Posted 2:08 PM by Gene

If we told you everything they'd have to kill us

I just stumbled across AOL Time Warner rag's outrageous cover advertorial-synergasm, and without question this is the dumbest line ever to appear in a newsrag, dumber even than the ARROGANT BLUNDER, and that's a contest. Since many professors are wasting their students' tuition rhapsodizing over the gold-plated cinematic pile of dog leavings herein advertised, I'll follow in their learned entrails and submit this idiot line can be interpreted several ways:

1. Since AOL Time Warner rag can't tell us everything, it's under no obligation to tell the truth, since telling the truth would mean telling us everything. Therefore AOL Time Warner rag may spin and sell until the Messiah comes (which arguably He did when Barry Diller was born, although King Richard might hold a theological conference about who is more omnipotent). OR

2. Who is -- "they"? Is "they" King Richard? If so, this must be a REPUBLICAN plot, for Business Week has "exclusively" disclosed, in an exquisitely-timed cover sales pitch from the same week (and with considerable self-back patting and signing of contracts for future memoir ghostwriting), that His Royal Highness of Cable Gouging and Internet Service Interruptions was an aide to Nelson Rockefeller, whose greatest achievements in life were to raise his middle finger and die of adultery; and He has turned down offers to serve in a Republican adminstration, presumably because He knows who's more powerful. OR

3. No, NO! I can't go that far. If I did, well...you understand. Let's just say that if a space station from a media-hating planet, equipped with a powerful teleporting ray gun, came down and zapped King Richard, His magazines, His cable networks, His cable systems, His movie studios, His TV studios, His record company, His Internet scam, His law-defying accountants and all His employees who spend ALL their careers lying to the public for big bucks, and sent them ALL out to another universe, Americans would cheer from one coast to the other.