THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
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Posted
9:52 PM
by Gene
CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES have a story somewhere.
Posted
7:25 PM
by Gene
WHAT WILL DIPPITY-DO!!!!! DO ABOUT IT?
Posted
3:42 PM
by Gene
OR:
SEND A NOTE TO YOUR SENATOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Roger wilco:
Dear Senator:
I thank you, despite your clodhopping and thoroughly political manner, for trying to stop bigmedia's superzillionaires from forever lording it over us.
Yours,
Eugene David
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
3:33 PM
by Gene
When do we sever diplomatic relations with CATARRH, home of ISLAMONLINE.NET AND THE OSAMA CHANNEL?
Posted
3:21 PM
by Gene
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
3:06 PM
by Gene
For God's -- I mean, YOUR sake PINCH, we realize You're ENERGIZING THE BASE with all those P. R. MIKE ads and all those DIP ads, but PINCH, we already know SNIDELY WHIPLASH is a LOUSE -- and we know the REPUBLICANS WILL KEEP THE HOUSE. Can't You do Your get-out-the-vote drives SOMEWHERE ELSE?
Posted
10:47 AM
by Gene
And in the fourth graf, THE PAPER OF RECORD clears its throat with an implied set of parentheses:
((((The fact that these companies and individuals received oil from Iraq does not mean they did anything illegal, experts on the program said. Such allocations may have been proper if the individuals and companies received appropriate United Nations approval.)))) (Parentheses added.)
As the public gets angrier and angrier with NEWS HACKS, the NEWS HACKS grow more INTRANSIGENT. I wonder: how would they spin the WORD OF GOD? (Not that they'd need to -- news hacks ARE GODS.)
P. S.
Sanctions worked. Weapons inspectors worked. That is the bottom line of the long-awaited report on weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, written by President Bush's handpicked investigator.
I GUESS THEY DIDN'T WORK THAT WELL. PINCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P. P. S. Here's why NEWS HACKS win: the Duelfer report takes a LONG TIME to download, and who wants to spend a long time DOWNLOADING? Let the HACKS read it for you. Let the hacks PARSE IT and SPIN IT and DISTORT IT. How do we get beyond NEWS HACKS with reports as voluminous as this? Nevertheless, here are three hard-won LINKS -- and AN EXECUTIVE SUMMARY for the lazy (like me).
Posted
9:21 AM
by Gene
Oh, I forgot. He's leaving.
Anyway, let's hope for more bombings and hostage -- er, let's hope the FORCES OF RIGHT prevail on OUR Election Day!
Posted
7:12 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:10 AM
by Gene
What is the diff between this and OMERTA threatening his reporters with PUNISHMENT for not adhering to his CODE? Why is brute force wrong only when CONSERVATIVES do it?
Posted
7:02 AM
by Gene
What is this, an election or a boxing match?
Anything but an election, we've learned.
Posted
5:28 PM
by Gene
Pffh-hh-hh!!!!!
Posted
5:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:12 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:04 PM
by Gene
No more than usual.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Just kidding, Mick.
Posted
2:24 PM
by Gene
You're not Sirius! You're SUMNER! (PFFH-HH-HH!)
Posted
1:55 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:41 AM
by Gene
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH DA DUT DUT!!!!!
(Pffh-hh-hh!)
Posted
8:30 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:00 AM
by Gene
STERNO DANCES ON HIS DESK TODAY!!!!!
Now back to more embarrassing $3,000 fines.
Posted
6:46 AM
by Gene
Oh how the news hacks smile in anticipation of the one loaded stupid question that makes Dubya disgorge a torrent of gaffes. Good rockin' tonight!
Posted
6:23 AM
by Gene
Does The Economist who Makes Statistics Wince ever smile? I doubt it, not with all the EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL in the world perpetrated by Dubya, and KARL ROVE, and THE FOUNDER OF HALLIBURTON. (Although he no doubt smirks a little when worshiping His God PINCH.)
Posted
6:21 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:18 AM
by Gene
Surely we could have found SOMEBODY who hated us.
Posted
5:42 PM
by Gene
and perhaps KARL ROVE as the GREAT and POWERFUL OZ...
and JOHN EDWARDS as DOROTHY.
(Sorry as always for the NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Posted
5:38 PM
by Gene
A Harris County Precinct 7 deputy constable was fired Wednesday after being accused of having a campaign sign in her county car.
Catherine Moore denied campaigning on county time, but a sign for Democratic candidate May Walker was found in the trunk of her county-owned vehicle, said Constable Michael C. Butler.
That tune goes well with the LET-'EM-RIP gang attacking America's Bush/Cheney signs.
Posted
5:35 PM
by Gene
Sorta rolls trippingly off the tongue like one of your recent musicals, si?
Posted
5:31 PM
by Gene
And all Egypt CHEERS!!!!!
A Hilton too. How much do we pay you guys, oh holy thug HOSNI?
Posted
5:12 PM
by Gene
P. S. Expect IDIOT RAVES FROM ANDY S. and the RIGHT-WING GLIBERAL -- because it's A CONSERVATIVE MOVIE.
Posted
2:18 PM
by Gene
Do you have five years?
Posted
1:52 PM
by Gene
Don't they qualify as art?
Port Authority spokesman Pasquale DiFulco said guests at Friday's opening-night party had been illegally smoking inside the terminal, and that liquor had been sold without a permit. He said a door had been broken, walls were covered with graffiti and vomit was found on the floor.
IT IS ART!!!!!
Posted
1:27 PM
by Gene
(Corrected 2/16/2009; I gave this overexposed self-appointed expert of talk radio the wrong title.)
Posted
10:21 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:56 AM
by Gene
I tell ya he didn't get no respect!
Posted
9:49 AM
by Gene
Listen, I can believe Karl's a little scheming, and Noam a little brain-dead, but can't we debate politics on the MERITS?
Posted
9:30 AM
by Gene
Why not? They rub us raw with overcooked news.
Posted
9:04 AM
by Gene
When does John "The Tinkler" Updike get it?
P. S. I think I know why they gave her the award:
A controversial figure in her homeland, Jelinek belonged to the Austrian Communist Party from 1974-91.
RAH! RAH! RAH! Her and Le Duc Tho!
Posted
8:13 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:26 PM
by Gene
P. R. MIKE displays a sense of humor -- for once.
Posted
6:19 PM
by Gene
One other thing: how many of the traders are REPUBLICANS?
Posted
5:14 PM
by Gene
TRIBUNE COMPANY owns 27 TV stations (including two stations in each of five markets), a radio station, and a 22% stake in Time Warner's The WB;
HEARST CORPORATION owns a majority stake in Hearst-Argyle Television, which owns 25 TV stations and has a production deal with GE Bancorp's TV and movie unit; stakes in numerous cable channels including ESPN and Lifetime, and two radio stations direct;
E. W. SCRIPPS owns ten TV stations and five cable channels;
GANNETT owns 21 TV stations (two in Jacksonville);
ADVANCE PUBLICATIONS owns numerous cable systems;
THE WASHINGTON POST COMPANY owns six TV stations and cable systems in nineteen states.
AND LEST WE FORGET:
Percent of Daily Circulation Belonging to Largest Newspaper Groups
Percent of Sunday Circulation Belonging to Largest Newspaper Groups
Posted
5:04 PM
by Gene
HOW CAN WE DELIVER A FLAME MAIL TO THESE CRETINOUS BANSHEE-SCREAMING UPPER-CLASS PARTISANS?
Posted
3:13 PM
by Gene
OR:
Broadcast Media Group
Eight Network-Affiliated TV Stations and Two Radio Stations
Who are we?
TV: Four CBS-, two NBC- and two ABC-affiliated stations....
WHAT'S GOOD FOR TIME WARNER IS GOOD FOR AMERICA!!!!!
Posted
1:12 PM
by Gene
Hope you con-SER-vatives are HAPPY!
Posted
10:25 AM
by Gene
An eight-year scheme to inflate circulation at the Chicago Sun-Times overstated sales of the newspaper by as many as 50,000 copies per day, its parent company reported Tuesday.
Does that $100 million include the ACCOUNTANTS?
Posted
9:33 AM
by Gene
Pffh-hh-hh!
OR:
Our financial obligations under the agreement are material, and consist of both fixed and incentive payments. These obligations are payable partly in cash and partly in shares of our common stock. [TRANSLATION: THEY'RE DOING WHAT SUMNER DID!!!!!]
We estimate that we will recoup our fixed obligations under the agreement when we acquire approximately 1,000,000 incremental subscribers. This estimate is based upon a number of significant assumptions (which we believe to be reasonable but which contain significant uncertainties), including the timing and costs of acquiring such subscribers and the length of time such individuals remain subscribers. [And assuming millions of adolescent deadbeats PAY UP.] In addition, if we achieve the incentive milestones contained in the agreement, we believe that the material positive effects on our business will far outweigh the related incentive payments. [Pray, brother-- PRAY!]
Our aggregate fixed obligations under the agreement are approximately $100 million per year. These costs include production and operating costs for the show, including compensation of show cast and staff, overhead, construction costs for a dedicated studio, a budget for the development of additional programming and marketing concepts, and payments to Stern and his agent. [TRANSLATION: They're spending ANNUALLY as much on ka-ka jokes and wee-wee jokes as on a FEATURE FILM!]
We are also obligated to make substantial stock-based incentive payments under the agreement if we significantly exceed agreed upon year-end subscriber targets during the term of the agreement, or acquire material amounts of subscribers during the term directly and trackably through Stern's efforts. [SUMNER SQUARED!!!!!] In addition, upon reaching an agreed upon number of subscribers, we will share a portion of the revenue we derive directly from advertising on the Stern channels [TRANSLATION: The freeloaders will pay up -- AND GET ADS! Big subscriber boost there!], and the revenue we derive from subscribers acquired during the term directly and trackably through Stern's efforts.
We believe that our agreement with Stern will have a material positive benefit to our business, including a positive impact on consumer awareness, average revenue per subscriber, churn [SEASICK ENOUGH?!?!?] and partner relations. Nevertheless, in the event we generate substantially fewer than 1,000,000 subscribers in excess of our current plans due to the addition of Stern to our programming line-up [!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!], the large fixed obligations under the agreement with Stern could have a material negative impact on our financial condition and results of operations.
OR:
WHO WANTS TO LAY ODDS ON A CHAPTER XI? (Then again, as P. R. MEL and P. R. MIKE proved, it does not pay to bet against a man with an ARMY REGIMENT of PUBLICISTS.)
P. S. STERNO and YAHWEH, WONKETTE and SEX, ANDY S. and GAY MARRIAGE, little and YASSIR -- WE NEED SOMEONE TO LIBERATE US FROM SUPERMEGABLOGGERS.
P. P. S. Did they mention ADVERTISING and MARKETING COSTS? DIDN'T THINK SO!
Posted
9:26 AM
by Gene
That's okay. It hasn't been country music in years.
Posted
8:22 AM
by Gene
I can think of a few reasons, ROMY -- the fact that NEWS HACKS have hated the military for going on forty years; the fact that bad news in Iraq elects a DEMOCRAT in the White House, and the harping on it becomes a form of press bias; the fact that the JERRRNALISSST works for The Wall Street Journals Liberal Edition and, like all scribblers for the CERTS of NEWS, is morally and politically suspect; the fact that -- you want me to go ON, ROMY?
Posted
8:19 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:52 AM
by Gene
Dick Cheney does his job taking care of Edwards, putting Kerry's record back on the table, and setting the president up for the next debate.
ABC noted that more Republicans watched the debate than Democrats, which mostly explains Cheney's victory in their poll (it was just a straight survey of registered voters who watched the debate). If you correct for that, they show it as a tie. The CBS poll included only uncommitted voters and was sharply favorable to Edwards.
In summary, then, it looks like Edwards won.
BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH....
Posted
6:08 PM
by Gene
UNBIASED REPOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRTERRRRRRRRRRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
5:58 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:27 PM
by Gene
The power and arrogance of publicists was no secret. Hollywood lampooned them mercilessly, invariably portraying them as unscrupulous, ruthless, alcoholic, and utterly indifferent to the desires of the lost souls consigned to their unctuous hands....But the contempt of their associates by no means diminished the press agents' hold on the public's credulity. They were abetted by entertainment editors who cheerfully accomodated them, sometimes appending a reporter's byline to a standard press release.
USA OKAY!!!!!, Mrs. Slut, the DONALD -- the more things change....
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:59 PM
by Gene
Driving interest in many of these fields is the perception that they will prove lucrative.
Oh they're lucrative, all right. Lucrative for colleges. Ka-CHINNNNNNNNNNG!
Posted
4:56 PM
by Gene
Posted
10:40 AM
by Gene
... I did wish you well from the bottom of my heart, the wisdom and the grace and the tolerance that are going to be so necessary to success because I very much have the feeling in the long sweep of history perhaps that your tenure is going to prove to be larger than simply something that has to do with diplomacy. There's a human and a psychological component here which has to be vindicated in a major way and I feel that very strongly and I wish you towering good luck.
...and WE LOVE YOU TOO -- for being ASSES.
Posted
10:22 AM
by Gene
E&P's online editor admits he doesn't read print newspapers
We suspect that virus is rapidly spreading.
Posted
6:26 AM
by Gene
When Dan Rather finally admitted that fake memos might have been used in his "60 Minutes Wednesday" report on President Bush's National Guard Service, political insiders immediately suspected the hand of Karl Rove.
Rove has vehemently denied the speculation. But, as the Atlantic Monthly's Joshua Green points out in the upcoming issue, Bush's political guru has earned quite a reputation for using dirty tricks in the heat of a campaign.
OR:
Joshua Green [was] an editor at The Washington Monthly and a former staff writer at The American Prospect.
Trying to shake off those rumors about your JOB, Lloyd?
Posted
6:19 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:40 PM
by Gene
Maybe if you folks GOT A LIFE you wouldn't worry about some superbillionzillionaire and start doing some good.
Posted
7:15 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:26 PM
by Gene
We would say "she's lost it" but we wouldn't have the slightest idea who we were talking about.
Posted
1:34 PM
by Gene
Hey buddy, I think you liberals could say that about yourselves.
P. S.
To protect against the Iraqi intelligence documents being altered or misrepresented elsewhere on the Internet, CNSNews.com has decided to publish only the first of the 42 pages in Arabic, along with the English translation. Portions of some of the other memos in translated form are also being published to accompany this report. Credentialed journalists and counter-terrorism experts seeking to view the 42 pages of Arabic documents or to challenge their authenticity may make arrangements to do so at CNSNews.com headquarters in Alexandria, Va.
I don't think VIACON NETWORK NEWS did THAT.
Posted
11:57 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:57 AM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: There may not be THAT many male airheads.
Posted
11:20 AM
by Gene
AT THE CORE OF THE RELENTLESS PARTISAN ASSAULT ON THE AMERICAN NEWS MEDIA'S TRADITION THAT GOOD JOURNALISM CAN AND SHOULD BE UNBIASED....
Yeah yeah, we know what you mean MERT. PARTISAN=CONSERVATIVE. You don't have to tell us. Anyway, you're mad, MERT, that THE WALL STREET JOURNALS LIBERAL EDITION'S star SLANT -- JERRRNALLIST outed her biases. You're mad that we now know she worked as a "translator" in IRAN. You're mad because you agreed with her, and now that conservatives are complaining it's somewhat more difficult for her to slan -- WORK; the LIBERAL EDITION'S EDITOR is telling her to KEEP HER BIASES QUIET UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION. In short, another six-digit goes WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH in the luxury day care news suite.
Posted
10:47 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:33 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:33 AM
by Gene
PINCH! PINCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
10:16 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:08 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:58 AM
by Gene
One thing's sure: they couldn't do their work during an ELECTION.
Posted
9:50 AM
by Gene
How did this line escape the eagle eye and vulture brain of OMERTA?
Posted
5:46 PM
by Gene
Neither, it appears, did CBS News (see the date in the URL).
Posted
5:40 PM
by Gene
If MSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. PELOSI didn't shake this campaign press agent's hand for a job well done, she should have. More to the point, it seems the Demwits don't want to capture ELVIS -- at any time (assuming he's alive, that is).
Posted
2:13 PM
by Gene
When all the political dust has cleared, do all those ads really make a difference?
Maybe not, says Larry J. Sabato, a University of Virginia political analyst, "but the campaigns are afraid to find out. Part of it is just keeping up with the Joneses."
Why can't somebody FIND OUT?
Posted
1:05 PM
by Gene
HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPBRAVO!!!!!!!!!! BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPHOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! BRAVO!!!!!!!!!! BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
A BIG FAT ZERO to The National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign for subjecting me to a Macromedia Flash ad I COULDN'T TURN OFF.
Posted
1:03 PM
by Gene
To update St. Edward of Murrow, television is merely glass, phosphors, chips and wires in a box.
Another prediction: after the standing O, DAN BLATHER CRIES.
P. S. This celebration is being cosponsored by the UNITY CONFERENCE, the fraud that cheered DIP, and laughed at and booed Dubya.
P. P. S.
Rather's refusal to discuss the National Guard story reflects a recent tight-lipped strategy at CBS News, which drew criticism for defending the Sept. 8 story for nearly two weeks and is hoping the controversy will fade. CBS recently hired Manhattan super-flack Howard Rubenstein to help with damage control. Rubenstein confirmed the hiring but declined to comment on his role.
Imagine if Johnson and Johnson had taken this tack with Tylenol. MORONS.
Posted
1:03 PM
by Gene
New research shows that more than 23 million people are still using peer-to-peer services, often to trade music and movies illegally. And worse yet — experts say the RIAA's scare tactics are beginning to be ignored.
Only three reasons for this: 1. CDs still cost too much; 2. Music files are easy to transfer; and 3. TODAY'S POP MUSIC AND MOVIES AREN'T WORTH PAYING FOR.
Posted
11:57 AM
by Gene
OR:
The pope has now beatified some 1,340 people, more than all his predecessors combined.
Are beatifications another form of British knighthoods?
Posted
10:47 AM
by Gene
We could say something given all the social engineering the NINE FINGERS have up their robes, but we'll pass for now.
Posted
10:40 AM
by Gene
THE PAPER OF RECORD devotes 2,407 WORDS to this staggering achievement. HOWELL NEVER LEFT.
Posted
10:30 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:32 AM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: Don Graham wants his LUXURY SUITE!
Posted
8:28 AM
by Gene
(I found this on Google News.)
Posted
8:20 AM
by Gene
Note the update time. Mr. Mark did some late night table pounding!
Unfortunately, even the God of the Newsrag cannot erase every shred of doubt:
• Howard Fineman: Beware Debate Spinners
(Fortunately, this is a WEB EXCLUSIVE.)
