Posted 8:22 PM by Gene

Why do people want to make sitcoms about people who ARE sitcoms?

Posted 7:58 PM by Gene

The problem, TINA, is that with news hacks we see the world through dark red-tinted sunglasses with bulbous lenses covered with gauze -- and with blinders on. I suspect the real reason you're ticked, TINA, is is that there might be fewer chances for superglib, terminally trendy folk like you to have any staying power because a bunch of AMATEURS can tear your pretensions to shreds. If there IS one hope, though, it's that you helped bequeath us GRAYDON, a man whose excellence seems destined to last FOREVER.

Posted 6:14 PM by Gene

CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES ALERT:

BEIRUT, Lebanon - The militant demand that a French ban on Islamic head scarves be overturned has raised an unprecedented backlash among religious and political leaders in the Middle East, who have often been silent about hostage slayings and other terrorism.

Isn't that paragraph a firing offense, CURLEY?

We're in a pretty pickle when we have to analyze EVERY news story for its PC.

Posted 5:57 PM by Gene

I know I promised to saying nothing again about the -- you know, I'm having the foggiest time remembering what it was called, wasn't it about rings, and Hitler, and, oh well -- anyway, buried deep in this story about GE Bancorp Network's recent celebration in Greece (that's what it was!) and the huge monetary hangover following is this little nugget:

In an acknowledgment of Greece's struggle to pay for the Olympics, the International Olympic Committee announced plans to cut the scale of the Olympics in the future. It proposed more than 100 recommendations to combat what it called the "gigantism" of the event, including cutbacks in venues and credentials, and said some of the measures will be implemented by the 2006 Winter Games in Turin.

In other words, there may not need to be as many "sports" as media outlets. But then there's this very good news: GE Bancorp won't permit its subsid to ditch any sports until it puts it up for potential sale in 2012! Such forward thinking, LITTLE JEFFREY!

P. S. Montreal won't finish paying off its debt until 2006, thirty years after "Nadia's Theme." I've got a better song for the GAMES: "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?"

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

JEFFREY KATZENBERG BLAMES HIS SHOW ON THE PROMO DEPARTMENT!!!!! It seems the table pounders are the reason BILLIONAIRES FOR BUSH-LEAGUE TV (no offense, Dubya) didn't like his MASTERWORK, rather suprising as 1. Advertisers are supposed to buy blind, and 2. It sounds like something right up the plausible-denial alley. Luckily GE Bancorp Network landed TOYOTA, evidence somebody was willing to sponsor anything. Wouldn't you really rather have a BUICK?

Oh, I forgot. GM SPONSORED THE OSAMA CHANNEL.

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

Because liberals are temperamentally self-critical, they tend to see more grays than black-and-whites.

TRANSLATION: ST. WARREN pays this scribbler a million bucks to praise himself.

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

Inconvenient juxtaposition in Kinsley.com:

Being There
What does 9/11 tell us about Bush? Nothing.

...which, when I visited the page, was right below...


WHORVIS COMMUNICATIONS, a demagogue -- or as Don Marquis's eloquent cockroach archy wrote, "MILLIONAIRES AND BUMS TASTE ABOUT ALIKE TO ME."

Posted 5:13 PM by Gene

Which reminds me: despite stories like this many bloggers are smiling that the days of BIG MEDIA ruling us with the stainless-steel fist in a titanium glove are coming to an end. To them I repeat: calculate the revenues and profits of BIG MEDIA -- and those of BLOGGERS. NO CONTEST.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

A question no one at THE PAPER OF RECORD will answer: Given your familiarity and SYMPATHY with the NOBLE PROTESTERS, do you PARTICIPATE? Or is THAT against a PIECE OF PAPER?

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

The McCain Phenomenon

HOW WAS THE PARTY, SKNNNNNNNNNNX?

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

And in FURTHER news of IMMORTALS:

McCain's Birthday Party Faithful

• Sen. John McCain tended to his political base Sunday night: the entire national media. The maverick Arizona Republican, once (and future?) presidential aspirant and press secretary's dream hosted a hyper-exclusive 68th birthday party for himself at La Goulue on Madison Avenue, leaving no media icon behind. Guests included NBC's Tom Brokaw and Tim Russert, ABC's Peter Jennings, Barbara Walters, Ted Koppel and George Stephanopoulos, CBS's Mike Wallace, Dan Rather and Bob Schieffer, CBS News President Andrew Heyward, ABC News chief David Westin, Time Warner CEO Richard Parsons, CNN's Judy Woodruff and Jeff Greenfield, MSNBC's Chris Matthews, CNBC's Gloria Borger, PBS's Charlie Rose -- pause here to exhale -- and U.S. News & World Report publisher Mort Zuckerman, Washington Post Chairman Don Graham, New York Times columnists William Safire and David Brooks, author Michael Lewis and USA Today columnist Walter Shapiro. They and others dined on lobster salad, loin of lamb, assorted wines, creme brulee, lemon souffle and French tarts.

NUF SAID.

Posted 8:59 AM by Gene

The world smiles, and the Palestinians speak in English.

Posted 8:36 AM by Gene

LEGENDARY WELCH'S GHOST wants to be the GRAYDON of BUSINESS!

Now THAT'S COURAGE.

Posted 6:49 AM by Gene

They should have ignored you, P. R. MIKE, but that's like ignoring a plague of locusts.

P. S.:

The episode left Owen Ullman, deputy managing editor of USA Today's editorial page, red-faced and a bit shaken. Ullman was, in effect, Moore's sponsor, and thus was left to plead on his behalf with waves of security personnel.

"We invited Mr. Moore to write a column for us, and he asked if he could unobtrusively observe the convention," said Ullman, recognizing with hindsight the absurdity of that proposition. "We did not anticipate that many would consider him the story and that it would create such commotion."

Unfortunately things will happen, USAOKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, when you invite a plague of locusts into Madison Square Garden.

Posted 6:42 AM by Gene

And speaking of the senior nuisance from Arizona, Whinin' Poutin' Richard thinks when he whispers sweet little nothings into news hacks' ears he tells the "truth," further underlining that the scribblers are among the most easily seduced people on earth.

Posted 6:34 AM by Gene

WHAT HE REALLY WANTED TO SAY:

"Despite the fact that my DEAR friend and colleague the junior senator from Massachusetts is a swell, swell, swell, SWELL guy and would make a very, VERY good president, I support the reelection of George W. Bush!

"I think."

Posted 6:21 AM by Gene

Here's a thought for Democrats: PAUL WOLFOWITZ PUT HIM THERE!!!!!

Let's see you campaign on THAT, DIP!

Posted 6:19 AM by Gene

Headline of the Month:

No Headline.

However, as it's about the infomercial, it has the advantage of being true.

Posted 7:32 PM by Gene

I guess it was this or a jet-powered skateboard.

Posted 7:27 PM by Gene

PRNewswire presents SPIN...

Knight Ridder and MSNBC to Conduct Major Series of Polls and Analysis of Presidential Election Voters in Key Swing States

...and SELL....

Eminem Gearing Up To Release New Album, ENCORE, On November 16, 2004

After the HACKS are through with these stories America should have a nervous breakdown.

Posted 6:34 PM by Gene

And speaking thereof, this is the last Web site that should ridicule voice menus.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

I'm surprised Kinsley.com obscured this one -- after all, it KNOCKS REPUBLICANS -- but face it, red-country pop culture stinks up the gym as much as the blue-country, only where the one does it with (c)rappers and movie-star fornicators, the other does it with patriotic doggerel and "Christian" "music." Either way, it's an eyesore and an earache.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

Bombs? WHAT bombs?

Posted 5:13 PM by Gene

You'll never guess who owns so much of the BIGMEDIA that donate a platform for Billionaires for Bush. Just guess.

Sorry, obscene wealth cuts both ways.

Posted 5:13 PM by Gene

If studying music makes you smarter, why are so many musicians broke?

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

HOWIE "THE HAIR SHIRT" KURTZISM AT FULL TILT: Hacks at KnightRidder Miami Newspaper Monopoly are forbidden to buy tickets to political concerts for fear of making contributions, which should not forbid them from raving the concerts for their politics one bit.

Posted 12:16 PM by Gene

Al-Jazeera calls for release of French hostages

Pffh-hh-hh-hh-hh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Posted 10:42 AM by Gene

MORTIFYING: That fire in the Jewish community center in Paris -- the story that got me linked through the Professor -- was apparently set by a Jew.

One thing blogging and news hackery have in common is that too much space can come between the story and the clarfication.

Posted 10:22 AM by Gene

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

Even EU Wouldn't Accept Venezuela's Election

Venezuela's recent recall election, monitored by former President Jimmy Carter, was so rigged in advance in favor of President Hugo Chavez that the European Union (EU) refused to play an observer's role.

A Wall Street Journal op-ed also claimed....

NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 6:35 AM by Gene

Okay, one LAST word on whatever it was that happened the last two weeks:

Some Greeks, in interviews in the newspapers and calls to radio talk shows, have started to blame their country's high security costs on the United States, which they saw as the principal terrorist target during the Olympics.

Shut up. You'll be paying billions for your white elephants for decades because YOU WANTED TO.

And finally, there's this last word: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING.

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

But guess what, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Republicans! We have -- OUR SIDE BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

It's gonna be a LONG four days.

Posted 6:22 AM by Gene

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Republicans will remind people about 9/11! PINCH! We MUST do something about it! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

Posted 5:58 PM by Gene

And on this day THE GAMES enter obscurity:

Some Moderate Republicans Criticize Bush

"Instead of partisan ideology — which increasingly has led moderates to leave the party — what's needed is a speedy return to the pragmatic, problem-solving mainstream," the group called Mainstream 2004 said in newspaper advertisements to be published Monday....

The list of Republicans signing the ad include former GOP Govs. David Cargo of New Mexico, Dan Evans of Washington, A. Linwood Holton of Virginia, William Milliken of Michigan, Walter Peterson of New Hampshire; former U.S. Sens. Charles Mathias of Maryland and Robert Stafford of Vermont; and Nathaniel Reed, former assistant Interior Secretary under Presidents Nixon and Ford, and Russell Train, EPA administrator under Presidents Nixon and Ford.

WHO?!?!?

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

Last word until 2006:

"As I was watching Phelps win his last medal, my wife turned to me and asked, `Whatever happened to Mark Spitz?'"

Posted 3:57 PM by Gene

McCain seeks to close TV ad loophole

And when this doesn't work we'll try something else.

Posted 1:20 PM by Gene

Demonstrations aren't the way to get your message across anymore. Because now, you can own your own newspaper.

YES STERNO, we ALL use toilet paper. Alas, it only stops up a toilet.

Posted 1:15 PM by Gene

Speaking of INFOMERCIALS, 146 hacks are covering this week's for THE PAPER OF RECORD alone.

Wouldn't they be better off in the streets joining the protesters?

Posted 1:07 PM by Gene

Here's another problem with blogging: you get so caught up in the CW you get sucker-punched by the facts. I still submit THE GAMES are the biggest overhyped non-event this side of THE INFOMERCIALS, and it will be a relief not to hear of them again for another 30 months (or the INFOMERCIALS for four years); but after all the trash-talking and bad-mouthing, as a spectacle they seem to have come off well (they'd better have for all the money wasted), and Dave Barry speaks for all of us who have every right to be ashamed at our lock-step caterwauling.

My heart hasn't been in posting these last few days, and this is a good reason why.

Posted 8:59 AM by Gene

Looks like these GAMES, just like the last ones, will be remembered for the JUDGING.

Assuming, as always, that people remember them.

Posted 8:50 AM by Gene

Not-So-Swift Columnists for Truth is appalled.

And not-so-truthful, if we can judge from the shenanigans surrounding your CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED novel.

Posted 8:38 AM by Gene

I wonder if this story has given a cue to the LOOLOOS not to riot for the cause? Someone should tell them PINCH would be even MORE admiring. (Not that he wouldn't admire them if they DID.)

Posted 7:20 PM by Gene

Non-story of next week: who wants to bet USAOKAY!!!!! superstar flack P. R. MIKE tries to egg the Pubbies on to revoke his credentials -- and that the Pubbies revoke his credentials?

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

PINCH is WORRIED.

The good news is, they're "FRAGMENTED." The bad news is, THEY AIN'T REPUBLICANS.

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

Be careful what you wish for....

The creator of the infamous "butterfly ballot" used in the 2000 presidential election is fighting for her job as Palm Beach County's elections chief....

Democrats are now seeking redemption by trying to replace LePore with a former county school board member, Arthur Anderson.

I know, I know, spelled with an E. They'd have been better off with a Chad.

Posted 2:19 PM by Gene

Russia focuses on female 'Chechen' passengers after twin plane crashes

ELLEN GOODMAN!

Posted 12:14 PM by Gene

THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:



I know more than you.

I make lots more money than you.

I'm smarter than you.

I'm sexier than you.

I appear on TV all the time.

I work ten minutes a day.

I rule the universe.

I'm going to live forever.

You are an idiot.

Posted 11:05 AM by Gene

Shucks, heroism in liter-ah-teeyurre goes unrewarded.

TRANSLATION: Not ALL publicity stunts work.

Posted 8:24 AM by Gene

Why in God's (er, SUMNER'S) name would one of America's biggest media crime families sue America's biggest public relations outfit? There was something for both sides in the Hillary publicity: for the CON, sales; for the publicists, "news." One suspects there was a lot of mutual backscratching going on beforehand, copyrights notwithstanding.

Posted 8:12 AM by Gene

Pay close attention:

Before news of the cancellation became known, activists had been secretly planning to stage further protests over the weekend, sources in the anti-war movement said.

Sounds like the Reut's in cahoots with mobs. Wonder if they'll use this kind of wording during the INFOMERCIAL.

P. S.:

In 1999, during a visit by then-President Clinton, battles between protesters and police turned downtown Athens into a riot zone.

Maybe PRESIDENT DIPPITY-DO!!!!! won't have a love in.

Posted 8:12 AM by Gene

MENSA RAINES'S greatest crusade ends in IGNOMINIOUS DEFEAT as the MASTERS gets ADS AGAIN. Now to go after the sponsors. This week at the INFOMERCIAL, perhaps?

Posted 5:44 PM by Gene

Surprise, surprise: Henry the K engaged in some realism over Argentina.

I guess he'd be a con-SER-va-tive hero too but he never stood for FREE ENTERPRISE.

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

Today was a dark day for many con-SER-va-tives: their HERO Gen. Pinochet was DEPRIVED OF HIS RIGHTS.

Lest we forget the heroic GENERAL deprived many Chileans of theirs.

Posted 5:39 PM by Gene

Mummified Canadian unnoticed for 2 years

No NO, I could say something, but it would be too easy.

EH?

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

Pipe bomb explodes at U.S. stem-cell lab

Wanna bet the HACKS take their usual jackhammer-on-fly approach thanks to -- THE A WORD?

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

When Kinsley.com gets riled over the music used by gymnasts, you know THE GAMES aren't worth watching, nor Kinsley.com worth reading.

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

One of the first things DIPPITY-DO!!!!!'ll DO as president is make a pretentious, highly-choreographed international tour (organized no doubt with the help of mobmeisters like the ones in Athens) where he'll wade into crowds and yell, "I LOVE the UNITED NATIONS!"

The first sign of trouble he hides in the White House.

Posted 2:54 PM by Gene

The seven-foot-tall fat ladies have sung.

Posted 2:51 PM by Gene

Flying Cars Reportedly Still Decades Away

TRANSLATION: Traffic jams in the sky still decades away.

Posted 1:26 PM by Gene

The more things change....

Crouse is especially tough on the White House press corps, "a strange mixture of professional witnesses, decree-promulgators, cheerleaders, hard-diggers, goldbricks and gadflies." He quotes Russell Baker, who served time there, as calling it an "airless kind of work" because "the White House was like a Stuart court, Baker thought, and all the correspondents lingered like courtiers in the antechambers." The White House is the ultimate Winner's Bus, with predictable consequences:

"Some reporters thrived in this suffocating palace atmosphere. They began to think of themselves as part of the White House, and they proudly identified themselves as being 'from the White House press' instead of mentioning the paper they worked for. They forgot that they were handout artists and convinced themselves that they were somehow associates of a man who was shaping epochal events. . . . The faces of these men [in old photos on the pressroom wall] were infused with a funny expression, a pathetic aura of pride, a sense that they were taking part in the colossal moments of history. Now most of those moments were forgotten, and no one remembered a word that any of these men had written."

"Men" is the word, all right. Women were rarities, at the White House and even more so on the bus. Crouse argues that "some of the toughest pieces on the 1972 Nixon campaign" were done by women because "having never been allowed to join in the cozy, clubby world of the men, they had developed an uncompromising detachment and a bold independence of thought which often put the men to shame." Perhaps that was true then, but women are in the club now -- and blacks and Hispanics and gays and everyone else -- and guess what? The pack is bigger than ever -- at this year's Democratic convention the media outnumbered the delegates 3 to 1 -- but it's still a pack.

Posted 1:24 PM by Gene

Veterans' hospitals?

Sounds like they're getting desperate.

Posted 9:43 AM by Gene

THE MENSA MAN OF NEWS wants the HACKS to go after DUBYA for being STOOOOOOPID!

Hey MENSA! If you're so smart why did you hire JAYSON?

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

Next week's THOREAUS of MANHATTAN believe themselves an enlightened bunch fighting fat-cat Babbitts, so answer me this: why do the Thoreaus seem at least as mindlessly conformist as the Babbitts? Or does mindless conformity become a virtue when it has (favorite NEWS HACK word) an EDGE?

Posted 9:02 AM by Gene

In his last four paragraphs today Mr. Hanson has outdone himself. The unintentional truth shading of the battlefield spawns the outright lie of the campaign trail; but despite the DIP's current lack of valor perhaps now is the time to "drop the mess." That seems unlikely, though, so long as DIP is in denial, and his enemies have a grudge.

Posted 8:10 AM by Gene

The theft of Edvard Munch's ``Scream,'' whose image has appeared on television screens around the world since the painting was stolen from an Oslo museum on Sunday, may boost prices of the Norwegian artist's works, art dealers and auctioneers said.

Hmmm...did that museum steal its own paintings?

Posted 6:35 AM by Gene

After this election, Chuck, we may all need therapy.

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

This advertorial does not merely reek with contempt for the reader, it soaks in it. It is one thing when you plug something because all your fellow news hacks do it; it's another when you act as an organization-man ad copywriter. NEWS HACKS can talk ethics until they're blue in the face but we can always see the green bulging out of their pockets. If this wasn't paid for, it sounds paid.

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

The other day the hacks, when not fulminating over the rapid meltdown of their hero DIPPITY-DO!!!!! on the hustings, ran yet another press release for a favorite magazine. Hef's rag long ago outlived its usefulness. And it wasn't that original in the first place; it was the mere bastard offspring in print of the great Ziegfeld's great shows, and of his imitators in Broadway and burlesque, who differed from Ziegfeld by putting the leer in public nudity. Then the NINE FINGERS IN THE WIND knew it when they saw it when they felt it when they pinched it when they smelled it, and quickly sex became BORING, and Hef's masterwork a relic that could not modernize without being porno, but couldn't stay the same without being retro, and today floats in a hopeless time warp. This is also a tacit admission that, face it, today's models are faceless.

Posted 4:53 PM by Gene

Does anyone want another demonstration of why our culture stinks? Take this gander at Playbill.com:

Additional casting has been announced for the upcoming TV remake of "Once Upon a Mattress."

As previously reported, the TV film will star Tracey Ullman as Princess Winnifred, Matthew Morrison as Sir Harry, Denis O'Hare as Prince Dauntless and Zooey Deschanel as Lady Larkin. Carol Burnett, who starred in Mattress on Broadway in 1959 and on television in 1964 (in black and white) and in 1972 (in color), will play the conniving Queen Aggravain.

Liz Smith reports that Tommy Smothers has joined the company as King Sextimus and Edward Hibbert, who had been in negotiations, will indeed play the role of the Wizard. ABC will present the television special, although no air date has been announced.

Culture? This is exhumation.

Posted 1:50 PM by Gene

"Our main influence, if we have any, is indirect," says Josh Chafetz, who writes political commentary at Oxblog.blogspot.com.

Now I feel better about getting a handful of hits a day.

Posted 1:31 PM by Gene

RUPERT MURDOCH! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!!

(Pffh-hh-hh!)

Posted 9:35 AM by Gene

Critics Call for Rumsfeld to Resign over Abuse

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

Posted 8:37 AM by Gene

WHOOPEE!! GE Bancorp will make $60 or $70 MILLION from its ORGY instead of $50 MILLION! WEEEEE-YUUUU!!!!!

Yeah. How much did the TWXSTERS invest in G000,000,000,000,000GLE?

Posted 8:23 AM by Gene

ANARCHISTS FOR DIPPITY-DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The PINCHES must be running around like Perdue broilers with their heads cut off. "Why can't they realize THEY DO NOT HELP THE CAUSE?????"

And here's an exercise in nostalgia:

[A] 20-year-old New Yorker who allegedly leads "The Organization" is advocating shutting down the Brooklyn Bridge, and hurling bricks followed by Molotov cocktails through the windows of military recruiting stations, according to these reports. The man has four minor arrests for nonviolent offenses and the Daily News is withholding his name.

News hacks! Sing along: "I wish I was eighteen again...."

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

And as the noble senator left the room, one of the reporters, all of whom had tears in their eyes, beseeched him, "If only you could run for president!"

"I'll think about it," said the noble senator, nattily adjusting his tie and hopping three feet in the air, avoiding the ceiling as he did so.

Posted 6:29 AM by Gene

When choosing between news and a publicity stunt, most news hacks will choose the publicity stunt. And when choosing between conservative and liberal -- well, let's put it this way: you don't get promoted in the NEWS BIZ unless you adhere to what OMERTA calls THE CODE. Stories like this help explain why conservatives think the book retailing biz (which also deals in degraded "intellectual property") has it in for them with that Swifty tome, even though the fault lies with its publisher for not printing them fast enough.

Posted 6:23 AM by Gene

Proof that eBay ALWAYS works: One reason it has a P/E of 4700 (or whatever it is) is that lots of ladies took to trading their TY BEANIE BABIES over it. Now, wouldn't you know it, they're just thread and stuffing, gathering smells in closets, awaiting the trash truck. Somehow I do not feel sorry for the masses who wasted fortunes on these things -- especially as they weren't even cute.

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

OH NO! THE WORLD HAS ENDED!! BUSH LEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time for the JONESTOWN plan, hacks?

Posted 7:53 PM by Gene

And in more bad news for TRUTH, JUSTICE, and the AMERICAN WAY, the proud self-appointed successors of Thoreau and Dr. King won't be allowed to trample the grass of Central Park, meaning they must be content to trample the streets.

Posted 7:48 PM by Gene

The Swift Boat saga has now departed the realm where the truth may out and entered the land of Rashomon, where truth is merely a function of politics. And no where is truth more subservient to politics than with the NEWS HACKS, who seem to be working overtime electing THEIR MAN president, as ever unknowing as to WHY they want to elect him president, except that he's a Democrat, and that's a good reason.

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

Taking a cue from the Titanic memorabilia exhibit on display at the Franklin Institute, Democratic presidential nominee John F. Kerry told a crowd at the institute last night that "the story of the Titanic is just like the story of this administration."

TRANSLATION: This campaign has struck an iceberg.

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

If He Only Had a Heart

Look at it this way: we could get a Scarecrow, a Tin Man and a Cowardly Lion in ONE PRESIDENT! That's better than Slick's twofer by any stretch.

And as a bonus we'd get the Wicked Witch of the West.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

And in other French news...here's a new docudrama that shows the human side of Hitler!

I guess we never get to see his subhuman side.

Posted 1:18 PM by Gene

On Aug. 25 ...
1944: Paris was liberated by Allied forces after four years of Nazi occupation.

And they've been unhappy ever since.

Posted 11:46 AM by Gene

SCANDAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUSH CAMPAIGN'S TOP OUTSIDE LAWYER RESIGNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can hear PINCH now: "WE'LL CARRY THIS FOOTBALL FOR WEEKS!!!!!"



That's more than DIPPITY-DO! can say.

Posted 9:10 AM by Gene

OMERTA ISSUES A THREAT TO CONSERVATIVES:

YOU CAN REPORT, BUT WE WILL DECIDE!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

Do pop-up ads "detecting" spyware pop up on computers without spyware?

Posted 8:57 AM by Gene

BUSH CAMPAIGN LAWYER AIDS ANTI-KERRY VETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of President Bush's election lawyers also advises a group running ads against Democratic rival John Kerry. A Democratic Party attorney works for the group behind commercials that criticize Bush.

BIAS? WHAT BIAS?

Posted 8:53 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: This chameleon doesn't have stripes to change.

Posted 8:32 AM by Gene

The professional college football programs make money hand over fist with seat-license -- er, DONATIONS.

WHY NOT HAND THE MONEY OVER TO YOUR INDENTURED SERVANTS?

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

The Republicans will always have this problem: they'll always look like executives (which, in the liberal's mindset, means they look like Mafiosi). The Democrats will never have this problem. They'll always look like slobs.

Posted 7:26 PM by Gene

According to REALTORS® [sic], owning a home in the land of smog, gridlock, earthquakes, and assorted fruits and nuts now costs 21.4 percent more.

And with REALTORS® one always guesses if this is good news or bad news.

Posted 7:18 PM by Gene

Two Russian passenger jets crash

Coincidence? Or sabotage?

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

The Internet is not always right:

Sales of Heinz Foods [SIC] down 9% last quarter

Wrong. Profits were down 9 percent (because of some special charges). Underlying operating profits were up and SALES WERE UP ABOUT 5 PERCENT. [Actually, 5.7 percent. --ED]

I'm against Karry [SIC] as much as anyone, but let's not repeat bad information even if it might have come from the MSM.

Good job, Cousin Eddie.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

KnightRidder Philadelphia Newspaper Monopoly is evidently teaming up with our local GE Bancorp Network station to monopolize the news. Talk about irony-deprived; when Ambassador Annenberg owned the Philly rags he also owned the "famous" WFIL-TV (you know, American Bandstand?) meaning he could be lousy in news at least three ways. Someone in the Tower of Babble on Broad Street pines for the old Ambassador.

Posted 4:52 PM by Gene

I wish I knew why America has a (PR-driven) collective breakdown over beach volleyball. The girls are too tanned to be healthy, and they have "powerful" curve-deprived figures; just because a woman has a washboard midriff doesn't make her sexy. Give me Marilyn any day, or the ample flesh of the heavenly bodies of Titian or Renoir.

Posted 4:50 PM by Gene

Swift, Cheap and Out of Control

Kinsley.com on a good day.

Posted 4:45 PM by Gene

If birds are descended from dinosaurs, someone tell me...what did dinosaurs do for worms?

Posted 10:40 AM by Gene

SHUCKS, Bobby Fischer isn't German after all.

The Axis is dead.

Posted 9:17 AM by Gene

One 18-year-old man who was asking drivers for money yesterday at the Melnea Cass intersection said that for many Boston panhandlers, soliciting from motorists is the only legal option they have.

''A lot of these guys here, that's how they support their habit; they're not out robbing and stealing and stuff," said the man, who would not give his name.

He was telling motorists he needed $3.75 for train fare to get home. He didn't tell them he lives in a shelter just down the street.

''There's a lot of people who listen to what I have to say and give me exactly what I want," said the man, who added that he made $50 in an hour Sunday night. ''I feel bad sometimes."

I feel bad too. He makes more in an hour than I do.

Posted 6:46 AM by Gene

DIP! repeats our softball team's triumph tonight on Comedy Central!

KNOCK IT OUT OF THE PARK! It shouldn't be too hard.

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

Dozens of stray cats and their fleas put Cyprus state radio off the air on Tuesday as fumigation experts were called in.

Cyprus Broadcasting Corporation (CyBC) Radio 3 programme said only songs and news bulletins would be broadcast for the next 24 hours on all three of the CyBC's radio channels due to "an immediate need for spraying."

CALL OUT THE DOGS!

No, don't. I like cats. (I'm not so sure I like fleas.)

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

I, too, despair of the screaming that passes for political discourse, and I fear I've added a few egregious decibels, albeit softly. This column is a sobering reminder of how we think when we use media as a megaphone.

And in the spirit of the column, and my previous post, I will thank Buzz for linking to it, and will not call him Sterno.

Posted 7:00 AM by Gene

Pardon me for taking so long, but a word now to all you folks who've discovered me:

I thank you very much for your hits. I hope I have entertained you, and to those who may take offense at any post, I further hope my wit (what passes for my wit -- really, the half-wit of a quarter wit) will salve any venom, and I welcome all surfers of any political persuasion with an open heart -- and, I pray, a more open mind.

And a special thank you for Prof. Reynolds. The three of you who'd surfed my site before may recall I've said a few not-so-nice things about him, largely out of jealousy. For this I apologize in public and soon in private, once I can get the words together. I can never say a bad thing about anyone who's tried to help me, and I am very honored that he chose to link to me.

I will probably not be posting much for the next several days, because I want to sort things out in my head, and see how many hits I get for what I do post. In any event I may not post as much now that people have noticed me. It may not be the Politburo Diktat's spike -- that blog got 9,500 -- but I can feel it, nonetheless.

Again, my heartfelt thanks.

Posted 3:55 PM by Gene

I realize people laugh at dope fiends because they live in a smelly brain-deadening fog, but our contempt for them should transcend laughs. Two firemen in our city died because of a STUPID pot grower. No, marijuana's not just a joke.

Posted 3:44 PM by Gene

STERNO blew a gasket today! He says he doesn't care about Vietnam. The reason we're fighting the war again is because DIPPITY-DO made it his trademark. And it's very relevant to terrorism, STERNO: we lost Vietnam because we lost our will; we could similarly lose the war on terrorism. In the first instance NEWS HACKS played a heroic part in our defeat; they've been trying for several years to extend their winning streak. Incompetent though Dubya is in many ways, we can't afford DIP because he has said in so many words (like "sensitive") he would fight terrorism reactively. America can't afford ZAPISM. And if that's fighting Vietnam again, so be it.

Oh and STERNO, wasn't it not long ago when you were praising partisan news? Now you want "balanced accounts." Why? Becuase THE GODS OF THE AGE -- namely, YOURSELF AND YOUR FELLOW SUPERMEGABOOGGERS -- have FAILED. What's more, you're an ADDICTION. "Maybe I rely too much on Instapundit." HMMMMMMMMMMM. Famous last words from a SUPERMEGABLOGGER.

Posted 12:34 PM by Gene

Mary "Me-Me-Me" Meeker is BACK -- with a BUY RECOMMENDATION!

Posted 11:23 AM by Gene

Phelps' altruism true symbol of Games

At least until this came along.

Posted 11:10 AM by Gene

It's worth reading this column by John Leo from U.S. News, too.

I'LL BET IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

Start HUGGING yourself, PROF:

Some people wondered how long the major media would be willing to ignore the Christmas-in-Cambodia story. Well, the answer is in: at least 10 or 11 days. I first noticed the story August 6 on Glenn Reynolds's Instapundit blog. Soon it was all over the Internet....

DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING!!!!!

Posted 8:54 AM by Gene

Unfortunately, in real life SLUTSVILLE is not that mirth-provoking.

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

Ears where Jacko's nose comes from

Hey, if he's lucky someday soon he'll look like William Shatner in that old Mad Magazine satire of Star Trek.

Posted 8:26 AM by Gene

Shucks, a story about the Bible? Pray we can obfuscate one of history's greatest S------'s woes for awhile.

P. S. It's co-authored by James Dickey's son. I guess it should be called the Atheist's Guide to the Bible, then. (Although we shouldn't say atheist because every prominent news hack is HIS OWN GOD.)

P. P. S. OKAY okay, it's about religious artifacts and involves Iraq, which means James Dickey's son can challenge THE GLIBERAL to see who can imitate a stroke the best.

Posted 8:22 AM by Gene

Okay, I haven't surfed BLUNDER.com yet, but let me guess what ST. WARREN and MR. MARK have on the cover -- a story about how the Swifties, at best misguided and possibly EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL, are trashing the election of one of the greatest men in the history of the -- well, we can't say S-----; DIP has instructed us not to -- so let's say one of the greatest statesmen in American history! Now to turn to the home page.

Posted 8:21 AM by Gene

These soup Nazis did something very unfunny -- except to many Frenchmen.

Posted 8:10 AM by Gene

Wait Mr. MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS, you can't have it BOTH ways. (Then again on your royal tithe, you can.) It was EEEEEEEEEEVIL to hold back on all the money flowing into advertising when Republicans ruled the day. Now that liberals have found that loophole you complain they're spending money. That's what it boils down to, admit it. Alas for you BIZ, when a big-media super-zillionaire hypocrite tries to rearrange his spots he still looks like moldy laundry.

Posted 9:13 PM by Gene

What if anything is going through John "Rosemary Clooney is Square" Rockwell's mind? Perhaps he realizes he isn't getting any younger (unlike most current or former rock music ad-blurb copywriters); perhaps he realizes he, along with his fellow cretins at THE PAPER OF RECORD, has palmed off too much ugliness as BEAUTY, either for its political correctness or its trendiness. Given the hideous fads PINCH'S HACKS have championed, from graffiti to "THE GREATEST WORK OF AMERICAN POP CULTURE OF THE PAST QUARTER CENTURY," we should always be suspicious when a leading 10-watt light for an organization that single-handedly defined "effete snob" comes out with even a halting endorsement of beauty in art. For as we hardened PAPER OF RECORD detractors know, to everything at the PUZZLE PALACE OF MANHATTAN there is an ulterior motive, and it often isn't a PRETTY one.

Posted 2:58 PM by Gene

What do newspaper comics and pop music have in common? Many people refuse to admit THEY STINK, and THAT'S why they're in trouble.

The drawing which goes with the story says it all. Forget the mediocre artwork; when did a newspaper office last see typewriters and rotary phones and suspenders and hats (and CIGARETTES), and a rag running such a big Sunday strip -- not to mention it's "KRAZY KAT"?

She must have been hallucinating -- in another century.

Posted 1:05 PM by Gene

A native-American (can't call it INDIAN) tribe bans gay marriage.

You're a news hack. Which side do you take?

Posted 1:00 PM by Gene

GE Bancorp's IOC subsid is never too far from Hitler -- in the rings, the torch relay, or its attitude toward bloggers.

Posted 12:48 PM by Gene

Hmmm, looks like American players have no monopoly on ATTITUDE.

But then, look where he got it.

P. S.:

Is Chinese basketball star Yao Ming acting like an ugly American?

Did you scribble this, OMERTA?

Posted 12:35 PM by Gene

Chicago Tribune Editor and Former Swift Boat Commander Breaks Silence; Says Kerry Critics Wrong

HOWEVER:

NOTE: William Rood will not be available for further comment or interviews. Deputy Managing Editor George de Lama and reporter Tim Jones are available.

It would not be fair to prejudge this editor; Vietnam remains a nagging wound in many psyches (look at DIPPITY-DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!). But it does seem odd that a FIRST AMENDMENT DEFENDER would seek solace in the land of NO COMMENT, like so many of his colleagues -- a privilege the crusaders do not often extend to their victims.

Posted 10:06 AM by Gene

Having just seen THE SECOND AD I conclude DIPPITY-DO can do only one thing: pull a CHECKERS. But while he may be Nixonian he's not the kind to do that, for he and especially MRS. HEINZ will never apologize for being so much better than the voters.

Posted 9:53 AM by Gene

[T]oday's Broadway may represent the golden age 20 years from now to some kid currently growing up in Indiana.

TRANSLATION: There'll always be a future golden age so long as NEWS HACKS MINE GOLD.

Posted 8:56 AM by Gene

Media buzz aided anti-Kerry effort

MEDIA BUZZ? What unmitigated bull. This was almost exclusively on the Web for weeks and only became newsworthy when Pinch and Lenny met minds and decided it HAD TO BE STOPPED.

But then as a rule we do NOT trust any story that quotes from PERFESSER B. S. BLATHERSKITE of SYRACUSE.

Posted 8:54 AM by Gene

Reggae is rap with harmony and an accent.

Posted 8:42 AM by Gene

To her credit she does link to this piece by Charles Paul Freund (albeit on unReason's site) that reveals what most of us could already guess: anecdotal proof of anti-Americanism by news hacks can be FUN.

Posted 8:37 AM by Gene

Figures: Vir-GIN-ia's a Dilbert nut. Had she not been blessed with the gift of glib Vir-GIN-ia would be a cubicle dweller, papering her walls with Dilberts.

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

How about a new Olympic competition: The SIDESTEP?

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

Meantime, Mr. AVERAGE FOLK will SUE to stop Swift Boats from maligning his name!



Hhmph! A bunch of VETERANS.

Why is this guy SUING when he's got LEFTY MONEYBAGS, PINCH AND LENNY?!?!?

(Sorry for the NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

The fellow who pretentiously threw out a Wendy's lunch for a OUI-OUI from a hoity-toity country club says Dubya hates "average folks."



Hhmph! What is this speck of dust? Average folks. Go away average folks, GO AWAY!

Posted 4:52 PM by Gene

The day we salute more than one national flag is the day we can kiss our republic goodbye.

Posted 12:03 PM by Gene

OH oh, we may have a debacle on our hands:

Scoring questioned in men's all-around gymnastics event

Maybe this is one reason people just want to forget THE GAMES as quickly as possible. (Except of course for the ARMIES of senior executives in attendance, who want to torment their underlings forever.)

P. S. Remember SALT LAKE? Didn't think so.

Posted 11:36 AM by Gene

Count on The Econowiz: it says most business books are awful, but CHOKES before it can say which, possibly because so many of The Econowiz' readers have WRITTEN them.

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

OKAY G000,000,000,000,000gleBlogger, I have taken up your offer to scan more than a few of my fellow blogs with the "Next Blog" button on your superduper new task bar -- and now I can not only say most of them are worthless and will probably be abandoned next week or tomorrow (and should), but a few of the bloggers should be kicked in their behinds for inflicting cute cursors and MUSIC on me -- and at least ONE IDIOT links to a godforsaken automatic-download come-on that requires CTRL-ALT-DEL to remove! Or is that YOUR idea, G000,000,000,000,000gleBlogger?

Posted 10:35 AM by Gene

Some new behemoth in the shopping-center trade will own 215 malls.

Imagine all the cities they destroyed! WOW!!!!! It's enough to give a conservative pleasant dreams for a month.

Posted 9:51 AM by Gene

News hacks can be like yapping DOGS...

Years after Steven Spielberg vowed to adapt Arthur Golden's bestselling Memoirs of a Geisha for the big screen, the film-maker yesterday unveiled a SENSATIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cast and said filming on the WHITE-HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! project will begin next month.

...only you can get DOGS to SHUT UP.

HEY STAFF AND AGENCIES! Need a job at USAOKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Posted 9:45 AM by Gene

Bush Religion Adviser Quits Campaign Post
Sexual Harassment Allegations Surface

For God's sake Lenny, why didn't this go on A1?

You know Romy's disco-dancing on his desk when he goes like this:

Washington Post / National Review / New York Times

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

Mr. RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Suck-up, may we assume your Savior is not a CONSERVATIVE?!?!?

Posted 9:00 AM by Gene

It would be just like Dubya to announce some grand foreign policy scheme and forget about it, just as it would be like the fog machines at Foggy Bottom to complain because they get their news from the Beeb.

Posted 8:56 AM by Gene

You KNOW a musical stinks when THE PAPER OF RECORD'S chief Broadway ad-blurbist calls it "bad AND boring."

WIIIIIIIIIIIILD horn, man!!!!!

Posted 8:54 AM by Gene

When in doubt, say the charges will hurt BOTH sides.

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

3,466 WORDS ON A VICIOUS HIT SQUAD OF REPUBLICANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At the END of the story (well after THE PAPER OF RECORD's readers have congratulated themselves for reading THE SOLAR SYSTEM'S GREATEST PAPER and being THE MOST INTELLIGENT LIFE FORM ON THE UNIVERSE!):

As Mr. Lonsdale explained it: "We won the battle. Kerry went home and lost the war for us.

"He called us rapers and killers and that's not true," he continued. "If he expects our loyalty, we should expect loyalty from him."

Loyalty -- from a FRENCHMAN?

P. S. When did you run your last valentine on George Soros? Think we can use another one?

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

Well, for those tired of the press releases, there's always weightlifting.

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

Cell Phone Users Are Finding God

THAT tool of the Devil?

Posted 5:09 PM by Gene

Seeing as how the flacks must mention Mary Lou Retton, she fit perfectly in the Reagan years -- with a brash unwholesomeness that made me think gymnastics wasn't her game, it was real estate. That she made a success at the Ueberroth Capitalist Festival and became an inescapable menace in practically every shopping mall does not endear her memory to me either. Already the MORONS in Oak Brook and Hoffman Estates are wasting their consumers' hard-earned bucks on this new one. Oh well, just another way of saying, "I WAS AT THE OLYMPICS AND YOU WEREN'T!!!!!"

QUICK! Who who were gymnastics idols in Sydney? IN ATLANTA? It is rather hard to remember.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

ALL HAIL NETSCAPE!! Errrrrr....

Posted 3:30 PM by Gene

Health insurance -- at McDONALD'S?!?!?!?!?

PFFH-HH-HH!!!!!

Why, that will cost almost as much as -- getting the entire executive staff to say, "I WAS AT THE OLYMPICS AND YOU WEREN'T!!!!!"

Posted 2:19 PM by Gene

21,000 heroes working for one supervillain.

Posted 2:09 PM by Gene

Some people will always be ingrates, and some people will always be flacks.

Posted 10:18 AM by Gene

Surprise, surprise: an ad on the WashTimes web site:



When will the CLOWNS of NEWS realize that putting ads like this on conservative news sites, and DIPPITY-DO!!!!! ads on "MAINSTREAM" news sites, makes their operations look even more cheaply side-taking?

Posted 10:00 AM by Gene

Good news for THE PAPER OF RECORD:

The NYPD is planning to disband the street anti-graffiti and vandalism unit credited with cleaning up the city after the crime-crazed 1980s, the Daily News has learned.

ART RETURNS TO THE BIG APPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9:32 AM by Gene

From a calmer quarter of LENNY's campaign HQ we learn WHORVIS COMMUNICATIONS' BEST-KNOWN CLIENT still exports OSAMAISM.

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

In this post-JAYSON world a paper that plays politics as usual should NOT head an editorial "Politics as Usual."

Posted 8:49 AM by Gene

Elmer Bernstein brought jazz and ensembles to film music, which helped kill the form and led to the current greatest-hits anthologies. But we will always absolve a man of responsibility who wrote the score for The Magnificent Seven. RIP.

P. S. HEADLINE OF THE WEEK:

England footie 'theme tune' composer dies

He should have come back to life and sued.

Posted 8:36 AM by Gene

Freepers have made a big thing of this photo. This was at the same VFW wingding where Dubya got a standing O. Simply put, this is the obverse of the UNITY Conference. That those folks were NEWS HACKS and these guys veterans does not disguise the tiresome partisanship at work.

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

Artist pulls bus with his big toe

Now he can work for the Weather Service.

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, NO. 5:

THE PUBLIC BE DAMNED! WE REPORT THE NEWS!!!!!

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

Meantime THE PAPER OF RECORD raises money for an artistic porno movie.

C'mon, guys -- I mean PERSONS -- why didn't YOU campaign for DIPPITY-DO?

Posted 6:39 AM by Gene

Report on Iraq abuse cites interrogators, clears leaders

And here we thought every military commander was ROTTEN TO THE CORE. What SHALL WE DO? I know: campaign for DIP -- through the FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT! Pffh-hh-hh!

Posted 6:32 AM by Gene

DIP'S CAMPAIGN SPOKESMAN LENNY FOUND IT! HIS CRITIC'S A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Of course we CAMPAIGN SPOKESMEN don't use loaded words like "LIAR"; why should we when we have better, more subtle words -- like "counter"?)

A CHEER went up in the WaPost's luxury campaign headquarters when the word went out. NOW ONWARD TO VICTORY!!!!!

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

So much for con-SER-va-tism: ALAN KEYES!!!!! supports REPARATIONS.

Better luck next time.

Posted 6:22 AM by Gene

SHUCKS, ONLY $85 A SHARE?

Well, you know the old saying: you can't take it with you.

Posted 6:55 PM by Gene

Before NEWS HACKS STOPPED A WAR AND DITCHED A PREZ, something like this altogether retiring Congresspoop's harrumphing might have come across as a supreme act of conscience. Today we can see it for what it is: a supreme act of HI MOM!!!!!

Posted 5:29 PM by Gene

Vir-GIN-ia applies a little sense to DIPPITY'S conundrum:

I personally don't care all that much about this ancient history (or, for that matter, about George Bush's Air National Guard service or Clinton's draft dodging). But obviously a lot of people DO care about it, and political reporters are in business to give people information about candidates. If they can't do their jobs on this story, they should switch to another beat. So, guys, here's another hypothesis worth checking out: Did Kerry simply confuse Christmas and Tet?

And once you're done checking out this story, could you give us some information on Kerry's likely policy toward Iranian nukes? [Emphasis added.]

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

Exciting news from Playbill.com:

Whoopi Goldberg to Revive 1984 Broadway Solo Show

...which means she can do as many Bush and Dick jokes as she LIKES.

The show will re-create the same material seen in the original [presumably including her classic Bush and Dick jokes --ED], in which Goldberg impersonated a series of characters, including a Valley Girl and a pan handler [sic].

Somehow a "Valley Girl" and a "pan handler" are the appropriate characters to tell Bush and Dick jokes.

Posted 2:15 PM by Gene

Judge Rules Police Had Probable Cause To Search Michael Jackson's Ranch

Starting with the day he declared baby-dangling an Olympic sport! Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

JUST KIDDING!

(Sorry for the VIACON.)

Posted 1:54 PM by Gene

That the TV viewers don't notice the fans masquerading as empty seats suggests maybe they are couch potatoes.

PERFESSER EMPTYBLURB -- YOU'VE MADE THE BIG TIME!

Posted 1:00 PM by Gene

Donald Trump, Hasbro launch board game

I've got a better idea -- how about a game like MONOPOLY, only with BONDS for CASH and a HAIR STYLIST for JAIL?

And the object of my game is to go broke with the most press releases.

Posted 11:57 AM by Gene

Is there a work slowdown on at G000,000,000gleBlogger because the IPO didn't come through?

Posted 11:50 AM by Gene

Arafat admits 'making mistakes'

Shocking!

Guess this means he didn't kill enough Jooooooooooooooooos.

Posted 11:19 AM by Gene

SARAH Jessica Parker is so optimistic about John Kerry's chances that she's teaching her son, James Wilke Broderick, to call the Democratic nominee "President Kerry." While Parker shot the Gap campaign, insiders on the set were amused to see young James uttering "President Kerry." "It was really cute," said a witness.

So what? The folks at THE PAPER OF RECORD have called him that for months.

Posted 10:44 AM by Gene

DIMWHIT:

Newsweek's Whitaker says ads shouldn't look like editorial

What about the OPPOSITE, MR. MARK?

Posted 9:29 AM by Gene

Excelsior! America's most politically correct city council bans silly string.

Posted 6:42 AM by Gene

Greedy broadcasters are ready to elect another president!

$1.2 billion to $2.7 billion! WOW!!!!! Time to get out the BARBIE DOLLS AND POTATO CHIPS, GEORGE "MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS" WILL!!!!!!!!!! Ka-CHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 6:27 AM by Gene

NBC Universal, wanting to bring in as much money as it could, guaranteed advertisers a 0.7 household rating for its Olympic programming on cable, according to sources familiar with the negotiations. So far, its ratings have been ranging from a 0.3 to a 0.5 household rating for the cable networks, the sources said.

So much for "platforms."

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

I've noticed lately a number of stories saying that Florida (ALL of Florida) will never recover from the hurricane, that typhoid and dysentery will kill thousands, that property owners can never rebuild, etc., etc., ETC. This is probably the best time (of all the many best times) to tell news hacks to SHUT UP.

Posted 6:21 AM by Gene

G000,000,000,000gle got deG000,000,000gled!

I blame Blogger.

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

LEFTY GEEKS GO WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

I remember Crazy Guggenheim too. (Although Larry Miller spoils the effect with that enduring news-hack cliche "innocence": a nation that went through two wars and a depression in three decades, that had already fought the Cold War for another two, probably didn't have much innocence left.) I remember the entertainers who knotted America together by the sheer force of their talent. Alas, Jackie Gleason and Frank Fontaine are clinking glassses in that great bar in the sky -- replaced by people like The Weekly Standard's proprietor RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and FX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (That rather spoils the effect too.)

Posted 1:37 PM by Gene

A new dirty trick in pop-up ads: the close button appears at the bottom of the ad -- and when you try to scroll down to hit the button, the ad stays in place -- with the button hidden behind the taskbar!

Natch -- it's a VIACON.

Posted 12:17 PM by Gene

Aw SHUCKS, there goes OUR BEST HOPE IN B-BALL.

LITHUANIA? Sheez.

Posted 12:15 PM by Gene

I suspect what really ticks HHHWWWALTER CRRRONKITE is that his reputation is slowly turning MORTAL.

Posted 10:56 AM by Gene

SYNERGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: ST. WARREN gets ONE SUBSID to use ANOTHER SUBSID to tout another of those THOROUGHLY USELESS COLLEGE "GUIDES." YESSIR, YOUR HOLINESS, THAT'S SYNERGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

G000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER prepares for its WALL $TREET DEBUT with a NEW BLOGGER TOOL BAR that blocks out part of the heading on your home page -- and brings on POP-UP ADS!

Posted 8:54 AM by Gene

Quite possibly if you hadn't harrumphed about COWBOYS with a contented smirk the inevitable might not have happened so quickly.

Posted 6:38 AM by Gene

I wonder if this op-ed hackery is the cue for Lenny's NON-PARTISAN-LIKE-ME boys to persecute Dubya for "leaking" that suspected terrorist geek's name. One dead giveaway is our fearless scribbler cites a professor who most likely is not right of center (complete with link; THANK YOU, LENNY). Another giveaway is that the DIP's Cambodian trip has apparently still not happened in the MAGICAL KINGDOM OF ST. WARREN.

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

Bush Camp Controlling Admission to Events

1. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

2. You guys' friends will run RIOT at the Second Infomercial.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Forget the gold: Coach is blaming the players, and you know what that leads to -- a heaping helping of ATTITUDE.

Posted 5:20 PM by Gene

Editor is sick of the "sleaze" and "slime" in readers' letters

Hey we're sick of the sleaze and slime in newspapers.

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

Harrah's Loveman to Address Nevada's 2004 Governor's Conference on Tourism

Why am I thinking this hed should end with, "And Casino Chips Change Hands"?

Posted 5:13 PM by Gene

More news from Playbill.com:

Michael McKean, Dominic Chianese, Martha Plimpton Star in Woody Allen's Memory This Fall

I'd like to see Perv do a sex scene with a beautiful actress. (So would he I'm sure.) Talk about Bride of Frankenstein.

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES -- scouring the world for...NEWS?

Openly gay and lesbian athletes remain rare at Olympics

Let's see them get endorsements -- then again, big business being as PC as it is, they'd probably get TONS of them.

Posted 2:52 PM by Gene

SHUCKS, now it won't even be SEVEN.

Dilbertia and 30 Rock are in a BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD WAY today -- especially since the RATINGS ARE DOWN. (They keep chanting AUDIENCE UP, AUDIENCE UP, MORE PLATFORMS, MORE PLATFORMS - but how did that line go: lies, damned lies and TV RATINGS?)

Posted 10:53 AM by Gene

Keeping in mind this is NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, one almost hopes the left riots during the Second Infomercial; this is its dirty work. (If the left knows better, it won't, but no one ever accused the left of knowing better. Knowing ALL, but not knowing better.) On the other hand, we can rest assured THE PAPER OF RECORD and other NEWS HACKS will somehow manage to blame any rioting on Republicans because HONORARY MAYOR MIKE IS ONE, never mind his party membership is also honorary. And we can rest equally assured THE PAPER OF RECORD will place NOT ONE IOTA OF BLAME on THE RIOTERS.

Posted 10:23 AM by Gene

SNAFU? MARKETING. No one will ever convince me these cable "accidents" aren't on purpose, especially as porn is the industry's highest-profit component. And you don't get to be the ROYAL FAMILY OF PHILADELPHIA without MARKETING.

Posted 10:00 AM by Gene

OMNIMEGAPUNDIT jokes about an IPO.

I don't; I've been predicting them for months. STERNO'S close friend Nick Dorken will be first; he's probably been talking up investment bankers since he started in blogging. NO, INST, I think you're SERIOUS.

Posted 8:09 AM by Gene

OMNIMEGAPUNDIT DOES IT AGAIN!!!!!

UPDATE: Exit polls show Chavez losing badly.

Well, the Freepers got excited too. But look at the SOURCE.

Posted 7:02 AM by Gene

Extremely wishful thinking:

The Wall Street Journal isn't the New York Times or the Washington Post, but I believe it's a newspaper with the second largest daily circulation in the United States. So it ain't chopped liver. And Journal senior editorial page writer Robert Pollock has awoken to Kerry's Christmas in Cambodia meltdown: "Holiday in Cambodia." [Emphasis added.]

How many people make the same mistake? The Journals are the Certs of news: TWO (click) TWO (click) TWO NEWSPAPERS IN ONE: squooshy knee-jerk liberal news section, RAMBO free-enterprise op-ed section. A subject never gets COVERED in the Journals; it gets WEASEL-WORDED AND SPUN (Liberal Edition) or SCREAMED OVER (Conservative Edition). And NEITHER PAPER HEARS THE OTHER.

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

Comforting:

Air marshals cover only a few flights

Posted 6:42 AM by Gene

Chavez Appears to Survive Referendum

Either way, he wins.

Posted 6:39 AM by Gene

One of the news hacks' many FINEST HOURS:

On Sept. 11, 2001, Americans were shocked by footage of Palestinians dancing in the streets to celebrate the terrorist attacks on the United States. But those scenes disappeared from the airwaves soon after -- not because they weren't newsworthy, but because the Palestinian Authority gave orders to suppress them.

An Associated Press cameraman was summoned to a PA security office and warned not to release the material he had filmed. A top aide to Arafat told the AP's Jerusalem bureau that if the footage were aired, "we cannot guarantee the life" of the cameraman. Other news outlets were likewise ordered not to use any images of the 9/11 revelry. Most of them caved, and the images dried up.

Journalists like to cultivate a reputation for fearlessness, for a publish-and-be-damned commitment to putting out the story no matter what. The reality is not always so heroic. Sometimes the media are not fearless at all -- and their coverage, or lack of it, can amount to collaboration with dictators or thugs.

Posted 6:27 AM by Gene

Mass. Republicans Eye Kerry's Senate Seat

Pffh-hh-hh!

Posted 6:22 AM by Gene

Rather than admit it knows nothing about ELVIS'S whereabouts, our brilliant intelligence community says (as always) it knows a lot about why it doesn't know.

Posted 9:21 PM by Gene

Cheer up, PAPER OF RECORD readers: if Wal-Mart can try to be PC, anyone can.

Posted 6:51 PM by Gene

Why all the fans masquerading as empty seats?

Posted 6:51 PM by Gene

Has the book business become like cable -- 130,000 books a year and nothing to read?

Posted 4:35 PM by Gene

Who wants to bet if the Venezuelans vote to oust the buffoon Hugo he won't listen?

Posted 3:20 PM by Gene

More baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad news for Dilbertia and 30 Rock: our HOOPS MEGALOMANIACS got TROUNCED by the colony of Puerto Rico.

Look at it this way, GE BANCORP: if the Puerto Ricans win -- WE WIN!

Posted 3:08 PM by Gene

Tomorrow's going to be a BAAAAAAAAAAAD day at Dilbertia (i.e., Fairfield) and 30 Rock: Mark Spitz II will NOT get his eight.

I hate to say this, but having been BOMBARDED by news hacks and promos how many people come to hope that someone like this fails, however nice a guy he is?

Two more things: Mark Spitz I was handsome -- very handsome (Spitz II is no great shakes looks-wise); and does Spitz II really want to risk becoming another joke?

Posted 2:56 PM by Gene

One reason so many people hate news hacks: their heroes so many people can't stand: no-talent rockers and movie ac-TORS, sexy tyrants like MICKEYMOUSE NIXON and the late ZONNNNNNNNNNNNN, demagogues like P. R. MIKE and SEN. FATSO GLUB GLUB, turncoats like SEN. DIMWIT (Imbecile-VT) and SEN. McPAIN (D-AZ), pseudo-artistes like GRAFFITI "WRITERS" and HERR DOKTOR SONDHEIM. And because the news hacks still reek of high-school government and the college paper they sell them like people with God-given confidence (or should I say confidence, news hacks being gods), largely for social climbing and salary increasing, so that at the end of every day they can recite the words of The News Hacks' Creed No. 1 with ever increasing vigor:

I know more than you.

I make lots more money than you.

I'm smarter than you.

I'm sexier than you.

I appear on TV all the time.

I work ten minutes a day.

I rule the universe.

I'm going to live forever.

You are an idiot.

Posted 9:32 AM by Gene

Kerry Campaign Helping With Fla. Recovery

RAH! RAH! RAH!

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

OMERTA backs the FORCES OF RIGHT and GOOD, although it's rather difficult when ALL YOUR SOURCES ARE DEMOCRATS.

Posted 8:59 AM by Gene

Charley leaves Fla. in shambles [home-page hed]

The whole state? Somebody's auditioning for WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!! or NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8:50 AM by Gene

Frankly, ST. WARREN, I'd rather read about FAT.

Posted 8:48 AM by Gene

Another HERO for STERNO, sighhhhhhhhhhhh.

And another female news hack demonstrating that the female news hack's m.o.s are cheap gossip and sappy praise.

WHEN ARE THESE BLOGGER-CLOWNS GOING TO START WITH THE IPOs?

P. S. I see this is in the WaPost's "Magazine." Most Sunday papers once had "magazines"; most were filled with cutesy fingernail-scratching-on-blackboard-pleasant drivel like this. You don't suppose such writing is one reason papers ditched their magazines, huh LENNY?

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

And in firefighting news:

Chief Olympic organizer Gianna Angelopoulos-Daskalaki threw a party at her hillside villa Saturday after Athens' lavish opening ceremony went off without a hitch.

The party, however, was a disaster.

Fireworks set off at the mansion caused a fire in the nearby wooded area, burning out of control for nearly an hour, police said. Sixty firefighters were called to the scene near Filothei, about two miles north of the city, and eventually put out the blaze.

No one was hurt.

The rich, they are different from you and me. Even if they are Greek.

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

Proof the ORGY hardly means anything: we failed to qualify for the baseball tournament. So what?

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

When in doubt, blame the JUDGES.

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

I suppose a story like this is good for a prurient chortle, but it is amazing that a culture can make anything-goes sex jokes and be hypercritically puritanical at the same time.

And if this alleged satire is anywhere close to the truth, the joke isn't even FUNNY.

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

Charley's Force Took Experts by Surprise

It always does.

Posted 2:02 PM by Gene

And guess what almost came back? THE DREADED B WORD.

Posted 1:55 PM by Gene

The GREEKS black out AGAIN at the ORGY!

Posted 1:49 PM by Gene

Meantime AN OFFICIAL ORGY SPONSOR says:

The most beloved emblems of the modern Olympics have a decidedly dark past.

The torch relay, which culminates in Friday's ceremonial lighting of the flame at the Olympic stadium, was a creation of Adolf Hitler, who tried to turn the 1936 Berlin Games into a celebration of the Third Reich.

And it was Hitler's Nazi propaganda machine that popularized the five interlocking rings as the symbol of the games.

Today, both are universally recognized icons of the Olympics. But historians say neither had much, if anything, to do with the games born centuries ago in Ancient Olympia.

"The torch relay is so ingrained in the modern choreography that most people today assume it was a revival of a pagan tradition _ unaware that it was actually concocted for Hitler's Games in Berlin," author Tony Perrottet writes in a new book, "The Naked Olympics."

"Ironically, considering its repellent origins, the torch race has come to symbolize international brotherhood today, and remains a centerpiece of our own pomp-filled Olympic opening ceremonies."

NOW they tell us!

P. S. Slavery Brandage must have been proud.

Posted 1:43 PM by Gene

Fortunately losing his match will spare this boxer further embarrassment for having been found guilty of manslaughter on his five-month-old daughter.

I don't think we could do a Sappy Featurette on this one.

Posted 11:17 AM by Gene

WHEN he started to do voiceover work to augment his income, Chris Earle, an actor and playwright and former member of the Canadian touring company of Second City, began to understand something about acting.

"I was always struck by the strange claustrophobia of those recording sessions," he said last week by phone from his home in Toronto. "When you're in the studio, you can't hear what they're saying in the engineer's booth, while they can hear everything you say. There's the moment when the talk-back button goes on and you hear chuckling and laughter and you don't know why. To me, it's the perfect expression of a performer's life: `I'm here to do a performance and I'm not sure it's what you want.' "

Mr. Earle, 41, thought there might be a play in what he had experienced, and there was: "Radio :30," about a slick radio announcer who does commercials for a living and knows how to ooze out of almost any unpleasant situation....

Hey PAPER OF RECORD-annointed genius! I want to know who you've done voiceovers for!

Posted 11:03 AM by Gene

BOSNIA WAR HERO O'GRADY: KERRY COMMITTED TREASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who?

O'Grady, in an appearance with other military veterans coordinated by President Bush's re-election campaign....

PINCH!!!!!!!!!! LENNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 10:49 AM by Gene

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH....

He had been chased by police for miles through North Patchogue early Friday. His car had slid over an embankment into a pond. It was sinking fast and filling with water.

But all Yaysn Abdul-Mattin wanted to do, police said, was suck on his crack pipe.

"We kept calling out 'Get out of the car! You're going to drown!'" Suffolk Police Officer Armand Reyes said. "But the only thing we heard was the sound of his lighter going click, click, click."

When the water rose chin-high, Abdul-Mattin dropped the pipe....

Yaysn! MEET RICKY WILLIAMS!

Posted 10:47 AM by Gene

Since "Castro's aging communist revolution lacks much in the way of money or outside support," the only hope is for him to live to be 120.

I wouldn't bet against it.

Posted 10:30 AM by Gene

Talk about being careful what you wish for: clearly a VAT would have great GOP appeal; it would considerably reduce taxes on their CONSTITUENTS (er, the RICH) and sock it to DEMOCRATS (er, the poor and middle-class). Before they jump into the deep end maybe even the Pubbies ought to consider whether we want to pay a sales tax on everything.

Posted 10:21 AM by Gene

Well THIS is good news:

Victims of Hurricane Charley Can Use Discounted Service to Recover Data From Damaged Computers

Posted 7:58 AM by Gene

I presume the excuse for this is they get paid too little.

Posted 7:49 AM by Gene

A Web site founder spends 1,710 words dissecting the one-note wonder Frank Wildhorn (WILD horn, man!) when it comes down to this: he's a no-talent with luck.

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

A PREDICTION: In 2008, faced with a twelve-hour delay and international competition, BANCORP will put the entire Orgy -- ONLINE.

Posted 5:33 PM by Gene

I'm telling you, Playbill.com has INTERESTING NEWS. Here's a juicy morsel: a BOB DYLAN MUSICAL -- upcoming. BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

The synergistic-for-not-very-much-longer Kinsley.com all but concedes the BANCORP'S WET-SECURITY-BLANKET COVERAGE will STINK UP THE GYMS AGAIN.

Posted 12:25 PM by Gene

Wanna bet our HEROIC gov'nor faces JAIL?

Posted 12:16 PM by Gene

Are the people who run G000,000,000,000GLE idiots or what?

Posted 12:14 PM by Gene

More peace and brotherhood and good sportsmanship and blahblahblah from the ORGY.

Yep, it's ALL about MICKEY D'S, POSTURING and DRUGS.

Posted 12:06 PM by Gene

Aside from being born earlier, the Beatles had another big advantage over Springsteen. There were four of them. This meant they could break up when they ran out of ideas. But how does one guy break up?

I think we're seeing it now.

Posted 10:22 AM by Gene

I'm not surprised DIPPITY-DO!!!!! was a loony nuclear-freeznik, but why can't this info come from someone other than NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Of course NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! would be nothing without its truthful headlines. A FREEPER can see that.

Posted 10:09 AM by Gene

A five-percent profit on $1 billion in revenues.

Hey LEGENDARY! LEGENDARY WELCH! This was YOUR idea. WHAT SORT OF RETURN IS THAT?

Posted 9:58 AM by Gene

Two of USAOKAY!!!!!'s exceptionally-well-paid publicists say MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER -- AND ADULTS ARE COMING BACK TO FIND OUT! But then you skip to the bottom of the story -- NEWS HACKS THINK THEY'RE SO CLEVER WHEN THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS -- to learn:

Moreover, [Steve] Gilula [a RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!! exec] and other distributors fret that the adult summer market — underserved for years — may be growing too fast.

"The strategy will not only be counterprogramming against blockbusters, but against each other going for mostly the same audience," Gilula says. "This is going to be a crowded market." [Emphasis added.]

TRANSLATION: Few adults see movies -- for good reason -- and the market is easily tapped out.

Posted 8:44 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Movie studios use deceptive advertising to sell offensive product.

Has anyone noticed the Alphabet Soup has disappeared from many movie posters and a good deal of Web advertising? SAMMY! SAMMY GLICKMAN!!!!!

Posted 8:38 AM by Gene

Wait a second! We all know how you yap over media bias; but who told YOU to schedule Rudy for Monday?

Posted 8:35 AM by Gene

Whoopee!! Dueling Reagans.

Posted 8:28 AM by Gene

TRIB and Mayor Daley are engaged in a knock-down drag-out brawl. In a sense it's a battle of equals: what the one has in incompetence the other matches in greed.

May the worse party win! If that's possible.

Posted 8:09 AM by Gene

This is why I am so incredibly jaundiced about the GE Bancorp Orgy: it's about manufacturing heroes; it's about inventing virtues (athleticism as heroism, for one; you'd think L'Affaire Kobe would teach us something); it's about bathos; it's about showing off; it's about huge corporations wasting money on hubris and their CEOs' immortality; it's about Babbittry; it's about avarice; it's about fear. For seventeen intolerable days the news hacks of the world will get out every last hackeneyed trope and frayed adjective to convince us something "historic" is happening, that something "unforgettable" is in the air, when only the expert or the most hopeless of the Orgy's addicts can tell any difference between the best of this show's derring-do and the last, and when the seventeen intolerable days are over hardly anyone save the CEOs and the hacks will remember anything, and all that will remain are the debts, and the losses, and the headaches.

And THEN comes the SECOND INFOMERCIAL. Oiiiiiiiiiiii!

Posted 6:29 AM by Gene

With Games, Greece Goes for Broke

No no no no NO!

With Games, Greece Goes Broke

Posted 6:27 AM by Gene

Zzzzzzzzzzo lllonggh ahs eet eeees nawt aimmt at uss veee zzee nothingh wrrrongggh with a llllllleetle Joo-baitingh now ann zzzenn.

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

How do you report on a fatal accident in a building owned by your paper's proprietor (in this case, Mortimer Zuck) -- especially one where the proprietor may be culpable? I'll bet it's buried in the print edition.

Posted 6:19 PM by Gene

This just in from OsamaChannel.com:

Server Error in '/english' Application.

But NEVER in ARABIC.