THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
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Monday, February 28, 2005
Stephen King Gets into Pulp Fiction
I don't know whether this is dense or merely reflects his future.
I don't know whether this is dense or merely reflects his future.
Speaking of jokes, here's how you can tell the CLEM KADIDDLEHOPPERS of MOUNTAIN VIEW are SITTING ON THEIR PAPER FORTUNES: when you see the same post SEVEN OR EIGHT TIMES because the IDIOTS are ASLEEP at the SERVER and you press "PUBLISH POST" SEVEN OR EIGHT TIMES in ANGER.
I've come up with what I'm sure would be a great joke but I can't think of a punchline:
What's the difference between a weatherman and an economist?
Come to think of it, it may not need a punchline.
What's the difference between a weatherman and an economist?
Come to think of it, it may not need a punchline.
When that moronic flack Jack of DA NOOZ signalled that 1,500 HACKS felt the same way I should have KNOWN it was CW, and it was WRONG. I still say the OSCARS® are in long-term trouble, but unlike the late MISS AMERICA PAGEANT they have a solid core audience of MOVIE S&M PHREAKS and UNREGENERATE DEMOCRATS, not to mention fashion buffs who watch the show only to see the evening gowns; plus they have the vaguest semblance of an AURA even IF Cary Grant died years ago. Given HOLLYWOOD'S EXPONENTIALLY-INCREASING BRILLIANCE I doubt they'll ever do much better, and they could still do worse; but I will never again underestimate the deviousness of PUBLICISTS.
It appears one purpose of THE PAPER OF RE-CORD'S PUBLIC EDI-TOR is to TRY to CALM CONSERVATIVES.
WON'T WORK, LORD GOD PINCH, so long as YOU'RE GOD and THE PAPER OF RE-CORD IS YOUR WORD.
WON'T WORK, LORD GOD PINCH, so long as YOU'RE GOD and THE PAPER OF RE-CORD IS YOUR WORD.
Thanks, ArtsJournal.com:
Imagine, if you can, a movie about two unattractive, gross women slobs going on a week-long spree and ending up with Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck. Imagine that becoming a hit, nominated for five Academy Awards, acclaimed by critics.
Wait, don't even try. It ain't gonna happen.
"Sideways," the low-budget Oscar contender, is a guys' movie that celebrates a certain cultural fantasy: Set off on a drinking-carousing-debauching adventure for a week with your buddy, seduce two great-looking girls and then dump them and go home. What fun!
The reviews were fabulous, and then Charles Krauthammer wrote a whole column about it on the op-ed page, calling it "sublime . . . intelligent . . . clever, funny, moving." He concluded, "Trust me on this one. See it."
I did. I hated it. And it wasn't just me. Most of the women I know feel the same way.
We don't trust you, Chuck. We're not so sure we trust a woman writer on a story about the divide between the sexes, either. Come to think of it, we're not so sure we trust any NEWS HACK on the movies. It's all about SELLING.
Imagine, if you can, a movie about two unattractive, gross women slobs going on a week-long spree and ending up with Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck. Imagine that becoming a hit, nominated for five Academy Awards, acclaimed by critics.
Wait, don't even try. It ain't gonna happen.
"Sideways," the low-budget Oscar contender, is a guys' movie that celebrates a certain cultural fantasy: Set off on a drinking-carousing-debauching adventure for a week with your buddy, seduce two great-looking girls and then dump them and go home. What fun!
The reviews were fabulous, and then Charles Krauthammer wrote a whole column about it on the op-ed page, calling it "sublime . . . intelligent . . . clever, funny, moving." He concluded, "Trust me on this one. See it."
I did. I hated it. And it wasn't just me. Most of the women I know feel the same way.
We don't trust you, Chuck. We're not so sure we trust a woman writer on a story about the divide between the sexes, either. Come to think of it, we're not so sure we trust any NEWS HACK on the movies. It's all about SELLING.
Many Americans notice that liberalism nowadays lacks a vocabulary of right and wrong, declines to discuss virtue except in snickering terms, and seems increasingly hostile to prevailing moral sentiments.
John Leo! You just wrote THE GLIBERAL's biography!
John Leo! You just wrote THE GLIBERAL's biography!
SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS MARCH ON!
Prince gives the best song. Well, no "Singin' in the Rains" here. They gave the Oscar to the song from The Motorcycles Dairies.
MoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Prince gives the best song. Well, no "Singin' in the Rains" here. They gave the Oscar to the song from The Motorcycles Dairies.
MoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
It figures: the boys at VIACON Network News don't watch DANNO either.
Join the crowd.
CAVEAT: This is from an article by KEN FELATTA, so God knows what they REALLY said to him.
Join the crowd.
CAVEAT: This is from an article by KEN FELATTA, so God knows what they REALLY said to him.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Henry A. Grunwald, a Time magazine editor who led the publication’s shift from conservatism to a more centrist view...
Somewhere, Henry Luce is laughing.
Somewhere, Henry Luce is laughing.
One of Bristol's BRIGHT LIGHTS calls up the MOTHER SHIP and agrees -- JOHN CHANEY would be GOOD FOR THE RATINGS.
Please guy, don't tell us your PRINCIPAL EMPLOYER had NOTHING to do with THIS.
Then again, how do you explain Mike Lupica?
Please guy, don't tell us your PRINCIPAL EMPLOYER had NOTHING to do with THIS.
Then again, how do you explain Mike Lupica?
The other day the editor of an ALTERNARAG (peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeu!!!!!) suggested THE PAPER OF RE-CORD FIRE THE GLIBERAL. At no time has such an idea made more sense than seeing that nuisance peering from the PAPER's Web site (I'm CONVINCED GLIB demanded it in his CONTRACT), linking to an article with this choice tidbit:
No less a bellwether is the decision of Adelphia, a cable giant known for its refusal to traffic in erotica, to change its image radically now that its moralistic founder and former C.E.O., John Rigas, has been convicted of looting the company.
Time to reach for THE SKEPTIC:
It is this vast and militant ignorance, this wide-spread and fathomless prejudice against intelligence, that makes American journalism so pathetically feeble and vulgar, and so generally disreputable.
No less a bellwether is the decision of Adelphia, a cable giant known for its refusal to traffic in erotica, to change its image radically now that its moralistic founder and former C.E.O., John Rigas, has been convicted of looting the company.
Time to reach for THE SKEPTIC:
It is this vast and militant ignorance, this wide-spread and fathomless prejudice against intelligence, that makes American journalism so pathetically feeble and vulgar, and so generally disreputable.
Struggling all last night and this morning with an exceptionally bad case of indigestion -- I had either a stomach bug or some mild food poisoning -- I read Terry Teachout's bio of Mencken, not exactly the most soothing of works for an indisposed man (no slight at Mr. Teachout), and found this mot juste for bloggers, from Gustave Flaubert:
By dint of railing at idiots, one runs the risk of being idiotic himself.
I wonder if Menck wasn't the first blogger, screaming bloody murder and having little left of his reputation but a few unread scholarly works. In that he differs almost none from SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS except Menck didn't have a computer. (He did have a typewriter, an ancient version thereof.)
There was also this line, at book's end, from Pride and Prejudice:
I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good.
Every blogger should take that advice.
By dint of railing at idiots, one runs the risk of being idiotic himself.
I wonder if Menck wasn't the first blogger, screaming bloody murder and having little left of his reputation but a few unread scholarly works. In that he differs almost none from SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS except Menck didn't have a computer. (He did have a typewriter, an ancient version thereof.)
There was also this line, at book's end, from Pride and Prejudice:
I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good.
Every blogger should take that advice.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
A puff piece, but we'll forgive it as it's a sad puff piece: it's about an actual performing big band playing before audiences smaller than itself. Maybe there's a reason: it does the artsy-craftsy stuff ("Well, it's sort of like in between Buddy Rich and something really modern"). There could be an audience for big-band, but we're so far removed from that music's height it's inconceivable how, and there are the unions, and the lack of good venues -- and what's more, with jazz dead, those who persist at it are musical archeologists excavating the same old fossils; we must include, I fear, these guys. One should pat these guys on the back for soldiering on, but you wonder if some gaggle of jazzsters with a little imagination, and few comely songbirds up front, and no fear of PLAYING FOR THE AUDIENCE -- or for DANCING -- mightn't do better.
P. S. This is from NIGHTLINE. We can guess what LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNDOM's favorite music is: the BOSS -- and THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE.
P. S. This is from NIGHTLINE. We can guess what LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNDOM's favorite music is: the BOSS -- and THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE.
ALTRIA MOTIVE FOODS has stopped production of the ROAD KILL CANDY -- problem is, I suspect there'll be lots of stale "flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels, complete with tire treads" trading on EBAY for YEARS to come.
The JACKASSES have heard the news.
Hey MORONS! I wouldn't sit on that stale candy too long -- DICK GEPHARDT ISN'T SELLING.
The JACKASSES have heard the news.
Hey MORONS! I wouldn't sit on that stale candy too long -- DICK GEPHARDT ISN'T SELLING.
Well look who showed up at the Pope's bedside -- Mr. Law of Boston!
Are we sure that was such a good idea letting him in?
Are we sure that was such a good idea letting him in?
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH:
An Indian teenager from one of the country's most backward states appears to have fooled governments, the media and even the president into believing he had topped the world in a NASA science exam.
In a country hungry for international recognition, 17-year-old Saurabh Singh was feted as a national hero after announcing he had won NASA's International Scientist Discovery examination, which he said he took at Oxford University.
The Uttar Pradesh state government rewarded him with a 500,000 rupee ($11,500) prize and more than 100 members of the state's upper house each donated a day's salary to him....
[His] certificate, a copy of which was obtained by Reuters, declared "You are the member of NASA" (sic) and is signed by Singh and "Chief of NASA, Cin K. Kif" -- NASA's former administrator was Sean O'Keefe. It also lists the name of Singh's father, common practice in Indian documents.
Well, he does have a future in PHISHING.
An Indian teenager from one of the country's most backward states appears to have fooled governments, the media and even the president into believing he had topped the world in a NASA science exam.
In a country hungry for international recognition, 17-year-old Saurabh Singh was feted as a national hero after announcing he had won NASA's International Scientist Discovery examination, which he said he took at Oxford University.
The Uttar Pradesh state government rewarded him with a 500,000 rupee ($11,500) prize and more than 100 members of the state's upper house each donated a day's salary to him....
[His] certificate, a copy of which was obtained by Reuters, declared "You are the member of NASA" (sic) and is signed by Singh and "Chief of NASA, Cin K. Kif" -- NASA's former administrator was Sean O'Keefe. It also lists the name of Singh's father, common practice in Indian documents.
Well, he does have a future in PHISHING.
Why I LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUV CVS:
1. At some stores you have to show PHOTO ID to use a CREDIT CARD; and
2. The cashier doesn't say "thank you" after completing the sale.
LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUV you, CVS!
1. At some stores you have to show PHOTO ID to use a CREDIT CARD; and
2. The cashier doesn't say "thank you" after completing the sale.
LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUV you, CVS!
Egypt's Mubarak Calls for Democratic Election Reforms
Like a capo asking for election reforms for the next capo.
Let us not forget how this capo got into the league of heads of state -- through an assassination.
(Better hed: Mubarak orders election reform)
Like a capo asking for election reforms for the next capo.
Let us not forget how this capo got into the league of heads of state -- through an assassination.
(Better hed: Mubarak orders election reform)
On our way to one big national fee collector Bank of America lost info on, oh, only 1.2 million customers.
Nice to know your big local fee collector can do something like that -- sort of like the federal government.
Nice to know your big local fee collector can do something like that -- sort of like the federal government.
Friday, February 25, 2005
I've devised a new means of discerning Toenail.com articles: read the one-sentence bio at the end. AS IN:
John Swansburg is a senior editor at Legal Affairs magazine.
ENOUGH ABOUT THE OSCARS®!!!!!!!!!!
John Swansburg is a senior editor at Legal Affairs magazine.
ENOUGH ABOUT THE OSCARS®!!!!!!!!!!
We need heroes; an age is poorer without them. Real heroes do not trumpet their heroics to every NEWS HACK. But in the absence of truly honorable public figures all this age has are manufactured heroes, people who've grown popular with NEWS HACKS for no better reason than the itch of mutual backscratching, and they're always calling them CLASS ACTS as a kind of carny-mirror image of their own classlessness. How many times did they make vile odors proclaiming LEGENDARY WELCH a CLASS ACT? One imagines them calling MR. MEAN BUSINESS a CLASS ACT. Bad writers, bad musicians, bad doctors, bad politicans, bad CEOs (that's redundant), anyone can become a CLASS ACT if he's done something SEXY, once.
In no realm of society do we have more CLASS ACTS that in the ATTITUDE BIZ of SPORTS. The wizards of scribbling can take an essential nothing like MJ and make him irreplaceable as the universe. For years JOHN CHANEY was such an immortal; he had thousands of flacks proclaiming forever he was a CLASS ACT in professional college basketball, perhaps not the flattery the hacks intended it to be. While still a coach he had the FLOOR of his home court named for him -- a foolish presumption he was as good as the gift, but then foolishness and college reside in unholy matrimony. What this CLASS ACT did the other night was not very worthy of a CLASS ACT, but it fit in quite well in the fantasy world of Vitaledom, where jerks can do anything to win and have a human foghorn yell AWWWWWWWWWESOME, BABY, and soon after feign shock at the corruption. The only solace to this story is that it is highly unlikely anyone will ever call JOHN CHANEY a CLASS ACT again, but let us never underestimate the venality of SPORTS TYPISTS.
I have amended THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.
In no realm of society do we have more CLASS ACTS that in the ATTITUDE BIZ of SPORTS. The wizards of scribbling can take an essential nothing like MJ and make him irreplaceable as the universe. For years JOHN CHANEY was such an immortal; he had thousands of flacks proclaiming forever he was a CLASS ACT in professional college basketball, perhaps not the flattery the hacks intended it to be. While still a coach he had the FLOOR of his home court named for him -- a foolish presumption he was as good as the gift, but then foolishness and college reside in unholy matrimony. What this CLASS ACT did the other night was not very worthy of a CLASS ACT, but it fit in quite well in the fantasy world of Vitaledom, where jerks can do anything to win and have a human foghorn yell AWWWWWWWWWESOME, BABY, and soon after feign shock at the corruption. The only solace to this story is that it is highly unlikely anyone will ever call JOHN CHANEY a CLASS ACT again, but let us never underestimate the venality of SPORTS TYPISTS.
I have amended THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.
Who says NRO can't fantasize?
Curtis Edmonds: Christo’s art is conservative. 02/25 9:55 a.m.
So what does that make Hilton Kramer? A COMMIE?
John Meroney: Howard Hughes was a determined anti-Communist. 02/25 3:14 p.m.
He was also a determined grower of fingernails and collector of bottles with his own bodily fluids.
Curtis Edmonds: Christo’s art is conservative. 02/25 9:55 a.m.
So what does that make Hilton Kramer? A COMMIE?
John Meroney: Howard Hughes was a determined anti-Communist. 02/25 3:14 p.m.
He was also a determined grower of fingernails and collector of bottles with his own bodily fluids.
Speaking of STERNO, and SPIN, and TWXSTERS:
: MediaWeek reports on a survey of Stern fans to find out how many are planning to make the switch. 22 percent said they are definitely getting Sirius; 41 percent were still deciding. IF THOSE NUMBERS WORK OUT, THE DEAL WORKS WELL FOR SIRIUS AND STERN!!! HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
Unfortunately, Billboard's writer takes a slightly DIFFERENT look -- in the following graf:
When asked if they knew what it cost to subscribe to Sirius, almost half (49 percent) of the listeners weren't aware of the $12.99 fee, compared to 39 percent who were. When told that they would have to pay for hardware and a monthly subscription fee, only 7 percent said they would subscribe to Sirius, while 44 percent said they wouldn't. Half were undecided.
Congratulations, STERNO. You've done what I knew from the POWER LINE clowns most SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS had in them -- an ability to SPIN as fast and furiously as any NEWS HACK. You've also made me do what I've never done before: ACTIVELY MISTRUST A BLOGGER. I've been reading less and less of you market-leading morons for weeks; this only CINCHES it.
: MediaWeek reports on a survey of Stern fans to find out how many are planning to make the switch. 22 percent said they are definitely getting Sirius; 41 percent were still deciding. IF THOSE NUMBERS WORK OUT, THE DEAL WORKS WELL FOR SIRIUS AND STERN!!! HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
Unfortunately, Billboard's writer takes a slightly DIFFERENT look -- in the following graf:
When asked if they knew what it cost to subscribe to Sirius, almost half (49 percent) of the listeners weren't aware of the $12.99 fee, compared to 39 percent who were. When told that they would have to pay for hardware and a monthly subscription fee, only 7 percent said they would subscribe to Sirius, while 44 percent said they wouldn't. Half were undecided.
Congratulations, STERNO. You've done what I knew from the POWER LINE clowns most SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS had in them -- an ability to SPIN as fast and furiously as any NEWS HACK. You've also made me do what I've never done before: ACTIVELY MISTRUST A BLOGGER. I've been reading less and less of you market-leading morons for weeks; this only CINCHES it.
Weeks after committing itself bravely and nobly to the cause of ADULT ENTERTAINMENT, a bankrupt pile of assets decides there is such a thing as BAD PUBLICITY after all.
GOD!!! STERNO!!!! GLIBERAL!!!!!
GOD!!! STERNO!!!! GLIBERAL!!!!!
Great writers think alike.
MOVIES WILL NEVER GET BETTER SO LONG AS THE HACKS WHO TOADY AND RAVE UNTIL HELL FREEZES OVER SCRIBBLE WITH JACKBOOTS ON.
MOVIES WILL NEVER GET BETTER SO LONG AS THE HACKS WHO TOADY AND RAVE UNTIL HELL FREEZES OVER SCRIBBLE WITH JACKBOOTS ON.
I don't see ANY DIFFERENCE, GOD, between You and Your DEMAGOGUING and PATRIOTIC GORE and his DOUBLE-STANDARDS. You BOTH HATE THE PUBLIC.
ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE RAG. WHERE do you FIND these things, ROMY? In a DUMPSTER?
ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE RAG. WHERE do you FIND these things, ROMY? In a DUMPSTER?
Get Frank Rich on the Op-Ed page, or fire him.
Well put -- especially THE LATTER.
Even if I agree with Rich, which I do with alarming regularity....
See your doctor, Hans.
By the way -- what IS The Rake?
Oh. It's an ALTERNATIVE RAG. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!
Well put -- especially THE LATTER.
Even if I agree with Rich, which I do with alarming regularity....
See your doctor, Hans.
By the way -- what IS The Rake?
Oh. It's an ALTERNATIVE RAG. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!
Yesterday I quoted from a writer who accused the news biz of incompetence and invention in gushing over a suddenly favorite show-biz property. Today, sharing a NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK award with an aspiring typist named HART, a PROUD NEUHARTHIAN named MOORE alleges that $34 billion is spent annually in New York and California on film production. This is the sort of figment RENDELLS use to justify tax giveaways; in the end, WE TAXPAYERS pay for BAD MOVIES. Happily when the HACKS do the TOTAL NEUHARTH they can NEVER say anything BAD about SHOW-BIZ.
Such STENOGRAPHY explains why NEWSPAPERS ARE NO LONGER WORTH PAYING FOR.
Such STENOGRAPHY explains why NEWSPAPERS ARE NO LONGER WORTH PAYING FOR.
Pentagon reports fewer U.S. casualties
Okay HACKS, time for your BEST Yosemite Sam routine:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay HACKS, time for your BEST Yosemite Sam routine:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And speaking of THE PAPER OF RE-CORD, it's on the warpath today:
The operation seemed likely to intensify questions about John Paul II's ability to continue to lead the church.
So! The time has come to push the Pope right on outta there. I know! Let's appoint our own Pope: Andrew I -- as in Greeley! He'd be the first Pope to take his orders from a REAL God. By faith in THE PAPER OF RE-CORD are ye saved!
The operation seemed likely to intensify questions about John Paul II's ability to continue to lead the church.
So! The time has come to push the Pope right on outta there. I know! Let's appoint our own Pope: Andrew I -- as in Greeley! He'd be the first Pope to take his orders from a REAL God. By faith in THE PAPER OF RE-CORD are ye saved!
R. EMMETT goes into FULL GLIBERTARIAN MODE over VIDEO GAMES. He suggests we not ban the games but instead go after the "root causes" of juvenile psychopathy. Wait! Isn't this the same sort of con-SER-va-tive who made raucous fun of LIBERALS when they suggested we go after the ROOT CAUSES of TERRORISM because "terrorists are depraved on accounta they're deprived"? This is a thoroughly disingenous argument because R. knows the causes of violent youth crime are largely beyond our control; happily this gives us an excuse not to even "prune the branches."
Honestly R., between this and your REAGAN gags you CAN be annoying.
P. S. I know, I KNOW, R. didn't WRITE it, but as with THE PAPER OF RE-CORD I see no difference between the people who run the joint and those who write in its name.
Honestly R., between this and your REAGAN gags you CAN be annoying.
P. S. I know, I KNOW, R. didn't WRITE it, but as with THE PAPER OF RE-CORD I see no difference between the people who run the joint and those who write in its name.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
HUBRIS from the SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGER for the LITTLE GUY:
Though John Paul addresses the "Internet," the Latin word for blogging has not yet been invented.
I believe His Holiness has more pressing matters on his mind.
Though John Paul addresses the "Internet," the Latin word for blogging has not yet been invented.
I believe His Holiness has more pressing matters on his mind.
As this press release happily fails to mention it wasn't too long ago that the former sex symbol and full-time political consultant Jessica Lange played Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Now she's AMANDA WINGFIELD. Just as I suspect she wasn't sexy enough for the former she may be TOO SEXY for the latter.
Because they're both LOUDMOUTHS?
(A brief-as-possible glance at the last graf reveals this is typically TOENAIL.COM ironic -- meaning I'm right.)
Speculation, to be sure, but the Pope may have pneumonia.
The world should brace itself for the coming of a whiff of white smoke.
The world should brace itself for the coming of a whiff of white smoke.
WOULD HUNTER S. THOMPSON HAVE DONE THIS?
Jack William Pacheco has more copies of this week's edition of The Chowchilla News than he'll ever need.
The 35-year-old Chowchilla resident went around town Wednesday morning and purchased every copy he could in an attempt to suppress news of his arrest for alleged methamphetamine possession.
"I have a whole garage full of newspapers," he said.
And now THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS WHO YOU ARE -- thanks to ROMY.
Jack William Pacheco has more copies of this week's edition of The Chowchilla News than he'll ever need.
The 35-year-old Chowchilla resident went around town Wednesday morning and purchased every copy he could in an attempt to suppress news of his arrest for alleged methamphetamine possession.
"I have a whole garage full of newspapers," he said.
And now THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS WHO YOU ARE -- thanks to ROMY.
Who says the AAAAAAAAAAAATTITUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE BOYS OF B-BALL can't wend their way to NHL-style oblivion? The league puts down too many bucks? A LOCKOUT could take care of THAT. The TV AUDIENCE seems to be HELPING.
And Krispy Kreme has played such successful tricks with ITS numbers the GUVMENT is now giving it even more of THE EYE.
Well, anything beats bugs in the doughnuts.
Well, anything beats bugs in the doughnuts.
A musical GENIUS nicknamed HEAD is leaving heavy metal to make -- we shall presume -- CHRISTIAN metal.
Deaf people have never had it so good.
Deaf people have never had it so good.
Another professional college hoops team wants to build a Taj Mahal -- and Bill Walton comes to the rescue:
"What's wrong with Pauley? Nothing that good teams won't change. I've generally found that good players and good coaching guarantee a good atmosphere. There is no place on earth like Pauley Pavilion because of those championship banners. It's like the Boston Garden. Everybody complained about the old locker rooms and bathrooms, but everybody wanted to play at Boston Garden."
When Walton was reminded the old Garden is gone, razed to build a fancy, new place, Walton muttered, "And how many championships have the Celtics won in the new place?"
The answer is none.
"What's wrong with Pauley? Nothing that good teams won't change. I've generally found that good players and good coaching guarantee a good atmosphere. There is no place on earth like Pauley Pavilion because of those championship banners. It's like the Boston Garden. Everybody complained about the old locker rooms and bathrooms, but everybody wanted to play at Boston Garden."
When Walton was reminded the old Garden is gone, razed to build a fancy, new place, Walton muttered, "And how many championships have the Celtics won in the new place?"
The answer is none.
Speaking of ROMY:
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A MAN USING A FAKE NAME, WITH DUBIOUS JOURNALISM CREDENTIALS, WAS ABLE TO CLEAR THE WHITE HOUSE’S EXTENSIVE SECURITY SCREENING PROCESS AND GAIN SUCH CLOSE ACCESS TO YOU AND YOUR STAFF FOR SUCH AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME??? HAVE THERE BEEN OTHER, SIMILAR BREACHES OF SECURITY AND JOURNALISM STANDARDS????? WE APPRECIATE YOUR PROMPT ATTENTION TO THIS IMPORTANT MATTER!!! WE URGE YOU TO ORDER A FULL INQUIRY SO THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE KNOW THE FACTS!!!!!
I think Dubya should order a full inquiry of Congress myself.
Love your reporting, SHTROOOOP. You quote FOUR DEMOCRATS and ZERO REPUBLICANS. That's FAIRNESS.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A MAN USING A FAKE NAME, WITH DUBIOUS JOURNALISM CREDENTIALS, WAS ABLE TO CLEAR THE WHITE HOUSE’S EXTENSIVE SECURITY SCREENING PROCESS AND GAIN SUCH CLOSE ACCESS TO YOU AND YOUR STAFF FOR SUCH AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME??? HAVE THERE BEEN OTHER, SIMILAR BREACHES OF SECURITY AND JOURNALISM STANDARDS????? WE APPRECIATE YOUR PROMPT ATTENTION TO THIS IMPORTANT MATTER!!! WE URGE YOU TO ORDER A FULL INQUIRY SO THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE KNOW THE FACTS!!!!!
I think Dubya should order a full inquiry of Congress myself.
Love your reporting, SHTROOOOP. You quote FOUR DEMOCRATS and ZERO REPUBLICANS. That's FAIRNESS.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
An astonishing admission from deep within the bowels of RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!'S JUNK FACTORY:
There is...a powerful economic reason that movies aren't very good anymore: They don't have to be.
Edward Jay Epstein's book, sadly, sounds like a variation of BISKINDISM -- the SYSTEM is responsible, therefore NO ONE is responsible -- therefore MOVIES WILL CONTINUE TO STINK.
There is...a powerful economic reason that movies aren't very good anymore: They don't have to be.
Edward Jay Epstein's book, sadly, sounds like a variation of BISKINDISM -- the SYSTEM is responsible, therefore NO ONE is responsible -- therefore MOVIES WILL CONTINUE TO STINK.
As Playbill.com has no hot flashes on risible revivals, we turn to the new site The Book Standard, which has launched a weekly feature of movie deals that promises to be risible on its own account. For starters:
Hot off Gap ads and Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker will produce and star in the adaptation of Maria de los Santos’s Love Walked In, to be published by Dutton in December ’05. The story follows a 31-year-old café manager in Philadelphia who becomes attached to the 11-year-old daughter of her new beau. Paramount bought the rights in a pre-empt. Michael London and Parker will co-produce.
Reese Witherspoon is set to produce and star in Universal’s London Is the Best City in America—about a woman who dumps her fiancé and proceeds to work in a bait shop and produce a documentary about the wives of fishermen—to be adapted by Gwyn Lurie from Laura Dave’s novel. Mandalay Pictures and Type A’s Witherspoon & Jennifer Simpson will produce.
Matthew McConaughey and Penélope Cruz lead Ascendant Pictures’ adaptation of Joe Coomer’s novel The Loop, in which lonely highway patrolman McConaughey is inspired to search for his long-lost parents after meeting sexy librarian Cruz. (Cruz has also played a sexy nun, in Almodóvar’s 2002 All About My Mother.) S.R. Bindler will write and direct, and will be joined by producers McConaughey, Mark Gustawes, Bruce Heller, David Koplan, Gus Gustawes and Chris Roberts.
In short: ANOTHER argument for aliteracy.
Hot off Gap ads and Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker will produce and star in the adaptation of Maria de los Santos’s Love Walked In, to be published by Dutton in December ’05. The story follows a 31-year-old café manager in Philadelphia who becomes attached to the 11-year-old daughter of her new beau. Paramount bought the rights in a pre-empt. Michael London and Parker will co-produce.
Reese Witherspoon is set to produce and star in Universal’s London Is the Best City in America—about a woman who dumps her fiancé and proceeds to work in a bait shop and produce a documentary about the wives of fishermen—to be adapted by Gwyn Lurie from Laura Dave’s novel. Mandalay Pictures and Type A’s Witherspoon & Jennifer Simpson will produce.
Matthew McConaughey and Penélope Cruz lead Ascendant Pictures’ adaptation of Joe Coomer’s novel The Loop, in which lonely highway patrolman McConaughey is inspired to search for his long-lost parents after meeting sexy librarian Cruz. (Cruz has also played a sexy nun, in Almodóvar’s 2002 All About My Mother.) S.R. Bindler will write and direct, and will be joined by producers McConaughey, Mark Gustawes, Bruce Heller, David Koplan, Gus Gustawes and Chris Roberts.
In short: ANOTHER argument for aliteracy.
As THE NEW YORKER would have said before it became THE UNIVERSE'S GREATEST MAGAZINE, "THERE'LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND":
WRITTEN MINISTERIAL STATEMENT
Department for Constitutional Affairs
The Marriage between HRH The Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles
The Lord Chancellor:
"In the light of recent interest in the law surrounding Royal marriages, I am making this statement to set out in more detail the view that has been taken by the Government on the lawfulness of the proposed marriage between the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles.
"The Government is satisfied that it is lawful for the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles, like anyone else, to marry by a civil ceremony in accordance with Part III of the Marriage Act 1949.
"Civil marriages were introduced in England by the Marriage Act 1836. Section 45 said that the Act:
'… shall not extend to the marriage of any of the Royal Family'.
"But the provisions on civil marriage in the 1836 Act were repealed by the Marriage Act 1949. All remaining parts of the 1836 Act, including section 45, were repealed by the Registration Service Act 1953. No part of the 1836 Act therefore remains on the statute book.
"The Marriage Act 1949 re-enacted and re-stated the law on marriage in England and Wales. The Act covered both marriage by Church of England rite, and civil marriage. It did not repeat the language of section 45 of the 1836 Act. Instead, section 79(5) of the 1949 Act says that:
'Nothing in this Act shall affect any law or custom relating to the marriage of members of the Royal Family.'
"The change of wording is important, and the significance is not undermined by the fact that the 1949 Act is described as a consolidation Act. The interpretation of any Act of Parliament, even when it consolidates previous legislation, must be based on the words used in the Act itself, not different words used in the previous legislation.
"In our view, section 79(5) of the 1949 Act preserves ancient procedures applying to Royal marriages, for example the availability of customary forms of marriage and registration. It also preserves the effect of the Royal Marriages Act 1772, which requires the Sovereign's consent for certain marriages. But it does not have the effect of excluding Royal marriages from the scope of Part III, which provides for civil ceremonies. As the heading to section 79 indicates ("Repeals and savings") it is a saving, not an exclusion.
"We are aware that different views have been taken in the past; but we consider that these were over-cautious, and we are clear that the interpretation I have set out in this statement is correct. We also note that the Human Rights Act has since 2000 required legislation to be interpreted wherever possible in a way that is compatible with the right to marry (article 12) and with the right to enjoy that right without discrimination (article 14). This, in our view, puts the modern meaning of the 1949 Act beyond doubt."
WRITTEN MINISTERIAL STATEMENT
Department for Constitutional Affairs
The Marriage between HRH The Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles
The Lord Chancellor:
"In the light of recent interest in the law surrounding Royal marriages, I am making this statement to set out in more detail the view that has been taken by the Government on the lawfulness of the proposed marriage between the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles.
"The Government is satisfied that it is lawful for the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles, like anyone else, to marry by a civil ceremony in accordance with Part III of the Marriage Act 1949.
"Civil marriages were introduced in England by the Marriage Act 1836. Section 45 said that the Act:
'… shall not extend to the marriage of any of the Royal Family'.
"But the provisions on civil marriage in the 1836 Act were repealed by the Marriage Act 1949. All remaining parts of the 1836 Act, including section 45, were repealed by the Registration Service Act 1953. No part of the 1836 Act therefore remains on the statute book.
"The Marriage Act 1949 re-enacted and re-stated the law on marriage in England and Wales. The Act covered both marriage by Church of England rite, and civil marriage. It did not repeat the language of section 45 of the 1836 Act. Instead, section 79(5) of the 1949 Act says that:
'Nothing in this Act shall affect any law or custom relating to the marriage of members of the Royal Family.'
"The change of wording is important, and the significance is not undermined by the fact that the 1949 Act is described as a consolidation Act. The interpretation of any Act of Parliament, even when it consolidates previous legislation, must be based on the words used in the Act itself, not different words used in the previous legislation.
"In our view, section 79(5) of the 1949 Act preserves ancient procedures applying to Royal marriages, for example the availability of customary forms of marriage and registration. It also preserves the effect of the Royal Marriages Act 1772, which requires the Sovereign's consent for certain marriages. But it does not have the effect of excluding Royal marriages from the scope of Part III, which provides for civil ceremonies. As the heading to section 79 indicates ("Repeals and savings") it is a saving, not an exclusion.
"We are aware that different views have been taken in the past; but we consider that these were over-cautious, and we are clear that the interpretation I have set out in this statement is correct. We also note that the Human Rights Act has since 2000 required legislation to be interpreted wherever possible in a way that is compatible with the right to marry (article 12) and with the right to enjoy that right without discrimination (article 14). This, in our view, puts the modern meaning of the 1949 Act beyond doubt."
Hell NO! If we have to we'll build our OWN missile defense!
EH?
Hey PAUL! Maybe you can use all those unemployed GOONS.
EH?
Hey PAUL! Maybe you can use all those unemployed GOONS.
NHL SEASON CANCELLATION COSTS $400 MILLION IN AD REVENUE
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, all that money that won't go into LUXURY BOXES -- and the wallets of GOONS.
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, all that money that won't go into LUXURY BOXES -- and the wallets of GOONS.
Jumping up and down with GLEE at SLASHDOT:
jflint writes "Here is a site with over 80 screenshots (claiming more to come) that shows the story line of the upcoming Star Wars Episode 3. Some of the screenshots have French subtitles in them." These shots -- especially the space battle scenes -- certainly make it look more worthwhile than the two prior episodes.
GEORGE!! GET OUT THE IPO!!!!!
jflint writes "Here is a site with over 80 screenshots (claiming more to come) that shows the story line of the upcoming Star Wars Episode 3. Some of the screenshots have French subtitles in them." These shots -- especially the space battle scenes -- certainly make it look more worthwhile than the two prior episodes.
GEORGE!! GET OUT THE IPO!!!!!
THE LORD GOD PINCH HUFFS:
On the charge of liberal bias, Sulzberger laughed.
"I hear more complaints that the newspaper is in the pocket of the Bush administration than that it is too liberal," he said.
Maybe You should stop having stroke-feigning contests with THE GLIBERAL.
On the charge of liberal bias, Sulzberger laughed.
"I hear more complaints that the newspaper is in the pocket of the Bush administration than that it is too liberal," he said.
Maybe You should stop having stroke-feigning contests with THE GLIBERAL.
Whenever a story's subheded "Special to..." or "For," alarm bells ring and warning lights flash. It is usually the work of a freeloader -- freeLANCER looking for work, but not any work; it must be work in which he can be somebody's FRIEND, a big and famous or powerful person's FRIEND, therefore making him the reader's ENEMY.
Hugh Hart, you're this week's winner of the NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD.
Well whadya know -- the toady has HIS OWN WEB SITE -- ON-LINE RESUME -- AND CV! Looks like he's more than ready to NEUHARTH BIG TIME!
Hugh Hart, you're this week's winner of the NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD.
Well whadya know -- the toady has HIS OWN WEB SITE -- ON-LINE RESUME -- AND CV! Looks like he's more than ready to NEUHARTH BIG TIME!
Lou Dobbs is mad as hell.
OoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooh, does that mean the next time a CEO's on his show he MAY ask a TOUGH QUESTION?
OoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooh, does that mean the next time a CEO's on his show he MAY ask a TOUGH QUESTION?
Oh dear oh dear oh dear, the Queen is snubbing the Prince's wedding. What shall he do?
Go on as usual, being the once-and-future prince -- er, the future KING.
Go on as usual, being the once-and-future prince -- er, the future KING.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Liberals and news hacks will BOOOOOOOOOOO and HISSSSSSSSSSSSS at the Republicans' largesse, but having all the money in the world means nothing if you don't have good candidates -- and especially if you waste it (as political parties will) on ANNOYING ADS.
That John Kerry nearly beat Dubya is proof enough.
That John Kerry nearly beat Dubya is proof enough.
In answer to a question about presidential speechwriters, Alterman revealed he once wrote a speech for President Bill Clinton -- a one-minute talk for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. "I did it because I wanted Bill Clinton to refer to Bruce Springsteen as 'The Man.' And he did, I got Bill Clinton to call Bruce Springsteen 'The Man.'"
Flacks will be flacks.
Flacks will be flacks.
Survey sez: Barely half of parents care if kids try pot
Why should they? They don't seem to care about anything else.
Why should they? They don't seem to care about anything else.
Chris Rock wants to clarify what he meant when he said straight men don't watch the Oscars. "I did not say that. I said only gay people watch the Tonys," he joked Monday during an appearance on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno."
TRANSLATION: IT'S STILL FIVE ARTHOUSE DOGS -- AND YOU'LL STILL GET RECORD LOW RATINGS.
TRANSLATION: IT'S STILL FIVE ARTHOUSE DOGS -- AND YOU'LL STILL GET RECORD LOW RATINGS.
"It really hit home this past year that viewers in America are changing quite a bit — what they want to see is different, and that's been a problem with our show," pageant president/CEO Art McMaster told The Post yesterday.
"We were live on a Saturday night, and in the first 15 minutes, 42 of the contestants exited stage left," McMaster said. "That doesn't really help us when America wants to get to know everyone.
"That's what it's really all about — getting to know the ladies more than just the 10 final contestants," he said. "We have to show their backgrounds, their strengths, their fears and ambitions, so there's a connection between the TV set and America.
"We want to move into the reality world and have four to six lead-in shows to get to know the contestants.
"But that's definitely up to the networks. We've thrown it out to them that we're interested."
TRANSLATION: WHERE'S THE CYANIDE?????
"We were live on a Saturday night, and in the first 15 minutes, 42 of the contestants exited stage left," McMaster said. "That doesn't really help us when America wants to get to know everyone.
"That's what it's really all about — getting to know the ladies more than just the 10 final contestants," he said. "We have to show their backgrounds, their strengths, their fears and ambitions, so there's a connection between the TV set and America.
"We want to move into the reality world and have four to six lead-in shows to get to know the contestants.
"But that's definitely up to the networks. We've thrown it out to them that we're interested."
TRANSLATION: WHERE'S THE CYANIDE?????
Hunter demanded his ashes be shot out of a cannon.
I think there was a reason G.B. made you a CARTOON CHARACTER, Hunt.
Meantime NEWS HACKS are doing AN AWFUL LOT OF MOURNING for ONE OF THEIR OWN, but if they didn't they wouldn't be NEWS HACKS.
I think there was a reason G.B. made you a CARTOON CHARACTER, Hunt.
Meantime NEWS HACKS are doing AN AWFUL LOT OF MOURNING for ONE OF THEIR OWN, but if they didn't they wouldn't be NEWS HACKS.
JONAH (!!!!!) SAYS:
I think it's time to remind some people that bloggers aren't a race or a religion....[I]t increasingly seems that bloggers, as a group, don't like criticism period.
I think STERNO ought to demand a ten-percent tithe myself.
I think it's time to remind some people that bloggers aren't a race or a religion....[I]t increasingly seems that bloggers, as a group, don't like criticism period.
I think STERNO ought to demand a ten-percent tithe myself.
Prepaid cards that unlock one of the raunchiest X-rated sites on the Internet are being peddled by bodegas and newsstands across the city - even to underage kids, the Daily News has learned.
Hey, that's how the PORNMEISTERS get their AUDIENCE.
A good thing, right GLIBERAL?
Hey, that's how the PORNMEISTERS get their AUDIENCE.
A good thing, right GLIBERAL?
The fool druggie hack Hunter S. Thompson killed himself because CONSERVATISM was "SWEEPING THE COUNTRY."
Possibly this was an excuse for what this story describes as his myriad health problems; but we've been told this by a "foreign editor" of National Public TalkRadio (BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP), so it must count as definitive.
Possibly this was an excuse for what this story describes as his myriad health problems; but we've been told this by a "foreign editor" of National Public TalkRadio (BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP), so it must count as definitive.
Is the Eczema Beast any relation to Mr. Toenail?
The idea of putting Ray Charles on the $10 bill isn't really that much stupider than the R. EMMETT-approved ideas of putting Reagan on the ten, or Reagan on the dime, or (for that matter) Reagan on MT. RUSHMORE. Indeed, as you say Pat, someday we may be able to print our own currency legally, putting any face we want to on the smackeroos. By that time, of course, it truly will be funny money.
Monday, February 21, 2005
TV muzak is clearly the tsunami of the future in retailing, and surely for many customers about as welcome as one; but at least it offers THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS an excuse not to finance JUNK TELEVISION -- as if.
Now here's the $64,000 question: will the captive audience pay heed to the commercials? I wonder.
Now here's the $64,000 question: will the captive audience pay heed to the commercials? I wonder.
Another supremely annoying story -- but this one has a happy ending:
Nevertheless, the episode did not produce winning ratings for the Fox series, as it came in a distant fourth in the Nielsens with a 5.8/9. ABC won the 8:00 p.m. hour with a 10.3/16 for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
The problem with publicity stunts like this is that no matter how hard you try to avoid them, they pop up in your face. And there are many times when it seems the news is full of nothing but such publicity stunts. In the end, as with other acts of table pounding, the public can be trusted to know better, even if their media superiors do not.
Nevertheless, the episode did not produce winning ratings for the Fox series, as it came in a distant fourth in the Nielsens with a 5.8/9. ABC won the 8:00 p.m. hour with a 10.3/16 for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
The problem with publicity stunts like this is that no matter how hard you try to avoid them, they pop up in your face. And there are many times when it seems the news is full of nothing but such publicity stunts. In the end, as with other acts of table pounding, the public can be trusted to know better, even if their media superiors do not.
Was I the only person who, upon learning of Sandra Dee's death, scratched his head and exclaimed, "Who?" All I knew of her was as some sort of teen idol and the punchline in a song from the immortal Grease. Even seeing her in still pictures she didn't ring a bell. In that sense she was a precursor of this MEGAPLATINUM AGE OF ENTERTAINMENT, a cute but unmemorable face who, by dint of luck or trends, became what the flacks at USAOKAY!!!!! must call a "star." This is one reason, of course, why MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER!
John Raitt was more than (as the dutiful indifferent moronic TWXSTERS must refer to him) BONNIE'S FATHER; he was at the center of, in many ways the personification of the Rodgers and Hammerstein era, a virile leading man with a strong memorable baritone. Yes, there was a time when Broadway not only turned out masterworks, but the men and women to perform them. Raitt, Alfred Drake, Mary Martin, Barbara Cook -- it all seems like eons ago, which it was, an era as hopelessly gone as the stupors of Hunter Thompson's drug-befuddled mind. But high-schools still do Carousel, while it is quite unlikely that in time Thompson's works will stir other than historians.
It is surprising Hunter S. Thompson did not succumb to his demons long before his suicide. All I can imagine with him is a left-wing Tom Wolfe on drugs who didn't write novels nor wore white suits. But such was his age; while other times left Shakespeares, his left phrasemakers. RIP.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
HOWARD's issued His official denial. Okay Howard, maybe it wasn't insider trading, but You boasted how You launched SIXTY MINUTES II, and You've boasted of Your palsy-walsy with ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, so please forgive me if I'm just a little, well, skeptical.
As for this something called, uh, "BuzzMachine" -- I don't know why Howard has to use an assumed identity.
As for this something called, uh, "BuzzMachine" -- I don't know why Howard has to use an assumed identity.
My last comment for today on SNL:
In "Of Thee I Sing," I believe that we discover the happiest and most successful native music-stage lampoon that has thus far come the way of the American theatre.
--The critic and editor George Jean Nathan, in a foreword to the first printed edition of the work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Wintergreen looks out the window, through which is visible the panorama of Washington, with Washington's Monument prominent in the foreground)
WINTERGREEN: What a country -- what a country! Jenkins, what monument is that?
JENKINS: Grant's Tomb.
WINTERGREEN: Oh, yes. Well, what's on the schedule this morning? Ah, here we are! (Takes up some letters) Tell the Secretary of the Navy to scrap two battleships.
JENKINS: What?
WINTERGREEN: Scrap two and build four. Disarmament.
JENKINS: Yes, sir.
WINTERGREEN: Cablegram to the President of San Domingo: "Congratulations on beginning your second day in office. That's five I owe you, and will bet you double or nothing on tomorrow."
JENKINS: Yes, sir.
WINTERGREEN: Tell the Secretary of War to stand ready to collect that bet.
JENKINS: Yes, sir.
WINTERGREEN: Letter to the Friars' Club, 48th St., New York City. "Dear Brother Friars: Regret very much I cannot take part in this year's minstrel show. Owing to conditions in the South, I do not think it would be wise for me to black up." (Looks through the pile of letters) I get the lousiest mail for a President!
--Dialogue from Of Thee I Sing, the first musical to win the P-Ulitzer Prize in Drama. (George Gershwin, who wrote the only good [a VERY good] thing about this show [ditto his brother Ira], did not win a prize, in no small part because the P-Ulitzer judges were tone-deaf.)
Walter Duranty DID win a P-Ulitzer that year, for Fiction -- Correspondence.
(The above excerpts are from the Library of America's Kaufman & Co.)
P. S. from THE MASTER:
Our tastes greatly alter. The lad does not care for the child's rattle, and the old man does not care for the young man's whore.
The nice thing about being in the NEWS BIZ is you never have to GROW UP.
In "Of Thee I Sing," I believe that we discover the happiest and most successful native music-stage lampoon that has thus far come the way of the American theatre.
--The critic and editor George Jean Nathan, in a foreword to the first printed edition of the work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Wintergreen looks out the window, through which is visible the panorama of Washington, with Washington's Monument prominent in the foreground)
WINTERGREEN: What a country -- what a country! Jenkins, what monument is that?
JENKINS: Grant's Tomb.
WINTERGREEN: Oh, yes. Well, what's on the schedule this morning? Ah, here we are! (Takes up some letters) Tell the Secretary of the Navy to scrap two battleships.
JENKINS: What?
WINTERGREEN: Scrap two and build four. Disarmament.
JENKINS: Yes, sir.
WINTERGREEN: Cablegram to the President of San Domingo: "Congratulations on beginning your second day in office. That's five I owe you, and will bet you double or nothing on tomorrow."
JENKINS: Yes, sir.
WINTERGREEN: Tell the Secretary of War to stand ready to collect that bet.
JENKINS: Yes, sir.
WINTERGREEN: Letter to the Friars' Club, 48th St., New York City. "Dear Brother Friars: Regret very much I cannot take part in this year's minstrel show. Owing to conditions in the South, I do not think it would be wise for me to black up." (Looks through the pile of letters) I get the lousiest mail for a President!
--Dialogue from Of Thee I Sing, the first musical to win the P-Ulitzer Prize in Drama. (George Gershwin, who wrote the only good [a VERY good] thing about this show [ditto his brother Ira], did not win a prize, in no small part because the P-Ulitzer judges were tone-deaf.)
Walter Duranty DID win a P-Ulitzer that year, for Fiction -- Correspondence.
(The above excerpts are from the Library of America's Kaufman & Co.)
P. S. from THE MASTER:
Our tastes greatly alter. The lad does not care for the child's rattle, and the old man does not care for the young man's whore.
The nice thing about being in the NEWS BIZ is you never have to GROW UP.
St. Warren has found another excuse for the news biz' malaise: it's "lifestyles so cram-packed they leave little time for the daily paper."
It probably has nothing to do with having to pay for writers sounding as though they're cribbing off their fellow writers. (He uses the word "hip" too!)
And remember -- IT DEFINITELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BIAS.
It probably has nothing to do with having to pay for writers sounding as though they're cribbing off their fellow writers. (He uses the word "hip" too!)
And remember -- IT DEFINITELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BIAS.
Admit it, when you watch Alycia Lane deliver the evening news on Channel 3, you're not thinking about her intellect.
It doesn't cross your mind that she holds a master's degree from one of the top journalism schools in the nation.
Having a MASTERS in JERNALISM is evidence of BRAINS?
It doesn't cross your mind that she holds a master's degree from one of the top journalism schools in the nation.
Having a MASTERS in JERNALISM is evidence of BRAINS?
Another question from THE PAPER OF RE-CORD that answers itself:
When the Readers Speak Out, Can Anyone Hear Them?
The answer, of course, is a resounding NO. To be sure this applies to the whole NEWS BIZ, which has taken such great pride in dismissing the peasants with an arrogant wave of the hand and a thumbing of the nose, and now reaps the rewards for it; but if THE PAPER OF RE-CORD can't hear the complaints even after L'AFFAIRE BLAIR, will it ever hear them? That we are dealing with INSTITUTIONAL DEAFNESS was revealed when THE PAPER OF RE-CORD COMPANY bought the junk property ABOUT.COM for no better reason than that Dow Jones overpaid for a piece of bird droppings in MARKETWATCH. If Pinch is unwilling to listen to the skeptics among His SHAREHOLDERS, why should He listen to MERE READERS?
When the Readers Speak Out, Can Anyone Hear Them?
The answer, of course, is a resounding NO. To be sure this applies to the whole NEWS BIZ, which has taken such great pride in dismissing the peasants with an arrogant wave of the hand and a thumbing of the nose, and now reaps the rewards for it; but if THE PAPER OF RE-CORD can't hear the complaints even after L'AFFAIRE BLAIR, will it ever hear them? That we are dealing with INSTITUTIONAL DEAFNESS was revealed when THE PAPER OF RE-CORD COMPANY bought the junk property ABOUT.COM for no better reason than that Dow Jones overpaid for a piece of bird droppings in MARKETWATCH. If Pinch is unwilling to listen to the skeptics among His SHAREHOLDERS, why should He listen to MERE READERS?
The test of a knee-jerk hermetically-sealed demagogue like THE GLIBERAL is to get him to talk of WOODSTER the PERV. Among the first words out of his mouth would be some variation of JUDGMENTAL (although quite possibly the word wouldn't come up because GLIB knows it has a smell among some readers) and PRUDE. Well, Mia Farrow's back in the news, and she reminds us that those who looked slightly the other way at the WOODSTER had something more than PRUDERY in mind.
One other mode of defense might be for THE GLIBERAL to say, "What are Mia's motives?" That's easily answered: What were the WOODSTER's motives in buggering his adopted daughter?
P. S. This story reminds us that for many years because of villains like the WOODSTER, and HOWARD, and THE DONALD, and GEORGE, and the MIDTOWN MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, we held New York in unbridled scorn. Then came 9/11. We should never forget that obscenity; but now, perhaps, the time has come to hold New York in its former scorn again.
One other mode of defense might be for THE GLIBERAL to say, "What are Mia's motives?" That's easily answered: What were the WOODSTER's motives in buggering his adopted daughter?
P. S. This story reminds us that for many years because of villains like the WOODSTER, and HOWARD, and THE DONALD, and GEORGE, and the MIDTOWN MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, we held New York in unbridled scorn. Then came 9/11. We should never forget that obscenity; but now, perhaps, the time has come to hold New York in its former scorn again.
As we saw from last week, we cannot turn to Mr. Mark's RAG without expecting him to play mind games on his readers. Not wanting to read it, we still cannot help wondering how he can work a seemingly uncontroversial issue as autism to his advantage. (Probably he's gotten a PC take on ABORTION into it, somehow.) Happily there are other tricks we can play on our readers -- we can call Larry Summers (or as one of Mr. Mark's drones must call him on the home page and the story subhed, Larry Summer) "heavy-handed" without asking on whom he's laying the heavy hand...and we can do what we do best, get our top-flight press agent Devin to annoy the living bejesus (pardon, bewarren) out of our readers with a "hilarious" sales pitch. Who needs God on Sunday mornings when you have THE GOSPEL OF MR. MARK?
Really, if medical researchers want to do something, they could do worse -- far worse -- than study the brains of BLUNDER'S STAFF. It might not cure AUTISM, but it could hold the key to a cure to MASS STUPIDITY.
Really, if medical researchers want to do something, they could do worse -- far worse -- than study the brains of BLUNDER'S STAFF. It might not cure AUTISM, but it could hold the key to a cure to MASS STUPIDITY.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Ditto this irredeemable piece of USAOKAY!!!!! PR junk about an ESPN reality show.
You know a NEWS HACK'S not being fully honest when he/she/it types, "And ESPN won't publicly disclose the winner's starting salary." These are the same TRUTH SEEKERS who kept the ultimate outcome of that ULTRADWEEB on JEOPARDY!!!!! a secret for so many months while simultaneously disclosing 5,000 classified documents about Iraq.
MORONS.
You know a NEWS HACK'S not being fully honest when he/she/it types, "And ESPN won't publicly disclose the winner's starting salary." These are the same TRUTH SEEKERS who kept the ultimate outcome of that ULTRADWEEB on JEOPARDY!!!!! a secret for so many months while simultaneously disclosing 5,000 classified documents about Iraq.
MORONS.
Some intrepid hack wasted days researching mangas, anime and Hello Kitty to waste our time in reading about them. News hacks wail at bloggers for their difficulties, but judging from the junk they stuff into our heads on the Web, much of the fault is self-inflicted.
Report: Former slugger Canseco owes thousands in back taxes
Well! He can use the proceeds from his LITERARY MASTERPIECE to pay them!
Well! He can use the proceeds from his LITERARY MASTERPIECE to pay them!
When USAOKAY!!!!! uses the word "DRECK" in the hed of a movie review, movies MUST be -- BETTER THAN EVER!
SAMMY GLICKMAN!!!!! When are you going to something about JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP?????
SAMMY GLICKMAN!!!!! When are you going to something about JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP?????
And the next big thing, as STERNO has never ceased to GLOAT before us, is PODCASTING, which means everybody has a TV or radio station, which means everybody broadcasts, which means -- and I do believe I said this once -- everybody (save for the NICK DORKENS and a few other well-connected megalomaniacs) has an audience of ZERO.
Yep, I think I see another TULIP BULB MANIA ahead.
Yep, I think I see another TULIP BULB MANIA ahead.
GASP! People around THE GREATEST ENTERTAINER OF ALL TIME may have engaged in -- INSIDER TRADING!!!!!
Somehow I'm...not surprised -- you have to figure a few of HOWARD's sponsors are on the sleazy side -- and it rather does undercut his and STERNO's lie that the MARTYR of RADIO was forging into the satellite biz for FREE EXPRESSION. No, he was doing it strictly for PAY.
Of course the MARTYR's next shtick will be to say the SEC's doing the FCC's bidding. From the looks of it I'd say your thousands of toadies are doing ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN's bidding.
P. S. Nothing on STERNO's site, nor will there be.
Somehow I'm...not surprised -- you have to figure a few of HOWARD's sponsors are on the sleazy side -- and it rather does undercut his and STERNO's lie that the MARTYR of RADIO was forging into the satellite biz for FREE EXPRESSION. No, he was doing it strictly for PAY.
Of course the MARTYR's next shtick will be to say the SEC's doing the FCC's bidding. From the looks of it I'd say your thousands of toadies are doing ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN's bidding.
P. S. Nothing on STERNO's site, nor will there be.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Rupert Murdoch Tops List of Speakers for ASNE 2005
TRANSLATION: How the other half lives.
Dubya may attend -- or he may not. Not that he has to. ANSE's proud membership can do a very good supposition.
TRANSLATION: How the other half lives.
Dubya may attend -- or he may not. Not that he has to. ANSE's proud membership can do a very good supposition.
If I didn't know better -- and I must admit I don't -- I'd say the PRETERNATURALLY BUGGY G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER is preventing me from logging onto OTHER WEB SITES!!!!!
LOOKING TO DOUBLE YOUR SHARE PRICE IN A WEEK, CLEM KADIDDLEHOPPERS?
LOOKING TO DOUBLE YOUR SHARE PRICE IN A WEEK, CLEM KADIDDLEHOPPERS?
The story of the phony White House reporter who called himself Jeff Gannon just gets curiouser and curiouser every day -- and shows no sign of abating.
While the stories of BLATHERGATE and EASON...well, let's just say it took a while before we latched onto those.
While the stories of BLATHERGATE and EASON...well, let's just say it took a while before we latched onto those.
Another resounding endorsement of advertising:
Campbell Soup Co., the world's largest soupmaker, reported steady earnings on higher sales for its second fiscal quarter which includes some cold months when soup sales generally rise. Its shares fell more than 3 percent....
A higher cost of producing the products and increased spending on marketing kept profits from rising.
Campbell Soup Co., the world's largest soupmaker, reported steady earnings on higher sales for its second fiscal quarter which includes some cold months when soup sales generally rise. Its shares fell more than 3 percent....
A higher cost of producing the products and increased spending on marketing kept profits from rising.
In the past several days, we've seen some performance problems with Blogger.
THAT'S PUTTING IT MILDLY.
So what's G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER's solution? Log out and shut down your browser! What happens if you get errors and freeze-ups every time you log on?
WHAT'S YOUR LATEST STOCK PRICE?
THAT'S PUTTING IT MILDLY.
So what's G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER's solution? Log out and shut down your browser! What happens if you get errors and freeze-ups every time you log on?
WHAT'S YOUR LATEST STOCK PRICE?
A new SINATRA thinks BIG:
You gotta hand it to Grammy winner Kanye West: He thinks outside the box.
"These magazines make money from ads and subscriptions," the 27-year-old hip-hop star mused during a recent media brunch in Beverly Hills attended by Daily News contributor Jawn Murray. "But I know that part of what drives subscriptions and ads is who these magazines put on the cover."
West continued: "So if you're putting me on the cover and people are buying your magazine because of me, why shouldn't I get paid to be on that cover? You are going to have to pay me to do magazine covers now!"
Of course the GENIUS gets it wrong. People who print the rags that would pay to put this IMMORTAL on the cover ought to pay US too -- to READ them.
You gotta hand it to Grammy winner Kanye West: He thinks outside the box.
"These magazines make money from ads and subscriptions," the 27-year-old hip-hop star mused during a recent media brunch in Beverly Hills attended by Daily News contributor Jawn Murray. "But I know that part of what drives subscriptions and ads is who these magazines put on the cover."
West continued: "So if you're putting me on the cover and people are buying your magazine because of me, why shouldn't I get paid to be on that cover? You are going to have to pay me to do magazine covers now!"
Of course the GENIUS gets it wrong. People who print the rags that would pay to put this IMMORTAL on the cover ought to pay US too -- to READ them.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Oh dear oh dear oh dear, the QUEEN is upset that PRINCE CHARLIE wants to marry like -- a COMMONER.
No, NO, it's too easy.
No, NO, it's too easy.
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP: TV-industry sycophant and spokespoop PERFESSER THOMPSON ("Froma Harrop" must be a pseudonym or a vulgar anagram) says the V-Chip will solve EVERYTHING. And if kids are watching Slutsville? It's the parents' fault. So shouldn't the industry try to police itself? No, it's the parents' fault. So we should rely on a computer chip hardly anyone uses. It's the parents' fault.
The PARENTS' FAULT claptrap is one reason so many people hate the entertainment biz. It's behind the decreasing ratings and movie box-office. It's behind the increasing contempt for the sister NEWS biz. IT'S BEHIND CONGRESS'S RUSH TO STIFFEN BROADCAST FINES. It's elitist in the worst sense -- zillionaires and their toadies tell ordinary people that if they're raped they should relax and enjoy it. Perhaps, Charlatan of the Sheepskin, people are getting tired of being RAPED.
P. S.
Belo owns 19 television stations reaching 13.8 percent of U.S. television households, including WFAA-TV in Dallas/Fort Worth, KHOU-TV in Houston, KING-TV in Seattle/Tacoma and KTVK-TV in Phoenix.
MORONS.
The PARENTS' FAULT claptrap is one reason so many people hate the entertainment biz. It's behind the decreasing ratings and movie box-office. It's behind the increasing contempt for the sister NEWS biz. IT'S BEHIND CONGRESS'S RUSH TO STIFFEN BROADCAST FINES. It's elitist in the worst sense -- zillionaires and their toadies tell ordinary people that if they're raped they should relax and enjoy it. Perhaps, Charlatan of the Sheepskin, people are getting tired of being RAPED.
P. S.
Belo owns 19 television stations reaching 13.8 percent of U.S. television households, including WFAA-TV in Dallas/Fort Worth, KHOU-TV in Houston, KING-TV in Seattle/Tacoma and KTVK-TV in Phoenix.
MORONS.
Ms. Overexposed Belly Button has called Jann "Sieg Heil" Wenner "a big old fat man."
That's an insult. For now.
That's an insult. For now.
It is somehow just that a company that taught America how to dress CHEAP should be a victim of its own success.
Conservative-orgasm alert:
Levi's also was the last major jeans maker to manufacture clothes in the United States, putting it a price disadvantage as its rivals shifted operations to low-cost contractors in Latin America and Asia. The competitive pressure prompted Levi's to close all of its U.S factories.
Effectiveness-of-annoying-people-on-television alert:
The fourth-quarter loss, driven by a sharp increase in advertising expense....
Conservative-orgasm alert:
Levi's also was the last major jeans maker to manufacture clothes in the United States, putting it a price disadvantage as its rivals shifted operations to low-cost contractors in Latin America and Asia. The competitive pressure prompted Levi's to close all of its U.S factories.
Effectiveness-of-annoying-people-on-television alert:
The fourth-quarter loss, driven by a sharp increase in advertising expense....
Do news hacks and political corruption walk hand-in-hand? We may wonder. I'd like to know how many big-city newspaper endorsements of the last fifty years went to DEMOCRATIC mayoral and city-council candidates. THE WORLD'S SECOND GREATEST NEWSPAPER endorsed Marion "CRACKHEAD" Barry THREE TIMES. Sixteen months ago KNIGHTRIDDER's idea of a tabloid, in the middle of a non-stop circulation slump and a campaign to be RIGHT-ON, WITH-IT and NOW to try to stop the non-stop, endorsed our increasingly dubious mayor for re-election. When NEWS HACKS stump for these machine candidates they are themselves de-facto members of the machines, with all the ODORS that REEK THEREFROM. Truly the ANYBODY-BUT-REPUBLICANS mindset of NEWS HACKS has FAILED AMERICA'S CITIES, Philadelphia not THE LEAST.
G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER is
WORKING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
WORKING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
The hero of NEWS HACKS does it AGAIN:
Claim: Editors' sin is that they aren't as funny as Mel Brooks
Who says he's funny?
Now we know why the hacks run COMIC STRIPS.
Claim: Editors' sin is that they aren't as funny as Mel Brooks
Who says he's funny?
Now we know why the hacks run COMIC STRIPS.
Just as NPR is now a commercial-newsradio service on the dole, so PBS has become the definition of relentless middlebrow -- when it does not air Lawrence a-Welk. If PBS is merely to engage in a more refined form of pandering it should do what NPR should do: abandon its "public interest" spiel -- the network stopped airing real arts programming long ago -- put the stations up for sale, and become an outlet for the high-demographic schlock of A&E.
An executive quitting under pressure won't cut it.
An executive quitting under pressure won't cut it.
Officials: Militants Targeted Eiffel Tower
This seems hard to believe as one would think the FRENCHIES' long record of APPEASEMENT would INOCULATE them.
This seems hard to believe as one would think the FRENCHIES' long record of APPEASEMENT would INOCULATE them.
I wanted to post something this afternoon -- at the time the GOONLEAGUE entered IMMORTALITY -- but the CLEM KADIDDLEHOPPERS OF MOUNTAIN VIEW WOULDN'T LET ME. It is discouraging enough getting a dozen hits a day; it's even more discouraging when these ZILLIONAIRE FREELOADERS SIT ON THEIR DUFFS ALL DAY THINKING OF CASH-IN TIME. I HAVE HAD IT WITH G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER -- and I'm STARTING TO HAVE IT WITH BLOGGING TOO.
"Whether you still believe that Kyoto is based on fuzzy science or is a stealth campaign by other countries to damage US companies, it's time to face reality," Industry Week editor in chief Patricia Panchak wrote recently. "Kyoto likely will affect how you do business no matter where your company is."
Translation: Appeasement feels good.
P. S. Since when is USAOKAY!!!!! called The Christian Science Monitor? IS GanNETt planning another gas-spouting global-warming acquisition?
Translation: Appeasement feels good.
P. S. Since when is USAOKAY!!!!! called The Christian Science Monitor? IS GanNETt planning another gas-spouting global-warming acquisition?
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Somebody says...
Cancel the Oscars because the movies stink.
That's not just my opinion, it's what we all think and the numbers prove it.
Twelve days from now, Hollywood will convene for its annual orgy of self-congratulation, but it's getting harder and harder to justify the celebration. While the Academy may find a prize-worthy picture or two, the movies overall are increasingly reliant on big openings and mass marketing to force feed the audience. That audience is walking away unhappy, which is evident from poor word-of-mouth.
Somebody says WHAT????????????????????????
This guy will NEVER write for USA OKAY!!!!!, and he'll never be a HOUND DOG like ELVIS, but it's refreshing to hear someone say MOVIES STINK when NO ONE ELSE DOES.
Cancel the Oscars because the movies stink.
That's not just my opinion, it's what we all think and the numbers prove it.
Twelve days from now, Hollywood will convene for its annual orgy of self-congratulation, but it's getting harder and harder to justify the celebration. While the Academy may find a prize-worthy picture or two, the movies overall are increasingly reliant on big openings and mass marketing to force feed the audience. That audience is walking away unhappy, which is evident from poor word-of-mouth.
Somebody says WHAT????????????????????????
This guy will NEVER write for USA OKAY!!!!!, and he'll never be a HOUND DOG like ELVIS, but it's refreshing to hear someone say MOVIES STINK when NO ONE ELSE DOES.
I have been having trouble ALL DAY getting through to the CLEM KADIDDLEHOPPERS sitting MIDAS-LIKE in MOUNTAIN VIEW on their PAPER FORTUNES. Once again these JERKS do the least they can for their peons. After a brief flurry of activity in December -- some Wall Street sales...ANALYST may have threatened to write a not-so-gushing sales pitch -- G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER is back to being the SOFTWARE EQUIVALENT OF A PAPERWEIGHT. And these people have NO REASON TO GIVE A DAMN AS THEY'RE ZILLIONAIRES. Why don't the FRAUDS CUT THE COMEDY and PUT AN END TO THEIR BLOGGING LOSS LEADER?
Buffett, Soros Increase Their Comcast, Time Warner Cable Stakes
Good going, YOUR HOLINESSES. Now people will think there's a PLOT to raise their rates.
WE DEMAND A CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION!
Good going, YOUR HOLINESSES. Now people will think there's a PLOT to raise their rates.
WE DEMAND A CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION!
NEWS HACKS and LIBERALS will chortle all day -- although heaven knows Alan Keyes needs no help going down in flames -- but with Mister SHANLEY being sentenced today, and WACKO going to an emergency room, I don't think we should chortle TOO much.
KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! Arthur Miller's death has become a KNEE-JERK THING. ON THE LEFT, E. J., one of the most tiresome columnists of any stripe, calls the late playwright courageous, and as we know from reading too many predictable op-edders, praise like this is usually self-directed. ON THE RIGHT, Terry Teachout, writing for THE WALL STREET JOURNALS CONSERVATIVE EDITION'S FREELOADERS REVIEW, says Miller was bad, presumably because he was -- LIBERAL, and while I respect and admire Mr. Teachout he's done the well-it's-my-employer-so-I'll-parrot-its-politics shtick before. That said, I am more inclined to believe Mr. Teachout, in part because 10,000 NEWS HACKS said the same things about Arthur Miller last week, in part because the only things E. J. reads are his own columns.
I stick by my obituary.
I stick by my obituary.
A STUDY says the local TV DO's don't devote enough time to local politics on their POLICE BLOTTERS, surprise. BUT...
It's being released in Washington at a news conference with Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz.
Maybe he's mad because the DOs don't devote enough time to HIM.
It's being released in Washington at a news conference with Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz.
Maybe he's mad because the DOs don't devote enough time to HIM.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Another PAPER OF RE-CORD annoyance: it helped someone sell two "rare" Barbie dolls on eBay for over $7,000 each. I'm sure we're all happy for the former owner for this newfound largesse (pfffffffffffft), but is it really the purpose of THE UNIVERSE'S GREATEST PAPER to act as a SHILL?
Three Swedish NHL players accused of rape were suspended for the remainder of the season by their clubs on Monday, two days after being banned from the national team.
Yes, we really do need the GOONS.
Yes, we really do need the GOONS.
It is maddening when a big story breaks at the start of your blogging sojourn, and for reasons of purest sloth you do not comment on it, but I figure if THE CORNER can point out from A WEEK EARLIER that Mme. HEINTZ has reverted to her first married name, I can still comment on a story from this morning. Best thing is, the story requires but a one-word comment:
SYRIA.
SYRIA.
It is customary to laugh at bowling, a sport as much in the past as HOCKEY soon will be, a sport of Lebowskis and Kowalskis, a sport that invented the term lounge before it was done to death, a sport so low-class it made horse racing look good. Cliches all, albeit with a slight dollop of truth. So it is nonetheless sad to learn that Dick Weber, the Perry Como of the sport, has died. He symbolized the time when ABC devoted every Saturday to it, when Chris Schenkel would breathlessly intone every strike and Nelson Burton Jr. would whisperingly analyze every split. Bowling was the comfort food of sport, not very exciting, but it didn't have to be. I miss it.
It turns out THE PAPER OF RE-CORD was writing a two-part obituary for the musical.
The wake will come when the high-school MONTY PYTHON show opens to Ben "The Greatest Musical of All Time" Brantley's rave.
The wake will come when the high-school MONTY PYTHON show opens to Ben "The Greatest Musical of All Time" Brantley's rave.
This is -- WEIRD:
[I]t does not speak well of CNN that it apparently allowed itself to be stampeded by this Internet and talk-show crew. Of course the network must be responsive to its audience and ratings. But it has other obligations, too, chief among them to show the good judgment and sense of proportion that distinguishes professional journalism from the enthusiasms and vendettas of amateurs.
You mean something's a vendetta even when it takes OUR side?
I guess tribal loyalties tell out in the end.
[I]t does not speak well of CNN that it apparently allowed itself to be stampeded by this Internet and talk-show crew. Of course the network must be responsive to its audience and ratings. But it has other obligations, too, chief among them to show the good judgment and sense of proportion that distinguishes professional journalism from the enthusiasms and vendettas of amateurs.
You mean something's a vendetta even when it takes OUR side?
I guess tribal loyalties tell out in the end.
Bloggers have -- pangs of CONSCIENCE.
Hey STERNO! Where were you when you proclaimed blogging THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD?
Hey STERNO! Where were you when you proclaimed blogging THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD?
"It's shocking that it happened," Ulster Town Supervisor Fred Wadnola said. "But I guess that's the way our society is going today."
Meaning: 1. Let's shrug our shoulders and accept psychopathy as a way of life; or 2. Let's turn the other way, which means in time we're in a permanent state of turning the other way.
Meaning: 1. Let's shrug our shoulders and accept psychopathy as a way of life; or 2. Let's turn the other way, which means in time we're in a permanent state of turning the other way.
OoooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooh, Chuck Grassley says THE DREADED T-WORD.
Bush knows that "personal accounts will not solve the problem," Grassley said, adding that "there are 100 moving parts" to Social Security reform.
Two questions: 1. If Dubya knows this, why is he proposing them?, and 2. How many moving parts can you guys seize up, Chuck?
Bush knows that "personal accounts will not solve the problem," Grassley said, adding that "there are 100 moving parts" to Social Security reform.
Two questions: 1. If Dubya knows this, why is he proposing them?, and 2. How many moving parts can you guys seize up, Chuck?
We shouldn't make too much of ol' Ray winning Grammies®. Dead folk have shown up this biz for DECADES.
P. S. At least the TWXSTERS put "genius" in quotes; too often NEWS HACKS DON'T.
P. S. At least the TWXSTERS put "genius" in quotes; too often NEWS HACKS DON'T.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
THANK YOU, TRIB, FOR MAKING THIS AVAILABLE ONLY TO SUBSCRIBERS:
The blast of R&B/hip-hop talent now dominating pop could make Berry Gordy see stars. In fact, he loves it.
Leaving aside this is ROBERT "OVER THE" HILBURN, it figures a NEWS HACK would quote gushingly of Berry. Berry, it is safe to say, was not a nice guy at Motown. But LEGENDARY WELCH wasn't nice either, and he was a NEWS HACK hero. It is not a long hip-hop-and-skip between calling a not-so-nice guy nice and launching into the LEGENDARY gag. I'm really not interested in what this exploiter of talent thinks about [C]RAP, especially when it confirms in us a desire to write ad blurbs until we're 130 -- or (God forbid) FOREVER. Again, THANK YOU, TRIB, FOR MAKING THIS AVAILABLE ONLY TO SUBSCRIBERS.
The blast of R&B/hip-hop talent now dominating pop could make Berry Gordy see stars. In fact, he loves it.
Leaving aside this is ROBERT "OVER THE" HILBURN, it figures a NEWS HACK would quote gushingly of Berry. Berry, it is safe to say, was not a nice guy at Motown. But LEGENDARY WELCH wasn't nice either, and he was a NEWS HACK hero. It is not a long hip-hop-and-skip between calling a not-so-nice guy nice and launching into the LEGENDARY gag. I'm really not interested in what this exploiter of talent thinks about [C]RAP, especially when it confirms in us a desire to write ad blurbs until we're 130 -- or (God forbid) FOREVER. Again, THANK YOU, TRIB, FOR MAKING THIS AVAILABLE ONLY TO SUBSCRIBERS.
Really, I AM tired of mentioning these two slobs: JONAH wrote a cover story about a movie, and just beholding the cover you know he's turned it PC con-SER-va-tive. Meantime when his opposite number THE GLIBERAL mentions Dirty Harry you know he's doing a one-man line dance on his desk in onanistic glee. If all we have to choose from are KNEE-JERK POP-CUL-TYURE WORSHIPPING CON-SER-VA-TIVES and KNEE-JERK POP-CUL-TYURE-WORSHIPPING GLIBERALS, I'd rather not know how to read.
Inventor Kurzweil Aiming to Live Forever
Sorry -- SUMNER beat you to it.
If I were St. Warren I'd be worried; this might cause a POPULATION EXPLOSION...of GEEZERS! On the other hand, He wouldn't have to worry about taking it with Him.
Sorry -- SUMNER beat you to it.
If I were St. Warren I'd be worried; this might cause a POPULATION EXPLOSION...of GEEZERS! On the other hand, He wouldn't have to worry about taking it with Him.
WELL! Here's another guy who knows the meaning of CHEVY CHASE:
Olympic ski champion Bill Johnson was charged with assaulting an officer and resisting arrest after punching a sheriff's deputy in the face during a traffic stop, police said.
Johnson was stopped in his pickup truck Friday by a Multnomah County sheriff's deputy and a suburban Troutdale police officer. When the officers approached, Johnson pulled out his 1984 gold medal and taunted them by saying, "You don't have one of these," police said.
You're lucky you aren't an actor -- it might be difficult to do that with an OSCAR®.
Another of the LIBERALS' fondest hopes was that maybe not so many people voted in Iraq -- that it was A PROPAGANDA PLOY OF RUMMY AND ROVE.
SHUCKS, 8.46 MILLION voted. Oh well, back to banging our heads against the wall. That's what makes us so SMART. (That's what makes US SMART.)
SHUCKS, 8.46 MILLION voted. Oh well, back to banging our heads against the wall. That's what makes us so SMART. (That's what makes US SMART.)
CLINT might like this one -- they've banned LOVE in Saudi Arabia. But then, as Osama tells us, they always did.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!
The CLINTS and the GLIBERALS and all the BRAVE SOULS FOR EUTHANASIA ought to ponder THIS STORY before further MARCHING AS TO WAR.
CLINT's another GENIUS who needs to feel the raw power of the Web. Then again, maybe He already does. "Eastwood euthanasia" search in Google -- 10,400 links. Sorry, CLINT, I think we know how Your Masterpiece ends.
AND SO DOES YOUR EVER-DWINDLING AUDIENCE.
CLINT's another GENIUS who needs to feel the raw power of the Web. Then again, maybe He already does. "Eastwood euthanasia" search in Google -- 10,400 links. Sorry, CLINT, I think we know how Your Masterpiece ends.
AND SO DOES YOUR EVER-DWINDLING AUDIENCE.
Since more people are repeat maso -- "attenders" of musicals, we can gather fewer people are first-timers, meaning more than ever, the theater talks to itself.
OR:
[S]hows need not be great or even good to be loved; greatness may be an impediment. (One doesn't like to consider what kinds of fans would want to see "Assassins" 100 times.)
One doesn't like to consider it, but one considers -- they probably count people at THE PAPER OF RE-CORD.
OR:
[S]hows need not be great or even good to be loved; greatness may be an impediment. (One doesn't like to consider what kinds of fans would want to see "Assassins" 100 times.)
One doesn't like to consider it, but one considers -- they probably count people at THE PAPER OF RE-CORD.
If anyone should have a motto like "The Buck Stops Here" on his desk, it's Mr. Mark -- only it wouldn't be "The Buck Stops Here" (being a world-champion news hack, he's a world-champion buck-passer), but instead, "Remember: What We Don't Spin, We Must Sell!" And thank the Lord God St. Warren PAT KINGSLEY comes to the rescue -- AGAIN:
The Flip Side of 50 Cent
You know the rap superstar's story by now. Ex drug dealer, nine gunshot wounds, kind of a scary guy. We thought there had to be more to it than that—and what do you know?
We know PAT, we KNOW, MR. MARK, he's a GENIUS -- and he has A RECORD TO SELL, so that makes him a DOUBLE GENIUS.
Remember, THREE MILLION IDIOTS SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR MAGAZINE, MR. MARK -- BUT NONE AS IDIOTIC AS THE IDIOTS WHO WRITE AND EDIT IT.
The Flip Side of 50 Cent
You know the rap superstar's story by now. Ex drug dealer, nine gunshot wounds, kind of a scary guy. We thought there had to be more to it than that—and what do you know?
We know PAT, we KNOW, MR. MARK, he's a GENIUS -- and he has A RECORD TO SELL, so that makes him a DOUBLE GENIUS.
Remember, THREE MILLION IDIOTS SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR MAGAZINE, MR. MARK -- BUT NONE AS IDIOTIC AS THE IDIOTS WHO WRITE AND EDIT IT.
Mr. Mark surely thinks himself one of the shrewdest, one of the HIGH-IQest men in the NEWS BIZ. I see him editing the cover story of BLUNDER so that it has three or four ripe paragraphs scattered through a 500,000-word article to fool the RUBES. He pays special attention to the LAST PARAGRAPH, realizing that most of his subscribers (that is, of those who don't use the magazine as coffee-table decoration) will read just that paragraph to get the gist of the piece. SO:
We are simply beating ourselves black and blue. So let's take a breather. Throw out the schedules, turn off the cell phone, cancel the tutors (fire the OT!). Let's spend some real quality time with our families, just talking, hanging out, not doing anything for once. And let ourselves be.
We remember too well how Mr. Mark made the PC-suck-up-to-St.-Warren case that dads should be mommies, so we'll presume ANYTHING and EVERYTHING are in between the FIRST PARAGRAPH and the LAST. We've come to quite a place when we instinctively mistrust ANY news hack just because he IS one, but as the tragic tale of EASON tells us, there are strange and tyrannical thoughts floating through NEWS HACKS' HEADS.
We are simply beating ourselves black and blue. So let's take a breather. Throw out the schedules, turn off the cell phone, cancel the tutors (fire the OT!). Let's spend some real quality time with our families, just talking, hanging out, not doing anything for once. And let ourselves be.
We remember too well how Mr. Mark made the PC-suck-up-to-St.-Warren case that dads should be mommies, so we'll presume ANYTHING and EVERYTHING are in between the FIRST PARAGRAPH and the LAST. We've come to quite a place when we instinctively mistrust ANY news hack just because he IS one, but as the tragic tale of EASON tells us, there are strange and tyrannical thoughts floating through NEWS HACKS' HEADS.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
EXASPERATING:
"There was a lot of resistance from the scientific community because a lot of people had made their careers telling people to eat margarine instead of butter," said Walter Willett, chairman of the Department of Nutrition at the Harvard School of Public Health and one of a handful of medical researchers who have led the fight against trans fat. "When I was a physician in the 1980's, that's what I was telling people to do and unfortunately we were often sending them to their graves prematurely."
These are the same types of know-it-alls who are SURE about every scientific crisis to come down the track, only to have to change their minds when an equal and opposite crisis derails the present one.
"There was a lot of resistance from the scientific community because a lot of people had made their careers telling people to eat margarine instead of butter," said Walter Willett, chairman of the Department of Nutrition at the Harvard School of Public Health and one of a handful of medical researchers who have led the fight against trans fat. "When I was a physician in the 1980's, that's what I was telling people to do and unfortunately we were often sending them to their graves prematurely."
These are the same types of know-it-alls who are SURE about every scientific crisis to come down the track, only to have to change their minds when an equal and opposite crisis derails the present one.
It appears I was wrong about that show about spelling bees; it's become THE THING among the COGNOSCENTI, and its press agents are gassing about a Main Stem run. But I really wish Mr. Teachout would not spoil his reviews by gushing, "Let me pause for a moment so you can go right out and buy tickets...." The late Walter Kerr could run a plug in reviewing My Fair Lady because that was a once-in-a-century phenomenon; but I've a sneaky hunch this NEW THING is cute, with cute and forgettable songs, and somehow I will not put that on the same plane as Prof. Higgins and Miss Doolittle. For my part I've had enough of AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS PLUGGING.
I'm all for cute shows, if cute shows will drive the ENNUI out of our culture; but I really wish our age could do a little better.
I'm all for cute shows, if cute shows will drive the ENNUI out of our culture; but I really wish our age could do a little better.
MICKEY D'S, the politically correct bad-food company, has been shaken down by an "activist" and promises to be a good little boy about trans-fatty acids.
When I hear con-SER-va-tives griping about this sort of thing I think RUSH with that BIG FAT STINKY CIGAR in his mouth. I also think BIG BIZZES have become so PC they would hire PERFESSER CHURCHILL as a consultant.
When I hear con-SER-va-tives griping about this sort of thing I think RUSH with that BIG FAT STINKY CIGAR in his mouth. I also think BIG BIZZES have become so PC they would hire PERFESSER CHURCHILL as a consultant.
Here's another scalp the SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS can wave in the air. It's unfortunate someone must resign a job for opening his mouth, but the latest victim can blame the LORDS OF DAVOS for refusing to release the tape -- and Eason for opening his mouth.
But as we know, any organization founded by TED TURNER does not have much sense to begin with.
Which raises the question: If Eason can lose his job for asserting we were "targeting" reporters in Iraq, why shouldn't that looney-left PERFESSER in Colorado lose his for saying things far more odious -- and quite possibly lying in his CV? If we can't sanction truly obnoxious remarks what moral standing do we have to sanction anything?
But as we know, any organization founded by TED TURNER does not have much sense to begin with.
Which raises the question: If Eason can lose his job for asserting we were "targeting" reporters in Iraq, why shouldn't that looney-left PERFESSER in Colorado lose his for saying things far more odious -- and quite possibly lying in his CV? If we can't sanction truly obnoxious remarks what moral standing do we have to sanction anything?
Friday, February 11, 2005
The CLEM KADIDDLEHOPPERS OF MOUNTAIN VIEW, celebrating the HUGE GAINS IN THEIR STOCK, have deployed THREE NEW FEATURES IN G000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER:
1. They added whatisits to the URLs, presumably to make G000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER more easily break down;
2. You can't sign in on the Address bar if you've already logged in, so if you're unwary enough in order to post you now have to repeatedly sign in;
3. When you click on your posts in the "Edit Posts" mode under "Post Title" (hint hint) you get "Loading..." -- and if you're lucky the screen may keep on loading.
But shucks, they did do one thing right: they finally made it unneccessary to edit the TIME when you post between NOON and 1 P.M. Someone will be FIRED for this!
1. They added whatisits to the URLs, presumably to make G000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER more easily break down;
2. You can't sign in on the Address bar if you've already logged in, so if you're unwary enough in order to post you now have to repeatedly sign in;
3. When you click on your posts in the "Edit Posts" mode under "Post Title" (hint hint) you get "Loading..." -- and if you're lucky the screen may keep on loading.
But shucks, they did do one thing right: they finally made it unneccessary to edit the TIME when you post between NOON and 1 P.M. Someone will be FIRED for this!
Baby tossing was hoax, sheriff says; mom hospitalized
NEWS HACKS must really count to TEN before they RUN stuff like this, but too often they count to 0.00000000000000001.
NEWS HACKS must really count to TEN before they RUN stuff like this, but too often they count to 0.00000000000000001.
OH oh....
Dean ready to lead Democrats
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Dean ready to lead Democrats
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Gossip begins on Camilla Parker Bowles' wedding ring
I guess that means the story's entered WACKO JACKO territory too.
Figures this site (linked on G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000gle News) brought on three POP-UPS.
I guess that means the story's entered WACKO JACKO territory too.
Figures this site (linked on G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000gle News) brought on three POP-UPS.
Anna Wintour is one of those media megalomaniacs of whom you wish you could say, "Who?"
In time, belches like this to the contrary, that may not be difficult.
In time, belches like this to the contrary, that may not be difficult.
John Edwards, trying out possible 2008 presidential campaign themes before an audience of party faithful on Friday, rejected any suggestion that "Democrats don't stand for anything.''
"It's time to build the America we all believe in,'' said Edwards, renewing his vice presidential campaign theme of two Americas, one rich and one poor.
Somehow the three little pigs come to mind here. So does huffing and puffing. So does hot air.
"It's time to build the America we all believe in,'' said Edwards, renewing his vice presidential campaign theme of two Americas, one rich and one poor.
Somehow the three little pigs come to mind here. So does huffing and puffing. So does hot air.
My local neighborhood formerly-salsa-playing, premature-ejaculation-discussing MICKEY D's has DONE IT AGAIN -- this time with tray liners for
THE FLYERS' SKATE ZONE!!!!!
LET'S GO FLYERS! (CLAP! CLAP! CLAPCLAPCLAP!)
LET'S GO FLYERS! (CLAP! CLAP! CLAPCLAPCLAP!)
That shouldn't be too hard.
One other thing: when the MICK's counterlady gave me the wrong item she threw the offending mistake into the trash. How much food does MICKEY D'S waste in a year? I wonder if those ever-upward numbers are as much a figment as anything in BERNIE EBBERS'S HEAD.
THE FLYERS' SKATE ZONE!!!!!
LET'S GO FLYERS! (CLAP! CLAP! CLAPCLAPCLAP!)
LET'S GO FLYERS! (CLAP! CLAP! CLAPCLAPCLAP!)
That shouldn't be too hard.
One other thing: when the MICK's counterlady gave me the wrong item she threw the offending mistake into the trash. How much food does MICKEY D'S waste in a year? I wonder if those ever-upward numbers are as much a figment as anything in BERNIE EBBERS'S HEAD.
The playwright Arthur Miller has died. He will be remembered for plays in which ordinary people screamed at the top of their lungs, and for marrying Marilyn. RIP.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww:
With 20 million listeners, he is America's most-listened-to demagogue. And me -- I'm doing a show about him at a 100-seat theater in the Mission District. (I'm not sure whether my Limbaugh jokes are better than his, but I think I do his voice better than he does.)
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
With 20 million listeners, he is America's most-listened-to demagogue. And me -- I'm doing a show about him at a 100-seat theater in the Mission District. (I'm not sure whether my Limbaugh jokes are better than his, but I think I do his voice better than he does.)
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
This story and this story (and quite possibly this story too) are more than tangentially related. They speak to the contempt professional sportsmeisters have for their audience, and why all sports deserve the economic equivalent of a kick in the head.
I can live very well without SELIGISM and the National Hoodlums' League, thank you.
I can live very well without SELIGISM and the National Hoodlums' League, thank you.
Today I don't seem capable of saying anything, as if I ever say anything worthwhile. Perhaps the grind of typing forgettable witticisms to an audience of three servers and a drunk is wearing me down. Perhaps the notion -- and I wish I could find where on the Web I saw this -- that bloggers are capable of little more than sarcasms and cynicism has gotten to me. But an age is hardly noble that has Dubyas for leaders and DONALDS as heroes, and all manner of fifth-rate egomaniacs providing its "art." Perhaps it's the weather -- gray and gloomy as I feel now. I wish there were something better than blogging to nobody, but for the moment, it's all I have.
Con-SER-va-tive Alert: Wal-Mart wants in in the Big Apple -- and THE USUAL SUSPECTS WON'T LET IT!
No one save con-SER-va-tives can deny Wal-Mart hurts small retail businesses. But lack of unions isn't a good enough reason to keep it out.
No one save con-SER-va-tives can deny Wal-Mart hurts small retail businesses. But lack of unions isn't a good enough reason to keep it out.