THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Friday, May 13, 2011
We should know better than to post a picture like this, but we're thinking, instead of just a face and a figure, what if Cheryl were also a brilliantly talented chanteuse and actress and potential dancing partner for a Fred, with a soupçon of Garlandian wit to boot? And what if this weren't the MEGAPLATINUM AGE OF ENTERTAINMENT the Gang of 27 always says it is? What if George and Ira were busy pecking away at piano and typewriter writing masterworks for her like "He Loves and She Loves" and "They All Laughed"? Or Dick and Larry dedicating "My Romance" or "Falling in Love with Love" for her edification only? Or Schwartz and Dietz with "Dancing in the Dark"? Or Warren and Gordon with "You'll Never Know"? What if Arthur Freed or Pandro Berman or Darryl F. Zanuck were plotting spectaculars for her -- in TECHNICOLOR!? What if she fronted Harry James with "I Can't Begin to Tell You", or Glenn Miller with "I Know Why", or Benny Goodman with "Why Don't You Do Right?" Or Les Brown with "Sentimental Journey"! Alas, we know better -- she can't sing, and very likely she can't act, and most likely any attempt at comedy will be unintentional, and she exceptionally likely thinks LADY YOU-KNOW-WHO's a GENIUS, and she works for SLIME, which pretty well guarantees she's a pretty no-talent. Hey, but we can dream, can't we?
Better not.
P. S. Then again, if it takes endless practice just to be one of those adenoidal whiners on the Billboard 200 the Gershwins would be impossible.
We did not take as great umbrage at G000,000,000GLEBLOGGER's meltdown as others because eight years have taught us to be wary of its technology and disdainful of its nonexistent customer service, and what with JIM CRAMERS!!!!! afoot this probably won't hurt its still-inflated stock price, but now a lot of people who didn't know this combo in its early incompetent days know its incompetence anew, although a few may try to switch blogging providers, as if; nor will this hurt the imbecilic CLOUD COMPUTING daydream even though this was a worse takedown than Amazon.com's, and should have taught people for ALL TIME you CANNOT trust TECHNODWEEBS with your bytes. Indeed if this massive zap discourages a few people from blogging so much the better. It did show, however, how much at the mercy we are of BILLS and STEVES and LARRYS and others with their vast omnipotence, but the mouse for these elephants is it only takes one little piece of bad code to bring their inflated reps down.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Speaking of ST. WARREN He's plastered ugly red and yellow signs on some buildings for a weird reason; He has also plastered this odd message on buses. We presume He means the six horses and wagon He's illustrated; with all manner of fees (not to mention all manner of excuses blaming a corrupt Senator and a dense Congressman) we don't doubt He means it.
One little problem though: One of the buildings He acquired used to house a local bank, and with the name change placards disguising its original identity came down, and today there it is: KENSINGTON TRUST COMPANY, which painfully reminds us every time we pass it that once banks were more than fee collection agencies.
(Intended for post on date shown; predated due to G000,000,000GLEBLOGGER meltdown. Corrected 5/17; I thought it was inscribed "FRANKFORD".)
Ever since RONALD REAGAN DESERVED TO DIE or whatever and given its FATHER is the most insufferably glib and snarky pundit of all time we've held GRATE.COM on a short leash. That leash got a little shorter today. Somebody has a very fine and nuanced mind to be able to censor a four-letter word on the home page and allow it in the link. At best it's blazing incompetence; at worst it's abject stupidity.
As for the ad -- story it reminded me that I take most hacks personally because their intention is personal: to try to force me to think in a way that will IMPROVE THE WORLD, or else to try to sell me five hundred of something so they can impress future bosses -- in short, to engage me in the verbal equivalent of a mugging. Such hacks have vast contempt for their readers, and GRATE.COM has had to employ more than its share, and worse, unleash them elsewhere.
(Intended for post on date shown; predated due to G000,000,000GLEBLOGGER meltdown)
As for the ad -- story it reminded me that I take most hacks personally because their intention is personal: to try to force me to think in a way that will IMPROVE THE WORLD, or else to try to sell me five hundred of something so they can impress future bosses -- in short, to engage me in the verbal equivalent of a mugging. Such hacks have vast contempt for their readers, and GRATE.COM has had to employ more than its share, and worse, unleash them elsewhere.
(Intended for post on date shown; predated due to G000,000,000GLEBLOGGER meltdown)
Yeah yeah yeah Rich, have business and the hyperwealthy pay no taxes, end all regulations and ban all unions and we'll be just like Singapore. Did it ever occur to you, RICH, that maybe our problems are more...fundamental?
And what sort of example can you set when Little Malcolm and his family lost so much of their wealth and your current boss BONO is burning it up on a masterpiece?
And what sort of example can you set when Little Malcolm and his family lost so much of their wealth and your current boss BONO is burning it up on a masterpiece?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Voice of Bart Simpson, suburban atheist debate Scientology in classroom
This was a debate? They both represent cults.
This was a debate? They both represent cults.
"Maria and Arnold, April 25, 1986, Chowderheads."
Their wedding was a miracle in an age full of miracles, of enduring tunesmiths and profound pastors and epochal statesmen. Nothing could mark it more completely as of its exceptional age than an immortal fount of wisdom reading a poem. Today, the tunesmiths are forgotten, the pastor's once wife is dead, his church is defunct, its headquarters a hollow shell, the statesman long ago retired for $200K speeches, the fount is retiring, and this royal marriage is in tatters. Time's passage has mercilessly mocked the age's foolishness. We do not feel sorry for Maria and Arnold because the former is eligible for a third act and the latter is on his way to a sixth, but we can't reflect on this now without the profound agony that we -- and possibly they -- lived a life that was thoroughly wasted, in several senses.
(Via NRO)
P. S. at 7:55 p. m. Among the hundreds of videos posted by a YouTube member named CincinnatiGifts are dozens of Heritage USA just after the Bakkers' downfall and more recent ones of the veritable ghost town now run by MorningStar Ministries. We've seen only three but can confidently say they are astounding electronic archeology and among the more depressing things on YouTube. In the mid-2000s when the property's future was still unclear pictures of the totally forsaken buildings held a morbid fascination for us; in scanning it today with Google Earth the huge abandoned parking lot near the unfinished time-share is still riveting. (Earlier images showed abandoned baseball or softball lots nearby, long replaced by tract housing.) Last we heard the surrounding town of Fort Mill was in a fight with MorningStar to get that ghetto tower demolished. We could go on but simply put what happened at Heritage was a catastrophe, and ultimately a signal reminder of the fleetingness of life, and of would-be heroes.
Their wedding was a miracle in an age full of miracles, of enduring tunesmiths and profound pastors and epochal statesmen. Nothing could mark it more completely as of its exceptional age than an immortal fount of wisdom reading a poem. Today, the tunesmiths are forgotten, the pastor's once wife is dead, his church is defunct, its headquarters a hollow shell, the statesman long ago retired for $200K speeches, the fount is retiring, and this royal marriage is in tatters. Time's passage has mercilessly mocked the age's foolishness. We do not feel sorry for Maria and Arnold because the former is eligible for a third act and the latter is on his way to a sixth, but we can't reflect on this now without the profound agony that we -- and possibly they -- lived a life that was thoroughly wasted, in several senses.
(Via NRO)
P. S. at 7:55 p. m. Among the hundreds of videos posted by a YouTube member named CincinnatiGifts are dozens of Heritage USA just after the Bakkers' downfall and more recent ones of the veritable ghost town now run by MorningStar Ministries. We've seen only three but can confidently say they are astounding electronic archeology and among the more depressing things on YouTube. In the mid-2000s when the property's future was still unclear pictures of the totally forsaken buildings held a morbid fascination for us; in scanning it today with Google Earth the huge abandoned parking lot near the unfinished time-share is still riveting. (Earlier images showed abandoned baseball or softball lots nearby, long replaced by tract housing.) Last we heard the surrounding town of Fort Mill was in a fight with MorningStar to get that ghetto tower demolished. We could go on but simply put what happened at Heritage was a catastrophe, and ultimately a signal reminder of the fleetingness of life, and of would-be heroes.
Here was the third most powerful figure in American politics, behind only the president and vice president, for several years. Surely he helped shepherd historic legislation into law? Accomplished something vaguely statesmanlike? Actually, no. OK, there was the Contract with America. Its major provisions did pass the House as Gingrich promised they would in 1994, but few of them became law. Two Cato Institute scholars have even calculated that by 2000 the combined budgets of the 95 federal programs the Contract sought to eliminate had actually increased by 13 percent.
DENNIS THE MENACE FOR PRESIDENT! PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!
DENNIS THE MENACE FOR PRESIDENT! PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!
Here is an A1 example of why show-biz stinks. We've quoted GEN. "Titanic" Sarnoff's line about plumbing before -- more than once is too much -- but these clowns engage in endless how-many-angels-can-fit-on-the-head-of-a-pin pinhead debates over the plumbing and virtually none on the raw sewage that flows through it.
Read this column and you'll SEE why stocks will triple in the next two weeks!
Speaking of CONSERVATIVES, I'm waiting for one of them to issue another grand defense of insider trading.
Far from being so injurious to the economy that its practice must be criminalized, insiders buying and selling stocks based on their knowledge play a critical role in keeping asset prices honest—in keeping prices from lying to the public about corporate realities!!!!! [Honest overemphasis added]
Whoops! A CONSERVATIVE already did it. (Via something called Conservative Compendium)
Far from being so injurious to the economy that its practice must be criminalized, insiders buying and selling stocks based on their knowledge play a critical role in keeping asset prices honest—in keeping prices from lying to the public about corporate realities!!!!! [Honest overemphasis added]
Whoops! A CONSERVATIVE already did it. (Via something called Conservative Compendium)
Which is more annoying: NEWSER!!!!! making fun of CONSERVATIVES for mocking a RAPPING genius, or Jo-NAH! again gloating over his BELOVED Star Wars?
Pick 'em.
Pick 'em.
Breaking News: March trade deficit widens to $48.18 billion, largest deficit since June 2010 [Reuters home-page hed]
Gosh, CASINO, write another fairy-tale ending!
Gosh, CASINO, write another fairy-tale ending!
It may not be as easy to make money with the HYER LURNING scam as it once was: A few insteetoots are dropping plans to "build" law skools.
Here's an update on Shakespeare: "First thing we do, let's kill all the law professors!"
Here's an update on Shakespeare: "First thing we do, let's kill all the law professors!"
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
BAZ may not be sure about 3D, but he spent lots of money (TMZ must tease us) to make pretty doggone sure his Jay Gatsby tools around in 1929 automobiles!
Fun Fact: 'The Great Gatsby' takes place during the summer of 1922 ... so, technically, these cars weren't even on the roads yet ... but they're still cool.
COOLER:
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO TMZ STAFF!
Fun Fact: 'The Great Gatsby' takes place during the summer of 1922 ... so, technically, these cars weren't even on the roads yet ... but they're still cool.
COOLER:
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO TMZ STAFF!
FIG LEAF OF THE DAY: JIM PUZZ' new friend to the likely contrary, as even the ZUCK admits one cannot police minors en masse on the Web. We wonder why using Facebook is that great a menace, cyberbullying to the contrary. The kids are comfortable (a bit too comfortable, we say) with the technology. Is it worth creating artificial limits that won't work? Better to root out the immoral and illegal behaviors, to the extent that can be done.
OoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooh....
The European Union has placed sanctions on 13 Syrian officials, including President Bashar al-Assad's brother and a wealthy and influential cousin, as the government continued its violent crackdown on protests and reportedly sent tanks into towns near the flashpoint city of Deraa.
The package of sanctions, announced on Tuesday, is aimed at pressuring Assad to halt violence against anti-government demonstrations that broke out in March.
PUNISHMENT!
The European Union has placed sanctions on 13 Syrian officials, including President Bashar al-Assad's brother and a wealthy and influential cousin, as the government continued its violent crackdown on protests and reportedly sent tanks into towns near the flashpoint city of Deraa.
The package of sanctions, announced on Tuesday, is aimed at pressuring Assad to halt violence against anti-government demonstrations that broke out in March.
PUNISHMENT!
The Paper of Re-CORD confesses of a parody:
Now, clever as it was, this week’s spoof will not do any damage to the reputation of liberals/progressives as being a little short in the humor leg.
That's putting it mildly.
(Via the usual Romy)
Now, clever as it was, this week’s spoof will not do any damage to the reputation of liberals/progressives as being a little short in the humor leg.
That's putting it mildly.
(Via the usual Romy)
"I'm not voting. We've not seen any benefits since the last few elections. The streets in my area are very bad and haven't been fixed. These people are just for show. All they do is fight in their meetings," government employee Ahmed Muftah, 38, said.
Salim Ali, 40, also a government employee, said: "It's always the same. Lots of talk but no results, nothing happens."
TRANSLATION: Just like America, only CATARRH is honest enough to have a royal family and a rubber-stamp legislature.
Salim Ali, 40, also a government employee, said: "It's always the same. Lots of talk but no results, nothing happens."
TRANSLATION: Just like America, only CATARRH is honest enough to have a royal family and a rubber-stamp legislature.
In our "He May Be an SOB But He's OUR SOB" Department...
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO JIM PUZZ!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO JIM PUZZ!
Monday, May 09, 2011
Great men with something in common:
Werth, unquestionably, has started slowly. He’s hitting .227 with a .324 on-base percentage, a .387 slugging percentage and four home runs. He realizes now that he altered his approach as a hitter, pressing to carry the Nationals rather than emphasizing what made him one of the National League’s 10 most valuable players the past two seasons.
In April, he noticed what had happened to Carl Crawford, who signed a seven-year, $142 million contract to play for the Boston Red Sox. He went 15 for 97 in April and the Red Sox moved him to eighth in their lineup. In Crawford, Werth saw himself.
As well he might.
Werth, unquestionably, has started slowly. He’s hitting .227 with a .324 on-base percentage, a .387 slugging percentage and four home runs. He realizes now that he altered his approach as a hitter, pressing to carry the Nationals rather than emphasizing what made him one of the National League’s 10 most valuable players the past two seasons.
In April, he noticed what had happened to Carl Crawford, who signed a seven-year, $142 million contract to play for the Boston Red Sox. He went 15 for 97 in April and the Red Sox moved him to eighth in their lineup. In Crawford, Werth saw himself.
As well he might.
And speaking of Noam Chomsky, we announce with a deep sense of mourning, for the republic and for academia, a depthless tragedy: Northwestern University is canceling its sex-toy course.
Liberty grieves!
Liberty grieves!
Chris, would you not agree it's overkill to call Noam Chomsky "stupid and ignorant" when all he has to do is open his mouth?
Okay folks, who does this remind you of? The prime minister of a second-rate European nation? Some high-ranking hazy lazy bureaucrat in the League of Nations? Or maybe the president of Belarus? No, no and no: this is only the fifth or sixth most important man in the universe, and possibly ranking ahead of OUR president -- he's PhEEEELEEPE DoughMAHHHHHHHHN, the head of that eternal advertiser crush, SUMNER'S VIACON DIVISION! Of course he's less powerful than SUMNER Himself, as this guy will learn when he's fired. Remember those antioxidants!
If only we had connections, and Photoshop, and the wizardry to use Photoshop, we could devote a whole Web site to a Borat-like fake history of the man -- and we'd wager if someone did that right it could fool some underling of ED MURROW or ERIC SEVAREID. Wouldn't it be just and wouldn't it be just delicious to have Them fall for a hoax!
RENDELLISTS insist we can have prosperity with EDS 'n' MEDS, convention centers, gamb -- GAMING and show-biz. This is wrecking our economy. We MUST have manufacturing. I wish I could be as optimistic as Joel is here but you have to wonder how much of our prosperity owes the Caterpillar helping the Chinese build and to GM's supposed comeback. And it only seems to be happening in areas already predisposed to manufacturing. Anyone wanna build big plants in Philadelphia? In any case the WALL STREET CASINO has the upper hand and with its lunatical stock prices the time will come when it scuppers manufacturing's boat along with everyone else's -- and you can bet it will get torpedoed FIRST.
“Eventually the party is going to end and fiscal austerity is going to set in. The question is when.”
Who needs fiscal austerity with THE WALL STREET CASINO?
Who needs fiscal austerity with THE WALL STREET CASINO?
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Two anonymouses on an upcoming masterpiece:
God, please let this movie flop. I'm tired of studios sequelizing, rebooting or remaking the same old junk. 'Pirates of the C' had its time. Let's move on. It's not as if the last 3 movies were all that good.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I agree. How many sequels can you make of something? But then again, consider the audience.
God, please let this movie flop. I'm tired of studios sequelizing, rebooting or remaking the same old junk. 'Pirates of the C' had its time. Let's move on. It's not as if the last 3 movies were all that good.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I agree. How many sequels can you make of something? But then again, consider the audience.
Excellent: We kill Osama and the Pakistanis disclose the identity of our chief CIA man there. And still we'll give them OUR money?
(Via Commentarymagazine.com)
(Via Commentarymagazine.com)
Thanks to the soon-to-be-world-leading MAIL (Oi vey!) we've known who this SHE is for some time -- she's very pretty and can't sing without Auto-Tune. Oh well, no one can these days, so join the American club.
THIS GUY SEZ:
Hey, America, Would It Kill You to Go to the Movies?
Yes -- if it helps YOU!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO JOAL [SIC] !
The author of Can't Think Straight inflicts DVFORBESLISTBLOG readers with ten new LISTS, meaning ten new holes in the head for DVFORBESLISTBLOG readers, and as befitting her opus maximus she uses a deceptive hed to insist all those new forgettable modeling faces she's created ten new lists for will earn billions. DVFORBESLISTBLOG lists may fail the smell test but they pass the LAUGH TEST with flying colors.
The bad news: Corporate America still wants to finance Hollywood schmoozing.
The good news (if it is): It's not financing QUITE so much of it.
CAVEAT: Brian "HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD!" Steinberg.
The good news (if it is): It's not financing QUITE so much of it.
CAVEAT: Brian "HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD!" Steinberg.
Classy acts like these are one reason why I've pretty much stopped following professional sports. That they're the icing on a blowout cake makes them worse.
The audience -- and advertising -- NewsMAX!!!!! deserves:
In March, 42.5 percent of the Newsmax.com web traffic, by far the largest chunk, came from readers who were 65 or older, according to Nielsen.
The magazine itself is a mix of news reporting, columns and lifestyle featuresinterspersed [SIC] with many ads for gold, silver and pills that claim to reverse aging....
....[T]he magazine is filled with a sense of speaking for “flyover country,” as one writer put it.
Hey CHRIS, the more you endorse THE DONALD the more we want to FLY OVER it.
In March, 42.5 percent of the Newsmax.com web traffic, by far the largest chunk, came from readers who were 65 or older, according to Nielsen.
The magazine itself is a mix of news reporting, columns and lifestyle featuresinterspersed [SIC] with many ads for gold, silver and pills that claim to reverse aging....
....[T]he magazine is filled with a sense of speaking for “flyover country,” as one writer put it.
Hey CHRIS, the more you endorse THE DONALD the more we want to FLY OVER it.