Posted 12:23 PM by Gene

We hate to harp on something that means zilch to most people -- in this case, BRANSON EAST -- but it occurred to us today that there are three types of what used to be called "theater": the first is the hundred-seat in-the-round where ac-TORS scream of their alienation, or that hosts intimate revues of why women can't get laid, usually featuring women who can't for a reason. Well-meaning types who think they are supporting AHT sell out the joints and lavish them with bird-cage-liner-bound raves. The second are the garages, the 1500-seaters in the big cities, many of which were movie houses, elaborately reinforced and wired and featuring the latest hydraulic lifts to service the never ending traffic jam of the buses and trucks unloading Legally Blonde or WICKED for the five-thousandth time for blue-rinse types who think by being indiscriminate they're being discriminating. And then there's BRANSON EAST. Not one tier has much to do with any other except to confirm the notion of theater being a means to justify spending $50 on valet parking.

We mention this because of the upcoming Spider-Man theme park. We'd argue one of the many reasons KERNGERSHWIN HAMMERSTEIN's masterpiece failed (aside from the obvious one that it smelled like Pepe LePew in heat) was that it played in too small of a park. Oh yes, it was said the HHilton was a barn; but perhaps today's theaters aren't barn-like enough -- seat 3,000 and ELVIS! Sillerman wouldn't have had to lift his leg and ask for $450. Since BRANSON EAST no longer has any connection to art why not build bigger theme parks? We can't imagine where the Real-TORS called Shuberts would find the room but since they're staging glorified rock concerts without the concert they can always justify it. Heck we're sure in this downturn HONORARY MAYOR MIKE could easily find them the money. And BRANSON EAST is all about money; God knows actually entertaining people went out the window long ago.