Posted 5:09 PM by Gene

Roger Smith, the man who made GM into a bloated carcass and helped create a career for one, has died. RIP.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

Grass roots 'big ace' in Ron Paul's White House bid

Is this an unintended pun?

Posted 4:54 PM by Gene

Evel Knievel, the inventor of junk sports and the godfather of "reality" television, has died. If this makes him sound like some sort of moron, it really shouldn't, for Knievel was a stuntman nonpareil, willing to accept broken bones and metal plates in all parts of body to do, and to fail at, his astonishing feats. He wasn't so much to blame that so many media opportunists turned such "sport" into mere spectacle, or television.

Posted 9:47 AM by Gene

"This is a real P.T. Barnum moment for Broadway," said Scott Sanders, producer of "The Color Purple."

That's right, Scott; we gotta increase our quota of suckers!

Posted 9:37 AM by Gene

SaaaaaAAAAAaaaaay, if the Wall Street Casino does this well with downbeat news, just think if we had a DEPRESSION!

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

Speaking of Horace Greeley, here's a "blog" post we must include here in full:

Right after wrapping up the CNN/YouTube Republican debate last night, Anderson Cooper proudly told viewers that CNN's post-game analysis was "not going to focus on the horse race. Instead, tonight, we're looking at the issues."

It was this relentless focus on the issues that produced comments like these from CNN's panelists:

John King, CNN correspondent: "Another big question, Anderson, we have been waiting and watching over the months of this campaign for the first attack ad, watching TV in Iowa, watching TV in New Hampshire. Well, the first attack ad came tonight."

David Gergen, former White House adviser: "Well, on style, I think that the most presidential tonight were John McCain, who has found his voice again...But the candidate I think that the spotlight was shining on tonight and who really emerged as the most authentic and human was Mike Huckabee. Huckabee continually responded to questions with a -- with a compassionate, sort of human quality that I think will appeal to a lot of people in their homes."

Jamal Simmons, Democratic strategist: "I thought Mike Huckabee was good. I mean, he's one of these candidates that really has jumped off the page and impressed everyone up and down the field. And you see that reflected in the numbers right now...And, at the same time, you take a look at Romney, you know, his -- his hair never fell, but his voice faltered. He -- you know, on issues like abortion, gays in the military, he just seemed like, if you -- if you had style points, he just was not a commanding presence, I thought, tonight at all."

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!

One other observation. CNN favorite Bill Bennett observed that Mitt Romney had performed as if he were "all in -- as you would say in Texas Hold'em." That's a reference you'd think Mr. Bennett might want to stay away from.

Double PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!! (Although we'd have stayed away from that particular link.)

Posted 9:18 AM by Gene

THE IDEOLOGICAL PRETZEL OF ISLAM: 1. It is not okay for a teacher, however benignly or mistakenly, to call a teddy bear Mohammad. 2. It is okay for Muslims to scream, stone, burn, loot, and demand the death of a teacher for calling a teddy bear Mohammad.

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

PLUS:

"Without Writers Guild members, we would have bad jokes, crap movies, and an endless output of reality television," Tim Robbins, for example, expounded in a strangely clipped accent, begging the question: As opposed to what?

MINUS:

Some of the greatest television shows and movies in the history of either medium have no doubt been produced in recent years. [FOLLOWING SENTENCE]

TRANSLATION: I wanna join the Writers Guild too -- even if they are a bunch of COMMIES.

Posted 9:03 AM by Gene

Ex-president Khatami says don't let hard-liners in US and Iran dictate the relationship. [Sub-hed]

Judging from that "US and Iran" biz Mr. Ex-President has an ambidextrous mouth.

Posted 9:02 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: The TWXSTERS devised a nice, neat, bright, shiny, brand new, high-tech, up-to-the-minute version of something Horace Greeley would have devised in 1840.

Posted 8:03 PM by Gene

Wouldn't it make more sense for some big businesses to admit to guilt for crimes before the fact? After all being in the oil biz is almost an open invitation to criminal behavior on many fronts.

Posted 8:01 PM by Gene

"You want to be sympathetic to the (family's) grief, but I think some of the grief and sorrow is maybe because of the activity and the lifestyle older people were living that caused this tragedy to happen."

TRANSLATION: I'd be mad as hell that a slain girl's parents flaunted their gang symbols on MySpace except that might be unseemly what with all these bullets flying.

Posted 6:09 PM by Gene

One other thing -- The Sleazeball for Mickey forgets Mississip' used to be a DEMOCRATIC state.

Posted 5:56 PM by Gene

Elsewhere in show-biz nooz, Woodster the Perv has a falling out with Chicken Nation, which is rather like Chicken Nation having a falling out with Al Qaeda.

(Via ShowBizData)

Posted 5:53 PM by Gene

Dammit LALA, if you're going to run plugs, SLUG THEM ADVERTISEMENT!

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to RACHEL!

Posted 5:50 PM by Gene

Dell's sales went up -- but its shares went way down.

B. S. DEFENDER must be hugging himself!

[T]he company posted a slight decline in desktop sales as more customers shifted their purchases to Dell's notebook products.

They didn't listen to you, B. S.! (But maybe the Wall Street Casino did.)

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

Sen. Hole-in-the-Bagel auditions for vice-president -- again!

If that doesn't work out, Hole, remember, you can always SUPERLOBBY for ETHANOL -- just like that arrogant no-goodnick Sen. Mickey Mouse Protection Act.

Posted 1:24 PM by Gene

Thanks to addicts like ROMY the Boston Phoenix has become the single most insistent outlet of pretentious blah this side of The New Yorker. Today the addict insisted on linking to a story in which another auditioner for the Kingdom of Tilley posits (or rather deposits) that the fake-news blackout will change the presidential race. "The Daily Show is now a dominant media brand for twentysomethings", says our auditioner, and while Eustace might at one time have squinched at that use of "brand" it has since proudly entered the arsenal of hacks who want to shoot us in the head. (We will not argue the point on the basis of the BRANDS' tiny audience, as people who hope to write for The New Yorker don't have to know such things.) Such stories seem based on the predicate that he who is first with the CW must be good, never minding Andrew Carnegie's old maxim that "pioneering don't pay", or that the W in CW is never wise.

Elsewhere in his site the indefatigable Romy links to some sort of story in yet ANOTHER "progressive" site where some practical hack devalues a degree in JERNALISM:

I mean this whole notion of journalism school—I can’t believe people actually go to journalism school. You can learn the entire thing in like three days. My advice is instead of going to journalism school, go to school for something concrete like medicine or some kind of science or something and then use the knowledge you get in that field as a wedge to get yourself into journalism.

This being ROMY (AND a Jann-factotum, and a "progressive" site) our hero conveniently neglects that people in medicine or some kind of science may not want JERNALISM wages, or may not have the time to practice it as a hobby, and that the biz more than any other defines the idea that "you get what you pay for" -- especially as more refuse to pay for it.

He also overestimates how much time you need to learn it.

Posted 11:34 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Within two months those inanely jabbering rhymes-with-ducks the Drunken Slob and TIMMY!!!!! will be head-on-shoulder palsy-walsies again -- unless the lack of SYNERGY prohibits it.

Jerry Della Femina, whose agency started calling WABC last summer when Imus' return was just a rumor, told Page Six: "I, for one, am glad Imus is back. While he was gone, I had to resort to talking to my own wife in the morning."

Jerry, YOU'RE A DUCK TOO.

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 9:52 AM by Gene

We are sorry to hear the former Rep. Henry Hyde has died. He was a bold and righteous stalwart in the fight against abortion. It must be conceded, however, that he may have stayed in Congress too long, especially given his end-of-career embarrassment over his love life; but as the sleazy tale of Sen. Mickey Mouse Protection Act tells us, that is an all too common flaw, and it is at least somewhat ameliorated when our elected leaders have a passion for something other than wealth.

Posted 9:32 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: This is a preview of a PPV Super Bowl.

Posted 9:10 AM by Gene

Another "progressive" college faces extinction.

Maye if we get the government...oh, never mind.

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

Plus it appears the ogre of Sears Holdings may not be the second coming of St. Warren.

Posted 9:07 AM by Gene

Hey crude-oil traders! You've just given an idea to holy cockroaches!

Posted 9:02 AM by Gene

In further proof (as though proof be needed) that America's pundit class has too much time on its hands:

NYT's Rosenthal says "Enough!" to columnists' Reagan feud

Posted 8:57 AM by Gene

Well, Honorary President Mike, you can always run for Honorary Mayor again.

Posted 8:54 AM by Gene

Shucks, Branson East, the Theme Park Capitol of America, is back in biz.

Let's hope the suckers don't forget for a while.

The New York City comptroller's office has estimated total losses to the economy at $2 million per day, which adds up to $38 million for the 19-day duration of the work stoppage.

Which is the eeniest fraction of what the Wall Street Casino can lose the economy in one minute, confirming Branson East's importance.

Posted 8:15 PM by Gene

At "6:00 AM ET" on "11.29.07" [SIC!!!!!] this seventy- or eighty-something admirer of Drunken Slob will almost certainly state he'll be the bees knees in selling books again, which gets us pondering, if he can write us a column in advance, why can't he give us a taste of Drunken Slob's tirades in advance? That way people won't have to listen to them.

Posted 6:24 PM by Gene

Speaking of TownHall.com:

Another global warming skeptic has dared speak up. Meteorologist John Coleman, founder of the Weather Channel, calls global warming "THE GREATEST SCAM IN HISTORY"!!!!! [Scam-busting overemphasis added]

We've said it before, we'll say it again -- if John Stossel were LIBERAL -- he'd be exactly as he is, only different.

Posted 6:18 PM by Gene

We would say, "Gen. McClellan is BACK?!?!?!?!?", but this is some colyumnist for TownHall.com, so we won't take it too seriously.

Posted 6:03 PM by Gene

One wonders if customer service is becoming just like the weather. On the one hand who can doubt that Corporate America is essentially a reinforced concrete block with a heart of stone? On the other hand who can doubt that many people complain too much? For both reasons customer service will become ever more like the weather.

Posted 6:00 PM by Gene

Okay -- when does Best-Selling Pervez' successor hide under the table?

Posted 5:58 PM by Gene

And as it announces it shall NO LONGER RUN PRINT ADS, R. J. Reynolds is pushing a line of boutique cigarettes, which pretty fairly means it isn't serious at all.

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

This is a genuinely irritating article. For starters it says that today's movies stink, but in a way that tries to tap-dance around the idea by merely insisting one particular film is very very VERY good. Second, it says an animated feature could win the best-picture Os-CAR®. That did not seem so self-evident when the A-CA-de-MY® invented the Best Picture Os-CAR® for Animated Features. This category, Mike tells us, has created a "ghetto" that prevents such films from being taken seriously. We cringe because the A-CA-de-MY® had one chance to give a Best Picture Os-CAR® to a movie that defined animation, and muffed it. If Snow White didn't win the prize why should its successors? (Of course it was a little more difficult for Snow White to earn an Os-CAR® given that movies may not have stunk quite as badly in 1937.) Third, it points out that Hollywood's Scarlet Letter is a G. That's supremely annoying by itself because it sums up all the biz' superiority over its customers and how it would rather engage in collective immolation than make a picture that appeals to everyone. Finally, this is yet another how-many-angels debate over an award that goes to the picture with the best vote-getting campaign and the best blurbs from news hacks, which does not mean the WINNER will be ANY GOOD.

Posted 1:15 PM by Gene

NEW YORK The R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co., which has been under intense pressure from anti-smoking groups and members of Congress over print ads for its cigarettes, said Tuesday it would not advertise its brands in newspapers or consumer magazines next year.
ADVERTISEMENT [SIC?!?!?]

Posted 12:10 PM by Gene

Okay, now that the Wall Street Casino is getting its rate cut, what then?

Posted 10:14 AM by Gene

BULLETIN!

U.S. EXISTING-HOME SALES FALL IN OCTOBER; INVENTORY HITS 22-YEAR HIGH

DOW 16,000!

Posted 9:07 AM by Gene

1. Hugo can stuff the ballot box. 2. If he loses he can declare martial law and himself president for life. Either way he wins.

Posted 9:00 AM by Gene

Speaking of cultural renewal:

[T]he 2007 harvest is in. And what a harvest it has been. At least 727 new novels, up from 683 for last autumn's literary rentrée. Hundreds of new music albums and dozens of new films....

Sounds like USATODAY!!!!! plugging for the good ol' U. S. of A.! (Although it might not use that fancy word.) Just one thing -- this is France; and:

All of these mighty oaks being felled in France's cultural forest make barely a sound in the wider world. Once admired for the dominating excellence of its writers, artists and musicians, France today is a wilting power in the global cultural marketplace.

If the shoe were on the other foot....Happily it's on ours.

Posted 8:39 AM by Gene

Terry Teachout points to an old tribute he wrote of the jazz bandleader Maria Schneider:

She can write old-fashioned flagwaver-with-a-shout-chorus charts whenever she pleases, but prefers to turn out harmonically complex originals with subtly blended instrumental colors that suggest Evans without ever borrowing from him.

I hear a loud buzzer sounding because "Evans" -- that's the arranger Gil Evans -- not only worked with Miles Davis, who could be profoundly dismissive of his fans, he wrote for Claude Thornhill, whose band made some truly astonishing music but was a commercial failure -- and alas, it was a commercial failure because it pioneered in bop, among other things. While it is nice to hear somebody's plugging away at reviving the jazz carcass it ultimately won't work because this sounds for all the world like another tale of an artist pleasing himself when he ought to be pleasing an audience, but that luxury passed out of art a long time ago, and those three names alone, illustrious though they are, tell a small part of the tale.

Posted 8:15 AM by Gene

I don't think we have to worry about Republicans "embracing" YouTube; politicians have proven they can be foolish regardless of party.

Posted 8:08 AM by Gene

AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says the Annapolis peace summit was a "failure" and Israel is doomed to "collapse."

Am I glad I found out!

Posted 7:52 PM by Gene

Has anyone noticed all the professional college football coaches getting fired? Heck for all the money they're getting in buyouts it doesn't pay to be good.

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

The same holy poobahs who would need thousands of gallons of disinfectant to shake hands with Jews will now "review" that infamous rape trial, meaning little more than overtime at WHORVIS.

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

Norman Mailer wins bad sex award

We fear, given his marital record, this is an all-too-apt honor.

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

What will the liquor snobs say when they learn this is a BUD?

Posted 1:00 PM by Gene

Our Favorite Stock of the Day:

Staples Inc., up $2.04 at $21.80.

Adjusted third-quarter profit beat estimates on stronger sales of high-margin items like ink cartridges, the office products retailer said.

Posted 11:49 AM by Gene

So: The Israelis and the Palestinians have agreed to another talkfest, which will result in another agreement, which will mean -- who knows?

"Before the end of 2008." Clever timing, Dub!

Posted 10:25 AM by Gene

Gingrich Predicts Obama in Iowa

We shall see if he shares a Ouija board with SUPERNIKKI.

Posted 9:45 AM by Gene

We hope this isn't merely a way for Dubya to run out of Iraq so as to least dissatisfy the Dems who would be satisfied with nothing less than Dubya's head.

Posted 9:43 AM by Gene

Let us pray that being a star NFL player may exempt one from the iron law of NO SNITCHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For our part, we doubt it.

Posted 9:38 AM by Gene

At the time this article was written, talks were still taking place, but there were reports the Broadway strike could end before daybreak!!!!!

Errrr, RIGHT, SUPERNIKKI.

Posted 4:24 PM by Gene

What goes around....Back in the eighties the Japanese made all sorts of bad investments in real estate and entertainment. Today a financier from the burgeoning ugly-building sheikhdom of Dubai is buying a piece of Sony. When does somebody buy out the sheikhs?

Posted 4:10 PM by Gene

Hot business news!

Dick's Sporting Goods to buy Chick's Sporting for $40 mln - MarketWatch

We wouldn't touch that with a...heck we can't even say THAT.

Posted 4:04 PM by Gene

That eyes are lighting up and mouths are grinning on the John Birch Left does not make us like VEEP BIG-OIL any better; but it does make us dislike the John Birch Left even more because eyes are lighting up and mouths are grinning.

Posted 4:02 PM by Gene

Rep. Bob "Alford" Filner gets off with a $100 fine, a wet noodle that might have slashed an ordinary person a little harder.

Posted 12:45 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Hey, Abe Lincoln was a lawyer too!

Well, that's one way of putting it.

Posted 11:25 AM by Gene

AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush says he is optimistic about prospects for Mideast peace.

When will the ASSPress stop running news alerts and just run news?

Posted 10:41 AM by Gene

The Saudis' foreign minister won't shake hands with Mr. Olmert.



No doubt he'd scream for one of these.

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

At the time this article was written, talks were still taking place, but there were reports the Broadway strike could end before daybreak!!!!!

[A] VERY reliable source tells me that there appears to be a deal seemingly in place between both sides....my source thought it was possible that the strike could be settled before CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!! [Inside overemphasis added]

Is NIKKI!!!!!!!!!! becoming the SAM LITTLE of HOLLYWOOD?

No, because she's LOTS BETTER!!!!!

Posted 9:30 AM by Gene

OooooOOOOOoooooh, Hillary was a RADICAL LAW CLERK!!!!!

It's going to be a long, dirty, nasty, OBVIOUS campaign.

Posted 9:25 AM by Gene

"This is not Dave Petraeus' war. THIS IS GEORGE BUSH'S WAR!!!!!" [Overemphasis added]

Hey Dems! I think we've got a new motto in our crusade to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!

And it comes from generals!

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

Neat-o! ConEd outsources some of its manhole covers to Inja!

Isn't this the firm that lets people fall into manholes or step on live grates or something?

Posted 9:12 AM by Gene

Pink-sheet firms are "back" at the Big C?

Did they ever leave?

REMEMBER FNN!

Posted 9:07 AM by Gene

POOR Oprah Winfrey. Not only does she have to deal with the shameful lesbian abuse scandal at her South African girls school, but now a sleazebag is threatening to publish a supposed exposé about her company, Harpo, intended to further embarrass the billionaire Queen of Daytime Talk.

POOR Oprah indeed! Now she'll have to barricade herself with her billions. DREADFUL!

Posted 9:03 AM by Gene

Meanwhile Best-Selling Pervez is giving up his scrambled eggs or whatever they wear in Pakistan for a third term, which means nothing, for now.

Posted 9:01 AM by Gene

Excellent! Sen. Mickey Mouse Protection Act is resigning, presumably to become what he always wanted to be -- a SUPERLOBBYIST, to pound the table for the "GAMING" biz, or the RAILROAD biz, or...ESPNCorp.

Congratulations, Mick! Now onward to the Forbes 400!

Posted 8:06 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: TV fans no more care what they watch on HBO than on any other channel. In fact, we'd bet a lot of them don't even know they subscribe to HBO; it might be their default position.

Posted 6:55 PM by Gene

Elsewhere in the Big Double-A Scribble: Strike, strike, keep striking, millionaires! Strike so long the people who pay your big bucks will have give advertisers their money back!

I have this horrid feeling both sides of snobs will agree by year's end -- heck by month's end. But we can keep hoping.

Other industry-adjacent endeavors whose fates have become entwined with Hollywood's have, ironically enough, actually experienced an uptick in sales, as people with more money than time find themselves finally free to spend a bit more of both: At the Four Seasons hotel on Maui at Wailea, bookings are actually up, according to Mark Simon, director-marketing, who says that overworked and strike-frazzled Hollywooders are at last going on holiday.

So, too, at the exclusive French West Indies retreats such as Eden Rock (booked solid from Dec. 21 through Jan. 9th) and at the Guanahani Hotel; both enclaves on St. Barthelemy are nearly full for the holidays.

WwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwWELL! We're glad the Millionaires and their cohorts aren't suffering.

Posted 6:49 PM by Gene

"Only one in 100 people may know that Unilever owns both brands," he said. "But that one person is likely to be participating in social media."

TRANSLATION: When a proud member of The American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers sells two different products in contradictory ways that make the manufacturer look hypocritical, it can't get away with it anymore.

Posted 4:46 PM by Gene

So much for DVD extras:

Gary Tooze, editor of dvdbeaver.com, a popular DVD-review website, pays special attention to the quality of transfers, comparing screen captures and conducting "bit-rate analyses" to measure data compression. A great DVD, he said, is one that "adheres to all the original theatrical attributes, including aspect ratio, colors, detail."

Although he's a fan of "professional prepared commentaries," he once polled his site visitors on their favorite commentary of the year. "The highest response," he said, "was that they don't listen to them." [Last two grafs]

Posted 4:25 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: This Branson East roustabout works five hours a day, in a business he loves, at union wages. Nice work if you can get it.

I am only slightly more sympathetic to these roustabouts than I am to the Millionaires -- make that microscopically so.

They'll probably settle tomorrow morning, and then it'll be stinky theme parks as usual, and huge grosses from the tourist saps as usual.

Posted 2:18 PM by Gene

We admit we were wrong about the BEEEE-OHHHH, but do Non Germain and his dear friend PAUL DRECK really have to celebrate with an impromptu jitterbug on their desks?

This is why CURLEY!!!!! (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) gets us so agitated with his agitations: for their every brave defense of a FRRREEEEEEE PRRRRRRRRRESS news hacks engage in SEVERAL THOUSAND DEFENSES of a DOLLAR BILL.

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

Oh great: Some horse-race-chasing superhack laments one of our locally-produced superhacks, the AWARD-WINNING Richard Ben Cramer, wrote a book that helped create the permanent presidential campaign.

Hell would be too good for you clowns.

[W]hat might appear simple to a voter can, I know, seem hard for a journalist.

And you overpaid hacks seem quite simple to us indeed -- but that's because you work so hard making everything seem hard, especially your own mind-churning simplemindedness.

Posted 10:51 AM by Gene

'Failure is not an option' at conference

Okay, Colinette -- what's YOUR Plan B?

Posted 10:45 AM by Gene

Meantime SELIGISM engages in more marketing, meaning the CEOs will REALLY waste money on the sport as it becomes more removed from its fans than ever.

Posted 10:31 AM by Gene

And of course not everyone at the WaPost engages in deep thinking; indeed we wonder if some of the staff engages in any thinking at all -- but hey, if they did they couldn't write about the Millionaires' Strike.

Posted 10:23 AM by Gene

Which isn't to say the publishing biz has forgotten the dictum, "Stupid Is as Stupid Pays." Forbeslist MUST run an extremely irritating book blurb (for a two-year-old book that's no. 577,927 on Amazon.com -- why not just let sleeping dogs lie?) over which ultramegalomaniac CEOs belong on the list of GREATEST TERMINATORS AND SELF-REMUNERATORS OF ALL TIME, said purpose being who can suck up to the most people after the fact; and a great many people are DEEPLY UPSET that LEGENDARY WELCH isn't on the list, presumably because he fired too many people to the sounds of press cheerleading, but heck it wasn't our jobs.

WHO WILL BE THE NEXT LEGENDARY? And there WILL be one, just as sure as news hacks spin and sell.

Posted 10:14 AM by Gene

We would buy more books if we had the money for them. (We waste it instead on CDs and DVDs.) Jonathan Yardley's review of what is no doubt a fine one-volume history of "Jacksonian" America (with the great title of What Hath God Wrought -- no question mark!) underlines Henry Adams's dictum about our nation's perfection of historical amnesia. I am vaguely familiar with the period and suspect one could say it constituted America's true renaissance. One could also say the country was run by foot-stomping ambitious hotheads like Andy Jackson who helped it careen toward civil war. Odd to think the now ultra-PC Democrats were the party of -- slaveholders?

We must put this on our personal bookmarks: The Oxford History of the United States.

Posted 10:12 AM by Gene

The head man and boss of franchise operations at the British Vicarage and Tea-Time Club says America is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL, but Islam's okay when taken in moderation, which may help explain why nobody in England goes to tea-time anymore.

The wide-ranging interview with a British Muslim lifestyle magazine....

And which "lifestyle" would that be?

He described violence as "a quick discharge of frustration", adding: " It serves you. It does not serve the situation. Whenever people turn to violence what they do is temporarily release themselves from some sort of problem but they help no one else...."

Okay Archy, you're mad at America, and you had a quick tantrum that made you feel better because otherwise you'd fume that no one wants your tea anymore. How do you differ from us? Oh, but you do. You're head of one of the world's great franchisers.

Posted 2:31 PM by Gene

I suppose one could look upon sprawl as a natural condition of mankind. Our nation was founded on sprawl; our forebears wanted to get away from the smelly, grimy cities like London for land and an opportunity; in time, the pioneers wanted to get away from the smelly, grimy cities like New York and Philadelphia for the same reason, and so on and so on, in smaller and smaller increments, until now America's one big interstate and shopping mall and subdivision with nothing in between. Strange, though: the people of Asia seem to like their smelly, grimy cities, perhaps as they already realize in time all those suburbs will become smelly, grimy places of their own, as a few already have.

Posted 11:32 AM by Gene

"I have done an excellent job in every area."

I guess that would depend upon your definition of "excellent."

Certainly the buyout is.

Posted 10:33 AM by Gene

Great: Our recorded-SOUND biz was so busy producing new GENIUS and trying to fill our jails with file sharers that people can't get away from its product fast enough, meaning less retail space for it, meaning fewer sales, meaning....

File sharing, anyone?

P. S. The news isn't all bad; there are lots of wonderful expensive "limited-edition" box sets the industry can use to goose sales -- so we're told by ad-blurbists bulging with free copies.

Posted 10:29 AM by Gene

You learn something new every day:

The affair even raised questions about the mayor's name. "Villaraigosa" is a merger of his name, Antonio Villar, and his wife's maiden name, Corina Raigosa. Although the mayor's wife filed divorce papers in June, Villaraigosa said he would not change his name back. [Twentieth graf]

A mayor with an unhyphenated hyphenated name had an unhyphenated affair. Appropriate.

Who wants to bet this bozo stages a media-aided "comeback"?

Posted 10:21 AM by Gene

Geez, the Millionaires' Strike is starting to play tricks on THE CONSPIRACY.

More tricks!

Posted 10:18 AM by Gene

And speaking of China's other government, it now has lots of lobbyists, and is therefore officially hateworthy.

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

And speaking of SLIME -- HORRORS:

I can tell you nothing concrete about a journalist called Hugo Rifkind, and I merely suspect that he is the son of one Malcolm Rifkind, a member of Parliament and once foreign secretary, a Conservative – not that you’d know it from anything he says. Hugo Rifkind has a column in The Times, and an unlovely mixture of gossip and sneering it is too. For Thanksgiving, this creepy fellow published a photograph of President Bush bending with good humor over a turkey in the ceremony of “pardoning” it. The caption has the lines, “Obviously, we don’t need to tell you which is which. Or do we?” New depths of shame are plumbed all the time these days, but I must say I didn’t imagine that the Times [SIC], not long ago a serious paper, could sink so low. Rupert Murdoch is the owner of the Times [SIC], and if he approves of such a cheap shot his new acquisition, the Wall Street Journal [SIC], will soon become unrecognizable as well.

This IS a disgrace. How can such a true CONSERVATIVE do this? Why would he allow such filth in his papers?!?

Perhaps because He ISN'T a conservative?

Posted 10:08 AM by Gene

"Everything is going up, so why should we stop?"

Wall Street Casino! You have competition from Belly Kisser!

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

The government of Wal-Mart gives thanks for our imports by refusing to let our aircraft carrier dock in Hong Kong.

This might be the first cold war where the combatants are mercantile "friends".

Posted 9:55 AM by Gene

"[W]ith the help of focus groups, public-relations advisers and expressions like "mate" and 'fair dinkum,'" SLIME has a new prime minister. Will we have to curse Him for this too?

P. S. Now SLIME says the former Aussie PM pulled a Republican. Taxes is taxes, spending is spending, Republicans is Democrats. This is true everywhere.

Posted 7:59 PM by Gene

In a sign of the skepticism, even among close U.S. allies, the Saudi foreign minister cautioned that there would be no public handshakes with Israeli officials at the gathering Tuesday in Annapolis, Md.

Hey Condi! I think we've accomplished something!

Posted 7:54 PM by Gene

Let's see: the father's still pulling some strings, and we think the son's still in his father's ministry biz -- so what does this change?

(Via ASSPress)

Posted 7:13 PM by Gene

Aw, SHUCKS:

A Paris prosecutor has thrown out a complaint against former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld for torture in Iraq and at the U.S. military detention camp at Guantanamo Bay, a lawyer for one of the four groups that filed the case said Friday.

How will justice EVER be served?

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!

Posted 6:24 PM by Gene

The vessel — on an expedition to trace the doomed route of the explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton....

What would you call this -- a fun disaster cruise?

Posted 1:26 PM by Gene

A rrrrrrrrrock crrrrrrrrri-TIC for the Bos-TON Phoe-NIX ERUCTS:

But there are times when you just can't stop the bones from showing through. All Elvis-heads, for example, remember with sorrow the night of June 21, 1977, when the King, opening a show in Rapid City, S.D., got lost in the spoken word section of "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" A ghastly piece of footage: Elvis is six weeks from death, heavy-faced and desolate in his white sunburst jumpsuit. A choir croons behind him, repeating the song's melodic motif, bearing him aloft on soft pulses of seraphic cheese even as his eyes close and his sweat runs like tears: "You forgot the words, they'd been changed, you fool. ... Honey? Who'm I talkin' to?" Elvis is in deep, deep trouble, dying on his feet. Fumbled jokes, an abortive sense of interior monologue—the colossal solitude of the man seems to thicken the air around him. "And now the stage is bare, and I'm standing there, without any hair. ... Huh, huh. ... Ah, the heck with it." As if from a mile away, the audience titters.

Heck we just watched the (pirated) video, Mistuh Crrri-TIC, and to our layman eyes The King didn't look "six weeks from death", and we doubt the audience sensed imminent death either, and they seemed to laugh along, however reflexively. Yes he's plump, and he sweats like a mule in a heat wave, and he makes painful contortions with his face, and he screws up his lines, and yes we can see why it's a general embarrassment -- but what strikes us is he still mostly had his voice at the end. If only he'd taken better care of himself -- but I guess then he wouldn't have been ELVIS.

And rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrock crrrrrrrrrri-TICS of the Bos-TON Phoe-NIX couldn't have ERUCTED.

One neat think about being a rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrock crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrri-TIC for the Bos-TON Phoe-NIX: you get to use four-letter words next to ADS FROM AMTRAK! (Heck if they don't care about their trains, do you'd think they'll care about that?)

Posted 1:01 PM by Gene

Understatement of the Week:

Thompson motivation hard to pinpoint

Posted 1:00 PM by Gene

Shhh, don't say anything, but -- we think THE SLUMP is going to continue -- with or without Doris Day!

Happily PAUL DRECK can blame it on the economy. That's right, the economy! The economy forced THE CONSPIRACY to make all these JUNK PICTURES!

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

We celebrate NATIONAL AIRPLANE CRAMMING, TURKEY GORGING, FOOTBALL GAZING AND BANGING DOWN THE STORES' DOORS AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT DAY because 144 years ago some president issued a proclamation. That we haven't the foggiest idea why a president would issue such a proclamation makes it easier to gorge on the turkey and camp out at Wal-Mart. Indeed if we had the least idea why a certain president issued this proclamation we might not see this day as just another justification for mindless spending and family arguments. We can so easily forget our great traditions' antecedents because they mean virtually nothing to us. Christmas ceased to have a connection with anything religious decades ago, and the similar justification to this day -- some folks in funny clothes with funny guns colliding with a rock someplace -- would seem laughable except it had something to do with us becoming the Superman of nations. Inevitably we would forget past struggles; The "Good" War was so increasingly long ago it may have happened on another planet. But we're so blind to the past now that when it comes history's time to repeat itself we'll just do as Dubya does, flail, make a platitude, and hope the people mindlessly spending can save us. We could do worse than humble ourselves to God, as Lincoln did, and hope He is still prepared to save our nation, as unworthy as we've more often become of it.

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

Amy Adams: New Julie Andrews? [Home-page squib]

That the press agents who make up the newspaper entertainment staffs have to resort to familiar names to sell the latest fantastic superstars says if they're half as brilliant as the press agents say they should not have to sell them this way. The deadly LIKE means in ten years people will have trouble knowing who they were. And I don't care how much LIKE Julie Andrews this brilliant new actress may be; so long as we have the real one on CDs and DVDs it will not do to have a mere copy. Indeed that Col.'s armies are so desperate to move their toilet paper in digital form that this morning they likened her to Doris Day in the EXACT SAME HOME-PAGE SPOT AS THIS LINK. It does no one any good to thusly inflate reputations, not least those of us who have no reason to buy show-biz' deathless visions as it is. I've said it a zillion times: the hacks' obsession with selling only underlines their obsession with spinning, and doubly confirms on the best of days they can be no better than dishonest.

(This post replaces an earlier one in which I assumed the New DorisDayJulieAndrews couldn't sing; her new megamasterpiece is some kind of "musical" -- as if something with "songs" by MR. WICKED can be musical.)

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Unwitting proof the -- progressive movement's platform is infested with termites:

But even if I wanted to write as an apologist for the unruly, radical, left-wing "base" of the Democratic Party, I would be a poor messenger for that apology. I have too much equity in my home, and appreciate too much both the medical discoveries and technological wonders that only entrepreneurship can produce. I wouldn't be a credible spokesman for any Lenin other than John. As a progressive son of the South, I also know what red clay looks like. And as far as I know, I was the only person to speak this year at the annual conventions of both the Democratic Leadership Council and the Yearly Kos--rendering me, I suppose, the only progressive ever to triangulate in his pajamas.

Posted 12:50 PM by Gene

Saudi Arabia and Libya, both considered allies by the United States in its fight against terrorism, were the source of about 60 percent of the foreign fighters who came to Iraq in the past year to serve as suicide bombers or to facilitate other attacks, according to senior American military officials.

WITH ALLIES LIKE THESE....

Posted 6:49 PM by Gene

Belly Kisser has "lashed out" at the West -- and we're sure an attempted rubout of an opponent is totally unrelated.

Posted 6:34 PM by Gene

Speaking of disclosure, if you're a state employee your salary should be public knowledge -- even if you're the "LEGENDARY" St. JoePa.

Posted 6:28 PM by Gene

I'm glad the ASSPress was able to forthrightly disclose "What Gets `Hannah Montana' in Trouble" -- unfortunately it's not far from two stories in its continuing obfuscation of what got Bilal Hussein in trouble.

Posted 3:58 PM by Gene

And the solution to our stink-up-the-gym newspaper comics is "EDGY", meaning the WALL STREET JOURNALS under SLIME will be just as clueless as they are now.

(Via the edgy Romy)

Posted 3:54 PM by Gene

The Loco Pollos' appeasement may not have worked:

The Madrid attack had been quite deliberately timed to precede Spanish presidential elections by a few days. Spanish voters duly voted out Bush-supporting Prime Minister José María Aznar and replaced him with Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, who promptly moved to pull Spanish troops from Iraq. This gesture, widely viewed as unconscionable appeasement in the United States, was equally widely applauded in Spain as prudently securing the country's safety. It was followed several weeks later, however, by the discovery of wires strung across the Seville-Madrid rail line in preparation for another bombing--casting doubt on the confident predictions of safety through appeasement and suggesting that terrorist aspirations were more ambitious than merely securing Spain's withdrawal from Iraq.

Did you hear about this one? I didn't.

Posted 3:51 PM by Gene

A very tearful obit from the ASSPress, which we post in full (if CURLEY [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] won't mind):

Celebrity publicist Paul Wasserman, the music industry giant known as “Wasso” whose clients included the Rolling Stones, the Who, Linda Ronstadt, Bob Dylan and Neil Diamond, died Nov. 18 of respiratory failure in Los Angeles. He was 73.

During his four-decade career, Wasserman represented Lee Marvin, Dennis Hopper, Jack Lemmon, Jack Nicholson and George C. Scott. He also publicized such films as “Cat Ballou,” ''Easy Rider,” ''Annie Hall” and “Star Wars.”

But he made his biggest mark as a music publicist. The Mamas and the Papas, James Taylor, Paul Simon and Tom Petty were represented by him.

“He was one of the first ones to sort of accept and represent the new school of rock ‘n roll, so he was able to use the so-called old-school tools that he had in representing this new breed of people,” music producer Lou Adler told the Los Angeles Times.

But an investment scheme ended his career in 2000. Wasserman was jailed for using the names of famous clients like Nicholson and U2 to swindle some of his closest non-celebrity friends.

In November 2000, Wasserman pleaded guilty to a felony grand theft count and he was sentenced to six months in jail, placed on five years’ probation and ordered to pay nearly $87,000 in restitution.

A graveside service will be held Nov. 28 at Mount Sinai Memorial Park.

Posted 3:38 PM by Gene

NASA today said it has built a tiny, low-cost satellite it says will be ideal for adventure seekers or companies with high-tech space applications who need to get into space quickly and relatively inexpensively.

The Fast, Affordable, Science and Technology SATellite (FASTSAT) is 39.5 inches in diameter - not much larger than an exercise ball. It is hexagonally shaped and clocks in at a little less than 200 Lbs. It can carry a payload up to 110 Lbs....

NASA said FASTSAT is just the right size for earth observing missions, space science missions, and technology demonstrations. "We think we can do whole missions for less than $10 million instead of the traditional $100s of millions, and that includes the launch vehicle, the satellite, and the widget you want to test," said Marshall Space Flight Center's Edward "Sandy" Montgomery in a release.

So why must we continue to waste trillions on the Orbiting Jalopy and the Orbiting Scrap Metal Yard, whose main purpose is widget testing?

(Via Slashdot)

Posted 3:31 PM by Gene

This is apparently a new fad among our pea-brained governors: to privatize lotteries. Great idea: we combine the public sector's spendthriftiness with the private sector's corruption. (Or is that the other way around?) Shucks Mitch, we'd have gone ahead with it.

Posted 3:01 PM by Gene

I just got Volumes 3 and 4 of the Looney Tunes Golden Collection (I'd have gotten Volume 5 if Amazon.com had had that on sale) and aside from Whoopi Goldberg's notorious disclaimer (notorious for the disclaimer and the disclaimerer) came this one on both boxes:

THE LOONEY TUNES GOLDEN COLLECTION...IS INTENDED FOR THE ADULT COLLECTOR AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN.

Could I have asked Leon Schlesinger or Frank Tashlin if their cartoons were suitable for children they'd likely have given me a blank stare. (No pun intended.) Clearly they weren't made for children; they were made for an audience that counted children, but they were also made for adults. In short, they were made for a mass audience. They were no more made "for children" than the brilliant rotogravure comics of the twenties and thirties. The audience for cartoons started bifurcating when the dread Famous Studios aimed its output squarely at kids. Who in his right mind would let any child see a maudlin and upsetting excretion like "There's Good Boos Tonight"? This is unsuitable for any audience of any age. Yet presumably this is "suitable for children" because someone said so. Thus began the destructive notion that a show-biz property cannot be made suitable for the whole, in time perfected by JACK's Hell-invented idea that there is virtue in age segregation. Of course the disclaimer also owes to how the equally infernal Associated Artists Productions (and its successor United Artists) just THREW Warners' and Paramount's cartoons onto the tube indiscriminately as filler for Kansas City Stars, so overexposing them as to help breed the belief that cartoon violence causes real violence. And only now through superb technology do we get to know just how good the best of these are -- but because of their excess baggage we have to feel almost ashamed to like them, and worse, to let our children join in the laugh.

Posted 9:37 AM by Gene

No, I do not want to imagine an eight-foot-long scorpion -- or "monster millipedes...colossal cockroaches, and jumbo dragonflies" either.

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

"WE CAN'T WIN MILITARILY!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!"

You shut up too, Congrespoop Respected Ex-Marine Pork-Piling ABSCAMMER.

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

JFK Lincoln says he'll spend $18 billion fixing ehdyukayshun, after we've spent umpteen $18 billions fixing ehdyukayshun.

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

And on the pavement-pounding front:

On Hollywood Blvd., Bowman stressed that the WGA's new-media proposals would have cost the companies less over the three years than the $82 million severance package for one unnamed mogul.

Or ten new movie scripts!

We have no favorites in this particular conflagration. It's hard to when both sides can go to hell in equal measure.

Posted 9:10 AM by Gene

Another marketing maven offers excuses (ten of them) why her profession stinks, and why it will continue to believe in all the old wives' tales, especially when it comes to financing junk HIP television.

And forgive us our ignorance but we did not realize the ERIC SEVAREID of COMEDY's "PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN" was sponsored by PEPSICO -- a fact a lot of news hacks failed to mention. Here's another reason we hope these "writing" clowns pound the pavement all the way to China.

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

A big day today at MediaBistro: First, we learn Drunken Slob has hired a PR guy. Why? Aren't Jeff "MENSA" Greenfield and Howie Hairshirt and Sen. Morals and Ken Felatta and SCREAMER Carville and all those other assorted always-on sycophantic frauds enough to restore his rep? Isn't having a 21-SECOND DELAY PR enough? Second, somebody who shares a last name with the frizzy-haired Stooge does his best Jonny Hairshirt impersonation and furrows his frizzes because David Brooks of "the New York TImes" [SIC] doesn't "get" po-PU-lar culture. Here are two more pundits debating the merits of Coke vs. Pepsi -- and I can't tell the difference because it sounds as though they'd both say rotten "music" is pretty good. (Though we must confess this is a singularly stupid column even by Paper of Re-CORD standards.) Third, MOVEON.ORG!!!!!!!!!! is staging a protest rally against Facebook -- on Facebook. These guys are almost as good at getting publicity as the "Rev." Sharpton.

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

Propelled by little more than his message and political skills, Republican presidential contender former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has vaulted into a statistical dead heat for first place in crucial, first-in-the-nation caucus state Iowa, according to a new ABC News/Washington Post poll.

TRANSLATION: WHY AREN'T THERE ANY DECENT CANDIDATES THIS TIME?!?!?

Posted 8:31 AM by Gene

Little Jeffy brings His patented Imagineering GE Bancorp usury to HEALTH CARE!!!!!

We hope He and the other malevolent smirkers get burned just as they got burned with SUBPRIMES.

Posted 8:20 AM by Gene

The Branson East strike may be a LONG one -- because the theme-park owners are represented by the same HARD-CORE law firm that led New York's transit authority into a "disastrous" strike two years ago! (So this says.)

As for the notion that this is a calamity, well, I think we can counter that:

[T]he woes on Broadway aren't merely caused by industrial action. My latest visit, just before the strike kicked in, confirmed my suspicion that the Broadway musical, at its best a form of popular entertainment that reaches the realms of high art, is in a state of possibly terminal decline.

Originality and panache have been largely replaced by rip-offs from old movies, or juke-box shows featuring songs the audience already know.

One of the shows still running during the strike is Xanadu, a surprise hit based on a terrible old film starring Olivia Newton-John. The plot concerns an ancient Greek muse who inspires a present-day Californian artist to create a roller disco. The show - one of the most cynical and shabbily produced I have ever seen on Broadway - is just an excuse for a supercilious snigger and loads of knowing camp.

The artist is played by a handsome hunk in shorts to keep the gay men and the teenage girls who comprise most of the audience happy, and there's a perfunctorily performed score of old ELO hits and a starlet with perky breasts and a terrible Australian accent to lull lecherous middle-aged men into a stupor.

The jokes misfire, the dialogue isn't nearly as sharp as it fondly imagines, and the whole lazy show should have been eviscerated by the critics. Instead both the New York Times and the New Yorker have hailed it as a feast of fun and the producers can't believe their luck.

When intelligent reviewers start praising dross, you know a culture is in trouble. To have moved from West Side Story to Xanadu in half a century strikes me as tragic, and this ghastly little show seems symptomatic of a disastrous failure of vision in commercial theatre on both sides of the Atlantic.

But of course Branson East stumbles blind -- all the way to the bank, as they say. At least it did. And this sums up why we hope for a long bitter strike there too.

(Second link via ArtsJournal)

Posted 6:05 PM by Gene

Look at all the states and cities that poured THEIR money into SIVs!

Didn't they ever think of the name? Didn't they ever think?

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

Ian Smith, the last prime minister of Rhodesia, who happily, and for the extreme good of mankind, and the everlasting joy of his people, vacated his office for the brave and noble Robert Mugabe, has died. RIP.

To many white Rhodesians, he was "good old Smithy." To most blacks, HIS RULE SYMBOLIZED THE WORST OF RACIAL OPPRESSION!!!!!!!!!! [Freedom-fighting overemphasis added]

The ASSPress takes the right side again -- indeed, with that anonymous byline from ZIMBABWE we can be sure its truth-telling stringers won't ever take the WRONG side.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Perhaps our government should not have jailed Bilal Hussein for nineteen months. We would agree our brass asses have not burnished their reps by being none too forthcoming about why they've held him for so long or what charges he would face. But we would not put it past CURLEY [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] to think Himself superior to our government, or that the FRRRRREE-DOM of the PRRRRRRRRESSSSS should always trump our national security; nor would we put it past the hacks to support Bilal just because he was in with the in crowd, as being an insurgent is every bit as good as being HIP.

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

Because the scientists were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about AIDS, and because the scientists were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about embryonic stem cells, we can say the scientists are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Since when did science turn into an atheistic religious cult?

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

This is no slip of the tongue, or a mere ham-fisted attempt at oratory. Because WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING -- IT'S...THE ONLY THING, a coach is correct to liken a loss to Pearl Harbor or 9/11; it is treason to his skool, his fans, his ALUMNI -- and treason (especially treason to the ALUMNI) is punishable by a good dose of self-inflicted INFAMY.

We need not go just to Hollywood or the luxury suites to know why America's head isn't screwed on right; we need go to the Taj Mahals of professional college sport, and the richly appointed inner sanctums of its CEOs.

Posted 1:38 PM by Gene

Wait a second! I thought we were winning in Iraq! Why are we doing the please-pretty-please with Iran again?

Con-DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Posted 11:49 AM by Gene

Isn't it enough for Haier to be the Chinese Whirlpool?

Posted 11:43 AM by Gene

Rome has more history underground than most cities have above it.

Posted 11:28 AM by Gene

They must be KICKING themselves at THE MESS: our favorite overexposed loudmouth Rosie called Dubya a "war criminal"!

But count on our favorite PR man Rog to put a happy face on it: I mean, she does so much good for people!

Hey Honorary President Mike! Ready to have her campaign?

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

Where Have Burma's Monks Gone?

Gooooooooooooooooooooood question!

Posted 9:12 AM by Gene

There is one solution to foreground muzak: complain. It may seem useless when it's so prevalent, but people should complain. At the very least they should complain to the manager when it's too loud (as it often is). And when a chain like Mickey D's or WalgreenCVSRongAid must play Billy Joel's "Big Shot" thousands of times, call the 800 number and complain. This isn't a joke. Bad music is an essential component of the aural pollution that adds such stress to our lives. Lord Elton's earned enough royalties.

Posted 5:40 PM by Gene

A certain blogging law professor must be EXCITED!!!!!: Somebody's come up with a method of making "SUPERSTRONG CARBON NANOTUBE FIBERS!!!!!" that are "potentially strong enough to stop bullets", meaning the BUNSEN HONEYDEWS can devise a means of implanting or grafting or cloning or whatever this material in humans, making bulletproof cops -- and ultimately bulletproof people.

I'm excited too!!!!! -- at all the bullets that would fly.

Posted 5:29 PM by Gene

OH oh, Stale.com curses JFK Lincoln with the A-WORD!

We're doubtful. Adlai Stevenson did a better impression of an egg.

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

USA TODAY On Politics: Huckabee says he's 'Chuck Norris approved'

TRANSLATION: Mr. Christian Right's just another Hollywood slut.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

"Doonesbury" takes aim at MSM political reporters who blog

TRANSLATION: A CW cartoon mocks CW hacks engaging in a CW fad of the moment.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Pour millions into campaigns illegally -- get "slapped" on the wrist with a "huge fine" by the FEC!

The penalty is the seventh largest in FEC history.

THE MOUSE ROARS!

Is Mr. My Business is My Business smiling?

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

Why the hell do I have to know what a wonderful guy Ron Howard's powerful producing partner is -- a wonderful guy with a creepy face?

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO ALLISON!

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

And here's a Juxtaposition of the Week:

October Likely Gloomy for Radio

Imus to Return to TV, Too

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

Honorary USAOKAY!!!!! Hed of the Week:

• Preparedness helped Bangladesh avoid larger death toll

Posted 1:52 PM by Gene

Carole Simpson, whose hair looks better than ever, only did what she would have done before but couldn't do then because of JERNALISTIC ETHICS, but now that she's a perfesser she ought to be able to do with impunity.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

All fans of toilet paper will be sad to learn Dick Wilson, Charmin's own Mr. Whipple, has died. Our condolences also to Moon 'n' Stars, which has not turned out a good ad campaign in years.

Posted 11:14 AM by Gene

Why should my show follow Anderson Cooper's? I got here first!

Someone HAD to remind us LARRY KING!!!!! wrote for USAOKAY!!!!! -- many, many years ago.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 9:36 AM by Gene

Wall Street Plans $38 Billion of Bonuses as Shareholders Lose

The house wins again!

(Via Cheapie Marketwatch)

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

A member of the Fantasy and Profanity League admits to a dark secret: he and his fellow members love to strike.

Keep loving!

Posted 9:33 AM by Gene

An ode to the future of the paperless office:

Xerox to pay first dividend in more than six years

Posted 8:53 AM by Gene

Democratic Kampuchea never had its Nuremburg. That the League of Nations is running this one makes us doubt justice will be served, but better at least a token gesture of justice than none.

Posted 8:43 AM by Gene

Meanwhile the Great Stone Face's humongous discovery Jimmy Kimmel had to do without JOKES last night, making it the worst of his life.

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

Shucks, the theme park operators and roustabouts of Branson East couldn't agree, which makes us hope for the same out west, though we wouldn't hold our breath hoping.

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

We've noted before the tendency of inspiration-free rags to devise lists for the sole purpose of filling the space between the ads; Useless News and Forbeslist perfected the art. Mirroring their editorial foot-on-desk proppings the publisher of the Congressional Quarterly has released its annual lists of America's putatively safest and unsafest cities, and while Detroit's town "fathers" (much in the matter of a one-parent child's, we should say) are mad because the CQ people merely repeat what the whole world knows to be true, occasionally blaming the messenger can nonetheless assign some responsibility.

Posted 3:25 PM by Gene

The demolition yesterday of one of Morris Lapidus's Miami hotels pointed us to this charming anecdote:

Lapidus designed 1,200 buildings, including 250 hotels worldwide. The architectural establishment, wedded to its doctrinaire expressions of International Modernism, tried to ignore his work, then characterized it as gaudy kitsch. This abusive critical reception culminated in a 1963 American Institute of Architects (AIA) meeting held at the Americana, where a variety of well-known architects insulted Lapidus to his face, in one of his own hotels.

A 1970 Architectural League exhibit in New York began the serious appraisal of his work. Lapidus tried to ignore the critical panning, but it had an effect on his career and reputation. He burned 50 years' worth of his drawings when he retired in 1984 and remained personally bitter about some aspects of his career.

TRANSLATION: The people who put up all those refrigerators in our cities and the space-gobbling Dilbert garages in the suburbs were as sieg-heil conformist as any reporter, or moviemaker, or academic, and to the same calamitous effect.

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

I want you to do me a favor. Next time you're wondering aloud why the box office is in a slump and why audiences are staying away from the cinema, ask yourself this: are the endings happy? Are the movies designed to entertain rather than preach? Are the audiences seeing the films walking out with smiles on their faces? These are not happy times. Heavy, thoughtful movies are great for happy times. These are heavy times. Give us something happy and don't begrudge us the need for a pick-me-up when we're laying down a ten spot at the box office. You don't tell a depressed person about Africa. You buy them a puppy. So what's really wrong with the cinematic version of that?

Just one problem: the puppy mills are designed to produce pit bulls.

Posted 11:46 AM by Gene

Just another day in metro FRISCO:

Nude Suspect Sought In E. Bay
Union City police say man with nun's habit on head approached three young girls.

Posted 11:41 AM by Gene

But when you get to a certain level of notoriety, aren't you supposed to stiff the taxman?

Posted 11:39 AM by Gene

"If Rudy Giuliani wants to be the crimefighting candidate, why is he partnering with a large and growing gambling empire?"

Because he knows where the money is!

Posted 11:36 AM by Gene

A Saudi oil ministry adviser said there was no link between the explosion and the OPEC summit being held in Riyadh, the capital. He said there was no question the fire was an accident, and that terrorism was ruled out.

"This is purely maintenance-related," the adviser said, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue.

...he said, fingers crossed.

Posted 10:23 AM by Gene

Looking back today on the 1998 home-run derby between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, sports commentators refer derisively to that season as baseball's "Summer of Love." There is a tone of contempt as those words are uttered, as if the media knew then what they know now -- that those home runs were powered by something more than sculpted hardwood.

Yes, they were powered by the words of Mr. My Business is My Business (current Amazon.com rank: #650,875) and Tim Mc-CAR-VER (current Amazon.com rank: #2,032,833) and Mike "ESPN!" Lupica (current Amazon.com rank: #4,610,523) and all those other six- and seven-digit typing louts who oohed and aahed over THE GREATEST SEASON IN BASEBALL HISTORY!!!!! Yes, the steroids helped, but so did all the sycophantic credulous rave reviews for that drug-sculpted hardwood. And ASTERISK was inspired by the oohs and aahs. That the scribblers are "burying Bonds" is because, like the doctor, they're trying to bury their own mistakes -- but the ghosts still live.

We would say, physician, heal thyself, but there is no known cure for news hacks, and besides, they've been well with their various mental illnesses for several centuries.

P. S. "From School Library Journal":

The 1998 major league baseball season will go down in sports annals as one of exciting action, record-breaking performances, and exemplary sportsmanship.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8:27 PM by Gene

Hey wait a second JonBoy, the TWXSTERS made JEFF BEZOS!!!!! (or rather, JEFFREY PRESTON BEZOS!!!!!) their Nincompoop of the Year eight years ago! You're number TWO -- and you're STEALING!

Or rather, plugging.

Posted 3:10 PM by Gene

St. Warren of Buffett has become friends with a zillionaire ball player, which, in a way, is where he always belonged.

Posted 2:53 PM by Gene

Six-year-old Oscar Jimenez Jr. was beaten to death in California, then buried under fertilizer and cement. Two-year-old Devon Shackleford was drowned in an Arizona swimming pool. Jayden Cangro, also 2, died after being thrown across a room in Utah.

In each case, as in many others every year, the alleged or convicted perpetrator had been the boyfriend of the child's mother....

NUF SAID.

Posted 2:47 PM by Gene

Two oddly related stories: We seem to have forgotten who the Marquis de Lafayette was -- and, with the noblest of intentions, we seem to have forgotten which side Germany took in the last world war.

Posted 1:13 PM by Gene

I feel your pain! I know what it's like to have to live on only $2 million a year. But with my help, I'll see to it you earn $4 million a year!

Posted 12:47 PM by Gene

Though we were upset to learn the millionaires and billionaires will be talking again -- and they should remember, all they have to do is regale one another with their shared contempt for the public, and they'll settle quickly -- we were a little happier to see THE CONSPIRACY is back in slump mode, possibly thirty percent this weekend. The one number that struck us was for Mr. Magoolium's Magic Empoolium, or whatever SLIME calls it. We wonder who comes out for "family" movies. The biz has spent so many years chasing their constituency away we're a little aghast it still exists; but someone comes out for the grossout "family" comedies and the brand-name CGIs, although we wonder if that's just a manner of breeding and training a small section of the audience. That said, and we've pounded this out before, the public knows when THE CONSPIRACY is talking down to it, and because so many in the crowd can see through the ruse the "family" flick has largely lost whatever goodwill it had.

Posted 10:53 AM by Gene

Whatsa matta, Best-Seller? Can't stand the heat?

Posted 10:24 AM by Gene

Also in LALALand, this WUHK honoring one of the noble and admired Michelangelos of our time was PAINTED OVER because the PHILISTINES of the NEIGHBORHOOD can't stand AHT.

WwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwELL!

Posted 10:00 AM by Gene

The louse who stole several tens of millions from the incompetent D. C. government lived a "lifestyle" worthy of a millionaire striker.

Posted 9:57 AM by Gene

Hey honey! Stop calling me in the middle of my speeches and start campaigning!

Posted 9:50 AM by Gene

Damn, the millionaire bums and billionaire bums are going to talk.

Why couldn't they have left well enough alone?

Posted 9:37 PM by Gene

Joke of the Day:

The stagehands' strike is reportedly costing Broadway producers so much money that they can no longer afford tickets to Young Frankenstein.

Now if this were the Millionaires' Strike...oh, never mind.

Posted 8:47 PM by Gene

Speaking of LALA, one of the salient features of modern American unreporting is its obsession with turning every molehill into a mountain, especially under the guise of breaking win -- wisdom that should remain unbroken. Tim Rut is extremely exercised not only because those huge cable wastes of air time dealing in "news" are partisan, God Forbid, but worse, because Lou "The Formerly CEO-Fanny-Kissing Populist" Dobbs may RUN FOR PRESIDENT!!!!! To take a bromide, however weakly steeped in the truth, and turn it into the acme of bloviation is achievement enough; but to suggest this fraud is serious is worse than outrageous because The Crusading Lou's audience is so small -- smaller than the vote counts many of these legitimate presidential candidates have earned in elections. But that will not prevent us from stinking up a room with our keyboard and getting a videoholic megalomaniac into the race under the guise of MAKING A POINT.

SHUT UP, TIM RUT.

Posted 8:43 PM by Gene

Before we saw this ad, we saw an ad for Macy's. The Macy's ad had a button marked, "Skip this ad." Unfortunately there was no way to skip the ad following.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO AGUSTIN!

Posted 6:33 PM by Gene

Do some people take their college football too seriously?

Posted 6:28 PM by Gene

If you don't like this news:

Democrats unable to bring troops home (AP)

You're sure to LOVE this news:

Army desertion rate highest since 1980 (AP)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

(Actual Yahoo! Mail news juxtaposition)

Posted 6:04 PM by Gene

One of the men auditoning for a big comfy show-biz PR job in Forbeslist gives three pretty fair assertions why the Millionaires' Strike won't hurt TV:

The strike won't cause consumers to abandon TV programming in favor of Web video.

That would be like abandoning a big-screen HDTV for a fifteen-year-old Casio portable with a burned-out LCD.

The strike won't slow the networks' Internet initiatives.

Because they need the invaluable experience of not knowing what they're doing.

The strike won't cause a mass advertiser exodus from prime time.

Because it's OUR money to burn -- and who better to burn it?

Posted 6:01 PM by Gene

Now when can the car makers go all out and let people buy new cars on the Web as they should?

Posted 5:54 PM by Gene

Too much has already been gassed about the coming Zeitgeist battle between KOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and RASPUTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But no one has asked the basic question: how much will their GHOSTS write?

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

Blowtorch will ignite films

Seeing this hed I thought, God we could use it.

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

Yahoo shares up on Blodget takeover musings

HENRY HONEST DOES IT AGAIN!

He could have done better, though:

Google shares up on Blodget takeover musings

Any ideas, HONEST?

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

Which is worse -- hearing of manufactured feuds in network news or seeing and hearing of them?

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

The Atlantic Monthly is inflicting its readers with a fantasy by Mr. Mellerdrammer who says he luvs JFK Lincoln because of his face. One of the things that makes presidential campaign reporting intolerable is that everybody wants to be Anonymous, anointing the next president, wallowing in riches and renown, barely cognizant of the great sacrifice in verity and the huge heaping of scorn the success brings, even (or especially) when the gods grant the recipient a best-selling non-fiction novel. We need more scribbling stupidity on the campaign trail the way we need an epidemic of hives.

We have not linked because we figure that whiny flip-flopping self-pitying vastly-overremunerated hack has enough of them.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

We are supposed to be astonished that one of Cable Nuisance Network's mouths has a conflict of interest?

Isn't that what that waste of air time is for?

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

What is this Econowiz story on the global economy -- a prediction or a contrary indicator? And why does it sound so much like the latter even when it has enough of the ring of truth?

We'll find out the answers to our questions soon enough, we suppose.

(Via Stale.com)

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Some things were just meant to go together: ham and eggs, pork and beans, Mutt and Jeff, day and night, Marty Brennaman and Joe Nuxhall. They formed the most memorable announcing duo in baseball, and we listened to many of their games though not formally a Reds fan. They had a symmetry that no hard planning and hard work can ever account for. Yes, two are often better than one, and these two twinned so exceptionally well Cincinnatians aren't the only ones who will feel the loss.

(Link via USAOKAY!!!!!.com)

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

It'll be a cold day in hell when N.J. Sen. Frank Lautenberg, 84, takes the turnpike to retirement. [Home-page squib]

I thought you guys needed the warm bodies?

Posted 9:36 AM by Gene

And yet another. While it is true the cereal biz' reliance on sugar makes its advertising a magnet for Congresspoops, and thus counterproductive, if enough companies decide they can do without financing junk show-biz yet see their sales unaffected (or even IMPROVE), this will be the beginning of the end for our media superiors. But one should never estimate their ability to gather new -- sugar daddies.

Posted 9:35 AM by Gene

Another argument for the Millionaires' Strike to be as long and as painful as possible.

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

We know RON PAUUUUL!!!!! doesn't think much of America's currency -- but was it really wise for his clones to mint their own?

"This is an example of Bernanke trying to protect his own nest because he knows it's got holes in it!!" Mr. von NotHaus [SIC!!!!!] said, referring to Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve. "He can't have something like the Liberty Dollar running around competing with his currency!! It points out the fallacy of the fiat monetary system!!! They had to do something!!!!! THEIR CURRENCY IS LOSING AND WE'RE GOING TO THE MOON!!!!!" [Overemphasis added]

I'd say you're already there.

Posted 9:17 AM by Gene

"IT'S NOT GETTING BETTER, IT'S GETTING WORSE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

Oh, shut up.

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

Goshdarnit, USAOKAY!!!!! is "rationalizing" 45 workers, and we can be sure NOT ONE is among those who bang out that paper's "LEGENDARY" show-biz and advertising PR.

Departments will exclude certain key positions based on strategic needs in 2008.

Puff pieces, Super Bowl advertising special sections -- no, we didn't think they'd fire THOSE folks.

Posted 5:29 PM by Gene

The government of MarionBarrydom has given us a good reason it should not be bequeathed statehood any time soon.

Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

Guess who's been charged with PERJURY* and OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE*!

You'll never GUESS*.

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

Shucks, even the Canadians say not liking our wars doesn't qualify one as a political prisoner.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

If this were another industry we'd say, "Shut up and talk!" (if you know what we mean), but the longer these monomanicacs are at each others' throats the happier we are.

Posted 11:40 AM by Gene

As tall as the Chrysler Building, and the opposite extreme of its handsomeness.

Or to put it another way, it looks like a 1050-foot high-tech toothpick.

But we expect The Paper of Re-CORD to praise it. That's how you get to be cutting-edge!

Posted 10:27 AM by Gene

If SLIME had bought The Paper of Re-CORD that would have ended for all time the idiot talk that He is a con-SER-va-tive.

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 10:21 AM by Gene

Better rush to get cable:

Cablevision Offers On-Screen Caller ID

Mm-hmm. Cable doing caller ID. Why not leave this sort of thing to the phone companies?

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

We are disappointed this tobacco spinoff didn't sell its cereals unit to the likes of the Three-Headed Dog, but there are still many opportunities for corporate reconsolidation where this came from.

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

Meanwhile, in the teeming world of megamasterpieces that is Hollywood, a conundrum over a new megamasterpiece:

[T]he quiet hasn't stopped blogs from drawing hard-core Sondheim fans -- the kind who "really want an image of Betsy Joslyn from the 1982 DVD" -- wringing their hands with lines like, "I wonder what great songs they're going to cut from this movie."

A few posts down came a reaction that may encapsulate the DreamWorks challenge more succinctly: "Whoa, wait -- this is a musical?"

Ah, decisions, decisions. [Link added]

Posted 9:45 AM by Gene

Your new bike shelters look weal pwetty, Honorary President Mike, but if there's one thing you mu-ni-CI-pal types seem to love to devise it's new canvases for graffiti and scratchiti, hoping the canvases will somehow repair themselves.

Posted 9:20 AM by Gene

Why must the typists act as cheerleaders for the striking millionaires? How many screenplays hide in their desks? Did the Cute Little Pink Paper get on our case for Paramount Pete taking Big Mean Management's side? How much of the public would tell both sides to go where the sun don't shine, Pepperdine University and something called SurveyUSA notwithstanding?

And the best part is such begging and pleading appears to be almost totally irrelevant, the land where news hacks are quickly headed.

Posted 7:44 PM by Gene

"This is what we expected," Simpson told The Associated Press before he left the courtroom. "If I have any disappointment, it's that I wish a jury was here. As always, I rely on the jury system."

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!!!!!!!!!!