Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED: I know more than you. I make lots more money than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexier than you. I appear on TV all the time. I work ten minutes a day. I rule the universe. I'm going to live forever. You are an idiot. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2: A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3: I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity. --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4: News isn't news when we don't report it. PERMALINKS: THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE! Blogroll Me! |
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Posted
9:44 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:10 PM
by Gene
If this were mere iconoclasm, one could dismiss it, but so long as 98% of news hacks feel this way, we must view such typing as our ruling ideology. P. S. I went through the now-familiar recitation of Washington’s claims before the war, and the too-familiar realities since: the failure to find weapons of mass destruction and the inevitable conclusion that Saddam Hussein was not the threat he was cracked up to be.... James Dickey's son, in the latest BLUNDER. LASHING OUT? As the Bush administration prepares to oust Saddam, one way or another, senior administration officials are very worried that Saddam will try to use his WMD arsenal. Intelligence experts have warned that Saddam may be "flushing" his small, easy-to-conceal biological agents, trying to get them out of the country before an American invasion. A vial of bugs or toxins that could kill thousands could fit in a suitcase or a diplomatic pouch. There are any number of grim end-game scenarios. Saddam could try blackmail, threatening to unleash smallpox or some other grotesque virus in an American city if U.S. forces invaded. Or, like a cornered dog, he could lash out in a final spasm of violence, raining chemical weapons down on U.S. troops, handing out his bioweapons to terrorists. "That's the single biggest worry in all this," says a senior administration official. "We are spending a lot of time on this," said another top official. With Norman Thomas's grandson in the September 23, 2002 BLUNDER. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. NEWS HACKS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
Posted
5:33 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:23 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:02 PM
by Gene
Well you don't have to be snooty about it.
Posted
4:59 PM
by Gene
Some people are just learning what others have known for years.
Posted
4:46 PM
by Gene
AND HIS COMPANY STILL STINKS. P. S. It's a measure of how unhinged knee-jerk liberals have become that their real complaint is that The CHEAP is a PLATFORM for ADOLF W. BUSH -- rather than against the audience-share monopoly the company has in some markets (you can't go just by stations owned). I HATE KNEE-JERK LIBERALS! I HATE KNEE-JERK CONSERVATIVES! I HATE KNEE-JERKS!
Posted
4:34 PM
by Gene
Talk of Security Council reform is extremely useful. Talk of true "legitimacy" for the United Nations as world government is utopian. Sighhhhhhhhhh, the League will have to be content with corruption and genocides.
Posted
4:29 PM
by Gene
If you do it like the way you've built TV sets, nooooooooo thank you.
Posted
4:22 PM
by Gene
Don't yell that too loud. People may be signing waivers not to sue NEWSPAPERS.
Posted
4:20 PM
by Gene
And his "lead" is two percentage points. Within the "margin of error" President Damn could be ahead 15 to 11.
Posted
4:17 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:08 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:07 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:26 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:25 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:01 AM
by Gene
The Freedom Fighter Fighter's Friends™ will stoop to any depth to get us out of there. Friday, September 19, 2003
Posted
5:30 PM
by Gene
The British may have to start a revolution.
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:20 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:32 PM
by Gene
You, Larry, may have helped redefine the word JACKASS.
Posted
12:18 PM
by Gene
We know Gray, we KNOW. (Caveat: This is from NewsMax, which boasts a few reporters from several planets.)
Posted
12:14 PM
by Gene
Posted
11:57 AM
by Gene
TOM WOLZIEN FOR NYSE BOSS!!!!!
Posted
11:30 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:26 AM
by Gene
THIS IS WHY PEOPLE HOLD THEIR NOSES WHEN THEY HEAR THE WORD CONSERVATIVE!!!!!!!!!! P. S. Among the "liberal-leaning journalists" who called for MR. SHAKEDOWN's resignation were the editorial writers of the Washington Times and the NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!. Larry, go back to CNBC and start another bubble.
Posted
9:10 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:31 AM
by Gene
So what did he say?
Posted
8:14 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:37 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:20 AM
by Gene
Do these people have a plan or are they flailing?
Posted
6:19 AM
by Gene
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Posted
8:04 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:40 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:31 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:00 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:56 AM
by Gene
"Riches have never fascinated me, unless combined with the greatest charm or distinction." --F. Scott Fitzgerald What news hacks can do when they leave out context: Fitz wrote this in a petulant letter to Ernest Hemingway after Papa published an Esquire story (Esquire ran stories?!?!?), "The Snows of Kilimanjaro," whose narrator refers to "poor Scott Fitzgerald." (Their editor, the great Maxwell Perkins, later changed the name for an anthology.) Of course, Fitzgerald was poor at the time, and drunk.
Posted
8:45 AM
by Gene
Uh, isn't that "Russian," oh fair Washington Times? (Unless you know something we don't.)
Posted
8:36 AM
by Gene
And the prayer is -- "Bill Clinton for President."
Posted
6:48 AM
by Gene
You should have thought about it before you did it.
Posted
6:45 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:26 AM
by Gene
I think MR. SHAKEDOWN was more deserving.
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
THIS is why you launch free tabloids, Trib.
Posted
6:23 AM
by Gene
Yep, that's our Walter Winchell. Just like you Andy when you want your RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to take over the Beeb. Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Posted
6:25 PM
by Gene
I guess living forever in the Times's pages isn't what it used to be.
Posted
6:22 PM
by Gene
Time to hum the Godfather theme one more time -- in honor of a GREAT fleecer.
Posted
6:12 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:37 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:26 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:11 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:46 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:07 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:49 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:36 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
"ALTHOUGH UNORGANIZED AND WITHOUT LEADERSHIP, THE IRAQI RESISTANCE IS A BALL OF FIRE IN AMERICA'S FACE THAT WILL BRING ITS END IN IRAQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Wait a second! The Freedom Fighter Fighter's Friends™ call these natives "conservative." Doesn't that make them bad guys? Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Posted
8:15 PM
by Gene
I see BUZZ has put his whole site in boldface! He can thank his sponsor for that. Better take some HTML classes, BUZZ.
Posted
8:08 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:51 PM
by Gene
As will happen in Saudi Arabia.
Posted
5:40 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:37 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:31 PM
by Gene
By the way, The CHEAP owns 1,200 stations. That's $100,000 per station per year. Divide that by 365 and you have $273.97 in PSAs a day. That won't pay for ten seconds of an ad touting Lowsy Mays's favorite constituency: new-car dealers. And The CHEAP says it's spreading the charity around, so it'll be far less; expect to see one-by-two-inch public-service ads in concert programs. If this is charity, what's selfishness?
Posted
5:23 PM
by Gene
Face it, papers aren't cool anymore. (I may not live myself down for saying that.)
Posted
5:17 PM
by Gene
And knowing the Swedes he'll be paroled in four years.
Posted
12:29 PM
by Gene
NEWS HACKS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
12:17 PM
by Gene
Posted
11:35 AM
by Gene
That's what you think.
Posted
9:44 AM
by Gene
I wonder who gets paid more: the dresser-down or the dressed-down.
Posted
6:41 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:23 AM
by Gene
He's taken advantage of four different savings and pension plans, including one that pays a guaranteed 8% annual return on money before it's even vested. Why not a solid-gold coach with twenty horses?
Posted
6:17 AM
by Gene
Talk about credulous: "[T]he overall number of suspicious deaths jumped from about 250 a month last year to 872 in August." Think some suspicious deaths were never recorded? NOOOOOOOOOOOO. This is Dubya's War. Monday, September 15, 2003
Posted
6:36 PM
by Gene
"I think it's an embarrassing thing for the City and County of Denver when you have a Looney Tunes initiative like this around." You should know, councilman, Looney Tunes are the Monitor's favorite cartoons.
Posted
6:05 PM
by Gene
They teach jihad, we teach total wimpery. The holy cockroaches must be licking their antennae.
Posted
5:59 PM
by Gene
![]() And guy, did you have to have to get sick on your T-shirt?
Posted
5:54 PM
by Gene
The Osama Channel is the FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News of hard-core Islamism.
Posted
5:49 PM
by Gene
WE should have stopped Saddam sooner.
Posted
5:40 PM
by Gene
Incidentally, E&P's going monthly. It can see the typing on the Web.
Posted
5:34 PM
by Gene
And a third undecided. This is going to be some campaign zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Posted
3:32 PM
by Gene
This is what Congresspoops will do when they have permanent seats and too much time on their hands.
Posted
12:15 PM
by Gene
(And this, of course, is the same vastly overrated magazine that two years ago treated its readers to Adam Gopnik's smoked mozzarella and John Updike's tinkling. Combined with a recent gas expulsion from Esquire's editor and Jonathan Alter's superpatriotic masterpieces this piece confirms my belief that most periodicals go from writer to reader practically unedited.)
Posted
11:19 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:04 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:01 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:26 AM
by Gene
Hasn't the time come to flunk out these seat-warming drones? Sunday, September 14, 2003
Posted
8:43 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:26 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:14 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:47 PM
by Gene
Only one good thing: with Johnny Cash on the cover (?) I'll bet that issue's the slowest seller of the year. (And that also means some rock-music blurbwriter has gotten out every sixteen-syllable word for the cover story.) P. S. The morons at ATWOLA were in a rush to spin and sell they got the book's title wrong. It's Madam Secretary (there was already a book called Madame Secretary) -- and it's 1,086 on Amazon.com. (A mea-culpa to the two computers that scan this: When Sweden's foreign minister was assassinated -- I don't know why it's being called a murder -- I referred to her as the prime minister. I have since corrected my boneheaded error. Let's see ATWOLA correct its.)
Posted
12:22 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:09 PM
by Gene
The Iraqis lost, oh, just several hundred thousands.
Posted
10:24 AM
by Gene
September 14, 2003 -- IF you've ever wondered who was the most boring, rude celebrity to meet, look no further. The unlucky souls who interview stars for a living and profile them for glossy magazines have shared with PAGE SIX their picks for Hollywood's worst. So as not to add to the jobless rolls, we're keeping the journos' names confidential. * Courtney Love: "She doesn't hear a word you are saying," said one celebrity interviewer. "She just rambles on and on, frothing like a mad cow, free-forming her way through her little crammed noggin." * Denise Richards: The pug-nosed actress and wife of Charlie Sheen is "as frightened as a deer in the headlights, and she loves using words like 'sun,' 'water,' 'ocean.' Over and over again." * Gwyneth Paltrow: America's favorite ice queen "just won't answer questions. She'll tell you stuff like, 'I don't like to talk to reporters,' and you are like, 'Well, then why are you here?' She won't tell you a thing and only wants to talk about her 'art' and has fake graciousness." * Jennifer Lopez: The diva who just postponed her wedding to Ben Affleck [and who's just split outright, according to a People exclusive straight from the NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] is just plain "dull. She is so boring. She arrived an hour late and said her favorite book was something like 'Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much.' She doesn't read, she doesn't watch TV or movies - nothing." * Hugh Jackman: "He's dull, but it's a studied dullness. He says right away, 'I am so boring,' but it's a ploy. He is just guarded, but it doesn't make for a good interview." * Gerard Depardieu: One celeb writer had to rush over to meet with the actor 21/2 hours early or forfeit the interview. "[Depardieu] weaves in and plops down in the chair in front of me," the writer recalls. "He is pale and sweating, his eyes are rolling in his head, his face looks like Silly Putty. "He is slurring-word drunk, but being Depardieu, his diction is perfect. He orders a half-bottle of wine for us. Throws it back like water. Talks for about 15 minutes about St. Augustin, the saint, not the town. Then he declares, 'I have to go to sleep now,' gets up and walks out." ...because tomorrow a dozen dozen dozen hacks (including these confidential journos) will write a dozen dozen dozen fawning slobbering mewling celebrity puff pieces, banishing credibility for credulity in the search for that better job.
Posted
9:55 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:54 AM
by Gene
Edward Teller and Paul McCartney didn’t know each other, but maybe they should have. The nuclear physicist and father of the H-bomb, who died last week at 95, was the model for Dr. Strangelove. A fierce anti-communist, his advice to Ronald Reagan to launch Star Wars is credited by some conservative analysts with sweeping the Soviet Union into the dustbin of history. And the connection between Teller and the Beatles would be...what? That Ringo starred in a movie with Peter Sellers? They pay you $4 million a year to insult our intelligence? MR. MARK!!!!! Have you edited your magazine lately?!?!?
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