Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

It is a measure of how willing the HACKS are to BEND OVER for their brethren in SHOW-BIZ (the only difference is their scrolling credits are bylines) that they'll call anything OSCAR® material. Somehow though their lists look slightly less inviting after the fact. Still, let us look over Kyle's (man? woman?) list and make a few guesses ourselves:

Good Night. And Good Luck (Oct. 7)

I don't know how Rosie's nephew can tie the photogenic story of Ed and Fred into the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL of Dubya and Iraq, but he'll manage, he'll manage. A BO bomb, needless to say, just like his take on the CIA (PFFH-HH-HH!!!!!).

Elizabethtown (Oct. 14)

This sounds like a comic weepie, and if the tragic tale of Cinderella Man says anything it's that the very few adults who attend movies anymore have a limited tolerance for anything that's stamped AN ADULT MOVIE, and especially for weepies. They can see through the strategem of trying to justify all those comic books with OSCAR® BAIT. A lot, however, depends on how the HACKS sell it, and if they can say WORD OF MOUTH often enough it will probably be a hit.

Northcountry (Oct. 14)
Walk the Line (Nov. 18)

Seems to me we've done a few movies on SEXUAL HARASSMENT before --well, we ARE the EXPERTS -- but that's not what I'm interested in; I'm interested in what is sure to be an EXTREEEEEEEEMELY SERIOUS TAKE on JOHNNY CASH, turning him from a country superstar into a Jesus who boozed and drugged for our sins, and BANGS HIS HEAD AGAINST A BEDPOST in repentance. This may be the most self-serious bio in years -- and Joaquin Phoenix will GET his @#$%&* OSCAR®.

That was a shrewd PR stunt, RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The film's gone WAY UP on HSX, as if that matters.

Jarhead (Nov. 4)

Not only is our EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL war in Iraq wrong -- SO WAS THE FIRST ONE!

It was new for LUCAS SPIELBERG to turn D-Day into a theme park, but one suspects the public is getting sick of these anti-war movies.

The New World (Nov. 9)

Didn't ESPNCORP already give us a PC take on POCAHONTAS?

Breakfast on Pluto (Nov. 18)

When I saw the words Pluto and Murphy I thought, OH, NO! A REMAKE?!?!? Sadly it's just another arthouse film, and thus a possible OSCAR® nominee no matter how droopy and boring it is, as it no doubt will be.

Rent (Nov. 23)
The Producers (Dec. 21)

These two will get lots of fatuous raves from the ad-blurb copywriters, who will think they're bringing Arthur Freed back from the dead, but here's guessing they both get disrespectful reviews from the very few discerning critics left, the first because Puccini did it better, the second because mugging may not be comedy -- especially the THIRD time around.

Memoirs of A Geisha (Dec. 9)
Brokeback Mountain (Dec. 9)

Several years ago there was a SURE FIRE BEST-PICTURE-OSCAR® WINNER!!!!! called Warm Mountain or something, some sort of period piece the blurbists proclaimed the next Gone With the Wind or something, and it tanked at the B.O. because as it happened somebody already did Gone With the Wind. There've been enough bombs made of LI-TE-RA-RY novels that I might want to wager our geisha tale would be in that category. As for the second, how can a proud arthouse season be without a GAY MOVIE?

All the king's men [SIC] (Dec. 16)

Why remake a BEST-PICTURE-OSCAR® WINNER that starred BRODERICK CRAWFORD?

Munich (Dec. 23)

Here is your winner for 2005: it's PC, it makes the JEWS villains, and it explains that the MILITANTS of Munich were depraved on accounta they were deprived. Plus, it's the MASTER. (!!!!!) The 50-strong PAPER OF RE-CORD movie-blurbist staff must DREAD its arrival; on the one hand, raving it may unleash the fierce pain of much of its readership; on the other hand, panning it will unleash the fierce screaming of THE LORD GOD PINCH. When the time comes these folks will tread such a fine rope they could unbalance a Wallenda. Then again Luke isn't stupid; He knows if He tweaks something the right way with the blurbists He can make the greatest movie of all time. Yes, there is no upstaging destiny:

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ACCEPT THE AWARD, LUCAS SPIELBERG!