THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
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Saturday, January 10, 2004
The theological pretzel of Islam: Women can be suicide bombers but can't drive cars.
EARTH TO GLENN! EARTH TO GLENN!! Most blogs are about yentas and airheads.
Another profile in courage. There doesn't seem a topic that lacks highly contented rebels like the ones here. By dint of a phone call they can make a whiny minority into a booming majority. The problem is no church is a democracy, unless it's Unitarian. If you don't like what the boss says about gay marriage, form your own church. That's what some of the Tea Timers are doing. Freedom of conscience always beats politics.
You know a movie is bad when the end credits are almost as long as the movie -- and that means virtually every production in the JACK era.
There is a solution: limit the credits to two minutes at the beginning, and list all the names on posters in the lobby. No, people in the biz want bad movies.
I've noticed more and more the registered-trademark Fortune 500 bloggers are simply posting links and an accompanying verbal equivalent of head scratching. If blogging isn't about strong opinions, strongly voiced, what's the point of it?
"From the very beginning, there was a conviction that Saddam Hussein was a bad person and that he needed to go."
Translation: Dubya is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL.
Translation: Dubya is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL.
Reading a review like this convinces me the day of CGI reconstructions of famous actors is slowly coming. If you're going to do dead movies why not use dead stars?
Criminal-justice students fake a survey which leads to a change of venue in an overhyped murder trial.
Sounds like these students are on their way to becoming LAWYERS.
Sounds like these students are on their way to becoming LAWYERS.
Friday, January 09, 2004
The day after news hacks scream that a RESPECTED think tank says we shouldn'a gone to Iraq, NPR's ombudspoop says we shouldn't put quite so much faith in them.
INFALLIBLE KINSLEY.COM:
In the Jan. 9 "Today's Papers" column, Holly Bailey incorrectly referred to Iraq's "$150 million foreign debt." The correct figure is $150 billion.
In a Dec. 23 "Books" review of Carol Shloss' Lucia Joyce: To Dance in the Wake, Katie Roiphe originally alluded to a biography of Valerie Eliot, but no life story of T.S. Eliot's second wife exists. In 2001 Carole Seymour-James published a biography of T. S. Eliot's first wife, Vivienne, titled Painted Shadow: The Life of Vivienne Eliot.
In a Jan. 2 "Television" column about the World Idol contest, Dana Stevens stated that Spice Girl Geri Halliwell appeared on the World Idol contest and noted that she was managed by BMG, the same conglomerate that owns the Idol franchise. In fact, it was former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham who appeared, and her manager is Simon Fuller, creator of the Idol franchise.
A Jan. 5 "Ballot Box" article by William Saletan originally quoted Joseph Lieberman as saying in the Jan. 4 Iowa debate, "To change the subject as Howard [Dean] does and to say that we haven't obliterated all terrorism with Saddam in prison is a little bit like saying somehow that we weren't safer after the Second World War after we defeated Nazism and Hitler." Saletan thought he had included the end of the sentence—"because Stalin and the communists were still in power"—but inadvertently left it out, probably because he was posting the quote around 4 in the morning.
You know guys, if the Wizard of MS devoted a Web site to his BUGS....
In the Jan. 9 "Today's Papers" column, Holly Bailey incorrectly referred to Iraq's "$150 million foreign debt." The correct figure is $150 billion.
In a Dec. 23 "Books" review of Carol Shloss' Lucia Joyce: To Dance in the Wake, Katie Roiphe originally alluded to a biography of Valerie Eliot, but no life story of T.S. Eliot's second wife exists. In 2001 Carole Seymour-James published a biography of T. S. Eliot's first wife, Vivienne, titled Painted Shadow: The Life of Vivienne Eliot.
In a Jan. 2 "Television" column about the World Idol contest, Dana Stevens stated that Spice Girl Geri Halliwell appeared on the World Idol contest and noted that she was managed by BMG, the same conglomerate that owns the Idol franchise. In fact, it was former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham who appeared, and her manager is Simon Fuller, creator of the Idol franchise.
A Jan. 5 "Ballot Box" article by William Saletan originally quoted Joseph Lieberman as saying in the Jan. 4 Iowa debate, "To change the subject as Howard [Dean] does and to say that we haven't obliterated all terrorism with Saddam in prison is a little bit like saying somehow that we weren't safer after the Second World War after we defeated Nazism and Hitler." Saletan thought he had included the end of the sentence—"because Stalin and the communists were still in power"—but inadvertently left it out, probably because he was posting the quote around 4 in the morning.
You know guys, if the Wizard of MS devoted a Web site to his BUGS....
"If the 'red meat,' taken out of context, is all that people get out of this book, it will be a huge disappointment to me."
Hey BUDDY, I didn't tell some Wall Street Journals flack that Dubya's cabinet meetings were like "a blind man in a roomful of deaf people."
Hey BUDDY, I didn't tell some Wall Street Journals flack that Dubya's cabinet meetings were like "a blind man in a roomful of deaf people."
Michael Dukakis says news hacks are doing "the same damn thing."
This is definitive, coming from a presidential candidate who did the same damn thing.
This is definitive, coming from a presidential candidate who did the same damn thing.
Business Week also asked the Australian-born Murdoch, who is 72, how long he intended to continue running the company.
"As long as my brain holds out," he said. "My mother is doing pretty well at 95."
You don't run News Corp. with your brain, RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"As long as my brain holds out," he said. "My mother is doing pretty well at 95."
You don't run News Corp. with your brain, RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buzz T. Newhouse is now excited that President DAMN! looks like a thumb. Hey Buzz, remember Honest Abe? Over six feet and under 100 pounds? We can think of better posts for our BLOG, Buzz.
Health Spending at Record Rate
Think we can outsource some of these costs?
Who says the economy isn't expanding?
Think we can outsource some of these costs?
Who says the economy isn't expanding?
I'm willing to give the Gheetar Doc the benefit of the doubt and agree this business with his job was in the works -- more so when RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s hacks use words like "SHOCKING!!!!!!!!" But the timing was, shall we say, peculiar.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Memri.org has one of the dumbest innovations on the Web: a crawler that displays one word every ten seconds. Read it long enough and you go blind, or nuts.
I mention this because littlegreenfundraiser introduced me to aad-online.org, which some crackpot Canadian scribbler claims is the Memri.org of the Arab world. Just one problem: Memri.org ranks a respectable 31,405 on Alexa.com -- and aad-online.org doesn't even rank. (It's also registered as an NGO in France [peeeeeeeeee-you!] and is run out of Egypt.)
I mention this because littlegreenfundraiser introduced me to aad-online.org, which some crackpot Canadian scribbler claims is the Memri.org of the Arab world. Just one problem: Memri.org ranks a respectable 31,405 on Alexa.com -- and aad-online.org doesn't even rank. (It's also registered as an NGO in France [peeeeeeeeee-you!] and is run out of Egypt.)
GOOGLEBLOGGER has the HICCUPS again!
$250 BILLION FOR GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
$250 BILLION FOR GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another reason MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER!!!!! from Barry Sonnenfeld, "A-list" dispenser of junk, in the latest Sound and Vision:
"I'll go [to the multiplex] and hear dialogue coming from the surrounds because the center channel is blown out. Or I have to buy new sneakers because they just melted from years of Coke syrup and gum on the floor....We can go to the plumber next door and see a better picture on his [home-theater] system from any DVD than if you put on a print of Big Trouble in the East Hampton Cinema."
Repeat after me, SLEAZEBALL GUMBO: MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER!!!!!
"I'll go [to the multiplex] and hear dialogue coming from the surrounds because the center channel is blown out. Or I have to buy new sneakers because they just melted from years of Coke syrup and gum on the floor....We can go to the plumber next door and see a better picture on his [home-theater] system from any DVD than if you put on a print of Big Trouble in the East Hampton Cinema."
Repeat after me, SLEAZEBALL GUMBO: MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER!!!!!
God bless you, somebody in Brazil, for spending 29 minutes and five seconds reading my blog. I hope occasionally somebody reads my comments and laughs, and thinks. One thing's certain: more time with me means less time with the bloatbloggers.
Al-Qadhafi son: Israel is not a threat
Bet they scrunched into the fetal position at The Osama Channel over THIS one!
Bet they scrunched into the fetal position at The Osama Channel over THIS one!
Can you imagine the celebrations in the luxury news suites if the LIBERATORS hit a big military plane like this?
PROF devotes 1,966 WORDS to one entry in ONE BLOG.
What is it, the Magna Carta? The Declaration of Independence? The Gettysburg Address?
Alas, if brevity is the soul of wit, garrulity is the soul of HIT.
The Guinness Book beckons, Glenny!
What is it, the Magna Carta? The Declaration of Independence? The Gettysburg Address?
Alas, if brevity is the soul of wit, garrulity is the soul of HIT.
The Guinness Book beckons, Glenny!
"Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Behavior" made me do it -- and so did my mother!!!!!
Here comes a John Leo column!
Here comes a John Leo column!
This is what Republicans want to do: they don't want to stop the glaring abuses of lawyers, they want to dry up campaign contributions to the DEMOCRAT Party. And if it means doing injustice to some people, so what?
The "frivilous lucubrations" of the Beeb differ from the "frivolous lucubrations" of future owner RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in that British TV viewers support one, and conservatives support the other.
Comedienne and former talk-show host Rosie O'Donnell on Thursday announced plans for what is billed as "the first gay cruise with family values."
I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot...never mind.
I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot...never mind.
The TWXsters tie themselves in knots: Rummy (BAD) encouraged (VERY BAD) TWXster rag (VERY GOOD) to choose soldiers (VERY VERY BAD) for its Persons of the Year (SUPEREXTRADOUBLEPLUSGOOD!!!!!), and TWXster's managing editor (GOD!!!!!!!!!!!) admits it to CNN (TREMENDOUSLYFANTASTICALLYSYNERGISTICALLYGOOD!!!!!). What to do? Will TWXsters pour their hearts out to Howie "Hair Shirt" Kurtz? Will Marvin "The One-Hour Burp" Kalb organize twenty seminars?
You can tell the Wall Street SALES -- er, analysts are busy trying to conjure up fee, er, REPORTS when they inspire press releases like this one.
A non-partisan think tank again proves my entry in the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY: MODERATE=LIBERAL.
Somebody at the Reut will be FIRED for his admission.
Somebody at the Reut will be FIRED for his admission.
If anything makes blogs obsolete, it will be PROF co-productions spending 1,675 words beating the long dead horse that MAUREEN DOWD CAN'T WRITE.
And may we PLEASE bury that self-congratulatory word "fisking"? It's a moot point anyway, now that Robert's mostly behind "the wall."
And may we PLEASE bury that self-congratulatory word "fisking"? It's a moot point anyway, now that Robert's mostly behind "the wall."
What our vanity doctor really wants to do (I've a hunch) is sell the gheetar on eBay, where it would snatch two, three, four, ten, TWENTY MILLION -- and all on account of poor George forgetting how to spell his name.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
New Products Offer Radiation Protection Against Dirty Bombs
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And in yet another NEWS HACK waste of time....
Or as they said on September 10, "OSAMA -- NO!! STOOOOOOOOOOPID -- YES!!!!!"
Or as they said on September 10, "OSAMA -- NO!! STOOOOOOOOOOPID -- YES!!!!!"
"I can assure you Ted, all those wells...."
Some scientists are as bad as NEWS HACKS; they can't stop preening or politicking.
Some scientists are as bad as NEWS HACKS; they can't stop preening or politicking.
In the classic Kaufman-and-Hart comedy The Man who Came to Dinner, an MD pesters the wheelchair-bound great man Sheridan Whiteside with a manuscript the size of the Manhattan telephone directory -- Forty Years an Ohio Doctor (or Forty Years Below the Navel, as Whiteside must put it).
This guy must be related.
This guy must be related.
Does anyone remember Son of Sam's memoirist Dick Schaap? Does anyone remember how you couldn't stop him from yapping that Charlie Hustle ought to be in THE HALL? I suspect that hack must be doing somersaults in his grave.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Our THIRD example of NEWS HACKS burying bad news. As you know, THE GREATEST MUSICAL OF ALL TIME IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT (last sentence drum roll please):
Attendance last week was 13,659, less than capacity.
TRANSLATION: When the greatest players in THE GREATEST MUSICAL OF ALL TIME are gone, attendance will fall off a cliff.
Attendance last week was 13,659, less than capacity.
TRANSLATION: When the greatest players in THE GREATEST MUSICAL OF ALL TIME are gone, attendance will fall off a cliff.
"pretentious windbag," "sleazy," "pompous," "grotesque"
One pretentious windbag, William F. "ROLL OVER, BEETHOVEN" Buckley, deserves another.
P. S. May we presume NewsMax!!!!!!!!!!!! runs The New York Observer's letters to the editor -- just in case? (It runs on Wednesdays.)
One pretentious windbag, William F. "ROLL OVER, BEETHOVEN" Buckley, deserves another.
P. S. May we presume NewsMax!!!!!!!!!!!! runs The New York Observer's letters to the editor -- just in case? (It runs on Wednesdays.)
Translation: this takes 10,000 WORDS of stultifyingly KEE-YUTE writing, and after 1,000 the reader will cry UNCLE!!!!!!!!!
More wasted bandwidth:
U.S. Says Plane Scare Apparently False Alarm
I'm certainly feeling secure, aren't you?
U.S. Says Plane Scare Apparently False Alarm
I'm certainly feeling secure, aren't you?
Another story that buries the unpleasant truth: The senior CLUNKER BROTHER got a good thing going with Jann "THE HIP TOTALITARIAN" Wenner's PR rag; now top Chevy executives can go all around DEE-troit yelling, "I'M FRIENDS WITH (FILL IN THE BLANK WITH A ONE-HIT WONDER) AND YOU'RE NOT!!!!!" (Talk about CHEVY Chase Syndrome!) Unfortunately, Celine the Screecher put the screeching brakes on Daimler's sales, and this brilliant campaign may not be doing Chevy a favor either, as revealed in the LAST PARAGRAPH:
Chevrolet, which has lost share in the car segment....
Better to make "friends" with no-talents than to help sales, right CLUNKER BROTHER? LET THEM EAT JOBS!
Chevrolet, which has lost share in the car segment....
Better to make "friends" with no-talents than to help sales, right CLUNKER BROTHER? LET THEM EAT JOBS!
With all due respect, does The Red Planet have anything other than rust and ice caps?
I don't know who the Producers Guild of America is, but I see all five of my best-picture OSCAR® nominees are on their list! (They cheated, though, by adding a sixth. Pfffffffffffft!)
Another sales pitch: you have to go all the way down the article to find Sir Schlockintosh's production of Oliver! which is playing these parts is (clear the throat here) "of the 'bus and truck' variety," but then the author is a rock-music-ad-blurb copywriter, so we can expect lots of hip-hopping around the truth.
I mention this show because another central tenet of Rendellism is filling the theaters with bus-and-truck-company productions as that allows the local hotels and eateries to hire more of the maids, janitors, bellhops and dishwashers that will fuel a city's economy.
I mention this show because another central tenet of Rendellism is filling the theaters with bus-and-truck-company productions as that allows the local hotels and eateries to hire more of the maids, janitors, bellhops and dishwashers that will fuel a city's economy.
SUBHEAD OF THE WEEK:
this is a peg boxthis is a peg boxthis is a pegboxthis is a peg boxthis is a peg boxthis is a peg boxthis is a peg box
I think we get the message.
this is a peg boxthis is a peg boxthis is a pegboxthis is a peg boxthis is a peg boxthis is a peg boxthis is a peg box
I think we get the message.
And speaking of junk news, Princess Di is alleged to have believed Bonnie Prince Charlie was out to kill her, proof those two royal airheads were made for each other.
Graydon Suckup may think he is ohhhhhhhh sooooooo smart launching his tirade against Honorary Mayor Mike, except for two things: 1. Mike IS the honorary mayor of New York, and 2., the last I looked, he is still the principal owner of Bloomberg L.P.
And as I said yesterday, we need look no further for junk news than the new Internet bubble about to be fueled by our favorite search-engine company. And Google celebrated last night by taking down Blogger for several hours -- and posting this error message for the grumbling faithful:
Due to planned maintenance, Blogger will be unavailable for a few hours starting at 11pm (Pacific) on Wednesday, November 12.
Thanks for your patience.
$100 BILLION FOR GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Due to planned maintenance, Blogger will be unavailable for a few hours starting at 11pm (Pacific) on Wednesday, November 12.
Thanks for your patience.
$100 BILLION FOR GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The last time I recall so much junk news was before 9/11. NEWS HACKS are directly culpable for that catastrophe because they did next to no reporting on the holy cockroaches, reporting that might have saved lives. Instead, it was all panem et circenses, with the self-serving justification that it made money. Sorry, if there's another Osama out there, I WANT TO KNOW. I do NOT want to know about publicity-seeking crocodile feeders, or "lost" lottery tickets, or the Former MRS. SLUT, or any one of your other favorites. I WANT NEWS, NOT PR.
Monday, January 05, 2004
INTERNET BUBBLE TWO BEGINS!!!!!
Wanna bet Google lays off the whole staff of Blogger? (Although things couldn't be much different if it did.)
Gotta say it again: I'm waiting for IPOs of BLOGS.
Wanna bet Google lays off the whole staff of Blogger? (Although things couldn't be much different if it did.)
Gotta say it again: I'm waiting for IPOs of BLOGS.
What's the difference between Sharialand and Democratic Kampuchea?
One thing's certain: in Democratic Kampuchea, they didn't wear mini-skirts either.
Of course, to news hacks, the people who institute these legal tantrums are CONSERVATIVE.
One thing's certain: in Democratic Kampuchea, they didn't wear mini-skirts either.
Of course, to news hacks, the people who institute these legal tantrums are CONSERVATIVE.
Raise the white flag and play "Taps": by sending police into its schools, New York City is admitting public education has mortally failed.
How soon we forget: the invaluable New Republic was for years a tool of Soviet Communism, and it took many, many years for the stain to go away.
Looks like the Buttmen, Dow 36,000 and "Barney Fag" Armey wrote some of these new overtime regs. Lower a worker's pay and then add overtime to equal his former salary -- GREAT IDEA! The knee-jerk hard-core conservatives are drooling over this one!
Today's Doonesbury Flashback Strip: My bad dad.
Translation: G. B.'s taking another one of his many, MANY vacations, so join us in a blast from the past as the Doone blasts Adolf W. Sr. (No, I didn't read it, and I'm not going to. Doonesbury's the Mallard Fillmore of the left.)
Translation: G. B.'s taking another one of his many, MANY vacations, so join us in a blast from the past as the Doone blasts Adolf W. Sr. (No, I didn't read it, and I'm not going to. Doonesbury's the Mallard Fillmore of the left.)
The future of the British Vicarage and Tea Time Club is being determined by BLOGS!
It's a good thing PROF's an agnostic or we'd never hear the end of it.
It's a good thing PROF's an agnostic or we'd never hear the end of it.
A funny thing happened on the way to a national bank: customers.
Don't the Buttmen and Dow 36,000s and "Barney Fag" Armeys realize most folks root for the little guy?
Don't the Buttmen and Dow 36,000s and "Barney Fag" Armeys realize most folks root for the little guy?
Another favorite pastime of America's STOOPIDS: paintball.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
And on the subject of heroes, if the world could have the same ecstatic feeling that overwhelms The Osama Channel studios every time those truthtellers remaster a tape, we'd be in nirvana.
Good news on the Mideast human rights front: Jordanians can still name kids after their heroes.
Looks like International S.T.A.L.I.N.I.S.T.S. will be having a busy time of it this year: on the 19th (MLK's b'day) they're staking out Madison Square Garden (rather as an al-Qaeda member would, one suspects) in the hopes they can someday spit on our soldiers as we force them home, rather like the good ol' days of Vietnam; and on March 20 they're rallying to end (among other things) THE JEWS' OCCUPATION OF ISRAEL!
Each marching step is one closer to the gates of Hell.
Each marching step is one closer to the gates of Hell.
More than a hundred people at Cornell University watch space rover land on Mars
And if I know the folks at Ithaca, THEY were THERE.
And if I know the folks at Ithaca, THEY were THERE.
Another mark of Rendellism, besides building all sorts of hotels and restaurants to lure hundreds of bellhops and busboys and waitresses and maids: building superexpensive condos. This serves the double wonderful function of making housing unaffordable in on one of the few inhabitable sections of a city, while the ghettoes -- well, we all know what the GHETTOES deserve.
Before the entertainment ad-blurb copywriters existed, the newspapers had real-estate whoring. Here's ANOTHER aspect of the news industry that should go to Jupiter.
Before the entertainment ad-blurb copywriters existed, the newspapers had real-estate whoring. Here's ANOTHER aspect of the news industry that should go to Jupiter.
Any marriage involving Madame Publicity Stunt will DEFINITELY be a practical joke.
Are they making odds at the sports books?
THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!, People rag -- who else "LEARNED" this?
Are they making odds at the sports books?
THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!, People rag -- who else "LEARNED" this?
NASA: 'We're back'
No you're not. There's still the little matter of the Orbiting Jalopy (a year ago next month, remember) and the added matter of what you're going to do when even you decide you can't fly the Jalopy any more. No, you're definitely not back.
No you're not. There's still the little matter of the Orbiting Jalopy (a year ago next month, remember) and the added matter of what you're going to do when even you decide you can't fly the Jalopy any more. No, you're definitely not back.