Posted 9:35 PM by Gene

The Moose did such a great job with the Beltway Sniper investigation, he's going to write a book!

Well, he won't write the book. With his advance he won't have to.

Posted 8:46 PM by Gene

AOL earns $2 million a year on "Happy Birthday to You." Or as Trent Lott said in his insufferable burbling-jackass baritone, as he clinked champagne glasses with Jack and Hilary upon the Supremes' decision, "Well ahumahuhuh, eiyt wuz the least Ah could deoo for mah -- for mah friends. Copahright should be indefinite mahnus a day, yeew said eiyt, Jayack! And as Ah've always told the crook -- Ah mean, mah feallow Seaynators -- eiyn the lobbyists' -- Ah mean, the Seaynators' cloakroom (Ah did a lot o' greasin' o' the skids for you folks, and sometahms yeew cain't tell a lobbyist frum a Seaynator, raht Jayack? Yeew could be thahyt ol' idi -- the distinguished Praysidaynt Pro Tempoor Emayritus from Wayst Virgeenia. He's a fraynd o' Ceecero, 'n' so're yeew! Ah just hope we wouldn't hayf to beeld yeew a million-dollar eendoor aouthause so he c'n -- Ah mean, Ah hope we can show yeew sum respeayct teoo, when yeew geayt eiyn hees position. But Ah gotta say when yeew helped me ayout with mah expens -- weith helpin' to represaynt the people of mah beloved state o' Meissiseippi, they shooor did gayt greasier, eiyf y'know whut Ah mean), but lahk Ah was sayin', and yeew believe theis too Jayack -- and Heelary, whut's good for AOL eiys good for America. Ayn' lemme tellya somethin': Fayfteen yeears frum naow, eiyf Ah'm steel here -- Ah figure eiyf thahyt ol' coot -- Ah mean, thahyt ol' bugger -- er, the old bas -- uh, who cost me mah majoh -- Ah mean, the retahred distinguished former Seenior Seaynator frum Sayouth Cayrolahna (lotta good thahyt favor deid, thahyt moldy ol'), c'n serve till he needed four nig -- four assaystants to carry heim eiynto the Seaynate chamber eiyn a handchayr, and they hayd to raise his daymfool -- ah mean, heays hand ever' tahm to vote, SO CAYN AH! -- Weall, fayfteen yeears frum naow, mark mah words people, Ah'm gonna make AOL even better! You'll still be here woncha Jayack? All RAHHHHT!! Pass me thahyt bribe -- Ah mean, thuh whores dervers, if you would Heelary?"

Thanks again, Mr. Chairman of the Rules Committee.

Posted 8:16 PM by Gene

NOTE: I HATE rewriting! But I have to do it. I don't know how many corrections I made re the Eagles' "tragedy." (I confess; I decided not to call the perpetrator an "idiot.") I also had to rework the business about LA's black murder victims because my first try may have been too ironic and thus misunderstood, and I wanted to loudly back the families of the victims, and the police officers of all races (especially blacks) crunched between numbing PD bureaucracy and raging demagogues like Maxine. As I said before, I will rewrite constantly, so please, non-existent lurkers, bear with me. Thanks!

P. S. Happily I don't need spell-check, and I don't think I've made mistakes. Andy Rooney once remarked that he thought spell-check was a crutch, but even the best spellers have slipps of the fingers. (See?) Judging from other blogs here I'd say, they need it. (I do intend to comment on them, eventually.)

P. P. S. Bloggers! Don't EVER go with your first draft!

Posted 4:38 PM by Gene

It's okay, Maxine! It's only blacks killing other blacks. Everything's fine.

That's how you think when a Maxine turns riot into "rebellion." But in her hermetically-sealed void of a head, there are no black police officers -- and no black crime victims.

Posted 4:09 PM by Gene

Don't you just love a pop-up ad that reads, "The page cannot be displayed"?

Posted 4:02 PM by Gene

The Super Bowl doesn't make money, and it doesn't help the premieres that follow. But it's still a great thing to have, right?

Chevy Chase Syndrome again.

Posted 3:27 PM by Gene

NEWS HACKS mourn a Soviet spy. (I'm not giving up on that term!) A "pioneer," jes like ol' Dan'l Boone, stakin' a claim in the Kremlin on $200 and a bottle o' whiskey.

Posted 2:23 PM by Gene

I see I have used the term "news hacks" about twenty times. I'm not calling them "journalists." That's like calling a garbageman a sanitation engineer (God knows they're in the same business). Besides, am I going to endow an AP drone with the same term as Boswell, Dickens, Hemingway and Orwell? Not on your life! Well how about "reporter," then? Because not all news hacks report; some are incoherent columnists, some are movie-ad-blurb copywriters, some are senior-citizen groupies, some are millionaire toadies, and so forth. No, the dictionary defines "news" as "new information of any kind" (never mind that most "news" writing is old as the hilburns), and "hack" as "a writer hired to produce routine or commercial writing." Hackwork is worse on a deadline. Hence -- NEWS HACKS.

Posted 12:45 PM by Gene

The holy cockroaches stage another extermination.

I like that banner some of the cockroaches' friends are holding. Their American flag has seventeen stripes -- and two fly screens.

"...Whose broad stripes and bright fly screens...."

Posted 12:28 PM by Gene

Well blogger guy, you're up against it: Jimmy Kimmel's show isn't airing in Washington -- or six other cities, because a Disney Network Affiliate Mint owner figures he can make more money that way.

Ya gotta love the hacks though. Lisa De Moraes says the show's originating from a venue "on a still-dicey stretch of Hollywood Boulevard" -- as opposed to the still dicey-and-slicey stretches of D. C.

Posted 11:49 AM by Gene

The local Philadelphia news hacks are still in shock that the Iggles lost. One of them, a Dan DeLuca, has called it a "tragedy." Hey clown, tragedy is the parent killed by a drunk driver, or the child succumbing to disease. To call this roadblock to Jeff Lurie's superzillionairedom a "tragedy" is an outrage. Here is but another of the army of automatic typists who so misuse and overuse words they make readers tear out their hair; take "hip", or "genius," or "edgy," or "legendary." If the clown meant it as some sort of ironic jokey expression (news hacks will do this) it wasn't funny. The Tony Ridders of the world will deny it, but it isn't that far a trip from such unforgivable use of a word to "WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH." But then, ignorance has always been strength at the Inky. Ask anyone who was manhandled by the Annenbergs.

Posted 11:38 AM by Gene

Several "bleep words" go out accidentally on the air, and the mighty New York Times smells a trend. Here's one reason people increasingly roll their eyes in its presence, and why so many now know its editor's name, which wasn't true, say, twenty years ago.

Posted 11:16 AM by Gene

Peter Bart's biiiiiiiiiig mouth has returned to haunt him.

Posted 11:11 AM by Gene

There was a widespread Internet slowdown this morning, perhaps prompted by a virus.

How could most people tell the difference?

Posted 10:18 PM by Gene

Some happy news: the manatee is making a comeback. God did not make big and beautiful exclusive.

Posted 9:46 PM by Gene

The sports news hacks who beg us to believe (with a bit too much of a smug smirk for begging) that Charlie Hustle did nuttin wrong and belongs in the Hall may have suffered a slight setback.

Posted 9:30 PM by Gene

If the peace movement wants to really be of use, it should concentrate on Kashmir. Why must a rock pile inspire a nuclear war?

I mention this because one of our ambassadors said something that made Pakistanis unhappy, which in turn might make the Indians unhappy, and suddenly the pile almost glows with its potential for cataclysm.

Posted 9:23 PM by Gene

I see that cause celebre at Random House just got a job with Penguin Putnam, which means, the Times intimates, some big-ego authors may be moving.

Honestly, I don't care what happens to Anna Quindlen.

Posted 9:09 PM by Gene

Well, I guess we are serious. Let's pray Saddam isn't.

Posted 8:43 PM by Gene

I was trying to look up the name of a cartoon for use in a post (something from MGM about fleas in Paris) when I came across this site, a listing of cartoons censored by AOL for its cable channels. I can see why the company might be reluctant to air some of these when children are watching, and God knows Hollywood put out too many cartoons with blackface, and with ching-chong Orientals; but this same company owns HBO, and as Tom Shales noted in a recent column, its celebrated original programs now air at any time on the schedule, and would certainly air anytime if they were ever syndicated (which, knowing America's willfully ignorant sponsors, is always possible). If you're so sensitive, King Richard, just put these shorts back in the vaults, or limit their distribution to DVD. This is a disgrace. His Royal Highness already interrupts my sojourns three or four times a day. I should switch to AT&T but rigid habit prevents me. I may yet.

Posted 6:12 PM by Gene

It's official! The Gallup Organization says the Raiders will win the Super Bowl.

Don't you folks have anything else to poll about?

FLASH! "AMERICANS BRACED FOR EXCITING GAME!" Doot-do-doo-dooooo-do-dooo-doo-doo-doot!

Posted 5:54 PM by Gene

I hate it when social scientists try to prove truisms.

Nonetheless, why am I not surprised by this?

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

I can see why NewsMax would call the Al Sharpton fire suspicious. I can also see why the Times would call it suspicious.

Small minds think alike.

Posted 4:03 PM by Gene

ShowBIZData is reporting that New York University is teaching courses in anime. That means thousands more people will now learn how to draw permanent adolescents with pale skin, big hair, microscopic pug noses, ittle bitty lips and beady eyes.

Posted 3:52 PM by Gene

A big drug-store chain yet again boasts to the world it doesn't know what it's doing. Things would scarcely be different if Walgreens, Rite-Aid, CVS and Eckerd were owned by the same company. They may as well be.

Posted 2:38 PM by Gene

The First Lady -- I mean, the former First Lady, Senator Rodham -- er, Senator Clinton, whose ex-hus -- I mean, whose ex-president husband bombed an aspirin factory, is assailing Dubya for fostering a "myth of national security."

Hey Hillary! Your hubby was pretty good at telling tales too. (But gee, you're pretty good yourself; you told people you were named for Edmund Hillary because he climbed Mt. Everest. Problem was, that happened more than five years after you were born. A myth here and a myth there, and soon we're talking real -- votes.)

Posted 2:07 PM by Gene

Talk about grade inflation: The International Atomic Energy Agency is giving Saddam a B for his "cooperation." Of course, anybody in Iraq who cooperates with international inspectors is more likely to get an F.

Hey! NewsMax used the same opening line! SOMEBODY'S BEEN READING MY BLOG!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Posted 1:57 PM by Gene

P. R. ISN'T LYING! Not if Howell "The Tantrum" Raines says so. Certainly not if Howell "Groom-Elect" Raines says so.

Posted 12:08 PM by Gene

AOL Time Warner magazine does it again:

The article "Look Away, Dixieland" [Jan. 27] stated that President George W. Bush "quietly reinstated" a tradition of having the White House deliver a floral wreath to the Confederate Memorial at Arlington National Cemetery — a practice "that his father had halted in 1990." The story is wrong. First, the elder president Bush did not, as TIME reported, end the decades-old practice of the White House delivering a wreath to the Confederate Memorial; he changed the date on which the wreath is delivered from the day that some southern heritage groups commemorate Jefferson Davis's birthday to the federal Memorial Day holiday. Second, according to documents provided by the White House this week, the practice of delivering a wreath to the Confederate Memorial on Memorial Day continued under Bill Clinton as it does under George W. Bush.

Now click here for the original story.

Whooooooooooooops.

Posted 12:01 PM by Gene

How is building twenty thousand new shopping malls in ever shrinking exurbs good for the economy?

Posted 11:58 AM by Gene

Hey elected frauds! This is what you get when you throw umpteen zillions away on sports stadiums -- law suits and ingratitude. Every owner is a potential Al Davis. Keep your wallets shut.

Posted 11:26 AM by Gene

Sighhhhhhhhhh. Barry Diller walks on water again. He's a "genius." (Another word to ban from the news hack's lexicon.) So was Legendary Welch. So was Dennis Kozlowski. So was Roberto "I Introduced New Coke Because I Smoke All the Time And Couldn't Tell the Difference" Goizueta. These show-biz "geniuses" in particular do nothing but package the same old baloney in the same old nice new wrappers. I guess that's why news hacks call them "geniuses."

Posted 8:53 PM by Gene

AOL will not magically return to its shareholders' favor with puny asset sales. King Richard must admit that the days of $90 a share are gone forever; that "synergy" is a sham; and that the company and its shareholders would best be served by tripartite break-up: the cable systems, with an Internet stub; the movie, TV and record businesses; and Time Inc. reconstituted with CNN. Big media are antithetical to a democracy, and have been a business failure. Time to swallow hard and divest.

The same with Disney. It too should break up into three parts: the theme-park business, reorganized as a REIT; ESPN as a stand-alone outfit; and the TV and "adult" (ha ha) film businesses. The company should also sell its retail stores and shut down Michael's largely unsuccessful social experiments (restaurants, book publishing, "adult" records).

Posted 8:00 PM by Gene

There are many writers out there of whom one may ask, "Isn't it time to retire?" Mary McGrory is one of them. She says 250,000 showed for A.N.S.W.E.R.; her number's not far from the Stalinists' half-a-million. Nowhere does she mention all the posters that likened Bush and his cabinet to Nazis, or the occasional burned flag, or the speakers who called the U. S. "the real terrorist." She notes, with the typical fatuous sigh of the over-the-hill news hack, that one of the protestors admires Paul Robeson, a great singer and actor -- and a Stalinist quack. Even a few leftists have questioned the A.N.S.W.E.R. string pulling. Not our Mary. Andy S. says he's in luuuuuuuuuuuve with the Post's editorials. He obviously hasn't read Ms. McGrory.

Posted 4:12 PM by Gene

Aren't hockey goons supposed to keep their fights on the ice?

Posted 4:05 PM by Gene

Nell Carter, who went from a sensational role in Ain't Misbehavin' to sitcom purgatory, has died, at all of 54. She deserved much better than her talent got.

Posted 3:17 PM by Gene

News hacks are getting noticeably antsy that Dubya might appoint conservative judges. Well what do these idiots expect? We have a Republican president and a Republican Senate. Do they really foresee the second coming of Earl Warren? I don't know how many times Linda Greenhouse has admonished us that the Supremes are a "political body." They can make bad law both ways: take Dred Scott, or Roe v. Wade. And it wasn't Calvin Coolidge who tried packing the court with cronies. The Supremes are the finger in the wind, in legalese. Why shouldn't a president, er, point the finger?

Posted 3:08 PM by Gene

Does anyone want to bet the RIAA's interviewing Jack? It would make sense: most of the same companies are in the record and movie businesses, and they're run by folks with the sense of a wet noodle, the brains of a cement block and the egos of God creating the universe. If the RIAA really wants to send a message -- "Here! We're sticking it to you!" -- they'll hire Jack. Once it got on the Web his appointment would last two minutes.

Posted 1:58 PM by Gene

The rumbling has begun: AOL is selling its trade book unit. What's next on the block? King Richard's head?

Posted 1:47 PM by Gene

The Feds are about to spend $400 million (it says here) to improve the looks of the Potomac Casino and allow pedestrian access.

That's a lot of money to drop at the baccarat tables.

Posted 1:14 PM by Gene

You won't see this on Fox News: Slick "Legacy" Clinton was in the New York Post's newsroom to go a'courtin' on Rupert. Could it be he was delivering thanks for the campaign contributions to AL GORE? Perish the thought!

Posted 12:47 PM by Gene

I argue that McDonald's nosedive happened because it advertises excessively on television and has turned its franchises into commercials. People had long been accustomed to the bad food, the dirty floors, the surly help; but when they walked into the restaurants they were increasingly bombarded with promos -- promos for Batman (a tremendous embarrassment), promos for the Olympics, promos for The Flintstones, promos for Jurassic Park, then the big Disney deal which meant promos for Disney films, promos for the Disney Network, promos for. . . . When they got home they were bombarded with ads that insulted their intelligence. Meanwhile the food stayed bad, the floors stayed dirty, the help stayed surly. So what must normal folk think? That McDonald's is in business to finance junk television -- and rotten movies. That and its senior executives have a terminal case of Chevy Chase syndrome. Sales increases turned into sales declines. Then the big sweepstakes scam came along. This was a body blow because the sweepstakes anchored so much of the TV advertising and the promo activity. Then people found they had alternatives that offered better food. Now Mickey D's is closing 719 restaurants and is cutting back on its expansion plans. Good for them.

Jim Cantalupo: Remember Howard Johnson's?

P. S. To those who say it's solely the food, I say Burger King (whose burgers are marginally better -- very marginally) has also relied heavily on promos -- and it's in worse shape than McDonald's. Diageo just sold it off at close to a fire-sale price.

Posted 12:33 PM by Gene

As rumored, Howell "The Tantrum" Raines has appointed a 27-year-old editor for his Arts and Leisure section, which I guess means we're in for a ton of puff pieces about rappers and bad rock bands. They'll go well with his strokes on the op-ed pages. Thanks again, Mouth from the South.

Posted 12:28 PM by Gene

In the past few days several bloggers have advanced the worthwhile notion that screaming "McCARTHYISM" is a way of checkmating talk on the evils of communism. So what happens? Robert Redford (you're not that good looking anymore, Bob!) screams "McCARTHYISM"!!!!! His problem, though, isn't communism, it's bad movies. He's still mad that somebody "censored" his original ad for The Last Castle, which featured an upside-down U. S. flag. To which I answer, it came out just after 9/11, BOB, and (and this is what really makes YOU mad) it was a box-office bomb! Shut up, Bob. Your crow's feet are having baby crows.

Posted 9:12 PM by Gene

Rush Limbaugh has taken to calling John Kerry "Lurch." I don't know. With that pompadour a better nickname might be "Thing."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Posted 8:33 PM by Gene

No sooner do I suggest unearthing old blueprints for the WTC site than someone suggests an old dream by Antoni Gaudi, designer of the Sagrada Familia Church in Barcelona.

What do I think? I think it's ducky! As in DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24 1/2TH CENTURY!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 7:52 PM by Gene

What a crock this is. It seems the big-box boys, having emptied our cities (and in Wal-Mart's case, our small towns) with their infernal boxes, have decided the boxes are too big, so they're building smaller boxes. Why? Because "the customers" have told them so. Does this mean the big-box boys will build their smaller boxes in areas that are now underretailed? No. Their site selection is done by computer -- and by prejudice.

Posted 7:35 PM by Gene

I hope I'm wrong in thinking the withdrawal of Skidmore, Owings and Merrill from the WTC redesign contest is bad news. They're the suits of architecture and have put up more refrigerators than anyone, but at least their presence offered continuity. Now the "avant-garde" (ah! How the Times LOVES that word) has a better chance at building 3,000-foot-high Tinkertoy sculptures or two-block-long glass walls. I fear whatever replaces the WTC will be a) ugly, b) impractical, c) a white elephant, or ideally, d) all of the above.

I really believe a better idea would be to dust off old blueprints of buildings that could have been masterpieces but were never built, for one reason or another. The various designs for the Tribune Building in Chicago come to mind. Otherwise, the result will be a permanent eyesore, and the world's worst practical joke.

Posted 7:25 PM by Gene

Shucks! It was only an extension cord.

Now NewsMax will have to search for other conspiracies.

Posted 7:01 PM by Gene

Hilary's quitting!! (The RIAA boss, NOT the senator.)

Now if only Jack would do the same, sighhhhhhh.

Posted 6:34 PM by Gene

There's something about this headline: "NASA to go nuclear." It sounds like "Postal Service to go nuclear." (Which could read, "Nuclear to go postal.")

Posted 3:40 PM by Gene

Lisa Marie engages in mind control.

Posted 3:33 PM by Gene

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Al Sharpton's office caught fire! Blame Whitey.

(I have since learned this story was apparently first broken on the Web by NewsMax, which guarantees it won't be taken seriously.)

Posted 3:20 PM by Gene

R. Kelly became a favorite of the pointy-haired cretins who program foreground Muzak (about which more later) with "I believe I can flyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY
yyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY"
(add your own melisma here).

So you must understand I'm happy to hear this news.

Hey R. ("whose real name is Robert"), you're grounded.

Posted 3:15 PM by Gene

Well! I certainly do feel better about being single.

Posted 3:09 PM by Gene

Let's take up a collection: Jim Romenesko says Sam Donaldson "is a famous TV newsman without a channel." Awwwwwwwwwww.

Posted 2:59 PM by Gene

I hate McDonald's too, but national nannies, repeat after me: A Big Mac is NOT a cigarette.

Posted 2:43 PM by Gene

Who knew that the French and the Germans, opponents in two world wars, could be so united in perfidy?

Posted 2:33 PM by Gene

To those who insist on defining abortion as a matter of "choice": Remember who chooses -- and who gets chosen.

Posted 1:14 PM by Gene

I must confess I'm feeling mightily blue after reading this highly-celebratory press release about a blogger who's graduated to the staff of Jimmy Kimmel's new show on the Disney Network. (That he blogged for the Disney Sports Cable Channel didn't hurt. Hooray for synergy. That the article contained a word that must be banned from use by news hacks -- HIP -- didn't help. . .my mood.) Nonetheless, even as I congratulate him with the back of my hand, I must ask him:

Have you ever heard of Paul W. Keyes?

Keyes was the producer and head writer of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, one of those immense successes that escapes posterity. He was also a friend of Richard Nixon's. At Keyes's instigation Tricky Dick appeared before the camera to utter one of the show's utterly forgotten catch phrases -- "Sock it to ME?!?" -- his famous jowls humorlessly sagging, his famous rumbling baritone suitably flatulent. Thanks to Keyes (and no small thanks to George Wallace either for splitting the Democratic vote), the Trickster won the '68 election over Hubert Humphrey by several hundred thousand votes; thanks to Keyes (and Wallace), we got one of the worst presidents ever, at one of the worst times ever. The guy probably never stopped hugging himself -- until Nixon produced Liddy and Hunt's Break-In. And this was one of the most renowned and prosperous comedy writers in TV. Have you ever heard of Paul W. Keyes?

As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for; you might get it.

P. S. That catch phrase was introduced by the immensely cute Judy Carne, an ex of Burt Reynolds's. She quit TV to become a junkie. She survived. Every time she said "Sock it to me!" she was drenched with a bucket of water. She was even drenched in public. By rights Tricky should have been beaned with a ton of bricks. Being a friend of the producer had its advantages.

P. P. S. Legend has it that Keyes invited Humphrey and Wallace on the show (in part due to the notorious Fairness Doctrine); being TV fuddy-duddies, they declined. Knowing Nixon I suspect he hadn't the slightest inclination to let Keyes do so but had him invent his little tale so as not to look too suspicious. "Moon the People and Cover Your Arse" was Richard Nixon's motto.

P. P. P. S. Note the URL on the Jimmy Kimmel site. Is this a production of Disney News?

Posted 10:24 PM by Gene

H. L. Mencken's rep has taken a ferocious beating since Terry Teachout's (how do you pronounce that name?) biography The Skeptic appeared to favorable reviews several months ago. I once revered the Sage of Baltimore too, but it's hard to kneel before a hero who was a flaming Jew-hater (a far cry from Jonathan Yardley's harmless hot-tempered clown), an idiot stalwart for Germany through the two world wars, and, in the end, a philistine. Even the celebrated style palls. Here's an excerpt from an article ("How Much Should a Woman Eat?") Russell Baker deemed fit to run in his deadly humor anthology:

Every competent circus man knows to the fraction of an ounce how much food his various and exotic charges require in the course of 24 hours. He knows that an elephant of such-and-such tonnage needs so-and-so much hay; that a snake of such-and-such a distance from fang to rattle needs so-and-so many rabbits, rats and other snakes. And in the army, by the same token, the dietetic demands of the soldier are worked out to three places of decimals. A private carrying 80 pounds of luggage, with the temperature at 65°, can march 18 1/3 miles in 16 2/3 hours upon three ham sandwiches, half a pint of stuffed olives and a plug of plantation twist. A general weighing 285 pounds can ride a cayuse up four hills, each 345 feet in height, on 6 ginger snaps and 12 scotch highballs. Experiments are made to determine these things, and the results are carefully noted in official handbooks, and so attain the force of military regulations. And so on. And so on and so on. And so on and so on and so on.

Let's not put too fine a nose job upon this: This is blather. This is filler. This is BS.

(By the way, the last three sentences aren't from the article; they're from a review of a book by Irvin S. Cobb. But they fit in quite nicely.)

Posted 8:40 PM by Gene

The Times is instructing Dubya he mustn't take conservative positions because "the center" might not re-elect him. OOOOoooh. Scare me.

Posted 7:12 PM by Gene

Read this, from The Boston Globe, and get mad:

The editor of a sizable newspaper told me recently that he decided the racial makeup of four new hires - two minorities, a white woman, and a white male - before reviewing a single applicant. In other words, if Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein applied, only one of them would get a slot.

As Andrew Sullivan says,

Isn't that illegal? And if a leading editor is enforcing illegal racist hiring policies, shouldn't a journalist tell us who he or she is? Or are liberal editors above the law?

Posted 6:15 PM by Gene

I see Little Jeffrey Immelt, successor to Legendary Welch, is running all over the place screaming, "I RUN THIS COMPANY!!!!!" Some perfesser at Harvard has said the Goodthings campaign Little Jeffrey's tantrum has replaced was an act comparable to curing cancer. Its intent was always dishonest; when the sickeningly sweet ads and their attendant cloying jingle launched in 1979 they neutralized the inconvenient fact that GE was then a big defense contractor; two years later, when Legendary took over, they blurred the image of a company that fired people by the hundreds of thousands so ol' Neutron could have a huge payday. People forget that during all the firing Jack the Ripper spent millions modifying the GE logo so he could say, "I RUN THIS COMPANY!!!!!" For years The Goodthings Guys and ADM jointly sponsored This Week with David Brinkley, which made me think the two companies were in cahoots and that Legendary Welch and Dwayne Andreas were separated at birth. Alas, in the end, Goodthings did no good. Even the folks at Fairfield recognized its ludicrousness.

Do you remember the old GE slogan -- "Progress is Our Most Important Product"? I'll bet GE could have gone back to that and done better. Do you remember that GE sponsored the College Bowl? That probably engendered more warm feelings than the whole Goodthings campaign. Little Jeffrey would never think of it. He wants to RUN THE COMPANY.

(Heck, they'd do better bringing back Mr. Magoo as the spokesman for GE lightbulbs.)

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

It's increasingly clear that the evil geniuses of al-Qaeda may have to die in our detention. One false step and we have an instant terror cell. These people are programmed, like Heaven's Gate.

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

In more global warming news....

Posted 3:06 PM by Gene

How long do you suppose the news hacks can go without asking our latest presidential candidate tough questions? Judging from their coverage of the A.N.S.W.E.R. pro-Iraqi rallies (in which he participated), I'd say a very long time.

(NOTE: I originally called the rallies "pro-terrorism", but after reading of Professor InstaPundit's travails with a local TV station I modified myself. Better to call this to my non-existent readers' attention than to be accused of fudging things.)

Posted 2:36 PM by Gene

Why business talks politically from both sides of its mouth: Business has managed to become a nurturing home for knee-jerk liberals and knee-jerk conservatives, both parties fraudulent in their own ways. On the left, we have the human resources departments, filled with "soft science" graduates, launching grounds for every bit of PC social experimentation imaginable, especially with their ultimate obsession, gay rights. Then there are the advertising departments, the morons who'll finance anything and everything horrible on television; they have direct lines to the loony-leftists of Hollywood. Then there are the public-affairs offices filled with ex-news hacks and recovering alcoholics which, when faced with a crisis, give one word of advice: CAVE. They're usually responsible for public "outreaches" and charitable funding, further stomping grounds for PC. On the right, we have the sales and marketing departments, homes to the incredible shrinking potato-chip bag and tuna-fish can, and the accounting departments, home of the incredible growing revenues; together they probably boast more indictments and convictions than any other part of business save finance. These are staffed with go-getting business-major Babbitts, most of whom I'd wager are hard-core Republicans.

A look at two companies may prove of interest. Enron, red-country based, was an almost 100% marketing company and combined with its high-pressure business niche was doomed to corruption. Then there's the little known story of Eastman Kodak, in blue country, where a mid-level executive was fired for sending an e-mail complaining about his company's gay-rights celebrations. Kodak, it goes without saying, is a leading supplier to show business. End of discussion.

I'm bringing this up because The Wall Street Journals (themselves an irritating mirror of business's political dichotomy) ran a story today (not publicly available, natch) about those annoying supermarket club cards whose purpose is to limit sale items, gain profits from those people who don't have the cards and thus overpay, and gather privacy-invading information on shoppers. It's just the sort of thing Babbitt Republicans would think of. I wouldn't want to guess how the PC Democrats would handle it.

Posted 2:01 PM by Gene

Speaking of Philadelphia, the local news hacks are still utterly crestfallen at the Iggles' loss. Now they're saying it'll ruin us economically. Guys, what if Philadelphia had remained the nation's capitol? What if we'd been selected as the UN's HQ city, as was bruited about at its founding? What about those economic losses? No, hacks, the only losers are a) Jeff Lurie, and really he's no loser at all because he's now worth an extra half-trillion as he and his sad sacks are moving into a new taxpayer-financed Taj Mahal; and b) the players, and for most of them, there's next year.

Posted 1:54 PM by Gene

A significant development in the war on "art": a Chicago graffitiist has been sentenced to three years for defacing a transit stop with etching acid. What's truly astonishing is that news hacks now call it "vandalism." It wasn't too long ago when they called it "free expression." We've got a similar problem here in Center City Philadelphia with our storefronts. Crime is crime even if it does have a fancy name.

Posted 10:11 PM by Gene

NOTE: I've only been on this blog for two days and already I'm going daft. Surfing and writing and rewriting require constant attention. Where does Professor InstaPundit find all the extra hours? I will say I didn't think I had so much hack writing in me. It is fun, though, if you can keep from taking it too seriously. I intend to persevere at least until I know somebody's reading me or I'm carted off to the funny farm, whichever comes first. Fortunately I have a running start on the latter.

Posted 9:50 PM by Gene

The publicist Liz Smith reports there's a problem on the set of The Alamo: It seems the casting coordinator needs 6,000 men for his Mexican army, but thus far has collected only 500 because "[a] lot of guys who come out to work for us are simply huge....We tell them to lay off the Whoppers and french fries, but it's a problem" -- all this despite going "to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, the Texas Work Force Commission and Spanish TV and radio," says The Liz. "They took ads in Spanish newspapers and hawked Spanish festivals searching for a few good thin men. Extras of this type don't make any real money until filming begins, and then, they get $100 a day but must be on call for 15 hours, day and night."

I've got a suggestion: Why not just use computer-generated imaging and create 6,000 skinny Hispanics? It's cheaper and you're going to do it anyway. And you don't have to worry about Whoppers -- off the screen, that is.

Posted 9:29 PM by Gene

Sumner "The Brow" Redstone never heard of the play You Can't Take It With You. Mel "Twilight Zon" Karmazin never heard of the Bible or the Golden Rule.

They're the perfect pair.

Posted 6:39 PM by Gene

Here's a new one: A self-published writer is selling movie rights to a novel on eBay. It's a thriller called The Consultant and it's highly original. The author's "voice is unique and his style is easily distinguished," says the sales pitch. "Readers will be reminded of such bestselling books like [sic] The Firm, The Pelican Brief, Clear and Present Danger and such motion pictures as The Peacemaker, The Jackal, Spy Game, Mission: Impossible 2 and The Sum of All Frears [sic], as well as such TV hit shows like [sic] 24, The Agency and JAG." Why didn't he just copy it from somewhere? Or did he? Clearly the pitch isn't serious, for aside from its electric air of failure and its installment payment plan (!) it offers (rejection-letter?) quotes from various publishing idiots -- "'Very exciting and compelling. [His] thriller is certainly action-packed!' —G. K. Hendricks, Pocket Books" -- that tell me a) they waste too much time on genre junk, b) they spend too much time pacifying no-talents who write genre junk, c) if they said they liked the book, they're lying or they should resign, and d) this novel's really bad. That they even let such schlock clutter their desks does not reflect well on them.

For the record, it's number 158,022 on Amazon.com. BUY IT NOW!!!!!

P. S. to the author: I'd change that title. It sounds like something from a former McKinsey partner, or a food-service exec.

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

The Hippocratic Oath instructs doctors to "do no harm." I submit that treating active al-Qaeda members violates the oath because they intend harm, thus rending the doctor's moral covenant with the larger society. It is one thing to keep the vermin well in the confines of a prison, or a brig, another altogether to send them on their merry way to further terrorism.

Posted 4:09 PM by Gene

The holy cockroaches aren't dead yet. One wonders how many of them are in the warm sheltering embrace of our "allies."

Posted 3:57 PM by Gene

A hopeful sign from the chain bookstores: Yes, too many people still buy too much from the zillionaire hacks, and yes, the national reading list still veers between borderline mental retardation and outright idiocy; but when Stephen King's sales decline it's a cause for celebration.

Posted 3:50 PM by Gene

Shucks, I guess we need more police after all. (Notice who's suffering, by the way, for the lack thereof.)

Posted 2:46 PM by Gene

I must confess I'm not entirely comfortable with MLK Day. It was created out of appeasement -- Ronald Reagan signed it into law presumably to get black Republican votes (ha ha!), and Je$$e got the stock exchanges to close -- and it's yet another paid vacation to people in government, many of whom take a paid vacation 365 times a year, and we get MLK SALE DAYS!!!!! It's also an annual burr in the side, a reminder that as far as we've come in race relations -- a black secretary of state? Black CEOs? Who'd believe it? -- many would like to see us go back, particularly in the newsrooms, where the OJ trauma morphed from a miscarriage of justice to a referendum on race. As Trent Lott proved, the old idiocies die hard. I suspect the superannuated former Ku Kluxer Bob is celebrating the day somewhere in the coal pits, without irony. The weekend's psychotic tantrum over Bush further proved that people can appropriate a name for any reason; witness how _________ (fill in the blank with the name of any Bush cabinet member) goosestepped side-by-side with Hitler; willful ignorance is the handmaiden of bigotry. In the end, MLK still had his dream, and that's a lot more than can be said for the extinguished fire-breathing dragons' nightmares.

Posted 2:23 PM by Gene

If we can't take care of Iraq, maybe the International Olympic Committee can.

Posted 2:03 PM by Gene

If Slate.com keeps running vapid feel-good pieces like this Bill Gates may have to suspend his dividend.

Posted 1:25 PM by Gene

What is Carol Moseley-Braun thinking?

Posted 1:06 PM by Gene

The brilliant caricaturist Al Hirschfeld has died at 99. It must have been tough these last two decades with no faces to work on, and admit it, he didn't go well with Aerosmith. But the man truly gave birth to the phrase "stroke of genius."

(He wasn't just a pen-and-ink man, I should add. As an artist for MGM he did some tremendous pastels [and collages, if I'm not mistaken], several of which have turned up in Rhino-Turner MGM soundtrack albums. He also contributed the few chuckles in one of the singularly unfunny S. J. Perelman's books, Westward Ha!)

Posted 10:24 PM by Gene

David Shaw of the L. A. Times does a juggling act with news bias. He apparently does not believe news hacks can be superficial and biased at the same time, that too many press releases on the countless marvels of show-biz actually mesh nicely with too many weasel words on the endless perfidy of Republicans. But truth to tell, the problem with the press isn't so much bias as that news hacks have always marched headlong with the forces of reaction.

Think of the two worst things news hacks have ever done to America. The first was Hearst's War (aka the Spanish-American War), where an unprincipled publisher turned what may have been a catastrophic accident in the U. S. S. Maine's gunpowder hold into royal Spanish treachery. "YOU FURNISH THE PICTURES," William Randolph yelled by cable at his illustrator Frederick Remington, "AND I'LL FURNISH THE WAR!!!!!!!!!!!" And boy did he furnish the war. What did the war get William Randolph? Increased sales and a chance to run for office. What did the war get the U. S.? 3,000 dead, most from jungle diseases. The Philippines -- a ward of the American state until 1946, an archipelago basket-case and a kleptocracy for some time thereafter. Cuba -- relinquished to become another kleptocracy for decades, now the Left's favorite dictatorship. Puerto Rico -- the meaning of welfare. Thanks, William Randolph!

Now fast forward seventy-five years, to Cronkite's Peace. "We must get out of Vietnam -- at ANY COST," said Uncle Walter, and like so many bobbleheads the press (initially indifferent to the politics of our involvement, perhaps because it thought Vietnam was near Walla Walla) agreed. What did the peace bring the news hacks? Awards and ample opportunities for self-congratulation. What did it bring the rest of the world? Communist dictatorships in southeast Asia. The Boat People -- hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese uprooted from their homeland, never to return. The Killing Fields -- a million dead in the genocide of Democratic Kampuchea. Utter paralysis in our foreign policy that didn't lift until Reagan, and not in military action until the Gulf War, and which may yet have inhibited us in wiping out the Taliban and al-Qaeda. Thanks, Uncle Walter!

Now how could news hacks have gone from right-wing reaction to left-wing reaction? Simple. In Hearst's day the press was dominated by print robber barons, and your typical news hack was a low, mean, unscrupulous, cowardly work slave. Recognizing that Hearst was one of the most loathed men on the planet and his subordinates came close self-made heroes like Joseph Pulitzer established J-schools to raise the standards of the profession in pay and platitude. In time the robber barons sold their companies to the public and died off, to be replaced by apolitical suits who beckoned solely to their shareholders' whim, and the news hacks got better educated, better paid, more pretentious -- and more liberal. The balance of news power shifted from the right-wing-reactionary publisher's suite to the left-wing-reactionary newsroom. The press went from one kind of reaction to another. It scarcely matters, then, whether the press is right-wing reactionary or left-wing reactionary: it will always be reactionary.

Posted 8:09 PM by Gene

NOTE: Anyone reading every post I've made (not that I think anyone has read any post I've made) would find I edit frequently, usually publishing multiple copies of the same post. I do this because I am a perfectionist, and I want to put out the best writing I possibly can -- even if no one reads it. So please, to whoever may not be logging on here, don't be startled by my changes. I'm only subhuman.

Posted 8:04 PM by Gene

The sudden executive ouster at Bertelsmann's Random House unit has become yet another midtown-Manhattan cause celebre. Could paying zillions in advances on boring memoirs have something to do with it? Or printing literary fiction no one wants to read? Or relying too much on the usual bad old "franchise" writers and realizing too late they're McDonald's? Naaaah.

Posted 7:49 PM by Gene

The Times takes a generally dim view of the AOL empire and King Richard's accession. "Mature businesses," "fully valued".... Maybe Michael Wolff is right and big-media companies are dinosaurs. I wouldn't want to bet my declining big-media stock on extinction.

Posted 6:46 PM by Gene

The Golden Globes are on tonight. Quick! Here's a question: Who won an Academy Award® last year? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Like so many other public events, the Oscars® have become a bloated self-justifying activity without meaning. Surely they've never been about excellence, but now they're about a bunch of pigmy moguls pushing arthouse bores before a dazed membership in the hopes of justifying more crass behavior. The steady decline in the ratings attests to the Oscars'® (and the movie industry's) irrelevance. Heck, even the head of AMPAS has sneered at Hollywood's "product." Hard to believe, but for 1939 there were TEN best-picture nominees. By rights, the movie-ad-blurb copywriters and the Hollywood flacks at USA Okay notwithstanding, there should be TWO. And even their excellence would not be reflected in satisfied audiences -- why should Hollywood satisfy an audience? -- but in the machinations of blurbmeisters trying to jaw as many adjectives above the names above the arthouse titles as they can for higher salaries and the chance to sleep (figuratively) with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Guys, you're not fooling anybody. You certainly haven't fooled Peter Bart, who's as much a pompous jackass as you.

Posted 6:14 PM by Gene

Well, it looks as if we Philadelphians won't have to worry about riots next week. But if I were a seat at the Vet I'd say I'm in trouble. (Remember Vandals, the Phils play there this coming season, as if that matters.)

Posted 4:45 PM by Gene

In an issue in which it reports on a likely al-Qaeda link to the Bali bombing (and craven high Indonesian mucky-mucks doing a little protective action on Osama's behalf), Time magazine once again reports on itself -- pardon, on AOL Time Warner. Guess who the Time Web site's Person of the Week is. Err umm ahh ehh....

Posted 3:57 PM by Gene

Newsweek runs an interview with birthday boy Norman Mailer (80 on the 31st) that makes him sound almost human. Ah, the value of magazines as advertorials! And Newsweek's one of the best at that. The cliche goes that Mailer had a great talent and wasted it on onanism; unfortunately, even cliches can be true. I can't forgive him for being a friend and client of Scott Meredith, one of the all-time scam artists, which may account for why Mailer boosted a murderer.

Posted 1:32 PM by Gene

The idea that the public domain is the route to universal intellectual enrichment may not be all it's cracked up to be. Certainly it's criminal (to take one case) that the comic novelist Peter DeVries is totally out of print; Internet publishers could best serve readers by making the Web a repository of unjustly neglected work, and here the Disney Protection Act (or rather, the Trent Lott Permanent Re-election Act) proves to be a safe door, forever locked and under guard. But with mass electronic media, the advantage still belongs to Jack Valenti; unlike with literature, which could be freely copied without loss of quality, the entertainment biggies would control access to master tapes and films and parts even under public domain; and as most music lovers know, low-cost access means low-quality transfers. The flood of tacky public-domain CDs out of Europe will only intensify the notion that old music is bad because it sounds bad. Chalk two up to the biggies; they won in court, and they'll win in the marketplace by default.

Posted 12:47 PM by Gene

The New York Times is announcing the rise of the anti-CEO book. Could we have had the anti-CEO book without all those news hacks penning corporate hagiographies? (The actual author of the besmirched Legendary Welch's memoirs, John Byrne, is a Business Week hack who wrote a stinkweed cover valentine to GE to procure his assignment.) The Times also reports some of the hagiographies are sold in bulk lots (surprise). Where would the Amen Corner of big business have been without the nongraphic novels of one Superman after another, not to mention the immortal sycophancy of Lollipop Lou Dobbs? Yet another eyeball-rolling phenomenon for which news hacks have only themselves to blame.

Elsewhere the Great Gray Lady tells us of an actor who "has prominent roles in three big movies now playing and has made 30 films in the last 15 years, yet he practically needs to wear a name tag in public." This, in the manner of show-biz flackery, is meant as a compliment. But not too long ago Hollywood was awash with character actors with memorable faces; Walter Brennan is the least example. Even today's leading actors have generic features; George Clooney, a supremely handsome man, looks like he came straight out of the TV (which he did). The wife of the late Ambassador Annenberg allegedly remarked that too much of Hollywood looked alike. Sorry, they did have faces then.