THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, October 11, 2003
Another open letter to JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:
July 24, 1990
An open Letter to Jack Valenti
President of the Motion Picture Association of America
At a time when all artists' rights to free speech and expression are in peril, we the undersigned believe that the artistic freedom and integrity of American filmmakers are being compromised by the outdated and unfair rating system whose practices have and will continue to result in the defacto censorship of their work.
The 'X' rating, originally conceived to indicate that a film contains mature and/or adult material and should not be viewed by children, has come to be universally recognized as pertaining simply to pornography. As a consequence, an 'X' rated or unrated film is denied exhibition in thousands of cinemas nationwide, display advertising is forbidden by a growing number of major metropolitan newspapers, and radio and television advertising in most markets is not available at all for films that are not rated either G, PG, PG-13 or R by your organization. We believe that it is imperative that the MPAA correct this problem by creating a new letter rating that will more fairly reflect the association's original intentions with regard to adult-themed fare.
While the MPAA maintains that its Classification and Rating Administration does not censor films or force filmmakers to censor their films, the taint of an 'X' rating clearly results in massive and arbitrary corporate censorship. Failure to address this problem will help foster a new era of "McCarthyism" in the arts as during the '50s when the networks claimed it was not they who blacklisted artists, but the sponsors.
We therefore strongly suggest that a new rating of 'A' or 'M' be incorporated into the system to indicate that a film contains strong adult themes or images and that minors are not to view them. This is not a compromise between art and commerce, it is an essential action designed to protect the United States Constitution. It is an issue as important as film preservation; in fact, it is film preservation.
Michael Apted
Hector Babenco
Harold Becker
Bernardo Bertolucci
Francis Ford Coppola
Jonathan Demme
Abel Ferarra
Terry Gilliam
Meahem [sic] Golan
Walter Hill Ron Howard [sic]
Jim Jarmusch
John Landis
Charles Lane
Spike Lee
Mark Lester
Barry Levinson
Adrian Lyne
Penny Marshall
Paul Mazursky
Sydney Pollack
Carl Reiner
Rob Reiner
John Sayles
John Schlesinger
Ridley Scott
Steven Soderbergh
Wayne Wang
John Waters
Robert M. Young
Edward Zwick
(P. S. The BLITHERING IDIOT who drafted this masterwork has "arthouse" all over his bio. Nuf said.
Well, one other thing: the "independents" [what a ruse; many of them are owned by JACK's CONSPIRACY] may be right about these @#$%&* SCREENERS -- but a stopped clock can be right every thirteen years too.
One last thing: Menahem Golan, whose name is misspelled here, was one of the industry's leading schlockmeisters, producing several films for SLY [Pffh-hh-hh!].)
July 24, 1990
An open Letter to Jack Valenti
President of the Motion Picture Association of America
At a time when all artists' rights to free speech and expression are in peril, we the undersigned believe that the artistic freedom and integrity of American filmmakers are being compromised by the outdated and unfair rating system whose practices have and will continue to result in the defacto censorship of their work.
The 'X' rating, originally conceived to indicate that a film contains mature and/or adult material and should not be viewed by children, has come to be universally recognized as pertaining simply to pornography. As a consequence, an 'X' rated or unrated film is denied exhibition in thousands of cinemas nationwide, display advertising is forbidden by a growing number of major metropolitan newspapers, and radio and television advertising in most markets is not available at all for films that are not rated either G, PG, PG-13 or R by your organization. We believe that it is imperative that the MPAA correct this problem by creating a new letter rating that will more fairly reflect the association's original intentions with regard to adult-themed fare.
While the MPAA maintains that its Classification and Rating Administration does not censor films or force filmmakers to censor their films, the taint of an 'X' rating clearly results in massive and arbitrary corporate censorship. Failure to address this problem will help foster a new era of "McCarthyism" in the arts as during the '50s when the networks claimed it was not they who blacklisted artists, but the sponsors.
We therefore strongly suggest that a new rating of 'A' or 'M' be incorporated into the system to indicate that a film contains strong adult themes or images and that minors are not to view them. This is not a compromise between art and commerce, it is an essential action designed to protect the United States Constitution. It is an issue as important as film preservation; in fact, it is film preservation.
Michael Apted
Hector Babenco
Harold Becker
Bernardo Bertolucci
Francis Ford Coppola
Jonathan Demme
Abel Ferarra
Terry Gilliam
Meahem [sic] Golan
Walter Hill Ron Howard [sic]
Jim Jarmusch
John Landis
Charles Lane
Spike Lee
Mark Lester
Barry Levinson
Adrian Lyne
Penny Marshall
Paul Mazursky
Sydney Pollack
Carl Reiner
Rob Reiner
John Sayles
John Schlesinger
Ridley Scott
Steven Soderbergh
Wayne Wang
John Waters
Robert M. Young
Edward Zwick
(P. S. The BLITHERING IDIOT who drafted this masterwork has "arthouse" all over his bio. Nuf said.
Well, one other thing: the "independents" [what a ruse; many of them are owned by JACK's CONSPIRACY] may be right about these @#$%&* SCREENERS -- but a stopped clock can be right every thirteen years too.
One last thing: Menahem Golan, whose name is misspelled here, was one of the industry's leading schlockmeisters, producing several films for SLY [Pffh-hh-hh!].)
CURLEY's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges took time from smearing our efforts in Iraq or selling EisnerCorp Arthouse Movies's new masterpiece to promo the four new colors in Crayola®.
Read this, and the LALA editor's excuses, and you wonder why we need newspapers or CURLEY.
Read this, and the LALA editor's excuses, and you wonder why we need newspapers or CURLEY.
The head gonzo at LALA tells his "story behind the story" (sort of like the flatulent Paul Harvey, n'est pas?), which is the same as before, but because the biz has practiced politics since Horace Greeley insisted the very rich William Henry Harrison lived in a log cabin (and also because Gray said some very nice words to some of his help), few will believe him.
(Speaking of Old Tip I just came across his notorious inaugural address -- in its numbing length and crushing verbiage an inspiration to many of today's leading blown-out lights like Sen. Ossified Kleagle, Sen. Foghorn Leghorn, and JACK!!!!!)
(Speaking of Old Tip I just came across his notorious inaugural address -- in its numbing length and crushing verbiage an inspiration to many of today's leading blown-out lights like Sen. Ossified Kleagle, Sen. Foghorn Leghorn, and JACK!!!!!)
Everybody's favorite born-again preacher (except when ol' Jerry Fleecewell opens his big fat money-sucking trap) DOES IT AGAIN!
You know, Rev. Pat, it would be much simpler to just disperse Foggy Bottom with FANS -- not with NUKES!!
I wonder how Mr. Mowbray reacted. "Uhhh, that's not the kind of people I want reading my book, Pat"?
Preach, have you seen a doctor lately?
You know, Rev. Pat, it would be much simpler to just disperse Foggy Bottom with FANS -- not with NUKES!!
I wonder how Mr. Mowbray reacted. "Uhhh, that's not the kind of people I want reading my book, Pat"?
Preach, have you seen a doctor lately?
McCourt has no plans to relocate the Dodgers to Boston.
What a line. I guess it was an attempt at what news hacks call "humor." But consider: the Dodgers, owned by an Australian firm, will soon be owned by a Bostonian. The Red Sox are owned in part by the New York Times Company. The Braves are owned by a New York firm. Sports are (allegedly) an expression of civic pride; hence the mammoth taxpayer shakedowns for new Taj Mahals. But with all these far-flung absentee landlords leading hordes of mercenaries why should people care for them?
What a line. I guess it was an attempt at what news hacks call "humor." But consider: the Dodgers, owned by an Australian firm, will soon be owned by a Bostonian. The Red Sox are owned in part by the New York Times Company. The Braves are owned by a New York firm. Sports are (allegedly) an expression of civic pride; hence the mammoth taxpayer shakedowns for new Taj Mahals. But with all these far-flung absentee landlords leading hordes of mercenaries why should people care for them?
When somebody like Andy S. gets so worked up over syntax you wonder whether blogging has any meaning.
Is there ever such a thing as an "outsider"? Ah-NULT campaigned as one, but he's the consummate show-biz insider, and has used lots of the same tired old insiders like St. Warren of Buffett and George "Tiger on his Tail" Shultz and Dave "Hooray for Hollywood" Dreier as advisers. WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! may have started out as a lowly soda jerk or whatever, but making millions and rubbing elbows with JACK aren't exactly an outsider's behaviors. The Professor may have started with a blog but now he commands sixteen different media connections and a billion hits a minute. No, once you get the power, you're an insider. And it's wearying to always be on the outside looking in.
More proof NEWS HACKS ARE NEVER WRONG: "distrust of the media" can be "spun." NEWS HACKS would never THINK of doing their own SPINNING.
Rushbo's that's-it-I'm-outta-here "confession" did not please all conservatives.
At least occasionally not everybody does the political sieg heil right or left.
At least occasionally not everybody does the political sieg heil right or left.
Even THE CUBS' OWNER admits the team's economic impact on Chicago during the playoffs will be nil. BUT....
If the Windy Cityites can party like Detroit in '67 afterwards there'll be an impact.
If the Windy Cityites can party like Detroit in '67 afterwards there'll be an impact.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Telemarketers' Next Target: Cell Phones
Maybe this'll get all those people who must play all manner of loud stupid electronic songs and go YAKETYYAKETYYAK into their palms about their sex lives to SHUT UP.
Maybe this'll get all those people who must play all manner of loud stupid electronic songs and go YAKETYYAKETYYAK into their palms about their sex lives to SHUT UP.
NYSE Owes Its Executives $133 Million in Deferred Pay
KaCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING
CHINGCHINGCHING!!!!!
The combined $273 million paid to Grasso and due to the top executives amounts to almost 10 times last year's $28.1 million net income at the NYSE.
KaCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING
CHINGCHINGCHING!!!!!
FREE ENTERPRISE AT WORK, RIGHT, LARRY "GREED IS GOOD" KUDLOW?
KaCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING
CHINGCHINGCHING!!!!!
The combined $273 million paid to Grasso and due to the top executives amounts to almost 10 times last year's $28.1 million net income at the NYSE.
KaCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING
CHINGCHINGCHING!!!!!
FREE ENTERPRISE AT WORK, RIGHT, LARRY "GREED IS GOOD" KUDLOW?
Many killed in Israeli invasion
By definition the word "invasion" is wrong: Israel illegally occupies all the land under its flag. Wouldn't "alien Zionist takeover of Palestine" be better? It might please Freely Fraleigh and P&G and Unilever a lot.
By definition the word "invasion" is wrong: Israel illegally occupies all the land under its flag. Wouldn't "alien Zionist takeover of Palestine" be better? It might please Freely Fraleigh and P&G and Unilever a lot.
OR:
Gee we're almost outta time and I gotta tellya my back's been hurting me and surgery didn't work so I got addicted to painkilling drugs so I'm going on detox we'll have nice guest hosts the next month no calls I don't do interviews BYE!
One of my fellow workers has been out several days with a back problem, so I know the Hobson's choice between surgery and drugs; BUT you were high all the while you lectured America about druggies, AND you make $5 billion a year bloviating, so forgive me Rush, I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.
One irritating consequence of this story is knee-jerk liberals will chortle -- because RUSH IS CONSERVATIVE. Sorry liberals, YOU'RE JUST AS BAD -- IN THE SAME WAY.
Gee we're almost outta time and I gotta tellya my back's been hurting me and surgery didn't work so I got addicted to painkilling drugs so I'm going on detox we'll have nice guest hosts the next month no calls I don't do interviews BYE!
One of my fellow workers has been out several days with a back problem, so I know the Hobson's choice between surgery and drugs; BUT you were high all the while you lectured America about druggies, AND you make $5 billion a year bloviating, so forgive me Rush, I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.
One irritating consequence of this story is knee-jerk liberals will chortle -- because RUSH IS CONSERVATIVE. Sorry liberals, YOU'RE JUST AS BAD -- IN THE SAME WAY.
Reports: Al Qaeda operative sought anthrax
Another good reason we should WAGE PEACE with holy cockroaches.
Another good reason we should WAGE PEACE with holy cockroaches.
My next...significant other!
And I'll tell you why for $5 million.
Which part of Borders will it sell in? Religion, philosophy, psychiatry, jazz history, sexuality or fiction, Perv?
[Newspapers] have to take aim at preteens and teens. Now.
You clowns already are, SOB. Actually, by dumbing down your papers so much you now aim at pre-natal wards.
You clowns already are, SOB. Actually, by dumbing down your papers so much you now aim at pre-natal wards.
It's official: politics and show-biz are one and the same. They both put out an awful product, they're both about empire building, and they both treat their customers with the utmost contempt.
For all the good John Paul has done, he DID NOT deserve the Nobel prize this year -- or any prize save a dunce cap for throwing a huge tantrum over Iraq while turning the other cheek at his American church's rampant buggery.
As I said, let's give the prize permanently to Jimmah! It's worth that much.
As I said, let's give the prize permanently to Jimmah! It's worth that much.
IF YOU'RE HAPPY 'N' YOU KNOW IT WRITE A PUN! (TYPE! TYPE-TYPE!)
IF YOU'RE HAPPY 'N' YOU KNOW IT WRITE A PUN! (TYPE! TYPE-TYPE!)
As I've said before, you KNOW the show-biz flacks and copywriters are VERY happy when they start with their puns. They think it's CREATIVE. FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News caught a lot of heat for its all-too-brief ban on Ah-NULT puns, but it was understandably reacting perhaps to this something in the back of its collective head about the ever-more-mindlessly conformist behavior of news hacks. Reuters already gave us that BITE OUT OF MIRAGE. And REALLY, Freedom Fighter Fighter's Friends, I'M SICK OF PR AS IT IS.
IF YOU'RE HAPPY 'N' YOU KNOW IT WRITE A PUN! (TYPE! TYPE-TYPE!)
As I've said before, you KNOW the show-biz flacks and copywriters are VERY happy when they start with their puns. They think it's CREATIVE. FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News caught a lot of heat for its all-too-brief ban on Ah-NULT puns, but it was understandably reacting perhaps to this something in the back of its collective head about the ever-more-mindlessly conformist behavior of news hacks. Reuters already gave us that BITE OUT OF MIRAGE. And REALLY, Freedom Fighter Fighter's Friends, I'M SICK OF PR AS IT IS.
14 DIE ON A DAY OF BLOODSHED IN IRAQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shut up, PLUMBERS.
Shut up, PLUMBERS.
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Every day news hacks give us more reasons why we can live without them. Every day news hacks challenge us as to why we should pay for their moronic automatic typing. Here is another example. This piece of PR twaddle could have been written by a computer watching television. When computers can beat out humans in writing the filler between newspaper ads -- and I suspect they're close enough -- why do we need all these six- and seven-digit news hacks?
Heart attack! Stomach cancer! Hepatitis B! POISON! "FLU!!!!!"
I'm sure the Palis will tell us. Like Osama would tell us his location.
I'm sure the Palis will tell us. Like Osama would tell us his location.
No sooner does GE Bancorp buy a shiny new gift for its TV networks than a story like this pops up:
Troubling Signs for NBC in New Season
PLASTIC MAN! "ZUCKS" ZUCKER! GET OUT THAT SIX SIGMA!!!!!
No more stories about GE Bancorp today. Promise.
Troubling Signs for NBC in New Season
PLASTIC MAN! "ZUCKS" ZUCKER! GET OUT THAT SIX SIGMA!!!!!
No more stories about GE Bancorp today. Promise.
"There's only one decent and humane reaction to the fall of Saddam Hussein: Good riddance."
There's only one reaction from news hacks, Democrats, Europeans and Arabs to the fall of Saddam Hussein: QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's only one reaction from news hacks, Democrats, Europeans and Arabs to the fall of Saddam Hussein: QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When the news hacks write thumbsuckers about LENO, they engage in self-administered quack psychiatry.
Why is everything in the news today centered on GE Bancorp?
Why is everything in the news today centered on GE Bancorp?
THE PAUL "NUMBERS ARE FUN" KRUGMAN STATISTIC OF THE WEEK:
If you bought $10,000 worth of General Electric stock on the day Jack Welch became chairman and CEO back in 1981, that same investment would be worth over $750 million today. (Emphasis added.)
LIT-TLE JEFFREY!! LOOK BEHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND YOUUUUU!!!!
(Using my handy-dandy super-duper Calculator function I can ascertain that GE Bancorp's market cap in 1981 was $4,040,000.00 [assuming no reinvested dividends]. [On the other hand, if LEGENDARY WELCH bought the stock in '81, it probably was worth over $750 million.] Here is Exhibit #1 in the case of the news biz' penchant for statistical nonsense.)
If you bought $10,000 worth of General Electric stock on the day Jack Welch became chairman and CEO back in 1981, that same investment would be worth over $750 million today. (Emphasis added.)
LIT-TLE JEFFREY!! LOOK BEHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND YOUUUUU!!!!
(Using my handy-dandy super-duper Calculator function I can ascertain that GE Bancorp's market cap in 1981 was $4,040,000.00 [assuming no reinvested dividends]. [On the other hand, if LEGENDARY WELCH bought the stock in '81, it probably was worth over $750 million.] Here is Exhibit #1 in the case of the news biz' penchant for statistical nonsense.)
1 in 5 don’t speak English at home
And thanks to PC educrats, PC bureaucrats and PC businessmen, they may never have to.
And thanks to PC educrats, PC bureaucrats and PC businessmen, they may never have to.
HBO loses its Sunday momentum
Translation: The World's Greatest Network can't succeed without PR -- LOTS of PR -- TONS of MIND-BENDING INTELLIGENCE-INSULTING TV-IS-BETTER-THAN-EVER PR -- and its recent offerings may not be PR-friendly.
Translation: The World's Greatest Network can't succeed without PR -- LOTS of PR -- TONS of MIND-BENDING INTELLIGENCE-INSULTING TV-IS-BETTER-THAN-EVER PR -- and its recent offerings may not be PR-friendly.
Speaking of the devil, WHOOPEE! A LAW AND ORDER CHANNEL!!!!!
The ink's scarcely dry on the papers and already we're wasting money.
And while you're at it, PLASTIC MAN, how 'bout a Woody Woodpecker Channel?
The ink's scarcely dry on the papers and already we're wasting money.
And while you're at it, PLASTIC MAN, how 'bout a Woody Woodpecker Channel?
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Interesting stat:
The new management reckons that after a projected $500 million in cost savings is taken out, the new company will generate an industry-leading 20% operating profit on sales of $13 billion in 2003, with the revenue split evenly between fees and advertising [emphasis added].
In other words, The AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS will effectively finance half of NBC Universal's JUNK movies and TV! I'll say it again: THERE'LL BE NO REFORM OF SHOW-BIZ SO LONG AS MADAVE'S MORONS RUN THE SHOW.
The new management reckons that after a projected $500 million in cost savings is taken out, the new company will generate an industry-leading 20% operating profit on sales of $13 billion in 2003, with the revenue split evenly between fees and advertising [emphasis added].
In other words, The AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS will effectively finance half of NBC Universal's JUNK movies and TV! I'll say it again: THERE'LL BE NO REFORM OF SHOW-BIZ SO LONG AS MADAVE'S MORONS RUN THE SHOW.
O'Reilly ends "Fresh Air" interview early after spat with Gross
Tonight on "The Factor": Why did Gross ambush O'Reilly? (Fox News) (from Romenesko)
Was this a set up?
Tonight on "The Factor": Why did Gross ambush O'Reilly? (Fox News) (from Romenesko)
Was this a set up?
DID YOU GET POINTERS FROM THE PROFESSOR? lgf, who not long ago reported Idi Amin's death weeks before it happened, is quoting something called Guysen.com (Alexa rating: 12,497) that "ARAFAT SERAIT MORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Twenty exclamation points added for emphasis.) But then something called Guysen.com hedges: "La nouvelle de son décès n'est toujours pas confirmée." Well, Idi Amin did kick the bucket eventually, so I guess that makes us one-for-one. Right little?
Or as Google translated it: "A noise runs in the newspaper offices: ARAFAT WOULD HAVE DIED!!!! News to be taken with conditional...." AND: "The news of its death is still not confirmed." I love you, GOOGLE! (As to you, little, I'm not sure yet.)
(By the way little, you run all these gruesome stories about suicide bombings and the perfidy of Islam, but you also use those, uh, whimsical little heads. Isn't there a, uh, disconnect here?)
P. S. I regret to say I had to uninstall Alexa's toolbar. It was slowing down my computers.
Or as Google translated it: "A noise runs in the newspaper offices: ARAFAT WOULD HAVE DIED!!!! News to be taken with conditional...." AND: "The news of its death is still not confirmed." I love you, GOOGLE! (As to you, little, I'm not sure yet.)
(By the way little, you run all these gruesome stories about suicide bombings and the perfidy of Islam, but you also use those, uh, whimsical little heads. Isn't there a, uh, disconnect here?)
P. S. I regret to say I had to uninstall Alexa's toolbar. It was slowing down my computers.
House Panel Votes to Impose Sanctions on Syria
I guess this means GENERAL eventually gets down on bended knee telling the Syrians we're sorry.
I guess this means GENERAL eventually gets down on bended knee telling the Syrians we're sorry.
How typical of news hacks, and especially the ad-blurb copywriters: JACK has done more than any other man to make movies unwatchable, but hacks like Lou "10-Watt" Lumenick want him out because he won't give them free DVDs. Combine this with the Plumbers of the LALATimes and you get people hating the news biz with a passion bordering on homicide.
Why do Muslim girls need Barbie dolls? Won't a Popsicle stick and a piece of black cloth suffice? What they really need is Ken -- I mean, Abdul dolls, in a suitable combative pose, with a recording saying, "I will beat you to everlasting Hell if you do not do EXACTLY as I COMMAND!"
WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, you were full of it before, and YOU'RE FULL OF IT NOW.
For all the blather from news hacks and the un-news-hack news hacks of an ENERGIZED ELECTORATE voter turnout for Ah-NULT's coronation was significantly less than we were told to expect. Apparently too many folks believe democracy is no longer in their hands, but in the handlers' hands, the media's hands, the tantrum throwers' hands, any hands but the PEOPLE'S.
Forget the League of Nations. All its vitriol spewers want to do is screw us (and by extension the Iraqis) in the name of "peace" and "justice," their code words for politically correct totalitarianism.
Oh, great! That "translator" had 132 CDs, not one; he's "an intelligence-school dropout with a history of financial troubles"; and
[his] uncle works for Egyptian intelligence and his girlfriend is another former soldier who was caught in 2001 with a stolen laptop containing classified information. And the punch line: Mehalba had a security clearance[!!!!!!!!!!]
THERE ARE HOLY COCKROACHES AMONG THE HOLY COCKROACHES!
[his] uncle works for Egyptian intelligence and his girlfriend is another former soldier who was caught in 2001 with a stolen laptop containing classified information. And the punch line: Mehalba had a security clearance[!!!!!!!!!!]
THERE ARE HOLY COCKROACHES AMONG THE HOLY COCKROACHES!
Hey navel-staring ass! Tell the family of this woman we should have WAGED PEACE after 9/11!
No, you're better than she. Just like all your fellow retards.
No, you're better than she. Just like all your fellow retards.
OH oh, the new head of the NYSE suggests MR. SHAKEDOWN's lieutenants got paid almost as much as MR. SHAKEDOWN!
Hum that Godfather theme -- again.
Hum that Godfather theme -- again.
Congratulations, OLIVER "CONSPIRACY THEORY" STONE! Thanks to your Castro suck-up you've tightened the noose on other filmmakers!
And the keepers of Castro's dungeons thank you again, OLIVER.
And the keepers of Castro's dungeons thank you again, OLIVER.
China TV: Crew to Orbit Earth on Oct. 15
...and spy on...never mind.
Who wants to bet it doesn't air live?
...and spy on...never mind.
Who wants to bet it doesn't air live?
One wonders, of course, how much the LALATimes' campaign stunt backfired. In normal life Ah-NULT's victory would show the hacks their place, but as we will learn again and again until all the world's trees rot, NEWS HACKS ARE NEVER WRONG.
Some people will never learn. WAGE PEACE and Osama WAGES WAR. And sorry, the holy cockroaches are still out there.
By the way, you look glum, pal. Trouble organizing that WORKERS' PARADISE? Why don't you stop staring in the direction of your navel and GET A LIFE!
Ooooooooooh! President McClellan may have campaigned for fees! Oooooooooooooh!
This will happen when you have Clintons running things.
This will happen when you have Clintons running things.
I am disappointed to hear that the New York Philharmonic and Carnegie Hall have ditched their merger plans. It might have encouraged redevelopment of the ill-begotten casino complex on the Hudson. Back to bad acoustics.
It's official -- Le Compagnie Generale des Eaux takes a bath, and GE Bancorp gets to prove it can WELCH its way to big money in the movies. Good luck, PLASTIC MAN! You're a MOGUL now! Time to SIX SIGMA stars' salaries! Pffh-hh-hh!
I said on August 1 Ah-NULT would run. I said on August 7 Ah-NULT would probably win -- based, as I put it then, on "name recognition," which is surely is a big chunk of why he won. (I was wrong in thinking Gray Davis would resign, but I still believe it would have been a good tactical move -- especially if he and Lt. Gov. Bustabudget had seen eye-to-eye.) Unfortunately I don't get ten billion hits every five minutes, nor do I make $2 billion a year gassing on national radio, but I'm still proud of myself, especially after the PROFESSOR said yesterday HILLARY registered with the FEC for a White House run. Oh well, back to obscurity.
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
No sooner do the Turks flip-flop on Iraq than the Iraqis get angry.
Can't blame 'em. Iraq has lots of enemies. History and the luxury news suites will attest to it.
Can't blame 'em. Iraq has lots of enemies. History and the luxury news suites will attest to it.
Esquire will never be good again (assuming it ever was that good) because, for one thing, Chris "Channel One" Whittle bought it, and when he did, it sold its soul to the company sto'.
The Cubs have Chicago ready to party like it's 1908
I've a hunch if they go all the way the Cubs will have Chicago ready to party like it's Detroit in 1967.
I've a hunch if they go all the way the Cubs will have Chicago ready to party like it's Detroit in 1967.
This business with "screeners" has become another bit of media insider baseball that sails over the head of an uninterested (or as news hacks LOVE to put it, "disinterested") public, but anything that stirs up the hornet's nest that is JACK's Conspiracy is welcome.
Lord Stringer! Call Tokyo!
Lord Stringer! Call Tokyo!
Thanks in no small way (one suspects) to our government's desire to be totally totally in the thrall of PC meisters like SUPERHOOPER, and do anything and everything their corrupt hearts desired, those Muslim fifth-column translators may have "sabotaged" our interrogations at Gitmo.
PROF HAS A FLASH!!!!!!!!! HILLARY'S FILED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some time after his post, he sheepishly admits an outsider probably filed with the FEC. BUT we still got our FLASH.
The power of blogging! IT CAN CURE CANCER!!!!!
Some time after his post, he sheepishly admits an outsider probably filed with the FEC. BUT we still got our FLASH.
The power of blogging! IT CAN CURE CANCER!!!!!
Story of my life:
Suppose You Hosted A Blog And Nobody Came[?]
Surprising news:
Perseus [some consultant who did a study on blogs] estimates there are 4.12 million blogs on eight hosting services. But the research company estimated that 66% - 2.72 million - haven't been updated in two months and that 1.09 million haven't been updated since the first day. The average duration for an abandoned blog was 126 days, according to the survey of 3,634 blogs.
Moreover, the typical blogger is a teen airhead. QED.
Suppose You Hosted A Blog And Nobody Came[?]
Surprising news:
Perseus [some consultant who did a study on blogs] estimates there are 4.12 million blogs on eight hosting services. But the research company estimated that 66% - 2.72 million - haven't been updated in two months and that 1.09 million haven't been updated since the first day. The average duration for an abandoned blog was 126 days, according to the survey of 3,634 blogs.
Moreover, the typical blogger is a teen airhead. QED.
We're not opposed to the means of executions, we're opposed to the executions. How often do the hacks say one thing to say another -- especially with criminals, who bring out the worst of their hearts-and-flowers sentiment?
How apt: Senator Pander Bore's withdrawal is announced by SKNNNNNNNNXXXXX.
Monday, October 06, 2003
The HERO NERO -- RENO gave a few grand to HAMAS, presumably under President Legacy's wandering watchful eye, "to see if the militant group would use it for terrorist attacks" (HARDY HAR HAR!!!!!), which means this is the last we'll hear of it.
Australia’s dingoes face ‘extinction’
Note the quotation marks. Perhaps they're there because somebody in the story was quoted using the world. But how often have news hacks threatened us with the "extinction" of this species or that? No one wants to see any living thing go the way of the passenger pigeon (excepting perhaps certain breeds of cockroaches, but they're forever); still, these are the same Malthusians who always talk up global warming and the ozone hole, and thus have zero credibility.
Note the quotation marks. Perhaps they're there because somebody in the story was quoted using the world. But how often have news hacks threatened us with the "extinction" of this species or that? No one wants to see any living thing go the way of the passenger pigeon (excepting perhaps certain breeds of cockroaches, but they're forever); still, these are the same Malthusians who always talk up global warming and the ozone hole, and thus have zero credibility.
OUR LOLLIPOP LOU DOBBS BAD-TASTE HEADLINE OF THE MONTH:
Tiger bites a chunk out of Mirage
He took a bite out of Roy too (and several hundred people now out of work), but in the KA-CHINGING world of LOLLIPOP LOU (and close friends like UNCLE BERNIE SCHWARTZ) what's people?
THIS HEADLINE BROUGHT TO YOU BY
THE FREEDOM FIGHTER FIGHTER'S FRIEND™.
Tiger bites a chunk out of Mirage
He took a bite out of Roy too (and several hundred people now out of work), but in the KA-CHINGING world of LOLLIPOP LOU (and close friends like UNCLE BERNIE SCHWARTZ) what's people?
THIS HEADLINE BROUGHT TO YOU BY
THE FREEDOM FIGHTER FIGHTER'S FRIEND™.
Despite my pessimism that MEGAMEDIA can ever be brought down, there is a glimmer of hope: the movie biz didn't see sound coming, and it didn't see TV coming. Led by JACK the OGRE, it didn't see the Web coming. One hopes JACK and the Conspiracy will pay big time for their myopia -- but (as I said before) The AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS will make them whole again.
Don't you feel sorry for Southern Democrats? They were on the wrong side of history during the Civil War, and they're on the wrong side of history now.
I like it: you can go on the Web to search a zillion Web sites for the rock fad of the moment, and then you can go on the Web to fine-tune your hearing aid. What hath God wrought?
October 06, 2003 ........ Subscribe to Entertainment Weekly already! [ad]
Cut the yeast
: Oliver Willis cautions that blogs don't cure cancer.
There goes that Nobel, Professor.
Cut the yeast
: Oliver Willis cautions that blogs don't cure cancer.
There goes that Nobel, Professor.
Iraq: Fear smothers women's rights
WhoawhoawhoawhoaWHOA Osama Channel. Women? Rights? I thought your women's only rights were to be beaten and murdered!
WhoawhoawhoawhoaWHOA Osama Channel. Women? Rights? I thought your women's only rights were to be beaten and murdered!
See! See NewsMax? He MUST be a conservative. He uses the same annoying bad grammar as YOU!
I wish I could be as optimistic as JESUS II's newfound fellow-mogul friend in the regenerative powers of the destruction of traditional show-biz by file sharing. But there's one big reason not to be hopeful: all these burgeoning artistes will have as their only points of reference the "homogenized, crummy stuff" the likes of JACK and the Conspiracy have shoved down their throats for decades. Where will the inspiration come? How can future Gershwins and O'Neills and Griffiths emerge? Genius does not spring full blown out of our cultural ground. And people simply are not as well educated as those who helped make show business a powerhouse in the last century -- in book learning or street smarts. We can only hope for more of the same, to those infernal "niche" audiences. More to the point, so long as The AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS remains show-business's sugar daddy, so long as advertising vice-presidents have fiefdoms to protect, so long as there is no internal impetus to stop spending willy-nilly on basest junk, it can continue as profitably as before, ever disdaining the wishes of its audience. Our only hope there is if the PVRs encourage effective commercial avoidance, and even then the temptation to spend the money will be too great.
You can take HOWELL out of the Times but you can't take THE HOWELL out. Here A. O. with B. O. wishes there were graffiti all over New York again. Well what's stopping you, A. O.? Get some of the more prominent "artists" and have them spray paint the Times Building -- or Pinch's house!
Years ago, when I still read newspaper comics, I knew Dagwood Bumstead was asleep when he went SKNNNNNNNNXXXXX. Today, David "S. as in Sominex" Broder pulls another patented SKNNNNNNNNXXXXX on his readers. What it says, in so many words (try reading it and you may doze off) is, thank God for electrifying leaders like John Spratt and Barney Frank, or else we'd be overwhelmed by -- THE FORCES OF REACTION.
SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXX.
SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXX.
WAGE FREEZE AT TOP OF TROUBLED TIME
Happily the TWXsters are selling a LOT of online subscriptions!
I'm sure I feel sorry for all those Time Warner Magazines employees who'll have to get along on "$150,000 or more a year." AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Happily the TWXsters are selling a LOT of online subscriptions!
I'm sure I feel sorry for all those Time Warner Magazines employees who'll have to get along on "$150,000 or more a year." AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
I wish I knew why this general has to say these things. Of course there will be more casualties; it's the price for a free Iraq. But by concentrating on casualties the general hands another weapon to the news hacks who, almost to a man -- PERSON! PERSON!!!! -- want us out of there so they can relive the glory of Vietnam. The hacks are guerilla soldiers in "asynchronous warfare," and they'll use every opportunity to put us out of sync. One wishes the general would not be so eager to placate them.
Sunday, October 05, 2003
I see MR. MARK is initiating a new series of advertorials where his ad-blurb copywriters get to tell today's show-biz geniuses how brilliant they are, and their subjects shoot back that hey, they're even more brilliant.
If it weren't for waiting rooms and classrooms, MR. MARK, WHO'D READ NEWSWEEKLIES?
If it weren't for waiting rooms and classrooms, MR. MARK, WHO'D READ NEWSWEEKLIES?
It appears Gov. Ah-NULT hopes to govern by catch phrase. That's not going to mow down your enemies, Gov. Ah-NULT.
Why have the arts done nothing with 9/11? asks The Gliberal of himself, continuing a long proud tradition of posing deep questions to an audience of one. Alas, before he can answer, his face turns beet-red and his head swells to three times normal as he beholds the apotheosis of eeeeeeeeevil, GEORGE W. BUSH.
The Gliberal once again proves some people shouldn't write without parental supervision.
The Gliberal once again proves some people shouldn't write without parental supervision.
Big businessmen lick their chops at the prospect of exporting jobs, perhaps because with more and more people working overseas there'll be fewer and fewer to bother them on the golf course.
Faced with a glut of talent in this golden age of show-business genius, entrepreneurs are forced into gimmicky revivals of the dead, such as Radio City's exhumation of Ol' Blue, which only further highlight the glut of talent in this golden age of show-business genius.
'Safe haven' for advertisers: Family-friendly slate working for Hallmark Channel
Isn't every channel a safe haven for advertisers?
Isn't every channel a safe haven for advertisers?
MR. MARK of BLUNDER rag, his super-marketing head reeling, knows people may be getting slightly tired of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what does he do? HE PUTS KOBE ON THE COVER!!!!!!!!!!
Reading this story about the oafish ex-baseball hero Darren Daulton reminds me that the Internet is evolving into an international collective memory, and it is becoming more difficult for our superiors to escape their sordid pasts.
But then with his background he could run for governor somewhere.
But then with his background he could run for governor somewhere.
Clint Eastwood's favorite movie this year is the two-part sequel to "The Matrix." Not that he thinks it's good, or even claims to have seen it. He was out of the country when the first half, "The Matrix Reloaded," opened in May, and has forgotten its title. (The second part opens a month from today.)
"'Unloaded,' whatever it is," he said. "All I know is that it was the best friend we had when we were working on our movie."
HERE'S THE PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR JACK'S JOB!!!!!
"'Unloaded,' whatever it is," he said. "All I know is that it was the best friend we had when we were working on our movie."
HERE'S THE PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR JACK'S JOB!!!!!
If our schools can't teach even the least principles of good citizenship, if they can't even pay lip service to those principles, why bother with them?
And to compound the offense the Pledge was required of New York's schools after 9/11. A total disgrace.
And to compound the offense the Pledge was required of New York's schools after 9/11. A total disgrace.
And in still more headline conjuring:
California Recall a Referendum on Schwarzenegger
There's just one problem. There wouldn't be a recall if it weren't for THE GOVERNOR. Oh well, I guess things become "referendums" on Ah-NULT when the guy's a Republican. (It doesn't help, of course, that he's a FLAMING BOOR either.)
California Recall a Referendum on Schwarzenegger
There's just one problem. There wouldn't be a recall if it weren't for THE GOVERNOR. Oh well, I guess things become "referendums" on Ah-NULT when the guy's a Republican. (It doesn't help, of course, that he's a FLAMING BOOR either.)
Pope, Looking Slightly Stronger, Makes More Saints
There is something typically tone-deaf and obstinate about this head, which makes it sound as though the Pope guzzled a bottle of Geritol, put on his wizard's hat, did an abracadabra with his hands and "made" saints in test tubes and flasks. But when you're as removed from reality as news hacks you can conjure up any kind of news you like. (And of COURSE, this is REUTERS, which makes freedom fighters out of terrorists.)
There is something typically tone-deaf and obstinate about this head, which makes it sound as though the Pope guzzled a bottle of Geritol, put on his wizard's hat, did an abracadabra with his hands and "made" saints in test tubes and flasks. But when you're as removed from reality as news hacks you can conjure up any kind of news you like. (And of COURSE, this is REUTERS, which makes freedom fighters out of terrorists.)