Posted 6:54 PM by Gene

On second thought Armstrong carried his KA-CHING!!!!! a little too far.

Even HE admits it.

Posted 3:29 PM by Gene

The other day His Royal Excellency Lord Koppel of ESPNDOM (or was it a guest host? Or was it "ESPN SPORTS"?) devoted a half-hour of navel staring to why NFL players "leave early." And the first thing through my mind in reading this is that the Lord is as usual dispensing bunk. Yes, some players leave early, either because they've been beat up too badly or because they can't perform -- but I'd bet for all this blather about Jim "The Ac-TOR" Brown (who shouldn't count because he went on to a long career making bad movies and women) and Ricky DUHHHHHHHHHHH (who left to devote himself to his favorite hobby, getting stoned) many players manage to tough it out. Why shouldn't they with the money and transient fame? That they make more in three seasons than most will make in four lifetimes is reason enough. Please guys, don't give me the malarkey about burnout. You make too much money from the sport yourselves.

And you make too much money, LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNDOM -- PERIOD.

Posted 11:24 AM by Gene

ANDY S. and MICKEY have declared TUCKER INNOCENT. Perhaps it was too easy too come down on him after the EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY thundered from his GREAT FANNY -- er, SEAT OF WISDOM. Perhaps Jonathan is another classless TWXSTER (this is NEWS?). Perhaps Tucker is a good intelligent guy; it's usually hard to judge with TELEVISION. Problem is, he's a PUNDIT, and the first thing people assume of pundits is that they make BIG BUCKS SAYING THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO THEIR HEADS -- and CROSSFIRE was the worst example of it. So maybe Tucker was innocent, and we shouldn't have tarred-and-feathered him en masse. But SOMEBODY SURE AS HADES WAS GUILTY.

Posted 11:19 AM by Gene

A good old Italian immigrant who sold shoes in Boston has decided to close his store after nearly 50 years, and he explains why:

"There were shops on every corner," he said. "Now, it's just restaurants, restaurants."

As EDDIE RENDELL could have told him, any BOOMING city don't need RETAILERS -- certainly not plain unpretentious SHOE SHOPS, NO, it needs RESTAURANTS, UPSCALE RESTAURANTS, and LOTS OF YUPPIES TO FREQUENT THE RESTAURANTS, and all so we can finance HIGH-TECH JOBS LIKE MAIDS AND JANITORS AND DISHWASHERS AND...never mind.

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

I'm thinking, maybe PINCH has the right idea in turning PAPEROFRECORD.com into a PAY SITE -- if it will keep us away from the verbal equivalent of banging on the piano -- like THIS.

The press always likes to belch that it tells us what we don't know. Too often it merely tells us what we already know -- OR WHAT WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

Posted 8:34 AM by Gene

Keeping in mind that "CRISIS" is one of the news hack's favorite overused words along with EDGY, we can sure hope for one in the NFL. With its shakedowns and its cynical attitude toward the fans and as an automatic depository for too much advertiser money it deserves it. The NHL reminds us that no sport is immortal; one would like to think its woes are slowly making the public realize if it can do with one overpriced professional sport it may be able to do without more of them.

Posted 8:16 AM by Gene

JUDITH REGAN, whom Viacon Network News celebrated in a combination press release and bowel movement as A PROUD PUBLISHER OF TRIPLE-X, may be forced to disclose a little PERSONAL PORN in COURT about the GROUND ZERO SEX MACHINE, which means RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gets to TURN THE OTHER WAY AGAIN.

Posted 8:07 AM by Gene

Staples was caught doing a PC thing.

Whatever the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers doesn't (or can't) think there is nothing wrong with having standards. Certainly there's nothing wrong with bypassing programs that truck with controversy. The problem is it's ASWIA policy to be Robin Hood, taking OUR money and using it for ANY purpose, and inevitably someone will COMPLAIN, and when someone COMPLAINS a sponsor is forced to use judgment AFTER THE FACT, which almost always looks BAD; and when the complaint smacks of sanctimony and political censorship it looks VERY bad. To repeat, corporate America could avoid such problems by using GOOD JUDGMENT, but good judgment is SPECIFICALLY PROHIBITED in most CORPORATE MISSION STATEMENTS and PROCEDURES MANUALS.

Who will be the NEXT Staples?

Posted 8:04 AM by Gene

President Bush yesterday appointed a commission to think of ways to simplify the federal tax code, giving it until July 31 to report its ideas.

And how many commissions is that?

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

PINCH, if you REALLY want to turn the Web over to "PSEUDO-NEWS," to "partisanship, gossip, propaganda, vaudeville masquerading as news," and force people to read only a handful of Web sites, and maybe cause the Internet as an information source to shrivel up, by all means, charge for yours -- and CHARGE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. (Though we must admit you folks have done pretty well on the partisanship and propaganda angles -- and JAYSON and HOWELL could have starred in VAUDEVILLE.)

I would further remind you of what happened to the British paper that shares your name when it tried subscriptions internationally. To use show-biz terminology, it laid an egg.

And a big SHUT-UP to you, Gordon Crovitz. If you're so gung-ho about subscriptions why did Dow Jones buy Marketwatch? To waste more of your shareholders' capital?

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

OH oh, ELIOT "NESS" SPITZER TAKES ON -- ST. WARREN!

May the more holier-than-thou man win!

Posted 5:32 PM by Gene

Thanks, LITTLE-GUY HUGH, but we'll just call these folks strange.

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

Chief Nine Fingers, we do admire personal courage and "sticktoitiveness," but perhaps the time has come to retire. You have terminal cancer, and you serve neither your reputation nor the body politic any good by playing hide-and-seek with the public.

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

Coke introduces Pepsi -- AGAIN!

Guys, if we're going to drink Pepsi, we'll stick with THE REAL THING.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

I'm all for doing to CEOs what my NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY does to NEWS HACKS. Why don't we start with YOUR soon-to-be-former CEO? He's made gazillions of speeches -- and he "wrote" a "BOOK."

Agreed?

Posted 1:50 PM by Gene

He's the man the people choose,
Loves the Irish and the, um, er, uhhhhh...
DRUZE....

Posted 1:40 PM by Gene

Another thing to sell to the Chinese: our oil-and-gas biz.

Today, Wal-Mart, tomorrow, THE WORLD.

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

With luck, Chris, if you use all the right adjectives of praise and kiss up to the right people, you too will receive the NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD!

Posted 11:50 AM by Gene

Maybe they were just taking the day off (although the weather wasn't that nice), and 69 Republicans didn't bother, but let us not forget the 80 House Democrats and their eight Senate pals who DID NOT VOTE ON THE NOBLE DEMAND OF BABS BOXER.

And let us not forget either BABS WAS THE ONLY VOTE FOR IN THE SENILE -- er, SENIOR PARLOR.

How humiliating: EVEN FATSO GLUB-GLUB KENNEDY WAS AGAINST IT.

SO WAS MS. RODHAM!!!!!

Posted 11:39 AM by Gene

I swear whenever Marketwatch heds, say, "Stocks in retreat" they go higher.

When Dow Jones turns the site into a fully-automated headline service (with no Wall Street Journals content) they're sure to improve on that.

Posted 11:28 AM by Gene

Which came after:

Newspapers shouldn't have to run photos of the dead, but...

EH, go ahead. You're ghouls.

And "B" WORDS.

Posted 11:25 AM by Gene

ROMY AGAIN:

Some editors just can't get themselves to use the "b" word

Hey, I can get myself to use the "b" word about NEWS HACKS -- the same "b" word the hacks wouldn't use when ODB DIED.

Posted 11:17 AM by Gene

NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH: We haven't even played the wild-card round and ALREADY the SOBs in ARLINGTON have to SELLTHEADSSELLTHEADSSELLTHEADS.

ANY PAPER THAT EMPLOYS DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSMEN AND AD-AGENCY VICE-PRESIDENTS AS REPORTERS IS WORTHY OF THE PROFOUNDEST CONTEMPT.

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

Conservative loudmouths should not stuff their already bulging pockets with government largesse. But when USAOKAY!!!!! SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT GEORGE MILLER complains we know INSTINCTIVELY if Armstrong Williams were a LIBERAL it would be perfectly LEGAL and ETHICAL -- and THE PAPER OF RE-CORD LITE wouldn't mention it.

Posted 8:48 AM by Gene

Bushies scolded again for distributing phony news reports

Join the crowd!

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

Memo to critics: Thou shalt not groupthink

Thou shalt groupthink; thou shalt rave unto the skies; thou shalt lift the director of TAXI DRI -- the GENIUS ST. MARTIN into the heavens; thou shalt be amply rewarded for your holy noise; all shall look upon your blurbs in the papers as holiness; thou art GODS.

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

Babs Boxer says FATSO MIKE had "nothing to do" with her making an ass of herself.

See you at Mickey D's! And order double! Large size!

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

Raising the gavel with a grin, Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter...

...accepted the cheers of reporters beaming back, all wishing again that EVERY REPUBLICAN could be like Arlen.

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

Oh. IDIOT LOONY-LEFT DEMOCRATS attempt their umpteen-gazillionth challenge of the presidential election, and some convenient "Democratic leaders" coincidentally tell CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES they've "distanced themselves from the effort, which many in the party worried would make them look like sore losers."

WELL WHY DID YOU SORE LOSERS LAUNCH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

LITTLE thinks he has "a very good suggestion" -- from LITTLE-GUY HUGH:

Memo to CBS:

Release a draft of the Rathergate report to a half-dozen bloggers for pre-publication comment (on the condition that they not comment on the report until it is released. The right list will produce honorable people who will abide by the embargo.) [Punctuation SIC]

Who'd be the FIRST to leak it to WALTER "SPYWARE" WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Posted 4:53 PM by Gene

More Broadway EX-CELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-SIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR:

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves: Under the Bridge, a New Musical Written by Kathie Lee Gifford, Opens Jan. 6 in NYC

...at THE ZIPPER THEATRE!!!!!

Does that not speak volumes or WHAT?

"I'm sure we'll be doing all kinds of freshening and touch ups as we go along," Gifford told Playbill prior to the start of previews.

Are you referring to the show or to you?

"This is a new experience for me. So far it hasn't been the mind-boggling experience I thought it was going to be...."

Mind-numbing, possibly.

Posted 3:16 PM by Gene

The next time STERNO props his feet on his expensive SI-financed desk and eructates how wonderful it is that (to give a for-instance) people can say 500 F words a minute, we should keep in mind living by THE STERNO PRINCIPLE has a HEAVY COST.

Posted 3:10 PM by Gene

THIS is a GREAT story:

Rubber-necking drivers staring at TV crews who were stationed at a spot designated by the Illinois Department of Transportation nearly doubled the Wednesday morning inbound rush-hour drive time on the Dan Ryan Expressway, one professional observer said.

The delay--it was a 50-minute drive from 95th Street to downtown at 6:30 a.m.--was caused by drivers who slowed or even stopped to look at five TV news crews, said Bart Shore, WBBM-AM's morning traffic reporter.

"The Dan Ryan was a mess," he said.

The TV crews were reporting live on traffic that probably would have been moving at a normal or even quicker pace had the crews not been there, Shore said. "Every one of them had a live truck there from 5 a.m. to 7 a.m.," he said.

The DO's DO it again!

(Better yet: one of the DO'S was OURS!!!!!)

Posted 1:03 PM by Gene

ROMY'S HIT ON A MOTHER LODE: He's found a writer who wants A PAULINE KAEL FOR VIDEO GAMES!!!!!!!!!!

Or better still --

"I mean look, face it, both reader and writer know that almost all of what's gonna pass from the latter to the former is justa buncha jizjaz anyway, so why not just give up the ghost of pretense to form and subject and just make these rags ramble fit to the trolley you prob'ly read 'em on…you may say that I take liberties, and you are right, but I will have done my good deed for the day if I can make you see that the whole point is YOU SHOULD BE TAKING LIBERTIES TOO."

A LESTER BANGS!!!!!!!!!!

BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Remember the name -- DAVID THOMAS!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 11:25 AM by Gene

In other low-tech news, BUGGY BILL's entering the VIRUS-REMOVAL BIZ.

PFFH-HH-HH!!!!!

Posted 10:59 AM by Gene

We may think two things about this combination press release and bowel movement: 1. VIACON wants in; and 2.

WHERE'S THE REPORT?????

Posted 10:53 AM by Gene

If BUGMEISTER BILL can do for BIG MEDIA what's he's done for SOFTWARE...

GO FOR IT!!!!!

And as PROOF (and Little Malcolm being a GOOD LITTLE BOY he puts this off to THE LAST GRAF):

Perhaps the defining moment of the night, however, came when Gates and [Conan] O'Brien showed how digital cameras using new Microsoft technology can send pictures directly to a PC via a wireless Wi-Fi connection. O'Brien took a few pictures of Gates, thumbnails of which immediately appeared on a nearby screen. Unfortunately, technical difficulties--though not with the camera itself--held up the demonstration. "Nine people are being fired right now," O'Brien cracked.

You're not kidding.

Posted 10:37 AM by Gene

FAST-ACTIN' BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM get around to Artie Shaw -- a week after his death. They'd have been on top of it if he'd been some sort of country rocker. Why do I think whenever SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS write this way they're slumming, like George "MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS" Will voiding his execrable pop-culture columns? Oh well, at least these guys admit to their ignorance, and their hearts are in the right place.

I MUST STOP CONCENTRATING ON OTHERS' BLOGS AND SIMPLY DO MY OWN.

P. S. I've been listening to Sony BMG's absurdly overpriced and underpackaged five-disc anthology, and the music's good -- it's very, very good -- but be prepared for a little pretension. Oh well, with that licorice stick he was entitled to his licks.

Posted 10:12 AM by Gene

I wouldn't worry about Sid Blumenthal either. There'll ALWAYS be a MEGAPHONE for HIS BIG FAT MOUTH.

Posted 10:11 AM by Gene

I wouldn't worry. She'll be in jail for years to come, even assuming the appeal stands.

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

HOOOOOOOOOOOOWEE!!!!! Am I excited! I'm ALL SET for TWENTY-MINUTE DIGITAL RADIO COMMERCIAL BREAKS!!!!! They SHOR is gonna compete with them SATELLITE BOXES!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYOU!!!!!

Posted 6:36 AM by Gene

Anything you can do I can do better....

FRESH squabbles broke out yesterday between the rival camps surrounding Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, even as the rest of Britain fell silent for victims of the Asian tsunami.

The Prime Minister and the Chancellor were accused of seeking to outbid each other with ever more extravagant promises of aid and international development.

There must be A THOUSAND STORIES like this.

Posted 6:34 AM by Gene

Shoplifting? Go eBay!!!!!

Why? Because ALL PEOPLE ARE BASICALLY GOOD -- TARGETS.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

Saudi Arabia's ruling royal family, stung by criticism of the kingdom's relatively low aid commitments to tsunami-stricken nations, has ordered a telethon on state-controlled television today to raise money for the victims.

WHORVIS COMMUNICATIONS calls the shots AGAIN!

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

Louis Michel, the European Union commissioner for development and humanitarian aid, urged donors not to engage in one-upmanship. "We have to be careful and not participate in a beauty contest where we are competing to give higher figures," he said.

But U.N. humanitarian-relief chief Jan Egeland, who riled Washington by complaining that wealthy nations were often "stingy," said: "I'd rather see competitive compassion than no compassion."

And the LEAGUE OF NATIONS is determined to win THIS beauty contest -- with the ugliest face in the world.

Posted 6:18 AM by Gene

Strange that the same big business that goes out of its way to be PC, this confederation of eightysomethings in the baggy pants and the short skirts, would go out of its way to lobby for conservative judicial appointments.

Eventually they're going to have to decide what they stand for, which traditionally has been nothing but dollar signs.

Posted 5:44 PM by Gene

Things coming thick and fast at Romy this afternoon: Dubya's hired Wall Street Journals CONSERVATIVE EDITION hack William McGurn as his chief ventriloquist -- er, speech writer.

Stoooooo-PID! Now the JOURNALS LIBERAL EDITION will really be on him!

Hey dearly departed AL HUNT! You had lots of potential speech writers for HILLARY! Think you could help them SEND OUT SOME RESUMES?

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

CNN Lets 'Crossfire' Host Carlson Go

Pffh-hh-hh hh hh hh hh hh ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

THE EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM! (Counting his sense of humor.)

P. S. BETTER NEWS!!!!!!!!!:

CNN said goodbye to pundit Tucker Carlson on Wednesday, and with him likely the "Crossfire" program that has been the granddaddy of high-volume political debate shows on cable television.

CNN will probably fold "Crossfire" into its other programming....

THE EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY CLAIMS TWO VICTIMS WITH ONE GAWDAWFUL INTERVIEW!!!!!

P. P. S. No doubt Jonathan called it a day as the ACTION has moved to WEB -- with SCINTILLATING ACTS like NICK COLEMAN AND THE RASPBERRIES!!!!!

P. P. P. S.

"Out of respect for him and his talent..."

You let him go. Agreed; he is talented that way.

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

Josh Lucas Is Gentleman Caller in Broadway Menagerie

Any relation to George? Does that mean THE FORCE® is back? Does Laura have JOHN WILLIAMS in her record collection? Does her menagerie have STAR WARS® ACTION FIGURES?

This WILL happen when Broadway is FULL to the GILLS with FAMOUS AC-TORS.

Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

There is an irony to the tragedy of Ashlee: when TV coverage of professional college football began getting slick the board bangers couldn't wait to cut away from the marching bands so ex-jock "analysts" could regale their audiences with "Ya gotta give that guy an awful lot of credit." Yet for some reason they allow halftime shows at these three-hour promotional tie-ins, mostly produced by the go-gettin' Babbitts who rustle up all the SPONSORS and otherwise don't know a touchdown from a sack, or anything else. The Orange Bowl has long had a notorious halftime show, with peppy lipsynchers and so much equipment it's a wonder they don't give a few souvenirs to the players in torn knees and broken bones. That Ashlee, um, MURDERED the crowd means the Babbitts will be convinced it's just the publicity, and they'll concoct a terror for next year even worse than this one.

The only good thing is relatively few people saw it, and fewer still will see its successor.

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

The Supremest of the Nine Fingers comes from out of the shadows to say, "I will administer the oath of office."

Then it's back into the shadows of the leading court in THE WORLD'S GREATEST DEMOCRACY.

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

If Bill Saletan can do for science what he's done for POLITICS...

Never mind. We have enough problems as it is.

Posted 3:29 PM by Gene

NEWS HACKS and BLOGGERS agreed -- we should dump BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS on the TSUNAMI VICTIMS. Now KOFI worries about -- CORRUPTION -- and HE OUGHT TO KNOW.

IS MORE MONEY COMING IN THAN THEY NEED? If so, THANKS AGAIN, NEWS HACKS -- and BLOGGERS TOO!

Posted 3:11 PM by Gene

If blogging is going to be just an exercise in HE-SAID-SHE-SAID, WHAT'S THE POINT OF IT?

HE SAID!! SHE SAID!!

(Not impugning your manhood, Corey -- just a figure of speech.)

Posted 3:04 PM by Gene

So much for "controversy": the alleged "championship" of professional college football may be the lowest rated ever.

People still hitch their wagons to the TV star not realizing it's FALLING.

Posted 2:55 PM by Gene

THE BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM flung another 1,519 WORDS at NASTY NICK. By rights NASTY NICK should fling back a couple of columns, plus some footnotes for good measure.

Proving ONCE AGAIN BLOGGING, COLUMNING and WHINING are ABOUT THE SAME.

Posted 1:08 PM by Gene

THE SOVEREIGN NATION OF WAL-MART has a SUMMIT with THE SOVEREIGN NATION OF THE PAPER OF RE-CORD!

HENRY THE K involved?

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERMANIA IN PRINT: We need 3,987 WORDS to know RAMSEY CLARK is a JARK?

Posted 9:11 AM by Gene

SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS are hyperventilating tens of thousands of words over this demonstration of typing skills from COLUMBIA JERNALISM REVUE's Web site. Do they need TENS OF THOUSANDS OF WORDS when THREE will suffice -- CONSIDER THE SOURCE?

OF COURSE THEY DO!

Posted 8:47 AM by Gene

It's nice to know OUR FRIENDS THE SAUDIS CARE SO MUCH FOR US.

WHORVIS!! WHOOOOOOOOOORVIS COMMUNICAAAAAAAAAAAAATIONS!!!!!

Posted 8:34 AM by Gene

ONLY IN AMERICA: STAPLES, being a proud member of the AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS, throws its money at anything it'll stick to -- including THE MACHIAVELLI (i.e., SINCLAIR) BROADCASTING GROUP. DAVID "I'LL SCREAM AND CRY AND THROW A TANTRUM TILL I GET MY WAY" BROCK organizes an e-mail campaign, which forces this proud advertiser into making a PC DECISION it wouldn't have had to make if it had EXERCISED SOME JUDGMENT, which is A VIOLATION OF MOST BIG BUSINESS'S MISSION STATEMENTS.

Posted 8:08 AM by Gene

If one of LEGENDARY DAVIS'S many, many servants, maids or valets wanted to get fired, said wage slave would have opened his PAPER OF RE-CORD to THIS STORY, and set it first thing on his breakfast table or desk, thus possibly eliciting:

@#$%&* IDIOTS! IT'S @#$%&* RECORDS LIKE THIS THAT HAVE FORCED US INTO @#$%&* BANKRUPTCY! EVERY TIME SOME @#$%&* NOSE-IN-THE-AIR WANTS TO RECORD SOME @#$%&* OPERA WE MAY AS WELL THROW THE @#$%&* MONEY IN THE STREET! WHO THE HELL IS @#$%&* WAGNER [pronouncing it WAG-ner instead of VAHG-ner] ANYWAY? MITCH MILLER? WE OUGHT TO TAKE EVERY @#$%&* MORON WHO WANTS TO RECORD ANY @#$%&* CLASSICAL OR JAZZ AND HAVE THEM SHOT! WE OUGHT TO TAKE THE WHOLE @#$%&* CLASSICAL AND JAZZ AND OTHER BORING MUSIC @#$%&* BACK CATALOG AND BURN IT, THEN DUMP THE @#$%&* ASHES IN THE @#$%&* OCEAN! IT'S ONE THING TO WASTE @#$%&* MONEY ON STARS -- I DON'T MIND SPENDING IT ON WHORES OR CARS OR DRU...ON WHATEVER THE STARS NEED, THEY RUN THIS BUSINESS -- BUT TO SPEND ONE @#$%&* MILLION BUCKS ON @#$%&* OPERA'S THE @#$%&* DOWNFALL THE WHOLE @#$%&* INDUSTRY!!!!!

Thank you, LEGENDARY.

Posted 6:58 AM by Gene

THE POWER OF BLOGGING: I post on the Egypt nuclear arms story a little before noon yeasterday, and the Norman Mailer speech (off Romy) at 9:45 a.m. WEDNESDAY. LITTLE posts on both around 7:30 P. M. YESTERDAY, and he gets 575 comments. This says a lot of people rely on little for their news, and it may also say a lot of people have one site on their favorites lists.

It may also mean lots of people use their computers as plastic paperweights.

Posted 6:54 AM by Gene

Hey LITTLE JEFFREY, I think your SIX-SIGMA TIMING isn't gonna stop SAM.

Posted 6:40 AM by Gene

Aceh's highly influential Islamic clerics have explained the giant wave that devastated this overwhelmingly Muslim region as a warning to the faithful that they must more strictly observe their religion, including a ban on Muslims killing Muslims.

I guess that means it's only a matter of time before "highly influential Islamic clerics" blame it all on THE GREAT SATAN.

Posted 6:23 AM by Gene

It's nice to know that championship game you missed to go to bed early was a blowout.

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

O.J. to cheer for Trojans at Orange Bowl

This might be cause to root for the Sooners, but both teams are surely full of potential criminals -- let us not forget THE LEGENDARY BARRY SWITZER -- and the winner will make UNTOLD MILLIONS OFF ITS INDENTURED SERVANTS, so we'll call it a DRAW.

Posted 4:53 PM by Gene

EXCELSIOR ON BROADWAY: It takes nearly TWO YEARS for Billy Joel's Greatest Hits to recoup its $10 million investment.

They're lucky with a show full of ooooooooooh-WAH AH-ooooooooooh-WAH AH-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh-WAH!

Posted 2:15 PM by Gene

Today little cited WALTER "SPYWARE" WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, which in this biz is dangerously close to a DOUBLE NEGATIVE.

Posted 11:34 AM by Gene

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyypt's gooooooooonnaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
geeeeeeeeeeeeet onnnnnnnnnne toooooooooooooooooooooooooo,
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust toooooooooooooooooo uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse
onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

yoooooooooooooooooou know who!!!!!

That was TOO easy.

Posted 10:49 AM by Gene

Remember when KRISPY KREME could do no wrong?

If this story points to anything it's that "investors" often go head-over-heels for FADS -- and CUTE NAMES.

Hint hint?

Posted 10:47 AM by Gene

Shucks, the con-SER-va-tives' favorite tyrant has to stay under house arrest, for now.

COMMIES WIN AGAIN!!!!!

Posted 9:00 AM by Gene

Were journalists slow to grasp significance of tsunami story?

Yep, I think we have arrived at the point where this story has officially become a nuisance.

Posted 8:38 AM by Gene

You'd THINK this REPUBLICAN SUPPORTER of AIRAMERICA, the company that goes PC-WOBBLY at the KNEES whenever P&C P&G throws TENS OF MILLIONS AT IT, would know better than to stage A BREAST-ENLARGEMENT CONTEST.

Of course WE know better.

Posted 6:51 AM by Gene

And speaking of CURLEY, what's a humanitarian crisis without a little help from members of THE THREE STOOGES?

I think we have arrived at the point where this story has officially become a nuisance.

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!), we know this is the right thing, the noble thing, the blessed thing to do, standing up for the rights of the UNCOUNTED -- but it's also "GRANDSTANDING."

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

A political hypocrite helped manufacture a southern rock -- I mean COUNTRY "hit"?

Hey guy, CYNICAL is THE RECORD BIZ' MIDDLE NAME.

Posted 6:22 AM by Gene

Con-SER-va-tives will again speak of THE STUPID PARTY, but the GOP House has decided it is not above the law -- though the move be political, and it mean being lashed for your transgressions with a wet noodle.

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

No disrespect for you, Great One, but do you suppose if the goons stayed locked out for FIVE YEARS we'd care?

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER just SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWED down again as the ZILLIONAIRE FREDDIE THE FREELOADERS in MOUNTAIN VIEW celebrated A NEW HIGH -- AND A PE of OVER 243!

I don't care what the DOW 36,000s and the NEWS HACKS and the TECHIES and the con-SER-va-tives say, for this pile of sloth to be worth more than GM AND FORD COMBINED MAKES NO SENSE. The only good thing is VIACON NETWORK NEWS did an infomercial for the company, and one wonders if that isn't a kind of SI COVER JINX.

P. S. Yes I know about THE CLUNKER BROTHERS, but at least they make CARS. G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE makes nothing but PAPER FORTUNES.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

Oh no, say several attendees of Mr. Mailer's speech in the always reliable Romy LETTERS, it was just COMMON COURTESY. Then up pops this:

I am dismayed that Alan Greenblatt had to go all the way to Cambridge, Mass., to discover that most reporters are liberal in their personal politics. I am also dismayed that he assumes ipso facto that those reporters who harbor liberal sympathies, and who exhibit them in a setting such as a Harvard seminiar, must by definition also harbor a "liberal bias" in their written work. Why is that necessarily so, or even likely? Does he also assume that every journalist of a conservative leaning lets that ideology influence his work? I don't.

Whether a reporter is a liberal or a conservative in the voting booth -- if he or she is any kind of a pro at all -- is just as irrelevant as the question of whether most plumbers or electricians are liberal. So what if they are? Is a good plumber or electrician or reporter going to let his political leanings influence his plumbing? Or his wiring? Or his journalism? Not if he believes in the integrity of the principals of plumbing, or wiring, or reporting, he isn't. That is the rather gaping hole in Greenblatt's logic.

Out of common courtesy I did not paste this into Word to do my ALL-CAPS routine; but the author works for COLUMBIA JERNALISM REVUE, whose plumbing and wiring are SINISTER -- in several senses.

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

Why will POP and SLICK make the relief gathering any better?

Posted 1:53 PM by Gene

If there's any hope for the Miss America Pageant as a television program the producers ought to swallow hard and bring back the live orchestra, bring back the Cinderella angle, open up that magnificent former Convention Hall rather than boxing it in like a broom closet, find somebody who can sing THE SONG, and concede the younguns will never watch it and just do it for RED-STATE AMERICA. Certainly there's no reason it couldn't do well with an ad-hoc network; look at Lawrence Welk. Making it hip means making it unwatchable.

Posted 12:58 PM by Gene

McDONALD'S COULDN'T CARE LESS: Today I was in my local Mickey D's what used to play salsa, only they don't play salsa anymore -- or anything. If only more retailers took up the challenge; just turning off Muzak in its 500 permutations could reduce heart attacks and strokes. I couldn't help though hearing the radio in the food prep area (DON'T call it the kitchen; Mickey D's never had one), not loud, but noticeable enough to placate the help, and it was a CHEAPCHANNELVIACON because it played a ten-minute profit break, and right in the middle was a Wendy's ad. Ray Kroc (whoever he was) would have turned over in his grave, but that would have been a futile gesture as Mickey D's, like so much of corporate America, is about NOTHING.

Posted 10:21 AM by Gene

Here is my second update of THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY, which I hope will explain (though it may not excuse) some of the loopy nicknames I give people and organizations. I've updated it to make one or two corrections and because several of the definitions were obsolete, or not sufficiently self-serving:

MICKEYMOUSE NIXON: Michael Eisner. So called because in recent years he's frequently been likened to Nixon, given his penchant for micromanagement and credit-hogging.

BUTTMAN INSTITUTE: The Cato Institute, the home of glibertarianism (qv). The producer of Buttman videos is a "major" benefactor.

THE BROW: Sumner Redstone, after the arch-nemesis of Dick Tracy, and also because he lost his in a hotel fire.

THE ZON: Mel Karmazin, the broadcast tyrant and THE BROW's former rival, now the SAVIOR OF SATELLITE RADIO, who makes a big thing about the correct pronunciation of his name: it's KarmaZON, NOT KarmaZIN.

THE GLIBERAL: Frank Rich. Self-explanatory, I hope.

ASWIA: The fictitious American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers, which isn't so fictitious; it's called the Association of National Advertisers and it's made a big PR stink about its "support" for "family-friendly programming" even as it's grown ever more indiscriminate in its sponsorships.

THE CLUNKER BROTHERS: GM and Ford, and honorary member DaimlerCorp (i.e., DaimlerChrysler), again for obvious reasons; and while I know The Big Two have made considerable quality strides, they always manage to undercut them one way or another, mainly through their bad PR and excessive advertising.

STERNO: Jeff Jarvis, former TV Guide "critic" and founder of the unreadable Time Warner rag Entertainment Weekly, and proprietor of BuzzMachine.com, formerly "Buzz T. Newhouse" for being a TWXster (qv), and also because he now works for Si Newhouse in "new media," and who has a decided aversion to knocking people in big media, unless they make idiotic statements about blogging. The current nickname comes from his turning his site lock-stock-and-barrel over to THE GREATEST ENTERTAINER AND TRUTH TELLER OF ALL TIME.

RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Any property run by News Corporation automatically gets at least twenty exclamation points after (or within) the name given the founder's penchant for banging people on the head with them (hence FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News, THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, etc.) This also applies to any right-wing organization or NEWS HACK who exaggerates the news, like NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, etc.

TWXSTER (pronounced twixter, as in Elmer Fudd): Anyone employed by Time Warner (TWX is its NYSE ticker symbol).

BILL THE ENTOMOLOGIST: The head wizard of Microsoft, after his company's penchant for creating some very ingenious software bugs.

SUPERHOOPER: Ibrahim Hooper, the tyrannical spokespoop for the hard-core-Islamist front group CAIR, who never met a Muslim he didn't like.

NEWS HACKS: I know I have what amounts to an obsession in using this term, but as I explained in one of my earliest posts,

I'm not calling them "journalists." That's like calling a garbageman a sanitation engineer (God knows they're in the same business). Besides, am I going to endow an AP drone with the same term as Boswell, Dickens, Hemingway and Orwell? Not on your life! Well how about "reporter," then? Because not all news hacks report; some are incoherent columnists, some are movie-ad-blurb copywriters, some are senior-citizen groupies, some are millionaire toadies, and so forth. No, the dictionary defines "news" as "new information of any kind" (never mind that most "news" writing is old as the hilburns), and "hack" as "a writer hired to produce routine or commercial writing." Hackwork is worse on a deadline. Hence -- NEWS HACKS.

GE BANCORP: General Electric, because it seems increasingly to want to be a bank (and in similar financial scams like show-biz) and to uninvolve itself in grimy businesses like manufacturing.

ALTRIA MOTIVE: The former Philip Morris Companies, or as it must call itself now, Altria, the pronunciation of whose name suggests a double entendre -- and if the firm didn't provide it by sticking with its NYSE ticker symbol MO. (ALTRIA MOTIVE FOODS is Kraft Inc., 85-percent owned by ALTRIA MOTIVE.)

MOVIE-AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS: Again, I will not call them movie "critics" for the same reason I will not call NEWS HACKS "journalists." In a "notorious" column several years ago Variety's fawner-in-chief Peter Bart suggested calling them the same thing. All they write are ad blurbs for movies, seasoned with a big dollop of pretension.

WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Matt DRUDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, multi-millionaire populist liar, known for wearing a hat to cover the hole in his head.

DOW 36,000: Jim Glassman, the smug glibertarian columnist and head of Tech Central Station, who confidently predicted at the height of the stock-market bubble in 2000 -- in a BOOK -- by THAT TITLE -- that's where the Dow Jones Industrial Average would go.

SNIDELY WHIPLASH: House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, for his comically villainous demeanor, and also because he'd look like Snidely if you gave him a handlebar moustache, a cape, and a stove-pipe hat.

CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES: AP hacks, affectionately named for their boss, Tom Curley, former publisher of USA OKAY!!!!!, who once insisted with a straight face most of the people who run the news biz are conservative. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS: The United Nations, like its forerunner, a wimpish, appeasing irrelevance.

TOENAIL.COM (formerly KINSLEY.COM): Slate.com, founded and once edited by Michael Kinsley, whose snide, smirky, smarmy presence radiates in every piece, since renamed because for days it (and its soon to be former sister site MSNBC.COM) gave prominence to an eerily appropriate ad about TOENAIL FUNGUS.

THE NINE FINGERS IN THE WIND: The Supreme Court of the United States, whose members frequently seem to rule that way.

GLIBERTARIANISM: Libertarianism. It combines (to quote from another post) "the worst of the knee-jerk liberal (laissez-faire morals) with the worst of the knee-jerk conservative (laissez-faire capitalism), mixed with a healthy dose of conceit."

SAMMY GLICKMAN: Dan Glickman, president of THE CONSPIRACY: The Motion Picture Association of America, so named after Sammy Glick, the anti-hero of the movie-biz novel What Makes Sammy Run? by Budd Schulberg -- not that Dan's necessarily a heel, but the job may make him one, and at any rate the name's a PERFECT FIT.

JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP: "CARA," the MPAA's ratings system, named for its creator, SAMMY GLICKMAN'S predecessor, the evil Jack Valenti. Its supersecret cooks are SOUP NAZIS. The soup is an absolute disgrace, a big reason movie stink, and a problem no one seems of a mind to do anything about, for all the occasional REFORMING noises among news hacks. One suspects a reason the hacks are content just to make noises on the subject is that any positive change to mass media is a NEGATIVE CHANGE TO THEM. Hence the constant wave of denials of press bias, and the only recent grudging admission that something called the Web exists.

SOB: Al Neuharth, former CEO of GanNETt and putative founder of USA TODAY!!!!!, because he wrote a novel -- I mean, an AUTOBIOGRAPHY boasting that he was one. He was the DONALD of jerrrrrnalism.

NEUHARTHISM: An exaggeration for the purpose of selling. Frequently employed in USA TODAY!!!!!, but with the increasing popularity of SYNERGY (see THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) NEUHARTHISMS can pop up ANYWHERE.

THOMPSONISM: the womyn's-studies and black-studies movement of our time, "pop-culture studies," the incontinent praising of show-biz junk with multi-syllable words for the purpose of establishing tuition- and taxpayer-financed fiefdoms, named after "Prof." Robert Thompson of Syracuse, who's set Guinness Book records the last three years for getting his name in Nexus.

LITTLE JEFFREY: Jeffrey Immelt, chairman of GE BANCORP, whom I call such because he will forever work under the shadow of the LEGENDARY (see again THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) JACK WELCH, the most overhyped and overrated CEO who ever lived.

LEGENDARY DAVIS: Clive Davis, the infamous tone-deaf record exec, who officially cannot be mentioned in any newspaper article without being called LEGENDARY (see the previous entry) for all the Johnny and Janey-One-Notes he's inflicted on us.

BLUNDER RAG: Newsweek, so named after its hyperventilating Harvard graduate and superpatriotic columnist Jonathan Alter made fun of Vice-President Cheney for saying the Iraqis would cheer us. ("AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") The magazine tries to make up for being second to its competition by outzeitgeisting the zeitgeist, often with nauseating (or unintentionally funny) results. BLUNDER was home of the Hitler Diaries, to this day one of its finest achievements.

MR. MARK: Mark Whitaker, BLUNDER's editor, who judging from his rag's contents seems like the classic advertising executive and buck passer.

Posted 9:45 AM by Gene

It's hardly a shocker that Norman Mailer could show up at a place like Cambridge, Mass., and win big applause with a speech attacking President Bush. After all, employees of Harvard University gave more money to John Kerry's presidential campaign than people who work anywhere else (except the University of California). What made the standing ovation for the novelist so disappointing, though, was that it came from a great big pack of...

JERRRRRNALISTS.

Posted 8:20 AM by Gene

Which came first in Texas -- the SUPERDUPERHIGHWAY or the PROPERTY RIGHTS?

Looks like Republicans can contort themselves into an ideological pretzel over this one.

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK (sure you RETIRED, SOB?):

2004 BOX OFFICE RINGS UP AS
NO. 2 OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!

And by THIS FLACK'S ADMISSION, attendance was DOWN 3.3 percent. WAY TO GO AL!!!!!

Sighhhhhhhhhhh, another definition for THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.

Posted 6:41 AM by Gene

As he prepares to end his tenure as secretary of state, Colin Powell is ruling out a run for political office.

Asked on the Sunday talk shows if he had any plans to seek elective office, Powell responded with a firm and quick, "No."

He said he has no immediate plans to write a book, either.

Powell said he really hasn't nailed down exactly what he's going to do.

One thing's sure: it will be VERY profitable -- and if he plays his cards right, maybe very INTERFERING.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

He's accused in 14 attacks, but still free

Hey liberals! OUR LEGAL SYSTEM WORKS!

Even better, he's a -- HOMELESS PERSON!!

Posted 6:23 AM by Gene

TV has become to the glibertarian (and especially to unReason rag) what Mickey D's and Wal-Mart have become to con-SER-va-tives: something you praise indiscriminately, without bothering to partake of it.

(Yep, I've been to ArtsJournal.com again, grrrr.)

Posted 6:21 AM by Gene

When a radio columnist (who's just a variant on the adjective-prone rock music ad-blurb copywriter) gushes that NEW FORMATS WILL SAVE RADIO, it usually means twenty variants on ROCK, and the good thing about that is, same old same old music, same old same old ratings.

Posted 2:12 PM by Gene

Faith-based, secular -- anyone can get government money if you fill out the form right.

And isn't spreading the wealth what government's all about?

Posted 1:40 PM by Gene

Lifetime terrorist detentions are a bad idea -- but if another senator has said that, say, Chuck Hagel, I'd have said it's a very GOOD idea.

Maybe Matt Welch has a point.

Posted 1:31 PM by Gene

Onward and upward in the world of film piracy:

[A] recent scan of the movies listed by groups at VCDQuality turned up several films released within the past four weeks, including "Meet The Fockers," "Ocean's Twelve," "Fat Albert" and "Finding Neverland."

And we would all agree film piracy is a problem, except for one thing: with today's films -- I will always say it again -- YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

Posted 9:14 AM by Gene

Oh speaking of OSCARS®, it's time for my ACADEMY AWARD® BEST-PICTURE NOMINEE PREDICTIONS. These should be easy. Here goes:

1. Martin's latest masterpiece, in part as a reward for the great job he did with TAXI DRI -- his stellar career;
2. CLINT'S Annual Masterpiece, because all the ad-blurb copywriters say it's GENIUS, and if we can trust anybody, boy, it's AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS;
3. That boredom about wine and quarrels or whatever it's about, if only because it got lots of AWARDS, and something that's won lots of AWARDS may deserve ANOTHER;
4. That snoozer about the SEX MASTER OF ALL TIME, because it confirms how totally wise we are;
5. PIXAR's latest animation, so we can avoid a total ARTHOUSE BOMB, and to lure the people who'll tune out in droves when they see all the ARTHOUSE FILMS that have been nominated, and to show that, for all the contempt we have for our audience, it's a FAMILY-FRIENDLY contempt. Besides, that other film's a SEQUEL. (Don't worry, it doesn't stand a chance.)

I give an outside shot to P. R. MIKE but they probably won't because it would make the Academy® members look like idiots -- but let us not forget, THEY ARE IDIOTS.

The winner when the nominations are announced. May the worst flick win!

Posted 9:11 AM by Gene

Libya using oil to entice U.S. executives

That's nothing -- they ALWAYS put their principles on the line.

Assuming they have any.

Posted 8:58 AM by Gene

But then CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES go THE REUT one better: they tell us John Travolta's an ac-TOR.

Really. You pull the uglify-your-face and play-against-type routine, and it impresses NEWS HACKS and WINS OSCARS®. But that's the thing about NEWS HACKS (and SHOW-BIZ TYPES) -- they think they're the least gullible people -- when they're the MOST.

And the worst part is, WE'RE GULLIBLE FOR THEIR GULLIBILITY.

Posted 8:56 AM by Gene

The same REUT people who SPIN IT that terrorists aren't terrorists SELL IT THAT LITTLE JEFFREY'S ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!

Who says you can't rely on NEWS HACKS?

Hey Daisuke! Ever consider being a sales -- ANALYST?????

Posted 8:22 AM by Gene

Raising the minimum wage has little effect on ordinary people, but it's another topic that lets you know whose backs are being scratched.

Posted 8:18 AM by Gene

Kofi Annan: Disaster recovery could take 5-10 yrs - AP

Which means it could be sooner -- or later if the LEAGUE OF NATIONS has its way.

Posted 8:09 AM by Gene

The rulings of the National Labor Relations Board have poured out one after another in recent months, with many decisions tilting in favor of employers....

The party-line decisions have been applauded by the Republican Party's business base, which sees them as bringing balance after rulings that favored labor during the Clinton administration....

Labor unions say the reversals will make it much harder to organize workers at a time when the percentage of Americans belonging to unions is declining.

Isn't that the point? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

The whole point of political parties is whose back gets scratched.