Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

In one of the greatest distributions of a resume in newspaper history, a hack named Vinay whinnies that TV has turned our life into paradise. Or to quote some of the wind he/she/it expels from his/her/its lower orifice,

Without television, they might still be fighting in Vietnam. [Or, since this hack can't write, maybe "they" would have concluded the war successfully and several millions of Southeast Asians would still be alive.] The Tiananmen Square massacre may have escaped detection. [Boy did that make a big difference.] Cameras were there when JFK and Trudeau [HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! These Canadians are SO -- er, provincial] were laid to rest, when the Shuttle went up [and blew up, again and again and again and again and again], when the Berlin Wall came down [and the Osama empire went up, hardy har har], when The Newsroom [some CBC series nobody here has ever heard of] said hello, when Cheers said goodbye.

TV also brought us reality programs, MTV, Comedy Central, Oprah, Jerry Springer, the WTC falling 50 billion times, the OJ chase, race riots like LA '92, focus groups, CNN's intrepid reporting of Tailwind and from Iraq, non-stop pundits, non-stop advertising, The Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, Gilligan's Island, the CNBC Bubble, al Jazeera, the month-long anthrax panic, the presidency of Richard Nixon, the presidency of Billy Jeff, the 2000 presidential election, crooks and rogues like Barry and Enright and Chuck Barris and Jim "The Cobra" Aubrey and Fred Silverman and Aaron Spelling and RUPERT!!!!!!!!! and Sumner and Jesus II and Mickey Mouse Michael and Geraldo and Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart, pompous asses like HHWWalter Crrronkite and Norman Lear and GOD and Lord Koppel of Eisner, the Deer Hunter suicides, Action News, $12 million anchormen, $500 million athletes, canned laughter, monopolies, TV "critics" -- but why go on with the mentally challenged? He/she/it goes on,

[I]n my experience children who watch shows such as Bob The Builder or Teletubbies seem to be bright, engaged and well-adjusted.

Kids who watch no television at all — not so much.

Okay, Know-It-All, explain why home-schoolers -- many of whom probably are raised without television -- make up a disproportionate number of the finalists in contests like the National Spelling Bee? But then to systematically dissect this piece of dead frog in print would take days and ruin my eyesight. We can end it, though, with his/her/its last line:

So the real test is this: Can you turn it off?

Yes, you can turn the television off. BUT WHO CAN TURN TELEVISION OFF?!?!?

Happily, some nerd at the Toronto Star's Web site got the last laugh:

Time to accept television f[SIC]

(Courtesy of the IMBECILES at ArtsJournal.com, who HAD to link to this.)