THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
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Saturday, December 20, 2008
And we would tell these toadies at Kaplan Interactive that, as we've said before, the Wall Street Casino has virtually priced its parent's media division at ZERO -- and that INCLUDES its non-educational Web sites -- and just because something appears on the Web doesn't make it any good...although with some sites it goes without saying.
It further goes without saying any Web site Jonny Hairshirt praises is by definition no good.
It further goes without saying any Web site Jonny Hairshirt praises is by definition no good.
Oh hell, if we can post that gaseous preener JonBoy we can post that photo. We've seen much worse elsewhere.
JonBoy thinks he can avoid a huge circulation decline by aping that other rag's gimmicks like its Most Influential 100 (or whatever they call it). Unfortunately that other rag already put a campaign poster on its cover, but we can never remind ourselves too many times The One IS a great president.
Oh, he hasn't taken the oath of office yet? ZEIT! Down to a million-six you go!
It is a fact, too, that one day Obama's power will fade, as will that wielded by the others on our list.
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! But Zeitgeist's (and that other rag's) ability to toady to the flavor of the month will never fade -- which is why it, and its partners in crime, cannot go out of business fast enough.
Oh, he hasn't taken the oath of office yet? ZEIT! Down to a million-six you go!
It is a fact, too, that one day Obama's power will fade, as will that wielded by the others on our list.
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! But Zeitgeist's (and that other rag's) ability to toady to the flavor of the month will never fade -- which is why it, and its partners in crime, cannot go out of business fast enough.
One of the great guilty pleasures of DailyMail.co.uk is to look at all these would-be female stars we've never heard of before (and never will again) being caught in uncomfortable -- positions. While part of us would like to post the picture of this immortal entertainer part of us also doesn't want to be affixed to the more notorious avenues, so we'll skip it. That said, we suspect her behind is cuter than her act.
And speaking of Masters of the Universe, did anyone notice when Bernie came out of hiding the other day his faint Mona Lisa smile?
Over at City Journal some Walt has a seizure over the Republic Windows action, largely because the union behind it is LEFTIST.
Unfortunately con-SER-va-tives seem to believe that our slow-moving ecomomic debacle came from the stars. Or to put it another way, the Lehmans and Madoffs have done THEIR job.
Unfortunately con-SER-va-tives seem to believe that our slow-moving ecomomic debacle came from the stars. Or to put it another way, the Lehmans and Madoffs have done THEIR job.
The ASSPress gives out a nice little $mas gift to Vivendi and Electronic Arts -- who rather need it. (Of course we don't need it, but we is never the point with news.) These guitar games are little more than a variation on the old player piano, which had to be fed rolls; instead of gathering themselves around the machine for a sing along the would-be geniuses prod their instruments before a monitor, and feed the games progressively expensive downloads. Yes the games are a lot sexier than a player piano but it's the same old platform. And its half-uncle karaoke has never lost its rep as a kind of bar joke, an electronic voice box for people who can't sing. The games have too much money behind them to be fads but we wonder whether people will still sing along in five years. That the ASSPressian must breathlessly intone that one of the games goes for a thousand above list through Amazon.com answers the question.
So would the share prices of ATVI, ERTS -- and VIAB.
So would the share prices of ATVI, ERTS -- and VIAB.
On its second day of mourning for a GREAT AMERICAN, a question: Why doesn't Kaplan, Inc. link to its media properties on its HOME PAGE?
P. S.
Can Kaplan, Inc.'s media division make the same claim?
I wonder too if St. Warren could fill us in on how much of that is GOVERNMENT?
P. S.
Can Kaplan, Inc.'s media division make the same claim?
I wonder too if St. Warren could fill us in on how much of that is GOVERNMENT?
The Picower Foundation, whose founder once invested with Ivan Boesky....
Some people will never learn.
Some people will never learn.
Everybody says what a great guy Clint is -- the greatest director of all time, and the greatest actor too; who'd have known the star of those hammer-on-anvil detective films would be such a progressive? But only among the news hacks can earning $13,000 a screen at six popcorn ahthouses for the first weekend on your latest smash be considered good news. Clearly ordinary people don't think Clint a greater talent than, say, Michelangelo; but among the people who make and admire terrific films with zero crowd-pleasing appeal he is -- GOD.
But then BERNIE was GOD too -- and look where that got him AND his church.
P. S. on 12/21 at 5:45 p. m. Scratched out because BoxOffice.com's listings for "limited releases" are confusing -- and wrong. Better to attend a seance with PAUL DRECK.
But then BERNIE was GOD too -- and look where that got him AND his church.
P. S. on 12/21 at 5:45 p. m. Scratched out because BoxOffice.com's listings for "limited releases" are confusing -- and wrong. Better to attend a seance with PAUL DRECK.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tufts University....
And if the SEC isn't out nabbing the bad guys maybe that's because its employees are preoccupied with other things.
And if the SEC isn't out nabbing the bad guys maybe that's because its employees are preoccupied with other things.
And another Hollywood excretion does what it's supposed to:
The familiar Carrey routine may have suited a young man, but he's 46 now, and standing next to the 28-year-old Deschanel, he looks every minute of it. Moreover, the movie places his character, Carl, within a group of friends in which everyone is no more than 35, implying that Carl is supposed to be in his early 30s. A 46-year-old man doesn't normally register as Methuselah, but present him as though he were 32 and give him a 28-year-old girlfriend (who looks 23), and things get awkward.
On top of that, have him act in a way that, in real life, would probably scare women, not seduce them, and a funny (as in strange) thing starts to happen in the audience: Arm hair stands up. Skin tingles and crawls. People sink into their seats. They feel their facial muscles tightening. They are wincing. Wincing and cringing.
The familiar Carrey routine may have suited a young man, but he's 46 now, and standing next to the 28-year-old Deschanel, he looks every minute of it. Moreover, the movie places his character, Carl, within a group of friends in which everyone is no more than 35, implying that Carl is supposed to be in his early 30s. A 46-year-old man doesn't normally register as Methuselah, but present him as though he were 32 and give him a 28-year-old girlfriend (who looks 23), and things get awkward.
On top of that, have him act in a way that, in real life, would probably scare women, not seduce them, and a funny (as in strange) thing starts to happen in the audience: Arm hair stands up. Skin tingles and crawls. People sink into their seats. They feel their facial muscles tightening. They are wincing. Wincing and cringing.
ZEITGEIST is worried: the recession threatens compulsive shoppers.
Hey JonBoy! Maybe you could get a few of those pirates like the one in YOUR EXCLUSIVE to point some guns their way!
Hey JonBoy! Maybe you could get a few of those pirates like the one in YOUR EXCLUSIVE to point some guns their way!
Burglars hit Paris Hilton's home, take $2 million in jewelry
ROGER AILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROGER AILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOGUL'S FRIEND DOES IT AGAIN:
...a terrific film with zero crowd-pleasing appeal....
Hey MOG! Have your friends at VIACON put THAT one on the ads.
This utter IDIOT does not realize that the movie-excretion biz makes movies for people like the AD-BLURBISTS and him -- and that's one reason the industry's dying despite its bloom of health.
...a terrific film with zero crowd-pleasing appeal....
Hey MOG! Have your friends at VIACON put THAT one on the ads.
This utter IDIOT does not realize that the movie-excretion biz makes movies for people like the AD-BLURBISTS and him -- and that's one reason the industry's dying despite its bloom of health.
Well, maybe the Three-Headed Dog is serious about Chrysler; it's handed over a stake to labor and creditors, plus it's eliminated its marketing fiefdom. But we must yet see if imminent death has concentrated the automakers' minds enough.
And in a stirring review from the other bible of entertainment, we learn that here in our home town of Philthydelphia someone has concocted an OUTSTANDING musical about the Cherry Sisters, which would seem like an oxymoron but always remember there are lots of oxymorons in show-biz -- and it has this Bartlett's-immortal line: "I'm a Cherry with a cherry/I will be no man's wife", which makes us think somewhere W. C. Fields is regretting his line.
A Senate seat is a f*@king valuable thing, you don't just give it away for nothing. [HOME PAGE ONLY]
Leon, you make us pine for the day when intellectuals used big words.
Leon, you make us pine for the day when intellectuals used big words.
In more inspiring news of the sweeping originality of show-biz, some hacks are making a BUCK ROGERS TENTPOLE (and being "a darker take" should definitely excuse it), and GSN has ordered up 40 SONY-produced episodes of THE NEWLYWED GAME, which makes us extremely eager to note that a media-industry maven is predicting A THREE-YEAR ADVERTISING DEPRESSION -- and while we would say the longer the better except these folks can take it out on us, we will not entirely abstain from the notion.
(Third link via IWantMedia)
(Third link via IWantMedia)
And as the entire Kaplan empire mourns, rare wisdom from Ben Brantley, surveying the wreckage of a dud of a revival of Pal Joey:
Frankness dates fast.
Frankness dates fast.
The Daily Kaplan loses its most famous source, and it expects us to mourn.
There is no honor among reporters.
P. S. The glory days ended with JANET COOKE.
Kaplan Inc. down over 13 yesterday.
There is no honor among reporters.
P. S. The glory days ended with JANET COOKE.
Kaplan Inc. down over 13 yesterday.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Somebody tell Seeking Alpha that maybe Smashing Pumpkins is quitting albums because albums stink, and albums stink because music stinks, and music stinks because MOST OF THE ACTS STINK.
Somebody also tell Seeking Alpha (and the off-limits Pali Research, whoever that is) that because digital singles sales are up 25 percent and album sales up down 22 percent does not mean music sales are up three percent -- the very clever implication here.
Amazing too that it's taken fifty years for music "lovers" to realize most pop-album tracks are filler.
Somebody also tell Seeking Alpha (and the off-limits Pali Research, whoever that is) that because digital singles sales are up 25 percent and album sales up down 22 percent does not mean music sales are up three percent -- the very clever implication here.
Amazing too that it's taken fifty years for music "lovers" to realize most pop-album tracks are filler.
Does Being Jewish Make You a Flight Risk?
Whew! For a second I thought we were speaking of you-know-who.
Whew! For a second I thought we were speaking of you-know-who.
These lists of Bernie's victims are starting to resemble the lists of passengers aboard the Titanic.
THE IRS! (Well, sort of.)
THE IRS! (Well, sort of.)
There were benefits to missing the sparsely viewed Second Coming of Seligism in October -- like missing an F-bomb.
Daddy, what's a Phillie?
Daddy, what's a Phillie?
When does one of the Big Boys get implicated with Bernie?
And don't forget, this is insider trading, the sort of thing Bernie supposedly did so well while forming his Ponzi scheme.
And don't forget, this is insider trading, the sort of thing Bernie supposedly did so well while forming his Ponzi scheme.
We wandered into B. S. DEFENDER by unfortunate accident, and we see he's perfected the art of consulting by saying nothing.
We have resisted talking of Caroline because nothing we could say wouldn't be tiresome or beyond the point, but we see she lunched with REV. AL!!!!!, meaning Camelot may have quotas.
It is one thing to ask for "adult supervision" of our politics, but if the last several decades are proof the nurseries have been in charge. Let us hope this changes, but we less-than-eagerly await the first Democratic colic.
Playing Bridge
With the next White House and Congress poised to push through an ambitious infrastructure-spending plan, what should conservatives be ready to do?
Complain to no effect, as usual.
With the next White House and Congress poised to push through an ambitious infrastructure-spending plan, what should conservatives be ready to do?
Complain to no effect, as usual.
Nestlé's Purina unit is financing a SLIME FILM, so we can say His outfit went to the DOGS to make a DOG.
AP NEWSALERT!!!!!
CHICAGO (AP) -- Obama says "there needs to be a shift in ethics on Wall Street."
And most likely his worshipers in the press didn't even ask about THAT.
CHICAGO (AP) -- Obama says "there needs to be a shift in ethics on Wall Street."
And most likely his worshipers in the press didn't even ask about THAT.
The Saudis gave to the Slickster. Who knew?
The only practical effect of this disclosure is that when Slick ever meets THE FIXER he can say he has more money.
The only practical effect of this disclosure is that when Slick ever meets THE FIXER he can say he has more money.
This is the fad of the future for Wall Street: reverse stock splits. We get reverse stock splits with badly managed or obsolete companies. There seem to be more of those. Sirius, Unisys and Rite Aid are pretty poor stuff, and one must wonder if reverse splits will help them. Figuratively they're on the pink sheets whatever their price.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
You know, we might not have had this "credit vertigo" if the Wall Street Casino had kept its feet on the ground.
The One's forces have announced the program for his accession: Aretha Franklin will sing, and John Williams will premiere some stentorian piece of musical buncombe, and Rick Warren will premiere his act as the new Billy Graham. Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma will be there, and so will a poet. Well, it could have been worse.
Why should GOODTHINGS ENTERTAINMENT's The Morning Plug boast of its EXCLUSIVE AD for a dying newsrag's cover publicity stunt when ROG announced it eight days ago?
And if this isn't a little scary:
"There will be a lot more Madoffs discovered," says Edward Seidle, founder of Benchmark Financial Services, which specializes in investigations of pension fraud and money management abuses. "It will no longer be impolite to ask for the documents, sit down, and figure out whether the manager is for real."
(Via Bloomy)
"There will be a lot more Madoffs discovered," says Edward Seidle, founder of Benchmark Financial Services, which specializes in investigations of pension fraud and money management abuses. "It will no longer be impolite to ask for the documents, sit down, and figure out whether the manager is for real."
(Via Bloomy)
Eric Roth, author of the movie masterwork Forrest Gump!
These Hollywood bozos always like to think they're better than their RETARDED clients who'll swallow their anything whole -- but how many times have they been well-publicized victims of financial scams?
Sorry Eric -- STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES.
These Hollywood bozos always like to think they're better than their RETARDED clients who'll swallow their anything whole -- but how many times have they been well-publicized victims of financial scams?
Sorry Eric -- STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES.
At General Electric’s annual investor outlook meeting, held in the same studio where GE unit NBC [sic] films [sic] the show Saturday Night Live....
NO COMMENT.
NO COMMENT.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
How about a bailout of the ART MARKET?
And here's an apt eulogy:
One of the emotions that has driven its boom is the narcissistic belief of the rich in the greatness of the age in which they are living. They thought they were buying masterpieces. But like the Dutch merchants and their tulips, the obsession of the new rich with contemporary art is likely to be remembered as the epitome of the vanity and folly of the age. The bulbs are still in the ground but the spades are poised.
(Via Arts & Letters Daily)
And here's an apt eulogy:
One of the emotions that has driven its boom is the narcissistic belief of the rich in the greatness of the age in which they are living. They thought they were buying masterpieces. But like the Dutch merchants and their tulips, the obsession of the new rich with contemporary art is likely to be remembered as the epitome of the vanity and folly of the age. The bulbs are still in the ground but the spades are poised.
(Via Arts & Letters Daily)
Soembody alert Ms. "He's-Not-Scum-He's-A-Republican" -- MORE good news!
Breaking: Major sustainable-food foundation collapses
The Fair Food Foundation crumbles under weight of the Madoff Ponzi scheme [Emphasis added]
This is what happens to -- DEMOCRATS!!!!!
Mark my words -- within a week one of the con-SER-va-tive sites will run a totally fatuous essay explaining why this scum's financial collapse was a VICTORY.
Breaking: Major sustainable-food foundation collapses
The Fair Food Foundation crumbles under weight of the Madoff Ponzi scheme [Emphasis added]
This is what happens to -- DEMOCRATS!!!!!
Mark my words -- within a week one of the con-SER-va-tive sites will run a totally fatuous essay explaining why this scum's financial collapse was a VICTORY.
Coming just behind OJ's long-overdue imprisonment, these two stories prove that the murderer may run, but it is ever more difficult for him to hide.
And count on the ASSPress to provide a deep head-scratching of its own:
What [John Walsh's crusade] also did, said Mount Holyoke College sociologist and criminologist Richard Moran, is make children and adults alike exponentially more afraid.
"He ended up really producing a generation of cautious and afraid kids who view all adults and strangers as a threat to them and it made parents extremely paranoid about the safety of their children," Moran said.
Assuming you're right, PERFESSER (and we decreasingly assume that in a man with a degree behind his name -- like the people who invented CDOs and SIVs and who declared BERNIE safe), what would YOU do in THIS day and age?
And count on the ASSPress to provide a deep head-scratching of its own:
What [John Walsh's crusade] also did, said Mount Holyoke College sociologist and criminologist Richard Moran, is make children and adults alike exponentially more afraid.
"He ended up really producing a generation of cautious and afraid kids who view all adults and strangers as a threat to them and it made parents extremely paranoid about the safety of their children," Moran said.
Assuming you're right, PERFESSER (and we decreasingly assume that in a man with a degree behind his name -- like the people who invented CDOs and SIVs and who declared BERNIE safe), what would YOU do in THIS day and age?
New York subways risky for drunks
A new study shows that nearly half of those who died accidentally in subways tested positive for alcohol consumption.
And our own internal survey suggests maybe ninety percent of those lived there.
A new study shows that nearly half of those who died accidentally in subways tested positive for alcohol consumption.
And our own internal survey suggests maybe ninety percent of those lived there.
"Our job is to hold him to account," Whitaker said, adding that he thinks "we're going to have to get tougher."
Newsweek's Jonathan Alter followed up: "We need the Sam Donaldsons of the world."
Which showy breast beating surely does not involve the story below it on Politico's home page:
ASNE proposes name change; remove 'newspapers'
Newsweek's Jonathan Alter followed up: "We need the Sam Donaldsons of the world."
Which showy breast beating surely does not involve the story below it on Politico's home page:
ASNE proposes name change; remove 'newspapers'
Johnson Controls Inc., one of the auto industry's biggest parts makers, handed in its 2009 outlook Tuesday. It was not pretty.
The company predicted only 9.3 million cars and light trucks will be sold in the United States next year. That's down from 16 million in 2007 and about half of the nearly 18 million cars sold in the go-go year 1999....
How bad will it get? If U.S. car sales drop to 9 million vehicles next year, it will be the first time -- with the exception of the World War II years -- the number of cars sent to the scrap yard will top the number of new cars sold.
Economists call it auto deflation.
I call it a depr -- DEEP RECESSION.
The company predicted only 9.3 million cars and light trucks will be sold in the United States next year. That's down from 16 million in 2007 and about half of the nearly 18 million cars sold in the go-go year 1999....
How bad will it get? If U.S. car sales drop to 9 million vehicles next year, it will be the first time -- with the exception of the World War II years -- the number of cars sent to the scrap yard will top the number of new cars sold.
Economists call it auto deflation.
I call it a depr -- DEEP RECESSION.
HARDY HAR HAR:
The arrest of New York money manager Bernard Madoff claims one of the most active supporters of criminal justice reform in the U.S.
The Manhattan-based JEHT Foundation (pronounced ‘Jet’) said yesterday that it stopped making grants and will close in January. In 2006 alone, it gave away $26.4 million, according to its most recent publicly available tax return.
“They are one of the best progressive foundations around,” said New York lawyer William Zabel, a partner with Schulte Roth & Zabel and a director of the foundation. “There are so many sad stories out there, but this is one of the worst.”
TRANSLATION: A victory for con-SER-va-tives, despite the defeat for con-SER-va-tism.
The arrest of New York money manager Bernard Madoff claims one of the most active supporters of criminal justice reform in the U.S.
The Manhattan-based JEHT Foundation (pronounced ‘Jet’) said yesterday that it stopped making grants and will close in January. In 2006 alone, it gave away $26.4 million, according to its most recent publicly available tax return.
“They are one of the best progressive foundations around,” said New York lawyer William Zabel, a partner with Schulte Roth & Zabel and a director of the foundation. “There are so many sad stories out there, but this is one of the worst.”
TRANSLATION: A victory for con-SER-va-tives, despite the defeat for con-SER-va-tism.
I'm a knee-jerk conservative, E. J., and I know what to do!
And I'm a knee-jerk liberal, Ramesh, and I know what to do!
But are you sure this constant pointless head-butting without a helmet is really a meeting of the minds?
Just so long as the readers feel our pain.
And I'm a knee-jerk liberal, Ramesh, and I know what to do!
But are you sure this constant pointless head-butting without a helmet is really a meeting of the minds?
Just so long as the readers feel our pain.
Repeat after me: Bernie was vermin...and a
DEMOCRAT!!!!!
One more like this and we'll have to find you a nickname.
DEMOCRAT!!!!!
One more like this and we'll have to find you a nickname.
Why is it when news hacks do think pieces on bad behavior they often sound like excuses?
Hope YOU didn't know anybody who invested in BERNIE, Andy.
Hope YOU didn't know anybody who invested in BERNIE, Andy.
Well here's some good news for us spoilsports:
"Mamma Mia!" Becomes Highest-Grossing Film Ever Released in the U.K.
"Mamma Mia!" Becomes Highest-Grossing Film Ever Released in the U.K.
As was widely trumpeted, Detroit's newspapers are scaling back drastically. The good news is they're innovating. (Pfffffffffffffft!) The newspaper biz is in dire shape and will likely get worse, and that is no good for even the most press-contemptuous of us (although in Detroit it's magnified by the genius of our auto makers). But it can't get better being just a Web service, nor by disseminating more of the drivel it dispenses now.
Madoff boasted to regulators about profits
From whom? For what?
Accused money manager also advised government on scam artists
He was the expert.
From whom? For what?
Accused money manager also advised government on scam artists
He was the expert.
No keyboards in the future?
A survey predicts that by 2012 keyboards will become "quaint relics."
Just like paper!
A survey predicts that by 2012 keyboards will become "quaint relics."
Just like paper!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Another unbiased, non-partisan news hack discloses his party affiliation.
I give Jay two years before boredom sets in, then it's on to a high profile job at a think tank. It's surely not back to a newsrag -- if such a creature still exists.
I give Jay two years before boredom sets in, then it's on to a high profile job at a think tank. It's surely not back to a newsrag -- if such a creature still exists.
In the three months since Lehman people have second guessed the thing until they've keeled over from exhaustion, but is it possible this depr -- DEEP RECESSION was going to happen anyway, and that Lehman is only an excuse for the Wall Street Casino's fatal flaws?
(Via Seeking Alpha)
(Via Seeking Alpha)
Which is funnier?
"National Lampoon" Inc. engaging in stock manipulation? or
The Golfing Machine perfunctorily apologizing to Wrong-Way for his caddy?
There's surely humor in both jokes. "National Lampoon" must be the eighth or ninth version of the one-hit wonder that has lasted this long only because someone thinks the declining proceeds of Animal House must be worth something, anything; its successive owners invented the term "penny stock" before anyone knew what it was. It's in the same league as porno stocks only the sex is simulated. As for TGM and Wrong-Way, it is quite obvious they despise each other, especially after that amusing tale at the U. S. Open; but then they have plenty to be despicable about, TGM being an efficient, soulless, RICH piece of automation (at least before it broke down); Wrong-Way for being an absolute ninny with no discernible sense of humor. Really those two guys deserve each other -- and golf deserves them...and golf deserves fewer sponsors for being the Madoff's favorite.
"National Lampoon" Inc. engaging in stock manipulation? or
The Golfing Machine perfunctorily apologizing to Wrong-Way for his caddy?
There's surely humor in both jokes. "National Lampoon" must be the eighth or ninth version of the one-hit wonder that has lasted this long only because someone thinks the declining proceeds of Animal House must be worth something, anything; its successive owners invented the term "penny stock" before anyone knew what it was. It's in the same league as porno stocks only the sex is simulated. As for TGM and Wrong-Way, it is quite obvious they despise each other, especially after that amusing tale at the U. S. Open; but then they have plenty to be despicable about, TGM being an efficient, soulless, RICH piece of automation (at least before it broke down); Wrong-Way for being an absolute ninny with no discernible sense of humor. Really those two guys deserve each other -- and golf deserves them...and golf deserves fewer sponsors for being the Madoff's favorite.
And now, as last posted two years ago, another of my chestnuts roasting on an open fire too long:
WHY ARE POP CHRISTMAS SONGS INTOLERABLE?
The standard explanations won't do -- that the Christmas season's one long shopping spree, and the platitudes of the songs are the platitudes of corrupt businessmen; that they're overexposed and inescapable, especially now with FOREGROUND MUZAK. Certainly the notion of America enveloped in DOOM and GLOOM and ENNUI won't do; Tom Lehrer and Stan Freberg wrote their very sour takes on Christmas in the late fifties, before our favorite assassination. No, the best explanation is that the songs are FLAT-OUT BAD. Christ was born to provide fodder for Lawrence Welk. Consider that none of the truly top Broadway songwriters ever wrote a hit Christmas tune -- save Irving Berlin; the holiday perfectly fit a lyrical style that at its worst echoes a rhyming dictionary ("Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/Stand beside her,/And guide her," etc., etc., etc.). The songs also brought out the most crass in the record industry as it entered its fat years in the fifties, a time when Mitch Miller thought it cute to have Ol' Blue sing a duet with a dog. You can't think of Meredith Willson's utterly corny "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" without the cute pizzicato strings and the cute flutes and the cute xylophone and Johnny Mathis with a two-second reverb and a clothespin on his larynx. (When Willson wrote his Christmas musical Here's Love twelve years later his depleted inspiration made him re-use it, proof that the holiday does not bring out the best in musicians.) Even the very few good Christmas tunes suffer from guilt by association. Arthur Fiedler turned Leroy Anderson's "Sleigh Ride" into an exciting, bracing mini-tone poem, but everywhere else Mitchell Parish's lyrics kick in, with their fakery of farmers and pumpkin pie and Currier and Ives, and it's back to the land of hack arrangements by Ralph Carmichael and the ooohing and aaahing of the angelic chorus. "The Christmas Song" (not great, but pretty good) marks the beginning of Nat "King" Cole's transformation from a jazzman of the first rank to an automatic molasses dispenser. Elvis, who frequently performed bad songs at half-mast, was the perfect pop Christmas singer, oozing the drivel out like a particularly unctuous undertaker soothing a dead body's relative, or a relative's dead body. And let us not forget the KIDDIE TUNES written for television though it didn't yet exist, sound-alike songs like "Frosty the Snowman" (you can hear the songwriters cutting a deal on the tune) and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," whose title character originated at a now-defunct department-store chain (Montgomery Ward). One of the great mysteries of popular music is how Haven Gillespie and J. Fred Coots survived a piece of junk like "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" to write the immortal "You Go To My Head"; by rights their next tune should have been written by Bob Merrill. (Look up the tune in ASCAP's ACE directory and you find a veritable army of the tiresome acts that buried it: the Ames Brothers, Brenda Lee, Ray Conniff, Liberace, Guy Lombardo, the Mills Brothers -- and yes, I include Bruce.) While it is true that familiarity breeds contempt, the contempt starts early when those familiar notes in your brain are so contemptible.
P. S. There are exceptions: something like "The Chipmunks' Christmas Song" is cheesy, but nostalgic fun. And I have a weakness for Sing Along's seminal renditions (can I type for Stale.com or what?) as The Gang knew perfectly just how corny it was, and didn't try to escape it. But when ACTS must add MELISMAS to the "traditional" songs they ensure they're unlistenable too.
P. P. S. at 1:38 today: I wasn't quite right about "the top Broadway songwriters"; I should have mentioned the superb Jule Styne, who alas with the equally superb Sammy Cahn wrote two top $MA$ nuisances, but the first came before Styne went to Broadway, and the second went to Ol' Blue, with no thought of it being a nuisance.
WHY ARE POP CHRISTMAS SONGS INTOLERABLE?
The standard explanations won't do -- that the Christmas season's one long shopping spree, and the platitudes of the songs are the platitudes of corrupt businessmen; that they're overexposed and inescapable, especially now with FOREGROUND MUZAK. Certainly the notion of America enveloped in DOOM and GLOOM and ENNUI won't do; Tom Lehrer and Stan Freberg wrote their very sour takes on Christmas in the late fifties, before our favorite assassination. No, the best explanation is that the songs are FLAT-OUT BAD. Christ was born to provide fodder for Lawrence Welk. Consider that none of the truly top Broadway songwriters ever wrote a hit Christmas tune -- save Irving Berlin; the holiday perfectly fit a lyrical style that at its worst echoes a rhyming dictionary ("Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/Stand beside her,/And guide her," etc., etc., etc.). The songs also brought out the most crass in the record industry as it entered its fat years in the fifties, a time when Mitch Miller thought it cute to have Ol' Blue sing a duet with a dog. You can't think of Meredith Willson's utterly corny "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" without the cute pizzicato strings and the cute flutes and the cute xylophone and Johnny Mathis with a two-second reverb and a clothespin on his larynx. (When Willson wrote his Christmas musical Here's Love twelve years later his depleted inspiration made him re-use it, proof that the holiday does not bring out the best in musicians.) Even the very few good Christmas tunes suffer from guilt by association. Arthur Fiedler turned Leroy Anderson's "Sleigh Ride" into an exciting, bracing mini-tone poem, but everywhere else Mitchell Parish's lyrics kick in, with their fakery of farmers and pumpkin pie and Currier and Ives, and it's back to the land of hack arrangements by Ralph Carmichael and the ooohing and aaahing of the angelic chorus. "The Christmas Song" (not great, but pretty good) marks the beginning of Nat "King" Cole's transformation from a jazzman of the first rank to an automatic molasses dispenser. Elvis, who frequently performed bad songs at half-mast, was the perfect pop Christmas singer, oozing the drivel out like a particularly unctuous undertaker soothing a dead body's relative, or a relative's dead body. And let us not forget the KIDDIE TUNES written for television though it didn't yet exist, sound-alike songs like "Frosty the Snowman" (you can hear the songwriters cutting a deal on the tune) and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," whose title character originated at a now-defunct department-store chain (Montgomery Ward). One of the great mysteries of popular music is how Haven Gillespie and J. Fred Coots survived a piece of junk like "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" to write the immortal "You Go To My Head"; by rights their next tune should have been written by Bob Merrill. (Look up the tune in ASCAP's ACE directory and you find a veritable army of the tiresome acts that buried it: the Ames Brothers, Brenda Lee, Ray Conniff, Liberace, Guy Lombardo, the Mills Brothers -- and yes, I include Bruce.) While it is true that familiarity breeds contempt, the contempt starts early when those familiar notes in your brain are so contemptible.
P. S. There are exceptions: something like "The Chipmunks' Christmas Song" is cheesy, but nostalgic fun. And I have a weakness for Sing Along's seminal renditions (can I type for Stale.com or what?) as The Gang knew perfectly just how corny it was, and didn't try to escape it. But when ACTS must add MELISMAS to the "traditional" songs they ensure they're unlistenable too.
P. P. S. at 1:38 today: I wasn't quite right about "the top Broadway songwriters"; I should have mentioned the superb Jule Styne, who alas with the equally superb Sammy Cahn wrote two top $MA$ nuisances, but the first came before Styne went to Broadway, and the second went to Ol' Blue, with no thought of it being a nuisance.
If I get $100 million in compensation, the thinking goes, it is because 'I deserve it.' There is no discussion of the role of circumstance, luck or market failure. It is the type of thinking that has resulted in literally hundreds of billions of dollars being transferred away from organizational resources and into the personal bank accounts of CEOs, and is now bringing capitalism to its knees....
[T]o effect a real change in the outlook of America's execs, we'll need to instill in the next generation of business leaders a sense of social purpose and broader understanding of their role as custodians of society's economic resources, rather than the very limited Friedmanist view that the selfish pursuit of maximizing profits leads to the best of all possible worlds.
FORBESLIST.COM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
[T]o effect a real change in the outlook of America's execs, we'll need to instill in the next generation of business leaders a sense of social purpose and broader understanding of their role as custodians of society's economic resources, rather than the very limited Friedmanist view that the selfish pursuit of maximizing profits leads to the best of all possible worlds.
FORBESLIST.COM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
And this from the British Socialist Worker Online:
Bernard Madoff: a Wall Street crook
But aren't they all?
Bernard Madoff: a Wall Street crook
But aren't they all?
Walter Noel’s Fairfield Greenwich Group would have collected about $135 million in fees this year for peddling Bernard Madoff’s investing acumen to clients from South America, the Middle East and Asia.
TRANSLATON: The sucke...investors should get something back, however minuscule -- if the lawyers' fees don't get there first.
TRANSLATON: The sucke...investors should get something back, however minuscule -- if the lawyers' fees don't get there first.
More good news: We're holding our noses at Wall Street, and now finally we sense the reek from the gambl -- GAMING biz. If the depr -- deep recession does us any good it will be to shrink the industry and loosen its tentacles from our pockets.
The bad news: More people listen to radio than suspected.
The GOOD news: More people listen to less radio than suspected.
(Via ArtsJournal)
The GOOD news: More people listen to less radio than suspected.
(Via ArtsJournal)
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Reading this latest boneheaded LALA commentary on how to "fix" the Os-CAR®s (and we thought being boneheaded on the boneheaded Os-CAR®s was Mogul's Friend's property! Wrong as usual), we ask, Pvt. Zell, why didn't you declare CHAPTER 7?
We have NOT forgotten Sen. Laut. Indeed the sad thing about this story is that most of the victims were Jewish -- or perhaps we should say "Jewish", as so many Jews are religious in name only (I'm half-Jewish myself) -- and if they were not observant (I'd guess many of them leaned for) they still have enough of the old ethnic identification to stick with a fellow Jew. This disaster has done far more damage than a covey of perfessers screaming for disinvestment.
A former record producer shows off his advanced degrees by saying holiday music stinks in as many words as possible, and as vaguely as possible, meaning SLIME'S NEW! IMPROVED!! JOURNALS!!! may not be as good as the Romys say.
(Via ArtsJournal, which MUST link to these things)
(Via ArtsJournal, which MUST link to these things)
These last several days I've been overcome by another of those songs that will not leave my head. This one is called "My Heart Goes Crazy", and it has a strange CV: the GREAT Burke and Van Heusen wrote it for a 1946 Rank Organisation extravaganza called London Town; despite featuring the 13-year-old Petula Clark it bombed at the box office (nor did it do better stateside seven years later under that song's title); somebody sang it VERY flat. About two months after its release The Modernaires recorded it, with a surprisingly powerful orchestra led by Mitchell Ayres, who accompanied too much glop for Perry Como. Hardly anyone remembers The Modernaires now -- that was Glenn Miller's vocal group. After his death it might have had more success had Columbia's A&R folk hadn't stuck it with some...rank novelty tunes. We can be stupid and say these folks channeled the future Blue Eyes but he is there; then again Alec Wilder wrote that every one of Van Heusen's songs has the unmistakable sound of a pretty good jazz rhythm section. In short, it is a superb track, but because it's from 62 years ago no one would know. Compare it to that whatisit singing on the soundtrack album and you easily behold how a hit song can become tomorrow's archives. I can't stop thinking of it as the title tune to some sort of retro Jayne Mansfield - Frank Tashlin dumb-blonde farce that would have the moviegoers floating out on air, just my latest hopeless daydream.
Jenny is auditioning for MS. TRAVERS's place in the Web. She's even MORE excited today because the SCUM MADOFF donated to DEMOCRATS. That he was SCUM does NOT seem to enter into her equation. Red-Light Schumer's far, FAR worse. Why? Because he overlooked the SCUM for MONEY. Wait a second. Scum's only a criminal because he donated to DEMOCRATS. If he'd donated to that buffoon Mitch we'd stay smugly silent. Why should we get all hot-and-bothered over campaign donations?
Jenny, when was your last vacation?
Jenny, when was your last vacation?
Shucks, here's very bad news: Prince "$10 Million" Alwaleed has lost $4 billion. Geez, Princie, all you have to do is shut off your spigot and you get it back!
Or do you?
Who told you to invest in Citigroup, even with our largesse?
Or do you?
Who told you to invest in Citigroup, even with our largesse?
Oops! I think JonBoy's courage has evaporated! Maybe he got second thoughts on having launched that nuclear option. He's about to call this whistle blower who gave The Paper of Re-CORD a story a hero but then says, in the LAST SENTENCE:
Sometimes the thinnest of lines separates the criminal from the hero.
And sometimes the thinnest of lines separates fact from fiction -- as we know too well from Hitler's diaries, toilet-bound Korans and ZEITGEIST.
Hey Jonny! Work hard enough and you may not HAVE to cut the rate base!
Sometimes the thinnest of lines separates the criminal from the hero.
And sometimes the thinnest of lines separates fact from fiction -- as we know too well from Hitler's diaries, toilet-bound Korans and ZEITGEIST.
Hey Jonny! Work hard enough and you may not HAVE to cut the rate base!