Posted 4:54 PM by Gene

The LATEST from Carl Limburger and NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

Falwell: I Trust Brush on Supreme Ct.

The one you comb your frizzy hair with? Or the one you BEAT people with?

Posted 1:39 PM by Gene

Tens of thousands of dollars meant to help defray the city's costs for hosting the Live 8 concert were deposited not in city coffers but in a private account managed by an independent nonprofit that Mayor Street controls.

Perhaps this is totally innocent, or perhaps it demonstrates our beloved mayor can never stop thinking of himself -- AND HIS FRIENDS.

Posted 10:18 AM by Gene

TOENAIL.COM DOES IT AGAIN:

Today's Doonesbury: Stopped talking sense.

A LONG TIME AGO.

Posted 10:05 AM by Gene

STERNO's got ANOTHER NEW THING: DELL'S CUSTOMER SERVICE.

Really, STERNO, isn't this a little -- EASY?

Posted 9:35 AM by Gene

Which reminds me: yesterday during a driving rainstorm I was caught in the bowels of our subway concourse where some twenty-something nerds engaged in germ warf -- handed out LITERATURE for LYNDON LaROUCHE. And the thought struck me: what's the difference between LaRoucheism and SCIENTOLOGY, except one's popular in LALALAND?

Those are two circles in a Venn diagram that nearly overlap.

Posted 9:33 AM by Gene

Family: Suspect was 'brainwashed'

When will the Muslim world finally come to realize ISLAMISM is BRAINWASHING?

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

Remember when people battered down convenience stores to buy BASEBALL CARDS hoping their two-cent pieces of posterboard would someday be worth 500 UMPTEEN MEGAZILLION KATRILLION DOLLARS? Well, not long after SELIGISM sputtered its way to GREATNESS. NOW:

Sports card company Upper Deck has won an auction to take over rival Fleer's name and its toy car business.

The Upper Deck Co., a privately-held company based in Carlsbad, Calif., bid $6.1 million for the intellectual property and die-cast toy business of debt-ridden Fleer, according to the Web site of Warren J. Martin Jr., a lawyer overseeing Thursday's auction.

Saddled with nearly $40 million in debt, Fleer went out of business in May. Lawyers for the Mount Laurel-based company said that the rising costs associated with putting sports memorabilia into packs of cards, coupled with dwindling interest in the hobby, led to the company's demise.

I guess greed isn't what it used to be. That or the collectors have graduated to HOUSES.

A NICE PUNCHLINE:

Fleer's remaining memorabilia — items ranging from a uniform from Japanese home run king Sadaharu Oh to a box of baseballs signed by retired pitcher Sparky Lyle to pingpong balls used in an NBA draft lottery — is to be auctioned later.

The proceeds from that auction and the one held Thursday will go to a list of creditors that includes dozens of professional athletes.

HARDY-HAR-HAR!

Posted 9:11 AM by Gene

This is the HOLY GRAIL of the NEW THEATAH: to revive AN IMMORTAL MASTERPIECE. But none of the DOKTOR's ETERNAL VERITIES has ever been profitably revived on Broadway. Who wants to spend a whole evening with a DOWNER? (Indeed his only enduringly popular work with the people -- certainly at colleges -- may be A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, perhaps because it's Watered-Down Bawdy Humor Made E-Z -- and DESPITE a GAWDAWFUL MOVIE VERSION.) Nonetheless his thousands of millions of fans will keep trying, until every last one of these treasures goes the way of VICTOR HERBERT. And people can still hum "Indian Summer."

I hate to keep harping on this MASTER, but he's one of these GENIUSES -- like Dylan, like Bruce, like Martin -- whom the HACKS regard as BULLETPROOF, largely because by merely citing his name they think they're being INTELLIGENT. Saying EINSTEIN a million times does NOT raise your IQ.

Posted 9:05 AM by Gene

PROFOUND THOUGHTS AT TOILETBOWL.COM:

Mining the Minds of Killers
What strange obsession drives the authors of grisly true-crime books?

Well, for one thing, they think they'll make a fortune; their editors and publishers think they'll make a fortune; and the high priests of Hollywood think by buying the properties they'll make a fortune. Could that be the reason? NAAAAAAAAAAH.

Posted 9:03 AM by Gene

NEWS HACKS would make more of this "STUDY" that PRAYER HAS NO HEALING POWER, but after this week of DEMANDING KARL ROVE'S RESIGNATION it might not look too -- er, KOSHER.

Besides, we've always known the power of God resides with OMERTA, and his fellow MEDIA TABLE-POUNDERS.

Posted 9:00 AM by Gene

Shucks, the Governator decides not to exercise his RIGHT as a REPUBLICAN to MAKE MONEY.

Larry Kudlow will not like this.

Not that Governator needs the money -- but it would have been nice pocket change.

Posted 8:58 AM by Gene

Why do we need the Orbiting Jalopy when there are the Chinese, who (having stolen enough of our high-tech and our secrets) can probably do it better than we can?

Posted 6:43 PM by Gene

Muslim leaders and scholars met at London's largest mosque Friday to condemn the terrorist attacks in the British capital, saying the perpetrators had violated the Quran by killing innocent civilians and that no one should consider them martyrs.

BUT the 22 imams and scholars stopped short of condemning all suicide bombings, saying that those that target occupying forces in countries such as Israel and Iraq are sometimes justified.

Again, despite the condition, this must count as progress; BUT so long as there are conditions we cannot be sure that even an accidental killing of civilians might not be piously weasel-worded into a just act.

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

Speaking of dubious stats, to these victors go very spoiled spoils. Has anyone ever done a study about how much the remains of bankrupted companies are worth after they're split up? If Enron was a false front, why should it be less so with the scavengers clearing its rubble?

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to the REUT for making LEMONADE out of what has become a LEMONY CAREER.

And of course what sales pitch is complete without a STAT -- "$1 billion" in record sales. No doubt the REUT cribbed it off a flack sheet, without bothering to do any calculations or furrow a brow. THAT we reserve for KARL ROVE.

Posted 3:26 PM by Gene

In some quarters, the definition of a "HERO":

A young Marine who feared returning to Iraq persuaded his cousin to shoot him in the leg, then told police he was hit by random gang gunfire, authorities said.

Posted 2:55 PM by Gene

I wonder what she did to offend Islam?

P. S.

Police investigations into the attacks gathered pace as it emerged that one of the London bombers visited the Houses of Parliament as a guest of a Labour MP.

Buhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuh....

Posted 1:57 PM by Gene

ANOTHER INJUSTICE:

A federal appeals court put the Bush administration's military commissions for terrorist suspects back on track Friday, saying a detainee at the Guantanamo Bay prison who once was Osama bin-Laden's driver can stand trial.

Isn't it bad enough we run a GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULAG?

Posted 1:22 PM by Gene

ROMY SHAKES HIS HEAD VIOLENTLY BECAUSE "BUSH'S MOUTHPIECE" SHOULD RESIGN!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, over at The Corner, an observation from "The Derb" -- and while he occasionally gives us a slightly unpleasant sensation, we can't quite ignore it:

UH-OH [John Derbyshire]
A reader has a slightly creepy thought about current news obsessions:

"JD---Both the Wilson and Aruba stories are so much hoopla, space-fillers.

"Kind of reminds me of the summer of 2001, all Chandra [Levy] all the time until shortly after Labor Day..."

Posted at 11:58 AM

Posted 11:22 AM by Gene

J'ACCUSE!

ST. LOUIS (AP) - Two hip-hop radio personalities have been suspended for an on-air discussion of ways to fight police officers - comments made not long after an officer was slain.

Officials at KATZ-FM would not detail the comments, but said the remarks made on Wednesday related to ways to hurt or disarm police officers.

Why can't we make a CASE for these martyrs -- just as we're making a case for JOE WILSON?

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like the way E&P leads off the hed -- like having a surprise birthday party for yourself. Really, I think we've had enough of HACKS SNEERING AT US.

Posted 10:48 AM by Gene

BRENT BOZELL IS MAD AGAIN!!!!!

This is why STERNO always makes fun of him: his foot-stomping over those blasted four-letter words. He's not concerned about sleaze on television -- he's concerned about narrow, specific kinds of sleaze. (He also doesn't mind violence, as his un-shut-uppable endorsements of PATRIOTIC GORE demonstrate.) Really, isn't it time for a cultural watchdog with erudition -- and SENSE?

P. S. I just surfed STERNO for the first time in weeks; his thing's now that proposed artsy-craftsy museum at Ground Zero. Oh well, so long as he doesn't obsess over PRUDES.

Posted 10:26 AM by Gene

GEORGE PATAKI is running for PRESIDENT OF THE PAPER OF RE-CORD!

He sure ain't running for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

Posted 8:01 AM by Gene

Chief Nine Fingers is going out with his boots on.

Fine for the Wild West -- is it good for the Nine Fingers?

Posted 7:14 PM by Gene

"Duke" Cunningham, one of NEWT's original stalwarts, is leaving Congress because he sold a house to a defense contractor who then sold it at a $700,000 loss.

I guess that trade doesn't seem so smart now, huh Duke.

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

Four female liberal Democratic senators (two of them Republicans) want Justice O'Connor to stay because EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL lurks.

No, Justice O'Connor's husband has Alzheimer's, and she did a decent act, more than we can ever expect of "such things" as SENATORS.

Posted 5:20 PM by Gene

Strong words and good words about SELIGISM -- now if only this guy hadn't plugged ANOTHER CON-SER-VA-TIVE MOVIE.

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

To the extent we can believe public opinion polls, declining Muslim support for terrorism ought to be a good thing. But consider the numbers:



Getting out Bugmeister Bill's handy-dandy Calculator I see these nations average about 27 percent for. Factor in differing populations (and that in Jordan and Lebanon they're most likely venting at JOOOOOOOOS) and still a good quarter of these people think blowing up innocent civilians is a fine thing. We have a long way to go to defeat this scourge -- and to believe the world of Islam in its protestations, despite the many within it of conscience.

Posted 2:45 PM by Gene

"Roses are Reddish. Violets are Blueish. Our stock's in the toilet. But at least we're both Jewish."

What rhymes with "Junior," "Warner Music Group" and "SUCKERS!"?

Posted 2:23 PM by Gene

Senate Democrats moved forcefully into the controversy surrounding White House aide Karl Rove on Thursday, calling for legislation to deny security clearances to officials who disclose the identity of an undercover agent. Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev., sought to attach the proposal to a spending bill for the Department of Homeland Security, and aides said he hoped for a vote by day's end.

Yep, it's the DOG DAYS of SUMMER.

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

Suicide barrage on Baghdad govt. compound foiled

Okay HACKS, does that mean we bury it because IT'S NOT NEWS?

Posted 1:41 PM by Gene

No! NO!!!!!

Politics: U.N. To Govern Internet?

One thing's sure: DIAL-UP MODEMS would be a HOT COMMODITY.

Anyone for 600 BAUD?

Posted 1:37 PM by Gene

HOLY COCKROACHES SAY THEY DIDN'T KILL THOSE KIDS?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Snow falls in summer.

Posted 1:30 PM by Gene

Two interesting links in ArtsJournal.com:

How Long Should The Intermission Be?

A Pink Floyd Opera?

I say -- FOREVER.

Posted 1:26 PM by Gene

GEEKS!

A suspicious package spotted at the Buffalo-Niagara International Airport forced authorities to clear the main terminal Wednesday. It turned out the bag contained Star Wars toys and memorabilia.

Posted 1:19 PM by Gene

1. Baseball's better than ever -- the All-Star Game's ratings were off by 8 percent -- to a new low!

2. Media Life, an industry shill, said the ratings were UP 11 PERCENT!

So -- SKEPTICISM is not just limited to NEWSPAPERS.

Posted 1:17 PM by Gene

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is being paid $1 million a year as a consultant to a company that publishes fitness magazines, a deal critics say is a serious conflict of interest for the former bodybuilding champion.

Six of one:

"He shouldn't be taking this kind of money -- because HE'S A REPUBLICAN!"

Half-dozen of the other:

"Why shouldn't he take the money?"

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Posted 12:11 PM by Gene

J. K.'s FRANCHISE may be "past its peak."

MEMO to USAOKAY!!!!!: SELL IT SOME @#$%&* MORE!!!!!!!!!!

And please Gary, call it -- SKEPTICISM.

Posted 11:15 AM by Gene

Yes, I'm sure a few naughty deeds went on at GITMO, and maybe they passed onto ABU, but if 9/11 teaches us anything it's that the HACKS can't see the tiny mountain from their HUGE MOLEHILLS.

Posted 11:12 AM by Gene

ROMY shakes his head as NEWS HACKS TELL THE TRUTH AGAIN!!!!!

Of course it depends on your definition of "truth." It may also depend on your definition of Minnesota.

I would check the BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM to see if they've responded to this EVIL from the STRIB but they tell the truth DIFFERENTLY.

Posted 11:09 AM by Gene

USAOKAY!!!!! IT SPINS! IT SELLS! IT DOES EVERYTHING EXCEPT RESPECT ITS READERS' INTELLIGENCE!!!!!!

Posted 6:29 AM by Gene

This confab of elder comedians is fine proof of that old maxim that laughter is the best medicine, but the melancholy thought arises that soon these codgers will leave the scene, and we'll be left with their younger successors, who aren't so funny.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Once a slut, always a slut.

Posted 7:16 PM by Gene

Running through some past posts to reassure myself of my brilliance (hardy-har-har), I came across the former Sen. Foghorn Leghorn. And I thought, whatever became of that cartoon character anyhow? Not much; he rates only about seventeen entries in GoogleNews, most regarding his son, who's running for the honorary post of South Carolina's lieutenant governor. As for the cluckcluckclucking dad, he resides in Charleston, perhaps not quite as important as before, but he did "write a letter" to DR. EVIL on the occasion of THE CONSPIRACY's HQ being named for him.

Or as Henry Adams wrote,

The type of Senator in 1850 [like Foghorn] was rather charming at its best, and the Senate, when in good temper, was an agreeable body, numbering only some sixty members, and affecting the airs of courtesy. Its vice was not so much a vice of manners or temper as of attitude. The statesman of all periods was apt to be pompous, but even pomposity was less offensive than familiarity -- on the platform as in the pulpit -- and Southern pomposity, when not arrogant, was genial and sympathetic, almost quaint and childlike in its simple-mindedness; quite a different thing from the Websterian or Conklinian pomposity of the North....

[A]ny one could be President, and some very shady characters were likely to be. Presidents, Senators, Congressmen, and such things were swarming in every street.

P. S. I can find no mention on House and Senate sites of the "remarks" four such things expectorated on DR. EVIL this past June 22. How odd. How predictable.

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

The CORNER's gaga over another CON-SER-VA-TIVE movie.

These clowns don't merely get on my nerves, they stomp on them. NRO CON-SER-VA-TIVES are cultural liberals. There's no distinguishing them and the GLIBERAL, or any conventional ad-blurb copywriter. They can be PC too, only more SMOOTHLY. Indeed one suspects many are con-SER-va-tives only insofar as it can take them, and they have too many connections. I forlornly look for a conservative with principles, not a Jonah, not a Tucker, not a Brooksy, who stands for something other than making as much money as possible (I would say getting laid as often as possible, but they may be a little old for that). As I've had to say too many times, there's no difference between con-SER-va-tive glibness and LIBERAL.

Posted 2:54 PM by Gene

Ze FRRRRRRRRRRRRENCH, still smarting from the loss of the GE BANCORP GAMES, accuse the BRITS of having previously held the HOLY COCKROACHES now in -- "Heaven", and this wouldn't surprise us, as the Brits went through a PC phase where it was okay to be an "extremist." Whether they're out of it remains to be seen.

Posted 1:34 PM by Gene

Man Tries to Rob Same Calif. Bank 5 Times

Now THAT's customer service!

Posted 1:30 PM by Gene

"No one may issue a fatwa without the requisite personal qualifications."

I say I'm qualified.

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

The bad news: some of our nuclear warheads may not work as well as intended.

The good news: some of our nuclear warheads may not kill as many people as intended.

PFFH-HH-HH!

Posted 12:05 PM by Gene

If SATELLITE RADIO's so great why do you want to buy ESPNCORP'S STATIONS --

ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?

Posted 12:00 PM by Gene

The NHL and the players union come to another agreement.

SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

Posted 11:53 AM by Gene

WorldCom's Ebbers Gets 25 Years in Prison

That seems reasonable, given all the money he created.

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

OH oh, get ready for the POLITICALLY-CORRECT BEAN COUNTERS again:

RTNDA: Minorities in Radio Fell to 7.9%

There should be more minorities in broadcast news, but the problem is many of the new hires tend to be hyperliberals, which means more demands for Karl Rove's resignation and other justice. It bears repeating: diversity, yes -- but also THOUGHT DIVERSITY.

P. S. Some of this is due to CHEAP CHANNELING, and we all know how CHEAP CHANNEL stands on MUSICAL diversity.

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

Indeed, as soon as Monday's bash-by-press session ended, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) called on Rove to resign. If everybody resigned when Kerry demanded it, Washington would be empty.

No, we'd have a one-party town. But the idea of everyone in Washington resigning has its merits.

Posted 9:36 AM by Gene

It is heartening that Muslims are agitating to protest terrorism. It will really be heartening if a lot of Muslims show up.

Posted 9:25 AM by Gene

JOKE OF THE DAY: Some fleabag vanity press named Random House pays big bucks to a [C]RAPPER for his "life story," perhaps thinking [C]RAPPERS can read and write. Not unexpectedly, the [C]RAPPER writes nothing and may have kept the advance. The vanity press and the [C]RAPPER settle a lawsuit which no doubt entailed the vanity press spending big bucks reclaiming the big bucks it should have known it would lose in the first place.

A BRILLIANT punchline:

Combs is not the first musician who failed to deliver his life's story. Years ago, Mick Jagger received a seven-figure advance to write his memoirs, but eventually returned the money, saying he couldn't remember anything of significance.

Posted 9:23 AM by Gene

Henry Kissinger -- meet SECRETARY OF STATE POWELL!

Posted 9:13 AM by Gene

Homeland Security To Be Restructured

Does that mean they get to make up fancy new organization charts on their computers?

Posted 8:51 AM by Gene

In further news of the Brits' FRIENDS:

Pakistan has said it helped Britain thwart a militant attack before May's general election in the UK.

Well THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!

Posted 8:47 AM by Gene

Another hero for the hacks to chortle over:

Baghdad, July 13 -- Twenty-seven people, many of them children, were killed by a suicide truck bomb today as the children gathered around an Army vehicle where troops were handing out candy.

Posted 8:23 AM by Gene

The Brits have friends in PAKISTAN too!

Posted 2:31 PM by Gene

Colgate’s laundry-detergent market shares fell by more than half over the past 10 years as Colgate managed them for profit margin. In the 1990s, the company outsourced all production, ended all media support and conceded laundry detergent to industry heavyweight Procter & Gamble Co. as it concentrated on oral and personal care and pet food.

You could say Colgate-Palmolive WELCHED on these brands.

Posted 2:18 PM by Gene

TAKE THAT, BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM! VIACON NETWORK NEWS is getting into the 24-HOUR NEWS BUSINESS! ON THE WEB!!

And I've got a slogan: ALL BIAS, ALL THE TIME! HA HA HA HA!!!!!

TAKE DOUBLE-THAT!

Posted 10:57 AM by Gene

He ran ESPNCorp. Now GEORGE MITCHELL runs -- THE NEXT BORKING!

Posted 9:46 AM by Gene

A study released Tuesday said drivers who use cell phones -- even hands-free models -- are four times as likely to be involved in wrecks involving a serious injury than are drivers who do not use cell phones.

And DR. EVIL, now disguised as a CELL-PHONE LOBBYIST, SPEAKS:

The Cellular Telecommunications & Internet Association, a Washington-based trade group, downplayed the findings, saying the distractions associated with mobile phones are no different from those encountered by drivers who eat or talk with passengers as they drive.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!!

Posted 9:20 AM by Gene

Four leading senators went to the White House Tuesday for an "advice-and-consent" meeting with President Bush on the Supreme Court vacancy but came away without a list of candidates to ponder.

"He didn't give us any names," Democratic Leader Harry Reid of Nevada told reporters after the breakfast meeting.

Besides Reid, Bush met with Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee; Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont, the ranking Democrat on the committee; and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn.

Would YOU give these guys names?

Posted 6:55 AM by Gene

I stopped consulting THE GLIBERAL a while ago -- I can make up his lines in my sleep -- but even a man NRO acclaims as America's worst columnist can come up with a truth, though it be for him like searching the proverbial haystack for the needle. To wit:

At Time, Norman Pearlstine… described his decision to turn over Matt Cooper's files to the feds as his own, made on the merits and without consulting any higher-ups at Time Warner. That's no doubt the truth, but a corporate mentality needn't be imposed by direct fiat; it's a virus that metastasizes in the bureaucratic bloodstream. I doubt anyone at Time Warner ever orders an editor to promote a schlocky Warner Brothers movie either. (Entertainment Weekly did two covers in one month on "The Matrix Reloaded.")

Of COURSE the NRO man must consider GLIB's "Bush hatred" worse; but organization-man thinking has gotten the NEWS BIZ in nothing but trouble, and it allows MANY things to metastasize.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

Several days after having a fierce chuckle with DR. EVIL at a high-powered confab -- at our expense, no doubt -- Dave Geffen confides:

"The live-action film business is not a great business," Geffen complained. "If you aren't a back-end user - if you don't own HBO or TNT or something like that - it's very, very hard to rationalize the expense of making a movie. More than half the movies made - considerably more - lose money."...

"Today, the animation company has a market cap of over $4 billion and the whole company has a market cap of well over $5 billion. [Wall Street seems to have taken care of some of THAT. --ED.] The animation business is infinitely more profitable than the live-action business. [Growth] has to come in animation."

So what the heck is Geffen doing in live action anyway?

"Hoping to have a hit," he said. "It's very expensive to make movies. And if you make a mistake, you lose a lot of money."

Tell that to your SHAREHOLDERS.

Posted 8:02 PM by Gene

Official: Afghans sheltered SEAL from Taliban

Perhaps they know who the good guys are after all.

Posted 5:51 PM by Gene

Let us remember the flowers, the vast sea of flowers, that sprang up after Di's death. We trust the British spirit this time will be more than flowers.

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

Somebody celebrated a birthday before 18,000 at Hollywood Bowl. The invited guests are enough to make you wish God had not invented candles: Elaine Stritch, Angela Lansbury, Len Cariou, Bernadette Peters, Barbara Cook, not to mention a bunch of who-are-theys known principally to musical-comedy fans (or I should say "musical," as the birthday boy took the comedy out). Babs and Warren were there, and while they too summon up visions of SocSec they only make us yearn for duct tape. As for the birthday boy, possibly his MASTERWORKS will have long lives in Noo Yawk and LALALAND, where self-obsession is a local hobby, but we wouldn't want to bet on the vast mid-section that still yearns for actual music.

Posted 5:29 PM by Gene

THE FUTURE OF KR: Turning its Philly tabloid into a matchmaker, just like the free "ALTERNATIVE" fishwrappings.

What the hell's the point of a newspaper if it doesn't run NEWS?

P. S. The girls are okay, I suppose, but don't tell mother.

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

Please! PLEASE! We'll give the STORE away -- so you can shoot your BAD MOVIES HERE!

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

Some scum uses an infant as a human shield, so what might they do in LALALAND? BLAME THE POLICE.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

"THEY (THE WEST) STILL THINK LIKE LANDLORDS OF A CENTURY AGO! LANDLORDS EXPECTED THEIR PEASANTS JUST TO LISTEN TO THEIR WORDS!! BUT THE PERIOD OF ONE-SIDED DECISION-MAKING IS OVER!!! OUR NATION DOES NOT ACCEPT ONE-SIDED RELATIONS!!!!!"

Next thing you know this hostage-taking Khrushchev will be banging his shoe.

Or his nukes.

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

Awww, isn't that nice:

New Ford SUV hybrid being sold online
Mercury Mariner strategy includes sales help from Sierra Club

Who needs car dealers?

P. S. Who gets the employee discount?

Posted 2:09 PM by Gene

OH oh, that big green Louis Armstrong impersonator with the green plastic Bugles chips for ears shipped his bosses' problems to the SEC!

Posted 1:54 PM by Gene

Why does the thought of Timothy Noah blowing his stack that KARL ROVE BLEW THE COVER OF AN UNDERCOVER CIA OFFICIAL!!!!!!!!!!! provoke gales of laughter? Possibly because it's Karl Rove he's connipted about, not the CIA man. If Karl Rove did this (as seems too possible) he should resign. But because this is related to the interminable Judith Miller inside baseball it is impossible to get worked up about it, which may not be a good thing.

Posted 12:58 PM by Gene

I am glad Yahoo! put that very cute and very charming singer Frances Langford on its home page, however briefly, as such people, memorable though they were, are increasingly difficult to remember in an age of [C]RAP and LUKE SPIELBERG.

Posted 9:59 AM by Gene

NAACP leader scolds conservatives, needles Bush

Republicans have also attacked it as biased in favor of Democrats, an assertion the N.A.A.C.P., a nonprofit group, strongly denies.

US? BIASED?? NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Posted 8:34 AM by Gene

Hey HOLY COCKROACHES! What did you have against this lady?

Posted 8:02 AM by Gene

NHL and Players' Association Hold Talks

SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

Posted 6:29 AM by Gene

Fannie Mae, the top buyer and guarantor of home loans, is offering a new program that allows low- and middle-income buyers new ways of qualifying for loans. To help cover the cost of their monthly mortgage payments, applicants can use federal housing vouchers or rent they would receive from relatives or others living with them.

Do I hear REALTORS going BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!?

Posted 6:23 AM by Gene

While we may regret that THE CONSPIRACY can't agree on which hi-def DVD format to support, we can take comfort that they're ALL agreed to make movies WORSE.

Posted 6:15 AM by Gene

Specter Offers a Suggestion for Chief Justice: O'Connor

OMMMMM, thank you, thank you for that five-minute standing ovationnnnn....

PINCH has said it before, PINCH will say it again -- why can't ALL Republicans be like SENATOR O'SPECTER?

Posted 1:52 PM by Gene

Muslim charities -- aiding TERROR? Who ever heard of THAT?

In similar sentiments, Amir Taheri, an Al-Sharq Al Awsat columnist, criticized Muslims who equivocate over terrorist attacks.

Insinuations that they were provoked by Western actions such as the invasion of Iraq, he said, simply gave terrorists the impression that they had tacit support.

"Until we hear the voices of the Muslims condemning attacks of this kind with no words [of qualification] such as 'but' and 'if,' the suicide bombers and the murderers will have an excuse to think that they enjoy the support of all Muslims.

"The real battle against the enemy of mankind will begin when the 'silent majority' in the Islamic world makes its voice heard against the murderers, and against those who brainwash them, believe them, and fund them."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN!!!!!

Posted 1:42 PM by Gene

Speaking of taxes, I think we have another muni-CIP-ally proud movement afoot to throw money down the toilet for FILM PRODUCTION!

Posted 1:39 PM by Gene

Hope for DEMOCRACY in the ARAB WORLD:

The Palestinian Fatah movement Sunday suspended one of its members for writing and publishing an article criticizing the Fatah Central Committee.

Posted 1:37 PM by Gene

Shhh, don't tell con-SER-va-tives, BUT:

U.S. Treasury Secretary John Snow said on Friday the U.S. budget deficit is shrinking faster than expected because of high tax revenues.

Deficit? What's a DEFICIT?

Posted 1:13 PM by Gene

SHUCKS, it appears THE STREAK ENDS AT 19. But there's always hope for a new one! (And of COURSE we count the SUNDAY figures even though hardly anyone's seen a movie yet.)

P. S. The dollar difference is about 2.5% -- meaning most likely THEY'RE STILL DOWN IN ATTENDANCE. Let's see the SHOW-BIZ TOADIES mention THAT!

Posted 12:39 PM by Gene

The latest wit from CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES:

Three strippers and two nightclub managers have been arrested for allegedly spanking a trucker at his 31st birthday bash and severely bruising his backside.

...and from PAPER OF RE-CORD.COM! What hath Adolph wrought?

Posted 11:51 AM by Gene

At St. Pancras Parish Church, just steps from where one of the bombs cut apart a double-decker bus and killed 13 people, the Rev. Paul Hawkins spoke of the diversity of culture and faith in London.

"This will only make us more determined to live in peace and respect each other and we can all play our part in that," he said.

Just one problem, Rev. The scum that attacked your people would have NONE OF IT.

Posted 11:42 AM by Gene

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to a man who wants to market R MOVIES TO MINORS!

Another reason why THE PAPER OF RE-CORD is UNREFORMABLE: this TYPIST likens BAD SMUT to QUALITY.

Posted 10:52 AM by Gene

A LINDBERGH FOR THE AGE:

Skateboarder Clears Great Wall of China

AWESOME, DUDE!

Posted 10:47 AM by Gene

If this is what passes for an interview in TWXSTER rag maybe it ought to be eight pages thick.

Posted 8:42 AM by Gene

TWO BRILLIANT POINTS:

Should a temporary majority of 50.7 percent have control over the entire United States government? Should 49.3 percent of Americans have no influence over the nation's trajectory for the next generation?

WHIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

The basic question Dionne ought to be asking, of course, is of a very different nature: Should five justices be free to invent “rights” that have no legitimate basis in the text or structure of the Constitution and to deprive 300 million Americans of their constitutional power to set policy on those invented rights?

WHIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

WHEW! Weren't within a half-mile of each other.

Posted 8:31 AM by Gene

BATTLE OF THE LEAKED BRITISH DOCUMENTS: One says the US and the UK will withdraw half their forces from Iraq by mid-2006. Another says 10,000 young virile British Muslims have attended "extremist conferences," 3,000 got baptized by Elvis, and they're middle-class and well-trained.

Which document will it be, exalted PM?

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

"Bob Geldorf [SIC] and his cumbayah [double SIC] crowd of 'awareness' raisers" are nothing next to -- SEAN HANNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! again proves the virtue of talking to yourself.

Posted 7:48 AM by Gene

GREAT COMEDY TEAMS: Weber and Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello...

PAKISTAN AND AFGHANISTAN.

Posted 7:20 AM by Gene

A fine example of LOCAL PRIDE:

Of course, history is full of once-proud companies that lost their way. But at least for now, some historians and business leaders say Comcast should be counted among such former Philadelphia giants as the Pennsylvania Railroad and the Baldwin Locomotive Co.

What happened to THEM?

Posted 6:39 AM by Gene

Well! We've finally managed to get rid of real people in Manhattan!

Hail the Lord God PINCH! Hail the Honorary Mayor of NEW YORK!

Posted 6:36 AM by Gene

We may wonder about a crusade against "weasel words" from a rag that's launched more than a few of its own.