THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
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Saturday, July 31, 2004
PINCH! unearths some more of His heroes, including poster ARTISTES whose work "bear[s] an image of a Godzilla-size George W. Bush rampaging through Midtown skyscrapers above the directive 'Fight Back!'"
Unfortunately for PINCH! and the artistes, Godzilla did strike. He wore a beard. And I don't think he can be fought with posters.
P. S. Here is LE ART. No BUSH=HITLER -- yet. (Maybe PINCH! could have His scribblers praise THAT.)
P. P. S.
Thought I should bring this up now that PAPEROFRECORD.com is inflicting FULL-SCREEN POP-UPS on its surfers.
Unfortunately for PINCH! and the artistes, Godzilla did strike. He wore a beard. And I don't think he can be fought with posters.
P. S. Here is LE ART. No BUSH=HITLER -- yet. (Maybe PINCH! could have His scribblers praise THAT.)
P. P. S.
Thought I should bring this up now that PAPEROFRECORD.com is inflicting FULL-SCREEN POP-UPS on its surfers.
OH oh, bloggers have ARRIVED:
In 2004 the traditional chorus of complaints has swelled with a fresh set of high, piping voices. These were the bloggers, nearly a hundred of them, or so I heard, who were granted press credentials and workstations and who arrived in Boston and set to work with the earnest, insouciant enthusiasm of the hobbyist, which is their chief charm. From what I've gathered over the last few years, clicking randomly from one blog to another, it is the job of a blogger to record his every neural discharge, faithfully and minutely, leaving no thought unpublished, no matter how uninteresting. Bloggers think and think and think and scribble and scribble and scribble, and yet at the Democratic National Convention, perhaps for the first time in their lives, they found themselves in a situation where, by general acclamation, there was nothing to think about! They were not deterred for long, needless to say. They started to think about why there was nothing to think about, and that was all they needed. They were off. Graphomania reclaimed its throne.
In 2004 the traditional chorus of complaints has swelled with a fresh set of high, piping voices. These were the bloggers, nearly a hundred of them, or so I heard, who were granted press credentials and workstations and who arrived in Boston and set to work with the earnest, insouciant enthusiasm of the hobbyist, which is their chief charm. From what I've gathered over the last few years, clicking randomly from one blog to another, it is the job of a blogger to record his every neural discharge, faithfully and minutely, leaving no thought unpublished, no matter how uninteresting. Bloggers think and think and think and scribble and scribble and scribble, and yet at the Democratic National Convention, perhaps for the first time in their lives, they found themselves in a situation where, by general acclamation, there was nothing to think about! They were not deterred for long, needless to say. They started to think about why there was nothing to think about, and that was all they needed. They were off. Graphomania reclaimed its throne.
Has anyone noticed that THEPAPEROFRECORD.com has gone the annoying full-screen pop-up route also?
NEWSWEEK POLL: DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION 2004 -- Kerry/Edwards Leads Bush/Cheney 52 to 44 Percent; Dems Receive Two-Point Margin Bounce in Two-Way Race, Four-Point Bounce in Three-Way Race
Repeat after us, America: it's better than nothing, it's better than nothing, it's better than nothing....
The everlovin' BOUNCES are within what these cranks love to call THE MARGIN OF ERROR -- in short, we have yet another survey meant to FOOL PEOPLE.
Repeat after us, America: it's better than nothing, it's better than nothing, it's better than nothing....
The everlovin' BOUNCES are within what these cranks love to call THE MARGIN OF ERROR -- in short, we have yet another survey meant to FOOL PEOPLE.
PROF and little are gleefully dancing (and exchanging notes) over DIP's "mis-step" with four Marines. Such incidents bother me because, whether the Marines like it or not, and whether they like HIM or not, DIP could be their boss. It behooves them to keep their mouths shut, otherwise if our soldiers become partisan, they lose authority; and as I've said before, a politicized military will be a factor if we ever fight a second Civil War -- which, given the way some people talk, is not entirely unlikely.
I wish I knew what STERNO's trying to say here. When you've worked half your career for Steve 'n' Gerry it must play mind games on you. Is STERNO saying DIP's honorable for campaigning on his 'Nam experience? Or dishonorable? Is STERNO trying to be ironic? Or isn't he? What are you saying, STERNO? Wish you were back at the pre-Warner "Time Inc."?
MORE INTREPID REPORTING FROM OMERTA:
If Sen. John F. Kerry gained ground among the uncommitted after four days of spectacle and urgent speeches at the Democratic convention in Boston, he had yet to seal the deal, a sample of undecided voters indicated Friday during interviews across the country.
The forceful tone of Kerry's acceptance speech — on points such as involving foreign allies in Iraq and protecting American jobs from outsourcing — made a strong impression on eight randomly selected registered voters.
Hey MERT! If you really want to decide the election you should quote ONE BLOGGER EXCLUSIVELY! I've an idea who you should start with.
If Sen. John F. Kerry gained ground among the uncommitted after four days of spectacle and urgent speeches at the Democratic convention in Boston, he had yet to seal the deal, a sample of undecided voters indicated Friday during interviews across the country.
The forceful tone of Kerry's acceptance speech — on points such as involving foreign allies in Iraq and protecting American jobs from outsourcing — made a strong impression on eight randomly selected registered voters.
Hey MERT! If you really want to decide the election you should quote ONE BLOGGER EXCLUSIVELY! I've an idea who you should start with.
KERRY FOR PRESIDENT (aka CURLEY'S [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] STOOGES) campaigns -- er, REPORTS A TIDAL WAVE OF REPUBLICANS IS SUPPORTING THE NOBLE DEMOCRATIC TICKET!!!!!
OR (NEXT-TO-LAST GRAF):
Clay Richards, assistant director of the Polling Institute at Quinnipiac University in Connecticut, says Kerry is getting about 11 or 12 percent of the Republican vote in Pennsylvania and New Jersey while Bush is drawing 9 or 10 percent of his support from Democrats, not a statistically significant crossover [!!!!!!!!!!!].
AND CURLEY'S STOOGES REPORTED ON DIP'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WITH ESP.
OR (NEXT-TO-LAST GRAF):
Clay Richards, assistant director of the Polling Institute at Quinnipiac University in Connecticut, says Kerry is getting about 11 or 12 percent of the Republican vote in Pennsylvania and New Jersey while Bush is drawing 9 or 10 percent of his support from Democrats, not a statistically significant crossover [!!!!!!!!!!!].
AND CURLEY'S STOOGES REPORTED ON DIP'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WITH ESP.
NOW THE FORCES OF CATHOLIC REACTION BATTLE FEMINISM! BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
PINCH! What are we going to DO about it? (I know: slant as usual.)
PINCH! What are we going to DO about it? (I know: slant as usual.)
I think it's time for the EAR BITER to look at himself in the MIRROR.
With that TATTOO he may not want to.
With that TATTOO he may not want to.
Friday, July 30, 2004
Here's why there's something slightly sickening about The Second Coming of Comden and Green: we may forgive youthful enthusiasm in youth, but it's hard to forgive it in fortysomethings who merely look like Comden and Green (or rather Comden and Oscar Levant, who played a Green-like figure in The Band Wagon). And the quite lyrical excerpt points to another problem:
Farmin' the land is the life for me
It calls me and I cain't say no
But I'd gladly forsake any shovel or rake
I'm in love with a wonderful hoe!
Oh, What [sic] beautiful corn! etc., etc., ETC.
It's very keeyute -- the kind of stuff Comden and Green could wiz off in a flash at a party with Lenny Bernstein. (The resemblance to "I Said Good Morning" is palpable, though not especially palatable.) But the Golden Age songwriters didn't get by on being keeyute. While The Second Coming of Comden and Green have evidently spent much of their career writing catch-as-catch-can chuckle lyrics to (no doubt) pastiche melodies, those long-deceased deathless masters had already written trunks full of songs, memorable songs, enduring songs. There is a difference between having connections and being inspired. Leaving aside that (as the article notes) the very industry structure that nurtured the Golden Age artists was dismantled long ago, neither Comden II and Green II nor any other would-be Broadway songwriter of our time will ever get anywhere because none of them has the slightest INSPIRATION.
Farmin' the land is the life for me
It calls me and I cain't say no
But I'd gladly forsake any shovel or rake
I'm in love with a wonderful hoe!
Oh, What [sic] beautiful corn! etc., etc., ETC.
It's very keeyute -- the kind of stuff Comden and Green could wiz off in a flash at a party with Lenny Bernstein. (The resemblance to "I Said Good Morning" is palpable, though not especially palatable.) But the Golden Age songwriters didn't get by on being keeyute. While The Second Coming of Comden and Green have evidently spent much of their career writing catch-as-catch-can chuckle lyrics to (no doubt) pastiche melodies, those long-deceased deathless masters had already written trunks full of songs, memorable songs, enduring songs. There is a difference between having connections and being inspired. Leaving aside that (as the article notes) the very industry structure that nurtured the Golden Age artists was dismantled long ago, neither Comden II and Green II nor any other would-be Broadway songwriter of our time will ever get anywhere because none of them has the slightest INSPIRATION.
Has anyone thought of compiling a list of the greatest pop-up-ad offenders and starting a boycott?
EXHIBIT 42,476 in "WHY NEWS HACKS CAN'T THINK":
Rove's Blunder
How Bush wrote Kerry's acceptance speech.
The Composite Candidate
Eight losers helped John Kerry write his acceptance speech.
We may assume, therefore, that EVERYBODY wrote the DIP's speech EXCEPT DIP.
Rove's Blunder
How Bush wrote Kerry's acceptance speech.
The Composite Candidate
Eight losers helped John Kerry write his acceptance speech.
We may assume, therefore, that EVERYBODY wrote the DIP's speech EXCEPT DIP.
Eric Rockwell and Joanne Bogart are roommates by necessity, best friends and collaborators in a dream as old as the Great White Way: They want to write a big-ticket musical and see it produced on Broadway. And then they want to write another.
Rockwell (on the phone with his agent): "We need an idea for a new show."
Bogart (rummaging through old videos): "How about a musical of 'Citizen Kane'?"
Rockwell: "I can hear the closing number — 'Everything's coming up Rosebuds.' "
Bogart: "Maybe you need a better punch line."
Rockwell: "Maybe you need a better idea!"
As one who dreamed of writing his own Broadway show can say, NUF SAID.
Rockwell (on the phone with his agent): "We need an idea for a new show."
Bogart (rummaging through old videos): "How about a musical of 'Citizen Kane'?"
Rockwell: "I can hear the closing number — 'Everything's coming up Rosebuds.' "
Bogart: "Maybe you need a better punch line."
Rockwell: "Maybe you need a better idea!"
As one who dreamed of writing his own Broadway show can say, NUF SAID.
In the old days, a statement like this by John "Rosemary Clooney is Square" Rockwell --
There is an obvious linkage between mass commercial art and politics, quite apart from individual actors and directors and pop musicians espousing a political view.
-- would have been carved into PAPER OF RECORD stone as the Word of G - PINCH, no further debate required. Still when he goes on to write,
But given the leftward tilt of Hollywood and our coastal cultural elites, the right has reason to complain that commercial television, films and music often advance a left-leaning political agenda.
we must recognize it as progress, however small, a grudging recognition that some people are, yes, right of THE PAPER OF RECORD.
There is an obvious linkage between mass commercial art and politics, quite apart from individual actors and directors and pop musicians espousing a political view.
-- would have been carved into PAPER OF RECORD stone as the Word of G - PINCH, no further debate required. Still when he goes on to write,
But given the leftward tilt of Hollywood and our coastal cultural elites, the right has reason to complain that commercial television, films and music often advance a left-leaning political agenda.
we must recognize it as progress, however small, a grudging recognition that some people are, yes, right of THE PAPER OF RECORD.
HOW AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS WRITE: a "stunningly passionate acceptance speech" that was "awfully dull at times."
TOM!!!!! Can't you go back to writing how FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is a threat to the republic with its steady stream of BRILLIANT NEW SERIES?
TOM!!!!! Can't you go back to writing how FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is a threat to the republic with its steady stream of BRILLIANT NEW SERIES?
At least two college athletic conferences have been contacted by the Department of Justice in connection with a possible antitrust investigation into ESPN's acquisition of college basketball and football contracts.
Da-da-DUT! Da-da-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa da DUT DUT!
Da-da-DUT! Da-da-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa da DUT DUT!
Miss America pageant axes talent routines
Last year, an all-time low 10.3 million viewers tuned in, marking a steady decline over the last few years.
It's all the same; I haven't watched since they fired Bert Parks.
Last year, an all-time low 10.3 million viewers tuned in, marking a steady decline over the last few years.
It's all the same; I haven't watched since they fired Bert Parks.
A SHEEPISH CORRECTION: I referred to the orator of Gettysburg as "Edward Everett Horton." (No known relation.) STUPIDE!
Vietnam is John Kerry's log cabin.
Whig candidates William Henry Harrison and John Tyler of Virginia were elected after a campaign in which Harrison was associated with humble life in a log cabin. Actually, Harrison, born at "Berkeley" plantation, and Tyler were originally Virginia patricians.
Whig candidates William Henry Harrison and John Tyler of Virginia were elected after a campaign in which Harrison was associated with humble life in a log cabin. Actually, Harrison, born at "Berkeley" plantation, and Tyler were originally Virginia patricians.
Dubya will respond by waving the menu from Wang's Restaurant.
For a politician, there's nothing like blue neckwear to assure potential voters -- but they've got to beware of those pale shades that convey wimpiness.
So how to explain another irrelevance of the speech: the red tie that looked pink?
So how to explain another irrelevance of the speech: the red tie that looked pink?
WELL, I sacrificed some sleep to watch P&G -- the Democratic Party roll out the NEW! IMPROVED!! DIPPITY-DO!!! It was a launch of staggering ineptitude: early on the looney left crowd seemed as completely bored as their audience, except when GEN. McCLELLAN stomped his feet and said we should get out of the QUAGMIRE!!!!!, or whatever he said; Sen. Morals had them clapping like frozen pancakes. Not even THE CLEANING LADY, full of LEGACY, could shake the crowd from its torpor; perhaps she was in another negotiation. After Lucas Spielberg's breathtakingly banal intro (with its expensively staged 8mm war footage) and MAX' exquisitely self-pitying downer the candidate launched into his imitation of Mr. Viagra's "Who Am I?" speech of '96. That senators cannot orate -- that virtually no politician can these days -- goes without saying (except among NEWS HACKS); but surely DIP could have said it in far less than the 55 minutes truncated to 42 because he was worried the BIG THREE would cut him off. Generations of school children studied the Gettysburg Address for a reason; the real lesson of that day in 1863, a lesson lost amidst the gas of newshackery and the Web and our age's infinite self-regard, is that Lincoln followed a "revered" speaker, Edward Everett, who eulogized for TWO HOURS, and whom the assembled dignitaries and flacks called BRILLIANT. (They virtually ignored Lincoln.) DIP would have spoken for two hours because he didn't know better. What he said I don't know, and I doubt he does either. Indeed the speech already languishes inert in history's landfill, and in short order so will the excesses and irrelevancies that cluttered it; the CPR on a hamster, the rock band, the marching up and down over 'Nam, the catwalk strutting of DIP's Sex and the City daughters, Bruce, THE SALUTE, the commuter-express delivery, "hair pollution," the f'in' balloon drop, all the manners of stupidity that mark this godawful age. A dead giveaway of its quality: JEFF GREENFIELD didn't exuberantly praise it.
Other than that, of course, it was
A BRILLIANT SPEECH.
Other than that, of course, it was
A BRILLIANT SPEECH.
Thursday, July 29, 2004
I didn't pay attention when Vir-GIN-ia first mentioned it, but it appears CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES have OUTDONE THEMSELVES: they've posted at least three stories reporting on DIP's speech IN THE PAST TENSE -- and HE HASN'T DELIVERED IT YET!!!!!
NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!
NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!
With ferocious defiance from a jail cell in Japan, chess legend Bobby Fischer has told authorities he is a German citizen with the documents to prove it, invoking his lineage to a German-born father in an attempt to stymie any U.S. extradition proceedings against him.
YOU CERTAINLY DO SOUND IT.
Under German law, anyone born before 1975 to a German father who was married at the time, is entitled to citizenship. And Germany's extradition treaties do not allow its citizens to be deported to face charges in other countries, German officials in Tokyo said.
I SMELL AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!
YOU CERTAINLY DO SOUND IT.
Under German law, anyone born before 1975 to a German father who was married at the time, is entitled to citizenship. And Germany's extradition treaties do not allow its citizens to be deported to face charges in other countries, German officials in Tokyo said.
I SMELL AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!
A rare find at the Whitney: $800G in workers' pockets
They must have thought it was ART.
Given its rep for PC I'm surprised the Whit had the two arrested.
They must have thought it was ART.
Given its rep for PC I'm surprised the Whit had the two arrested.
I don't care if Pierce Brosnan returns as Bond, I want to know if "MGM" emits more money-making masterworks like DE-Lovely!
Our fourth "news" event of the INFOMERCIAL: firemen got DIP's stepson out of a stuck elevator.
EXCITEMENT!
P. S. Typical wink-wink from RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:
Kerry Stepson Axed
EXCITEMENT!
P. S. Typical wink-wink from RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:
Kerry Stepson Axed
Our third "news" event of the INFOMERCIAL: a "scuffle" in the Illinois (?!?!?) delegation.
They'll be cheering tonight. SHUT UP.
They'll be cheering tonight. SHUT UP.
KERRY FOR PRESIDENT (aka CURLEY'S [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] STOOGES) STEPS ON IT:
"Strength is more than tough words," he was to say in a speech for the Democratic National Convention.
"We need to be looked up to and not just feared," the Massachusetts senator was to say in excerpts of his address obtained in advance by The Associated Press. "The future doesn't belong to fear; it belongs to freedom."
Hmmm, fear, future, freedom -- FRANCE!
"Strength is more than tough words," he was to say in a speech for the Democratic National Convention.
"We need to be looked up to and not just feared," the Massachusetts senator was to say in excerpts of his address obtained in advance by The Associated Press. "The future doesn't belong to fear; it belongs to freedom."
Hmmm, fear, future, freedom -- FRANCE!
The DOPE quit because he wanted to do DOPE!
Hey DOPE, you have the same set of priorities as EAR-BITER.
Hey DOPE, you have the same set of priorities as EAR-BITER.
The last time John Kerry gave a speech this important, he was 27 years old and testifying against the Vietnam War.
Bill! Bill KELLER!!!!!
He has spent weeks drafting and rewriting his speech in a longhand few aides can decipher, and has turned for help to two of John F. Kennedy's best-known speechwriters - Theodore C. Sorensen and Richard N. Goodwin - while relying more heavily on his top consultant, Robert Shrum, the author of Senator Edward M. Kennedy's most celebrated oratory.
Does that include, "IRAQ IS GEORGE BUSH'S VIETNAM, AND THIS COUNTRY NEEDS A NEW PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?
There have been plenty of unmemorable acceptance speeches, and some colossal duds - like George McGovern's 1972 "Come home, America" address, which came at 2 a.m., when most voters were asleep, and Walter F. Mondale's 1984 speech, in which he warned that both he and Ronald Reagan would raise taxes, saying: "He won't tell you. I just did."
"Unfortunately," observed Adam Walinsky, who was Robert Kennedy's speechwriter and coached Mr. Kerry on his 1971 testimony, "the ones that stick in the mind are the disasters."
Not to worry -- this should be A BRILLIANT SPEECH.
Bill! Bill KELLER!!!!!
He has spent weeks drafting and rewriting his speech in a longhand few aides can decipher, and has turned for help to two of John F. Kennedy's best-known speechwriters - Theodore C. Sorensen and Richard N. Goodwin - while relying more heavily on his top consultant, Robert Shrum, the author of Senator Edward M. Kennedy's most celebrated oratory.
Does that include, "IRAQ IS GEORGE BUSH'S VIETNAM, AND THIS COUNTRY NEEDS A NEW PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?
There have been plenty of unmemorable acceptance speeches, and some colossal duds - like George McGovern's 1972 "Come home, America" address, which came at 2 a.m., when most voters were asleep, and Walter F. Mondale's 1984 speech, in which he warned that both he and Ronald Reagan would raise taxes, saying: "He won't tell you. I just did."
"Unfortunately," observed Adam Walinsky, who was Robert Kennedy's speechwriter and coached Mr. Kerry on his 1971 testimony, "the ones that stick in the mind are the disasters."
Not to worry -- this should be A BRILLIANT SPEECH.
The Democratic Party stands for TRUTH:
The platform handles divisive issues by simply ignoring them. It does not even mention partial-birth abortion, gay marriage, capital punishment, Alaska oil drilling or the Kyoto global warming treaty. It is hard to believe that such staples of liberal ideology could be kept out of a Democratic platform, but they were.
TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY!
(Caveat: this IS Bob.)
The platform handles divisive issues by simply ignoring them. It does not even mention partial-birth abortion, gay marriage, capital punishment, Alaska oil drilling or the Kyoto global warming treaty. It is hard to believe that such staples of liberal ideology could be kept out of a Democratic platform, but they were.
TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY!
(Caveat: this IS Bob.)
Maturing Tyson Calm Ahead of Fight
Well, we all start as infants.
I wish I had the money he spent on his bathtub.
Well, we all start as infants.
I wish I had the money he spent on his bathtub.
Kerry's vision is remarkably unremarkable
NONETHELESS, George "MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS" Will, YOU will hog ESPNCorp Network's air and eructate that HE DELIVERED A BRILLIANT SPEECH TOO.
NONETHELESS, George "MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS" Will, YOU will hog ESPNCorp Network's air and eructate that HE DELIVERED A BRILLIANT SPEECH TOO.
REV! delivered a BRILLIANT SPEECH too.
WILL YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP?!?!? You wouldn't know a brilliant speech if it hit you on the head with a metaphor.
WILL YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP?!?!? You wouldn't know a brilliant speech if it hit you on the head with a metaphor.
OKAY, LEGENDARY C. DAVIS, YOU NOW HAVE PERMISSION TO THROW ALL YOUR COMPANY'S BACK CATALOG AND ANYTHING CLASSICAL AND JAZZ IN THE INCINERATOR -- ELVIS EXCEPTED.
(And after an embarrassing shoving match between the two "partners" he WILL run it.)
OR:
However, [FTC commissioner Mozelle] Thompson said the commission's investigation did not unearth enough evidence to block the venture and pointed out that "the growing clout among retailers may be enough to undermine" a collective power play by the major labels on the marketplace.
WISHFUL THINKING.
(And after an embarrassing shoving match between the two "partners" he WILL run it.)
OR:
However, [FTC commissioner Mozelle] Thompson said the commission's investigation did not unearth enough evidence to block the venture and pointed out that "the growing clout among retailers may be enough to undermine" a collective power play by the major labels on the marketplace.
WISHFUL THINKING.
Another BRILLIANT...oh never mind.
DIP's boys have been at it for MONTHS. Don't worry DIP, YOU'LL BE BRILLIANT TOO.
DIP's boys have been at it for MONTHS. Don't worry DIP, YOU'LL BE BRILLIANT TOO.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
SO, MRS. SUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGER's in the BIG-MEDIA BIZ. Doesn't that make you BIG MEDIA TOO, INST?
Quelle surprise: Boston businesses are suffering the Olympic Effect -- thanks to THE INFOMERCIAL.
So much for Rendelling.
So much for Rendelling.
I am thinking of changing my blog design template this weekend; maybe that will attract two or three more hits a day. So for anyone who may actually read me more than on the spur of the Blogger.com moment, don't be startled.
OOPS:
Mickey is reduced to quoting cab drivers. Jonah is writing about his hotel....[T]he notion that being there has any real journalistic merit is preposterous. Next time, the bloggers should save the money and switch to C-Span.
Another example.
Mickey is reduced to quoting cab drivers. Jonah is writing about his hotel....[T]he notion that being there has any real journalistic merit is preposterous. Next time, the bloggers should save the money and switch to C-Span.
Another example.
Whorvis Communications comes up with a brilliant new gag: an "Islamic force" to help sort out things in Iraq.
An Islamic force or a TROJAN HORSE?
An Islamic force or a TROJAN HORSE?
OKAY, okay, Sen. Obama said the right things last night (I'll give him credit), but I didn't get to hear them because I didn't want to be bored watching, and besides, when five million news hacks and ten zillion bloggers pull that "GREATEST SPEECH" gag you tend not to believe it by instinct.
It's official: the League of Arab Kleptocracies decides GENOCIDE IS NOT A PROBLEM.
AS IF!
The international furor over Darfur, where some 30,000 people have been killed in the last 18 months, has produced a backlash in the Arab world, where many suspect that the United States, Britain and their allies in Iraq have ulterior motives.
Hey Nima! You ought to get together with Tim Curry!
AS IF!
The international furor over Darfur, where some 30,000 people have been killed in the last 18 months, has produced a backlash in the Arab world, where many suspect that the United States, Britain and their allies in Iraq have ulterior motives.
Hey Nima! You ought to get together with Tim Curry!
Another non-partisan non-sectarian non-side-taking NOBEL-WINNING organization TAKES THE RIGHT SIDE.
And whatever NEWS HACKS may say, the stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb presence of DIP's ads in so many "mainstream" news Web sites (and especially in contentious stories like this) makes one question their impartiality -- as if their impartiality needed questioning.
And whatever NEWS HACKS may say, the stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb presence of DIP's ads in so many "mainstream" news Web sites (and especially in contentious stories like this) makes one question their impartiality -- as if their impartiality needed questioning.
4-year-old takes a ride on airport conveyor belt
We all have such dreams; alas, most of us aren't four years old. (At least physically.)
We all have such dreams; alas, most of us aren't four years old. (At least physically.)
Philippines summons Australian envoy over foreign minister's criticism
BUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBADOKBADOKKKKK!!!!!
BUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBUKBADOKBADOKKKKK!!!!!
Fox News loves replaying video of Heinz Kerry-reporter spat
And NEWS HACKS love replaying QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And NEWS HACKS love replaying QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But despite it all, these four days in July and four more in August exert a strange fascination. Because the delegates are actually people, and may go off-script at any time. Maybe even one of the pols will. Who knows when the human comedy might erupt, despite all the careful planning?
Problem is Paul, script or no script, we get comedy.
Problem is Paul, script or no script, we get comedy.
And how do we know the TOP BLOGS reinforce the CW? Because that flatulent pundit JEFF GREENFIELD "reads about a dozen blogs regularly" -- we can GUESS which ones -- and you KNOW he won't read something if it causes his constipation to flare up (although God knows his thinking is the equivalent).
And a big fat smooch to THE PROFESSOR for finding this; he was probably looking for his name.
And a big fat smooch to THE PROFESSOR for finding this; he was probably looking for his name.
PREDICTION: DIPPITY-DO does "A BRILLIANT JOB!!!!!!!!!!" whether he does or not.
Bloggers like PROF and STERNO and ANDY and BLEAT and the whole gang that thinks it'll LIVE FOREVER THROUGH TECHNOLOGY should consider the sad fate of so many CDs deteriorating in record collections everywhere. To be sure, it probably only affects a small fraction of all CDs ever sold, but by placing our cultural fate in something as impermanent as zeroes and ones we risk our culture vanishing without a trace. The Gutenberg Bible lives; Shakespeare's First Folio lives. They're on paper, a medium that can last for centuries and cannot be upgraded into oblivion. PROF and his stellar COMPANY can only live through upgrades, and eventually that white knight won't come to the rescue.
The cliches are coming thick and fast from the scribblers at and around the INFOMERCIAL! Now it's "SEN. OBAMA DID A BRILLIANT JOB!!!!!!!!!!" I recall back in THE YEAR OF THE WOMAN how CNN ran a puff piece on one of the shining stars of that year of reason and truth, how she would smile her way through the House with the infectious charm of her idealism. WELL! Guess who that idealist was? CYNTHIA "IIIII HAAAAAAAAATE JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWS" McKINNEY! And she's COMING BACK! I wonder when SEN. OBAMA will display his bona fides. (Plus he comes from Illinois, so he'll have plenty of opportunity to get corrupted.)
BAAAAAAAAAAAD NEWS:
The buzz around Obama, who is favored to become the first black male Democratic senator, resembles that around another Illinois Senate candidate, Carol Mosely-[SIC]Braun....
PFFH-HH-HH!!!!!
BAAAAAAAAAAAD NEWS:
The buzz around Obama, who is favored to become the first black male Democratic senator, resembles that around another Illinois Senate candidate, Carol Mosely-[SIC]Braun....
PFFH-HH-HH!!!!!
An apparent loophole in National Collegiate Athletic Association eligibility regulations is leading an increasing number of top recruits to intentionally fail to graduate from high school so they can improve their chances of playing sooner in college.
I'm shocked! SHOCKED that this should happen in so simon-pure a realm as professional college sport!
Hey Dickie V! These athletes may be DUMB but they're not THAT dumb!
I'm shocked! SHOCKED that this should happen in so simon-pure a realm as professional college sport!
Hey Dickie V! These athletes may be DUMB but they're not THAT dumb!
It's as simple as ABC: Preschool teachers should have a B.A.
Given the raging incompetence of so many K-12 teachers we may presume this is just another excuse to spread the wealth.
Given the raging incompetence of so many K-12 teachers we may presume this is just another excuse to spread the wealth.
Of course we didn't pay ransom, we merely secured the release of a hostage.
Big difference between confirming or denying what everyone KNOWS you did.
Big difference between confirming or denying what everyone KNOWS you did.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
More good news for America's CEOs:
Three dozen Athens restaurants fined for price-gouging
OR:
Charge it to my expense account!
Three dozen Athens restaurants fined for price-gouging
OR:
Charge it to my expense account!
OH WELL:
OH WELL: I was all enthused by the smart tactics of the Democrats on opening night, and then I find out almost no one watched it. No one even watched the ten o'clock hour, let alone what went before. A pity. This is too important an election to switch off.
"Almost no one watched it." I'll admit I've been guilty of that hyperbole myself; but judging as well as I can from Nielsen's statistical jibber jabber the three-network audience totaled 20 million, with addition millions doing the hip thing and watching on cable. Granted it's not 1952, and most of the people perhaps had their sets on for background noise, but this isn't chopped chicken liver (though Andy S.'s musings often are).
OH WELL: I was all enthused by the smart tactics of the Democrats on opening night, and then I find out almost no one watched it. No one even watched the ten o'clock hour, let alone what went before. A pity. This is too important an election to switch off.
"Almost no one watched it." I'll admit I've been guilty of that hyperbole myself; but judging as well as I can from Nielsen's statistical jibber jabber the three-network audience totaled 20 million, with addition millions doing the hip thing and watching on cable. Granted it's not 1952, and most of the people perhaps had their sets on for background noise, but this isn't chopped chicken liver (though Andy S.'s musings often are).
Techies Reshape 9/11 History
No thanks, I really don't want to see the WTC collapse ten million more times.
No thanks, I really don't want to see the WTC collapse ten million more times.
Officer's family finds closure; pain lingers
Today's the day for my NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY! Closure is a figment of the news hack's imagination. For victims of violent crime, it's just another word. (But then for the NEWS HACK every entry in the Merriam-Webster's is just another word.)
Today's the day for my NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY! Closure is a figment of the news hack's imagination. For victims of violent crime, it's just another word. (But then for the NEWS HACK every entry in the Merriam-Webster's is just another word.)
Con-SER-va-tives will have a FIELD DAY with THIS one: MASS TRANSIT (at least this project) CAUSES TRAFFIC JAMS!
Mass transit might work better if it were privatized -- except that in the early 20th century it was, and then it was a sinkhole of corruption. Six of one....
Mass transit might work better if it were privatized -- except that in the early 20th century it was, and then it was a sinkhole of corruption. Six of one....
Some Democrats are skipping the convention this week and distancing themselves from the national ticket.
Louisiana...Texas...North Carolina...South Dakota.
Yeah.
Louisiana...Texas...North Carolina...South Dakota.
Yeah.
It appears this election, like too many before it, will be decided not be the candidate but by his handlers.
(Sorry for the NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(Sorry for the NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Meantime on another high-flying cloud someone with aimless fingers types the notion that Sen. FATSO GLUB-GLUB is "LEGENDARY."
Typical NEWS-HACK BRAINLESSNESS:
Kennedy’s long record of liberal advocacy and his involvement in the 1969 Chappaquiddick incident that resulted in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, has [SIC] made him the villain of conservatives for four decades.
Let's REWORD THAT:
Kennedy’s involvement in the 1969 Chappaquiddick incident that resulted in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne has made him the villain of conservatives for four decades.
OR, an innocent woman's death is POLITICS. Proof most newshackery undergoes VIRTUALLY NO EDITING. And these jackasses wonder why their reps are below the used car pusher's?
P. S. DEFINITION ONE OF "LEGENDARY" IN THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY:
Somebody who's been around a long time whom we like.
Typical NEWS-HACK BRAINLESSNESS:
Kennedy’s long record of liberal advocacy and his involvement in the 1969 Chappaquiddick incident that resulted in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, has [SIC] made him the villain of conservatives for four decades.
Let's REWORD THAT:
Kennedy’s involvement in the 1969 Chappaquiddick incident that resulted in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne has made him the villain of conservatives for four decades.
OR, an innocent woman's death is POLITICS. Proof most newshackery undergoes VIRTUALLY NO EDITING. And these jackasses wonder why their reps are below the used car pusher's?
P. S. DEFINITION ONE OF "LEGENDARY" IN THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY:
Somebody who's been around a long time whom we like.
In a gushing press release from THE BLOOMY!!!!! (misspelled word corrected) one of P. R. MIKE'S intrepid publicists boasts that "A GALLUP ORGANIZATION POLL CONDUCTED JULY 8-11 FOUND THAT 56 PERCENT OF AMERICAN ADULTS HAD SEEN OR PLANNED TO SEE THE MOVIE, EITHER IN THEATERS OR ON VIDEO"!!!!!!!!!! But even the publicist admits only "12 million" have seen it -- or more accurately, there've been 12 million TICKETS SOLD to it (knowing movie fans and Democrats there are surely LOTS of repeat customers). 56 percent of American adults comes to what, 120 million people? NOT LIKELY. But then anything's possible when you're covering an INFOMERCIAL and have nothing else to do, except misspell words.
Ho-hum, THE PAPER OF RECORD isn't liberal again.
Not content for it to be fishwrapping, PINCH wants his paper to be THE SMELLIEST FISH.
Not content for it to be fishwrapping, PINCH wants his paper to be THE SMELLIEST FISH.
News hacks are the alchemists of our time; with words and guile and shamelessness they can alakazoom nothing into something, although when you try to touch the something it vanishes into thin air, leaving the reek of high salaries and toxic gas. We aren't day one into THE FIRST INFOMERCIAL and already the idiots can detect STRATEGY and MOVEMENT and blahblahblah, all the while nothing happening, and nothing will. The alchemy is best done by the likes of HOWELL, who has suddenly made a career of being a cross between THE GLIBERAL and MODO, albeit slightly more pompous. But he is far from the only one, as witness VLADY's effort to turn Legacy's latest platitudes into THE SPEECH OF THE CENTURY, albeit an expression of depthless EEEEEEEEEVIL. We should be happy we can never read all the alchemy that comes from such de facto nonexistent events, for the result would be an incurable headache, or a mind no longer on its tether.
Monday, July 26, 2004
The IDIOTS at USAOKAY! made a big mess for themselves by inviting THE YIN AND YANG OF SCREAMING PUNDITRY to write it commentaries. Apparently YIN has been disinvited for the Mike Kinsley of the right; but if YANG finds smooth sailing through THE McPAPER OF RECORD it won't be long before the wizards of Arlington will have to admit IT'S LIBERAL TOO. We'll be WATCHING.
I do not know what to think of the jug-eared deserter. Perhaps the North Koreans brainwashed him, entirely plausible; then again maybe he was a ne'er-do-well who cast his lot with tyrants. Possibly too he was a flat-out doofus. I do not know, and at this stage of the game I'm not compelled to care.
Why I will never succeed as a blogger: One of ANDY S.'s fans sums up in seventeen words why he supports THE DIP, so OF COURSE Andy spends 706 words saying 1. why he's not doing it and 2. why it's the honorable thing to do. (I'll presume, having not read his words, nor will I; melodrama's not my cup of tea.) In getting hits there's no substitute for verbiage, indeed for flat-out BLOVIATING, and I CANNOT VERBOSELY BLOVIATE. There are only so many seconds in the day.
P. S. In counting ANDY's words I discovered you can paste his invisible sentences into Word and IT CAN STILL COUNT THE WORDS! NEATO, BUGGY BILL! (Even better are the red and green squiggles that appear all over the pages! This is ART!)
P. P. S. I will not comment that in pasting ANDY's latest melodrama into Word only his headings and his admirer's comment are visible.
P. S. In counting ANDY's words I discovered you can paste his invisible sentences into Word and IT CAN STILL COUNT THE WORDS! NEATO, BUGGY BILL! (Even better are the red and green squiggles that appear all over the pages! This is ART!)
P. P. S. I will not comment that in pasting ANDY's latest melodrama into Word only his headings and his admirer's comment are visible.
I'm tuning in through the OFFICIAL WEB SITE. The feed works very well except for occasional pops in the sound. As for the infomercial, it's what you'd exzzzzzzzzpect, with dorky music.
How newsy is this INFOMERCIAL? Congresspoop Rosa "The Ethereal Beauty" DeLauro has someone post her speech on PRNewswire -- as she's making the speech!!!!! Oiiiiii!
The good news is, when it comes to the Web, our politicians, as in so many endeavors, haven't a clue.
Then again, given our increasingly high-tech life, maybe it isn't such a good thing.
Then again, given our increasingly high-tech life, maybe it isn't such a good thing.
How many Web sites are offering "expanded multimedia" for an event hardly anyone's going to watch?
No sooner do I post something about Ken Auletta and the Sycophants than THE PAPER OF RECORD finds ANOTHER Master of the Universe (only this one's a woman, praise PINCH, so I guess we must call her a MSTER). Don't news hacks "kiss up" enough people with delusions of grandeur?
We're on a ROLLLLLLLL today at AdAge.com! First a story on LOWSY MAYS's favorite patron, P&G, introducing a dog food that makes puppies smarter! Puppies? How about some of the mangy mutts in Cincinnati who finance so much doggie-doo TV? And speaking of wasting money, THREE STORIES on how the owner of Six Flags made these FANTASTIC COMMERCIALS -- but they didn't help sales because its parks are in disrepair!
And the political parties waste zillions on infomercials! Hmmm.
And the political parties waste zillions on infomercials! Hmmm.
"GOOG" = $36.25 BILLION!!!!!!!!!!
Translation:
$500 KAZILLION!!!!!!!!!!
Translation in two years:
DON'T ASK.
At the Baghdad Academy of Fine Arts, which Mr. Abbas attends, the school play last semester explored the HUMILIATION of the American occupation....
WHOOOOOOOOOOPS! Wrong URL. (Second time I've done that.)
WHOOOOOOOOOOPS! Wrong URL. (Second time I've done that.)
Our first "news" of the infomercial: Mrs. Heinz tells a NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!! sympathizer to SHOVE IT.
It's gonna be a LONNNNNNNNNNG campaign.
It's gonna be a LONNNNNNNNNNG campaign.
Talk about obsessive-compulsive syndrome : how can FOUR! COUNT 'EM! FOUR! political newspapers put out a combined sixteen days worth of "news" from THE DEMOCRATIC INFOMERCIAL? What will they be covering -- belly-button-lint formation?
OR:
"Sure, there's no real news at the convention,'' said John Fox Sullivan, the president and publisher of National Journal....
Yep, that's what they'll be covering.
OR:
"Sure, there's no real news at the convention,'' said John Fox Sullivan, the president and publisher of National Journal....
Yep, that's what they'll be covering.
TEAR DOWN THE WALL -- SIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!
SANCTIONS AGAINST SUDAN -- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Isn't a benbot some sort of computer virus?
SANCTIONS AGAINST SUDAN -- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Isn't a benbot some sort of computer virus?
Sunday, July 25, 2004
The price of a gallon of regular is down almost one cent in the past two weeks to $1.92 a gallon, Lundberg Survey gasoline analyst Trilby Lundberg said.
Since late May, the cost of gasoline has fallen 15 cents, Lundberg said.
There goes that strategy.
Since late May, the cost of gasoline has fallen 15 cents, Lundberg said.
There goes that strategy.
One of the idiot Capulets and Montagues who caused the Troubles has met his maker, and while most Christian churches do not have the equivalent of seventy-two Helen Thomases -- virgins one may hope so.
Today I was perusing excerpts from one of the great soundtracks of one of the truly great movie musicals ever -- Lucille Ball in Mame (pffh-hh-hh) -- when suddenly I thought of one of the great men of all time who produced it, the LEGENDARY funeral director and quasi-Mafioso Steve Ross, veritable founder and chairman of the quagmire now called Time Warner. So I looked his name up in Google. Of the first hundred entries only six have anything to do with him. I then looked him up in Google Images. Of the first hundred images only three show his face. (Steven J. Ross [one of his aliases] in quotations didn't fare much better; I got 1,940 hits, and quite a few people share the name.) Before Ken Auletta and the Sycophants make another hero of another Master of the Universe, we should ponder this one's fate, and how, in their eagerness to create empires surpassing those in their own minds, such Masters pulled the whole culture down with them, and left nothing but DROSS.
P. S. I think Ross would be proud of the way Warner Music's marketed this album. Rhino sold this as a "limited edition" release for $19.98 -- and then Warner "LICENSED" it to Collectors' Choice Music, which sells it for $12.95. Is it any wonder people pirate CDs?
P. S. I think Ross would be proud of the way Warner Music's marketed this album. Rhino sold this as a "limited edition" release for $19.98 -- and then Warner "LICENSED" it to Collectors' Choice Music, which sells it for $12.95. Is it any wonder people pirate CDs?
The admission by THE PAPER OF RECORD's public 'editor' that his employer is LIBERAL is less earth-shattering than it would first appear. We should remember that ombudspoops are essentially employed to deflect criticism of their rags and little else. As I wrote over a year ago,
There's no difference between the Jack the Wizened Prune's ratings system and the powerless, self-serving ombudsmen at most newspapers; both are intended...to appease, and to create a fiction of responsible behavior, not to serve the public.
Anything ombudspoops say that might seem the slightest defensive should therefore be taken as mere spin. The Public 'Editor' has no power at THE PAPER OF RECORD. PINCH does, his real editors do, his reporters do. THE PAPER OF RECORD employs hundreds of them. The power still lies with THE INSTITUTION -- and with the HUNDREDS of OTHER INSTITUTIONS that repeat its word as GOSPEL. Moreover one of PINCH's top factotums says THE PAPER OF RECORD isn't liberal; whether she's lying or truly believes it doesn't matter; the whole press business shares her discomforting position. No, THE PAPER OF RECORD has changed precious none since L'Affaire Blair. We can hardly expect much more change even if the package reads "Guaranteed Liberal or Your Money Back."
There's no difference between the Jack the Wizened Prune's ratings system and the powerless, self-serving ombudsmen at most newspapers; both are intended...to appease, and to create a fiction of responsible behavior, not to serve the public.
Anything ombudspoops say that might seem the slightest defensive should therefore be taken as mere spin. The Public 'Editor' has no power at THE PAPER OF RECORD. PINCH does, his real editors do, his reporters do. THE PAPER OF RECORD employs hundreds of them. The power still lies with THE INSTITUTION -- and with the HUNDREDS of OTHER INSTITUTIONS that repeat its word as GOSPEL. Moreover one of PINCH's top factotums says THE PAPER OF RECORD isn't liberal; whether she's lying or truly believes it doesn't matter; the whole press business shares her discomforting position. No, THE PAPER OF RECORD has changed precious none since L'Affaire Blair. We can hardly expect much more change even if the package reads "Guaranteed Liberal or Your Money Back."
What if someone wins this snoozefest in the popular vote but loses in the Electoral College?
Will George "MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS" Will bloviate on "the WISDOM of the Founders"?
Will George "MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS" Will bloviate on "the WISDOM of the Founders"?
Voters Are Very Settled, Intense and Partisan, and It's Only July
Just because you news hacks spend all your time with others screaming and cheering and stomping their feet for P. R. MIKE doesn't mean we're THAT angry.
Just because you news hacks spend all your time with others screaming and cheering and stomping their feet for P. R. MIKE doesn't mean we're THAT angry.
Lucas gets 'Revenge' for next 'Star Wars' film
That's the problem with Lucas Spielberg: every time It makes a film It gets REVENGE.
That's the problem with Lucas Spielberg: every time It makes a film It gets REVENGE.
The [Australian] Foreign Minister, Alexander Downer, today blamed decisions by the Philippines and Spain to pull out of Iraq for a terrorist group's threat to hit Australia with lines of car bombs.
Or as DR. EVIL would say, any time we can make enemies we must be doing something right.
Or as DR. EVIL would say, any time we can make enemies we must be doing something right.