Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED: I know more than you. I make lots more money than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexier than you. I appear on TV all the time. I work ten minutes a day. I rule the universe. I'm going to live forever. You are an idiot. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2: A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3: I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity. --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4: News isn't news when we don't report it. PERMALINKS: THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE! Blogroll Me! |
Friday, July 01, 2005
Posted
2:13 PM
by Gene
As president of General Electric, Gerard Swope expanded GE's consumer product offerings: The company sold its first electric clothes washer and refrigerator under his leadership. GE's foray into home appliances paid dividends for generations. He also oversaw the creation of the GE Credit Corp. to help finance the sale of appliances. GE Credit paved the way for consumer lending in the U.S., growing into GE Capital, now a $64 billion financial services giant. But his major legacy was in labor relations: Swope instituted "corporate welfare," a widely replicated program in which workers were offered benefits such as profit sharing. Somewhere LEGENDARY WELCH is having INDIGESTION.
Posted
12:00 PM
by Gene
Hey GEEKS! Do you think they'll ever discover a planet with MULTIPLE CORES? Pffh-hh-hh!
Posted
11:31 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:54 AM
by Gene
But don't forget the cravenness of ad-blurb copywriters -- and editorial boards. Meantime this press release bursts with Jews -- JUICE: Indeed, the movie's terrain is so packed with potential land mines that, associates say, Mr. Spielberg has sought counsel from advisers ranging from his own rabbi [GOD needs a RABBI?!?!?] to the former American diplomat Dennis Ross, who in turn has alerted Israeli government officials to the film's thrust. Mr. Spielberg has also shown the script to Mr. Ross's old boss, former President Bill Clinton. Mr. Clinton's aides said Mr. Spielberg reached out to him first more than a year ago and again as recently as Tuesday. Mr. Spielberg is also being advised by Mike McCurry, Mr. Clinton's White House spokesman, and Allan Mayer, a Hollywood spokesman who specializes in crisis communications. Is somebody running for PRESIDENT? Mr. Spielberg's advisers [TRANSLATION: PRESS AGENTS?] say he is studiously avoiding the most glaring potential trap: drawing a moral equivalency between the Palestinian attack and the Israeli retaliation. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Posted
10:50 AM
by Gene
There's no satisfying some people, is there.
Posted
10:42 AM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: He "CONSULTS" for companies that outsource, or companies that do outsourced work, OR BOTH. Hey SOB! I've found you a rival in COWARDICE, STUPIDITY and MENDACITY!
Posted
10:38 AM
by Gene
Time for MORE TRUTH -- or AG WHO?
Posted
10:19 AM
by Gene
The crucial difference between Vietnam and Iraq is that there is no Cronkite to call Bush's bluff. There's one other crucial difference, SOB. There are PLENTY of people to call YOUR bluff. So anytime you BIAS to the HEAVENS, or sell us the NEXT SHOW-BIZ MIRACLE, there will be PLENTY to let the world know YOU'RE FULL OF IT. And speaking of: [W]ar is hell, [and] we must fully support our servicemen and women and put their lives at risk only for honest and just and noble causes. That's why I'm convinced the best way to support our troops in Iraq is to bring them home. Sooner rather than later. So! We support our soldiers, so we must send them home, and let Iraq go to pieces, with maybe a SUPERCALIPHATE in its place, that will launch NUKES AGAINST ISRAEL, and perhaps against US, which may require the deaths of A LOT MORE THAN A FEW SOLDIERS. SOB, go back to your room and masturbate. P. S. "1601."
Posted
10:14 AM
by Gene
We're glad, Bob. Any more of these and the WHOLE CONTINENT may starve.
Posted
9:14 AM
by Gene
"It [presumably he refers to the mythical TIME INC., which certain pretentious NEWS HACKS STILL call by that name though it vanished FIFTEEN YEARS AGO] is a strange company and it is a different company now, and it is really part of an entertainment complex. The journalism part is smaller and smaller. There is a great question out there: is this a journalistic company or an entertainment company? Considering that Time has ALWAYS been about ENTERTAININGLY SKEWING the news, considering that it really broke into the big time in theaters and radio with THE MARCH OF TIME, considering that the GREAT Hank Luce wanted to purchase what is now the ESPNCorp Television Network, considering the outfit owned TV stations and FOUNDED HBO, considering how many of its writers have graduated to type BAD SCREENPLAYS, I'd say it's ALWAYS BEEN AN ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY.
Posted
9:03 AM
by Gene
P. S. I'd like to lock those intolerant bigots RALPH NEAS and JERRY FALWELL in a room for an hour with instructions to have at it. After an hour one would open the door and find nothing left.
Posted
8:54 AM
by Gene
And half of them might classify as past their prime but NEWS HACKS ALWAYS WANT THEIR TICKETS.
Posted
8:16 AM
by Gene
Maybe if your employer goes broke?
Posted
8:15 AM
by Gene
And let me guess, Pinch -- THEY'RE ALL UNCLE TOMS!!!!! Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Posted
8:12 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:03 AM
by Gene
Do I hear news hacks cheering? When do we not? Thursday, June 30, 2005
Posted
12:21 PM
by Gene
Report: PS3 to sell for $399, cost $494 to make Thank you, SLASHDOT!
Posted
12:19 PM
by Gene
GEEKDOM COMES TO THE LIVING ROOM!
Posted
11:03 AM
by Gene
And with the signing this week of a new three-year, seven-figure renewal with Buena Vista Television (via agent Todd Musburger), Roeper can claim impressive longevity in his own right. IT PAYS TO PRAISE! He's represented by BRENT "CHEVALAY" MUSBURGER'S BROTHER, figures.
Posted
10:52 AM
by Gene
I'd say he has a PR problem, but if I know the ARAB WORLD millions have their fists in the air.
Posted
10:11 AM
by Gene
Hubris kicked in when "celebrities" like Milton Berle and Dennis James held tacky telethons to raise money for the Disease of the Month. This led to the notorious Muscular Dystrophy tearjerker, whose chief purpose seems to be to get Jerry Lewis nominated for the NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. BOB'S ERADICATION OF HUNGER is a direct descendant, and every bit as morally dubious, the only real purpose to aim praise right at the organizer. In Ethiopia, do the underfed masses know who the hell BOB GELDOF IS?
Posted
10:05 AM
by Gene
Here's the $64,000,000,000 question: how much of it goes to Robert Mugabes and Swiss bank accounts? HUH, BOB GELDOF? P. S. Hunger still hovers over the landscape despite the nearly $1 billion in foreign aid Ethiopia has received each year during the past decade, according to a report published for the World Bank last year. THOUGHT YOU SOLVED THAT, BOB!
Posted
10:03 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:36 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:17 AM
by Gene
The biggest questions, however, remain unanswered: "What are these people doing on television?" for one, and that American mantra "What else is on?" for another.
Posted
8:56 AM
by Gene
![]() "Kenny is having anger issues right now." Kenny is having some making-too-much-money-on-too-few-brain-cells issues right now.
Posted
8:32 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:25 AM
by Gene
It's been a bad week for Russell Crowe. First came word of an impending lawsuit from the waiter he hurled his phone at in a Manhattan hotel. Now, the AMC theater chain says it'll offer full refunds to moviegoers who don't enjoy his film "Cinderella Man." AMC says the offer is to encourage audiences to see what it calls "one of the finest motion pictures of the year." I don't know that I'd do that. If the biz took up money-back guarantees it would give back more than it takes in.
Posted
8:22 AM
by Gene
Is it wrong for a sports editor to cheer for the home team? I think we already know the answer. It's YES.
Posted
8:09 AM
by Gene
Meantime the ad-blurb copywriters drool over their front-row seats and thousands have already evacuated, and the millionaires at the Tower of Babble prepare to wrestle the word HISTORIC to a fare-thee-well. P. S. In more CIRCULATION-BUILD...HISTORIC news: A PRODUCTION MEMO LISTS KEITH URBAN GOING ON AT 10 A.M., FOLLOWED AT 11 BY SARAH MCLACHLAN AND JOSH GROBAN, BON JOVI AT 12:15, ROB THOMAS AT 1:20 P.M., DEF LEPPARD AT 2:10 P.M., TOBY KEITH AT 4 P.M., WILL SMITH AT 4:50 P.M., KANYE WEST AT 5:55 P.M., LINKIN PARK AND JAY-Z - NOW THAT'S A COMBO!!!! - AT 7 P.M., AND STEVIE WONDER AT 8:05 P.M.!!!!! SATURDAY - THE DAY OF - SOUND CHECKS ARE DUE TO BEGIN WITH DESTINY'S CHILD AT 7 A.M. THEN IT'S JARS OF CLAY (7:30), DAVE MATTHEWS (8), ALICIA KEYS (8:30), KAISER CHIEFS (9), AND BLACK EYED PEAS, WITH THE MARLEYS (9:30). THE BIG SHOW IS TO START AT NOON!!!!!!!!!! I concede these are BIG NAMES!!!!! to the Losing-My-Hearing-with-My-iPod set, but given the much bigger names before them there might have been a day when they couldn't have made it past the guards. Plugging these BIG NAMES!!!!! allows us to do our HISTORIC shtick, however, and PULL ANOTHER ONE ON OUR READERS. Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Posted
9:34 AM
by Gene
No new refinery has been built in the U.S. in 29 years, and the expansion of existing facilities has failed to keep pace with demand. While the country's refining capacity has risen 0.7 percent per year during the past five years, consumption of gasoline and diesel has grown by 1.8 percent annually over the same period, according to the U.S. Energy Department. Who'll complain this time?
Posted
9:13 AM
by Gene
Tricky Dick claims another victim. Where's the GREAT STONE FACE of ANNOYING TV ADS?
Posted
9:01 AM
by Gene
Talk about sex and violence!
Posted
8:58 AM
by Gene
Much like an audience that’s been desensitized by too much sex and violence, media and marketing executives are becoming inured to the frequent declarations of the death of the 30-second spot. We needn't add that lots of 30-second spots help pay for the desensitization of...but that's ANOTHER story.
Posted
8:51 AM
by Gene
Despite the whirlwind of publicity generated by its Paris Hilton ad, the controversial spot does not appear to have significantly increased Carl's Jr. restaurant sales. The chain posted a 1.7% gain in same-store sales for the four weeks ended June 20, while sibling chain Hardee’s posted a 0.7% gain. Both chains are operated by CKE Restaurants of Santa Barbara, Calif.... Analysts and industry watchers were expecting much higher returns.... They ALWAYS do -- which explains why they ALWAYS pull stunts like this.
Posted
8:32 AM
by Gene
Editor's note: This is the Chicago Tribune's review of the 1953 "War of the Worlds," produced by George Pat, directed by Byron Haskin and starring Gene Barry (as the flowing-tie-wearing chief scientist), Les Tremayne and Ann Robinson (as the hand-wringing heroine). The review, which appeared on Oct. 16, 1953, and matter-of-factly gives away the ending, was written by an unknown Tribune critic who wrote under a pseudonym, which was the custom back then, as was the unorthodox spelling of "thru." Thankfully we now know how to spell "through" -- and as OUR OMBUDSMAN can prove, we're more ORTHODOX than ever.
Posted
8:30 AM
by Gene
Chicago's sales tax going up I guess the increase will pay for social services for all the unemployed salespeople.
Posted
8:23 AM
by Gene
In a time when some polls show the popularity of the news media to be even lower than the approval rating for Bush's conduct of the war [PFFH-HH-HH!!!!!], the managements of the networks may have feared hostile reaction if they didn't air the speech live. Political conservatives keep up a steady drumbeat of hostility against the media, something the Bush administration does nothing to discourage. Refusing to air the speech probably would have led to unpleasantness -- or at the least given the new subculture of bellicose bloggers another alleged media conspiracy to shriek about. ROMY no doubt sees a CONSPIRACY in THAT.
Posted
8:16 AM
by Gene
Bush Criticized for Linking 9/11 and Iraq OR: LAST NIGHT WE SAW THE INGREDIENTS COME TOGETHER THAT, FOR THIS PRESIDENT, MAKE A GREAT PRIME-TIME APPEARANCE!!!!! WE HAD HOPED HE WOULD RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO RAISE THE BLOODY FLAG OF 9/11 OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO JUSTIFY A WAR IN A COUNTRY THAT HAD NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THE TERRORIST ATTACKS!!!!! I guess it's back to the usual finger-pointing, demagoguing, screw-the-peopling.
Posted
8:10 AM
by Gene
A former Newsday publisher who once served on a state education board has been charged with possessing child pornography taken off the Internet, authorities said Tuesday. Considering how the GLIBERALS paint PORN as MANKIND'S SALVATION we should not wonder that a few of the hacks and their bosses should partake of it.
Posted
8:07 AM
by Gene
One may wonder after what He's done to movies if ALL Luke Spielberg is lesser. Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Posted
2:46 PM
by Gene
Food not enough Once when I was in Suburban Station, I was approached by a woman who asked for a dollar to get something to eat. I gave her $1 in hopes that she'd go away. Instead, she asked for another dollar. When I told her I needed what I had to buy a train ticket she replied indignantly, "Well, I have to have something to drink!" - Jeanne Aldworth, Frankford
Posted
1:55 PM
by Gene
On the other hand, I don't know what's happened to Terry Teachout -- he's been giggling a lot at Our Girlfriend lately. Maybe he's been too busy with his Satchmo bio. Hope he gets back on track soon.
Posted
1:49 PM
by Gene
Hey if doctors can do it, why can't we GOVS?
Posted
1:36 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:20 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:06 PM
by Gene
Here's another place where self-serving plutocrats can use stats to defend themselves.
Posted
12:16 PM
by Gene
P. S. to the TWXSTER: 1. What was the last prime-time entertainment to get a 30 RATING -- not share, RATING? 2. When was your stock last worth $90 a share?
Posted
10:36 AM
by Gene
That question answers itself: anybody but U. S.!
Posted
10:24 AM
by Gene
Let them eat FROSTED FLAKES!
Posted
9:58 AM
by Gene
Since when?
Posted
9:51 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:40 AM
by Gene
Invest in a GREAT "musical." Hey Ben Brantley! You have NOTHING on Mike Riedel. He closes shows BEFORE they open! P. S. Beware directors named Jerry.
Posted
9:30 AM
by Gene
Not every movie can be an artistic triumph, but moviegoers deserve better. They're already beginning to demand it. CNN did an online poll Friday, asking what movie people were most likely to see over the weekend. The new films "Herbie," "Bewitched" and "Land of the Dead" received 27% of the vote. The landslide winner, with 73%, was "None, I'd rather rent a DVD of something good." Isn't it wonderful when a business has so many satisfied customers? Hey you guys of the press have been satifying customers too for decades. Don't talk.
Posted
9:16 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:05 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:53 AM
by Gene
Monday, June 27, 2005
Posted
3:08 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:57 PM
by Gene
I love when people say, give us a great movie with an original story and good acting, and we'll go to it. As if everyone out here hasn't thought of that. "No more originality!" says big studio exec. "Let's remake some crap!" It's not on purpose, folks. Everyone is doing their best. Every studio that makes a movie out of a sitcom is also developing a hundred other "original" ideas. It's just that they thought the sitcom one would appeal to people. The simple fact is this: every single person in the entertainment business would love to do a breathtakingly fresh, breakthrough film or TV show. But it's VERY VERY HARD! Pardon us while we laugh. There are many inducements for not trying at all. The automatic funding of DVDs and the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers means you don't have to work to raise the dough. Jack's Alphabet Soup with its several different flavors of botulism means you don't have to use your imagination to be in good taste; when after three seconds you run out of witty things to say (this happens quite readily with quarter-wits, aka "scenarists") you can fall back on Grand Guignol or sex scenes or four-letter words. When you run out of those there's always the stuntmen, or the geeks in special effects, who may not know plot or dialogue but sure do know their crowd-pleasin' filler. When you run out of those you're not completely hopeless -- there are the ad-blurb copywriters, with their reverse snobbery and what JOHN PODHORETZ called "grading on a curve," who can save your meretricious property with chants of "dark" and "edgy." When that fails you have focus groups and market research and Nielsens and b.o. to "prove" there'll always be fans for basest junk. And when all these things don't work, there's your own superiority to the audience.
Posted
10:37 AM
by Gene
Big caveat -- this is NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
10:16 AM
by Gene
ANOTHER COURAGEOUS DECISION! Souter was joined in his opinion by other members of the liberal bloc.... YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT!
Posted
10:01 AM
by Gene
Why not? He's an HONORARY REPUBLICAN too.
Posted
9:56 AM
by Gene
It's all those GREAT MOVIES!
Posted
9:54 AM
by Gene
Maybe ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN can get the company as one of His sponsors.
Posted
9:42 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:02 AM
by Gene
Meantime, ROMY (who posted this) regales us today with the story of a paper that can't verify an ex-columnist's sources, proof the HACKS continue to work overtime at being devious.
Posted
8:34 AM
by Gene
AND NEITHER DO MOST SHOCK JOCKS.
Posted
8:31 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:19 AM
by Gene
The prognosticators of doom have been beating the drums of disaster of late, but as history has noted, the industry has more than bounced back from those ruts of yesteryear and will most likely do so again. Using 2004 numbers, annual admissions have increased by a stout 45% since 1985. News hacks will almost never tell the truth about three things: real estate, autos and show-biz. When the hacks work for a trade rag, the desire to obfuscate is magnified. Okay, flacks, maybe we're comparing apples and oranges, but let's not forget the rotten fruit the audiences of late have thrown at the screens. P. S. If the Census Bureau is to be believed, judging from your numbers (and what do you mean by admissions? Bodies in seats or dollars? You won't tell us? Par for the course) the moviegoing crowd has increased a not-so-stout just-over ONE PERCENT A YEAR. And God knows how many figures in show-biz are MADE UP.
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