THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
![[Powered by Blogger]](http://buttons.blogger.com/bloggerbutton1.gif){kind=small}
Saturday, May 03, 2003
AOL Time Warner rag is reporting that League of Nations "diplomats" went on a food- and silverware-looting spree at HQ after its cafeteria workers got in a labor dispute with Aramark International. These people think they can run Iraq? Yes they can -- into the ground.
Wanna bet Aramark doesn't sue -- because news hacks would make it the villain?
Wanna bet Aramark doesn't sue -- because news hacks would make it the villain?
And thank you once again, GoogleBlogger, this time for deleting my post when I tried to post it -- so I had to write it twice!
I just came out of a dry cleaner's where a -- well, a counter person was listening to the radio, a very LOUD radio, tuned to a Viacon or Cheap Channel station (that's all we have; that's all anyone has) and it was in a twenty-minute commercial break, all exceedingly irritating commercials, each more irritating than the last, including a typically psycho announcer for a dealer of an imported brand that either I never heard of or that breaks down often and an allegedly humorous spot by some sort of phone company whose fifty-million dollar spokespoop Madame DeFarge is using her lawyers again because somebody took pictures of her topless, pregnant, and smoking a cigarette -- ANYWAY, it was a "humorous" commercial, and as the "legendary" Dick and Bert never stopped proving, "humorous" ads are the worst. But to the point: Listening to that torrent of LOUD commericials reminded me why I haven't turned on the radio in years, and WHY, Lowsy and Zon, I will never listen to the radio again so long as you have anything to do with it.
Go stick that one up your Arbitrons.
Go stick that one up your Arbitrons.
No doubt Republicans want to help the rich, but because it's Howell editorializing (sorry for repeating myself about The Times) you automatically can't believe it. This is the QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! factor at work, and this isn't even a story about Iraq.
Only in The New York Times could a cost-cutting fanny-patting show-biz mediocrity be given a puff piece -- and addressed as SIR HOWARD.
I've got a better idea, Howell -- next time, call him LORD STRINGER.
I've got a better idea, Howell -- next time, call him LORD STRINGER.
The idiot brigade of blind juvenile moviegoers, prompted in part by the urgent pleas of the movie-ad-blurb copywriters that they help set a new box-office record, has come to see RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'S DUMB OVERPRODUCED ACTION FLICK FOR TEENS, PART ONE in droves, as expected.
But the previous favorite -- you know, that other heavily-oversold movie for blind teens -- didn't even make the top ten.
But the previous favorite -- you know, that other heavily-oversold movie for blind teens -- didn't even make the top ten.
A poll conducted last month by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press found that 7 out of 10 respondents could not name a single candidate for their party's presidential nomination.
And the Dems will help that situation by having a "debate" that will run at 12:05 a.m. in Frisco -- and probably not at all in most other cities.
Such an inspirational party.
And the Dems will help that situation by having a "debate" that will run at 12:05 a.m. in Frisco -- and probably not at all in most other cities.
Such an inspirational party.
Looks as if the crimson-faced Crimson Tide will be getting a new coach.
Astounding. If I had his job title, and his salary, the LAST place I'd go traipsing about is in a topless bar -- even if I weren't married.
Astounding. If I had his job title, and his salary, the LAST place I'd go traipsing about is in a topless bar -- even if I weren't married.
A monstrous injustice done to a hero of the L. A. rebellion (in news-hack newspeak), OR: a thug who beat up a truck driver on national TV for MAXINE's delectation gets the hoosegow for murder.
I WAS FOR THE WAR! HONEST! Hey, you couldn't get more gung-ho gangbusters than me. Why, just weeks before the war started, I was in the Oval Office, and I was telling Dubya -- er, the president, "Mr. President, don't believe all that malarkey I'm feeding the press about how you've failed America, how we'll go down to a ruinous defeat, how we'll never recover from this tragic farce. That's red meat for the core constituents, and you know what loony lef -- how passionate they are." No, I said, you go out there, Mr. President, and WHOOP SADDAM'S...er, our president did GREAT!
IIIIIIIIIIIIII WAS BORN A GAMBLIN' MAN....
"I'm not hurting anybody," says Bill "Morals" Bennett. Oh no, not hurting anybody Bill. Just providing profits to "gaming" companies so they can promote more gambling and bankruptcies and divorces and suicides and...how MORAL of you, BILL.
Caveat: The news was apparently shared by the Rev. Charles Peters's Holier than Thou rag and Washington Post ARROGANT BLUNDER magazine, so it does have a political smell (PEEEEEEEEEE-UUUUUUU!), and NewsMax is having the usual partisan tantrum over it. Still, you'd think Bill would have recognized the value of -- thrift.
"I'm not hurting anybody," says Bill "Morals" Bennett. Oh no, not hurting anybody Bill. Just providing profits to "gaming" companies so they can promote more gambling and bankruptcies and divorces and suicides and...how MORAL of you, BILL.
Caveat: The news was apparently shared by the Rev. Charles Peters's Holier than Thou rag and Washington Post ARROGANT BLUNDER magazine, so it does have a political smell (PEEEEEEEEEE-UUUUUUU!), and NewsMax is having the usual partisan tantrum over it. Still, you'd think Bill would have recognized the value of -- thrift.
This is newshackery at its worst. The same LALA Times that told us yesterday McCain-Feingold had essentially been voided is now saying the judges upheld the good parts (smirk smirk). You news hacks can scream "well it was long and complicated and densely worded and blahblahblah," but we expect you idiots to get it right THE FIRST TIME, NOT THE DAY AFTER.
When HHWWalter Crrrronkite (or Ben Bradlee, or Philip Graham) eructated that sewer-gas-smelly blather about "the first rough draft of history," he provided the perfect excuse.
When HHWWalter Crrrronkite (or Ben Bradlee, or Philip Graham) eructated that sewer-gas-smelly blather about "the first rough draft of history," he provided the perfect excuse.
By contrast, I don't know what went through Compuware's mind when it decided to relocate to the urban museum called Detroit, and yes, this involved government bribes also, but it takes guts to move from Mallopia to a downtown location, and I hope this succeeds in spades. Now if only some of the corporate villains who destroyed urban America with their racist relocations out of cities (many motivated by a desire to be closer to their golf games) would do likewise we might actually be able to rebuild it.
WELCHING, PART DEUX: One of my favorite corporate misbehaviors is when businessfolk skip town or move jobs to Japip after getting millions in grants and tax breaks. Some Illinois solons suggest repayment of some of that largesse if a business goes Welch, but I wouldn't count on it: the Chicken Littles believe it "wouldn't draw business." Who needs that kind of business anyway?
U. S. writes resolution to limit U. N. on Iraq
I can't WAIT to see the League of Nations blow up on this one.
I can't WAIT to see the League of Nations blow up on this one.
Friday, May 02, 2003
Gold stars all around: a drug dealer used a record label part-owned by the FRENCH water company and media tower of babble Vivendi Universal to launder his ill-gotten gains.
JACQUEASS should award the guy the Legion of Honor.
JACQUEASS should award the guy the Legion of Honor.
And here's another reason sleepless nights on the left are impossible. These folks were brain dead from birth.
As more information comes out about the money trail from Baghdad, many people in the West will face many a sleepless night.
I wish you were right, Washington Times. But so long as the international fog machine (aka the news media) operates at full bore their nights should be restful indeed.
I wish you were right, Washington Times. But so long as the international fog machine (aka the news media) operates at full bore their nights should be restful indeed.
Not only did the stupid, irrelevant newsweeklies all run identical covers on SARS, AOL Time Warner magazine was politically correct about it. "It was a very conscious decision on our part to pick a blond-haired, blue-eyed woman who looked like she got off the beach at Laguna," yelled the magazine's managing idiot -- er, editor. (Perhaps he means Cancun.) He claims, though, to be embarrassed by the Boss's infamous PR stunt of many years ago. Sure. Like he's embarrassed by PR.
Imbeciles.
Imbeciles.
WELL LOOKY HERE! A court has struck down "most" of McCain-Feingold -- the law to "clean up" big-money politics.
This was thoroughly predictable. Sen. Mitch "Barney Google" McConnell said the law would be declared unconstitutional. Face it, big campaign money, like water and electricity, follows the path of least resistance, and McCain-Feingold was at best another irrelevant obstruction in its path that in time would have come crashing down with the onrush. So long as politics=TV it will always be money-driven -- and rotten to the core. You can't put a pink tutu on an 800-pound gorilla.
This was thoroughly predictable. Sen. Mitch "Barney Google" McConnell said the law would be declared unconstitutional. Face it, big campaign money, like water and electricity, follows the path of least resistance, and McCain-Feingold was at best another irrelevant obstruction in its path that in time would have come crashing down with the onrush. So long as politics=TV it will always be money-driven -- and rotten to the core. You can't put a pink tutu on an 800-pound gorilla.
"Subscriber growth [in cable TV] isn't coming so they keep raising prices to boost cash flow," says McAlpine & Assoc. cable analyst Dennis McAlpine. "But at some point you run out of the ability to do that. The cable guys tend to get pretty cocky. Anyone who raises rates like that is asking for it."
He should know: After Cablevision's most recent rate hike, McAlpine switched to satellite.
Now I know why those jerks on Wall Street had to pay the big bucks.
He should know: After Cablevision's most recent rate hike, McAlpine switched to satellite.
Now I know why those jerks on Wall Street had to pay the big bucks.
In fairness to Dubya, though his Triumphal March may have been a little too tacky-Hollywood, I see nothing wrong with this -- the same unforced camaraderie with real people he showed after 9/11. This is his best side.
Yes. a tax cut on dividends would help the rich, but why should dividends be taxable twice? Some not-so-rich folks own stocks too.
Uncle Bernie and Co. helped their friends, but maybe not as much as they might have.
With the Chinese "recently" may be years ago. If a Chernobyl happened the word wouldn't emerge for weeks. Look at SARS. But then, what's good for the Chinese is good for Wal-Mart.
With the Chinese "recently" may be years ago. If a Chernobyl happened the word wouldn't emerge for weeks. Look at SARS. But then, what's good for the Chinese is good for Wal-Mart.
“It’s been such a long time since we last saw each other, and I would really like to see you again. As you once said to me: Once you have tasted the waters of the Tigris, you can never forget Baghdad!!!”
What is the difference between a love letter and a love letter to Saddam Hussein -- delivered by a DYKE at the Beeb?
What is the difference between a love letter and a love letter to Saddam Hussein -- delivered by a DYKE at the Beeb?
Members of the Senior Outhouse want the CIA and the Pentagon to spy on us, and they nearly passed their legislative miracle providing for it in secret.
Let's see: The CIA believed the BBC on "the street...."
Note the split in the parties. The Dems said no because, well, they'd have said no after Pearl Harbor. The Republicans -- there is something about being the majority party that goes to your head.
Let's see: The CIA believed the BBC on "the street...."
Note the split in the parties. The Dems said no because, well, they'd have said no after Pearl Harbor. The Republicans -- there is something about being the majority party that goes to your head.
I did not watch The Emperor's Triumphal March last night -- too late for my bedtime -- but apparently his hacks staged it like a campaign speech, and it got panned by the Professor and Andy S.
This age wouldn't know dignity if it stumbled on it.
This age wouldn't know dignity if it stumbled on it.
Little Jeffrey's Network appoints -- a successor to Bob "Head in the Clouds, Brain in the Mud" Wright:
Don't some people LOOK like TV executives? The dumb smart-alec look.
Don't some people LOOK like TV executives? The dumb smart-alec look.
PLAGIARISM claims a victim at the Times.
So! The Universe's Paper of Record admits it's -- WRONG. That's a first.
So! The Universe's Paper of Record admits it's -- WRONG. That's a first.
The ideal hard-core-conservative headline:
Shell First-Quarter Profit More Than Doubles as War in Iraq Boosts Prices
Shell First-Quarter Profit More Than Doubles as War in Iraq Boosts Prices
Thursday, May 01, 2003
With all the red faces in Alabama (another professional college sports scandal, natch) there's a new meaning to Crimson Tide.
Between paying umpteen zillion for the NFL and the NBA and umpteen million for preening loudmouths like Dickie V, no wonder ESPN's so expensive for cable operators. But this golden goose may be laying Diz an egg -- and the cable industry too; "the total number of U.S. cable subscribers declined for the first time ever." Some of that's the economy, some of that's DIRECTV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, but some of it is King Richard and his rapacious gang of information-superhighway robbers, and some of it's 500 channels and nothing to watch.
AOL (gulp) admits it will pay $1 billion to settle shareholder lawsuits.
What about your millions of disgruntled customers, KING RICHARD?
What about your millions of disgruntled customers, KING RICHARD?
A job swap? They're both overpaid entertainers.
I'll bet Jay does a good job with interviews. Katie's already a sit-down comic. Heck, she's already put on a show backstage.
I'll bet Jay does a good job with interviews. Katie's already a sit-down comic. Heck, she's already put on a show backstage.
These kids are smart! Their gripe with the establishment newspapers is "usually [what I want] is not there."
And usually what you don't want IS.
And usually what you don't want IS.
WHAT IS WITH THESE NAMES? Moon (I could think of a few variants) is succeeding Curley (nyuk! nyuk! nyuk!) at USA Okay.
Sorry, Seth, I feel no pity for Visa getting caught in a "sinister" (oh those libertarians), possibly government-led crackdown on pornography. Porn has organized-crime elements, its principal audience is minors, it spreads disease and sexual abuse, and it clogs our computers with spam. Idiot companies like GM and Marriott could look the other way at this sleazy business so long as they could get away with it, but now, as if so often said on the Web, "the adults are in charge."
That Tony Blair, who finally grew up after 9/11, has nonetheless maintained his adolescent tastes in music is no surprise. I'm sure Dubya has similarly rudimentary tastes. But then our ruling class isn't expected to be intelligent or cultured, and for the most part it doesn't disappoint us. Look at Saddam's paintings.
CURLEY's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) boys mount a posthumous J'ACCUSE for Tim McVeigh.
Isn't it a litle late in the game, guys? And a little wrong?
(And NO, I'm not giving up my Curley joke. You take a man who ran that pile of unredeemable hackwork USA Okay, then put him in such a responsible job, you'd better be sure what his name is.)
Isn't it a litle late in the game, guys? And a little wrong?
(And NO, I'm not giving up my Curley joke. You take a man who ran that pile of unredeemable hackwork USA Okay, then put him in such a responsible job, you'd better be sure what his name is.)
I will not comment on the front page headline -- FAIRY GODFATHER -- or the headline of the jump -- "MOBSTER SLEEPS WITH THE SWISHES" -- except to say Howell will be at it for WEEKS.
Hey Andy! If Sen. Dennis Day is a HOMOPHOBE!!!, what about RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Or is he exempt because he's one of your BOSSES?
Hey Andy! If Sen. Dennis Day is a HOMOPHOBE!!!, what about RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Or is he exempt because he's one of your BOSSES?
The decks have been cleared -- literally -- for a presidential media extravaganza that could make the most seasoned publicist blush with pride.
Or, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amazing how these seasoned pros can make their enemies sound like scheming cynics. As if they aren't.
Or, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amazing how these seasoned pros can make their enemies sound like scheming cynics. As if they aren't.
Washington Post ARROGANT BLUNDER Magazine's Web site says a "Kissinger-Baker" State Department "realist" (yecch) will boss Gen. Garner in Iraq.
C'mon, Dubya, let's not subject that nation to Beltway turf battles -- or Foggy Bottom appeasers.
C'mon, Dubya, let's not subject that nation to Beltway turf battles -- or Foggy Bottom appeasers.
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
I find small talk difficult. Does that make me a genius with Asperger's?
Buried in a Michael Ledeen commentary on NRO is this juicy little morsel about the koo-koomeinis next door to Iraq (and I found it only after surfing littlegreenfootballs.com):
(Revolutionary Guards officers were recently informed that a nuclear test is in the works later this summer)
The liberation of Iran is next!
(Revolutionary Guards officers were recently informed that a nuclear test is in the works later this summer)
The liberation of Iran is next!
With the way the kids run the professional college basketball teams it's a wonder more head coaches don't turn to drink.
I don't think this is Glory City, Dickie V!
I don't think this is Glory City, Dickie V!
Now Saddam -- whatever's left of him -- is turning to pen-palling, just like his comrade-in-arms Osama.
Anything for a job.
Anything for a job.
Loudmouth, who tried unsuccessfully to turn himself in to U. S. forces in Iraq, is being offered a job on a satellite-TV station in Dubai!
You're on your way to stand-up-comedy stardom!
You're on your way to stand-up-comedy stardom!
The knives are being sharpened: Former Warners and now Yahoo! exec Terry Semel's being rumored as a replacement for Mickey Mouse Michael.
Somebody! ANYBODY!!
Earth-to-Corporate-Board-Members Alert: This company puts out cinematic trash -- and the board's worried it runs reality TV? The next time you reflect on the stock price maybe you'd better head to the nearest mirror.
Somebody! ANYBODY!!
Earth-to-Corporate-Board-Members Alert: This company puts out cinematic trash -- and the board's worried it runs reality TV? The next time you reflect on the stock price maybe you'd better head to the nearest mirror.
Sumner Lays an Egg? Some high-profile rags have turned down the chance to run excerpts from Sen. Rodham's excus -- memoirs. If they don't want to print them, why should we want to read them?
If this means getting five thousand Devins to write a hundred thousand plugs, NEWSPAPERS DON'T NEED MORE "BUZZ."
An amazing story: hundreds of worms sent up on Columbia have been found -- alive.
To be precise, their great or great-great-grandchildren. Amazing.
To be precise, their great or great-great-grandchildren. Amazing.
Rep. Curt Weldon has a point. And the point is ultimately this: yes, the Russians were @#$%^& on Iraq -- and they also have the world's second largest arsenal of nukes. A good reason to keep a calm head.
More holy cockroaches -- trapped! In Pakistan.
Including the possible mastermind of the USS Cole bombing.
Including the possible mastermind of the USS Cole bombing.
Libya has "accepted responsibility" for the Lockerbie bombing. Whether this is true contrition or mere Yasserspeak remains to be seen.
It's not a hopeful sign when Libya issues a statement via Reuters.
It's not a hopeful sign when Libya issues a statement via Reuters.
Try to design a TV executive from scratch and the prototype would resemble Grant Tinker.
Wrongo, Brian. Try to design a TV executive from scratch and the prototype would resemble Alfred E. Neuman. If you could get it to work right.
Wrongo, Brian. Try to design a TV executive from scratch and the prototype would resemble Alfred E. Neuman. If you could get it to work right.
Bill the Entomologist, fresh from daydreaming of Universal Music domination, wants to take over our newspapers.
Go for it, Bill! If anyone can get fewer people to read papers, YOU can.
Go for it, Bill! If anyone can get fewer people to read papers, YOU can.
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Here's an oddball (and expected) juxtaposition on USA Okay's Web site: a story from Curley (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) headlined that Sen. Dennis Day's "leadership job" is "not in peril" (with that sly manner of today's Goebbelses in implying that his job is in peril), followed by another headline (to another story from Curley) that John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry's "regime change" remarks are "just a quip."
In the magical, mystical world of news hacks even the most innocent of things becomes grounds for suspicion. And news hacks are the last people I'd call innocent.
In the magical, mystical world of news hacks even the most innocent of things becomes grounds for suspicion. And news hacks are the last people I'd call innocent.
Says one of the "stars" of The Real Cancun in a vicious two-page "ADVERTISEMENT"-sluggable suck-up by some overly ambitious apparatchik named Stein, the Devin of AOL Time Warner Magazine: "I'd rather be known for this instead of being smart or something....There's a million people who are smart. There's only 16 of us who were in Cancun together."
Which may be nine more than went to see the movie.
KING RICHARD!! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US TO DROP AMERICA ONLINE SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT?!?!?
Which may be nine more than went to see the movie.
KING RICHARD!! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US TO DROP AMERICA ONLINE SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT?!?!?
Warren Buffett Media Company may take over Dow, Jones!
What happened to that company is a story of unimaginable catastrophe, and though I hold the Journals in low regard for their Certs (or unlobotomized schizophrenic) view of the news, the company's still a big force, and should be, testimony to the grand human spirit of perseverance. But the company thought the way to redo its biz was to give the Journals a facelift, and that didn't work because they didn't need it, it was their Skull-and-Bones-exclusive Web site. I don't know how to fix the Journals other than to have them give up Certs, but do that and Al Hunt or Paul Gigot throws a tantrum to end all tantrums (though the news hacks will only hear that overexposed punditface Hunt out, natch), and there's blood on the floor an inch thick. The next best step is to fix the Internet approach: stop charging for the news, and instead start a premium-priced real-time subscription service based solely on statistics that would be to the Web what the Bloomberg Box is to stock brokerages, with an emphasis on broadband customers. That would bring ad revenues into the Journals in droves, plus you could make bigger bucks dispensing financial stats. Without boldness I see more floundering, as Dow, Jones has done for years.
What happened to that company is a story of unimaginable catastrophe, and though I hold the Journals in low regard for their Certs (or unlobotomized schizophrenic) view of the news, the company's still a big force, and should be, testimony to the grand human spirit of perseverance. But the company thought the way to redo its biz was to give the Journals a facelift, and that didn't work because they didn't need it, it was their Skull-and-Bones-exclusive Web site. I don't know how to fix the Journals other than to have them give up Certs, but do that and Al Hunt or Paul Gigot throws a tantrum to end all tantrums (though the news hacks will only hear that overexposed punditface Hunt out, natch), and there's blood on the floor an inch thick. The next best step is to fix the Internet approach: stop charging for the news, and instead start a premium-priced real-time subscription service based solely on statistics that would be to the Web what the Bloomberg Box is to stock brokerages, with an emphasis on broadband customers. That would bring ad revenues into the Journals in droves, plus you could make bigger bucks dispensing financial stats. Without boldness I see more floundering, as Dow, Jones has done for years.
Speaking of megalomania, Eric Alterman goes on and on and on about Slick Willie's loose samurai sword, the despicable Sidney Blumenthal, and I would not take note but for the good line he gets off about Walter Winchell: "That famous Internet typist."
There seem to be quite of few of them, though, last I noticed.
There seem to be quite of few of them, though, last I noticed.
MEGALOMANIA'S BACK AT THE OLYMPICS!
I can't wait for our national show of ATTITUDE.
I don't think this is about glory EITHER, Dickie V!
I can't wait for our national show of ATTITUDE.
I don't think this is about glory EITHER, Dickie V!
"It has been a brutal couple of years economically for newspapers."
Well let's see, Bill, first you give us mountains of junk news in a sleepwalk before the biggest single news story since we atom-bombed Japan hits you and us on the head with a two-by-four, then you give us QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, then you try giving us more junk news, then you give us more QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meantime the Web is eating your lunch and -- You expect us to pay for YOUR news, Billy?
Well let's see, Bill, first you give us mountains of junk news in a sleepwalk before the biggest single news story since we atom-bombed Japan hits you and us on the head with a two-by-four, then you give us QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, then you try giving us more junk news, then you give us more QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meantime the Web is eating your lunch and -- You expect us to pay for YOUR news, Billy?
That's a good line, Jerry! Calling the Dixie Chicks "French hens"! Why did it have to be you, Jerry?
Iraqi lawyer who helped rescue Jessica Lynch granted asylum
Good for him! And good for our government to recognize this brave gentleman's actions.
Good for him! And good for our government to recognize this brave gentleman's actions.
For the first time since The Willie, a suspicious-sounding business transaction involving China gets a second look by our government.
Imagine The Cleaning Lady and Uncle Bernie all over this one!
Imagine The Cleaning Lady and Uncle Bernie all over this one!
"It's difficult to hear this story without smirking."
One suspects in the Guardian's case the smirking owes less to the lead singer showing up drunk and rolling on the floor (and the fans suing for damages) than to the band's (get ready) "ANTI-ABORTION LYRICS." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Take out that business and it's difficult to hear this story without smirking.
One suspects in the Guardian's case the smirking owes less to the lead singer showing up drunk and rolling on the floor (and the fans suing for damages) than to the band's (get ready) "ANTI-ABORTION LYRICS." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Take out that business and it's difficult to hear this story without smirking.
Let us hope the Arab nations can be shamed, but I wonder; their peoples have backed Hitler for going on seventy years.
Oooooooooooh, one of Curley's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) hacks is suggesting TINY TOM may not win reelection -- because of his courageous stand on the war?!? Shocking.
General JR. is starting to show his true colors again, as we always expected he would: mostly GREEN.
Big Al's campaign is doomed. Rep. Harold Ford of Tennessee is backing -- John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry.
Give him a broadside, Al! Honky! JEW-LOVER!!
Give him a broadside, Al! Honky! JEW-LOVER!!
With our move to CATARRH we effectively end our military presence in Saudi Arabia.
Goodbye and good riddance. Just hope the yayas don't get the weapons we've given them when they overturn the ruling poohbahs.
Goodbye and good riddance. Just hope the yayas don't get the weapons we've given them when they overturn the ruling poohbahs.
Monday, April 28, 2003
"We're not going to pay for [the] elimination of nuclear weapons programs that never should have been there in the first place."
How refreshingly different from The Willie.
How refreshingly different from The Willie.
This is what the Legendary Welch crowd, the great mass of corporate Babbitts, calls "progress": Turn every last acre of farmland into Mallopia, and then plunk people down in cars on highways for hours to get there. It is not progress to build in inner cities, or let people work and shop close to home, or to spend on mass transit (the hard-core conservative has a word for that: BOONDOGGLE), but it is progress to destroy our cities, ruin our meadows, waste our resources, and injure our psyches -- all in the damfool name of "progress."
(And how appropriate that Little Jeffrey, whose company screamed out of New York to escape NIG -- er, taxes, is among the Forbes slideshow's sponsors.)
(And how appropriate that Little Jeffrey, whose company screamed out of New York to escape NIG -- er, taxes, is among the Forbes slideshow's sponsors.)
We would all want to be nude all the time if God had made us all look like Botticelli's Venus, or Michelangelo's David, but sorry, I suspect He had a reason for aging -- and for not covering us with fur.
The publishing industry's version of bondage: When will someone tell these high-powered clowns that practically every big-ticket ghosted autobiography of the last twenty years (which is to say, every big-name autobiography) has bombed? Who wants to read someone skim over his life -- in someone else's words? (And with Sen. Rodham, that pronoun definitely applies.)
THE MAN, with help from King Richard, tried to fight Internet piracy. Well guess what happened HA HA HA HA HA!
We'll see. I get more spam on my Hotmail account than anywhere else, and I've noticed they spammers have been upping the volume on Yahoo! -- and these companies and AOL say they're fighting spam? WE'LL SEE.
The bad news: McDonald's profits were up, largely on currency valuations. The good news: same-store sales were down -- again.
I don't want to mock the many tens of thousands of dedicated Mickey D employees, but between your company and GM, you spend far more time with your damfool advertising than you do on the product, and so long as you do that you deserve lower sales.
I don't want to mock the many tens of thousands of dedicated Mickey D employees, but between your company and GM, you spend far more time with your damfool advertising than you do on the product, and so long as you do that you deserve lower sales.
Another dark day for hard-core conservatives: Not only will America's leading stockbrokers have to pay a $1.4 billion settlement for touting dubious stocks, the Feds have banned the superdupersalesmen -- er, analysts Jack Grubman and Henry Blodget from the biz.
I can hear the Jim "Dow 36,000" Glassmen now: WHO TOLD INVESTORS THEY HAD TO LISTEN TO THEM??? I say, WHO TOLD THESE SUPERDUPERSALESMEN TO ENGAGE IN CONFLICTS OF INTEREST THAT BORDERED ON THE CRIMINAL???
I can hear the Jim "Dow 36,000" Glassmen now: WHO TOLD INVESTORS THEY HAD TO LISTEN TO THEM??? I say, WHO TOLD THESE SUPERDUPERSALESMEN TO ENGAGE IN CONFLICTS OF INTEREST THAT BORDERED ON THE CRIMINAL???
THE GLIBERAL STRIKES AGAIN: Howell instructs him (or better still, The Gliberal instructs himself; he knows what Howell thinks, and he thinks it too) to call that @#$%^& museum looting a "catastrophe" that without a doubt (Frank's too much the shyster writer to say it out loud) thoroughly VOIDS our victory. Gliberal, you're not that original: this is just another case of -- QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I repeat, American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers: Does America need four full-time over-the-air commercial TV networks?
If our purpose is to finance bad TV and rub our corporate power in people's faces, or if you're Bill "The Mensa Man" Carter, the answer is obvious.
If our purpose is to finance bad TV and rub our corporate power in people's faces, or if you're Bill "The Mensa Man" Carter, the answer is obvious.
Oh, boy: We're moving air operations to CATARRH, the state-oil-company-run poobahdom, home of holy cockroaches and The Osama Channel.
What's the diff between CATARRH and Saudi Arabia? CATARRH's a lot smaller.
What's the diff between CATARRH and Saudi Arabia? CATARRH's a lot smaller.
Wait a second! Mr. You're-a-Jew-So-You-Don't-Exist says he's alive.
I like that fourth paragraph though. Always trying to revive QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The last I heard people were tearing down Saddam posters.
I like that fourth paragraph though. Always trying to revive QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The last I heard people were tearing down Saddam posters.
Siiiiiiigggggghhhhhh, the mouthpiece of the faux-Christians who've condemned untold children to death with their quack healing theories paints Corrie and Company as martyrs.
It appears the faux-Christians don't care if they put their paper out of business and hundreds of decent people out of jobs. THEY'D RATHER BE RIGHT.
It appears the faux-Christians don't care if they put their paper out of business and hundreds of decent people out of jobs. THEY'D RATHER BE RIGHT.
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Great. Two Peronists -- one the former president Carlos Menem, who sued the New York Times for libel after it implicated him in a coverup of the Jewish Community Center bombing -- will duel in a runoff in Argentina.
The only difference I see is, will it be 200-percent inflation, or 300 percent?
The only difference I see is, will it be 200-percent inflation, or 300 percent?
And then there are the Olympics, which aren't helped by the news that LEGENDARY Lewis did performance-enhancing dope. Figures.
Not too long ago, reading a headline like "Millwood has no-hitter through eight" on CBS Sportsline, I'd have rushed to the TV to watch (I was a Phillies fan). But after strikes, greed, municipal shakedowns, city councilmen shot in the rear, Albert "Attitude" Belle, Barry "Even MORE Attitude" Bonds, GEORGE, juiced baseballs, Zelig, Selig Signs®, the 2002 All-Star Game, ephedra, immortal announcers like Tim Mc-CAR-VER, FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!® BOXES®, and so on and so forth, I couldn't care less anymore.
P. S. He got his no-hitter. Whoopee.
P. S. He got his no-hitter. Whoopee.
A guy who wears a tiger tattoo on his butt may have made a few phone calls.
It's those phone calls that make the good guys look like bad guys.
It's those phone calls that make the good guys look like bad guys.
Washington Post ARROGANT BLUNDER Magazine is reporting that Saudi Arabia is actually detaining a diplomat who may have funneled money to al-Qaida, but that's not as important as putting one of America's most obnoxious new press agents on the career fast track.
I find it disturbing that no one I know has cracked open a book of poetry in decades and that I, who once spent countless hours reading contemporary poets like Lowell and Berryman, can no longer even name a living poet.
What? You're forgetting The Bard of Whole Grain Total!
What? You're forgetting The Bard of Whole Grain Total!
This might be a bear of a bear market: The Cleaning Lady may be nominated to the NYSE board.
I'd long any company in China.
I'd long any company in China.
Look over your shoulder, George Galloway: You may be prosecuted for treason.
You deserve it, if you did it.
You deserve it, if you did it.
GOD INTERVIEWS -- JESUS!!!!!
(I'm very sorry for being sacrilegious on a Sunday morning, but I don't which is worse: Bill Moyers as the Lord, or Barry Diller as the Second Coming. The Bible says beware of false prophets, but that's a little difficult to do when certain people are God.)
(I'm very sorry for being sacrilegious on a Sunday morning, but I don't which is worse: Bill Moyers as the Lord, or Barry Diller as the Second Coming. The Bible says beware of false prophets, but that's a little difficult to do when certain people are God.)
Good idea, General. Let's get the Iraqis together to decide their fate -- with our firm hand at the tiller.
In the golden age of pounding the table (QUALCOMM AT $10,000 A SHARE!!!!!!!!!!!), news hacks always spoke of cable companies in terms of market cap per subscriber, cash flow per subscriber, blahblahblahblah, and nothing about their notorious service. This no doubt confirmed in the minds of the Robertses, the Rigases, the Armstrongs, the Dolans, the Malones, etc., etc., etc., that cable TV's only business is producing numbers. WELL, Mayor Daley of Chicago signed an ordinance, and one of Concast's [sic] every four Windy City customers is getting a government-mandated rebate for poor service. Knowing news hacks, it won't be long before we're back to market cap per subscriber, cash flow per subscriber, etc., ETC.