Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED: I know more than you. I make lots more money than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexier than you. I appear on TV all the time. I work ten minutes a day. I rule the universe. I'm going to live forever. You are an idiot. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2: A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3: I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity. --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4: News isn't news when we don't report it. PERMALINKS: THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE! Blogroll Me! |
Monday, February 28, 2005
Posted
5:26 PM
by Gene
I don't know whether this is dense or merely reflects his future.
Posted
5:03 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:58 PM
by Gene
What's the difference between a weatherman and an economist? Come to think of it, it may not need a punchline.
Posted
1:35 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:03 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:54 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:46 AM
by Gene
WON'T WORK, LORD GOD PINCH, so long as YOU'RE GOD and THE PAPER OF RE-CORD IS YOUR WORD.
Posted
9:09 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:02 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:14 AM
by Gene
Imagine, if you can, a movie about two unattractive, gross women slobs going on a week-long spree and ending up with Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck. Imagine that becoming a hit, nominated for five Academy Awards, acclaimed by critics. Wait, don't even try. It ain't gonna happen. "Sideways," the low-budget Oscar contender, is a guys' movie that celebrates a certain cultural fantasy: Set off on a drinking-carousing-debauching adventure for a week with your buddy, seduce two great-looking girls and then dump them and go home. What fun! The reviews were fabulous, and then Charles Krauthammer wrote a whole column about it on the op-ed page, calling it "sublime . . . intelligent . . . clever, funny, moving." He concluded, "Trust me on this one. See it." I did. I hated it. And it wasn't just me. Most of the women I know feel the same way. We don't trust you, Chuck. We're not so sure we trust a woman writer on a story about the divide between the sexes, either. Come to think of it, we're not so sure we trust any NEWS HACK on the movies. It's all about SELLING.
Posted
6:43 AM
by Gene
John Leo! You just wrote THE GLIBERAL's biography!
Posted
6:38 AM
by Gene
Prince gives the best song. Well, no "Singin' in the Rains" here. They gave the Oscar to the song from The Motorcycles Dairies. MoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Posted
6:30 AM
by Gene
GOOD LUCK.
Posted
6:27 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
Join the crowd. CAVEAT: This is from an article by KEN FELATTA, so God knows what they REALLY said to him. Sunday, February 27, 2005
Posted
1:54 PM
by Gene
Somewhere, Henry Luce is laughing.
Posted
1:50 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:02 PM
by Gene
Nothing if you ask the likes of SUMNER.
Posted
11:54 AM
by Gene
Please guy, don't tell us your PRINCIPAL EMPLOYER had NOTHING to do with THIS. Then again, how do you explain Mike Lupica?
Posted
11:43 AM
by Gene
No less a bellwether is the decision of Adelphia, a cable giant known for its refusal to traffic in erotica, to change its image radically now that its moralistic founder and former C.E.O., John Rigas, has been convicted of looting the company. Time to reach for THE SKEPTIC: It is this vast and militant ignorance, this wide-spread and fathomless prejudice against intelligence, that makes American journalism so pathetically feeble and vulgar, and so generally disreputable.
Posted
11:41 AM
by Gene
You wonder if Dubya would have been better off staying home.
Posted
11:39 AM
by Gene
Excellent, that is, unless you're a NEWS HACK.
Posted
11:28 AM
by Gene
By dint of railing at idiots, one runs the risk of being idiotic himself. I wonder if Menck wasn't the first blogger, screaming bloody murder and having little left of his reputation but a few unread scholarly works. In that he differs almost none from SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS except Menck didn't have a computer. (He did have a typewriter, an ancient version thereof.) There was also this line, at book's end, from Pride and Prejudice: I hope I never ridicule what is wise or good. Every blogger should take that advice. Saturday, February 26, 2005
Posted
5:12 PM
by Gene
P. S. This is from NIGHTLINE. We can guess what LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNDOM's favorite music is: the BOSS -- and THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE.
Posted
4:41 PM
by Gene
The JACKASSES have heard the news. Hey MORONS! I wouldn't sit on that stale candy too long -- DICK GEPHARDT ISN'T SELLING.
Posted
4:22 PM
by Gene
Are we sure that was such a good idea letting him in?
Posted
4:04 PM
by Gene
An Indian teenager from one of the country's most backward states appears to have fooled governments, the media and even the president into believing he had topped the world in a NASA science exam. In a country hungry for international recognition, 17-year-old Saurabh Singh was feted as a national hero after announcing he had won NASA's International Scientist Discovery examination, which he said he took at Oxford University. The Uttar Pradesh state government rewarded him with a 500,000 rupee ($11,500) prize and more than 100 members of the state's upper house each donated a day's salary to him.... [His] certificate, a copy of which was obtained by Reuters, declared "You are the member of NASA" (sic) and is signed by Singh and "Chief of NASA, Cin K. Kif" -- NASA's former administrator was Sean O'Keefe. It also lists the name of Singh's father, common practice in Indian documents. Well, he does have a future in PHISHING.
Posted
3:59 PM
by Gene
1. At some stores you have to show PHOTO ID to use a CREDIT CARD; and 2. The cashier doesn't say "thank you" after completing the sale. LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUV you, CVS!
Posted
12:58 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:27 PM
by Gene
Should such a story REALLY appear in THE PAPER OF RE-CORD?
Posted
8:28 AM
by Gene
Like a capo asking for election reforms for the next capo. Let us not forget how this capo got into the league of heads of state -- through an assassination. (Better hed: Mubarak orders election reform)
Posted
8:23 AM
by Gene
Nice to know your big local fee collector can do something like that -- sort of like the federal government. Friday, February 25, 2005
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
John Swansburg is a senior editor at Legal Affairs magazine. ENOUGH ABOUT THE OSCARS®!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
4:52 PM
by Gene
In no realm of society do we have more CLASS ACTS that in the ATTITUDE BIZ of SPORTS. The wizards of scribbling can take an essential nothing like MJ and make him irreplaceable as the universe. For years JOHN CHANEY was such an immortal; he had thousands of flacks proclaiming forever he was a CLASS ACT in professional college basketball, perhaps not the flattery the hacks intended it to be. While still a coach he had the FLOOR of his home court named for him -- a foolish presumption he was as good as the gift, but then foolishness and college reside in unholy matrimony. What this CLASS ACT did the other night was not very worthy of a CLASS ACT, but it fit in quite well in the fantasy world of Vitaledom, where jerks can do anything to win and have a human foghorn yell AWWWWWWWWWESOME, BABY, and soon after feign shock at the corruption. The only solace to this story is that it is highly unlikely anyone will ever call JOHN CHANEY a CLASS ACT again, but let us never underestimate the venality of SPORTS TYPISTS. I have amended THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.
Posted
3:25 PM
by Gene
Curtis Edmonds: Christo’s art is conservative. 02/25 9:55 a.m. So what does that make Hilton Kramer? A COMMIE? John Meroney: Howard Hughes was a determined anti-Communist. 02/25 3:14 p.m. He was also a determined grower of fingernails and collector of bottles with his own bodily fluids.
Posted
2:25 PM
by Gene
: MediaWeek reports on a survey of Stern fans to find out how many are planning to make the switch. 22 percent said they are definitely getting Sirius; 41 percent were still deciding. IF THOSE NUMBERS WORK OUT, THE DEAL WORKS WELL FOR SIRIUS AND STERN!!! HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! Unfortunately, Billboard's writer takes a slightly DIFFERENT look -- in the following graf: When asked if they knew what it cost to subscribe to Sirius, almost half (49 percent) of the listeners weren't aware of the $12.99 fee, compared to 39 percent who were. When told that they would have to pay for hardware and a monthly subscription fee, only 7 percent said they would subscribe to Sirius, while 44 percent said they wouldn't. Half were undecided. Congratulations, STERNO. You've done what I knew from the POWER LINE clowns most SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS had in them -- an ability to SPIN as fast and furiously as any NEWS HACK. You've also made me do what I've never done before: ACTIVELY MISTRUST A BLOGGER. I've been reading less and less of you market-leading morons for weeks; this only CINCHES it.
Posted
2:18 PM
by Gene
GOD!!! STERNO!!!! GLIBERAL!!!!!
Posted
1:51 PM
by Gene
WILLFULL CORPORATE IGNORANCE MOVES TO A HIGHER ROAD -- er, PLANE!
Posted
10:50 AM
by Gene
MOVIES WILL NEVER GET BETTER SO LONG AS THE HACKS WHO TOADY AND RAVE UNTIL HELL FREEZES OVER SCRIBBLE WITH JACKBOOTS ON.
Posted
10:41 AM
by Gene
ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE RAG. WHERE do you FIND these things, ROMY? In a DUMPSTER?
Posted
9:08 AM
by Gene
Well put -- especially THE LATTER. Even if I agree with Rich, which I do with alarming regularity.... See your doctor, Hans. By the way -- what IS The Rake? Oh. It's an ALTERNATIVE RAG. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!
Posted
9:05 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:47 AM
by Gene
Such STENOGRAPHY explains why NEWSPAPERS ARE NO LONGER WORTH PAYING FOR.
Posted
6:43 AM
by Gene
Okay HACKS, time for your BEST Yosemite Sam routine: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
6:34 AM
by Gene
The operation seemed likely to intensify questions about John Paul II's ability to continue to lead the church. So! The time has come to push the Pope right on outta there. I know! Let's appoint our own Pope: Andrew I -- as in Greeley! He'd be the first Pope to take his orders from a REAL God. By faith in THE PAPER OF RE-CORD are ye saved!
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
Honestly R., between this and your REAGAN gags you CAN be annoying. P. S. I know, I KNOW, R. didn't WRITE it, but as with THE PAPER OF RE-CORD I see no difference between the people who run the joint and those who write in its name. Thursday, February 24, 2005
Posted
5:37 PM
by Gene
Though John Paul addresses the "Internet," the Latin word for blogging has not yet been invented. I believe His Holiness has more pressing matters on his mind.
Posted
5:14 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:09 PM
by Gene
![]() Because they're both LOUDMOUTHS? (A brief-as-possible glance at the last graf reveals this is typically TOENAIL.COM ironic -- meaning I'm right.)
Posted
3:31 PM
by Gene
The world should brace itself for the coming of a whiff of white smoke.
Posted
3:15 PM
by Gene
HOW ABOUT BOTH?
Posted
1:16 PM
by Gene
Jack William Pacheco has more copies of this week's edition of The Chowchilla News than he'll ever need. The 35-year-old Chowchilla resident went around town Wednesday morning and purchased every copy he could in an attempt to suppress news of his arrest for alleged methamphetamine possession. "I have a whole garage full of newspapers," he said. And now THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS WHO YOU ARE -- thanks to ROMY.
Posted
1:09 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:18 AM
by Gene
Well, anything beats bugs in the doughnuts.
Posted
9:07 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:58 AM
by Gene
Deaf people have never had it so good.
Posted
8:49 AM
by Gene
"What's wrong with Pauley? Nothing that good teams won't change. I've generally found that good players and good coaching guarantee a good atmosphere. There is no place on earth like Pauley Pavilion because of those championship banners. It's like the Boston Garden. Everybody complained about the old locker rooms and bathrooms, but everybody wanted to play at Boston Garden." When Walton was reminded the old Garden is gone, razed to build a fancy, new place, Walton muttered, "And how many championships have the Celtics won in the new place?" The answer is none.
Posted
8:32 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:30 AM
by Gene
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A MAN USING A FAKE NAME, WITH DUBIOUS JOURNALISM CREDENTIALS, WAS ABLE TO CLEAR THE WHITE HOUSE’S EXTENSIVE SECURITY SCREENING PROCESS AND GAIN SUCH CLOSE ACCESS TO YOU AND YOUR STAFF FOR SUCH AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME??? HAVE THERE BEEN OTHER, SIMILAR BREACHES OF SECURITY AND JOURNALISM STANDARDS????? WE APPRECIATE YOUR PROMPT ATTENTION TO THIS IMPORTANT MATTER!!! WE URGE YOU TO ORDER A FULL INQUIRY SO THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE KNOW THE FACTS!!!!! I think Dubya should order a full inquiry of Congress myself. Love your reporting, SHTROOOOP. You quote FOUR DEMOCRATS and ZERO REPUBLICANS. That's FAIRNESS.
Posted
8:29 AM
by Gene
He has only to search his MOUTH. Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Posted
5:34 PM
by Gene
There is...a powerful economic reason that movies aren't very good anymore: They don't have to be. Edward Jay Epstein's book, sadly, sounds like a variation of BISKINDISM -- the SYSTEM is responsible, therefore NO ONE is responsible -- therefore MOVIES WILL CONTINUE TO STINK.
Posted
4:58 PM
by Gene
Hot off Gap ads and Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker will produce and star in the adaptation of Maria de los Santos’s Love Walked In, to be published by Dutton in December ’05. The story follows a 31-year-old café manager in Philadelphia who becomes attached to the 11-year-old daughter of her new beau. Paramount bought the rights in a pre-empt. Michael London and Parker will co-produce. Reese Witherspoon is set to produce and star in Universal’s London Is the Best City in America—about a woman who dumps her fiancé and proceeds to work in a bait shop and produce a documentary about the wives of fishermen—to be adapted by Gwyn Lurie from Laura Dave’s novel. Mandalay Pictures and Type A’s Witherspoon & Jennifer Simpson will produce. Matthew McConaughey and Penélope Cruz lead Ascendant Pictures’ adaptation of Joe Coomer’s novel The Loop, in which lonely highway patrolman McConaughey is inspired to search for his long-lost parents after meeting sexy librarian Cruz. (Cruz has also played a sexy nun, in Almodóvar’s 2002 All About My Mother.) S.R. Bindler will write and direct, and will be joined by producers McConaughey, Mark Gustawes, Bruce Heller, David Koplan, Gus Gustawes and Chris Roberts. In short: ANOTHER argument for aliteracy.
Posted
11:46 AM
by Gene
WRITTEN MINISTERIAL STATEMENT Department for Constitutional Affairs The Marriage between HRH The Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles The Lord Chancellor: "In the light of recent interest in the law surrounding Royal marriages, I am making this statement to set out in more detail the view that has been taken by the Government on the lawfulness of the proposed marriage between the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles. "The Government is satisfied that it is lawful for the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles, like anyone else, to marry by a civil ceremony in accordance with Part III of the Marriage Act 1949. "Civil marriages were introduced in England by the Marriage Act 1836. Section 45 said that the Act: '… shall not extend to the marriage of any of the Royal Family'. "But the provisions on civil marriage in the 1836 Act were repealed by the Marriage Act 1949. All remaining parts of the 1836 Act, including section 45, were repealed by the Registration Service Act 1953. No part of the 1836 Act therefore remains on the statute book. "The Marriage Act 1949 re-enacted and re-stated the law on marriage in England and Wales. The Act covered both marriage by Church of England rite, and civil marriage. It did not repeat the language of section 45 of the 1836 Act. Instead, section 79(5) of the 1949 Act says that: 'Nothing in this Act shall affect any law or custom relating to the marriage of members of the Royal Family.' "The change of wording is important, and the significance is not undermined by the fact that the 1949 Act is described as a consolidation Act. The interpretation of any Act of Parliament, even when it consolidates previous legislation, must be based on the words used in the Act itself, not different words used in the previous legislation. "In our view, section 79(5) of the 1949 Act preserves ancient procedures applying to Royal marriages, for example the availability of customary forms of marriage and registration. It also preserves the effect of the Royal Marriages Act 1772, which requires the Sovereign's consent for certain marriages. But it does not have the effect of excluding Royal marriages from the scope of Part III, which provides for civil ceremonies. As the heading to section 79 indicates ("Repeals and savings") it is a saving, not an exclusion. "We are aware that different views have been taken in the past; but we consider that these were over-cautious, and we are clear that the interpretation I have set out in this statement is correct. We also note that the Human Rights Act has since 2000 required legislation to be interpreted wherever possible in a way that is compatible with the right to marry (article 12) and with the right to enjoy that right without discrimination (article 14). This, in our view, puts the modern meaning of the 1949 Act beyond doubt."
Posted
11:37 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:28 AM
by Gene
EH? Hey PAUL! Maybe you can use all those unemployed GOONS.
Posted
11:14 AM
by Gene
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, all that money that won't go into LUXURY BOXES -- and the wallets of GOONS.
Posted
11:03 AM
by Gene
jflint writes "Here is a site with over 80 screenshots (claiming more to come) that shows the story line of the upcoming Star Wars Episode 3. Some of the screenshots have French subtitles in them." These shots -- especially the space battle scenes -- certainly make it look more worthwhile than the two prior episodes. GEORGE!! GET OUT THE IPO!!!!!
Posted
10:59 AM
by Gene
Jon Friedman has quickly established himself as the Mr. CW of Media News. Here's betting he winds up at BLUNDER -- or USAOKAY!!!!!
Posted
10:54 AM
by Gene
On the charge of liberal bias, Sulzberger laughed. "I hear more complaints that the newspaper is in the pocket of the Bush administration than that it is too liberal," he said. Maybe You should stop having stroke-feigning contests with THE GLIBERAL.
Posted
6:37 AM
by Gene
Hugh Hart, you're this week's winner of the NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD. Well whadya know -- the toady has HIS OWN WEB SITE -- ON-LINE RESUME -- AND CV! Looks like he's more than ready to NEUHARTH BIG TIME!
Posted
6:29 AM
by Gene
OoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooh, does that mean the next time a CEO's on his show he MAY ask a TOUGH QUESTION?
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:20 AM
by Gene
Go on as usual, being the once-and-future prince -- er, the future KING. Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:01 PM
by Gene
That John Kerry nearly beat Dubya is proof enough.
Posted
4:57 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:21 PM
by Gene
If you want to send a message, use THE PAPER OF RE-CORD.
Posted
12:23 PM
by Gene
Flacks will be flacks.
Posted
11:50 AM
by Gene
Why should they? They don't seem to care about anything else.
Posted
9:14 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:10 AM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: IT'S STILL FIVE ARTHOUSE DOGS -- AND YOU'LL STILL GET RECORD LOW RATINGS.
Posted
8:55 AM
by Gene
"We were live on a Saturday night, and in the first 15 minutes, 42 of the contestants exited stage left," McMaster said. "That doesn't really help us when America wants to get to know everyone. "That's what it's really all about — getting to know the ladies more than just the 10 final contestants," he said. "We have to show their backgrounds, their strengths, their fears and ambitions, so there's a connection between the TV set and America. "We want to move into the reality world and have four to six lead-in shows to get to know the contestants. "But that's definitely up to the networks. We've thrown it out to them that we're interested." TRANSLATION: WHERE'S THE CYANIDE?????
Posted
8:27 AM
by Gene
I think there was a reason G.B. made you a CARTOON CHARACTER, Hunt. Meantime NEWS HACKS are doing AN AWFUL LOT OF MOURNING for ONE OF THEIR OWN, but if they didn't they wouldn't be NEWS HACKS.
Posted
8:21 AM
by Gene
I think it's time to remind some people that bloggers aren't a race or a religion....[I]t increasingly seems that bloggers, as a group, don't like criticism period. I think STERNO ought to demand a ten-percent tithe myself.
Posted
6:53 AM
by Gene
Hey, that's how the PORNMEISTERS get their AUDIENCE. A good thing, right GLIBERAL?
Posted
6:45 AM
by Gene
Possibly this was an excuse for what this story describes as his myriad health problems; but we've been told this by a "foreign editor" of National Public TalkRadio (BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP), so it must count as definitive.
Posted
6:35 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:23 AM
by Gene
Monday, February 21, 2005
Posted
8:00 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:55 PM
by Gene
Now here's the $64,000 question: will the captive audience pay heed to the commercials? I wonder.
Posted
2:37 PM
by Gene
Nevertheless, the episode did not produce winning ratings for the Fox series, as it came in a distant fourth in the Nielsens with a 5.8/9. ABC won the 8:00 p.m. hour with a 10.3/16 for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The problem with publicity stunts like this is that no matter how hard you try to avoid them, they pop up in your face. And there are many times when it seems the news is full of nothing but such publicity stunts. In the end, as with other acts of table pounding, the public can be trusted to know better, even if their media superiors do not.
Posted
12:28 PM
by Gene
Posted
10:20 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:15 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:11 AM
by Gene
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Posted
12:51 PM
by Gene
As for this something called, uh, "BuzzMachine" -- I don't know why Howard has to use an assumed identity.
Posted
11:32 AM
by Gene
In "Of Thee I Sing," I believe that we discover the happiest and most successful native music-stage lampoon that has thus far come the way of the American theatre. --The critic and editor George Jean Nathan, in a foreword to the first printed edition of the work. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Wintergreen looks out the window, through which is visible the panorama of Washington, with Washington's Monument prominent in the foreground) WINTERGREEN: What a country -- what a country! Jenkins, what monument is that? JENKINS: Grant's Tomb. WINTERGREEN: Oh, yes. Well, what's on the schedule this morning? Ah, here we are! (Takes up some letters) Tell the Secretary of the Navy to scrap two battleships. JENKINS: What? WINTERGREEN: Scrap two and build four. Disarmament. JENKINS: Yes, sir. WINTERGREEN: Cablegram to the President of San Domingo: "Congratulations on beginning your second day in office. That's five I owe you, and will bet you double or nothing on tomorrow." JENKINS: Yes, sir. WINTERGREEN: Tell the Secretary of War to stand ready to collect that bet. JENKINS: Yes, sir. WINTERGREEN: Letter to the Friars' Club, 48th St., New York City. "Dear Brother Friars: Regret very much I cannot take part in this year's minstrel show. Owing to conditions in the South, I do not think it would be wise for me to black up." (Looks through the pile of letters) I get the lousiest mail for a President! --Dialogue from Of Thee I Sing, the first musical to win the P-Ulitzer Prize in Drama. (George Gershwin, who wrote the only good [a VERY good] thing about this show [ditto his brother Ira], did not win a prize, in no small part because the P-Ulitzer judges were tone-deaf.) Walter Duranty DID win a P-Ulitzer that year, for Fiction -- Correspondence. (The above excerpts are from the Library of America's Kaufman & Co.) P. S. from THE MASTER: Our tastes greatly alter. The lad does not care for the child's rattle, and the old man does not care for the young man's whore. The nice thing about being in the NEWS BIZ is you never have to GROW UP.
Posted
11:24 AM
by Gene
The seventh such shakeup in the last three years. But who's counting?
Posted
11:11 AM
by Gene
It probably has nothing to do with having to pay for writers sounding as though they're cribbing off their fellow writers. (He uses the word "hip" too!) And remember -- IT DEFINITELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BIAS.
Posted
9:54 AM
by Gene
Back to the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.
Posted
9:37 AM
by Gene
It doesn't cross your mind that she holds a master's degree from one of the top journalism schools in the nation. Having a MASTERS in JERNALISM is evidence of BRAINS?
Posted
9:18 AM
by Gene
When the Readers Speak Out, Can Anyone Hear Them? The answer, of course, is a resounding NO. To be sure this applies to the whole NEWS BIZ, which has taken such great pride in dismissing the peasants with an arrogant wave of the hand and a thumbing of the nose, and now reaps the rewards for it; but if THE PAPER OF RE-CORD can't hear the complaints even after L'AFFAIRE BLAIR, will it ever hear them? That we are dealing with INSTITUTIONAL DEAFNESS was revealed when THE PAPER OF RE-CORD COMPANY bought the junk property ABOUT.COM for no better reason than that Dow Jones overpaid for a piece of bird droppings in MARKETWATCH. If Pinch is unwilling to listen to the skeptics among His SHAREHOLDERS, why should He listen to MERE READERS?
Posted
8:55 AM
by Gene
One other mode of defense might be for THE GLIBERAL to say, "What are Mia's motives?" That's easily answered: What were the WOODSTER's motives in buggering his adopted daughter? P. S. This story reminds us that for many years because of villains like the WOODSTER, and HOWARD, and THE DONALD, and GEORGE, and the MIDTOWN MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, we held New York in unbridled scorn. Then came 9/11. We should never forget that obscenity; but now, perhaps, the time has come to hold New York in its former scorn again.
Posted
8:41 AM
by Gene
Really, if medical researchers want to do something, they could do worse -- far worse -- than study the brains of BLUNDER'S STAFF. It might not cure AUTISM, but it could hold the key to a cure to MASS STUPIDITY. Saturday, February 19, 2005
Posted
10:13 PM
by Gene
You know a NEWS HACK'S not being fully honest when he/she/it types, "And ESPN won't publicly disclose the winner's starting salary." These are the same TRUTH SEEKERS who kept the ultimate outcome of that ULTRADWEEB on JEOPARDY!!!!! a secret for so many months while simultaneously disclosing 5,000 classified documents about Iraq. MORONS.
Posted
10:12 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:42 PM
by Gene
Well! He can use the proceeds from his LITERARY MASTERPIECE to pay them!
Posted
6:16 PM
by Gene
SAMMY GLICKMAN!!!!! When are you going to something about JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP?????
Posted
10:55 AM
by Gene
Yep, I think I see another TULIP BULB MANIA ahead.
Posted
10:47 AM
by Gene
Somehow I'm...not surprised -- you have to figure a few of HOWARD's sponsors are on the sleazy side -- and it rather does undercut his and STERNO's lie that the MARTYR of RADIO was forging into the satellite biz for FREE EXPRESSION. No, he was doing it strictly for PAY. Of course the MARTYR's next shtick will be to say the SEC's doing the FCC's bidding. From the looks of it I'd say your thousands of toadies are doing ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN's bidding. P. S. Nothing on STERNO's site, nor will there be.
Posted
10:39 AM
by Gene
Besides, we're pretty PC now. Friday, February 18, 2005
Posted
5:42 PM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: How the other half lives. Dubya may attend -- or he may not. Not that he has to. ANSE's proud membership can do a very good supposition.
Posted
5:28 PM
by Gene
LOOKING TO DOUBLE YOUR SHARE PRICE IN A WEEK, CLEM KADIDDLEHOPPERS?
Posted
5:23 PM
by Gene
While the stories of BLATHERGATE and EASON...well, let's just say it took a while before we latched onto those.
Posted
5:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:13 PM
by Gene
Campbell Soup Co., the world's largest soupmaker, reported steady earnings on higher sales for its second fiscal quarter which includes some cold months when soup sales generally rise. Its shares fell more than 3 percent.... A higher cost of producing the products and increased spending on marketing kept profits from rising.
Posted
5:05 PM
by Gene
THAT'S PUTTING IT MILDLY. So what's G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER's solution? Log out and shut down your browser! What happens if you get errors and freeze-ups every time you log on? WHAT'S YOUR LATEST STOCK PRICE?
Posted
9:51 AM
by Gene
You gotta hand it to Grammy winner Kanye West: He thinks outside the box. "These magazines make money from ads and subscriptions," the 27-year-old hip-hop star mused during a recent media brunch in Beverly Hills attended by Daily News contributor Jawn Murray. "But I know that part of what drives subscriptions and ads is who these magazines put on the cover." West continued: "So if you're putting me on the cover and people are buying your magazine because of me, why shouldn't I get paid to be on that cover? You are going to have to pay me to do magazine covers now!" Of course the GENIUS gets it wrong. People who print the rags that would pay to put this IMMORTAL on the cover ought to pay US too -- to READ them.
Posted
8:19 AM
by Gene
We weren't -- and we haven't thought since. Thursday, February 17, 2005
Posted
8:37 PM
by Gene
No, NO, it's too easy.
Posted
8:24 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:32 PM
by Gene
The PARENTS' FAULT claptrap is one reason so many people hate the entertainment biz. It's behind the decreasing ratings and movie box-office. It's behind the increasing contempt for the sister NEWS biz. IT'S BEHIND CONGRESS'S RUSH TO STIFFEN BROADCAST FINES. It's elitist in the worst sense -- zillionaires and their toadies tell ordinary people that if they're raped they should relax and enjoy it. Perhaps, Charlatan of the Sheepskin, people are getting tired of being RAPED. P. S. Belo owns 19 television stations reaching 13.8 percent of U.S. television households, including WFAA-TV in Dallas/Fort Worth, KHOU-TV in Houston, KING-TV in Seattle/Tacoma and KTVK-TV in Phoenix. MORONS.
Posted
6:33 PM
by Gene
That's an insult. For now.
Posted
5:52 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:40 PM
by Gene
Conservative-orgasm alert: Levi's also was the last major jeans maker to manufacture clothes in the United States, putting it a price disadvantage as its rivals shifted operations to low-cost contractors in Latin America and Asia. The competitive pressure prompted Levi's to close all of its U.S factories. Effectiveness-of-annoying-people-on-television alert: The fourth-quarter loss, driven by a sharp increase in advertising expense....
Posted
1:39 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:12 PM
by Gene
They report. And if they're senators, they may welsh on the bill.
Posted
10:42 AM
by Gene
WORKING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Posted
10:40 AM
by Gene
Anything to reduce the deficit. How patriotic of you, RONALD!
Posted
10:36 AM
by Gene
How many cents to the dollar on your BAD fast food go to this stunt, Oak Brookers? Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Posted
6:01 PM
by Gene
Claim: Editors' sin is that they aren't as funny as Mel Brooks Who says he's funny? Now we know why the hacks run COMIC STRIPS.
Posted
5:32 PM
by Gene
An executive quitting under pressure won't cut it.
Posted
5:28 PM
by Gene
This seems hard to believe as one would think the FRENCHIES' long record of APPEASEMENT would INOCULATE them.
Posted
5:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
10:05 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:26 AM
by Gene
Translation: Appeasement feels good. P. S. Since when is USAOKAY!!!!! called The Christian Science Monitor? IS GanNETt planning another gas-spouting global-warming acquisition? Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Posted
5:39 PM
by Gene
Cancel the Oscars because the movies stink. That's not just my opinion, it's what we all think and the numbers prove it. Twelve days from now, Hollywood will convene for its annual orgy of self-congratulation, but it's getting harder and harder to justify the celebration. While the Academy may find a prize-worthy picture or two, the movies overall are increasingly reliant on big openings and mass marketing to force feed the audience. That audience is walking away unhappy, which is evident from poor word-of-mouth. Somebody says WHAT???????????????????????? This guy will NEVER write for USA OKAY!!!!!, and he'll never be a HOUND DOG like ELVIS, but it's refreshing to hear someone say MOVIES STINK when NO ONE ELSE DOES.
Posted
5:27 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:14 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:30 PM
by Gene
Good going, YOUR HOLINESSES. Now people will think there's a PLOT to raise their rates. WE DEMAND A CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION!
Posted
1:26 PM
by Gene
He STILL ain't nothin' but a HOUND DOG.
Posted
1:26 PM
by Gene
All that boarding and high-sticking and cross-checking and FIGHTING appears to have relieved the GOONS of their GRAY MATTER.
Posted
12:12 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:58 AM
by Gene
Why was he so well regarded in the first place?
Posted
9:45 AM
by Gene
I stick by my obituary.
Posted
6:45 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:28 AM
by Gene
It's being released in Washington at a news conference with Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz. Maybe he's mad because the DOs don't devote enough time to HIM. Monday, February 14, 2005
Posted
5:38 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:32 PM
by Gene
Yes, we really do need the GOONS.
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Back to the conspiracy-theory drawing board.
Posted
5:14 PM
by Gene
SYRIA.
Posted
5:07 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:01 PM
by Gene
The wake will come when the high-school MONTY PYTHON show opens to Ben "The Greatest Musical of All Time" Brantley's rave.
Posted
11:10 AM
by Gene
[I]t does not speak well of CNN that it apparently allowed itself to be stampeded by this Internet and talk-show crew. Of course the network must be responsive to its audience and ratings. But it has other obligations, too, chief among them to show the good judgment and sense of proportion that distinguishes professional journalism from the enthusiasms and vendettas of amateurs. You mean something's a vendetta even when it takes OUR side? I guess tribal loyalties tell out in the end.
Posted
8:28 AM
by Gene
Hey STERNO! Where were you when you proclaimed blogging THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD?
Posted
8:09 AM
by Gene
Meaning: 1. Let's shrug our shoulders and accept psychopathy as a way of life; or 2. Let's turn the other way, which means in time we're in a permanent state of turning the other way.
Posted
6:42 AM
by Gene
Pinch, You really MUST stop boasting.
Posted
6:39 AM
by Gene
Bush knows that "personal accounts will not solve the problem," Grassley said, adding that "there are 100 moving parts" to Social Security reform. Two questions: 1. If Dubya knows this, why is he proposing them?, and 2. How many moving parts can you guys seize up, Chuck?
Posted
6:28 AM
by Gene
P. S. At least the TWXSTERS put "genius" in quotes; too often NEWS HACKS DON'T.
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Posted
3:29 PM
by Gene
The blast of R&B/hip-hop talent now dominating pop could make Berry Gordy see stars. In fact, he loves it. Leaving aside this is ROBERT "OVER THE" HILBURN, it figures a NEWS HACK would quote gushingly of Berry. Berry, it is safe to say, was not a nice guy at Motown. But LEGENDARY WELCH wasn't nice either, and he was a NEWS HACK hero. It is not a long hip-hop-and-skip between calling a not-so-nice guy nice and launching into the LEGENDARY gag. I'm really not interested in what this exploiter of talent thinks about [C]RAP, especially when it confirms in us a desire to write ad blurbs until we're 130 -- or (God forbid) FOREVER. Again, THANK YOU, TRIB, FOR MAKING THIS AVAILABLE ONLY TO SUBSCRIBERS.
Posted
3:19 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:02 PM
by Gene
Sorry -- SUMNER beat you to it. If I were St. Warren I'd be worried; this might cause a POPULATION EXPLOSION...of GEEZERS! On the other hand, He wouldn't have to worry about taking it with Him.
Posted
12:47 PM
by Gene
![]() WELL! Here's another guy who knows the meaning of CHEVY CHASE: Olympic ski champion Bill Johnson was charged with assaulting an officer and resisting arrest after punching a sheriff's deputy in the face during a traffic stop, police said. Johnson was stopped in his pickup truck Friday by a Multnomah County sheriff's deputy and a suburban Troutdale police officer. When the officers approached, Johnson pulled out his 1984 gold medal and taunted them by saying, "You don't have one of these," police said. You're lucky you aren't an actor -- it might be difficult to do that with an OSCAR®.
Posted
9:55 AM
by Gene
SHUCKS, 8.46 MILLION voted. Oh well, back to banging our heads against the wall. That's what makes us so SMART. (That's what makes US SMART.)
Posted
9:42 AM
by Gene
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!
Posted
9:36 AM
by Gene
CLINT's another GENIUS who needs to feel the raw power of the Web. Then again, maybe He already does. "Eastwood euthanasia" search in Google -- 10,400 links. Sorry, CLINT, I think we know how Your Masterpiece ends. AND SO DOES YOUR EVER-DWINDLING AUDIENCE.
Posted
9:19 AM
by Gene
OR: [S]hows need not be great or even good to be loved; greatness may be an impediment. (One doesn't like to consider what kinds of fans would want to see "Assassins" 100 times.) One doesn't like to consider it, but one considers -- they probably count people at THE PAPER OF RE-CORD.
Posted
9:09 AM
by Gene
The Flip Side of 50 Cent You know the rap superstar's story by now. Ex drug dealer, nine gunshot wounds, kind of a scary guy. We thought there had to be more to it than that—and what do you know? We know PAT, we KNOW, MR. MARK, he's a GENIUS -- and he has A RECORD TO SELL, so that makes him a DOUBLE GENIUS. Remember, THREE MILLION IDIOTS SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR MAGAZINE, MR. MARK -- BUT NONE AS IDIOTIC AS THE IDIOTS WHO WRITE AND EDIT IT.
Posted
9:01 AM
by Gene
We are simply beating ourselves black and blue. So let's take a breather. Throw out the schedules, turn off the cell phone, cancel the tutors (fire the OT!). Let's spend some real quality time with our families, just talking, hanging out, not doing anything for once. And let ourselves be. We remember too well how Mr. Mark made the PC-suck-up-to-St.-Warren case that dads should be mommies, so we'll presume ANYTHING and EVERYTHING are in between the FIRST PARAGRAPH and the LAST. We've come to quite a place when we instinctively mistrust ANY news hack just because he IS one, but as the tragic tale of EASON tells us, there are strange and tyrannical thoughts floating through NEWS HACKS' HEADS. Saturday, February 12, 2005
Posted
6:33 PM
by Gene
"There was a lot of resistance from the scientific community because a lot of people had made their careers telling people to eat margarine instead of butter," said Walter Willett, chairman of the Department of Nutrition at the Harvard School of Public Health and one of a handful of medical researchers who have led the fight against trans fat. "When I was a physician in the 1980's, that's what I was telling people to do and unfortunately we were often sending them to their graves prematurely." These are the same types of know-it-alls who are SURE about every scientific crisis to come down the track, only to have to change their minds when an equal and opposite crisis derails the present one.
Posted
9:26 AM
by Gene
I'm all for cute shows, if cute shows will drive the ENNUI out of our culture; but I really wish our age could do a little better.
Posted
9:12 AM
by Gene
When I hear con-SER-va-tives griping about this sort of thing I think RUSH with that BIG FAT STINKY CIGAR in his mouth. I also think BIG BIZZES have become so PC they would hire PERFESSER CHURCHILL as a consultant.
Posted
8:50 AM
by Gene
But as we know, any organization founded by TED TURNER does not have much sense to begin with. Which raises the question: If Eason can lose his job for asserting we were "targeting" reporters in Iraq, why shouldn't that looney-left PERFESSER in Colorado lose his for saying things far more odious -- and quite possibly lying in his CV? If we can't sanction truly obnoxious remarks what moral standing do we have to sanction anything? Friday, February 11, 2005
Posted
6:56 PM
by Gene
1. They added whatisits to the URLs, presumably to make G000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER more easily break down; 2. You can't sign in on the Address bar if you've already logged in, so if you're unwary enough in order to post you now have to repeatedly sign in; 3. When you click on your posts in the "Edit Posts" mode under "Post Title" (hint hint) you get "Loading..." -- and if you're lucky the screen may keep on loading. But shucks, they did do one thing right: they finally made it unneccessary to edit the TIME when you post between NOON and 1 P.M. Someone will be FIRED for this!
Posted
5:52 PM
by Gene
NEWS HACKS must really count to TEN before they RUN stuff like this, but too often they count to 0.00000000000000001.
Posted
5:41 PM
by Gene
![]() Dean ready to lead Democrats YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
5:36 PM
by Gene
I guess that means the story's entered WACKO JACKO territory too. Figures this site (linked on G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000gle News) brought on three POP-UPS.
Posted
5:31 PM
by Gene
In time, belches like this to the contrary, that may not be difficult.
Posted
5:29 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:27 PM
by Gene
"It's time to build the America we all believe in,'' said Edwards, renewing his vice presidential campaign theme of two Americas, one rich and one poor. Somehow the three little pigs come to mind here. So does huffing and puffing. So does hot air.
Posted
12:50 PM
by Gene
THE FLYERS' SKATE ZONE!!!!! LET'S GO FLYERS! (CLAP! CLAP! CLAPCLAPCLAP!) LET'S GO FLYERS! (CLAP! CLAP! CLAPCLAPCLAP!) That shouldn't be too hard. One other thing: when the MICK's counterlady gave me the wrong item she threw the offending mistake into the trash. How much food does MICKEY D'S waste in a year? I wonder if those ever-upward numbers are as much a figment as anything in BERNIE EBBERS'S HEAD.
Posted
11:56 AM
by Gene
A press history in a nutshell.
Posted
11:52 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:50 AM
by Gene
With 20 million listeners, he is America's most-listened-to demagogue. And me -- I'm doing a show about him at a 100-seat theater in the Mission District. (I'm not sure whether my Limbaugh jokes are better than his, but I think I do his voice better than he does.) AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Thursday, February 10, 2005
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
I can live very well without SELIGISM and the National Hoodlums' League, thank you.
Posted
4:53 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:09 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:53 AM
by Gene
No one save con-SER-va-tives can deny Wal-Mart hurts small retail businesses. But lack of unions isn't a good enough reason to keep it out.
Posted
8:43 AM
by Gene
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