Eugene David
...The One-Minute Pundit

Saturday, February 21, 2004


One thing Ah-NULT had on Ralph: he appeared on Leno. (Not to say Meet the Press can't be funny too.)

My prediction: he runs. Let's see if I can go two-for-two. Only this one's much easier.


Agence France-Presse, the news service famous through bad Babelfish translations, reports you-who-know is lurking as usual around northwest Pakistan, so we have one reason not to believe it.


All this proves is that after having seen (and raved) thousands of movies the way to get to these two multimillionare publicists is to hit 'em on the head -- and they, like Mr. Mark, know (or think) a big payday's comin'.

I am getting sick and tired of hearing about this stunt, but the M.O. of modern public relations (and NEWS HACKERY) is TOTAL SUBJUGATION AT ANY COST.

P. S. EisnerCorp calls these bozos "renowned," perhaps thinking there might be some doubt -- especially after the conflict-of-interest stink.


I'm listening to Mrs. Miller -- yes, that Mrs. Miller -- and I'm thinking, almost forty years ago, the same kind of people who are about to flagellate themselves in movie houses by the millions for their religion would have taken Mrs. Miller seriously. She probably would have plugged the movie.

On second thought, no. That's insulting the memory of a great lady.


Technorati serves a useful purpose! It found me this story of another ham-handed attempt by Dubya's administration at CONTROL. Of all the ways to go about trying to make TV less offensive, this is the WORST, because you're picking on people with a disability -- in this case a large constituency that can speak deafeningly though it's DEAF.


For once I have a GOOD THING to say about LEGENDARY WELCH: It seems the former boss of NEUTRON JACK'S GHOST has STAYED UP NIGHTS worrying about "THE LACK OF DIVERSITY IN NEWS." The LEGEND shot back: "Steve, get a life."

JOHN A. BYRNE DID.


Gory action movies are okay -- so long as they're OUR KIND of gory action movies -- thus saith MR. FOCUS ON THE FAMILY.

I'm beginning to wonder if P. R. MEL'S masterpiece is a Hollywood plot to destroy the Christian movement.


Mugabe, 80, tells of murder bid

I can believe someone would try to murder him. On the other hand, I can believe he would try to murder somebody -- by the ones or twos, or the thousands.

And that "80" isn't cause for hope either. Look at the Ayatollah Khomeini, or Fidel Castro.


Media civil war over decency

I'm all for civil war -- so long as both sides lose.


I've a hunch telemarketers may be trying to get around the FTC's Do Not Call list by annoying people at work, where they wouldn't think to block sales pitches. Yesterday for the second time in a week someone pestered me on the job to buy something, and after eight increasingly firm "I'm not interested"s would not stop the palaver I hung up. It's one thing on a job like mine where such nuisances merely season a not-very-busy day, but in other places the pleadings may interfere with business, and in the worst cases, keep emergency calls from getting through.

Oh, and the outfit that was trying to sell to me? The Philadelphia Inquirer. I would not want to guess how many bawdy satirical pieces Knight Ridder dishrags have run about the depredations of telemarketers. Nonetheless, as the employers of NEWS HACKS demonstrate yet again, they're not afraid to be hypocrites.

Friday, February 20, 2004


I wish IE6 would support flashing type -- as in
CONSERVATIVES
Poised to Win Disputed Iran Election


You know what I mean?


Audit: Atlanta Hedged Crimes in '96 Bid

HEY WE GOT THE GAMES, DIDN'T WE?????


How typical: Kinsley.com thinks it's damning hip-hop by calling it CORNY.

Hey that blase irony gag of yours is getting to be a little long in the tooth also.


WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! Dey TWICKED HIM into de INTEVWIEW!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

P. R. MEL WANTS IT BOTH WAYS. AND HE'LL GET IT FROM NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The difference between the faked masterpiece and the fake masterpiece is that the faked masterpiece is relatively without guile.

They do have one common attribute: an ability to part fools from their money.

Thursday, February 19, 2004


This is FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News, and this is a conservative activist, but when the fingers in the wind on a lower level want to reopen HISTORIC DECISIONS, something's afoot.

I don't want abortions, but I don't want judges making our law, in abortions, gay marriage or anything else. Let the people decide -- and given the wealth of scientific argument for life, they will vote against abortions of convenience.


It is painfully obvious now that P. R. MEL'S MASTERWORK is nothing more than Lucas Spielberg's Private Ryan-brand castor oil aimed at righties. Let's see how audiences that normally don't go to the movies react.


Even in TRIB SYNERGY CITY, where every exec is licking his chops over the airing of SLUTSVILLE despite it being unsalable without the jackhammering of corporate-partner TWXSTERS and further being heavily censored and going full bore into the teeth of a fierce regulatory gale, even THEN, a TRIB HACK admits, well, maybe it wasn't the greatest thing since the sun and the stars:

For every successful one of the scores of "Seinfeld"-esque attempts to coin phrases ("manthrax," for a toxic guy; "modelizer," for a serial dater of models), there were, seemingly, hundreds of really bad puns, back-of-Reader's-Digest material presented as clever (Carrie to Big: "If you're tired, you take a nap-a, you don't move to Napa").

For all the saving grace of Parker, who can go from pratfall to emotional devastation in a New York minute, and for all the less sparkly, more subtle talents of Nixon and Davis, there was Cattrall's Samantha. The problem was the actress' inability to truly inhabit her character, a disservice to the idea of a sexually aggressive woman; against three relatively realistic counterparts, Cattrall, with her fakey-fake voice and slapstick bedroom contortions, forever seemed to be playing a caricature rather than a person.

And every time the series seemed to welcome you by approaching some universal truth about dating (Carrie discovering she has become so jaded about love that when then-new guy Aidan won't sleep with her right away, it never enters her mind that he's being romantic), it pushed you away with its insularity, shocking even by the usual standards of New York celebrants.

This is not only a show that kept insisting - desperately, really - on the greatness of New York, it's a show that, in the trademark Woody Allen manner, stripped the city of that greatness by taking away minorities, the outer boroughs, people who consider tossing a few hundred dollars at a pair of designer shoes stupid or, worse, unaffordable. Instead we got Carrie, at the end of Season Four, season four, happily telling viewers about transvestite hookers: "Don't worry, they have a very lovely, happy life."

Of course they do. Hooking is like that.


AND SO IS NEWSPAPERING.


This classic PRNewswire release should prove that, for all the COMMIE ORGANIZING on America's campuses, there's a lot of upscale, high-toned Babbittry too -- and one can rest assured that most of the authors of studies on inventory management and the like are probably NOT raging liberals.

P. S. These professors took money from a big company to do their study, so they're DEFINITELY NOT raging liberals.

"The global leader in distribution facilities and services," ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry DAVID HOROWITZ!!!!!!!!!!!!, not EVERYTHING in ACADEME is ANGELA DAVIS.


Several days ago the TRIB revealed that it views its readers as turnips to be squeezed for whatever SYNERGISTIC GAIN comes down the pike. Today its OMBUDSPOOP reveals he views its readers as bigots to be DESPISED -- and if not bigots, certainly INFERIORS to the WISE and NOBLE HACKS of NEWSDOM. (That "tolerance" should be the end-all and be-all of NEWS HACKS is a dead giveaway of the OMBUDSPOOP'S true feelings.) To be sure, media can survive without an audience; witness how long TV has. But it can't go on forever, and while the HACKS may keep their jobs for a while, they may not be PERMANENT.


GOD gives up HIS throne to find ANOTHER ONE.

Look out behind you, God; I see others coming, and some make MOVIES.


What matters to me is not that fifty years ago Ike "met" space aliens, what matters is that fifty years ago the AP reported Ike died of a heart attack, and it's been proudly inaccurate ever since.


PROF performs another INVALUABLE public service: he discovers that NEWSMAX runs -- MISLEADING HEADLINES.

Where would we be without you, PROF?


The cretinous coach of Colorado's cretinous football team has been placed of administrative leave not because he runs an anything-goes program, not because he looks the other way at possibly criminal conduct, not because he believes winning is first and ethics are last, but BECAUSE HE CRITICIZED A FEMALE PLAYER. Can you see that university's Faculty Senate? It could go on the march for Commun -- for THE COACH'S HEAD!

As I've said before, the idiots of higher learning can't see the forest of corruption for the trees of "insensitive" remarks.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004


Unlike Bob LaFollette or John McCain, Howard Dean....

No, NO, I must restrain myself. I'll let loose a PRIMAL SCREAM of my own if I don't control myself. No! It's impossible!

Unlike Bob LaFollette or John McCain, Howard Dean....

...went YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Although Johnny boy has come close on occasion. So did Bob LaFollette.


AstroTurf maker files for bankruptcy

Where will we seek the fresh, clean smell of new-mown AstroTurf?


Ooooh, SCIENTISTS! Let's all bow at the feet of SCIENCE! "INDEPENDENT" SCIENTISTS think BUSH is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL. INDEPENDENT LIBERAL SCIENTISTS who include the laureates of the awards whose recipients have included such distinguished humanitarians as Jimmy Carter and Henry Kissinger and YASSIR ARAFAT think our PRESIDENT is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL. LET US ALL BOW AT THE FEET OF SCIENCE! SIEG HEIL!

OR:

COMPARING PRESIDENT BUSH WITH HIS FATHER, GEORGE H.W. BUSH AND FORMER PRESIDENT RICHARD M. NIXON, THE STATEMENT WARNED THAT HAD THESE FORMER PRESIDENTS SIMILARLY DISMISSED SCIENCE IN FAVOR OF POLITICAL ENDS, OVER 200,000 DEATHS AND MILLIONS OF RESPIRATORY AND CARDIOVASCULAR DISEASE CASES WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PREVENTED WITH THE SIGNING OF THE ORIGINAL CLEAN AIR ACT AND THE 1990 AMENDMENTS TO THAT ACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

POLITICAL? Nah.


Great. The Orbiting Jalopy won't fly again until next year, if then.

I've said it before: junk the Jalopy and think up something else.


The Assassination of Howard Dean

...was self-inflicted.


Just what we need, Jeff Katzenberg on a reality show. Maybe he could start by hiring MICKEYMOUSE NIXON, pffh-hh-hh.


Sri Lanka, Malaysia -- sure the project to build AN ISLAMIC BOMB is kaput?

If we MUST have a World Court, THIS is what it MUST exist for.


Screw and be screwed

I must write for Playboy again bzumbzumbzumbzum....


The National Religious Broadcasters reintroduces the V-CHIP!

It didn't work before; it won't work NOW.


A $41 Billion Telephone Deal, but What's in It for Consumers?

I think we know the answer: higher rates (to pay for the deal), worse service (as the "infrastructure" gets neglected and customer service moves to Madagascar) -- and a lower price for those unlucky enough to own stock in it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004


There is no doubt now: movies are turning into TV programs -- and computer programs.


Chilean spy now says he made up story about CIA

Alas, it's too easy to make up stories about the CIA, but then the CIA counters by making up stories of its own.


NEWS HACKS grow ever more obstinate:

Few Americans see caskets come home

For one thing, that's because few Americans have died in the war, MORONS.


The states are getting $2.3 billion to "upgrade" their election technology.

With that kind of money we're talking electronic chads.


And here comes ANOTHER OSAMAMOBILE!

And it's made in Meh-HEE-co, figures. Home of the soccer fans who cheered our athletes.


The Osama Channel staff gets to daydream again.

"Fears are that September 11 could be repeated." You? FEAR?!?!?


RCN to seek bankruptcy protection to stay in cable business

Here's another big chunk of biz the ROBBER-BARON ROBERTSES can look forward to.


Eli Noam: Market failure in the media sector

Translation: You get what you pay for.

And HOWARD STERN is "most depressed" -- because his TWX shares could be worthless TOO. FAT CHANCE.

Monday, February 16, 2004


If one huge corporation controlled both the production and the dissemination of most of our news and entertainment, couldn't it rule the world?

BILL SAFIRE IS NOT A CONSERVATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How are the media covering their contraction? (I still construe the word "media" as plural in hopes that McCain will get off his duff and Bush will awaken.) Much of the coverage is "gee-whiz, which personality will be top dog, which investors will profit and which giant will go bust?"

Thank you AGAIN, KEN FELATTA.




No no NO Mick, you're SUPPOSED to DRAW MICKEYMOUSE NIXON.

This came from PRAVDA's site, figures.


"At some point, you'll have many voices -- and one ventriloquist."

And guess who the ventriloquist's DUMMIES are.


Among the noxious gases that wafted up between the fillers of the SUPER UNBORE (that is to say, the game), one particularly toxic one sailed under everybody's radar but Tom Shales's, and of course it came from JACK'S CONSPIRACY, and unfortunately for JACK! Tom writes for the Washington Post, so now JACK'S CONSPIRACY will have to spend more money producing umpteen TV commercials rather than saving the money by making movies that wouldn't require producing umpteen commercials.


Who wants to bet NEWS HACKS try to keep this story alive for days and days and days, even though this former mayor and crook has cancer?

There must be something behind it, there must ALWAYS be something behind it. Of course there was nothing behind Legacy and HIS pardons, because he was a liberal Democrat.


It's OUR kind of gory action movie!

Pat, go back to nuking Foggy Bottom.


Mickey D's gets in THE DELI BUSINESS!

I don't think America's delis have reason for concern.

Sunday, February 15, 2004


The affirmative-action bake sale won't go away. Now it's become the affirmative-action scholarship (whites only need apply).

To their credit, college conservatives have a sense of humor -- something that CANNOT be said of college liberals.


John Leo parrots DAVID HOROWITZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' line. Clearly there's a problem in the teaching of the arts and the soft sciences (or rather the non-science sciences), where scrambled eggheads blaze with sheer intolerance, and their pernicious influence is amplified by their natural alliance with news hacks and show-biz. But one could argue the problem is less political than simply an abandonment of standards; witness the growth quackery of pop-culture studies. And to reiterate, many college students don't major in these contentious areas, they're in the hard sciences and the business and accounting departments, which I suspect aren't so politically lopsided. The fact that Republicans are in the majority must mean the influence of the scrambled lefty eggheads, however gross, is not infinite.


The GLIBERAL tries the ironic-satiric approach. Glibby, I'd rather have you planted in front of that mirror, your head three times normal size and your face beet red, your brain teeming with lightning and thunder over the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL of Dubya. Jonathan Swift you ain't.


The GEEKS just got their OscarsĀ®. Without the GEEKS there'd be no movies, as there'd be no character or plot or acting or writing.


Kerry - Good Night, Concord! We Love You!

We love you too guys! Next stop -- 1600!!!!!


You can judge a government by how well it fixes potholes, and most governments don't fix them well.




You wonder if they thought of it last year.


Oh, and UK singles sales were down by a third last year. GOOD.


Proof that today's "music" may not outlive its creators:

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club have been forced to cancel the remaining dates of their UK & Ireland tour after guitarist Peter Hayes broke his thumb.

P. S. He was drunk when breaking it.


IN YOUR FACE!

TRANSLATION: This is just an action movie with Bible verses.

Ya think all those Bible Belt yahoos -- I mean, moviegoers will appreciate this?

There's something churning in P. R. MEL, and it's not pleasant.


Here is why NEWS HACKS will retain a glowing nostalgia for Slick's White House until the sun burns to a black hole: he let their first cousins of SHOW-BIZ into every cranny, and since the only difference between, say, an anchorpoop and an actor is that the anchorpoop's script comes hot off the AP, he was de facto letting them in too. Bush tried evicting them to a defeaning chorus of boos, but once they esconce DIPPITY-DO they'll be back with a vengeance, bringing their cruddy old baggage too, just like the Beverly Hillbillies, and they'll never leave.

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