Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

The federal government gave a no-bid Hurricane Katrina contract for battered Mississippi schools to a subsidiary of a politically linked minority company thousands of miles from the Gulf Coast — in Alaska.

Processed amid mounting questions about dozens of no-bid awards, the $39.5 million contract won approval despite a proposal from a local businessman who contends he could do the job for roughly half the price.

Wait a second -- let me guess....

U.S. Senate records show Nana's business interests in the nation's capital are represented by Blank Rome Government Relations, a lobbying firm whose CEO is David Girard-diCarlo. He was a fundraiser for former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge when Ridge was governor of Pennsylvania.

Blank Rome's website shows that other company lobbyists include Mark Holman, a former deputy presidential assistant at Homeland Security, and Ashley Davis, who served as a Homeland Security assistant to Ridge. Additionally, Nana officials and employees have given more than $5,000 in donations since 2001 to influential Republican members of Alaska's congressional delegation, federal campaign records show.

Among the recipients were Sen. Ted Stevens, chairman of the Committee on Commerce, Science & Transportation; Sen. Lisa Murkowski, a member of the Energy and Natural Resources Committee; and Rep. Don Young, chairman of the House Committee on Transportation and Infrastructure.

BRIBERY!

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

The people who think SUPERHOOPER'S Islamist front group is powerless are obviously whistling in the dark. We do wonder though why they haven't cried ISLAMOPHOBIA in New York.

WHOM THE NEWS HACKS BE FOR....

"A clerical error." HA!

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

Irish bookmaker Paddy Power was fending off the wrath of Christians in overwhelmingly Roman Catholic Ireland on Friday over an advertisement depicting Jesus and the Apostles gambling at the Last Supper.

I find it apt; gamble too much and you may have YOUR last supper.

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

Katrina police 'looted jewelry'

Why am I not surprised?

Posted 5:09 PM by Gene

DeLay Indictment May Slow Donations

No no no no no no no no no no no no no NO. We as news hacks may HOPE it will slow donations to EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL REPUBLICANS; but given the venality of big-biz and pressure groups and the sluttery of elected officials THE GLORIFIED BRIBERY WILL CONTINUE.

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

You know how cars are tested for acceleration and braking? I propose a test for NEWS HACKS: how fast it takes them to go from EXTREME RIGHTEOUS ANGER to FLUFFY PUFFY PUBLICITY. If we could harness that force we'd have faster, safer cars!

Posted 2:11 PM by Gene

"It takes two or three weeks to demolish a building like that. But it was pulled down in a couple of hours. Was it 19 hijackers who brought it down, or was it a conspiracy?"

SUUUUUUUUUUUPERHOOOOOOOOOOOPER! DISCRIMINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATION!!!!!!!!!! CENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSORSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!!!!!!!

P. S. We're glad HONORARY MAYOR MIKE didn't make a fuss. But we do wonder how the OSAMA CHANNEL ARABIC EDITION REPORTED IT.

Posted 2:06 PM by Gene

Another interesting thing about PINCH'S MOST-EMAILED TALLY is how people seem to pay no attention to the rag's ad-blurbists -- you know, the people who MUST pop up in EVERY MOVIE TV AD. This makes us wonder if even the CORE READERSHIP can't stand them. Effete snobs hating effete snobs? Now THERE'S a thought.

Well what do you know -- a MODO column from SEPTEMBER 3 is NUMBER 19! PINCH! Thought of RECYCLING?

Posted 2:05 PM by Gene

Before the free-market con-SER-va-tives start gloating over the WONDERS of SUPPLY and DEMAND, we must ask, why must those two gods inflict so much pain?

Posted 12:18 PM by Gene

We won't try to minimize these numbers, or the national stupidity they point to, but we suspect the Nielsen people have reason to tout their stats, just as those MORONS who estimated hurricane damage did theirs: it keeps them in the public eye -- and good news means MORE BUCKS.

We would like to think the truth lies elsewhere. We'd just want to know where to find it.

P. S. The only possible good news here (assuming these numbers are credible) is that people are skimming more -- and watching less of what they skim.

Posted 11:31 AM by Gene

U.S.-Russia Space Flight Future in Doubt

There goes the Orbiting Tin Can!

Posted 11:19 AM by Gene

Another reason to throw up your hands:

Dionne this morning puts his finger on the central and hopeless flaw in the case against DeLay: "The corporations that forked over the cash to DeLay's PAC did so not because their hearts were filled with affection for those particular Texas legislative candidates but because they recognized DeLay's power over federal legislation." (Italics addes.) [SIC]

If this is a railroading -- and we wouldn't put OUR money on SNIDELY WHIPLASH being ACQUITTED -- the fact remains that MONEY BUYS INFLUENCE, and that's why we have AWARDS FOR PORK, and MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE SAYING THERE'S NO NEED TO CUT SPENDING.

Posted 10:48 AM by Gene

ROMY asks ANOTHER BURNING QUESTION:

Editor: Should newspapers be owned by public companies?

Personally I think they should be owned by the STATE. With all that goosestepping they surely ACT it.

Posted 10:41 AM by Gene

How many restaurateurs can say they've had CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES PLUG THEIR OPENING NATIONWIDE?

P. S We can think of more than a FEW NEWS HACKS who should be yelling "Cheezborgers! Cheezborgers!" rather than "Get me rewrite!" or "Get my accountant!"

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

Now we know why we LOOOOOOOOOVE WALTER "SPYWARE" WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

For much of an entire day this week, the Drudge Report ran as its main headline, "Media Made Mess of Storm News." Above it, Drudge posted large color photos of Brian Williams, Soledad O'Brien, Anderson Cooper, Oprah Winfrey, and Fox's Geraldo Rivera and Shepard Smith. If you clicked on the headline, it linked you to a Los Angeles Times story about "media inaccuracies" in the Gulf. Funny thing, though, the Times story didn't even mention most of the celebrities pictured on Drudge's page -- only Oprah's name appeared, and briefly at that.

We're telling ya, WALT: keep that hat on your head and THE HOLE WON'T ACT UP!

Posted 9:36 AM by Gene

For possibly the second or third time in its LEGENDARY career, HBO does something good.

Posted 9:28 AM by Gene

And it's not just elected officials:

The head of the Securities and Exchange Commission's Philadelphia district office, Ari Grabinet, is leaving the agency to take a job at Vanguard Group.

Grabinet will head the Valley Forge, Penn., company's securities-regulation group, according to a statement released Thursday by the SEC.

Grabinet has served as SEC district administrator in Philadelphia since 2003.

We will try not to make too much of that name.

Posted 9:14 AM by Gene

BYE, MICKEYMOUSE NIXON!! Watch the rotors on the way out.

UPDATE: Little Malcolm goes YAH! YAH! as Tricky Mickey stands on the steps taking more credit:

What was the smartest thing you did? Recommend Bob Iger to be chief executive officer.

Actually it was the BLESSED SAINTS OF CAPCITIES who did it.

Posted 9:05 AM by Gene

It seems odd that the NEWS HACKS who marched up and down the Ellipse for their NOBLE CAUSE should suddenly take an interest in JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS, but we side with the Anti-Defamation types on this one. Jews face enough pressure from the resurgent anti-Semitism on the LEFT; they hardly need more pressure from evangelists on the RIGHT.

Posted 8:45 AM by Gene

President Bush's response to Hurricane Rita won overwhelming approval in a USA TODAY/CNN/Gallup Poll, a marked contrast to his low marks on handling Hurricane Katrina.

Overall, 71% of those polled said they approve of Bush's response to Rita, which included presidential trips to the region before, during and after the storm. (Related item: Poll results)

Just 40% said they approved of the president's handling of Katrina, which was marred by a slow federal response after the storm. Except for a brief flyover in Air Force One, Bush made his first trip to the affected area five days after Katrina had passed.

The approval of his handling of Rita also affected his overall job-approval rating.

In the latest poll, that rating was 45%, up from 40% a week and a half ago.

When POLLSTERS aren't engaged in mischief, they're merely EARNING SALARIES.

Posted 8:34 AM by Gene

'UP TO 150M PEOPLE COULD DIE IN AVIAN FLUE [SIC] PANDEMIC!!!!!'

TRANSLATION: This year's SARS.

FURTHER TRANSLATION: Are great flocks of birds living in chimneys?

UPDATE:

The World Health Organization (WHO) said on Friday 2-7.4 million deaths was a reasonable working forecast for a global influenza pandemic -- distancing itself from a top U.N. official's figure of up to 150 million.

TRANSLATION: This year's SARS.

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

THE GLIBERAL returns from the dead to tell JONNY HAIRSHIRT he was NOT a knee-jerk leftist, rubbing his left knee raw the whole interview.

MEDIA WEB QUESTION OF THE DAY: Do you love or loathe Frank Rich's columns?

How can you answer a hypothetical?

Posted 6:54 AM by Gene

IN SO MANY WORDS: Movies were once made for big screens. Now they're made for cell phones. RAVES aside, we're getting the movies we DESERVE.

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

Republicans may return DeLay's PAC funds

More theater. Such cynical surface acts do not address the ROT in our political system, the constant need to raise money to feed the maw of TELEVISION. So long as SHOW-BIZ effectively runs our government hack pols will be raising money, further cementing their bonds with business and pressure groups, and vaccinating themselves from the people.

Posted 6:33 AM by Gene

Times Reporter Free From Jail; She Will Testify

Whoopee. And what does this mean for me, or the millions who daily consume the news? Virtually nothing. That this has been on every HACK's mouth for months points to their irrelevance.

UPDATE: The story is NUMBER 22 on PINCH's MOST-EMAILED LIST, meaning even the CONSTITUENCY doesn't care.

Posted 6:30 AM by Gene

Chuck Krauthammer spells out a rational answer to ST. CINDY, which is to say, he spells out the conservative-talk show-Internet POV, and as we've said, ANGRY NEWS HACKS view themselves as a COUNTER to this influence, so we can pay it no mind at all.

Posted 6:29 PM by Gene

Jets and Giants Agree to Share New Stadium

Will it have two $PON$OR names?

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

HED OF THE WEEK:

The Artic Meltdown Speeds Up
Global Warming Update: A new study shows the Artic ice cap is shrinking faster than expected

The Artic ice cap? How 'bout your SPELLCHECK, TWXSTERS?

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

Despite the tragic tank-emptying of Doctor Doolittle, we are delighted to see more excellence in the THEA-TAH:

The musical revue Bush Is Bad, subtitled The Musical Cure for the Blue-State Blues, officially opens at the Triad Theatre Sept. 29. Previews began Sept. 15.

Joshua Rosenblum's revue, according to production notes, "aims venomous, highly partisan musical barbs at the President and his dissembling gang of conspirators, resulting in a take-no-prisoners show." Directed and choreographed by Gary Slavin, the cast features Kate Baldwin, Neal Mayer and Michael McCoy....

Described as a cross between Forbidden Broadway and "The Daily Show," Bush Is Bad is "a left-eyed look at the current sorry state of affairs in American government. It's the truth told bluntly but not savagely, with wit and without malice." [?!?!?!?!?]

Among the toe-tapping (or rather knee-jerking) tunes are "'How Can 59 Million People Be So Dumb?,' 'Good Conservative Values,' 'The Gay Agenda,' 'John Bolton Has Feelings, Too' and 'New Hope for the Fabulously Wealthy.'"

I don't know ANYBODY who voted for Bush. Do YOU?

Posted 1:45 PM by Gene

IS SUMNER'S WIFE RUNNING VIACON?

SUM, stay away from the LOBSTER.

Posted 1:24 PM by Gene

The true believers will go bonkers, but there must be retail at Ground Zero. Not to put it there would make it as dead as those two holes in the ground.

Posted 12:21 PM by Gene

The jihadists must be smacking their lips: our FRIENDS the SAUDIS are "ramping up" production.

Fossil fuels can't become relics SOON ENOUGH.

Posted 11:58 AM by Gene

Another pile of BULL from MADAVE'S REVERSE ROBIN HOODS:

Mr. Verklin said the grand shifts occurring in advertising would upend media plans that are currently geared toward major TV buys. Media plans will look "like the tiles of your bathroom floor," incorporating less TV but more digital and interactive spending, sporting events, PR and experiential marketing. "A new plan is going to emerge that will be no more than 50% of spending in TV. Today it’s 66%. Forty billion dollars will shift to other media." Mr. Verklin said he anticipated greater spending on minority audiences. "Seventeen percent of Americans do not speak English."

For the 500 MILLIONTH TIME, these reverse Robin Hoods keep talking about how they want their ad dollars to work -- and then they randomly and MALIGNLY spend them without one bit of review or caring on CRAPPY TELEVISION. The whole ad business is about FINANCING HOLLYWOOD JUNK. All this idiot buzzword talk of "reforestation" and "intent-based marketing" and "captur[ing] the momentum of aperture" (what DOES that MEAN?!?!?) will not change that ONE IOTA, so long as the Hoods have JOBS to protect, so long as they have SHOW-BIZ to FALL IN LOVE WITH.

Posted 11:51 AM by Gene

78-22? Aw c'mon, you can be more demagog -- DEMOCRATIC than THAT!

Now to see how conservative he is.

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

That PUHBLIK EHDYUKAYSHUN has perhaps outlived its usefulness owes in no small way to the fact that religion can't even be whispered in its Byzantine hallways. We know what an excellent job our SKOOLS do in teaching sex, robbery and gunplay. Doesn't even mentioning the Bible go against these new hallowed traditions?

Posted 8:40 AM by Gene

MICKEYMOUSE NIXON delivers His RESIGNATION ADDRESS before BOARDING THE HELICOPTER:

"We cannot escape that Hollywood is in the middle of a wave of technological change," he said. "... Exactly where we are in a technological revolution is impossible to predict, but one thing is true: It is totally contingent on product, and that product is American product, and most of that American product is produced in Hollywood."

He then stopped himself to point out that this was from a speech he gave on Jan. 27, 1981 -- nearly 25 years earlier.

"As should be pretty self-evident from these 24-year-old remarks, the current angst over all the implications of new entertainment technology is nothing new," he said. "But of course, in our industry, we always have angst to spare, so we are also wringing our collective hands over the high cost of production coupled with the low rate of success of movies and TV shows."

But e went on to say that America's entertainment industry has faced these problems since its beginning -- pointing to a 1936 industry analysis from Joseph P. Kennedy that spoke of production problems, high costs and failure to meet deadlines -- yet has continued to thrive.

"It seems our industry has always felt itself to be on the brink of disaster, either because the economics are out of control or because new technologies are threatening our business models or because financiers and boards don't understand what really drives this industry, or all three," he said. "And yet the reality is that, on the whole, the American entertainment industry has thrived decade after decade after decade."

Aside from observing what a moral night light Joe Kennedy Sr. was we should note it is true this amoeba called show-biz can be split up a thousand ways to pester us more than before. We would also note every time some new show-biz "delivery platform" arrives it leaves the old one gagging and wheezing. Movies effectively killed vaudeville and undermined the theater. Radio decimated recorded music in the twenties. Television destroyed the movies' audience. Cable TV has routed the networks. The Web is slowly working on all television. We would agree the future is gadgets. Whether the future is quality entertainment is another thing. TRICKY MICKEY did His part to gadget us up.

Posted 8:21 AM by Gene

LAT's Martinez says Kinsley was a "shameless experimenter"

Let's get rid of the indefinite article and that concluding noun and be done with it.

Posted 6:52 AM by Gene

Another reason listeners will leap to ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN's satellite radio -- the COMMERCIALS!!!!!

What's the point of all that hardware if you're giving them the same SOFTWARE, ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: All today's Mustapha Monds who call themselves "bioethicists" need are a Thinker pose -- and a TV camera.

Posted 6:29 AM by Gene

The Osama Channel's Washington espionage, er, lobbying, er, office hires a former Marine. We will certainly not question his patriotism, but we suspect if he could watch his employer's Arabic feed in English he might not be too pleased.

And it wasn't a member of MOSSAD who was convicted in SPAIN this week.

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

Even the hard-core admit it's time for SNIDELY to GO.

As I said, he's becoming too expensive -- in several ways.

Posted 5:56 PM by Gene

How many white goods WON'T end up in landfills? How many damaged auto parts WILL make their way into cars?

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

"Don't you get it?"

Yes, we get it: BOOBS McKEATING FOR PRESIDENT!

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

What's orange with yellow "10"s and has a red torch and says "We the People"?

The GUVMENT tells WONDERFUL JOKES. But why does it have to print them on "money"?

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

ANGRY NEWS HACKS find another WILD GOOSE CHASE. While this is disgusting, there are things more disgusting that go on the Web everyday, but they don't allow HACKS to PREEN.

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

We know, WE KNOW REUT, America's Catholics chafe under the oppressive, reactionary, EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL dictates of Rome.

There is a solution: FORM A NEW AMERICAN CATHOLIC CHURCH.

Can anyone imagine a church run by a pollster? It would have a new dogma every day and zero worshippers.

Then again, American Catholics should talk.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

Shucks, Energy Crisis II has hit the bus-and-truck company biz, as Doctor Doolittle has run out of gas.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: who with a mind and a heart would go to see these fifth-rate mechanical contraptions?

Van Kaplan and Pittsburgh CLO have produced several touring productions including the American premiere of Barry Manilow's Copacabana [!!!!!] [Click on the link and you get to hear a smidgeon of the company's EXCELLENT singing! --ED.] and the world premiere of Casper The Musical [Every link is...dead. --ED] starring Chita Rivera, plus the 1998 Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat with Jodi Benson and the Osmonds.

This is one jalopy that should have gone to the scrapyard LONG ago.

P. S. It was set to play in Chicago, Des Moines, Clearwater, Paducah, Huntsville, Hartford, Charlotte, Seattle, Houston, Denver, Boston, San Diego, Tuscon, Costa Mesa, Wilmington, Cleveland, Providence, Raleigh, St. Louis, Schenectady and Grand Rapids! This could have made Energy Crisis II PERMANENT!

P. P. S. And in more THEA-TAH news:

Goodbye, you're not JOHNNY CASH.

P. P. P. S.



Note the sponsor (and the pic's URL). This may help explain soaring medical bills.

Posted 2:54 PM by Gene

Which is worse? SUMNER flinging a lobster or HOWIE HAIRSHIRT writing a novel?

They're both equally terrifying if you ask me.

Even better: a self-parody writing a SATIRE. MAKE...ME LAUGH!

Posted 2:27 PM by Gene

Hmmm....

Stahlman also said that Dell's reliance on Intel, which doesn't have a 64-bit desktop processor, had an impact on what was considered a disappointing second fiscal quarter in which Dell's revenue fell shy of Wall Street estimates.

"Their inability to upsell to the U.S. consumer in the July quarter was partly due to the fact that they didn't have any AMD products," Stahlman said.

Intel rival Advanced Micro Devices has the lead over Intel in the area for the powerful 64-bit desktop processor market with its Athlon chips, according to Stahlman.

"There's a view that the Intel products are inferior," he said.

You mean there's a disadvantage to a one-microprocessor-company state?

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

SNIDELY WHIPLASH IS INDICTED!!!!!

I can imagine what CONSERVATIVES are saying: Democratic DA, Democratic this, Democratic that. Unfortunately SNIDELY may have stepped once too often over the line for THAT to work.

P. S. If I were a Democrat I wouldn't be dancing a jig. It's either CROOKS 'n' SPENDERS or MOVEON.ORG. What a HELL of a choice.

P. P. S. Rumpheting Thumpheting RUSH must be in DAN BLATHER territory. PFFFFFFFFFFFT!

P. P. P. S. Who wants to wager SNIDELY RESIGNS when it becomes too embarrassing -- or too EXPENSIVE?

Posted 12:19 PM by Gene

I would say Apple has developed its own version of electronic paper, but I'm afraid somebody might sue.

Posted 12:04 PM by Gene

THE PAPER OF RE-CORD scratches its head AGAIN:

It seems to be a part of the human condition that having established a specialty, we hanker to do something else. And far be it from me to say that we shouldn't. But speaking as a classical music critic who also listens to lots of rock - and who wishes that more rock fans found classical music exciting as well - I must confess that I find many of these crossover incursions dispiriting.

For one thing, rock stars who become interested in classical music are bizarrely conservative.

Your Holiness PINCH!! Why not put the WHOLE PAPER in TimesSelect?

Posted 11:57 AM by Gene

Oops! Anthony Lewis woke up to blast THE WRONG MAN!

Go back to sleep, TONY.

Posted 11:49 AM by Gene

Boy are we busy plugging in USAOKAY!!!!! today! TV on cell phones, the new female Hank Williams, TRUMAN, XM Satellite Radio -- and bonus points on the last for that nice dig at CONSERVATIVES!



A SPECIAL NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO KEN PAULSON!

Why couldn't GanNETt have been hit with a big tax bill?

Posted 11:05 AM by Gene

The geeks keep hoping for an electronic sheet of paper. It will be long in coming; the first such things will be thick and feel like Tyvek, only much worse, and if you hold them the wrong way they'll break and ooze chemicals, and they'll probably not read well in very bright or very dark rooms. No, I can't imagine a sheet of paper with a flash memory. Pulp is still better.

Posted 9:12 AM by Gene

FILLED WITH RIGHTEOUS DISGUST, A GROUP OF LEADING AMERICANS PROUDLY EXERCISES ITS FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS:

WRITERS GUILD PROTESTS TV PRODUCT PLACEMENTS

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! THIS WILL MAKE -- HISSSSSSSSSSSSSTORRRRRRRRRRRY!!!!!

Guys, JUST ASK FOR A CUT!

Posted 8:21 AM by Gene

We suspect when the NINE FINGERS are through her WEALTH won't be real either.

Now remember Anna -- DON'T DO A LAP DANCE!

Posted 8:19 AM by Gene

"Substantially all of our income in fiscal 2004, 2003 and 2002...is exempt from U.S. federal income taxes!!!!!"

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8:16 AM by Gene

NASA administrator says space shuttle was a mistake

NOW he tells us.

Posted 8:07 AM by Gene

For BUILDING an EMPIRE TRIB OWES A BILLION IN BACK TAXES!

If only such good news could befall OTHER media tyrannies.

Posted 6:46 AM by Gene

"Virtually every Cardinal game is on television. The primacy of radio has been diminished. So many of the great names of KMOX have passed away."

So when the Gods of SELIGISM play their shell games, it really doesn't matter so much anymore.

We miss Jack Buck too.

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

Too much of news hackery is talking things up. If nothing happened in the Superdome in the middle of a catastrophe, we have to talk up rumors, right? The same with our media tycoons. We've talked up loathsome men like SUMNER because well, they're our bosses, and what's good for Time Warner -- er, VIACON.... The Cute Little Pink Paper has latched onto Nick Dorken's star (I won't bother to link as this @#$%&* rag uses GENERIC LINKS, even though its stories DO HAVE THEIR OWN LINKS, but they're impossible to find), typically using any excuse to put ANYTHING into the paper, as in:

It also seems reasonable [?????] to guess that Mr. Denton is bringing in revenue, given the number and frequency of ads on the site. The only concrete information he would give, however, was that a $4 ad buy—the minimum for Gawker on the company’s rate card—would be good for 1,000 appearances. At 5.5 million page views a month, if each page carried one bottom-shelf ad and if a good half-dozen reasonable objections were ignored, that would mean more than $20,000 in monthly revenue. But it would probably be quicker and simpler to use a dartboard.

Translation: we don't know a DAMNED THING about this clown, but he's SEXY, and he's SEDUCTIVE, and we're giving him SIX PAGES on OUR Web site. "Nick Denton Is Either the Luce or Hefner of New Age," gasps Cute on its home page, but revere or detest Luce and Hefner (we tend toward the latter) they built considerable properties. No, Nick Dorken is more like the J. Edgar Hoovers of G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,GLE, king of an empire of thin hot air, but he has MANY MEDIA FRIENDS, and we'd bet in time thanks to them he'll become an INTOLERABLE ZILLIONAIRE TOO.

In short, our NEW-MEDIA oppressors are just about the same as the OLD ONES.

In shorter, Nick Dorken is TINA BROWN in DRAG.

A VERY BIG AND LONG NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO TOM SCOCCA!

P. S. on 3/1/2009 at 1:40 p. m. For what it's worth, we found the link.

Posted 6:03 PM by Gene

The J. Edgar Hoovers of Mountain View will no longer disclose how many pages their site allegedly scans after they got caught with their pants down by the FRIENDS OF CHINA.

Given how many times I've tried to find something with both "services" and have come up empty they're meaningless boasts.

Posted 5:42 PM by Gene

HOWIE HAIRSHIRT admits to his rag's GROPING:

When I covered the Peter Jennings memorial last week, I tried to estimate how many people were packed inside Carnegie Hall, scanning the audience row by row, section by section. I came up with about 700 or 800.

The actual number, ABC told me later, was around 2,200.

Forgive us for saying six of one and half-a-dozen of the other.

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

Why they pay pundits the BIG BUCKS: The home page tease promises us, "Jon Carroll is very fed up with the party. He's got plenty of reasons. And he's got solutions, too." And then:

I don't think the Democratic Party should be another talking-points-generating engine, as the Republican Party is. Democrats are always going to disagree; it's a good thing. But please, let us disagree about real things, about real policies and real ideas and real solutions. And, seriously, the Democrats really should find a candidate who's a uniter, not a divider. That job is definitely still open.

With that kind of hazy gassy blather I wonder if colyumnists may be obsolete.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

Another story reminds us 9/11 never ends.

The incompetents redeveloping lower Manhattan should focus on that spot, and replace that black box with something inspiring, if it's possible in this golden age of architecture.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

New Orleans Police Superintendent Eddie Compass announced his retirement at a hastily called press conference today.

Mayor Noggin's calling this a retirement. "Hastily" and "refused to take press questions" know better.

And further down the column:

The Department of Health and Hospitals has declined the bulk of $352 million in disaster assistance handed to the state by the Federal Emergency Management Agency late last week, with agency officials saying that they only spent about $10 million during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Do you think we were a little SPEEDY there, LYNDON W.?

Posted 2:51 PM by Gene

Alan Greenspan is out to kill home prices!!!!!

The WIZ is retiring. Time for YOU to retire, SUPERGOLIATH for blogging mini-Davids?

Posted 2:44 PM by Gene

How Congress "works":

Ney twice placed comments in the Congressional Record at key points while Abramoff and Kidan were wrangling with Boulis over the purchase and control of the company. Ney first sharply criticized Boulis and later praised the new ownership under Kidan. Ney later said he was duped into making the comments by an Abramoff aide.

Duh, I didn't know it was money, duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Posted 2:25 PM by Gene

More heroism from Little Malcolm: A man who believed a child could be fed on $3 a day, Ron "The MARVEL" Perelman, is "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK"!

This asset destroyer, the creep from Cerberus: Is something big and ugly on the financial horizon?

Posted 1:57 PM by Gene

Parents protest Georgia school closures

TRANSLATION: Did SO! Did NOT! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!



Georgia's parents thank you, Gov. PERDUE!

Posted 1:19 PM by Gene

Pat Yourself on the back, Your Holiness PINCH! For the FIRST TIME, there is not ONE COLYUMNIST ON THE MOST-E-MAILED LIST!!!!!

HIP HIP, HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!

Posted 1:18 PM by Gene

Ann Coulter Breaks Her Silence

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY?????

Posted 12:13 PM by Gene

Anthony Lewis awakens from a deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep to call Judge Roberts a press-hating reactionary.

Go back to sleep, Tony -- or to COLYUMNING in THE PAPER OF RE-CORD.

Posted 11:56 AM by Gene

Terror suspects detained in France had been eyeing up the Parisian metro network, an airport and the headquarters of the domestic intelligence service as possible targets, sources close to the investigation said....

Among those being held is Safe Bourada, 35, who was released from prison in 2003 after five years for helping organise a series of bomb attacks in France in 1995 for the Algerian Armed Islamic Group (GIA).

SMART!

Posted 10:20 AM by Gene

Aw SHUCKS, Little Jeffy won't throw his money down the DreamWorks drain.

We were sort of hoping.

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

The CORNER is IN CONNIPTIONS because ESPNCORP NETWORK has organized some FAKE BLOGS to promote a series.

Don't worry, Corner; no one can ever be as funny as YOU.

Posted 9:40 AM by Gene

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DE EVIL WIGHT IS MAKING WAHHHW ON SCIENCE!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

OR:

Chris has contributed to a variety of other publications in recent years, including Wired, Slate, Salon, Mother Jones, Legal Affairs, Reason [!!!!!], The American Scholar, The Washington Monthly, The Utne Reader, Columbia Journalism Review, The Washington Post, The Washington City Paper, and The Boston Globe.

Very non-partisan.

This is merely a variation on how liberal NEWS HACKS paint themselves as unbiased. Translation: THE OTHER SIDE HAS A DOGMA -- and WE HAVE A DOGMA TO PROVE IT.

IRONY OF THE DAY:

For the general reader, there are places where Powers's detail may grow tiresome and slow the energy of the narrative. But there are few quarrels to be made with the quality of his research (although the book does contain a completely inaccurate definition of Christian Science, offered in passing as Powers details some of Twain's tirades against Mary Baker Eddy, founder of this newspaper.)

Posted 8:35 AM by Gene

It's hard to believe book-banning stories because most are politically motivated. I wouldn't get too exercised about "banning" things like "Little Red Riding Hood" as some of these eeeeeeeeevil actions are in their own inept way manifestations of democracy in action -- and besides, when it comes to censorship, there's nothing like BIGMEDIA in action.

(This post replaces an earlier version in which my clever skimming led me to believe PINCH was trying to placate the people who couldn't read the late GLIBERAL anymore.)

Posted 8:31 AM by Gene

Which isn't to say great wealth can't be had through GOVERNMENT.

Note: We found this as it was the 23rd most e-mailed story in...oh, you know.

Posted 8:16 AM by Gene

Underlying (perhaps I should say belying) Karl's suck-u...TRIBUTE to the RICH is the old con-SER-va-tive notion that private wealth should supplant the government, not complement it. Even if we could confiscate every last dollar of the wealth of these heroes (most of whom, suspiciously, seem not to be regarded as such by many), we would still have a fraction of what government needs to provide the social services people have GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO. And I'm not impressed that Michael "FORE!" Dell has "pledged" $5 million to the hurricane relief, before tax deductions; aside from being pocket change to a man Little Malcolm GUESSES to be worth $18 billion, or whatever number he's invented, we can't imagine how much money he's subtracted from working America's pockets through his brilliant OUTSOURCING.

Posted 8:10 AM by Gene

Kidman: Psychiatry Is Worthwhile Field

Take THAT!

Posted 8:07 AM by Gene

Shhh -- don't TELL anybody, but...

ABC, CBS Secretly Searching for Anchors

(Insert sound of eyes rolling here)

Posted 8:03 AM by Gene

Okay, everybody join with me:

CPB Taps Two...GOP...Conservatives for Top Posts

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Emphasis added -- but I'm waiting for ST. WARREN'S CHERUBIM to do little things like that.)

Posted 7:00 AM by Gene

Why do the holy cockroaches need an Internet news broadcast when they have the OSAMA CHANNEL and its VERY WILLING ACCOMPLICES?

Posted 6:40 AM by Gene

Shouldn't we do another tiresome feature on the SACRIFICES of THE TEN instead?

Posted 6:32 AM by Gene

For once we can't blame CHEAP CHANNEL entirely for something, in this case the funk in the concert biz, no; we'd blame it also on greedy acts too -- who can blame them with $5000 tickets? -- and on THE UNPRECEDENTED PROFUSION OF GENIUS IN POP MUSIC.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

Boy is Ramsey Clark, proud leader of the 50 MILLION who marched through Washington this weekend, going to feel lousy today:

U.S. official: Al Qaeda's No. 2 in Iraq killed

Interestingly this leads on the "International" site, not CNN's "U. S." site. You doing something, TWXSTERS?

Posted 8:16 PM by Gene

Here's a hed (JUST PULLED) from Yahoo!'s home page:

• Porsche drops plan to take VW stake

Now here'e the hed of the story it links to:

Porsche drops on plan to take VW stake

If Yahoo!'s going to be a NEWSPAPER it must be more careful than this. Then again, if it's going to be a NEWSPAPER it doesn't have to be careful at ALL.

Posted 6:24 PM by Gene

These days, half the movies I see have engaging, witty depictions of everyday gamers, none of whom are latent homicidal maniacs.

Possibly because members of THE CONSPIRACY are getting into the game biz themselves?

This guy writes for THE PAPER OF RE-CORD. I think we have a candidate for TimesSelect!

Posted 6:10 PM by Gene

Could it be DEEtroit has the highest rate of justifiable homicides because it has the highest rate of UNJUSTIFIABLE homicides?

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

Still scratching my head over what TV to get, I found this on a thread in Slashdot:

Where are the options for smaller, cheaper sets?

I second that important question. (Set includes the required tuner, otherwise it's just a monitor)

Dorm dwellers, RV'er's, apartment renters, homes with kids (Dad has no interest in the purple dinosaur) and such. A one TV home theatre solution is not a solution for a house with a family. A multi thousand dollar set in each bedroom, kitchen, den, living room, etc are [sic] also not a solution.

Just where are the cheap small sets? Where is the over the air demo at the local electronics store? I keep looking. The demo is either for a subscription Satelite or Cable pay TV service, or from an in-store demo loop.

If it won't work in the store, how the heck do I expect it to work at home?
Show me the sets in operation! Don't show me a 5.1 sound system, monitor, tuner package. I have a good stereo. I'm just looking for a few small inexpensive TV's to replace my analog stuff for the local news. Don't try to sell me components. I just want a TV for after analog does dark.

If the sets don't show up, then the Internet will be my TV of the future.

CALLING LORD STRINGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

P. S.

I think I'll be holding off on HD until scifi [sic] channel is broadcast in HD.

Well, it IS SLASHDOT.

Posted 5:13 PM by Gene

Urie Bronfenbrenner, a psychologist who helped found the Head Start program, has died. We confess to know nothing of him, but "[h]e held many honorary degrees, and the American Psychological Association gives an annual award in his name for contributions to developmental psychology." While he must have been a distinguished educator, we can't help reflecting that in the years since Head Start degrees have taken over EHDYUKAYSHUN by degrees, and somehow the children haven't gotten noticeably smarter.

Posted 4:56 PM by Gene

If the last few days haven't suggested BIGMEDIA resembling something out of state media in a bad old totalitarian republic, the flatulence over SHAKESPEARE will resemble Soviet TV's non-stop funeral coverage of dear departed comrade chairmen. We know why SHAKESPEARE is a GENIUS -- because so many DAMFOOL upper-echelon six- and seven-digit hacks grew up with him, AND HAVE CEASED TO GROW UP SINCE.

Which raises the question: When will all the WELL-PAID EDI-TORS who keep WRINGING THEIR HANDS over JOB CUTS take PAY CUTS to help preserve some of the JOBS?

Posted 3:22 PM by Gene

ST. CINDY, who led TWENTY MILLION through the streets of Washington in pursuit of PEACE (and a few other things), has been ARRESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ST. WARREN! Get out Your CHECKBOOK -- and Your CALCULATOR!!!!!

Posted 3:19 PM by Gene

I am sorry to hear the comedian Don Adams has died.

In 1941, he dropped out of school to join the Marines, lying about his age. In Guadalcanal he survived the deadly blackwater fever and was returned to the States to become a drill instructor, acquiring the clipped delivery that served him well as a comedian.

Indeed. I remember Get Smart, and we are all growing old.

P. S. That show was produced by one David Susskind, who moonlighted as a faux-highbrow interviewer. (He also produced Supermarket Sweep.) "It is ironic, yet somehow fitting, that the grand impresario who introduced millions of television viewers to Willy Loman would, himself, suffer the death of a traveling salesman. Susskind died alone in a hotel room of a heart attack at age 66 in 1987." Er -- David who?

Posted 2:47 PM by Gene

ANDREW SULLIVAN... [JPod]
...is one of the most humorless people on earth, Jonah, in case you haven't been able to tell. He watches "South Park" for the politics, after all.
Posted at 12:57 PM

Coming from THE CORNER we'll count that as DEFINITIVE.

Posted 1:12 PM by Gene

SEC chief recuses self from Frist stock probe

We have often thought when it comes to wrongdoing maybe all the BELTWAY should recuse itself.

Posted 12:44 PM by Gene

We can further push back the expected arrival of the great tidal wave of ANGRY REPORTING now that a couple of USAOKAY!!!!! scribblers have done some glorified Googling over babies named for celebrities.

Posted 11:27 AM by Gene

Just what we need: another SECRETIVE MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE making hash of companies, and jobs.

And natch, His outfit has AN IN-JOKE NAME:

Cerberus was a vicious beast that guarded the entrance to Hades and kept the living from entering the world of the dead. According to Apollodorus, Cerberus was a strange mixture of creatures: he had three heads of wild dogs, a dragon or serpent for a tail, and heads of snakes all over his back. Hesiod, though, says that Cerberus had fifty heads and devoured raw flesh.

Yes, quite an apt name for an investment group. Just one question: what is Hades? His COMPANIES?

P. S. DAN QUAIL, er, QWAAL -- QUAYLE! is its certified GUVMENT insider. Betcha he doesn't know what a MYTH is. But we suspect he knows what MONEY is.

P. P. S. Anyone for a sequel to Barbarians at the Gate?

Posted 11:18 AM by Gene

ESPNCORP NETWORK NEWS is turning Nightlight into a conventional news show, all the better to eventually replace it with INTENTIONAL comedy.

I repeat: LORD KOPPEL at PBS!

Posted 10:46 AM by Gene

Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii....

As it happens, the contemporary university is diverse only as a matter of definition and ideology, but not in practice or reality. A recent national survey of college faculty by Stanley Rothman, Robert Lichter, and Neil Nevitte showed that over 72 percent held liberal and left of center views, while some 15 percent held conservative views. The survey also found that, over time, and especially since 1980, academic opinion has moved steadily leftward as the generation shaped by the 1960s has taken control of academe. In the humanities and social sciences, where political views are more closely related to academic subject matter, the distribution of opinion is even more skewed to the left. Unlike professors in the past, moreover, many contemporary teachers believe it is their duty to incorporate their political views into classroom instruction. Thus students at leading colleges report that they are subjected to a steady drumbeat of political propaganda in their courses in the humanities and social sciences.

The same researchers found that 50 percent of college faculty were Democrats, while just 11 percent were Republicans, which should surprise no one since the diversity ideology that drives the university is the same one that defines the Democratic party. Other researchers have reported even more lopsided distributions. Daniel Klein, an economist at Santa Clara University, found in a national survey of professors that Democrats outnumber Republicans in social science and humanities departments by a ratio of 7 to 1. Meanwhile, college administrators and faculty continue to promote campaigns for cosmetic diversity even as their institutions are becoming more monolithic in the one area academics should care about most--that is, in the area of ideas.

In the humanities and social sciences...in the humanities and social sciences...in social science and humanities departments....I for one will not challenge that HYER EHDYUKAYSHUN has intellectual and political rigor mortis. But what of the HARD SCIENCES, and their vacuuming of Federal money for ANYTHING? What of the huge business and accounting programs, breeding grounds nonpareil for Babbittry? And what of the closely allied Babbitts in the ATHUHLETIC PROGRAMS, whose sole purpose is WINNING at ANY COST? People who criticize our universities SOLELY for their HUMANITIES AND SOCIAL-SCIENCE DEPARTMENTS may be guilty of very selective thinking.

Posted 10:32 AM by Gene

NEWS HACKS got ANGRY because of all the SUPERDOME RAPES, MURDERS and RIOTING THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

Posted 10:22 AM by Gene

SHUCKS, Mickey D's [C]RAP PAYOLA SCHEME is stuck in neutral, along with its plan to get its dead-end employees into HIP-HOP COSTUMES.

That's okay, Mick! Just SHRED MORE MONEY ON TELEVISION!

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

OH oh, did Kurt "The Ironic Suck-Up" Andersen jinx Jeff "Zucks" Zucker?

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

And Yahoo!'s becoming a NEWSPAPER, meaning it can pull more stupid tricks like this TOO.

Look out, PINCH!

Posted 9:35 AM by Gene

Editor's Note: The following story contains information about Sunday's season premiere of "Desperate Housewives." If you'd rather not know any details, stop reading now.

Third time: If you'd rather not know anything, START reading now.

Anyone for TEN MILLION?

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

There were lots of expensive homes here, which the government is obligated to rebuild, so people can live here again, so the next hurricane can come along and destroy the homes which the government is obligated to rebuild, so people can live here again, so....

Posted 8:43 AM by Gene

"'Must-See TV' has become musty TV."

Remember, it's not who's first, it's who's trying to AVOID LAST.

NBC got a wake-up call in June, when advertisers refused to pay higher rates after NBC's prime-time ratings had dropped 17% last season. NBC took in nearly $1 billion less in prime-time commitments from advertisers than it did the year before.

It DID?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Posted 8:22 AM by Gene

"We would like to hire you, but we have to hire a Hispanic for that slot."

The WaPost practices FAIRNESS!

Okay, St. Warren -- FIVE MILLION!!

Posted 6:49 AM by Gene

When the generals say things are going well in Iraq, they sound like CLUNKER BROTHERS execs and the news hacks laugh at them. When they say things are going badly, the hacks rub their hands and yell BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Maybe the generals ought to keep their advice to themselves.

Posted 6:40 AM by Gene

China said Sunday it is imposing new regulations to control content on its news websites and will allow the posting of only "healthy and civilized" news.



Mr. Google, Mr. Microsoft and Mr. Yahoo! say AMEN!

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

Insider campaign movies are ignored things about a bunch of JUNIOR EINSTEINS cursing a blue streak and toadying to NEWS HACKS and knocking the voters -- and the candidate who usually gives them enough string to Geppetto him with, utterly tying him in knots.

We can't see why any candidate would agree to such nonsense. Then again, with JOHN KERRY'S HAIR, we can.

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

Demi marries Ashton, or so they say

They say THREE MILLION paraded against an EEEEEEEEEEVIL WAR. They say MAN and his (its) GLOBAL WARMING caused all these hurricanes. They say we're living in a MEGAPLATINUM AGE OF ENTERTAINMENT. If you get them, they may say THE BIONIC WOMAN is 100% REAL.

They'll say anything.

Posted 5:49 PM by Gene

Here is my latest update of THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY, which I hope will explain (though it may not excuse) some of the loopy nicknames I give people and organizations. I've updated it to make some corrections and because several of the definitions were obsolete, or not sufficiently self-serving:

MICKEYMOUSE NIXON: Michael Eisner. So called because in recent years He's frequently been likened to Nixon, given His penchant for micromanagement and credit-hogging. Soon to wave bye-bye with both arms in the air.

ESPNCORP (pronounced espencorp): The "Walt Disney" Company, after its PROFIT CENTER, and for the simple reason it ceased being Walt Disney a LONG TIME AGO.

BUTTMAN INSTITUTE: The Cato Institute, the home of glibertarianism (qv). The producer of Buttman videos is a "major" benefactor.

THE BROW: Sumner Redstone, after the arch-nemesis of Dick Tracy, and also because He lost His in a hotel fire.

THE ZON (or ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN): Mel Karmazin, the broadcast tyrant and THE BROW's former rival, now the SAVIOR OF SATELLITE RADIO, who makes a big thing about the correct pronunciation of His name: it's KarmaZON, NOT KarmaZIN.

THE GLIBERAL: The late Frank Rich, killed in a fit of greed by THE LORD GOD PINCH.

ASWIA: The fictitious American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers, which isn't so fictitious; it's called the Association of National Advertisers and it's made a big PR stink about its "support" for "family-friendly programming" even as it's grown ever more indiscriminate in its sponsorships.

THE CLUNKER BROTHERS: GM and Ford, and honorary member DaimlerCorp (i.e., DaimlerChrysler), again for obvious reasons; and while I know The Big Two have made considerable quality strides, they always manage to undercut them one way or another, mainly through their bad PR and excessive advertising.

STERNO: Jeff Jarvis, former TV Guide "critic" and founder of the unreadable Time Warner rag Entertainment Weekly, and proprietor of BuzzMachine.com, formerly "Buzz T. Newhouse" for being a TWXster (qv), and for being employed by Si Newhouse, and who has a decided aversion to knocking people in big media, unless they make idiotic statements about blogging. The current nickname comes from his turning his site lock-stock-and-barrel over to THE GREATEST ENTERTAINER AND TRUTH TELLER OF ALL TIME, and though he is not as much the firebrand toward his savior these days, we are waiting for a reason to change his nomenclature.

RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Any property run by News Corporation automatically gets at least twenty exclamation points after (or within) the name given the Founder's penchant for banging people on the head with them (hence FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News, THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, etc.) This also applies to any right-wing organization or NEWS HACK who exaggerates the news, like NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, WALTER "SPYWARE" WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, etc.

TWXSTER (pronounced twixter, as in Elmer Fudd): Anyone employed by Time Warner (TWX is its NYSE ticker symbol).

VIACON: Viacom: self-explanatory. Soon to be two VIACONS: VIACON and what I will call CBS Corp.

BUGMEISTER BILL (formerly "Bill the Entomologist"): The head wizard of Microsoft, after his company's penchant for creating some very ingenious software bugs.

SUPERHOOPER: Ibrahim Hooper, the tyrannical spokespoop for the hard-core-Islamist front group CAIR, who never met a Muslim he didn't like.

NEWS HACKS: I know I have what amounts to an obsession in using this term, but as I explained in one of my earliest posts,

I'm not calling them "journalists." That's like calling a garbageman a sanitation engineer (God knows they're in the same business). Besides, am I going to endow an AP drone with the same term as Boswell, Dickens, Hemingway and Orwell? Not on your life! Well how about "reporter," then? Because not all news hacks report; some are incoherent columnists, some are movie-ad-blurb copywriters, some are senior-citizen groupies, some are millionaire toadies, and so forth. No, the dictionary defines "news" as "new information of any kind" (never mind that most "news" writing is old as the hilburns), and "hack" as "a writer hired to produce routine or commercial writing." Hackwork is worse on a deadline. Hence -- NEWS HACKS.

HOWIE HAIRSHIRT: Howard Kurtz, for making huge sums beating his chest.

GE BANCORP: General Electric, because it seems increasingly to want to be a bank (and in similar financial scams like show-biz) and to uninvolve itself in grimy businesses like manufacturing.

ALTRIA MOTIVE: The former Philip Morris Companies, or as it must call itself now, Altria, the pronunciation of whose name suggests a double entendre -- and if the firm didn't provide it by sticking with its NYSE ticker symbol MO. (ALTRIA MOTIVE FOODS is Kraft Inc., 85-percent owned by ALTRIA MOTIVE.)

MOVIE-AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS: Again, I will not call them movie "critics" for the same reason I will not call NEWS HACKS "journalists." In a "notorious" column several years ago Variety's fawner-in-chief Peter Bart suggested calling them the same thing. All they write are ad blurbs for movies, seasoned with a big dollop of pretension.

WALTER "SPYWARE" WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Matt DRUDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, multi-millionaire populist liar, known for wearing a hat to cover the hole in his head, and for having done his part to create the burgeoning anti-spyware software biz.

DOW 36,000: Jim Glassman, the smug glibertarian columnist and head of Tech Central Station, who confidently predicted at the height of the stock-market bubble in 2000 -- in a BOOK -- by THAT TITLE -- that's where the Dow Jones Industrial Average would go.

SNIDELY WHIPLASH: House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, for his comically villainous demeanor, and also because he'd look like Snidely if you gave him a handlebar moustache, a cape, and a stove-pipe hat.

CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES: AP hacks, affectionately named for their boss, Tom Curley, former publisher of USA OKAY!!!!!, who once insisted with a straight face most of the people who run the news biz are conservative. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS: The United Nations, like its forerunner, a wimpish, appeasing irrelevance.

TOENAIL.COM (formerly KINSLEY.COM): Slate.com, founded and once edited by Michael Kinsley, whose snide, smirky, smarmy presence radiates in every piece, since renamed because for days it (and its former sister site MSNBC.COM) gave prominence to an eerily appropriate ad about TOENAIL FUNGUS. We may rename this as the joke's gone stale. Aha! STALE.COM! No, we can do BETTER.

THE NINE FINGERS IN THE WIND: The Supreme Court of the United States, whose members frequently seem to rule that way.

GLIBERTARIANISM: Libertarianism. It combines (to quote from another post) "the worst of the knee-jerk liberal (laissez-faire morals) with the worst of the knee-jerk conservative (laissez-faire capitalism), mixed with a healthy dose of conceit."

SAMMY GLICKMAN: Dan Glickman, president of THE CONSPIRACY: The Motion Picture Association of America, so named after Sammy Glick, the anti-hero of the movie-biz novel What Makes Sammy Run? by Budd Schulberg -- not that Dan's necessarily a heel, but the job may make him one, and at any rate the name's a PERFECT FIT.

JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP: "CARA," the MPAA's ratings system, named for its creator, SAMMY GLICKMAN'S predecessor, the evil Jack Valenti. Its supersecret cooks are SOUP NAZIS. The soup is an absolute disgrace, a big reason movie stink, and a problem no one seems of a mind to do anything about, for all the occasional REFORMING noises among news hacks. One suspects a reason the hacks are content just to make noises on the subject is that any positive change to mass media is a NEGATIVE CHANGE TO THEM. Hence the constant wave of denials of press bias, and the only recent grudging admission that something called the Web exists.

SOB: Al Neuharth, former CEO of GanNETt and putative founder of USAOKAY!!!!!, because He wrote a novel -- I mean, an AUTOBIOGRAPHY boasting that He was one. He was the DONALD of jerrrrrnalism.

NEUHARTHISM: An exaggeration for the purpose of selling. Frequently employed in USAOKAY!!!!!, but with the increasing popularity of SYNERGY (see THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) NEUHARTHISMS can pop up ANYWHERE.

GanNETt: Gannett, the newspaper tyranny, so spelled because SOB always liked to say, "Gannett -- with the accent on NET!!!!!" That sort of hubris may not be apparent anymore.

USAOKAY!!!!!: USA Today, for having run so many NEUHARTHISMS, and for having been INVENTED BY ONE.

ST. WARREN of BUFFETT: Warren Buffett, so-called for the often exaggerated praise He has gotten from NEWS HACKS, largely for having invested in so much of MEDIA; although the shenanigans of His Berkshire Hathaway may have tarnished the halo over His head -- a little.

CAPITALIZED PRONOUNS: Applied to anyone who's a media capo, and especially to media capos who like to throw their weight around, like RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and SUMNER.

THOMPSONISM: the womyn's-studies and black-studies movement of our time, "pop-culture studies," the incontinent praising of show-biz junk with multi-syllable words for the purpose of establishing tuition- and taxpayer-financed fiefdoms, named after "Prof." Robert Thompson of Syracuse, who's set Guinness Book records the last three years for getting his name in Nexus.

LITTLE JEFFY: Jeffrey Immelt, chairman of GE BANCORP, whom I call such because he will forever work under the shadow of the LEGENDARY (see again THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) JACK WELCH, the most overhyped and overrated CEO who ever lived.

LEGENDARY DAVIS: Clive Davis, the infamous tone-deaf record exec, who officially cannot be mentioned in any newspaper article without being called LEGENDARY (see the previous entry) for all the Johnny and Janey-One-Notes He's inflicted on us.

TOILETBOWL RAG: Newsweek, formerly BLUNDER after its hyperventilating Harvard graduate and superpatriotic columnist Jonathan Alter made fun of Vice-President Cheney for saying the Iraqis would cheer us ("AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"), renamed after it did a little investigative population control. The magazine tries to make up for being second to its competition by outzeitgeisting the zeitgeist, often with nauseating (or unintentionally funny) results. TOILETBOWL was home of the Hitler Diaries, to this day one of its finest achievements.

MR. MARK: Mark Whitaker, BLUNDER's editor, who judging from his rag's contents seems like the classic advertising executive and buck passer.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

The ROCK MAUSOLEUM on the LAKE has a PROBLEM:

Last year proved to be the hall's weakest for attendance, 413,000, down about 13% from the 476,000 in 2003, which was the first year it drew less than 500,000.

The totals are down substantially from the 873,000 who came the first full year in 1996.

We recall bitterly that the LEGENDARY Ahmet Ertegun launched the Mausoleum as a way of deking out Tipper Gore's lyric crusade. It figures now that Cleveland's stuck holding a rather sizable bag. (I can imagine how many TENS of MILLIONS in MU-NI-CI-PAL money have gone to this white elephant.) We can attribute this to one of three things: 1. Rock music stinks, 2. A Mausoleum in its honor wasn't that great an idea, especially as the time will come when it will "honor" BRITNEY and ASHLEE, or 3. BOTH. We'll go with 3.

P. S. It could be worse. The Mausoleum could be in PHILADELPHIA.

Posted 4:12 PM by Gene

Meantime the NAZ -- the REACTIO -- the RIGHT-WING is winning in Poland, but they would have more sense than us.

Posted 3:56 PM by Gene

The flip side of yesterday's noble, brave, courageous MILLIONS IN WASHINGTON:

"THIS FALL SEASON HAS BEEN IN A WORD, SPECTACULAR!!!!! WE'D BEEN SO FIXATED ON THE BOX-OFFICE SLUMP, AND HERE WE ARE IN A FALL BOOM!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS TERRIFIC FOR THE INDUSTRY AND BODES WELL FOR A VERY STRONG HOLIDAY SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I got BAD news for you, PAUL DRECK: you were up against a WEAK WEEK from last year, but next week you'll be up against a RELATIVELY STRONG ONE. The slump may yet return.

Posted 3:45 PM by Gene

The city powers have big plans for the restoration of New Orleans, but the Lower Ninth is not in them. Over regular dinners in Baton Rouge restaurants like Gino's, an Italian eatery featuring recently transplanted musicians from the Big Easy, the heads of law firms and tourist businesses and conservation groups have been meeting with big real-estate developers. These men have started to outline a vision of a smaller, more upscale Crescent City.

Was this not what Jonathan "THE PATRIOTIC THINKER" Alter suggested in one of his head-scratchings three weeks ago?

I SMELL A CONSPIRACY AGAINST POOR PEOPLE!

Posted 3:33 PM by Gene

Well, they are starting to try to be even-handed, however reluctantly, however faintly, and given that the alleged 400 in this demonstration must battle against the HALF-MILLION at the other rally, that anybody would dare report this rally at ALL, one can suppose this is a good thing. But we know exactly how NEWS HACKS must be CRINGING at EVERY MOMENT as they polish their VENEER of FAIRNESS, when as Petula showed, their hearts are on the other side.

Posted 12:32 PM by Gene

Debating how many angels race on the head of a pin in NASCAR:

Matt Kenseth is fifth in the Nextel Cup standings going into today's MBNA 400 at Dover International Speedway.

But should he be?

According to the 2005 Nextel Cup rule book, perhaps not.

"If at any time two (2) or more drivers or car owners have the same number of points (a `tie')," Rule 17-4-C on page 34 reads, "each driver or car owner will be ranked according to the greatest number of 1sts in 2005 Events for the NASCAR Nextel Cup Series as of that time. If a tie still exists, the greatest number of 2nds, 3rds, etc. will be used in the same manner until the tie is broken. If a tie still remains, the driver and/or car owner establishing the best finish first in the season will prevail."

After the 26th race at Richmond, Kenseth and Carl Edwards each had 3,114 points.

Going into the Chase for the Nextel Cup, each had his points total reset to 5,015 points. But Edwards had two victories and Kenseth had one.

So, under Rule 17-4-C, that would put Edwards in eighth place and Kenseth in ninth.

After all, the rule does say "at any time."

And under Rule 17-3-B, eighth place starts the Chase with 5,015 points and ninth place should have had 5,010 points.

What's the big deal?

Well, if you're a member of the AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS, and you're a CEO pouring BILLIONS into a sport so you can demoralize your subordinates endlessly, it's a VERY big deal -- like HOW MANY MORE BILLIONS WE'LL WASTE NEXT YEAR.

Posted 11:52 AM by Gene

"My personal view is the only music that should be permitted is the voice and the drum."

We suspect that somewhere behind his Janus demeanor Yusuf believes that too, but I guess the world of jihad and shari'a will have to wait for the "world of sin and greed", for now. And Yusuf is fully capable of thinking there's a difference.

Whose name is he using?

Posted 11:25 AM by Gene

Why we need NEWSRAGS:

A new move to bar celibate gays from the priesthood would signal Pope Benedict's priorities, says TIME Vatican correspondent Jeff Israely [Home-page tease]

It MIGHT seem that way.

Posted 11:21 AM by Gene

PINCH plays a new trick on His readers:

This article is available exclusively for TimesSelect subscribers until it is made available to the public.

And when is that, Your Highness? It is clear Pinch's whole damned empire will be subject to His whim. As I said, MAKING THE WHOLE PAPER PAID IS NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION.

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

Two comic-book characters swat at each other.

Posted 9:57 AM by Gene

The next time the charlatans of academe plead POVERTY, consider the dorks of Syracuse University, home of THE PERFESSER OF TV, spent many thousands to erect a vanity Times Square ad touting its athuhlete-students.

WHO NEEDS HYER EHDYUKAYSHUN?

Posted 9:17 AM by Gene

To be sure, this rally will probably draw several thousand, if that many, because the right lacks the advantage of professional protestors; that said, such a rally, even with its small numbers, was unthinkable in the golden age of Vietnam. It will not be quite so easy to defeat us as the HACKS hope.

P. S. If they want the PETULAS to make fun of them, they will exaggerate their numbers. The best policy is silence.

Posted 9:14 AM by Gene

If it weren't for Dubya and -- let us face it -- the perpetual adolescent, Iraq would be JIHADLAND.

Posted 9:09 AM by Gene

Now ST. WARREN'S SELLING 300,000!!!!!!!!!!

See, Petula knows what her bosses want -- a lap dog. Honest, Mr. Mark, you ought to hire her for your staff the next time you want to throw things at Dubya!

Meanwhile -- if you can believe this -- a bit of CALM from THE PAPER OF RE-CORD:

Organizers of the rally and march had a permit for 100,000 people, but the National Park Service no longer provides official estimates for large gatherings in Washington. [Emphasis added.]

So we may presume, ST. WARREN, that because 300,000 PEOPLE SHOWED they were breaking the law. RIGHT O REVERED ONE?

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

ANOTHER service feature. Darnit Mr. Mark, you know the award-winning rules, spin and sell -- spin us the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL of DUBYA and the GENIUS of SHOW-BIZ! Next time? All riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Posted 6:33 PM by Gene

I would have prefered not to mention this TOENAIL.COM scribble except that it is EXHIBIT A in how NEWS HACKS view personal immorality -- not through the lens of right-and-wrong, but using a heavy forced IRONY that could rehabilitate a Hitler or Stalin. We must not say this model is a druggie or an airhead, no, we must compare her to GARBO, and use the word CHIC at least five times.

GENE KELLY'S going to get a WORKOUT in these precincts.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

"If you bring them home now, who’s going to be responsible for all the atrocities that are fixing to happen over there? Cindy Sheehan?"

Yes. As Her overtime mouth demonstrates, She has all the answers -- and a few extra questions too.

P. S. CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES have Goebbelized around the 100,000 number, because the D. C. "police chief" (who couldn't keep his own car from being stolen) said it was okay to say that.

"The car was taken, and there was nothing of real value in it. Cars are getting stolen every day," as he said.

P.P.S.



The DIMWITS at the REUT were FOOLISH enough to run this overhead shot. We would not be foolish enough ourselves to guess, and it would certainly depend on when this shot was taken, but we would say it is more than the 2,000 the Freepers bruited -- and less than the 100,000 the GOEBBELSES "REPORTED".

P. S. At 8:00 P. M. ST. WARREN SAYS BETWEEN 150,000 AND 200,000!!!!!

How did you make out in the GULF, REVERED ONE?

Posted 3:16 PM by Gene

How long before THE LORD GOD PINCH'S FORGOTTEN OP-ED COLYUMNISTS demand ONE-DAY SPONSORED PASSES?

Posted 2:50 PM by Gene

OH oh, somebody's about to get banned on Democratic Underground:

Sorry to be killjoy, and I know virtually no one on DU is going to agree with my opinion here, but this is another International ANSWER rally that is probably a net negative to the anti-Iraq war cause.

Too many topics addressed aside from the Iraq war, too much anti-Israel sentiment, too many pro-Palestinian speakers, too many pro-Fidel Castro speakers, too much radicalism on display, too much America is the cause of all evil in the world wailing, etc...

This is just not going to appeal to average Americans. I'm watching a speaker now railing about the US in the Philippines. I mean, come on - what has this got to do with the war in Iraq? The US troop presence in the Philippines is marginal and for the most part assists the PI government with crushing Islamists Abu-Sayaf terrorists and wiping out the remants of the communist rebels. Americans are just not going to be against that, and quite frankly, neither are the majority of Filipino's outside college campuses.

So long as International ANSWER is the primary force behind these things, these protests will achieve next to nothing.

Posted 2:45 PM by Gene

Jessica Lange's agent will have HELL TO PAY.

For one thing, she no longer looks like



THIS.

(Stolen from Free Republic.)

Posted 1:48 PM by Gene

Peter Lawford's son has written a book.

One of his father's last assignments was as a spokesman for Rodeway Inns. Nuf said.

Posted 12:05 PM by Gene

Now I know she's looney: ST. CINDY just criticized Her "FRIENDS IN THE MEDIA"!!!!!

Hey YOUR HOLINESS, THEY'RE WHY YOU'RE A HOUSEHOLD NAME!

One of John Sweeney's functionaries makes me think organized labor can't disintegrate fast enough. And I'm nominally a union member.

From a simple PR perspective this is a non-starter. How do you persuade people by screaming? (And a tiny C-SPAN audience to boot.) How do you sell people that the cure for humanity's ills is a national outbreak of self-flagellation? No, what ST. CINDY did was a triumph of the first order, because She kept the looneys and the commies and the anti-Semites at bay by being a GRIEVING MOTHER FRONT-WOMAN. They should have quit while they were behind.

AND TERRORIST SYMPATHIZERS.

Posted 11:41 AM by Gene

Even tiny towns want to be RENDELLIZED. It is horrible to imagine what our part of the country will be like fifty years hence -- one big depressing office park, one long strip of overpriced housing and retail ticky-tacky, one endless traffic jam from Boston to Washington and beyond, with big doughnut holes where the poor people can be quarantined. In some ways it's already there.

Posted 11:31 AM by Gene

Eulogy for a special-ed student:

"Maybe I thought, 'I didn't shoot high enough for Lynndie England,'" said Denne, who works for the Mineral County school system. "Maybe I thought, 'We should have taught her how to think.'"

Given how most schools are, and how most STUDENTS are, that seems unlikely.

Posted 11:21 AM by Gene

Can we actually expect a real-estate investment trust to know anything about retailing?

Posted 10:32 AM by Gene

In this, a sudden GOLDEN AGE OF JERNALISM, another KnightRidder rag cuts jobs.

If you're doing such a great job why fire people?

P. S. at 5:55 P. M. After reading CURLEY'S GOEBBELSES alakazam that 100,000 number I decided to add A LITTLE ILLUSTRATION HERE to indicate my SYMPATHY, and will do so from now on with ANY story announcing NEWS HACK JOB LOSSES.

Posted 9:46 AM by Gene

The scheduled speakers include actress Jessica Lange; former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark; Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-GA); Cindy Sheehan, mother of soldier killed in Iraq; Rev. Jesse Jackson, and others.

Let's see: an expert on agriculture and big fake gorillas; Saddam's attorney general; an honorary Aryan; ST. CINDY (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and JE$$E. This is going to be SOME TANTRUM!

Posted 9:38 AM by Gene

Poland heads into general elections this weekend, with two center-right parties set to quash the governing ex-communists and touch off a struggle over economic policy in the EU's biggest new member....

But it remains unclear if pro-market economic liberals devoted to reducing state bureaucracy or a socially conservative party determined to preserve welfare-state protections will emerge with the upper hand.

POLAND has those TOO?

Posted 9:35 AM by Gene

Iran is seeking to revive its carpet industry by weaving the world's biggest rug, weighing in at 35 tonnes.

Which, with any luck, will fly magically into the air and land STRAIGHT DOWN on the MAD MULLAHS.

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

Bush skips Texas to avoid hampering Rita response

The best decision he's made in a LONG time.

Posted 9:13 AM by Gene

Also in DA POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

America's money-losing airlines exist only for "political vanity" and suck up more wasted cash than any other carriers in the world, says the head of British Airways.

In a blistering attack on American aviation policies, Sir Rod Eddington called them "stupid" because the tactics block open-sky rules around the world and wreck fair competition....

Sir Rod is a director of News Corporation, which owns The Post.

I don't think that had ANYTHING with this getting into DA POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, do you? NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9:11 AM by Gene

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton yesterday dealt a crushing blow to the International Freedom Center planned for Ground Zero, saying she wants the project canned for failing to listen to the 9/11 families.

HILLARY'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!

Posted 8:45 PM by Gene

Dave Obey has his Reuters press office accuse Republicans of not saying where they'll spend all that Great Society II money.

And what did YOUR daddy do in the War on Poverty?

Posted 6:30 PM by Gene

As the anti-war movement arrives in Washington this weekend, many Democrats are leaving.

Pffh-hh-hh-hh-hh-hh-hh-hh-hh!

Nationally known Democratic war critics, including Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, and Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York, Russell Feingold of Wisconsin and John Kerry of Massachusetts, won't attend what sponsors say will be a big anti-war rally Saturday in Washington....

Hh hh hh hh hh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

Spokesmen for the Democrats who are skipping the anti-war event all said they had schedule conflicts.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe they know something we don't -- like ST. CINDY'S LOVE OF THE JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS, for starters. And OCCUPIED NEW ORLEANS!

Posted 5:51 PM by Gene

Now that THE GODDESS is back to waving her lucky finger and anointing critically-acclaimed unreadable tearjerkers, the hash-sloppers in the book biz are giddy with joy. Methinks they may be a little too giddy. I'd bet Her Holiness will probably not increase book sales, and if so only at the margins. Consider these alleged best sellers. Only a handful sold more than a million copies, and they were the usual gang of idiocies. The question which Her Holiness left unanswered is, why should I buy a novel? What could compel ME to slog through four hundred pages just so I can feel better? We forget that too much of book buying is a WOMAN THING, and that inevitably slants our culture away from pointed and biting and memorable stuff toward the simpering and the slosh. Perhaps if THE SENIOR CLUNKER BROTHER'S MARKETING DEPARTMENT gave ME a "FREE" CAR I might trudge through what is called fiction. I certainly wouldn't do it voluntarily.

Posted 5:42 PM by Gene

Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue asked the state's schools to take two "early snow days" and cancel classes Monday and Tuesday to help conserve gasoline as Hurricane Rita threatens the nation's fuel supply line.

Any relation to the CHICKEN people?

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

This has been the greatest month in the HISTORY of jernalism, thanks to a not-so-great month for millions of people, and STILL this guy kvetches because his fellow scribblers LOST JOBS.

All we have to do, buddy, is read you clowns congratulating yourselves, then spinning and selling as usual, and you'll forgive us if WE DO NOT FEEL THE LEAST BIT SORRY FOR YOU.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

Honk For Peace And S&M

THEY GO TOGETHER?

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

Here's a prediction: knowing how THE LORD GOD PINCH is, He may try to fix His experiment -- by PUTTING MORE STUFF BEHIND HIS WALL. I'm thinking next would be arts and culture -- just like the LALATIMES. Making the whole site paid is NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION. Pinch is like the LEGENDARY Roberto Goizueta, the man who invented New Coke with a cigarette in his mouth: His motto is, if it ain't broke, fix it -- again and again and again.

P. S. We note the number-one e-mailed story -- it's STILL the one about a DOG FLU VIRUS -- is NUMBER TWENTY-TWO FOR THE MONTH. This suggests people are hardly e-mailing the number-one story. Which means if people aren't e-mailing the NUMBER-ONE STORY, perhaps the latest NUMBER TWENTY-TWO is SLIGHTLY MORE POPULAR THAN MY BLOG!

Posted 5:09 PM by Gene

Thousands marched through the streets of Colombia's capital and another city on Thursday, protesting a planned trade agreement with the United States which they fear would worsen unemployment in Colombia.

Don't worry, if we can work it out, it'll merely worsen unemployment HERE.

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

Little Malcolm gets to hug himself because he puts out another of his guesswork "400" lists, and CNET gets a load of all the TECHIES on it. F'rinstance:

1. Bill Gates, $51 billion, Microsoft

NUF SAID.

3. Paul Allen, $22 billion, Microsoft and investments

Secretive zillionaire renowned for his bad choices.

4. Michael Dell, $18 billion, Dell

Country-club Republican who's outsourced half his company and gutted customer service.

5. Larry Ellison, $ 17 billion, Oracle

Screams a lot.

11. Steve Ballmer, $14 billion, Microsoft

Screams a lot.

16. Sergey Brin, $11 billion, Google
16. Larry Page, $11 billion, Google

The J. Edgar Hoovers of high-tech, with a touch of the Dalai Lama to make them seem human.

And further down the list:

67. Steve Jobs, $3.3 billion, Apple Computer, Pixar

The ultimate CONTROL PHREAK who sells overpriced gadgets that won't work with other gadgets.

93. Jerry Yang, $2.5 billion, Yahoo

SIEG HEIL!

258. Barry Diller, $1.3 billion, InterActiveCorp

Walked on water while running show-biz, now a techie just like anybody.

384. Steve Case, $900 million, America Online

HE'S STILL ON THE LIST?

One thing is clear: future generations won't have the slightest clue who most these people are, except perhaps in the negative. Edison invented things. Most of these clowns wrote code.

P. S. Does anyone know who was the biggest businessman in Beethoven's time? Does anyone CARE?

Posted 3:28 PM by Gene

It is official: news hacks will tolerate zero casualties in any military conflict. ZERO CASUALTIES. The moment we get ONE they'll talk LBJ and "credibility gap."

I'll have to think up a political equivalent of the NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD. John Ritter (wasn't he a comedian?) would win with FLYING COLORS -- MOSTLY YELLOW.

Posted 3:22 PM by Gene

SEN. RODHAM FLIPS, SEN. RODHAM FLOPS.

Caveat: it's NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 3:07 PM by Gene

Another talk-radio FLINTSTONE, only he's BLACK. So what?

Another HACK mistakes TALK for THINKING.

Posted 12:10 PM by Gene

"Times select" is the dumbest move the old white guys at the NYT could make. In fact, this is the appropriate point for you folks to make jokes about shooting yourself in the foot. It shows that the people in charge have absolutely no idea of the character of the media they manage. I, for example, have removed NYT as my home page and have fully replaced them with a blog called instapundit.com.

NOW YA DONE IT!

Posted 11:54 AM by Gene

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH:

"What if there's a bomb in my bag?"

What if that's not a hypothetical question?