THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, September 11, 2010
It is time for this message to get louder and clearer: tighten YOUR belts, Congresspoops, before you force us to tighten OURS.
But no matter how loud the public screams, our SUPERIORS will ALWAYS think they're doing a SWELL JOB. (CAVEAT: Somebody's selling A BOOK.)
But no matter how loud the public screams, our SUPERIORS will ALWAYS think they're doing a SWELL JOB. (CAVEAT: Somebody's selling A BOOK.)
I really don't want to mention THAT DAY but because we can obsess over it nine years later -- and the obsessions are sure to double next year -- says Osama committed the most brilliant and forward-thinking act of evil in history, far smaller than anything Hitler and Stalin could have devised, but they'd be in awe of it. Clearly he knew he was striking at an America already politically and culturally hobbled; he knew a nation so hobbled could in time be brought down by its own doubts, and just as more than one writer has said Osama helped screw up our economy for the long haul (although he must thank the former Wizard of Oz and the MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE), one must also note it led in time to the accession of a God with so many doubts about His nation He cannot think of a circumstance to defend it. And so it is apt that New York still has a hole in the ground nine years later, and the hole in our nation's being has not yet filled in either. A stronger nation, a nation sure and sound, would not have it there.
We should note this excellent interactive feature on the site. The hole is SLOWLY filling in, but it is still a hole, and it will be five or six years before the immediate vicinity is finished, and years beyond until the last remnants of construction have ceased. (Via CJR)
We should note this excellent interactive feature on the site. The hole is SLOWLY filling in, but it is still a hole, and it will be five or six years before the immediate vicinity is finished, and years beyond until the last remnants of construction have ceased. (Via CJR)
TRANSLATION: Roger "Thumbs® Up" Ebert's going into the TV-production business, and he's producing mostly raves.
Two more millionaire toadies!
But Roger, why didn't you hire F. X.? That would have made it the TRIFECTA of TOADYING!
Two more millionaire toadies!
But Roger, why didn't you hire F. X.? That would have made it the TRIFECTA of TOADYING!
Friday, September 10, 2010
NOW YA DONE IT:
Aside from the cost of buying 3D sets at a time the technology is just becoming available, the glasses required to watch them are a major hindrance. Fifty-seven per cent of people surveyed cited the glasses as a reason they were not likely to buy a set. Nearly nine in 10 people worry that it will constrain them from multitasking while the TV is on, the survey said.
(As quoted by the usual AHTSJournal)
Aside from the cost of buying 3D sets at a time the technology is just becoming available, the glasses required to watch them are a major hindrance. Fifty-seven per cent of people surveyed cited the glasses as a reason they were not likely to buy a set. Nearly nine in 10 people worry that it will constrain them from multitasking while the TV is on, the survey said.
(As quoted by the usual AHTSJournal)
Speaking of PLAYER ARRESTED:
So far this year through August, 125 college and professional football and basketball players have been arrested on serious charges. By that I mean felonies or misdemeanors involving violence, weapons or substance abuse. That's pretty astounding. At this rate, the number will be up around 200 by year's end.
But you see, they're growing up!
(Via Inside Higher Ed)
So far this year through August, 125 college and professional football and basketball players have been arrested on serious charges. By that I mean felonies or misdemeanors involving violence, weapons or substance abuse. That's pretty astounding. At this rate, the number will be up around 200 by year's end.
But you see, they're growing up!
(Via Inside Higher Ed)
Yesterday we mentioned the hack's favorite crutch, factoids. Today (via I Want Media again) we find another one (from Yahoo!, how too apt):
In August, people spent a total of 41.1 million minutes on Facebook, comScore said, about 9.9 percent of their Web-surfing minutes for the month. That just barely surpassed the 39.8 million minutes, or 9.6 percent, people spent on all of Google Inc.'s sites combined, including YouTube, the free Gmail e-mail program, Google news and other content sites.
It would be nice to reduce this to practical terms -- how many minutes is that per Web user per day? How much time does the typical Facebook user spend making "friends"? But even assuming a tenth of Americans were on Facebook, that would be only 0.04 minutes a day -- or roughly 2.4 seconds. But it is another nifty factoid -- nifty and completely useless.
Which is why news hacks can spend so much of their waking hours inventing crises from thin air.
How unnerving: most of my recent posts have been on the self-referential kingdom of MEDIA -- but what else is there?
(Corrected 9/12/2010)
In August, people spent a total of 41.1 million minutes on Facebook, comScore said, about 9.9 percent of their Web-surfing minutes for the month. That just barely surpassed the 39.8 million minutes, or 9.6 percent, people spent on all of Google Inc.'s sites combined, including YouTube, the free Gmail e-mail program, Google news and other content sites.
It would be nice to reduce this to practical terms -- how many minutes is that per Web user per day? How much time does the typical Facebook user spend making "friends"? But even assuming a tenth of Americans were on Facebook, that would be only 0.04 minutes a day -- or roughly 2.4 seconds. But it is another nifty factoid -- nifty and completely useless.
Which is why news hacks can spend so much of their waking hours inventing crises from thin air.
How unnerving: most of my recent posts have been on the self-referential kingdom of MEDIA -- but what else is there?
(Corrected 9/12/2010)
"Some things in media are about who is running [it]. Some assets are managed well, some aren't. People do make the difference."
AND I, MICKEYMOUSE NIXON, MAKE THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE!!!!!
(Via I Want Media)
AND I, MICKEYMOUSE NIXON, MAKE THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE!!!!!
(Via I Want Media)
WE'RE LIVING IN A GOLDEN AGE OF TELEVISION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Golden overmemphasis added]
No, no, it can't be -- SID's looking for a SYNERGISTIC sugar daddy?
No, no, it can't be -- SID's looking for a SYNERGISTIC sugar daddy?
Well, I said we weren't going to post on that jackassery again, but here comes MediaBistro:
Coverage Of Koran Case Stirs Questions On Media Role (NYT)
...The episode has given rise to at least a little soul-searching within news organizations....
And how can you search your soul when there's a black hole in it?
Coverage Of Koran Case Stirs Questions On Media Role (NYT)
...The episode has given rise to at least a little soul-searching within news organizations....
And how can you search your soul when there's a black hole in it?
Upcoming indie films full of doom and gloom
Dark tone could be a factor during awards season
We hope so!
Dark tone could be a factor during awards season
We hope so!
Thursday, September 09, 2010
And while the newsrooms suffer a nervous breakdown -- a cheer must have gone up when they heard their latest obsession might continue -- Bloomy gives us three factoids in a story about a million tons of feathers:
According to the Fantasy Sports Trade Association, there are 30 million fantasy players in the U.S. and Canada -- 54 percent more than two years ago. Most of them are pretty good at their jobs: According to a 2009 study by the University of Mississippi, the annual household income of a fantasy sports consumer is $92,750, Bloomberg Business Week reports in its Sept. 13 edition.
Outplacement consulting firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas estimates that American companies might be losing as much as $1.5 billion in productivity during an average football season because of fantasy sports.
So we get sound bites from a lobbying group, a football factory and a personnel firm known for rushing to the red lights of cameras. So many hacks can justify so many stories so many ways it becomes a question of whom can tell the baldest lie most credibly. And when they obsess over trivia as today they can inspire a national outbreak of the willies. How can we ever cut the Gordian knot of news?
And we are not mentioning that infernal nonsense again because it too is A MILLION TONS OF FEATHERS, and will be as gone the day after as any SPORTS CHAMPIONSHIP.
And remember -- A MILLION TONS OF FEATHERS may seem lighter than A MILLION TONS OF LEAD -- until they land on your SKULL.
P. S. In Googling "a million tons of feathers" we found this factoid -- and however true or false it is an apt allegory:
An estimated 5 million tonnes of chicken feathers are produced globally each year as a by-product of meat manufacture. The raw material is tough and chemically resistant.
Currently the feathers are either disposed of in landfill or processed to make a low-grade animal feedstock.
According to the Fantasy Sports Trade Association, there are 30 million fantasy players in the U.S. and Canada -- 54 percent more than two years ago. Most of them are pretty good at their jobs: According to a 2009 study by the University of Mississippi, the annual household income of a fantasy sports consumer is $92,750, Bloomberg Business Week reports in its Sept. 13 edition.
Outplacement consulting firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas estimates that American companies might be losing as much as $1.5 billion in productivity during an average football season because of fantasy sports.
So we get sound bites from a lobbying group, a football factory and a personnel firm known for rushing to the red lights of cameras. So many hacks can justify so many stories so many ways it becomes a question of whom can tell the baldest lie most credibly. And when they obsess over trivia as today they can inspire a national outbreak of the willies. How can we ever cut the Gordian knot of news?
And we are not mentioning that infernal nonsense again because it too is A MILLION TONS OF FEATHERS, and will be as gone the day after as any SPORTS CHAMPIONSHIP.
And remember -- A MILLION TONS OF FEATHERS may seem lighter than A MILLION TONS OF LEAD -- until they land on your SKULL.
P. S. In Googling "a million tons of feathers" we found this factoid -- and however true or false it is an apt allegory:
An estimated 5 million tonnes of chicken feathers are produced globally each year as a by-product of meat manufacture. The raw material is tough and chemically resistant.
Currently the feathers are either disposed of in landfill or processed to make a low-grade animal feedstock.
Fla. minister cancels plans to burn Qurans on Sept. 11
Aw JEEZ, idiot -- you were just getting STARTED!!!!!
...to fly to New York to meet with Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf regarding the relocation of the Islamic center near ground zero.
Every super-duper cable-news chief, every HUFF 'n' PUFF and WALTER WINCHELL!!!!! and WOLFFMAN!!!!!, every press imbecile with seven digits to his name, should be the figurative equivalent of DRAWN AND QUARTERED.
Aw JEEZ, idiot -- you were just getting STARTED!!!!!
...to fly to New York to meet with Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf regarding the relocation of the Islamic center near ground zero.
Every super-duper cable-news chief, every HUFF 'n' PUFF and WALTER WINCHELL!!!!! and WOLFFMAN!!!!!, every press imbecile with seven digits to his name, should be the figurative equivalent of DRAWN AND QUARTERED.
And so you don't forget, this year's excruciating publicity stunt will be BROUGHT TO YOU BY "5® REACT™ [SIC!] Gum [i.e., MARS, INC.], freecreditscore.com™, Honda CR-Z Sport Hybrid, Rhapsody®, Samsung Fascinate a Galaxy S phone [SIC!], Taco Bell® and Verizon Wireless"!!!!!
Where are Coke and Pepsi, SUMNER?
Where are Coke and Pepsi, SUMNER?
ANNOYING: FORBELISTBLOG has this habit of running its trademark simple-minded listicles on why certain cities or states have "resilient" economies. The Atlantic has just done the same thing, and it's a worthless exercise for the following four-out-of-five reasons:
1. Eds and Meds
2. Also: Enlisteds
3. Capitals
4. Texas (Or at Least Its Time Zone) [sic]
In short, GOVERNMENT -- and yes, that INCLUDES Texas.
Thanks again, EDDIE!
1. Eds and Meds
2. Also: Enlisteds
3. Capitals
4. Texas (Or at Least Its Time Zone) [sic]
In short, GOVERNMENT -- and yes, that INCLUDES Texas.
Thanks again, EDDIE!
Hey JIMMAH II! Reinstall those solar panels!
The only foreseeable drawback? Comparisons to the one-term Carter administration is likely something that at the moment the West Wing is trying to avoid.
Which, with luck, will be longer than SIDSWEEK.
The only foreseeable drawback? Comparisons to the one-term Carter administration is likely something that at the moment the West Wing is trying to avoid.
Which, with luck, will be longer than SIDSWEEK.
Exciting news in the world of TWXSTERISM:
TNT Orders Up "Dallas: The Next Generation"
TNT Orders Up "Dallas: The Next Generation"
Who says book revues are dead? SLIME is launching one in His JOURNALS!
More empty raves! More logrolling! More SYNERGY!!!!!
More empty raves! More logrolling! More SYNERGY!!!!!
More sharply-honed investigative reporting: The GanNETtoids run a press release for a fast-food chain!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO BRUCE!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO BRUCE!
Yes, THE REV. DR. MARTIN LUTHER BECK, JR.!!!!! and SARAH!!!!! would charge for a 9-11 event.
And why should they be "horsewhipped"? Shouldn't they be congratulated for their spirit of FREE EN-TER-PRISE?
And why should they be "horsewhipped"? Shouldn't they be congratulated for their spirit of FREE EN-TER-PRISE?
John Kluge, who was RUPERT before He came along -- FOX!!!!!!!!!! was built around Kluge's former holdings -- has died. Our media biz is in greatly deserved trouble because zillionaires like Kluge thought of media as assets, and skimped on the content.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
"There were no new policies from Mr. Boehner," he said. "There were no new ideas. There was just the same philosophy we already tried for the last decade; the same philosophy that led to this mess in the first place. Cut more taxes for millionaires and cut more rules for corporations."
Let's fix that:
"There are no new policies from your president," he meant. "There are no new ideas. There is just the same philosophy we already tried for the last two years; the same philosophy that exacerbated this mess in the first place. Raise more taxes from everyone and create more rules for corporations and doctors and Lord knows who else."
SIX OF ONE....
Let's fix that:
"There are no new policies from your president," he meant. "There are no new ideas. There is just the same philosophy we already tried for the last two years; the same philosophy that exacerbated this mess in the first place. Raise more taxes from everyone and create more rules for corporations and doctors and Lord knows who else."
SIX OF ONE....
Fidel was up to something. Maybe he was just up to being an old man or dying. But he was up to something. We wonder why he chose this interview because he had plenty of opportunities to reform. Perhaps he thinks he can still fool the gringos -- although Jeffrey Goldberg is not stupid. We wonder too if this might be the time for Obama to finally make His mark on history without spending money and offer to get Fidel and his cronies to leave Cuba.
In the old days the hacks would not have exasperated us with such excruciating ad campaigns because they would have given the recipients the partisanly inspired silent treatment, which despite its usual reek would have been most welcome here. But with GanNETt never at $90 again and a lot of their employers in the TV biz and therefore in "reality" programming we get constant ad campaigns, whether for the recorded...SOUND trade's no talents or buffoons committing job-market suicide or psychotic cranks with a cause. Yes, we will banish them from our heads soon enough, but their residue remains, and with each new affront it accretes, and we get angrier and angrier.
We will give the HONORARY MAYOR or His aides credit for being Their definition of broadminded. But dignify such fools and you dignify more fools.
We will give the HONORARY MAYOR or His aides credit for being Their definition of broadminded. But dignify such fools and you dignify more fools.
Now all the hacks are positing that His Omnipotence's Thug will be the next permanent mayor of Chicago. Do the Windy Citizens really want twenty more years of self-aggrandizing incompetence?
The Importance of David Bowie "His impact as a musician, as a brand, as a sign of the times, has been as great as Dylan and the Beatles, his influence as an otherworldly pop star actually greater … [an] erudite pop combination of shaman, singer, thinker and shameless self-promoter." Financial Times 09/04/10
Confronted with AHTSJournal piffle like this we must post these three TWXSTER covers, including one we ran just the other day. How often must we confront shameless self-promotion? Take the promotion away from most news rags and you have ads, and a stuttering graf or two of that pablum called "news". And FT always boasts of how a gazillion readers pay umpteen bazillion dollars -- for PR? Here again is why we must not trust news hacks, and why we must never stoop to paying for PR, however elite the source.
And we intend to root through all eighty-seven years of TWXSTERISM in hunt of embarrassing covers like these, and will devote a weekly post to them.
Confronted with AHTSJournal piffle like this we must post these three TWXSTER covers, including one we ran just the other day. How often must we confront shameless self-promotion? Take the promotion away from most news rags and you have ads, and a stuttering graf or two of that pablum called "news". And FT always boasts of how a gazillion readers pay umpteen bazillion dollars -- for PR? Here again is why we must not trust news hacks, and why we must never stoop to paying for PR, however elite the source.
And we intend to root through all eighty-seven years of TWXSTERISM in hunt of embarrassing covers like these, and will devote a weekly post to them.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
ESPNCORP NETWORK NEWS's boss left in a huff, and we challenge even the most media-mad to tell us that anyone outside ESPNCORP cares.
We are SURE UB IGER doesn't.
We are SURE UB IGER doesn't.
I say depression too.
One wonders how long CEOs can go on paying those fat annual salary increases to themselves by not hiring people. But hey, the Terrible Tempered Mr. Bang got Himself a JOB!
One wonders how long CEOs can go on paying those fat annual salary increases to themselves by not hiring people. But hey, the Terrible Tempered Mr. Bang got Himself a JOB!
Well! The Kennedy Center Entertainment HHonors have finally ceased with the bulltwaddle that they're about the arts! They awarded QUEEN OPRAH, Who bequeathed us with Her President! Plainly the Center's grand poobahs want Her and Lord McCartney to finance a few renovations of the Casino on the Potomac. Good luck with that one!
And I mean jeez, I like Merle Haggard and Jerry Herman too but aren't we carrying our fundraising a bit too far?
And I mean jeez, I like Merle Haggard and Jerry Herman too but aren't we carrying our fundraising a bit too far?
But elsewhere the sad (sniff sniff) tale of Kim Kardashian's ex shows that maybe money worship can only go so far.
And we'd feel sad too as we did for Marion Jones but you figure, he got what he wanted.
And we'd feel sad too as we did for Marion Jones but you figure, he got what he wanted.
Tiger Woods is going to the Ryder Cup as a captain's pick with his 71 victories and 14 majors.
The CEOs win!
The CEOs win!
Monday, September 06, 2010
It is dispiriting enough that BB has become a crank, a crank only fitfully right; worse, she has assumed the attitude of the total crank and let her looks go to pot as well as her brains. For a woman at 75 cosmetics have their limits, but why must she look like a hag? And that's doubly dispiriting because long ago she wasn't. There are strong arguments against plastic surgery; BB comes dangerously close to an argument for it.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Five years ago:
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!
Incidentally we should remind our two readers that the man we used to call "ER" is now courageously demonstrating the truth of the PETER PRINCIPLE.
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!
Incidentally we should remind our two readers that the man we used to call "ER" is now courageously demonstrating the truth of the PETER PRINCIPLE.