THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, November 22, 2003
Wonderful. All these third-rate architects have devised memorials for Ground Zero, and the Times shows us a picture of a memorial in New York "in need of repairs less than a year after it opened." This is what we'll get at Ground Zero: complexity, irrelevance, and obsolescence.
I should have posted this yesterday: SUPERHOOPER's throwing a tantrum over this BC cartoon, which he claims slurs Islam. For once I'll agree with the HOOP: I think Johnny Hart did it on purpose. He's a born-again Christian and he's made religious appeals through the cartoon before; without the Islam angle the strip's pointless and unfunny -- and with it it's unfunny (it goes without saying). Still, after the last two years or so I can see why some might be slightly exercised at the SUPERHOOPERS.
Lee's Movie Info (which seems to get the numbers before the much-vaunted BoxOfficeMojo.com does) predicted AUDREY'S MONSTER would do $61 million in biz the first weekend. WELL, here we are, one day into the run, and it looks like it won't make two-thirds that. Maybe there was a backlash to the commercials after all. (We won't know until next week.) RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s art-house maritime flick is going glubglub. And it's official: Looney Tunes BOMBED, proof that the Mogul's Friend does not know what he's talking about.
I'm thinking: maybe we could apply Richard ADVERTISEMENT Corliss's argument (ZILLIONS of kids have seen THE MATRIX and they came out ALL RIGHT) to WACKO: thousands of kids have visited him, and they seem to have emerged okay.
Which means, of course, that even ONE act of child molestation is okay too.
Which means, of course, that even ONE act of child molestation is okay too.
Says the link on the front page of the Post's site, "The Day a Nation's Spirit Died." SONS OF BRADLEE AND BUFFETT, why didn't you go ALL THE WAY and say, "The Day a Nation Died"? You've been obsessing about your favorite assassination for ages, in no small part because of the internal glee it provokes, because it combined with the growing self-seriousness and self-centeredness and utter loathsomeness of the business to create our INESCAPABLE RULING CLASS, a class mightier than the rule of God or law, a class that will listen to neither criticism nor reason, that is a force unto itself, that would not modify itself ONE IOTA even after the stinging scandals of Janet Cooke and Jayson Blair, that will NEVER ADMIT TO ANY WRONG, a class that has obsessed and fretted us into EVERY DISASTER OF THE LAST FORTY YEARS, from our cowardly withdrawal from Vietnam (winner of untold Pulitzers) to our deadly neglect of terrorism. (And let us not forget, all your obsessing is a reason we have the conspiracy theories, despite the fact that they were spread in large measure by the Soviets.) As I said before, you should be very happy with the outcome. But if you really want to celebrate it why not encourage the advertisers who give you perpetual succor to run ads for KENNEDY ASSASSINATION SALE DAYS?
Now SHUT UP until next year, or when WACKO's TRIAL begins, when you can oppress us all anew.
Now SHUT UP until next year, or when WACKO's TRIAL begins, when you can oppress us all anew.
Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan vowed to defeat the attackers, who struck during the Islamic holy month of Ramadan.
“Those who bloodied this holy day and massacred innocent people will account for it in both worlds,” he said Thursday. “They will be damned until eternity.”
What? No 72 Helen Thomases for them?
“Those who bloodied this holy day and massacred innocent people will account for it in both worlds,” he said Thursday. “They will be damned until eternity.”
What? No 72 Helen Thomases for them?
All-night disaster.
We can safely predict the outcome. As more boomers come into Medicare, they'll want more exotic drugs (and not just the maintenance drugs, of course -- the "LIFESTYLE" drugs), which will blow the government's costs sky high, plus they'll be living longer, which could send the costs to Mars, plus the drug companies will gouge royally -- this is, after all, their entitlement -- and God knows how many loopholes and cubbyholes there'll be for crooks to ply. (That should easily take care of the "reforms" to the system, which should in time adapt themselves to the growing waste.) Thanks, clowns, for paving the road to the Slough of Fiscal Despond.
And the AMA gives us another reason to cheer: "This historic legislation enhances patients continued access to care by halting physician payment cuts." Let's send the costs to Pluto!
We can safely predict the outcome. As more boomers come into Medicare, they'll want more exotic drugs (and not just the maintenance drugs, of course -- the "LIFESTYLE" drugs), which will blow the government's costs sky high, plus they'll be living longer, which could send the costs to Mars, plus the drug companies will gouge royally -- this is, after all, their entitlement -- and God knows how many loopholes and cubbyholes there'll be for crooks to ply. (That should easily take care of the "reforms" to the system, which should in time adapt themselves to the growing waste.) Thanks, clowns, for paving the road to the Slough of Fiscal Despond.
And the AMA gives us another reason to cheer: "This historic legislation enhances patients continued access to care by halting physician payment cuts." Let's send the costs to Pluto!
Friday, November 21, 2003
BIG NAME NEW YORK RETAILERS SELL USED UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!!!!
This, I think, is what WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! would do if he owned a TV station.
This, I think, is what WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! would do if he owned a TV station.
BREAKING NEWS: The Quincy home of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was broken into today according to a report on WCVB-TV (Channel 5). The station reported that Quincy police said a television set was taken from the house. --Developing [from Boston.com]
WOW!!!!! This is IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!
The Sox, Celts and Bruins may demand equal time.
WOW!!!!! This is IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!
The Sox, Celts and Bruins may demand equal time.
The wonders of PRNewswire:
NEW ALBANY, Ohio, Nov. 21 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ -- Not since the fateful
encounter in 1901 between David Abercrombie, Ezra Fitch and the Great Moose
has there been so much excitement at A&F stores nationwide. On November 28,
everyone will have the chance to become part of this legend.
While some may contest the authenticity of the legend, no one can doubt
that clad in the coolest gear of the Holiday season and at the entrance to A&F
stores will be our infamous male and female greeters. A dollar donation to
Toys for Tots lets anyone snuggle up for a picture between two hunky,
shirtless A&F guys straight from the Legend of the Great Abercrombie & Fitch
Moose. They'll make Santa think twice before he reaches for another slice of
pumpkin pie.
Wait a second! I'm a man! Can't we snuggle up to two cuddly, blouseless A&F gals! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION!!!!!
What's the legend? (I guess PR hacks are almost as bad as news hacks.)
NEW ALBANY, Ohio, Nov. 21 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ -- Not since the fateful
encounter in 1901 between David Abercrombie, Ezra Fitch and the Great Moose
has there been so much excitement at A&F stores nationwide. On November 28,
everyone will have the chance to become part of this legend.
While some may contest the authenticity of the legend, no one can doubt
that clad in the coolest gear of the Holiday season and at the entrance to A&F
stores will be our infamous male and female greeters. A dollar donation to
Toys for Tots lets anyone snuggle up for a picture between two hunky,
shirtless A&F guys straight from the Legend of the Great Abercrombie & Fitch
Moose. They'll make Santa think twice before he reaches for another slice of
pumpkin pie.
Wait a second! I'm a man! Can't we snuggle up to two cuddly, blouseless A&F gals! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION!!!!!
What's the legend? (I guess PR hacks are almost as bad as news hacks.)
More great writing:
Good thing Dr. Seuss is no longer with us. He'd take out his "Bitsy, Big Boy Boomeroo'' and blow this whole mess "clear to Salamagoo.'' (See "The Butter Battle Book.'')
I'd wonder what he'd do about all the co-producers -- like P&G, Kellogg, Hershey...and about Bob Wright and "Zucks" Zucker and whoever runs the Universal butt-end.
God, I wish I could write doggerel.
P. S. Stay tuned for an angry letter to Hershey's chairman. I own a few shares in it.
Good thing Dr. Seuss is no longer with us. He'd take out his "Bitsy, Big Boy Boomeroo'' and blow this whole mess "clear to Salamagoo.'' (See "The Butter Battle Book.'')
I'd wonder what he'd do about all the co-producers -- like P&G, Kellogg, Hershey...and about Bob Wright and "Zucks" Zucker and whoever runs the Universal butt-end.
God, I wish I could write doggerel.
P. S. Stay tuned for an angry letter to Hershey's chairman. I own a few shares in it.
Walter Duranty keeps his Pulitzer, and news hacks and the Times breathe a sigh of relief. Their award frenzy is not in vain!
And a proud tradition continues:
In the 86-year history of the awards, no Pulitzer has ever been revoked.
News hacks ARE honest!
And a proud tradition continues:
In the 86-year history of the awards, no Pulitzer has ever been revoked.
News hacks ARE honest!
The producers of the horrible new "Cat in the Hat" movie could not have desecrated Dr. Seuss any more if they had dug up Ted Geisel's body and hung it from a tree, writes the Globe's Ty Burr. Ouch!
This is what passes for powerful writing with news hacks these days.
This is what passes for powerful writing with news hacks these days.
Media consolidation equals more trash.
Our betters may finally realize it. I doubt that the toadying Auletta army does.
Our betters may finally realize it. I doubt that the toadying Auletta army does.
Yes but. (See last paragraph.)
It will always be "yes but" with the de facto friends of Saddam and the holy cockroaches.
It will always be "yes but" with the de facto friends of Saddam and the holy cockroaches.
A Saudi tries humor, which is unusual as the Saudi's humor doesn't occur on the printed page, but in the lopping, the stoning, the beheading, and the terrorist bombing.
The Wacko case will be "the latest wretched-excess, pull-out-the-stops, over-the-top, high-decibel, facts-be-damned, pointless-speculation, round-the-clock frenzy," says a highly-paid alibi of an employee for the network that started the wretched-excess, pull-out-the-stops, over-the-top, high-decibel, facts-be-damned, pointless-speculation, round-the-clock frenzies: [CENSORED].
And in Miami (have we forgotten that one?), the protesting masses were "smaller than many expected," although if Dubya and some news hacks had been there, they would have been bigger.
In a lighter tone, from the Times, another one of those endearing heads that's almost unintentionally funny:
If You See a Roadside Ghost Afire, It's Best to Keep Right on Driving
More on AUDREY'S MONSTER later, but so far it's not looking good. Then again, who reads the ad-blurb copywriters?
If You See a Roadside Ghost Afire, It's Best to Keep Right on Driving
More on AUDREY'S MONSTER later, but so far it's not looking good. Then again, who reads the ad-blurb copywriters?
G.O.P. to Run an Ad for Bush on Terror Issue
This is the TOP story on the Times' site now, so you KNOW they're angry. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
This is the TOP story on the Times' site now, so you KNOW they're angry. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Thursday, November 20, 2003
I've been surfing Free Republic lately and it seems a lot of the members don't like FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News because it loads its airtime with JUNK (i.e., LaciKobeWacko). And this outfit's in the VAN of CONSERVATISM, MESSRS. SOUTH PARK?
Yep, it's in the van of conservatism, all right -- getting plastered.
Yep, it's in the van of conservatism, all right -- getting plastered.
Do you think the media are paper tigers?
No I don't, PROF, and here's why: Add up in your head (try to imagine it) the nation's total newspaper revenues, plus its magazine revenues, plus its TV revenues, plus its radio revenues, plus its movie revenues, plus its recorded-music revenues, plus its cable-system revenues, then divide that by what most bloggers make from their writing. If these are paper tigers they bare some rather awesome fangs.
No I don't, PROF, and here's why: Add up in your head (try to imagine it) the nation's total newspaper revenues, plus its magazine revenues, plus its TV revenues, plus its radio revenues, plus its movie revenues, plus its recorded-music revenues, plus its cable-system revenues, then divide that by what most bloggers make from their writing. If these are paper tigers they bare some rather awesome fangs.
I'm thinking maybe WACKO could plead insanity -- but he wouldn't do that because then he'd admit dad didn't treat him right.
The Trouble with Self-Publishing [ArtsJournal.com link]
...is the trouble with blogging. Outside of your friends, who wants to read it?
...is the trouble with blogging. Outside of your friends, who wants to read it?
More proof that we live in a PLATINUM AGE OF ENTERTAINMENT: Three high-profile theater projects have closed, one involving the Greatest Composer of All Time, Stephen Sondheim, another involving the famed Mickey D's crooner Barry Manilow -- and that didn't even make it to tryouts! (And they would have been here, in Philadelphia -- the first Broadway preview in decades. We once opened Kiss Me, Kate, now we can't even open for Bette Midler's pianist. NO MORE TRYOUTS!) And Farrah will have to do her middle-aged airhead routine somewhere else. This is what happens when our culture runs on fumes.
[T]he police estimate was 70,000.
Scotland Yard estimated the crowd at 100,00 [SIC] to 110,000. Organizers estimated it at 200,000 to 300,000.
[A] spokesman for the Stop the War Coalition said that 350,000 had joined the protest.
10,000, 20,000, 50,000, 200,000, A MILLION -- you're going to make these numbers up anyway, NEWS HACKS. All I know is, the righteous mob failed to shut down England as promised, and it was drowned out by its supporters in Istanbul. Then WACKO came along. Shut up, Saddam lovers. Your time is over.
Scotland Yard estimated the crowd at 100,00 [SIC] to 110,000. Organizers estimated it at 200,000 to 300,000.
[A] spokesman for the Stop the War Coalition said that 350,000 had joined the protest.
10,000, 20,000, 50,000, 200,000, A MILLION -- you're going to make these numbers up anyway, NEWS HACKS. All I know is, the righteous mob failed to shut down England as promised, and it was drowned out by its supporters in Istanbul. Then WACKO came along. Shut up, Saddam lovers. Your time is over.
If the TWXsters go with EMI, we eventually get three record companies. If they go with JUNIOR, they get more money.
I say, go with JUNIOR. At least he can go broke.
I say, go with JUNIOR. At least he can go broke.
Bush Says He'll Raise Troop Level in Iraq if Needed
He should have said this months ago. That he says it now plays into the news hacks' hands; they can pull the QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and VIETNAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gags on him in 500 new ways.
He should have said this months ago. That he says it now plays into the news hacks' hands; they can pull the QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and VIETNAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gags on him in 500 new ways.
This is nothing less than the worst kind of news-hack cognitive dissonance. Many many MANY bloggers have reported tiny turnouts for the London protests; but the hacks, vainly supporting the cause, are trying to inflate the numbers. This is why we need PARTISAN HONESTY in news. If you support a cause, don't use weasel words and trick stats -- SAY IT!!!!!
Well well WELL! It's not just young men who refuse to watch network TV -- it's young WOMEN too!
I think it safe to say that with EVERY demographic, TV stinks.
I think it safe to say that with EVERY demographic, TV stinks.
Now I know why Rush was so well-prepared for his return: in time he'll have nothing to talk about but himself.
Money Honey's auditioning for Francis Ford Coppola, which should make people stop taking news hacks seriously anymore.
I wouldn't be surprised if Honey told Lloyd. She must still be smarting over her interview with the Sun King.
I wouldn't be surprised if Honey told Lloyd. She must still be smarting over her interview with the Sun King.
If the Bush=Blair=Hitler rallies have been a fizzle to date, they should attract negative numbers now. Anyone protesting today quite firmly supports international terrorism -- and opposes humanity.
J'ACCUSE!!!!!
DEARBORN, Mich. (AP) -- The number of Middle Easterners cited for offenses in this heavily Arab community has risen nearly 10 percent since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, while charges against all others have fallen nearly 7 percent, according to a newspaper analysis.
Jeez, I wonder why people would do a thing like that.
DEARBORN, Mich. (AP) -- The number of Middle Easterners cited for offenses in this heavily Arab community has risen nearly 10 percent since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, while charges against all others have fallen nearly 7 percent, according to a newspaper analysis.
Jeez, I wonder why people would do a thing like that.
This orgy of corporate one-upmanship in Hollywood, where every consumer-products CEO must now know Mike Myers, is a landmark, effectively dawning the day when movie houses have digital projectors and can screen feature-length infomercials at will. And yet we must still go to see the movies. Why? Because the hacks say THEY'RE BETTER THAN EVER!
Here's betting the superdupermegamarketing hurts a film -- not now, there's too much of USA Okay behind it; but eventually people will view this sort of thing as the moral equivalent of COMMERCIALS, and respond ACCORDINGLY.
Here's betting the superdupermegamarketing hurts a film -- not now, there's too much of USA Okay behind it; but eventually people will view this sort of thing as the moral equivalent of COMMERCIALS, and respond ACCORDINGLY.
Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the fight over the alleged Iraq-al Qaeda link becomes a POLITICAL one, with conservatives saying yes, and liberals saying no.
How did SCREW YOU get to be the motto of politics?
How did SCREW YOU get to be the motto of politics?
Now QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! becomes -- the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan!
Before we spur a truckload of indignant letters....
Leaving aside the topic -- and I'd rather for now -- this has to be one of the stupidest lines ever to appear in an editorial. Where would a truckload of letters go? To clerks and interns, to roll their eyes as they glaze them scanning one semi-literate missive after another, and even if they're all well written, ninety-five percent of the letters get thrown out before they reach one of the six- and-seven digits, and the remaining five percent get sneered at soon enough, and only a woebegone two or three survive to challenge the hacks' ossified conventional wisdom, and often as not they agree with it. Heck the Post's managing editor says he doesn't read the letters page. He knows who's more important -- him and the fellow snobs who lead charmed lives telling us what to think. Must repeat it: news hacks have A CUSTOMER SERVICE PROBLEM.
P. S. Seeing that you use the word "cynical" twenty times, I'd like to go back through your history and read some of the BONERS you've pulled on the editorial page. I wonder -- how did blacks and Jews fare on the page before 1940? And how did you respond to JANET COOKE? With blather and bromides? Or did you respond at all?
Leaving aside the topic -- and I'd rather for now -- this has to be one of the stupidest lines ever to appear in an editorial. Where would a truckload of letters go? To clerks and interns, to roll their eyes as they glaze them scanning one semi-literate missive after another, and even if they're all well written, ninety-five percent of the letters get thrown out before they reach one of the six- and-seven digits, and the remaining five percent get sneered at soon enough, and only a woebegone two or three survive to challenge the hacks' ossified conventional wisdom, and often as not they agree with it. Heck the Post's managing editor says he doesn't read the letters page. He knows who's more important -- him and the fellow snobs who lead charmed lives telling us what to think. Must repeat it: news hacks have A CUSTOMER SERVICE PROBLEM.
P. S. Seeing that you use the word "cynical" twenty times, I'd like to go back through your history and read some of the BONERS you've pulled on the editorial page. I wonder -- how did blacks and Jews fare on the page before 1940? And how did you respond to JANET COOKE? With blather and bromides? Or did you respond at all?
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Thanks to Richard MICKEYMOUSE Nixon Philadelphia is $44 million in the hole over his abandoned rodent house, and this article intimates there might be a connection to Mayor Street's scandal trouble too.
Could a cartoon character bring down a mayor?
Could a cartoon character bring down a mayor?
The cute little pink paper that gave us Candace "EW! YUCK!! GROSS!!!" Bushnell and that has been losing millions for years with media insider baseball few people read, The New York Observer, obviously needed to fill up some of that pink this week, so it let its hacks go on a tangent about the little hotel heiress and The Midriff, quoting Camille Paglia (oiii!!!) and a pile of scum named Flynt (oiiii!!!!!), while the great rock-music blurbist and Hitler expert and deep philosopher Ron Rosenbaum goes on and on and on about Tom Wolfe and Norman Mailer and the Federalist Papers and Laci Peterson until he's forgotten what the heck he's written about. (Maybe he's auditioning for Lew "Where Am I?" Lapham's job at Harper's.) Both stories are headed "Fools for Scandal." In this case, we're talking the writers.
"Experts" say al Qaeda has 100,000 operatives, in an article with the word "dialogue."
And not ONE "expert" will admit to any ignorance on the topic. This will happen when nearly every man, woman and child in the Beltway is a consultant.
And not ONE "expert" will admit to any ignorance on the topic. This will happen when nearly every man, woman and child in the Beltway is a consultant.
Buzz T. Newhouse (or rather his friend Howard "Artie Stole My Job" Stern) asks, what sort of parents would let their child sleep with a suspected molester? Words like "blackmail" come to mind (and "posterity," as Buzz no doubt edited thousands of rave reviews and puff pieces for WACKO at EWWWWWWWWWWWW, and Newhouse would probably react with one of his "cranky" moods if you asked about them). But no one held a gun to WACKO's head when he dangled the baby, and no one held a gun to WACKO's head when he veiled his kids, and no one held a gun to WACKO's head when he slept with kids, however "innocently." In the end, WACKO's story is about a one-man publicity stunt gone out of control. That and belts.
RUSH SAYS HE WAS FRAMED!
And if NewsMax is to be believed (as it often is not), he has a credible story. But doesn't Rush technically work for EisnerCorp, as does Pee-TAH? Why is one end of the company at odds with the other? I'm wondering what Richard MICKEYMOUSE Nixon is up to. The other day it got WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to hyperventilate about another of its movies, and in time a corporate spokespoop said he "heard nothing." I further wonder if Nixon is playing mind games with the public. That whole EisnerCorp kettle of fish STINKS.
Then again, Rush HARRUMPHED AND GALLUMPHED about the drug "allegations," and look what happened.
And if NewsMax is to be believed (as it often is not), he has a credible story. But doesn't Rush technically work for EisnerCorp, as does Pee-TAH? Why is one end of the company at odds with the other? I'm wondering what Richard MICKEYMOUSE Nixon is up to. The other day it got WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to hyperventilate about another of its movies, and in time a corporate spokespoop said he "heard nothing." I further wonder if Nixon is playing mind games with the public. That whole EisnerCorp kettle of fish STINKS.
Then again, Rush HARRUMPHED AND GALLUMPHED about the drug "allegations," and look what happened.
WHAT WE HAVE LOST: I remember how the late, great Mike Royko made vicious fun of WACKO for grabbing his crotch. Since then, it's been one rock-music ad-blurb copywriter after another praising his GENIUS, calling "Thriller" the greatest accomplishment in musical history, and generally causing people of a sensitive nature to want to cancel their subscriptions. I'd like to think wherever ol' Mike is, and I hope he's having a fine time, he's probably laughing it up with friends over a few beers.
Turkey names suicide bombers
I guess this was inevitable, but I'm not sure this was a good idea. Now "martyrdom" has an identity. Perhaps we can put their names on a perpetual crawl at The Osama Channel.
Hot enough down there? If not, those 144 Helen Thomases will make it even HOTTER!
I guess this was inevitable, but I'm not sure this was a good idea. Now "martyrdom" has an identity. Perhaps we can put their names on a perpetual crawl at The Osama Channel.
Hot enough down there? If not, those 144 Helen Thomases will make it even HOTTER!
The National Professional Collegiate Athletic Association says it's implementing new rules to get more Division I players to graduate. "Critics" say it will merely cause the schools to cheat more.
With the academic-industrial complex making zillions off sports, I think we can guess what happens.
With the academic-industrial complex making zillions off sports, I think we can guess what happens.
If the Jonestown catastrophe has "faded from memory," it's because we've grown ever more inured to mass killing. Already 9/11 is just a dimly visible scar. How will we react if a nut case nukes a city? Ho-hum, so what? With people turning into "it"s it looks that way.
When a KID has to go into THERAPY after befriending THE GREATEST SINGER OF ALL TIME, something's amiss. (In several ways.)
When will we hear the three magical words: YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!?
When will we hear the three magical words: YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!?
Authorities are investigating whether radio host Rush Limbaugh skirted banking laws in getting cash to buy his illegal prescription painkillers, it was reported last night.
Authorities with whom? The Federal Reserve? He might have caused a liquidity crisis.
Law enforcement officials will decide this week whether to prosecute Limbaugh on the felony money-laundering charges....
Why does a man who makes $10 billion a year need to do this? To prove that as a high-mucky-muck he can violate the law at will?
Authorities with whom? The Federal Reserve? He might have caused a liquidity crisis.
Law enforcement officials will decide this week whether to prosecute Limbaugh on the felony money-laundering charges....
Why does a man who makes $10 billion a year need to do this? To prove that as a high-mucky-muck he can violate the law at will?
This is why we need a strong, principled opposition party -- so zillions in tax breaks to big business and the super-rich aren't a fait accompli. Here is the soft underbelly of Republicanism: its idiot devotion to THE RICH, much as the Democrats have their idiot devotion to ABORTIONISTS AND PROFESSIONAL VICTIM GROUPS.
SLEAZEBALL GUMBO! YOUR JOB'S WAITING!
SLEAZEBALL GUMBO! YOUR JOB'S WAITING!
THIS WILL GET EVERY HARD-CORE KNEE-JERK FREE-ENTERPRISE LARRY KUDLOW CONSERVATIVE MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! President DAMN! "is proposing a significant reversal: a comprehensive 're-regulation' of U.S. businesses"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COMMUNIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Of course, if we let big business do whatever it wants to do, that could lead to one-company capitalism -- or communism with a smiley face.)
COMMUNIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Of course, if we let big business do whatever it wants to do, that could lead to one-company capitalism -- or communism with a smiley face.)
Gay marriage may not matter much in the end: The human race is well on its way to becoming a race of "it"s.
Egypt wouldn't have to worry about a sinister strongman's "mild health crisis" if it had a democracy -- something Egypt, like most Arab nations, will never consent to.
Looks like the WIMPS of LALA's city council, the same principled political hacks who declared with passion and reason that our president MUST NOT FIGHT A WAR IN IRAQ, CAVED on banning a means of exploiting women -- all, no doubt, in the name of what BIGMEDIA call "free expression."
Remember when Pepsi and P&G sponsored Hezbollah TV? WELL, here's a taste of what they might well have been sponsoring: The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, Part Deux.
Pepsi-Cola Hits the Spot! I think I'd rather gargle with Mr. Clean.
Pepsi-Cola Hits the Spot! I think I'd rather gargle with Mr. Clean.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
A human nest waits for that bird to fly into it.
I suspect the guy put Saddam on his poster board at the last second. Don't want to be too chummy with tyrants.
EU URGES ISRAEL TO STOP APARTHEID WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And we all know what the solution to "apartheid" is -- NUKE THE JEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This Osama Channel Update brought to you by Lever 2000®. For the best parts of life™.
And we all know what the solution to "apartheid" is -- NUKE THE JEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This Osama Channel Update brought to you by Lever 2000®. For the best parts of life™.
Andy S. waves his glibertarian flag with an egregious quote from Martin Luther King. Now if Massachusetts's natives overturn their court (highly unlikely, given how PC Mass is) is that an act of evil? Law by judges good; law by the people bad. And you're a SOUTH PARK CONSERVATIVE?!?!? Andy S. proves that not only liberals can bake a mean ideological pretzel.
Okay, so it's all about un-PC words, but the way things are going Dubya may not be able to get ANYONE appointed.
How does this serve our nation, Tiny Tom?
How does this serve our nation, Tiny Tom?
News hacks want it both ways on celebrity. In a 1,685-word thumb-sucker (WHAT IS WITH THESE GUYS?!?) this Trib rock-music ad-blurb copywriter says what I'll say in 20: The Midriff is a lifelong PR stunt that barely (no pun intended) props up a corrupt and decaying record biz -- and seeing as how his life depends on press passes he holds his tongue. Halfway across the continent KnightRidder's hacks label Her Royal Highness of Self-Pity and Sleaze "America's Treasure" -- and tonight she's earning an award named for Marian Anderson, an absolute disgrace, for though Anderson could be regal to the point of self-parody -- she spoke of herself in the third person -- she was the greatest musical ambassador we ever knew (and yes, I'm including Satchmo), her perseverance broke down racial barriers, and her immortal interpretations of (sorry, I'm going to be un-PC here) Negro spirituals can elicit tears from a stone. Her Royal Highness is on Little Malcolm's lists, and she's inspired a library full of sappy books, and what else? No, the MO with news hacks and celebrity is always SELL SELL SELL, even if they chase their readers away. The advertisers can make up for them.
The dark night of England's soul begins -- or, how many ways can dirt and germs call Dubya a Nazi and a party to genocide?
He shouldn't have done it, but the fun part will be seeing the looney left immolate itself in anger.
He shouldn't have done it, but the fun part will be seeing the looney left immolate itself in anger.
Another downside to USA Okay: 2,250 mind-numbing words on "parity" in NASCAR. Here's writing one could sleepwalk through, the deadliest verbiage on a topic of no importance and no interest save to a few diehard stock-car-racing fans. This is the same pile of doggie-doo that just ran an order form for Tom Peters's book and that prints every last show-biz press release. I don't care what the Howie "Hair Shirt" Kurtzes say, if it keeps up like this Okay will rank with Reader's Digest and Parade as America's worst mass-circulation rag. And there are no bests.
I think Buzz T. Newhouse and Nick Denton have competition to become the Graydon Carter of blogging.
One mo' time: Bleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One mo' time: Bleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry Prof, your fellow BILL employee Eric hogs bandwidth to do flatulent puffery, proving that blogging is not the mark of one pure of heart.
Cablevision is suing TWX (one cable company suing another?!?!?) because it's tried to pull the plug on the AMC channel -- All Clunkers, All the Time!™ -- for claiming "Alien: Resurrection and The Shawshank Redemption" are CLASSICS.
Here's rooting for the TWXsters, for once.
Here's rooting for the TWXsters, for once.
"WE COULD COME PERILOUSLY CLOSE TO A ONE-PARTY STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE COULD WIND UP WITH TWO MORE ANTONIN SCALIAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
To which I say (as I've said before), you have one-party states in media and academe. JUST KEEP UP THE YELLING.
To which I say (as I've said before), you have one-party states in media and academe. JUST KEEP UP THE YELLING.
He isn't there yet and already the dirt and germs are out in full force. Peeeeeeeeeeeew!
I wouldn't worry about terrorists for Dubya. I'd worry about diseases.
Now the bands that can't stop recording may be subject to time limits. This won't work. Self-indulgence knows no time limits.
So tell us, New York Times, is this still one of the greatest films ever made, despite the fact that you say it takes total liberty with history and stretches credulity at every turn? The answer, of course, must be yes. Show-biz wins over everything.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Who wants to bet Toys "R" Us disappears in five years? It's fighting Wal-Mart and its own practice of piling stock indiscriminately in warehouse-type eyesores. And the former FAO Schwarz (or Zany Brainy) is on the precipice. Does suburban America need so many toy stores?
Rush Limbaugh returned to his talk show Monday after five weeks in a drug rehab center, saying he paid little attention to the news while he was in treatment, reading a newspaper only a few times and watching no television. [IWantMedia.com link]
Perfect preparation for telling people how to think!
Perfect preparation for telling people how to think!
Buzz TWXster (and NEWHOUSE; I'm changing that @#$%&* LOGROLLER'S name) favorite Nick Denton aims to be the Graydon Carter of blogging.
Bleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
USA Okay polishes its rep as America's leading PR outlet by running a direct-marketing pitch for the Dilbertian charlatan Tom Peters's latest attempt to collect consulting fees. (He's related, of course, to the holy liberal the Rev. Charles "The Ends Justify the Means" Peters, so while the one hits up corporate America the other hits it up.) In other words, Okay proves yet again it's just another form of junk mail.
Here's a motto: Concast. The Warm and Fuzzy Cable Company™.
I think I'll remember that when I send my next pound of flesh -- or surf LALATimes.com.
I think I'll remember that when I send my next pound of flesh -- or surf LALATimes.com.
I wish I could do some Dr. Seuss-like doggerel on Audrey the GeiSELLer, but I'm afraid she'd sue me.
I'd also like to dedicate some Dr. Seuss-like doggerel to the IDIOTS who wrote this PR, but they probably read Fox in Socks at bedtime.
I'd also like to dedicate some Dr. Seuss-like doggerel to the IDIOTS who wrote this PR, but they probably read Fox in Socks at bedtime.
More for the Who Moved My Cheese? crowd from the Monitor: Business connects with "spiritual values." Translated: it goes touchy-feely (read: even more PC) at no cost, except to the rank-and-file who must now endure more meetings -- with their inner selves.
Well well! That was fast! GUILTY!
No surprise. What's that old line -- a man who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client? A fool, in this case -- and a convicted mass murderer.
No surprise. What's that old line -- a man who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client? A fool, in this case -- and a convicted mass murderer.
Also linked on ArtsJournal.com, a demonstration that too much navel staring as the result of too much reading of newspapers and too much nostalgia over the magical anniversary this Saturday may be hazardous to one's mental health.
An instance where ArtsJournal.com's link says more than the story it links to. "[W]ill the combination of fan devotion and marketing savvy prove lethal and taint Rings as mere 'adolescent fantasy' forever?" It is hard to sympathize with an author whose estate is making hundreds of millions thanks to the TWXsters; and given that (from what I know of Tolkien's books) they're high-end versions of swords-and-sorcerers games, I'd say yes, they are "adolescent fantasies."
Another show-biz mouthpiece says "parents" should take "responsibility" for the kids' downloading.
Fine. But these clowns never cease to remind us that 95 percent of their noise -- er, product -- er, music is aimed at minors. What does the mouthpiece propose? Have parents attend to their kids' every download?
These clowns also never cease to remind us that the noise -- er, pop music is about REBELLION. What do you propose to the parents, dear mouthpiece, when the kids rebel -- on your orders?
Fine. But these clowns never cease to remind us that 95 percent of their noise -- er, product -- er, music is aimed at minors. What does the mouthpiece propose? Have parents attend to their kids' every download?
These clowns also never cease to remind us that the noise -- er, pop music is about REBELLION. What do you propose to the parents, dear mouthpiece, when the kids rebel -- on your orders?
Another high-tech bumble by government: the Shreveport police are ditching a voice-recognition system because it can't understand people who speak with Southern drawls.
Ah gayess thee awlternateave wuz to teach peopul to cawll the po-LEECE with Yeankee aycceaynts.
Ah gayess thee awlternateave wuz to teach peopul to cawll the po-LEECE with Yeankee aycceaynts.
And speaking of conservatives, here's another idea whose time may yet come: a national insurance company! That would be a great way of replacing Medicare.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Sighhhhhhhhhhhh, John Leo's fallen for Andy S.'s SOUTH PARK CONSERVATISM gag too, so I guess he's just another old fogey after all.
I suppose we should get excited that the lowly Cincinnati Bengals beat the previously pure-of-record Kansas City Chiefs, but with its interchangeable teams, interchangeable players, interchangeable excessive salaries, interchangeable shakedowns, interchangeable ATTITUDE, interchangeable felonies, interchangeable steroids, interchangeable marketing, interchangeable licensing, interchangeable owners and interchangeable GREED, the NFL doesn't excite me as much anymore.
PLUS I haven't gotten a new TV yet.
PLUS I haven't gotten a new TV yet.
Two stories demonstrate why people who want to be show-biz moguls should see a psychiatrist. The first is of JUNIOR, who turned the wealth of Seagram's and duPont into platinum-plated dross. The second surrounds this week's make-believe box-office stats, especially as they concern the TWXsters. Elf cost "in the low 30s," may make $250 to $300 million. But Richard ADVERTISEMENT Corliss's favorite is tanking, an unprecedented tanking, after the fortune spent to shoot and distribute and especially to SELL it, and that misbegotten Looney Tunes masterwork could lose tens of millions. When the ledger books are sorted out the TWXsters could find they'd have been better off putting the money in a mutual fund -- provided they could find one that was honest.
I did not want to extend the shelf life of this story, but one of the New York Daily News's 500 columnists likened that very little hotel heiress to the Gabor sisters. This is an undeserved compliment. The Gabors were larger than life, they hung out with others larger than life, they married men who were larger than life, they maintained their looks well into middle age (although they weren't exactly my cup of borscht), and they revelled in their publicity. Our little heiress is smaller than life, she hangs out with dorks (literally and figuratively), she has a flat rump, and she's scared. And the only reason the only woman of our time who came vaguely within the Gabors' shadow, that la suprema of airheads, Anna Nicole, stretched her fifteen minutes of fame to a half hour was because she had an Amazonian figure augmented with a boob job. Better perhaps to liken this club-hopping miss to Oona O'Neill, a notorious debutante and lounge lizard who was famous only for being Eugene O'Neill's daughter and Charles Chaplin's wife -- and she was better looking. Please, enough of this filler for among the ads.
Excellent! Iran gets Iraq's top missile expert! That should speed up its ability to NUKE ISRAEL!
Which should speed up its plans to commit mass suicide.
Which should speed up its plans to commit mass suicide.
A Denver Post rock-music ad-blurb copywriter has resigned due to -- PLAGIARISM.
Isn't plagiarism what rock-music ad-blurb copywriters are about?
Besides, don't these clowns file-share too?
Arlington, Va.: Has Washingtonpost.com ever thought about running a retrospective of the Janet Cooke debacle next to The Post and Watergate feature?
Ben Bradlee: Not to my knowledge. That is an idea whose time has not come.
Isn't plagiarism what rock-music ad-blurb copywriters are about?
Besides, don't these clowns file-share too?
Arlington, Va.: Has Washingtonpost.com ever thought about running a retrospective of the Janet Cooke debacle next to The Post and Watergate feature?
Ben Bradlee: Not to my knowledge. That is an idea whose time has not come.
PROF is sad that MP3.com is shutting its doors. It's a long story -- the site was involved in the stealing of intellectual property rights and lost a suit to the RIAA, after which the incompetents at Vivendi bought it out, just like Bertelsmann with the worthless Napster. What's most interesting is that CNET, the new owner, is deleting all of MP3.com's files. It might be merely a way of avoiding more legal trouble; then again, it's trashing a lot of "music" (from "independent artists"), and that doesn't say much for its worth.
And there, in a nutshell, is a problem with the Web: whether through blogging or "music" making or chatting, its audience talks largely to itself.
And there, in a nutshell, is a problem with the Web: whether through blogging or "music" making or chatting, its audience talks largely to itself.
Lawmakers Reach Prescription Drug Deal
You want QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? HERE'S QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You want QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? HERE'S QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When dumb things happen in dumb newsmagazine websites:
What Gene Robinson Can Learn From Jackie Robinson
First off, Jackie Robinson used a bat.
What Gene Robinson Can Learn From Jackie Robinson
First off, Jackie Robinson used a bat.
I just noticed this:
After the relative fizzle of Reloaded....
THIS FROM THE IDIOTS WHO GAVE US THE COVER AD COPY FOR THAT MOVIE! THESE @#$%&*S HAVE NO ETHICS!
Arlington, Va.: Has Washingtonpost.com ever thought about running a retrospective of the Janet Cooke debacle next to The Post and Watergate feature?
Ben Bradlee: Not to my knowledge. That is an idea whose time has not come.
After the relative fizzle of Reloaded....
THIS FROM THE IDIOTS WHO GAVE US THE COVER AD COPY FOR THAT MOVIE! THESE @#$%&*S HAVE NO ETHICS!
Arlington, Va.: Has Washingtonpost.com ever thought about running a retrospective of the Janet Cooke debacle next to The Post and Watergate feature?
Ben Bradlee: Not to my knowledge. That is an idea whose time has not come.
The Next Frontiers Online Forum with Bill Gates
Have a question for the Microsoft mogul? Ask away and we’ll pass your query along
Pffh-hh-hh-hh-hh ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a question for the Microsoft mogul? Ask away and we’ll pass your query along
Pffh-hh-hh-hh-hh ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I knew why hacks like the "LEGENDARY" Ben Bradlee are having an orgy of nostalgia over you-know-what day. You'd think to them it would be their happiest day -- after that, news hacks RULED THE WORLD! You STOPPED A WAR AND DITCH A PREZ! You were the embodiment of GOOD and all your enemies were EVIL! You proved we couldn't live without you -- and anyone who tried would be subject to INTERNAL EXILE! People made movies of you -- in which you were the HEROES -- that won ACADEMY AWARDS®!!!!! Perhaps the closest we can come to an understanding is that the hacks believe the day wrecked America, which was a good thing. That and JFK was a Democrat, and they were -- objective. The jerks will obsess on the 200th anniversary.
And then came JANET COOKE. OR:
Arlington, Va.: Has Washingtonpost.com ever thought about running a retrospective of the Janet Cooke debacle next to The Post and Watergate feature?
Ben Bradlee: Not to my knowledge. That is an idea whose time has not come. [THIS IN 1997.]
And then came JANET COOKE. OR:
Arlington, Va.: Has Washingtonpost.com ever thought about running a retrospective of the Janet Cooke debacle next to The Post and Watergate feature?
Ben Bradlee: Not to my knowledge. That is an idea whose time has not come. [THIS IN 1997.]
Guess what's on the cover of BLUNDER? SYNERGY!! As in -- BILL THE ENTOMOLOGIST!!!!!
Weren't there any masterpieces from Hollywood this week, MR. MARK?
Weren't there any masterpieces from Hollywood this week, MR. MARK?
I've done this before, so....Let's see if I can read a column without reading it, in this case, The Gliberal's, and all I have to go by is the front-page hed: Angels, Reagan, and AIDS in America. Okay, here goes:
Angels in America is the greatest play ever written, penned by a man who out Wildes Oscar Wilde, and the new HBO special is the greatest thing ever to air on that supreme cultural oasis -- better even than The Sopranos, which is mankind's greatest achievement. (Well, maybe second to it. Got that plug in.) It was Tony Kushner's genius to link the political corruption of the greed-is-good eighties (gotta get that in there) to that senile doddering old HOMOPHOBE Ronald Reagan, who always passed the buck -- especially on AIDS, which because of his indifference he helped promulgate -- BUT perhaps (perhaps) he is not the embodiment of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL that Kushner and THE NOSE (pardon, the producers of The Reagans) thought he was; he was merely weak and misguided, a Silent Cal for the computer age. No, THAT honor goes to the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Dubya, who....
There. I've finished his column for the week. Now on to BLUNDER.
Glib, why should we read newspaper columnists right or left when we could write your columns in a coma -- as you do?
Angels in America is the greatest play ever written, penned by a man who out Wildes Oscar Wilde, and the new HBO special is the greatest thing ever to air on that supreme cultural oasis -- better even than The Sopranos, which is mankind's greatest achievement. (Well, maybe second to it. Got that plug in.) It was Tony Kushner's genius to link the political corruption of the greed-is-good eighties (gotta get that in there) to that senile doddering old HOMOPHOBE Ronald Reagan, who always passed the buck -- especially on AIDS, which because of his indifference he helped promulgate -- BUT perhaps (perhaps) he is not the embodiment of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL that Kushner and THE NOSE (pardon, the producers of The Reagans) thought he was; he was merely weak and misguided, a Silent Cal for the computer age. No, THAT honor goes to the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Dubya, who....
There. I've finished his column for the week. Now on to BLUNDER.
Glib, why should we read newspaper columnists right or left when we could write your columns in a coma -- as you do?