Eugene David
...The One-Minute Pundit

Saturday, May 31, 2003


As GENERAL JR. unleashes MEGASUPERMONOPOLY MEDIA on America, a couple of overly ambitious jaysonists lick the muddy boots of its greatest hero, THE ZON. (Mmmmmmmmmmmm MMM! Does that taste GOOD!) Of course he'd rather be at Viacon than ExxonMobil or Wal-Mart; where else can you push people around 300 million at a time?


This story about Democrats bloviating is filled with such good quotes I can't keep my fingers off it:

"Sen. Kerry, we don't want Dean Lite, either."

But it is less filling.

"The one thing this country doesn't need is a second Republican Party."

No, but we could use a second Green Party.

"What we need in this party is not just people who talk about backbone, but people who have it."

The last I heard jellyfish didn't make it that far up the evolutionary chain.

"When I was in the Gulf of Tonkin in 1968, I learned what it was to work with an aircraft carrier for real."

Unfortunately, the noise from all those fighters forced me to wear a hair helmet to protect my ears, but it worked so well I've worn it to this day.

"[M]y goal to restore the 2.7 million jobs lost during the Bush administration within my first 500 days in the White House."

And all of them will be in the Federal government! (That was a Do line. He didn't deliver it. I think I know why.)


Surprise, surprise. Dr. Kildare's gay.

When I first saw MESS.com's head I thought, WILT? But then I remembered. He was too busy to be gay. Besides, it would be pretty hard to speak of him in the present tense. (I'm what blogs these days.)

This is sort of up there with Rock, er, Doris Day being the world's oldest virgin.


In the first round of the Memorial (memorial to what?), somebody named Alejandro Larrazabal (try pronouncing that with marbles in your mouth) shot 16 OVER PAR -- including two birdies!

Perhaps some of the men ought to play the women's tour.


The Times, home of that @#$%&* MUSEUM plunder, is admitting there may be "hundreds" of mass graves in Iraq.


Keeping in mind this is ELEANOR, and she writes for BLUNDER rag, and she's JOHN's token woman, and she is a KNEE-JERK, whenever Republicans think they're doing themselves a favor their J. P. Moneybags worship shines and stinks through again.

Does anybody take the Beltway's tax bills seriously anymore? If so, I think we've got an issue here.


It is a tribute to the thoroughness of the holy cockroaches that 1,300 families are still waiting for remains 21 months after the WTC, er, event.

I suspect where the cockroaches are they have plenty of time to hone their incineration skills.


Maybe if enough local governments had the backbone to do this (but remember, this is LALA's city council, which spent days debating our calumny in Iraq), maybe the GENERAL JR.s and Sumners and Ruperts and King Richards wouldn't fantasize of ONE BIG MEDIA COMPANY.


Hard-Line Realist Seeking To Dream

John Kerry -- a "realist"? With THAT do?

I will concede this, though: all that hair spray probably does cause him to hallucinate.


I've got an idea, confederacy of dunces (aka America's college presidents): since GENERAL JR. is so hot to have ONE BIG MEDIA COMPANY, why not just follow his example and form ONE BIG ATHLETIC CONFERENCE? It would save a lot of trouble.


God knows how many ghosts, variations, revisions, consultants, tantrums, marketers and focus groups THE MAN's "literary" "debut" will have been through. Remainder bins, here we come!


There seems no end to the perfidy the holy exalted yayas have financed. Now Iran must pay up (fat chance) for the '83 bombing of our marine barracks in Lebanon.

They're NOT on our side -- yet.


Women in a Hurry at French Open

Is this headline supposed to have a double meaning?


And speaking of great leaders of the Roman Catholic Church, why would the Pope want to give Mr. Bernard Law the time of day?


Two days and counting to...


A modern-day Pius XII in Cuba emits this sewer gas: ''The church's mission is not to be on the side of the opposition. In the same way, you cannot ask the church to support the government.'' So that means we'll support...nobody.


I hope we've finally righted the wrong of the Olympic Park bombing, but if law-enforcement types have any favorite scenic route, it's the cul-de-sac.

Friday, May 30, 2003


FREE ENTERPRISE AT ITS FINEST: Here's something to make Dick "Barney Fag" Armey and the Buttman, er, Cato Institute drool: CIGNA, a big fat rich insurance company -- and boy isn't that a great business to fleece, er, make money in! -- is setting a poor city, Philadelphia, against a poorer city, Camden, in a huge shakedown battle to house the company's HQ. Only two things are certain: the taxpayers of two states lose, and one of the two cities loses. I HATE BIG BUSINESS!


When will hack pols and their friends learn when they break the passive-voice wind of "Mistakes were made," they're denying THEY made them?


Why is it knee-jerk-lock-step-hard-core conservatives are all for media megamonopolies -- as the late, great Texas Mafioso Dick "Shut the Hell Up" Armey would say, "The bigger the monopoly, the better" -- except when they're LIBERAL?

"More money and a wider reach will create more stars, more self-indulgence, and more errors. Get used to the new Times; it is fated to become bigger, richer, and worse." Why is it not true for anyone else? Why is GENERAL JR. better than Pinch? WHY IS IT, NR?


GM's admitting it made clunkers. But if every ASWIA member tried the hair-shirt mea culpa approach people wouldn't believe them any more than they believe them now. Big business exhausted its capital of goodwill long ago, and by turning to a form of communication despised by the masses, it can only make a bad situation worse.


"It's just so American," says one shop assistant, "the fake tan, the chemical face lift."

"You can tell he uses Viagra as well," says a second, to a chorus of giggles.

"That's America for you."


"It's just so French," says one shop assistant, "the Saddam worship, Jerry Lewis in the windows."

"You can tell he hates Jews," says a second, to a chorus of giggles.

"That's France for you."


News hacks must rave the latest greatest things of show biz because, as Shaw wrote in his Maxims for Revolutionists, "No age or condition is without its heroes....[T]he least commonplace poet [is] its Shakespear." Hence rappers become Byrons and hack movie directors get plunked next to Ibsen, with dire consequences for our culture. Well, THE GREATEST MUSICAL OF ALL TIME (so BEN BRANTLEY said), The Producers, has opened in LALALand, and despite having Mr. Kerngershwin Hammerstein write a plug for the piece in the LALA Times HIMSELF, if it doesn't get walloped by its theater writer, who rather thoroughly dessicates one of the ravists' lines that the show is "[the] most fearlessly irreverent thing ever seen on stage" (while it does sound like the idiot John Heilpern, who cover-plugged the show for Disney's late Talk magazine -- Harvey Whiner was a co-producer -- in fact, it was a jaysonist for USA Okay). "[T]o borrow an old joke," he concludes, "The Producers' future may already be behind it." Yes, you may borrow an old joke; the show's full of 'em. Imagine, two years old and already a period piece.

Thursday, May 29, 2003


The obitu -- excuse me, birthday greetings for Bob Hope have a somber tinge. Perhaps it's because he ceased as an active entertainer years ago -- unlike George Burns, who kept going until just months before he died -- and he is reported to be deaf and blind. Perhaps it's because so many of those he worked with -- Der Bingle, Dorothy Lamour, Jerry Colonna, just to mention his sidekicks -- are long gone. So is the entertainment industry he worked in, replaced by "media" and its streamlined synergized junk machine. There is also the kind of uninformed condescension from news hacks that marked the centenary of another show-biz survivor, Irving Berlin, a gung-ho Birchite Republican who wrote sappy patriotic tunes (he also wrote Top Hat and Annie Get Your Gun and some very unRepublican bawdy lyrics besides). And what news story is complete without the instant cliche -- that Hope was a "radical," a Lenny Bruce for the heartland. It is true Hope specialized in topical jokes, which led Andrew Ferguson to write an article for The Weekly Standard (on a Library of Congress tribute) blasting him for his corporate comedy -- his prepared jokes were always safe, formulaic, and unfunny. This we must expect from the man who played for Ike and "Whoops! Pardon" Ford and Gen. Patton and for the whole of bigwig society, who performed for the troops for so long (for too long) one of his touring company, the long-ago-beauteous airhead Raquel Welch, sneered that what the soldiers needed were prostitutes, and who invented the joke-writing assembly line, whose practitioners included Groucho Marx' singularly unfunny son Arthur, who wrote a score-evening "tell-all" of the man. And yet, no denying it, from my too little exposure to him in his prime, he was probably one of the funniest comedians who ever lived -- a man with a zinging delivery, perfect timing, and what is more, a way with ad libs, which his detractors never noticed and which he himself used too seldom. He was handsome, and suave, with more than a little of the roue in him -- he was allegedly a notorious womanizer. He could sing -- certainly not like Bing, but very pleasing, and he was as meant to sing Burke and Van Heusen as their mutual crony Bing. He starred in many popular movies, was an enduring hit on radio and television, and lived a thoroughly charmed life. Let us not say happy birthday to Bob Hope -- that would be like saying happy birthday to Ronald Reagan -- but let us remember him at his best, and mourn that the several generations of show-business giants he represents will not pass our way again.


The jaysonists want Slick to run again.

Don't worry, you'll get your way -- when Sen. Rodham wins.


I am not surprised that Gertrude Stein Gertrude Stein Gertrude Stein was in cahoots cahoots chaoots with a collaborator collaborator collaborator during the war war war.

How did that poem of hers go? "A Nazi is a Nazi is a...." Never mind.


His guys knew better than our guys. Fortunately, his guys missed. Barely.


Unregulated media might be better, except that the unregulated media will form regulations of their own: the rules of cabals, the rules of the monopoly, the rules of the jungle, and above all, the iron-fisted rule against quality.


I've come up with another excuse for running stories that upset people for no good reason: they "shame" the miscreants who did the rotten deed. But I'd guess in most cases there's nothing to shame (the usual defense of said miscreants is, Duh, I dunno), and thousands of newspaper buyers get up to their cups of coffee, read a story that upsets them for no reason, throw the newspaper in the trash, and still have a bad day. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THESE STORIES? You won't get rid of the jaysonism just by getting rid of the Jayson.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003


QUAGMIRE didn't work, and the @#$%&* MUSEUM didn't work, so now we're scraping the bottom of the barrel and believing the Beeb. As I said before, I wouldn't put it past Rummy's guys to exaggerate about Pvt. Lynch, but THE BEEB'S SIDE STILL LOST.


OOOOOOOOooooooooh, the Braggart has started a civil war at the Times!

Like the furor over Jayson, this battle of the halfwits will sail over the public's heads because, a la Seinfeld, it's about nothing. (Actually, Seinfeld wasn't about nothing. It was about Seinfeld.)


Jaysonists may learn to spell their profanities correctly, and who knows, they may even get the facts straight, but so long as they keep running stories whose only purpose is to upset people they aren't getting any better.


Tower Records is for sale.

Next stop: bankruptcy. You can't keep selling $18 CDs and hope to make a profit.


Another piece of doggie doo that occurs when a jaysonist's hands are allowed to work unassisted:

The [ad campaign starring a porno "actress"] caught the attention of Bill O'Reilly of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor, who accused Pony of hiring "quasi-prostitutes to market its products." The remarks led to a public back-and-forth with [the "actress"], who said Mr. O'Reilly should know the difference between a porn star and a hooker.

Aside from the cameras, what is the difference?


The inspiration of plagiarists everywhere wants to run for PRESIDENT?

I know one thing: if he takes the oath of office it will be to the tune of six different inaugural addresses.


As GENERAL JR., the future Gucci Gulch seven-digit lobbyist, prepares to give the store away, another survey shows people love the Masters of the Universe he wants so desperately to help.


Here's the problem: conservatives say global warming is hooey; groups that say global warming is hooey are backed by corporate villains like ExxonMobil; the New York Times discredits people who believe global warming is hooey because they're backed by corporate villains like ExxonMobil, etc., etc., ETC.

Where's the truth?


Howell may correct the correction!

Meantime it emerges Braggart's writing a novel. He has the experience.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003


For years the docs told women to take their hormones. Why? Cause they "kept their minds sharp." Now the docs say the hormones can lead to Alzheimer's.

Talk about the need for second opinions.


We've found a place for you, Saddam -- Buenos Aires! They'd love you down there! Can you learn to speak Spanish in a hurry?

Hmm, come to think of it, wasn't Argentina Adolf Eichmann's favorite country?


WELL! Judging from today's Romenesko, the news biz is in a TIZ. A food writer gets fired for plagiarism in two columns that never ran, the Washington Post is kicking itself over anonymous sources, yadayadayada, but of course, it's the wrong kind of tiz. So long they reduce the industry's woes to mere factual errors or copying or sourcing or byline stealing -- the strictly mechanical stuff -- news hacks don't have to face the real problems that threaten to destroy them: bias, salesmanship, and of course, their ever-lovin' ATTITUDE.


People would just as soon watch curling as hockey! Even the ASWIA's favorite demo won't tune in.

It's such fun to see professional sports fall flat on its overpriced face.


Okay Wall Street Journals Conservative Edition, we don't get our news just from the big three anymore. We get it from 300 different sources -- owned by five companies.


More hard-core-conservative FREE ENTERPRISE at work: the chairman of Tenet Healthcare earned $111 million in 2002! He did such a terrific job he resigned just today!

KaCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING!!!!!


I KNOW LACI'S KILLER

Friend of yours?


I think Andy S. ought to comment on sports regularly. Then he'd have to put himself in Poseur Alert.


Greens may back Democrats in 2004

This is like saying, "'Fruit juice drinkers, pacifists, hygienists, Quakers, feminists, nudists, sex maniacs, Nature Cure quacks, vegetarians, and contraception advocates' may back Democrats in 2004."

Monday, May 26, 2003


The NBA has the best of two worlds: prima-donna players and prima-donna coaches. Sometimes the worlds shake hands and create that symbiosis called champions, as with the Lakers. Sometimes they merely collide. I don't know that much about professional basketball, especially in these days of its descent into mortal dullness, but I do know Larry Brown, who I suspect like most top-rung coaches is a giant in his own mind, had trouble with His Royal Pain in the Highness Allan Iverson, and in the NBA, when the irresistible force meets the immovable object, the lesser-paid force or object gets it.

I want to see him coach Sneaker Man. He does, too.


If serious music is going down the tubes, here's why: tone-deaf composers on foundation grants writing PC "operas" about the thing of the moment -- disasters even the music-critic nose-in-the-airs can't swallow.

Peter G. Davis, a very good critic, also came out against our generation's musical UBERMEISTER, Herr Sondheim, which prompted Herr Sondheim to snap back in a letter just how good he is. You can't win with these New York Times readers.


As predicted, THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME had a sixty-percent dropoff, and "overseas" audiences apparently hate it. Dick "ADVERTISEMENT" Corliss is crying all the way to his investment banker.


Some radio deejays will do almost anything to stand out from the crowd. But not everyone is laughing as hoaxes and stunts backfire.

Which reminds us, GENERAL JR., what are you going to do about Opie and Anthony? MY guess: he wants to give the Zon the usual ten-grand fine, partly as a political favor (forgetting who's publishing Sen. Rodham's "MEMOIRS", GENERAL JR.?), partly as a rehearsal for a career as a seven-digit suck-up, but if he does that he alienates Dubya's -- CORE, especially the -- CATHOLICS. Between this and giving the store away to Big Media GENERAL JR.'s mental calculator is near meltdown these days.

P. S. Opie and Anthony are "looking for work in television these days." I would say "good luck" with a sneer, but knowing the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers, they may get it.


Given that The Gliberal was supposed to be writing about "the arts," he's been screaming an awful lot about the EEEEEEVIL Dubya, the EEEEEEVIL Republicans, the EEEEEEVIL conservatives, etc., etc., ETC.

No one will ever accuse The Gliberal of plagiarism -- unless you count copying yourself, and that's merely onanism.


800 Don Groucho Glasses to Set Record

I thought they already set it at the Times's headquarters.


Speaking of professional sports, the shakedowns never stop. Now it's MOLD at Coca-Cola Minute Maid Fruit Juices Park in Houston. Guess who eventually gets stuck with the tab. D'you suppose the Astros put it there on purpose?


Yeah, right. Fine spammers $500 per spam. Let's see you enforce this one.

I'll bet the twelve who voted against were -- REPUBLICANS. Let's spam 'em.


An excellent idea: the college industry is already in professional sports, and now JoePa's nominal boss Dr. Spanier (I'm thinking Muggsy or dog) wants to get into the recording business. What's next, Arfarf? Movies? Bars? Strip joints?

Sunday, May 25, 2003


One last word on history's greatest golfer: today Kenny Perry won that @#$%&* tournament at -19. In her two rounds history's greatest golfer shot +5. Were there no cut and she played at the same level her last two rounds, she would have lost by 29 strokes. I suspect the next time we hear from garden-variety jaysonists about golf it will be over AUGUSTA NATIONAL's injustice, and when last we complained, we were beaten by something more than 29 strokes.




The perfect wedding photo.


Iran: Serious about fighting al-Qaida; Foreign minister denies support for bin Laden’s network

TEHRAN, May 25 — Iran’s Foreign Minister Kamal Kharrazi called Osama bin Laden’s al-Qaida network a “dangerous organization” on Sunday and said his country was serious about combating it.


PFFH-hh-hh-hh-HH-HH-HH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!


The next time the likes of Devin the Press Agent turns a whole issue of BLUNDER into an ad, or Dick "ADVERTISEMENT" Corliss wants to engage in some SYNERGY at AOL Time Warner rag, maybe we should use this newfound phrase for the movies, courtesy the New York Daily News's blurbwriter: summer reruns.


GASP! One of the tens of thousands of jackbooted goosestepping sieg-heiling jaysonists says -- "many of the 2004 Democratic presidential contenders are advancing much larger spending programs than Al Gore was willing to risk as the party's 2000 nominee"?!?!?

FIRE THE MAN!!!!!


Crowds pelt Algeria's president

I can think of a few public countenances I'd like to pelt with old vegetables. Perhaps that the Algerians can do it -- against a strongman -- is a sign they want democracy too. On the other hand, it is a stronghold of holy cockroaches.


Sorenstam leads -- in accolades

The party that Devin "The Press Agent" Gordon started New Year's at BLUNDER magazine continues today on the golf course. This is why so many fool pols look over their shoulders. This is why the Supremes want to do "the right thing." They all want to live "for the ages" -- in a medium that most throw out the next day, or that's used as bird-cage liner, or a training ground for puppies. They all want in on that "first rough draft of history," even if in their cowardice they're revised out of it. They want to be flattered by -- LARRY and CURLEY.

You've got to be taught to hate and fear....

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