Posted 8:44 AM by Gene

We would like to create a list of Stories News Hacks Should Not Run. These are stories that most news hacks are expected to run, that they know cause heartburn and exasperation among their readers, that they run anyway because it gives them that feeling of power over mere people. We must believe, however, that a few intelligent and conscientious people in the news biz (there are such people -- aren't there?) know what this constant empty-calorie diet is doing to their readership, and their reputations, and their finances, and that they could find enough serious news to easily fill in the hole left by this reportorial turkey stuffing. Some of these topics we've discussed way too often before, but at least now we know where to put them. To wit:

1. Any story on fluke private tragedies, except insofar as exposure might help those victimized by said tragedies.

2. Any story on the ENORMOUS INFLUENCE of ED MURROW, or ERIC SEVAREID, or PILLHEAD.

3. Any story that acts as a proxy for an ad campaign.

4. Any think piece on FACEBOOK or TWITTER. Such pieces tend to be long-winded buncombe.

5. Any show-biz piece involving "SNARK." Such pieces are either hidden compliments or sales pitches.

6. Anything that tries to turn an act of meaningless business incompetence into rocket science (i.e., the fight over RED SKELTON or the GAP logo fiasco).

7. Puff pieces for CEOs.

8. Any article that attempts to find a higher meaning in SLIME.

9. Any article that justifies our favorite movees by discerning their public service, or by creating bogus trends, or by stoking controversies that would otherwise not exist.

10. Any story on HUFF 'n' PUFF or NICK DORKEN as such stories will never be honest or accurate about their finances, or else will parrot their party lines.

11. MIRACLE stories about the latest "miracles" in education or science, which tend to be debunked a year or two later.

12. Any story that relies on statistics that news hacks can easily misinterpret (mostly involving the economy).

13. Any stories on the Os-CARS® or the SUPER BOWL® before the fact, except for those extremely rare instances of legitimate news.

14. Any article that unwittingly gives the Wall Street Casino's captains superhuman powers (i.e., any story involving LLOYD BLANKFEIN).

15. Anniversary stories, as such stories are like clockwork and tend to be polite or obfuscatory (see TOMORROW).

We will continue updating as annoyances warrant.