Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

I'm thinking what a second Civil War would be like. We already know the combatants: two sides with a monopoly on truth and the total absence of humility. I can see the control rooms now: here's Michael Moore, five hundred wires sticking out from a surgically-exploded skull, barking commands to Joe Conason, who has six surgically-attached cell phones sticking from his ears and gives orders to every media operation to tell the world, "This is a war for tolerance -- and anyone who believes otherwise should be shot!" HWWWALTER CRRRONKHITE's visage glares from every TV, Goldstein-like, bellowing, "MY COUNTRY RIGHT OR WRONG -- and NEVER RIGHT!" There's WALTER WINCHELL, living alone in a 200-room mansion that's a cross between a falling-down Catholic church and San Quentin, wearing a high-tech surgically-attached fedora, barking orders by e-mail to Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, both residing in cryonic chambers one next to the other, who stir only when arguing who had the bigger bank account and when yelling at the world, "This is a war about Jesus Christ -- and anyone who won't accept Him is eternally damned and will go to HELL!" Each side has its stooges: the former (besides the media) has the Democratic Party and academe, who weekly stir up huge rallies likening their enemies to Hitler, accusing them of anti-Semitism while themselves fomenting it overseas; the latter has the GOP, with thousands of lobbyists hitting up big business for the money to fight the war. It also has the military, the GOP owning a monopoly on the flag, having passed laws making it illegal for a Democrat to fly one. In the end, the RIGHT has the nukes, the LEFT has the words, and the country commits suicide.

Of course this is an idiotic fantasy. But we've come to the precipice too many times since the first Civil War. Twice in our history communists scampered under our beds, leading to something approaching cold civil wars. In the early thirties America faced revolution over a 25% unemployment rate -- and it could have happened had FDR not escaped an assassination attempt. (Remember that?) We still have not quite uprighted ourselves morally from the social upheavals of the sixties. And for those who would cite indefinable inexorable forces, some have blamed the Civil War on a woman. And the murder of some silly archduke in a country that no one heard of led to most of the last century's catastrophes. Who's to say today's intolerant ninnies can't lead us to total destruction?