Posted 9:05 PM by Gene

One of the ways the newsrags try to keep themselves alive (aside from frequent transfusions of staffers and the subsequent leeching thereof) is with profoundly stupid features involving lists. And AMERICA'S LEA -- er, the slightly lesser of the Tweedledum and Tweedledee of the news has come up with doozy: asking very (and mostly undeservedly) famous middle-aged people to list three things they'll do with "the rest of their lives." It is not clear how much of it is in earnest and how much of it is self-parody. When the figurehead of the sinister Cerberus vulture-cap firm Mr. Quail, Quayil, QUAYLE says what he'll do you can be sure he'll only do speechmaking and lobbying. On the other hand when ONE OF AMERICA'S GREATEST WRITERS, MISTAH KING, quakes at his keyboard suggesting trying Dubya for "crimes against humanity", it is with the total sincerity of an ass; then again when he suggests that American Idol be canceled it is with the total insincerity of an ass. (His friend in li-te-rah-tee-yure MISTAH BOGOSIAN can't wait to "[r]ead The New York Times [SIC] headline US FORCES LEAVE IRAQ TODAY", which might bring on other heds in that paper -- if it can print. We really do think, though, he should "learn to speak Armenian" -- if it will keep him from speaking English.) Thankfully most of them leave aside the political DEEEEEEEEEEEP THINKING and express the desire to do the sorts of things people are supposed to desire to do but that after further thought (or any thought) they really couldn't care less about. (And really we couldn't care less about the likes of Dr. Wimp except to say the sooner such folk exit the public stage the better.) In short, we get bubbleheads speaking mostly in platitudes, which is fine with an automatic editor like JonBoy and his automatic rag.

Now when will people put something on their to-do lists, be they middle-aged or otherwise -- STOP SUBSCRIBING TO STUPID NEWSRAGS?????