Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED: I know more than you. I make lots more money than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexier than you. I appear on TV all the time. I work ten minutes a day. I rule the universe. I'm going to live forever. You are an idiot. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2: A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3: I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity. --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4: News isn't news when we don't report it. PERMALINKS: THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE! Blogroll Me! |
Saturday, January 25, 2003
Posted
9:35 PM
by Gene
Well, he won't write the book. With his advance he won't have to.
Posted
8:46 PM
by Gene
Thanks again, Mr. Chairman of the Rules Committee.
Posted
8:16 PM
by Gene
P. S. Happily I don't need spell-check, and I don't think I've made mistakes. Andy Rooney once remarked that he thought spell-check was a crutch, but even the best spellers have slipps of the fingers. (See?) Judging from other blogs here I'd say, they need it. (I do intend to comment on them, eventually.) P. P. S. Bloggers! Don't EVER go with your first draft!
Posted
4:38 PM
by Gene
That's how you think when a Maxine turns riot into "rebellion." But in her hermetically-sealed void of a head, there are no black police officers -- and no black crime victims.
Posted
4:09 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:02 PM
by Gene
Chevy Chase Syndrome again.
Posted
3:27 PM
by Gene
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2:23 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:45 PM
by Gene
I like that banner some of the cockroaches' friends are holding. Their American flag has seventeen stripes -- and two fly screens. "...Whose broad stripes and bright fly screens...."
Posted
12:28 PM
by Gene
Ya gotta love the hacks though. Lisa De Moraes says the show's originating from a venue "on a still-dicey stretch of Hollywood Boulevard" -- as opposed to the still dicey-and-slicey stretches of D. C.
Posted
11:49 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:38 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:11 AM
by Gene
How could most people tell the difference? Friday, January 24, 2003
Posted
10:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:46 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:30 PM
by Gene
I mention this because one of our ambassadors said something that made Pakistanis unhappy, which in turn might make the Indians unhappy, and suddenly the pile almost glows with its potential for cataclysm.
Posted
9:23 PM
by Gene
Honestly, I don't care what happens to Anna Quindlen.
Posted
9:09 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:43 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:12 PM
by Gene
Don't you folks have anything else to poll about? FLASH! "AMERICANS BRACED FOR EXCITING GAME!" Doot-do-doo-dooooo-do-dooo-doo-doo-doot!
Posted
5:54 PM
by Gene
Nonetheless, why am I not surprised by this?
Posted
5:45 PM
by Gene
Small minds think alike.
Posted
4:03 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:52 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:38 PM
by Gene
Hey Hillary! Your hubby was pretty good at telling tales too. (But gee, you're pretty good yourself; you told people you were named for Edmund Hillary because he climbed Mt. Everest. Problem was, that happened more than five years after you were born. A myth here and a myth there, and soon we're talking real -- votes.)
Posted
2:07 PM
by Gene
Hey! NewsMax used the same opening line! SOMEBODY'S BEEN READING MY BLOG!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
Posted
1:57 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:08 PM
by Gene
The article "Look Away, Dixieland" [Jan. 27] stated that President George W. Bush "quietly reinstated" a tradition of having the White House deliver a floral wreath to the Confederate Memorial at Arlington National Cemetery — a practice "that his father had halted in 1990." The story is wrong. First, the elder president Bush did not, as TIME reported, end the decades-old practice of the White House delivering a wreath to the Confederate Memorial; he changed the date on which the wreath is delivered from the day that some southern heritage groups commemorate Jefferson Davis's birthday to the federal Memorial Day holiday. Second, according to documents provided by the White House this week, the practice of delivering a wreath to the Confederate Memorial on Memorial Day continued under Bill Clinton as it does under George W. Bush. Now click here for the original story. Whooooooooooooops.
Posted
12:01 PM
by Gene
Posted
11:58 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:26 AM
by Gene
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Posted
8:53 PM
by Gene
The same with Disney. It too should break up into three parts: the theme-park business, reorganized as a REIT; ESPN as a stand-alone outfit; and the TV and "adult" (ha ha) film businesses. The company should also sell its retail stores and shut down Michael's largely unsuccessful social experiments (restaurants, book publishing, "adult" records).
Posted
8:00 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:05 PM
by Gene
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3:17 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:08 PM
by Gene
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1:58 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:47 PM
by Gene
That's a lot of money to drop at the baccarat tables.
Posted
1:14 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:47 PM
by Gene
Jim Cantalupo: Remember Howard Johnson's? P. S. To those who say it's solely the food, I say Burger King (whose burgers are marginally better -- very marginally) has also relied heavily on promos -- and it's in worse shape than McDonald's. Diageo just sold it off at close to a fire-sale price.
Posted
12:33 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:28 PM
by Gene
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Posted
9:12 PM
by Gene
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Posted
8:33 PM
by Gene
What do I think? I think it's ducky! As in DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24 1/2TH CENTURY!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
7:52 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:35 PM
by Gene
I really believe a better idea would be to dust off old blueprints of buildings that could have been masterpieces but were never built, for one reason or another. The various designs for the Tribune Building in Chicago come to mind. Otherwise, the result will be a permanent eyesore, and the world's worst practical joke.
Posted
7:25 PM
by Gene
Now NewsMax will have to search for other conspiracies.
Posted
7:01 PM
by Gene
Now if only Jack would do the same, sighhhhhhh.
Posted
6:34 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:33 PM
by Gene
(I have since learned this story was apparently first broken on the Web by NewsMax, which guarantees it won't be taken seriously.)
Posted
3:20 PM
by Gene
yyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY" (add your own melisma here). So you must understand I'm happy to hear this news. Hey R. ("whose real name is Robert"), you're grounded.
Posted
3:09 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:59 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:43 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:33 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:14 PM
by Gene
Have you ever heard of Paul W. Keyes? Keyes was the producer and head writer of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, one of those immense successes that escapes posterity. He was also a friend of Richard Nixon's. At Keyes's instigation Tricky Dick appeared before the camera to utter one of the show's utterly forgotten catch phrases -- "Sock it to ME?!?" -- his famous jowls humorlessly sagging, his famous rumbling baritone suitably flatulent. Thanks to Keyes (and no small thanks to George Wallace either for splitting the Democratic vote), the Trickster won the '68 election over Hubert Humphrey by several hundred thousand votes; thanks to Keyes (and Wallace), we got one of the worst presidents ever, at one of the worst times ever. The guy probably never stopped hugging himself -- until Nixon produced Liddy and Hunt's Break-In. And this was one of the most renowned and prosperous comedy writers in TV. Have you ever heard of Paul W. Keyes? As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for; you might get it. P. S. That catch phrase was introduced by the immensely cute Judy Carne, an ex of Burt Reynolds's. She quit TV to become a junkie. She survived. Every time she said "Sock it to me!" she was drenched with a bucket of water. She was even drenched in public. By rights Tricky should have been beaned with a ton of bricks. Being a friend of the producer had its advantages. P. P. S. Legend has it that Keyes invited Humphrey and Wallace on the show (in part due to the notorious Fairness Doctrine); being TV fuddy-duddies, they declined. Knowing Nixon I suspect he hadn't the slightest inclination to let Keyes do so but had him invent his little tale so as not to look too suspicious. "Moon the People and Cover Your Arse" was Richard Nixon's motto. P. P. P. S. Note the URL on the Jimmy Kimmel site. Is this a production of Disney News? Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Posted
10:24 PM
by Gene
Every competent circus man knows to the fraction of an ounce how much food his various and exotic charges require in the course of 24 hours. He knows that an elephant of such-and-such tonnage needs so-and-so much hay; that a snake of such-and-such a distance from fang to rattle needs so-and-so many rabbits, rats and other snakes. And in the army, by the same token, the dietetic demands of the soldier are worked out to three places of decimals. A private carrying 80 pounds of luggage, with the temperature at 65°, can march 18 1/3 miles in 16 2/3 hours upon three ham sandwiches, half a pint of stuffed olives and a plug of plantation twist. A general weighing 285 pounds can ride a cayuse up four hills, each 345 feet in height, on 6 ginger snaps and 12 scotch highballs. Experiments are made to determine these things, and the results are carefully noted in official handbooks, and so attain the force of military regulations. And so on. And so on and so on. And so on and so on and so on. Let's not put too fine a nose job upon this: This is blather. This is filler. This is BS. (By the way, the last three sentences aren't from the article; they're from a review of a book by Irvin S. Cobb. But they fit in quite nicely.)
Posted
8:40 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:12 PM
by Gene
The editor of a sizable newspaper told me recently that he decided the racial makeup of four new hires - two minorities, a white woman, and a white male - before reviewing a single applicant. In other words, if Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein applied, only one of them would get a slot. As Andrew Sullivan says, Isn't that illegal? And if a leading editor is enforcing illegal racist hiring policies, shouldn't a journalist tell us who he or she is? Or are liberal editors above the law?
Posted
6:15 PM
by Gene
Do you remember the old GE slogan -- "Progress is Our Most Important Product"? I'll bet GE could have gone back to that and done better. Do you remember that GE sponsored the College Bowl? That probably engendered more warm feelings than the whole Goodthings campaign. Little Jeffrey would never think of it. He wants to RUN THE COMPANY. (Heck, they'd do better bringing back Mr. Magoo as the spokesman for GE lightbulbs.)
Posted
5:05 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:06 PM
by Gene
(NOTE: I originally called the rallies "pro-terrorism", but after reading of Professor InstaPundit's travails with a local TV station I modified myself. Better to call this to my non-existent readers' attention than to be accused of fudging things.)
Posted
2:36 PM
by Gene
A look at two companies may prove of interest. Enron, red-country based, was an almost 100% marketing company and combined with its high-pressure business niche was doomed to corruption. Then there's the little known story of Eastman Kodak, in blue country, where a mid-level executive was fired for sending an e-mail complaining about his company's gay-rights celebrations. Kodak, it goes without saying, is a leading supplier to show business. End of discussion. I'm bringing this up because The Wall Street Journals (themselves an irritating mirror of business's political dichotomy) ran a story today (not publicly available, natch) about those annoying supermarket club cards whose purpose is to limit sale items, gain profits from those people who don't have the cards and thus overpay, and gather privacy-invading information on shoppers. It's just the sort of thing Babbitt Republicans would think of. I wouldn't want to guess how the PC Democrats would handle it.
Posted
2:01 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:54 PM
by Gene
Monday, January 20, 2003
Posted
10:11 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:50 PM
by Gene
I've got a suggestion: Why not just use computer-generated imaging and create 6,000 skinny Hispanics? It's cheaper and you're going to do it anyway. And you don't have to worry about Whoppers -- off the screen, that is.
Posted
9:29 PM
by Gene
They're the perfect pair.
Posted
6:39 PM
by Gene
For the record, it's number 158,022 on Amazon.com. BUY IT NOW!!!!! P. S. to the author: I'd change that title. It sounds like something from a former McKinsey partner, or a food-service exec.
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:09 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:57 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:50 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:46 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:23 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:03 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:06 PM
by Gene
(He wasn't just a pen-and-ink man, I should add. As an artist for MGM he did some tremendous pastels [and collages, if I'm not mistaken], several of which have turned up in Rhino-Turner MGM soundtrack albums. He also contributed the few chuckles in one of the singularly unfunny S. J. Perelman's books, Westward Ha!) Sunday, January 19, 2003
Posted
10:24 PM
by Gene
Think of the two worst things news hacks have ever done to America. The first was Hearst's War (aka the Spanish-American War), where an unprincipled publisher turned what may have been a catastrophic accident in the U. S. S. Maine's gunpowder hold into royal Spanish treachery. "YOU FURNISH THE PICTURES," William Randolph yelled by cable at his illustrator Frederick Remington, "AND I'LL FURNISH THE WAR!!!!!!!!!!!" And boy did he furnish the war. What did the war get William Randolph? Increased sales and a chance to run for office. What did the war get the U. S.? 3,000 dead, most from jungle diseases. The Philippines -- a ward of the American state until 1946, an archipelago basket-case and a kleptocracy for some time thereafter. Cuba -- relinquished to become another kleptocracy for decades, now the Left's favorite dictatorship. Puerto Rico -- the meaning of welfare. Thanks, William Randolph! Now fast forward seventy-five years, to Cronkite's Peace. "We must get out of Vietnam -- at ANY COST," said Uncle Walter, and like so many bobbleheads the press (initially indifferent to the politics of our involvement, perhaps because it thought Vietnam was near Walla Walla) agreed. What did the peace bring the news hacks? Awards and ample opportunities for self-congratulation. What did it bring the rest of the world? Communist dictatorships in southeast Asia. The Boat People -- hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese uprooted from their homeland, never to return. The Killing Fields -- a million dead in the genocide of Democratic Kampuchea. Utter paralysis in our foreign policy that didn't lift until Reagan, and not in military action until the Gulf War, and which may yet have inhibited us in wiping out the Taliban and al-Qaeda. Thanks, Uncle Walter! Now how could news hacks have gone from right-wing reaction to left-wing reaction? Simple. In Hearst's day the press was dominated by print robber barons, and your typical news hack was a low, mean, unscrupulous, cowardly work slave. Recognizing that Hearst was one of the most loathed men on the planet and his subordinates came close self-made heroes like Joseph Pulitzer established J-schools to raise the standards of the profession in pay and platitude. In time the robber barons sold their companies to the public and died off, to be replaced by apolitical suits who beckoned solely to their shareholders' whim, and the news hacks got better educated, better paid, more pretentious -- and more liberal. The balance of news power shifted from the right-wing-reactionary publisher's suite to the left-wing-reactionary newsroom. The press went from one kind of reaction to another. It scarcely matters, then, whether the press is right-wing reactionary or left-wing reactionary: it will always be reactionary.
Posted
8:09 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:04 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:49 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:46 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:14 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:45 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:57 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:32 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:47 PM
by Gene
Elsewhere the Great Gray Lady tells us of an actor who "has prominent roles in three big movies now playing and has made 30 films in the last 15 years, yet he practically needs to wear a name tag in public." This, in the manner of show-biz flackery, is meant as a compliment. But not too long ago Hollywood was awash with character actors with memorable faces; Walter Brennan is the least example. Even today's leading actors have generic features; George Clooney, a supremely handsome man, looks like he came straight out of the TV (which he did). The wife of the late Ambassador Annenberg allegedly remarked that too much of Hollywood looked alike. Sorry, they did have faces then.
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