching about why people need to spend so darn much, a thinking process that rings less than true from an outfit that just publicized a surpassingly ugly zillion-dollar 22-story residential quagmire in India.

Posted 12:08 PM by Gene

We're hearing increasing noises about invading Burma/Myanmar. Something is necessary; the Burmese government may be the most calamitous since "Democratic Kampuchea's". But the same liberals who've pounded the table for getting us OUTOUTOUT of Iraq had better have a good reason for this, especially if things go wrong -- and in more than one article we've read Burma/Myanmar and Somalia meet in the same sentence.

Posted 12:01 PM by Gene

The notion of child molestation and pornography as the last taboo grows increasingly irritating. Why child molestation? We've abandoned so much else of society to crooks and perverts; our big-city mayors have all but legalized murder in the ghetto. When notorious criminals get tickertape parades from news hacks why do we bother with the pretense of civilization? If we're so concerned with our children's welfare why do we harp obsessively on child molestation excluding all else?

Posted 10:53 AM by Gene

I wonder if The Messiah's new lapel pin is a gaffe. Judging from this list of potential "states" it may not be. Likely The Messiah would like every one of our remaining territories to become states as they'd be reliably Democratic -- and crank left-wing. The only state missing here is D. C., and surely there must be a reason. Could its citizens be incorporated into reliably knee-jerk Democratic Maryland?

Posted 9:03 AM by Gene

We can imagine the unprecedented, historical, hysterical tantrum that led the founder of Emily's List to come out for her woman. Who else will guarantee unlimited abortions? (The Messiah, that's who.) Nonetheless we accede to her viewpoint, though we would substitute "scheming" for "brilliant." Indeed if Hillary were less scheming, if she didn't have that IBM mainframe for a brain (which is no sign of brilliance as it frequently conks out), if she ever showed any emotion that weren't manufactured, if she were a human being instead of a politician, her fighting on would be the greatest political story since Dewey defeated Truman. Nonetheless we too hope Hill continues, if only to show Tim Braggart and company they do NOT run the country.

Posted 9:02 AM by Gene

"Schmuck" is an insufficient term for Vito Fossella.

Posted 5:58 PM by Gene

An admission of cultural failure -- from Brazil:

“Bossa nova is a vision of Brazil as it should have been,” says the singer Joyce, who is organising a bossa nova 50th birthday concert at the Barbican that will feature the style’s originators and its new exponents. “We should have been a wonderful, democratic country. Instead we had 21 years of military dictatorship, something we are still paying for. So bossa nova represents a different way of life; a culture more sophisticated than the one we have today.”

Well, at least we have that glorious music, if nothing else.

On being sent João Gilberto’s debut record, Osvaldo Gurzoni, the director of the São Paulo-based record label Odeon, is reputed to have said: “Is this the shit they are sending us from Rio now?” Then he smashed the record on his knee.

And then he changed his identity and became LEGENDARY DAVIS!!!!!

(Via ArtsJournal)

Posted 5:55 PM by Gene

Drug Use Up 52% on College Campuses
In the wake of a massive campus drug bust, experts says college drug use rising.

Or maybe it never fell that much.

Posted 5:42 PM by Gene

Why did lunkheads allow SIX YEARS for this trial to commence?

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

Coca-Cola is counting on its eight-decade-old partnership with the Olympics to help connect with consumers beginning May 19. Its new "Connect with the world over a Coke" campaign will feature new ads starring six athletes including LeBron James, limited edition cans and new MyCoke.com Web site.

TRANSLATION: I WAS AT THE OLYMPICS AND YOU WEREN'T!

FURTEHR TRANSLATION: These bozos will look for ANY excuse to spin China.

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

BizWeek's inveterate sycophant G-Man can't stop hugging himself: Marvel Entertainment's become a MOVIE STUDIO.

Better to say the movie biz has become MARVEL ENTERTAINMENT.

P. S.

Michael Blum, who led Merrill Lynch & Co. units that packaged mortgage bonds and bankrolled Hollywood films including ``Iron Man,'' will leave as Chief Executive Officer John Thain scales back the securitization business, two people familiar with the matter said.

Gosh! Bad mortgages and bad -- pardon, SUPERB movies are RELATED?!?

A lawyer by training, Blum helped oversee Merrill's $1.3 billion purchase 17 months ago of First Franklin Financial, a subprime lender the firm is shutting down. He also helped arrange a $525 million loan package for Marvel Entertainment Inc. used to produce films including ``Iron Man,'' which took in about $100 million of ticket sales in its opening last weekend.

I guess the $100 million makes up for all those BAD MORTGAGES.

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

GEORGE SOROS! MEET SHELDON ADELSON!

This is like Keith Tantruman and THE NO-SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN ZONE winning a lottery.

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

Records show Sharpton owes overdue taxes, other penalties

Which shall NOT keep us from PRAISING THE LORD and PASSING HIS AMMUNITION.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Hey DWIGHTS! Applaud yourselves! You helped pay for it!

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: The DWIGHTS have gone so bonkers about commodities they don't NEED excuses anymore.

Posted 5:20 PM by Gene

REASON NO. 58,296 WHY WE DON'T NEED NEWSPAPERS: Ann, who is fast becoming the Robert "Over the" Hilburn of her generation, thinks we need 1,525 WORDS to read between the lines that Woody Allen's girlfriend can't sing. The longer a story is the more chance a writer has to so abracadabra a reader with his magic wand his reason joins the writer's in having disappeared. If this is the future of newspapers we don't need newspapers.

Posted 7:18 PM by Gene

GM May Break Up SUV-Truck Marriage to Cut Fuel Use, Emissions

Why doesn't this CLUNKER BROTHER bring back the station wagon and be done with it?

Posted 6:19 PM by Gene

Congratulations, cauliflower-eared unions -- you kept Wal-Mart out of Chicago!

Posted 6:02 PM by Gene

Say, if a bunch of ultrageeks can lobby Cadbury into backing a campaign to prevent a direc-TOR from making rotten videogame movies, maybe someone can launch a campaign against THE CONSPIRACY so it can stop making movies altogether!

Posted 6:00 PM by Gene

Israeli PM Olmert says he'll resign if indicted

Bye, Ehud!

Posted 5:48 PM by Gene

PEJ -- that's the Pro-JECT for EX-cellence in JER-nalism -- says people tuning in to the EDWARD R. MURROW of COMEDY "[couldn't] get the jokes if [they’re] not watching the news", meaning that the small audience for this vastly overrated NEWS program is a bunch of bobbleheads, like the PILLHEADHEADS.

Posted 5:32 PM by Gene

TOP CLINTON AIDE SAYS RACE WILL END IN JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HILLARY'S QUITTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Last two words and overemphasis added)

Dammit, have we ever seen and heard more screaming and yelling from news hacks than in recent memory? If you're going to campaign for The Messiah do it brazenly; stop with that objectivity talk FOR ALL TIME.

With stocks like MNI at 9.28 these idiots intend to go down with the ship.

Posted 1:36 PM by Gene

My addiction did it!

Posted 12:57 PM by Gene

Obama plans to declare victory May 20

I SCREAM! YOU SCREAM!! WE ALL SCREAM!!!

Posted 12:47 PM by Gene

AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!

WASHINGTON (AP) -- U.S. official says administration considering air-dropping food and other supplies into Myanmar (sic)

Wouldn't the paranoiacs there consider it an attack?

Posted 11:30 AM by Gene

“It is known that everybody does it, but they protest,” Dangin said recently. “The people who complain about retouching are the first to say, ‘Get this thing off my arm.’ ” I mentioned the Dove ad campaign that proudly featured lumpier-than-usual “real women” in their undergarments. It turned out that it was a Dangin job. “Do you know how much retouching was on that?” he asked. “But it was great to do, a challenge, to keep everyone’s skin and faces showing the mileage but not looking unattractive.”



Shucks, you mean they weren't -- real?

(Via AdAge)

Posted 9:41 AM by Gene

McCain's problem might turn out to be the fact that Obama is the Democrats' Reagan. Obama's rhetorical cotton candy lacks Reagan's ideological nourishment, but he is Reaganesque in two important senses: People like listening to him, and his manner lulls his adversaries into underestimating his sheer toughness -- the tempered steel beneath the sleek suits.

Who knew MB2 was a liberal? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!

Posted 9:23 AM by Gene

This morning a thought occurred to us: If the Strib is in danger of bankruptcy, we'd expect THE BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM to start making noises about buying it, maybe LOUDLY suggesting Richard Mellon Scaife would help. To be sure this would be like Arianna plugging a...telling us Boobs McKeating didn't vote for Dubya, but it would also serve the annoying purpose of getting their ovexposed names back into circulation. But make no mistake: if they took over they'd inflict the exact same BAD its former proprietors did, only instead of knee-jerk lockstep KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! hard-core leftism we'd get knee-jerk lockstep KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! hard-core rightism. Make no mistake -- and make no mistake that again, the public would lose.

Posted 10:01 PM by Gene

Microsoft Sends Out Feelers to Facebook: Report

A fool and His money -- no. Money to burn -- no. Money isn't every -- Oh, we'll think of something.

Posted 8:51 PM by Gene

The Pentagon readied people and equipment for an aid mission to cyclone-stricken Myanmar, but the top U.S. diplomat in the Asian nation said its military junta was "paranoid" about accepting American help.

What did we say the other day?

Posted 8:44 PM by Gene

And remember further: there is no reason to think the DO-NOT-CALL LAW's impact can't spread to the Web -- if we're to judge from the frequent POSs like THIS.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD to the ASSPRESS!

Posted 8:40 PM by Gene

The owner of the Star Tribune has informed investors that it has written down the value of its $100 million investment in the newspaper by 75 percent to reflect deteriorating conditions since the purchase in March 2007.

Remember -- when we hear of more such tales of woe -- blame it on the
DO-NOT-CALL LAW.

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

J School Students to Star in Scintillating Film about J School

NUF SAID.

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

Cerberus Capital Management, the US private equity group, said it has had talks with China’s sovereign wealth fund about possible co-operation.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

Obama-Rendell?
That's the ticket.

You shut up too, Fred BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHNES.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

After one performance we don't suppose anyone will call the people behind this one George and Ira.

But then how do they differ from the people who write the Muzak for Branson East's hits?

Posted 4:57 PM by Gene

The difference between PILLHEAD deking the Democratic primaries and THE GREATEST INTERVIEWER EVER running America is...NONE. They both have it in for democracy -- and the people.

Posted 4:54 PM by Gene

Gore ties cyclone to warming

ME!!!!! ME!!!!! ME!!!!!

When Yahoo! goes KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! like this we can imagine no new low we wouldn't want its stock to hit.

Posted 1:32 PM by Gene

AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!

© 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Learn more about our Privacy Policy. [SIC!!!!!]

NOW you've done it! This is worse than ticking off the Paper of Re-CORD!

Posted 11:46 AM by Gene

Meantime, how long can Stevedom fight off competition in the name of "patents"?

Posted 10:52 AM by Gene

Shucks, you mean G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE and Stevedom won't merge to create the first $1 TRILLION market-cap company?

Android Arriving

Yes, to manage it.

Posted 10:22 AM by Gene

Russia: Medvedev Inaugurated

SIEG HE...whoooooooooooooops!

Posted 10:17 AM by Gene

U.N.: Burma cyclone a 'major disaster'

We couldn't have known without you!

Posted 7:12 PM by Gene

By the way, can news hacks turn CEOs into heroes midst a recession?

Posted 6:26 PM by Gene

In my quest to build a first-class DVD collection I have come across one of SLIME's screwiest innovations: Cliffs Notes movies. Yes, movies packaged with Cliffs Notes. There are nine titles, and judging by the selection these aren't necessary the most Cliffs Notesiest -- nor the best; but then we're limited to the movies SLIME distributes on DVD, namely FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the outfit that MUST call itself MGM. When B&N had a recent sale I bought two of them: Jane Eyre (the 1944 version) and Inherit the Wind, the latter somewhat difficult because it is from that pill Stanley Kramer, he who thought he could be less of a pill directing slapstick, and it is something of a lecture, and it was written by Lawrence and Lee, those limousine liberals nonpareil, and it does have Gene Kelly as Mencken; but it also has two solid old tubthumpers in Spencer Tracy and Fredric March, and fact is I've only torn the shrink wrap off maybe half-a-dozen of the dozens of titles I've purchased as I'm still waiting to get a TV.

And the best part is, if the movie's no good I can still crib from the Cliffs Notes.

Unfortunately, no Cliffs Notes came with The Nutty Professor (wrong company). At least they could have delved into the history of France.

Posted 6:08 PM by Gene

Speaking of:

Feldstein Says U.S. Economy `Sliding' Into Recession

Pardon us, Marty, but hasn't the country slid into recession for the past eighteen months? When will you Ouija-board manipulators finally get it right?

Posted 6:02 PM by Gene

It's official: Citi's chairman says THE CRISIS IS OVER!!!!!

Sir Win also defended the world's major banks against criticism from billionaire investor Warren Buffett that they are growing too big to manage effectively.

Sir Win said that the success of all companies "ultimately comes down to management" regardless of size.

Thus exempting St. Warren of Buffett.

Posted 5:59 PM by Gene

The Media Center of the Universe is a hotbed of piracy.

Would that count as an instance of rebellion?

(Via ShowBizData)

Posted 5:56 PM by Gene

At SUDS U. students sell dope.

FLASH! The sun rises in the east.

(Via ASSPress)

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

ANALYST WARNS OF OIL AT $200 A BARREL!!!!!!!!!!!! (Overemphasis added)

Mr Murti’s warnings carry weight in the oil market after he correctly predicted in March 2005 when oil traded at about $55 a barrel that prices could suffer a “super-spike” to $105 a barrel.

The warning in 2005 was criticised as “self-serving” because Goldman Sachs is one of the largest Wall Street investment banks trading oil and it could profit from an increase in prices.

The criticism forced the bank’s then chief executive – Henry Paulson – to defend the bullish report. Mr Paulson is now US Treasury secretary.

Ka-CHING!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

Has anyone noticed what the former Jack Valenti of Mortgages's ticker symbol stands for?

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Another reason we desperately need SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS: The SUPERPROFESSOR has an exclusive!!!! brought to us by MS. SOUTH PARK:

Fred Thompson [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

will not be John McCain's veep. An Insta-interview.

05/05 03:24 PM

Wow! And to think NewsMAX!!!!! reported that only...a week ago!

MORE SCOOPMAKING WHERE THAT CAME FROM, SUPERPROF!

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

• Myanmar regime slow to OK foreign aid for cyclone victims

TRANSLATION: We're so paranoid we'll do it ourselves!

Although the outlook is changing, if you read the story.

Posted 3:25 PM by Gene

Another reason we should kiss the ground DWIGHTs soil: they keep Belly Kisser and his kleptocrats in power.

Posted 9:57 AM by Gene

Oh will you morons stop feeling sorry for yourselves? Corporate America still incinerates tens of billions in boob-tube bonfires, and will keep on doing so until it can no longer shmooze in Hollywood -- which will be when HELL FREEZES OVER.

And that will be never because they can use all those tens of billions to heat up HELL.

(Via the usual ArtsJournal)

Posted 9:45 AM by Gene

The Post-American World
As China and Russia rise, where does that leave the United States?



I thought America was already dead.

Or taken over by the Japanese twenty years ago.

This is all because we lost Afghanistan on Annie Leibovitz' watch.

P. S. We couldn't find that famous cover of Japan gobbling up America, but we did find this:



And you wonder why people don't read newsrags anymore.

Posted 9:32 AM by Gene

Speaking of EHDYUKAYSHUN, Romy and some "former Fortune staffer" dust off that old failed magic trick about getting INSTEETOOTS UV HYER LURNING to take over the news biz, which would merely formalize its effete snobbery -- and if we know the most successful of these like HAHVAHD MUTUAL FUND they won't want to invest in a FAILING business.

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

"I don't want to be the dummy that says, 'I don't know how to do that,' " says country star Gretchen Wilson from her Wilson County home, which sits on 400 acres they call Wilson Mountain. "And I certainly don't want her to think you can be this successful without an education."

These are among the first reasons given for why, at 34, the "Redneck Woman" finished high school.

Ah, but you can be successful! Lots of famous people who did good flunked something. They weren't "dummies". That they succeeded was all the more testimony to their spirit. I think we do overvalue the worth of an EHDYUKAYSHUN.

(Via ASSPress)

Posted 3:13 PM by Gene

In fairness to THE CONSPIRACY, its co-conspirators are merely playing to a very weak strong suit. Which would you rather see: Cary Grant or some non-entity in an electronic suit portraying a CGI superhero? Sophia Loren or -- I forgot, there are no Sophia Lorens anymore. Nor Cary Grants, nor Ernst Lubitsches, nor Herman Mankiewiczs, and maybe that's the point: with no Cary Grants or Sophia Lorens the biz has to put something on the screen, just for self-preservation, though it be a pile of horseleavings; and the ever-improving technology guarantees it will be nothing but comic books, and its ever-improvement makes the horseleavings ever more aromatic. That doesn't mean we have to play an AD-BLURBIST like A.O. and pretend they smell like roses. What always strikes us about the stupid movie audience and the effete snobs is how they stand so religiously close to the piles and breathe deep. Their behavior primes us for ever-increased disgust; if the chances for show-biz' product improving is zero, these zeros make the chances less-than.

We've issued variations on this flat, tiresome theme again and again, which certainly doesn't ameliorate our disgust.

Even the table-pounding advertorial writers had to admit attendance was down markedly this week, and they can make a zillion excuses, and it won't be that way next week with another cartoon coming on, but this trend may not be short-term, and we would like to believe some outliers among the movie morons have finally gotten the message.

Posted 12:36 PM by Gene

An admission (gulp) from a leading blogger:

If the respective left and right blogospheres had any real say in things, would we be looking at a McCain vs. Obama contest in November? Or McCain vs. Hillary? We would not. It would be Giuliani vs. Edwards, or maybe Romney vs. Dodd. The blogosphere is good at raising modest sums of money, and it likewise plays a modest role at the congressional level, but its influence on the national stage appears to be pretty close to nil. That was true in 2004, when Kerry won the Democratic nomination, and it appears to still be true four years later.

Posted 8:35 AM by Gene

How heartening to know we have another friend in the Gulf.