Posted 9:42 AM by Gene

As Mr. Mark ceased running news in his rag years ago -- lately the cover topics have resembled Useless News's boring service features, and we can only say, more of them! -- he's decided, what the heck, if we're going to engage in show-biz buggery let's go all the way! So he stages a Valentine's-Day party in advance in which all the big-name participants exchange phone numbers. The hack who says "fascinating" and "uncensored" as his hacks do here is like the politician who says "frankly" -- his sole purpose is to make money and shaft the public. But despite the unprecedented orgy of CW Mr. Mark is nothing if not the MARKeter; he knows his coffee tables won't go for a bunch of high-toned table-pounding arthouse bores, so unlike last year save for a little squib he didn't put them on the cover, however immortal they are -- truly a loss for humanity! Elsewhere we spin for Her Royal Highness Oprah, in the hopes She'll return the favor by letting us in on Her zillions.

It feels like we're in the 1970s again.

TRANSLATION: PINCH ME!! Movies are BETTER THAN EVER!! And I've found my ONE TRUE LOVE -- ME!!!!!

And the shame of it is, here's a short, riveting piece on the treatment of mental illness, but because it's in Mr. Mark's rag we might not take the trouble to see it, disgusted as we are with his spin and sell.