Posted 2:31 PM by Gene

I suppose one could look upon sprawl as a natural condition of mankind. Our nation was founded on sprawl; our forebears wanted to get away from the smelly, grimy cities like London for land and an opportunity; in time, the pioneers wanted to get away from the smelly, grimy cities like New York and Philadelphia for the same reason, and so on and so on, in smaller and smaller increments, until now America's one big interstate and shopping mall and subdivision with nothing in between. Strange, though: the people of Asia seem to like their smelly, grimy cities, perhaps as they already realize in time all those suburbs will become smelly, grimy places of their own, as a few already have.

Posted 11:32 AM by Gene

"I have done an excellent job in every area."

I guess that would depend upon your definition of "excellent."

Certainly the buyout is.

Posted 10:33 AM by Gene

Great: Our recorded-SOUND biz was so busy producing new GENIUS and trying to fill our jails with file sharers that people can't get away from its product fast enough, meaning less retail space for it, meaning fewer sales, meaning....

File sharing, anyone?

P. S. The news isn't all bad; there are lots of wonderful expensive "limited-edition" box sets the industry can use to goose sales -- so we're told by ad-blurbists bulging with free copies.

Posted 10:29 AM by Gene

You learn something new every day:

The affair even raised questions about the mayor's name. "Villaraigosa" is a merger of his name, Antonio Villar, and his wife's maiden name, Corina Raigosa. Although the mayor's wife filed divorce papers in June, Villaraigosa said he would not change his name back. [Twentieth graf]

A mayor with an unhyphenated hyphenated name had an unhyphenated affair. Appropriate.

Who wants to bet this bozo stages a media-aided "comeback"?

Posted 10:21 AM by Gene

Geez, the Millionaires' Strike is starting to play tricks on THE CONSPIRACY.

More tricks!

Posted 10:18 AM by Gene

And speaking of China's other government, it now has lots of lobbyists, and is therefore officially hateworthy.

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

And speaking of SLIME -- HORRORS:

I can tell you nothing concrete about a journalist called Hugo Rifkind, and I merely suspect that he is the son of one Malcolm Rifkind, a member of Parliament and once foreign secretary, a Conservative – not that you’d know it from anything he says. Hugo Rifkind has a column in The Times, and an unlovely mixture of gossip and sneering it is too. For Thanksgiving, this creepy fellow published a photograph of President Bush bending with good humor over a turkey in the ceremony of “pardoning” it. The caption has the lines, “Obviously, we don’t need to tell you which is which. Or do we?” New depths of shame are plumbed all the time these days, but I must say I didn’t imagine that the Times [SIC], not long ago a serious paper, could sink so low. Rupert Murdoch is the owner of the Times [SIC], and if he approves of such a cheap shot his new acquisition, the Wall Street Journal [SIC], will soon become unrecognizable as well.

This IS a disgrace. How can such a true CONSERVATIVE do this? Why would he allow such filth in his papers?!?

Perhaps because He ISN'T a conservative?

Posted 10:08 AM by Gene

"Everything is going up, so why should we stop?"

Wall Street Casino! You have competition from Belly Kisser!

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

The government of Wal-Mart gives thanks for our imports by refusing to let our aircraft carrier dock in Hong Kong.

This might be the first cold war where the combatants are mercantile "friends".

Posted 9:55 AM by Gene

"[W]ith the help of focus groups, public-relations advisers and expressions like "mate" and 'fair dinkum,'" SLIME has a new prime minister. Will we have to curse Him for this too?

P. S. Now SLIME says the former Aussie PM pulled a Republican. Taxes is taxes, spending is spending, Republicans is Democrats. This is true everywhere.

Posted 7:59 PM by Gene

In a sign of the skepticism, even among close U.S. allies, the Saudi foreign minister cautioned that there would be no public handshakes with Israeli officials at the gathering Tuesday in Annapolis, Md.

Hey Condi! I think we've accomplished something!

Posted 7:54 PM by Gene

Let's see: the father's still pulling some strings, and we think the son's still in his father's ministry biz -- so what does this change?

(Via ASSPress)

Posted 7:13 PM by Gene

Aw, SHUCKS:

A Paris prosecutor has thrown out a complaint against former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld for torture in Iraq and at the U.S. military detention camp at Guantanamo Bay, a lawyer for one of the four groups that filed the case said Friday.

How will justice EVER be served?

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!

Posted 6:24 PM by Gene

The vessel — on an expedition to trace the doomed route of the explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton....

What would you call this -- a fun disaster cruise?

Posted 1:26 PM by Gene

A rrrrrrrrrock crrrrrrrrri-TIC for the Bos-TON Phoe-NIX ERUCTS:

But there are times when you just can't stop the bones from showing through. All Elvis-heads, for example, remember with sorrow the night of June 21, 1977, when the King, opening a show in Rapid City, S.D., got lost in the spoken word section of "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" A ghastly piece of footage: Elvis is six weeks from death, heavy-faced and desolate in his white sunburst jumpsuit. A choir croons behind him, repeating the song's melodic motif, bearing him aloft on soft pulses of seraphic cheese even as his eyes close and his sweat runs like tears: "You forgot the words, they'd been changed, you fool. ... Honey? Who'm I talkin' to?" Elvis is in deep, deep trouble, dying on his feet. Fumbled jokes, an abortive sense of interior monologue—the colossal solitude of the man seems to thicken the air around him. "And now the stage is bare, and I'm standing there, without any hair. ... Huh, huh. ... Ah, the heck with it." As if from a mile away, the audience titters.

Heck we just watched the (pirated) video, Mistuh Crrri-TIC, and to our layman eyes The King didn't look "six weeks from death", and we doubt the audience sensed imminent death either, and they seemed to laugh along, however reflexively. Yes he's plump, and he sweats like a mule in a heat wave, and he makes painful contortions with his face, and he screws up his lines, and yes we can see why it's a general embarrassment -- but what strikes us is he still mostly had his voice at the end. If only he'd taken better care of himself -- but I guess then he wouldn't have been ELVIS.

And rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrock crrrrrrrrrri-TICS of the Bos-TON Phoe-NIX couldn't have ERUCTED.

One neat think about being a rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrock crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrri-TIC for the Bos-TON Phoe-NIX: you get to use four-letter words next to ADS FROM AMTRAK! (Heck if they don't care about their trains, do you'd think they'll care about that?)

Posted 1:01 PM by Gene

Understatement of the Week:

Thompson motivation hard to pinpoint

Posted 1:00 PM by Gene

Shhh, don't say anything, but -- we think THE SLUMP is going to continue -- with or without Doris Day!

Happily PAUL DRECK can blame it on the economy. That's right, the economy! The economy forced THE CONSPIRACY to make all these JUNK PICTURES!

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

We celebrate NATIONAL AIRPLANE CRAMMING, TURKEY GORGING, FOOTBALL GAZING AND BANGING DOWN THE STORES' DOORS AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT DAY because 144 years ago some president issued a proclamation. That we haven't the foggiest idea why a president would issue such a proclamation makes it easier to gorge on the turkey and camp out at Wal-Mart. Indeed if we had the least idea why a certain president issued this proclamation we might not see this day as just another justification for mindless spending and family arguments. We can so easily forget our great traditions' antecedents because they mean virtually nothing to us. Christmas ceased to have a connection with anything religious decades ago, and the similar justification to this day -- some folks in funny clothes with funny guns colliding with a rock someplace -- would seem laughable except it had something to do with us becoming the Superman of nations. Inevitably we would forget past struggles; The "Good" War was so increasingly long ago it may have happened on another planet. But we're so blind to the past now that when it comes history's time to repeat itself we'll just do as Dubya does, flail, make a platitude, and hope the people mindlessly spending can save us. We could do worse than humble ourselves to God, as Lincoln did, and hope He is still prepared to save our nation, as unworthy as we've more often become of it.

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

Amy Adams: New Julie Andrews? [Home-page squib]

That the press agents who make up the newspaper entertainment staffs have to resort to familiar names to sell the latest fantastic superstars says if they're half as brilliant as the press agents say they should not have to sell them this way. The deadly LIKE means in ten years people will have trouble knowing who they were. And I don't care how much LIKE Julie Andrews this brilliant new actress may be; so long as we have the real one on CDs and DVDs it will not do to have a mere copy. Indeed that Col.'s armies are so desperate to move their toilet paper in digital form that this morning they likened her to Doris Day in the EXACT SAME HOME-PAGE SPOT AS THIS LINK. It does no one any good to thusly inflate reputations, not least those of us who have no reason to buy show-biz' deathless visions as it is. I've said it a zillion times: the hacks' obsession with selling only underlines their obsession with spinning, and doubly confirms on the best of days they can be no better than dishonest.

(This post replaces an earlier one in which I assumed the New DorisDayJulieAndrews couldn't sing; her new megamasterpiece is some kind of "musical" -- as if something with "songs" by MR. WICKED can be musical.)

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Unwitting proof the -- progressive movement's platform is infested with termites:

But even if I wanted to write as an apologist for the unruly, radical, left-wing "base" of the Democratic Party, I would be a poor messenger for that apology. I have too much equity in my home, and appreciate too much both the medical discoveries and technological wonders that only entrepreneurship can produce. I wouldn't be a credible spokesman for any Lenin other than John. As a progressive son of the South, I also know what red clay looks like. And as far as I know, I was the only person to speak this year at the annual conventions of both the Democratic Leadership Council and the Yearly Kos--rendering me, I suppose, the only progressive ever to triangulate in his pajamas.

Posted 12:50 PM by Gene

Saudi Arabia and Libya, both considered allies by the United States in its fight against terrorism, were the source of about 60 percent of the foreign fighters who came to Iraq in the past year to serve as suicide bombers or to facilitate other attacks, according to senior American military officials.

WITH ALLIES LIKE THESE....

Posted 6:49 PM by Gene

Belly Kisser has "lashed out" at the West -- and we're sure an attempted rubout of an opponent is totally unrelated.

Posted 6:34 PM by Gene

Speaking of disclosure, if you're a state employee your salary should be public knowledge -- even if you're the "LEGENDARY" St. JoePa.

Posted 6:28 PM by Gene

I'm glad the ASSPress was able to forthrightly disclose "What Gets `Hannah Montana' in Trouble" -- unfortunately it's not far from two stories in its continuing obfuscation of what got Bilal Hussein in trouble.

Posted 3:58 PM by Gene

And the solution to our stink-up-the-gym newspaper comics is "EDGY", meaning the WALL STREET JOURNALS under SLIME will be just as clueless as they are now.

(Via the edgy Romy)

Posted 3:54 PM by Gene

The Loco Pollos' appeasement may not have worked:

The Madrid attack had been quite deliberately timed to precede Spanish presidential elections by a few days. Spanish voters duly voted out Bush-supporting Prime Minister José María Aznar and replaced him with Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, who promptly moved to pull Spanish troops from Iraq. This gesture, widely viewed as unconscionable appeasement in the United States, was equally widely applauded in Spain as prudently securing the country's safety. It was followed several weeks later, however, by the discovery of wires strung across the Seville-Madrid rail line in preparation for another bombing--casting doubt on the confident predictions of safety through appeasement and suggesting that terrorist aspirations were more ambitious than merely securing Spain's withdrawal from Iraq.

Did you hear about this one? I didn't.

Posted 3:51 PM by Gene

A very tearful obit from the ASSPress, which we post in full (if CURLEY [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] won't mind):

Celebrity publicist Paul Wasserman, the music industry giant known as “Wasso” whose clients included the Rolling Stones, the Who, Linda Ronstadt, Bob Dylan and Neil Diamond, died Nov. 18 of respiratory failure in Los Angeles. He was 73.

During his four-decade career, Wasserman represented Lee Marvin, Dennis Hopper, Jack Lemmon, Jack Nicholson and George C. Scott. He also publicized such films as “Cat Ballou,” ''Easy Rider,” ''Annie Hall” and “Star Wars.”

But he made his biggest mark as a music publicist. The Mamas and the Papas, James Taylor, Paul Simon and Tom Petty were represented by him.

“He was one of the first ones to sort of accept and represent the new school of rock ‘n roll, so he was able to use the so-called old-school tools that he had in representing this new breed of people,” music producer Lou Adler told the Los Angeles Times.

But an investment scheme ended his career in 2000. Wasserman was jailed for using the names of famous clients like Nicholson and U2 to swindle some of his closest non-celebrity friends.

In November 2000, Wasserman pleaded guilty to a felony grand theft count and he was sentenced to six months in jail, placed on five years’ probation and ordered to pay nearly $87,000 in restitution.

A graveside service will be held Nov. 28 at Mount Sinai Memorial Park.

Posted 3:38 PM by Gene

NASA today said it has built a tiny, low-cost satellite it says will be ideal for adventure seekers or companies with high-tech space applications who need to get into space quickly and relatively inexpensively.

The Fast, Affordable, Science and Technology SATellite (FASTSAT) is 39.5 inches in diameter - not much larger than an exercise ball. It is hexagonally shaped and clocks in at a little less than 200 Lbs. It can carry a payload up to 110 Lbs....

NASA said FASTSAT is just the right size for earth observing missions, space science missions, and technology demonstrations. "We think we can do whole missions for less than $10 million instead of the traditional $100s of millions, and that includes the launch vehicle, the satellite, and the widget you want to test," said Marshall Space Flight Center's Edward "Sandy" Montgomery in a release.

So why must we continue to waste trillions on the Orbiting Jalopy and the Orbiting Scrap Metal Yard, whose main purpose is widget testing?

(Via Slashdot)

Posted 3:31 PM by Gene

This is apparently a new fad among our pea-brained governors: to privatize lotteries. Great idea: we combine the public sector's spendthriftiness with the private sector's corruption. (Or is that the other way around?) Shucks Mitch, we'd have gone ahead with it.

Posted 3:01 PM by Gene

I just got Volumes 3 and 4 of the Looney Tunes Golden Collection (I'd have gotten Volume 5 if Amazon.com had had that on sale) and aside from Whoopi Goldberg's notorious disclaimer (notorious for the disclaimer and the disclaimerer) came this one on both boxes:

THE LOONEY TUNES GOLDEN COLLECTION...IS INTENDED FOR THE ADULT COLLECTOR AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

Could I have asked Leon Schlesinger or Frank Tashlin if their cartoons were suitable for children they'd likely have given me a blank stare. (No pun intended.) Clearly they weren't made for children; they were made for an audience that counted children, but they were also made for adults. In short, they were made for a mass audience. They were no more made "for children" than the brilliant rotogravure comics of the twenties and thirties. The audience for cartoons started bifurcating when the dread Famous Studios aimed its output squarely at kids. Who in his right mind would let any child see a maudlin and upsetting excretion like "There's Good Boos Tonight"? This is unsuitable for any audience of any age. Yet presumably this is "suitable for children" because someone said so. Thus began the destructive notion that a show-biz property cannot be made suitable for the whole, in time perfected by JACK's Hell-invented idea that there is virtue in age segregation. Of course the disclaimer also owes to how the equally infernal Associated Artists Productions (and its successor United Artists) just THREW Warners' and Paramount's cartoons onto the tube indiscriminately as filler for Kansas City Stars, so overexposing them as to help breed the belief that cartoon violence causes real violence. And only now through superb technology do we get to know just how good the best of these are -- but because of their excess baggage we have to feel almost ashamed to like them, and worse, to let our children join in the laugh.

Posted 9:37 AM by Gene

No, I do not want to imagine an eight-foot-long scorpion -- or "monster millipedes...colossal cockroaches, and jumbo dragonflies" either.

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

"WE CAN'T WIN MILITARILY!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!"

You shut up too, Congrespoop Respected Ex-Marine Pork-Piling ABSCAMMER.

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

JFK Lincoln says he'll spend $18 billion fixing ehdyukayshun, after we've spent umpteen $18 billions fixing ehdyukayshun.

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

And on the pavement-pounding front:

On Hollywood Blvd., Bowman stressed that the WGA's new-media proposals would have cost the companies less over the three years than the $82 million severance package for one unnamed mogul.

Or ten new movie scripts!

We have no favorites in this particular conflagration. It's hard to when both sides can go to hell in equal measure.

Posted 9:10 AM by Gene

Another marketing maven offers excuses (ten of them) why her profession stinks, and why it will continue to believe in all the old wives' tales, especially when it comes to financing junk HIP television.

And forgive us our ignorance but we did not realize the ERIC SEVAREID of COMEDY's "PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN" was sponsored by PEPSICO -- a fact a lot of news hacks failed to mention. Here's another reason we hope these "writing" clowns pound the pavement all the way to China.

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

A big day today at MediaBistro: First, we learn Drunken Slob has hired a PR guy. Why? Aren't Jeff "MENSA" Greenfield and Howie Hairshirt and Sen. Morals and Ken Felatta and SCREAMER Carville and all those other assorted always-on sycophantic frauds enough to restore his rep? Isn't having a 21-SECOND DELAY PR enough? Second, somebody who shares a last name with the frizzy-haired Stooge does his best Jonny Hairshirt impersonation and furrows his frizzes because David Brooks of "the New York TImes" [SIC] doesn't "get" po-PU-lar culture. Here are two more pundits debating the merits of Coke vs. Pepsi -- and I can't tell the difference because it sounds as though they'd both say rotten "music" is pretty good. (Though we must confess this is a singularly stupid column even by Paper of Re-CORD standards.) Third, MOVEON.ORG!!!!!!!!!! is staging a protest rally against Facebook -- on Facebook. These guys are almost as good at getting publicity as the "Rev." Sharpton.

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

Propelled by little more than his message and political skills, Republican presidential contender former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has vaulted into a statistical dead heat for first place in crucial, first-in-the-nation caucus state Iowa, according to a new ABC News/Washington Post poll.

TRANSLATION: WHY AREN'T THERE ANY DECENT CANDIDATES THIS TIME?!?!?

Posted 8:31 AM by Gene

Little Jeffy brings His patented Imagineering GE Bancorp usury to HEALTH CARE!!!!!

We hope He and the other malevolent smirkers get burned just as they got burned with SUBPRIMES.

Posted 8:20 AM by Gene

The Branson East strike may be a LONG one -- because the theme-park owners are represented by the same HARD-CORE law firm that led New York's transit authority into a "disastrous" strike two years ago! (So this says.)

As for the notion that this is a calamity, well, I think we can counter that:

[T]he woes on Broadway aren't merely caused by industrial action. My latest visit, just before the strike kicked in, confirmed my suspicion that the Broadway musical, at its best a form of popular entertainment that reaches the realms of high art, is in a state of possibly terminal decline.

Originality and panache have been largely replaced by rip-offs from old movies, or juke-box shows featuring songs the audience already know.

One of the shows still running during the strike is Xanadu, a surprise hit based on a terrible old film starring Olivia Newton-John. The plot concerns an ancient Greek muse who inspires a present-day Californian artist to create a roller disco. The show - one of the most cynical and shabbily produced I have ever seen on Broadway - is just an excuse for a supercilious snigger and loads of knowing camp.

The artist is played by a handsome hunk in shorts to keep the gay men and the teenage girls who comprise most of the audience happy, and there's a perfunctorily performed score of old ELO hits and a starlet with perky breasts and a terrible Australian accent to lull lecherous middle-aged men into a stupor.

The jokes misfire, the dialogue isn't nearly as sharp as it fondly imagines, and the whole lazy show should have been eviscerated by the critics. Instead both the New York Times and the New Yorker have hailed it as a feast of fun and the producers can't believe their luck.

When intelligent reviewers start praising dross, you know a culture is in trouble. To have moved from West Side Story to Xanadu in half a century strikes me as tragic, and this ghastly little show seems symptomatic of a disastrous failure of vision in commercial theatre on both sides of the Atlantic.

But of course Branson East stumbles blind -- all the way to the bank, as they say. At least it did. And this sums up why we hope for a long bitter strike there too.

(Second link via ArtsJournal)

Posted 6:05 PM by Gene

Look at all the states and cities that poured THEIR money into SIVs!

Didn't they ever think of the name? Didn't they ever think?

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

Ian Smith, the last prime minister of Rhodesia, who happily, and for the extreme good of mankind, and the everlasting joy of his people, vacated his office for the brave and noble Robert Mugabe, has died. RIP.

To many white Rhodesians, he was "good old Smithy." To most blacks, HIS RULE SYMBOLIZED THE WORST OF RACIAL OPPRESSION!!!!!!!!!! [Freedom-fighting overemphasis added]

The ASSPress takes the right side again -- indeed, with that anonymous byline from ZIMBABWE we can be sure its truth-telling stringers won't ever take the WRONG side.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Perhaps our government should not have jailed Bilal Hussein for nineteen months. We would agree our brass asses have not burnished their reps by being none too forthcoming about why they've held him for so long or what charges he would face. But we would not put it past CURLEY [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] to think Himself superior to our government, or that the FRRRRREE-DOM of the PRRRRRRRRESSSSS should always trump our national security; nor would we put it past the hacks to support Bilal just because he was in with the in crowd, as being an insurgent is every bit as good as being HIP.

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

Because the scientists were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about AIDS, and because the scientists were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about embryonic stem cells, we can say the scientists are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Since when did science turn into an atheistic religious cult?

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

This is no slip of the tongue, or a mere ham-fisted attempt at oratory. Because WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING -- IT'S...THE ONLY THING, a coach is correct to liken a loss to Pearl Harbor or 9/11; it is treason to his skool, his fans, his ALUMNI -- and treason (especially treason to the ALUMNI) is punishable by a good dose of self-inflicted INFAMY.

We need not go just to Hollywood or the luxury suites to know why America's head isn't screwed on right; we need go to the Taj Mahals of professional college sport, and the richly appointed inner sanctums of its CEOs.

Posted 1:38 PM by Gene

Wait a second! I thought we were winning in Iraq! Why are we doing the please-pretty-please with Iran again?

Con-DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Posted 11:49 AM by Gene

Isn't it enough for Haier to be the Chinese Whirlpool?

Posted 11:43 AM by Gene

Rome has more history underground than most cities have above it.

Posted 11:28 AM by Gene

They must be KICKING themselves at THE MESS: our favorite overexposed loudmouth Rosie called Dubya a "war criminal"!

But count on our favorite PR man Rog to put a happy face on it: I mean, she does so much good for people!

Hey Honorary President Mike! Ready to have her campaign?

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

Where Have Burma's Monks Gone?

Gooooooooooooooooooooood question!

Posted 9:12 AM by Gene

There is one solution to foreground muzak: complain. It may seem useless when it's so prevalent, but people should complain. At the very least they should complain to the manager when it's too loud (as it often is). And when a chain like Mickey D's or WalgreenCVSRongAid must play Billy Joel's "Big Shot" thousands of times, call the 800 number and complain. This isn't a joke. Bad music is an essential component of the aural pollution that adds such stress to our lives. Lord Elton's earned enough royalties.

Posted 5:40 PM by Gene

A certain blogging law professor must be EXCITED!!!!!: Somebody's come up with a method of making "SUPERSTRONG CARBON NANOTUBE FIBERS!!!!!" that are "potentially strong enough to stop bullets", meaning the BUNSEN HONEYDEWS can devise a means of implanting or grafting or cloning or whatever this material in humans, making bulletproof cops -- and ultimately bulletproof people.

I'm excited too!!!!! -- at all the bullets that would fly.

Posted 5:29 PM by Gene

OH oh, Stale.com curses JFK Lincoln with the A-WORD!

We're doubtful. Adlai Stevenson did a better impression of an egg.

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

USA TODAY On Politics: Huckabee says he's 'Chuck Norris approved'

TRANSLATION: Mr. Christian Right's just another Hollywood slut.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

"Doonesbury" takes aim at MSM political reporters who blog

TRANSLATION: A CW cartoon mocks CW hacks engaging in a CW fad of the moment.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Pour millions into campaigns illegally -- get "slapped" on the wrist with a "huge fine" by the FEC!

The penalty is the seventh largest in FEC history.

THE MOUSE ROARS!

Is Mr. My Business is My Business smiling?

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

Why the hell do I have to know what a wonderful guy Ron Howard's powerful producing partner is -- a wonderful guy with a creepy face?

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO ALLISON!

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

And here's a Juxtaposition of the Week:

October Likely Gloomy for Radio

Imus to Return to TV, Too

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

Honorary USAOKAY!!!!! Hed of the Week:

• Preparedness helped Bangladesh avoid larger death toll

Posted 1:52 PM by Gene

Carole Simpson, whose hair looks better than ever, only did what she would have done before but couldn't do then because of JERNALISTIC ETHICS, but now that she's a perfesser she ought to be able to do with impunity.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

All fans of toilet paper will be sad to learn Dick Wilson, Charmin's own Mr. Whipple, has died. Our condolences also to Moon 'n' Stars, which has not turned out a good ad campaign in years.

Posted 11:14 AM by Gene

Why should my show follow Anderson Cooper's? I got here first!

Someone HAD to remind us LARRY KING!!!!! wrote for USAOKAY!!!!! -- many, many years ago.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 9:36 AM by Gene

Wall Street Plans $38 Billion of Bonuses as Shareholders Lose

The house wins again!

(Via Cheapie Marketwatch)

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

A member of the Fantasy and Profanity League admits to a dark secret: he and his fellow members love to strike.

Keep loving!

Posted 9:33 AM by Gene

An ode to the future of the paperless office:

Xerox to pay first dividend in more than six years

Posted 8:53 AM by Gene

Democratic Kampuchea never had its Nuremburg. That the League of Nations is running this one makes us doubt justice will be served, but better at least a token gesture of justice than none.

Posted 8:43 AM by Gene

Meanwhile the Great Stone Face's humongous discovery Jimmy Kimmel had to do without JOKES last night, making it the worst of his life.

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

Shucks, the theme park operators and roustabouts of Branson East couldn't agree, which makes us hope for the same out west, though we wouldn't hold our breath hoping.

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

We've noted before the tendency of inspiration-free rags to devise lists for the sole purpose of filling the space between the ads; Useless News and Forbeslist perfected the art. Mirroring their editorial foot-on-desk proppings the publisher of the Congressional Quarterly has released its annual lists of America's putatively safest and unsafest cities, and while Detroit's town "fathers" (much in the matter of a one-parent child's, we should say) are mad because the CQ people merely repeat what the whole world knows to be true, occasionally blaming the messenger can nonetheless assign some responsibility.

Posted 3:25 PM by Gene

The demolition yesterday of one of Morris Lapidus's Miami hotels pointed us to this charming anecdote:

Lapidus designed 1,200 buildings, including 250 hotels worldwide. The architectural establishment, wedded to its doctrinaire expressions of International Modernism, tried to ignore his work, then characterized it as gaudy kitsch. This abusive critical reception culminated in a 1963 American Institute of Architects (AIA) meeting held at the Americana, where a variety of well-known architects insulted Lapidus to his face, in one of his own hotels.

A 1970 Architectural League exhibit in New York began the serious appraisal of his work. Lapidus tried to ignore the critical panning, but it had an effect on his career and reputation. He burned 50 years' worth of his drawings when he retired in 1984 and remained personally bitter about some aspects of his career.

TRANSLATION: The people who put up all those refrigerators in our cities and the space-gobbling Dilbert garages in the suburbs were as sieg-heil conformist as any reporter, or moviemaker, or academic, and to the same calamitous effect.

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

I want you to do me a favor. Next time you're wondering aloud why the box office is in a slump and why audiences are staying away from the cinema, ask yourself this: are the endings happy? Are the movies designed to entertain rather than preach? Are the audiences seeing the films walking out with smiles on their faces? These are not happy times. Heavy, thoughtful movies are great for happy times. These are heavy times. Give us something happy and don't begrudge us the need for a pick-me-up when we're laying down a ten spot at the box office. You don't tell a depressed person about Africa. You buy them a puppy. So what's really wrong with the cinematic version of that?

Just one problem: the puppy mills are designed to produce pit bulls.

Posted 11:46 AM by Gene

Just another day in metro FRISCO:

Nude Suspect Sought In E. Bay
Union City police say man with nun's habit on head approached three young girls.

Posted 11:41 AM by Gene

But when you get to a certain level of notoriety, aren't you supposed to stiff the taxman?

Posted 11:39 AM by Gene

"If Rudy Giuliani wants to be the crimefighting candidate, why is he partnering with a large and growing gambling empire?"

Because he knows where the money is!

Posted 11:36 AM by Gene

A Saudi oil ministry adviser said there was no link between the explosion and the OPEC summit being held in Riyadh, the capital. He said there was no question the fire was an accident, and that terrorism was ruled out.

"This is purely maintenance-related," the adviser said, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue.

...he said, fingers crossed.

Posted 10:23 AM by Gene

Looking back today on the 1998 home-run derby between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, sports commentators refer derisively to that season as baseball's "Summer of Love." There is a tone of contempt as those words are uttered, as if the media knew then what they know now -- that those home runs were powered by something more than sculpted hardwood.

Yes, they were powered by the words of Mr. My Business is My Business (current Amazon.com rank: #650,875) and Tim Mc-CAR-VER (current Amazon.com rank: #2,032,833) and Mike "ESPN!" Lupica (current Amazon.com rank: #4,610,523) and all those other six- and seven-digit typing louts who oohed and aahed over THE GREATEST SEASON IN BASEBALL HISTORY!!!!! Yes, the steroids helped, but so did all the sycophantic credulous rave reviews for that drug-sculpted hardwood. And ASTERISK was inspired by the oohs and aahs. That the scribblers are "burying Bonds" is because, like the doctor, they're trying to bury their own mistakes -- but the ghosts still live.

We would say, physician, heal thyself, but there is no known cure for news hacks, and besides, they've been well with their various mental illnesses for several centuries.

P. S. "From School Library Journal":

The 1998 major league baseball season will go down in sports annals as one of exciting action, record-breaking performances, and exemplary sportsmanship.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!