THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, December 20, 2003
Congressman V-Chip screams, WHY DIDN'T WE TAKE CARE OF LIBYA THE WAY WE TOOK CARE OF IRAQ?!?!? You forget, V-Chip, we did bomb them -- in 1986, an action popular with Europeans -- and Democrats. (Remember how our jets had to make a WIDE TURN to avoid France?) And conceding Moammar is a lizard and a nutcase, he did plead for mercy, unlike Saddam, who always gave the West the finger. Moreover, Iraq never agreed to unconditionally end its WMD programs the way Libya did. It was foolish for Tony Blair to call Moammar "courageous," but the noose has not exactly gone slack on him, especially after 9/11. I suspect the Loose Screw of Tripoli didn't want an angry American military bearing down on him again after our near total subjugation of Iraq's forces. And to the Pan Am 103 victims' families: I don't like Kissinger realism either, but at least now we can hope for a democratic, prosperous Libya, a hope that didn't exist before, a Libya that can apologize for its history.
Double shucks, the forces of reaction have led most people to be opposed to gay marriage.
What do we do now?
What do we do now?
Shucks, the liberals' favorite Iraqi led the -- RESISTANCE. (Do I hear La Mayonnaise in the background?)
What do we do now?
What do we do now?
Bob Novak insists Sen. Richard "Earnest" Lugar will probably replace GENERAL at Foggy Bottom, meaning more of the same old same old.
In the event any of my four readers have trouble understanding me, I hereby introduce THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY, which I hope will explain (though it may not excuse) some of the loopy nicknames I give people and organizations:
MICKEYMOUSE NIXON: Michael Eisner. So called because in recent years he's frequently been likened to Nixon, given his penchant for micromanagement and credit-hogging.
BUTTMAN INSTITUTE: The Cato Institute, the home of glibertarianism. The producer of Buttman videos is a "major" benefactor.
THE BROW: Sumner Redstone, after the arch-nemesis of Dick Tracy, and also because he lost his in a hotel fire.
PRESIDENT DAMN!: Howard Dean, given his vituperous history and the fact that news hacks have annointed him our President-Elect.
PRESIDENT McCLELLAN: Wesley Clark, given his superficial resemblances to another Democratic general who ran for president, George McClellan. With PRESIDENT DAMN'S surge in the press's estimation I have demoted McClellan to general.
THE ZON: Mel Karmazin, the broadcast tyrant who makes a big thing about the correct pronunciation of his name: it's KarmaZON, NOT KarmaZIN.
THE GLIBERAL: Frank Rich. Self-explanatory, I hope.
ASWIA: The fictitious American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers, which isn't so fictitious; it's called the Association of National Advertisers and it's made a big PR stink about its "support" for "family-friendly programming" even as it's grown ever more indiscriminate in its sponsorships.
THE CLUNKER BROTHERS: GM and Ford, and honorary member DaimlerCorp (i.e., DaimlerChrysler), again for obvious reasons; and while I know The Big Two have made considerable quality strides, they always manage to undercut them one way or another, mainly through their bad PR and excessive advertising.
BUZZ T. NEWHOUSE: Jeff Jarvis, former TV Guide "critic" and founder of the unreadable Time Warner rag Entertainment Weekly, and proprietor of BuzzMachine.com, who earned this name being a TWXster (qv), and also because he now works for Newhouse in "new media," and who has a decided aversion to knocking people in big media, unless they make idiotic statements about blogging.
RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Any property run by News Corporation automatically gets at least twenty exclamation points after (or within) the name given the founder's penchant for banging people on the head with them (hence FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News, THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, etc.)
TWXSTER: Anyone employed by Time Warner (TWX is its NYSE ticker symbol).
BILL THE ENTOMOLOGIST: The head wizard of Microsoft, after his company's penchant for creating some very ingenious software bugs.
PILLHEAD: Rush Limbaugh, after an unsolicited compliment on his radio show.
LOWSY MAYS: Lowry Mays, the swaggering founder and chairman of Clear Channel Communications (which I call CHEAP CHANNEL after the fashion).
SUPERHOOPER: Ibrahim Hooper, the tyrannical spokespoop for CAIR, who never met a Muslim he didn't like.
NEWS HACK: I know I have what amounts to an obsession in using this term, but as I explained in one of my earliest posts,
I'm not calling them "journalists." That's like calling a garbageman a sanitation engineer (God knows they're in the same business). Besides, am I going to endow an AP drone with the same term as Boswell, Dickens, Hemingway and Orwell? Not on your life! Well how about "reporter," then? Because not all news hacks report; some are incoherent columnists, some are movie-ad-blurb copywriters, some are senior-citizen groupies, some are millionaire toadies, and so forth. No, the dictionary defines "news" as "new information of any kind" (never mind that most "news" writing is old as the hilburns), and "hack" as "a writer hired to produce routine or commercial writing." Hackwork is worse on a deadline. Hence -- NEWS HACKS.
GE BANCORP: General Electric, because it seems increasingly to want to be a bank (and in similar financial scams like show-biz) and to uninvolve itself in grimy businesses like manufacturing.
ALTRIA MOTIVE: The former Philip Morris Companies, or as it must call itself now, Altria, the pronunciation of whose name suggests a double entendre -- and if the firm didn't provide it by sticking with its NYSE ticker symbol MO. (ALTRIA MOTIVE FOODS is Kraft Inc., 85-percent owned by ALTRIA MOTIVE.)
MOVIE-AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS: Again, I will not call them movie "critics" for the same reason I will not call NEWS HACKS "journalists." In a "notorious" column Variety's fawner-in-chief Peter Bart suggested calling them the same thing. All they write are ad blurbs for movies, seasoned with a big dollop of pretension.
DOW 36,000: Jim Glassman, the smug glibertarian columnist and head of Tech Central Station, who confidently predicted at the height of the stock-market bubble in 2000 -- in a BOOK -- that's where the Dow Jones Industrial Average would go.
SNIDELY WHIPLASH: House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, for his comically villainous demeanor, and also because he'd look like Snidely if you gave him a handlebar moustache and stove-pipe hat.
CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES: AP hacks, affectionately named for their boss, Tom Curley, former editor of USA OKAY, who once insisted with a straight face most of the people who run the news biz are conservative. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS: The United Nations, like its forerunner, a wimpish, appeasing irrelevance.
KINSLEY.COM: Slate.com, because it was founded and edited by Michael Kinsley, whose snide, smirky, smarmy presence radiates in every piece.
THE NINE FINGERS IN THE WIND: The Supreme Court of the United States, whose members frequently seem to rule that way.
GLIBERTARIANISM: Libertarianism. It combines (to quote from another post) "the worst of the knee-jerk liberal (laissez-faire morals) with the worst of the knee-jerk conservative (laissez-faire capitalism), mixed with a healthy dose of conceit."
JACK: Jack Valenti, former dishonest flack for LBJ, since 1966 head of THE CONSPIRACY: The Motion Picture Association of America. The man has done more to ruin movies than anyone else, far more than the most-often-named culprit, Lucas Spielberg.
JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP: "CARA," the MPAA's ratings system, an absolute disgrace, a big reason movie stink, and a problem no one seems of a mind to do anything about, for all the occasional REFORMING noises among news hacks. One suspects a reason the hacks are content just to make noises on the subject is that any positive change to mass media is a NEGATIVE CHANGE TO THEM. Hence the constant wave of denials of press bias, and the only recent grudging admission that something called the Web exists.
SLEAZEBALL GUMBO: Billy Tauzin, the corrupt Louisiana congressman and JACK's heir apparent.
THOMPSONISM: the womyn's studies and black studies movement of our time, "pop-culture studies," the incontinent praising of show-biz junk with multi-syllable words for the purpose of establishing tuition- and taxpayer-financed fiefdoms, named after "Prof." Robert Thompson of Syracuse, who's set Guinness Book records the last three years for getting his name in Nexus.
LITTLE JEFFREY: Jeffrey Immelt, chairman of GE BANCORP, whom I call such because he will forever work under the shadow of the LEGENDARY (see the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) JACK WELCH, the most overhyped and overrated CEO who ever lived.
BLUNDER RAG: Newsweek, so named after its hyperventilating Harvard graduate and superpatriotic columnist Jonathan Alter made fun of Vice-President Cheney for saying the Iraqis would cheer us. ("AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") The magazine tries to make up for being second to its competition by outzeitgeisting the zeitgeist, often with nauseating (or unintentionally funny) results. BLUNDER was home of the Hitler Diaries, to this day one of its finest achievements.
MICKEYMOUSE NIXON: Michael Eisner. So called because in recent years he's frequently been likened to Nixon, given his penchant for micromanagement and credit-hogging.
BUTTMAN INSTITUTE: The Cato Institute, the home of glibertarianism. The producer of Buttman videos is a "major" benefactor.
THE BROW: Sumner Redstone, after the arch-nemesis of Dick Tracy, and also because he lost his in a hotel fire.
PRESIDENT DAMN!: Howard Dean, given his vituperous history and the fact that news hacks have annointed him our President-Elect.
PRESIDENT McCLELLAN: Wesley Clark, given his superficial resemblances to another Democratic general who ran for president, George McClellan. With PRESIDENT DAMN'S surge in the press's estimation I have demoted McClellan to general.
THE ZON: Mel Karmazin, the broadcast tyrant who makes a big thing about the correct pronunciation of his name: it's KarmaZON, NOT KarmaZIN.
THE GLIBERAL: Frank Rich. Self-explanatory, I hope.
ASWIA: The fictitious American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers, which isn't so fictitious; it's called the Association of National Advertisers and it's made a big PR stink about its "support" for "family-friendly programming" even as it's grown ever more indiscriminate in its sponsorships.
THE CLUNKER BROTHERS: GM and Ford, and honorary member DaimlerCorp (i.e., DaimlerChrysler), again for obvious reasons; and while I know The Big Two have made considerable quality strides, they always manage to undercut them one way or another, mainly through their bad PR and excessive advertising.
BUZZ T. NEWHOUSE: Jeff Jarvis, former TV Guide "critic" and founder of the unreadable Time Warner rag Entertainment Weekly, and proprietor of BuzzMachine.com, who earned this name being a TWXster (qv), and also because he now works for Newhouse in "new media," and who has a decided aversion to knocking people in big media, unless they make idiotic statements about blogging.
RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Any property run by News Corporation automatically gets at least twenty exclamation points after (or within) the name given the founder's penchant for banging people on the head with them (hence FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News, THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, etc.)
TWXSTER: Anyone employed by Time Warner (TWX is its NYSE ticker symbol).
BILL THE ENTOMOLOGIST: The head wizard of Microsoft, after his company's penchant for creating some very ingenious software bugs.
PILLHEAD: Rush Limbaugh, after an unsolicited compliment on his radio show.
LOWSY MAYS: Lowry Mays, the swaggering founder and chairman of Clear Channel Communications (which I call CHEAP CHANNEL after the fashion).
SUPERHOOPER: Ibrahim Hooper, the tyrannical spokespoop for CAIR, who never met a Muslim he didn't like.
NEWS HACK: I know I have what amounts to an obsession in using this term, but as I explained in one of my earliest posts,
I'm not calling them "journalists." That's like calling a garbageman a sanitation engineer (God knows they're in the same business). Besides, am I going to endow an AP drone with the same term as Boswell, Dickens, Hemingway and Orwell? Not on your life! Well how about "reporter," then? Because not all news hacks report; some are incoherent columnists, some are movie-ad-blurb copywriters, some are senior-citizen groupies, some are millionaire toadies, and so forth. No, the dictionary defines "news" as "new information of any kind" (never mind that most "news" writing is old as the hilburns), and "hack" as "a writer hired to produce routine or commercial writing." Hackwork is worse on a deadline. Hence -- NEWS HACKS.
GE BANCORP: General Electric, because it seems increasingly to want to be a bank (and in similar financial scams like show-biz) and to uninvolve itself in grimy businesses like manufacturing.
ALTRIA MOTIVE: The former Philip Morris Companies, or as it must call itself now, Altria, the pronunciation of whose name suggests a double entendre -- and if the firm didn't provide it by sticking with its NYSE ticker symbol MO. (ALTRIA MOTIVE FOODS is Kraft Inc., 85-percent owned by ALTRIA MOTIVE.)
MOVIE-AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS: Again, I will not call them movie "critics" for the same reason I will not call NEWS HACKS "journalists." In a "notorious" column Variety's fawner-in-chief Peter Bart suggested calling them the same thing. All they write are ad blurbs for movies, seasoned with a big dollop of pretension.
DOW 36,000: Jim Glassman, the smug glibertarian columnist and head of Tech Central Station, who confidently predicted at the height of the stock-market bubble in 2000 -- in a BOOK -- that's where the Dow Jones Industrial Average would go.
SNIDELY WHIPLASH: House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, for his comically villainous demeanor, and also because he'd look like Snidely if you gave him a handlebar moustache and stove-pipe hat.
CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES: AP hacks, affectionately named for their boss, Tom Curley, former editor of USA OKAY, who once insisted with a straight face most of the people who run the news biz are conservative. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS: The United Nations, like its forerunner, a wimpish, appeasing irrelevance.
KINSLEY.COM: Slate.com, because it was founded and edited by Michael Kinsley, whose snide, smirky, smarmy presence radiates in every piece.
THE NINE FINGERS IN THE WIND: The Supreme Court of the United States, whose members frequently seem to rule that way.
GLIBERTARIANISM: Libertarianism. It combines (to quote from another post) "the worst of the knee-jerk liberal (laissez-faire morals) with the worst of the knee-jerk conservative (laissez-faire capitalism), mixed with a healthy dose of conceit."
JACK: Jack Valenti, former dishonest flack for LBJ, since 1966 head of THE CONSPIRACY: The Motion Picture Association of America. The man has done more to ruin movies than anyone else, far more than the most-often-named culprit, Lucas Spielberg.
JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP: "CARA," the MPAA's ratings system, an absolute disgrace, a big reason movie stink, and a problem no one seems of a mind to do anything about, for all the occasional REFORMING noises among news hacks. One suspects a reason the hacks are content just to make noises on the subject is that any positive change to mass media is a NEGATIVE CHANGE TO THEM. Hence the constant wave of denials of press bias, and the only recent grudging admission that something called the Web exists.
SLEAZEBALL GUMBO: Billy Tauzin, the corrupt Louisiana congressman and JACK's heir apparent.
THOMPSONISM: the womyn's studies and black studies movement of our time, "pop-culture studies," the incontinent praising of show-biz junk with multi-syllable words for the purpose of establishing tuition- and taxpayer-financed fiefdoms, named after "Prof." Robert Thompson of Syracuse, who's set Guinness Book records the last three years for getting his name in Nexus.
LITTLE JEFFREY: Jeffrey Immelt, chairman of GE BANCORP, whom I call such because he will forever work under the shadow of the LEGENDARY (see the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) JACK WELCH, the most overhyped and overrated CEO who ever lived.
BLUNDER RAG: Newsweek, so named after its hyperventilating Harvard graduate and superpatriotic columnist Jonathan Alter made fun of Vice-President Cheney for saying the Iraqis would cheer us. ("AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") The magazine tries to make up for being second to its competition by outzeitgeisting the zeitgeist, often with nauseating (or unintentionally funny) results. BLUNDER was home of the Hitler Diaries, to this day one of its finest achievements.
SHUT UP, Bill Buckley. I can recall when you boasted that you wrote for Playboy because it was RIGHT-ON, WITH-IT AND NOW, and a GREAT WAY TO REACH BUDDING YOUNG CONSERVATIVES. Sorry Bill, friend of Johann Sebastian Bach and his B-Minor Mass, I still rankle at how you changed formats on a New York classical radio station you owned -- and the first song you played was "Roll Over, Beethoven." SHUT UP, SENILE FICTIONIST WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, JR.
The left is mourning (and con-SER-vatives celebrating), but I have a hunch RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s overpaid, just as he did with TV Guide; for now he's in a battle with cable-system operators over who can pass the least programming costs onto the turnips, a battle both sides can only lose; and as more people hook on to digital cable and get phone and Internet service too the dishes lose some of their edge.
Saudi Arabia says most militants crushed
I'll believe it -- after a couple of years, and when we finally fire Whorvis Communications.
I'll believe it -- after a couple of years, and when we finally fire Whorvis Communications.
Book sales are down, in no small part because so many are marketing, so what do the publishing mavens do? More marketing!
If books were good the selling would tend to itself. That never occurs to the geniuses of pulpland.
If books were good the selling would tend to itself. That never occurs to the geniuses of pulpland.
Reuters gets excited because our soldiers mistook Iraqi police for "bandits."
Given their infiltration by the forces of right, how can we be sure they aren't bandits?
Given their infiltration by the forces of right, how can we be sure they aren't bandits?
Friday, December 19, 2003
IN THE PAST, I've compared the blogosphere to the network of European coffeehouses in the 17th and 18th centuries....
I really wish the Fortune 500 blogger companies would stop writing this way. They're Starbucks; I'm a pouch of freeze-dried coffee.
I'm glad Buzz noticed that atrocious lead from the Reut; however I noticed it first. Alas, as my motto goes....
I really wish the Fortune 500 blogger companies would stop writing this way. They're Starbucks; I'm a pouch of freeze-dried coffee.
I'm glad Buzz noticed that atrocious lead from the Reut; however I noticed it first. Alas, as my motto goes....
I must confess priapic stories about good-looking airheads like these can give me a momentary thrill (and I wouldn't put it past these sluts to have staged their "fight" for the mutual publicity); but then I think of what the victims of the wacko snipers went through, or what our courageous soldiers in Iraq have gone through, and I think, we shouldn't give these a-double-scribbleholes the time of day. I could understand if they were Marlene on a USO tour, or Marilyn in Korea, but they aren't, and again, we shouldn't.
The hacks at Conrad's old haunt have a badly-written word or two, or ten thousand:
The owners of Harry Caray's Restaurant bought the baseball that was deflected by a fan during the Cubs' playoff loss to Florida-- a move they say will help bring closure to one of the most agonizing losses in the team's history.
That puts "closure" in the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY. This word went from being what happens to a door to cheap pop psychology. Throw it away, please?
The owners of Harry Caray's Restaurant bought the baseball that was deflected by a fan during the Cubs' playoff loss to Florida-- a move they say will help bring closure to one of the most agonizing losses in the team's history.
That puts "closure" in the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY. This word went from being what happens to a door to cheap pop psychology. Throw it away, please?
Blair: Libya to give up WMD programs
Here's one tyrant who sees the proverbial writing on the wall. GETTING SADDAM WAS A VERY VERY BAD THING! RIGHT PRESIDENT DAMN!? RIGHT LIBERALS? RIGHT DEMOCRATS?
Here's one tyrant who sees the proverbial writing on the wall. GETTING SADDAM WAS A VERY VERY BAD THING! RIGHT PRESIDENT DAMN!? RIGHT LIBERALS? RIGHT DEMOCRATS?
WORLD COURT TO CHECK APARTHEID WALL LEGALITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe the World Court can bring down Israel too.
This Osama Channel Update brought to you by Buick® -- The Spirit of American Style™.
Maybe the World Court can bring down Israel too.
This Osama Channel Update brought to you by Buick® -- The Spirit of American Style™.
Reuters Line of the Week:
Michael Jackson is a lover, not a fighter....
That's almost as bad as calling a terrorist a freedom -- fighter.
Michael Jackson is a lover, not a fighter....
That's almost as bad as calling a terrorist a freedom -- fighter.
The Osama Channel introduces another new Top 40 Hit: "We're Chasing You"!
Maybe that explains why men in beards keep running after herds of goats.
Maybe that explains why men in beards keep running after herds of goats.
Which awards ceremony does ArtsJournal.com call "bizarre and inexplicably important"? The Golden Globes® or the Oscars®?
Does it matter?
Does it matter?
Pundits say [Sen. Morals's] conservative positions will hamper his presidential aspirations.
Translation: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Translation: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
DOO-DO-DOOT DOOO-DO-DO-DOOT! FLASH! PRESIDENT DAMN! CONCEDES SADDAM "BAD MAN"! DOO-DO-DOOT DOOO-DO-DO-DOOT!
Thursday, December 18, 2003
I have often made fun of the bloggers for going on and on and on and on and on for no reason, for writing just to show off their bona fides and warmed-over punditry. Well, here's a blogger who goes on and on and on and on and on, and whose nearly every word is worth reading: Terry "Unpronounceable" Teachout. I've criticized him before for his inconsistency: his Commentary rave of the IMMORTAL Stephen Sondheim, for instance; but on his blog he writes with passion and zeal and at best a truly unconventional wisdom. He finishes before his fellow bloggers have even started. If only there were more such the medium's future -- and its excellence -- would be unquestioned.
If you think of Christmas as a form of redistribution of wealth it does lose some of its allure, doesn't it.
Which is what the holiday is for. That and the playing of crummy songs.
P. S. Synergy lives at EisnerCorp, in the hed.
Which is what the holiday is for. That and the playing of crummy songs.
P. S. Synergy lives at EisnerCorp, in the hed.
Who wants to bet after the TWXsters buy a studio alleged to be MGM they stop making movies under the name? All it has is a film library and masterworks like Codebreaker, or whatever the name of that movie was. Alas, the bio of Cole Porter will probably go ahead, and the copywriters will call it genius.
Buzz (through a surrogate) has a BRILLIANT idea -- give awards to Weblogs! And we can guess who'll win the awards, CAN'T WE? You (after a mighty lobbying campaign by N------e), Prof, Andy S., little, Roger, Lileks, the guy who uses Stardates, etc. -- the usual blogrollers.
Go for it! And after you win, maybe you CAN apply for Michael Wolff's job!
Go for it! And after you win, maybe you CAN apply for Michael Wolff's job!
Good news for kids! Toy prices are going down, so the kids can nag their parents into buying more toys!
A writer for the Wall Street Journals Liberal Edition...oh never mind.
I'd like to pull the hat over the Conservative Edition's head -- and seal the Liberal Edition's mouth with Super Glue.
I know, he's not, but he may as well be.
I'd like to pull the hat over the Conservative Edition's head -- and seal the Liberal Edition's mouth with Super Glue.
I know, he's not, but he may as well be.
Now that the ad-blurb copywriters are in earnest trying to dictate the Oscars®, why am I thinking most of the nominees will be from movies NOT RELEASED ON THOSE @#$%&* SCREENERS?
"THERE IS NO OTHER CURE THAN TO KILL MATT DRUDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That won't be necessary. Just pull his hat down to his feet.
But first, let's seal Bill's MOUTH with Super Glue.
That won't be necessary. Just pull his hat down to his feet.
But first, let's seal Bill's MOUTH with Super Glue.
Finally, in the Arab world, people speak up against the holy criminal class -- and an Arab expert likens Sad Saddam to Ceaucescu. Who knows? Maybe the right dominos are falling.
Well! Having already tried to sell penises, DaimlerCorp. decided it couldn't go too much further in offending reactionaries, even if they are a good chunk of our buyers; so there goes the Lingerie Bowl.
Shucks! The forces of Nazism march on!
Shucks! The forces of Nazism march on!
Little Whiney Richard wants Saddam to live, presumably as a reminder of the greatness that might have been.
A defiant, deranged Saddam Hussein is making outrageous statements to CIA interrogators, claiming his government never surrendered - and that he would win by a landslide in new Iraqi elections, The Post has learned....
Refusing to acknowledge the desperate circumstances in which he finds himself, the imprisoned, egomaniacal ex-tyrant is demanding to be treated with respect, the officials said.
Hey Sad, you're lucky we ARE treating you with respect.
Refusing to acknowledge the desperate circumstances in which he finds himself, the imprisoned, egomaniacal ex-tyrant is demanding to be treated with respect, the officials said.
Hey Sad, you're lucky we ARE treating you with respect.
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but Mayor Bloomberg's apparently is worth just 1 red cent.
A signed photo of Hizzoner was posted for sale last week on eBay. When the bidding closed last night just before 11, only one offer had been made - for a penny.
Maybe the seller should have described it as RARE.
A signed photo of Hizzoner was posted for sale last week on eBay. When the bidding closed last night just before 11, only one offer had been made - for a penny.
Maybe the seller should have described it as RARE.
Paul "The Greediest SOB" Allen wants to build a space plane, which means he should soon be shaking down the government for many many billions to build it.
My suggestion, Greedy: call Ted Stevens. But be prepared to hand him half the project -- and to relocate to Nome.
My suggestion, Greedy: call Ted Stevens. But be prepared to hand him half the project -- and to relocate to Nome.
Palestinians expelled to Gaza share boredom, bitterness and cigarettes
Which I guess means we'll soon be accusing the Israelis of fomenting lung cancer.
Which I guess means we'll soon be accusing the Israelis of fomenting lung cancer.
I can't sleep, so now's a good time to know the Profess -- BLUNDER has a "Web execlusive" saying that much-vaunted Iraqi memo is probably a fake. (I should have known something might be up when it was reported by someone named Con, no offense.) And now Buzz is all but admitting the equally vaunted campaign Weblogs (I've not seen them) are "one-way" devices. How surprising. In many ways Weblog communication is one-way, much of it is propaganda, and nearly all of it is done to amass hits. Surprise, surprise.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
The LUMMOX former Sen. Bob "MENSA" Smith is going to seek Bob Graham's seat in Florida.
HARDY-HAR-HAR! Which party, Bob?
HARDY-HAR-HAR! Which party, Bob?
It didn't take long for NewsMax, did it:
The NEWSMAX/WINCHELL AXIS is no more interested in the truth than the idiots who are mourning our capture of Saddam.
OR:
U.S. District Judge Paul L. Friedman set numerous conditions on the outings. Among other things, Hinckley is not permitted to leave his parents, John and Jo Ann, at any time while he is away from the hospital, and the first outings must be in the Washington area. Those visits could take place in two weeks unless prosecutors seek to delay them through an appeal....The judge is requiring advance notice of any outings, including a full itinerary. The Secret Service, which continues to monitor Hinckley, would be informed of any trips and would be free to keep track of him.
Facts can sometimes be an inconvenient thing.
JUDGE WHO FREED HINCKLEY IS A CLINTONISTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The NEWSMAX/WINCHELL AXIS is no more interested in the truth than the idiots who are mourning our capture of Saddam.
OR:
U.S. District Judge Paul L. Friedman set numerous conditions on the outings. Among other things, Hinckley is not permitted to leave his parents, John and Jo Ann, at any time while he is away from the hospital, and the first outings must be in the Washington area. Those visits could take place in two weeks unless prosecutors seek to delay them through an appeal....The judge is requiring advance notice of any outings, including a full itinerary. The Secret Service, which continues to monitor Hinckley, would be informed of any trips and would be free to keep track of him.
Facts can sometimes be an inconvenient thing.
Buzz T. Newhouse unintentionally raises an unpleasant point, or rather a point unpleasantly: some of the people who run the big-name Weblogs could soon be worth (or will delude themselves into thinking they'll be worth) kazillions. By cultivating their own little provincial circle of backscratching the biggies may be working up in their own way to an IPO. Truth will suffer as inevitably as it suffers with NEWS HACKS. It does not help that Google (said to be worth at least $150 quadrazillions) owns Blogger. I'm sure Buzz has been thinking of cashing in on his musings (especially after what happened to his TWX stock and options, no doubt) ; The Professor is a lawyer, nuf said. And for little, there's always fundraising.
P. S. Judging from his newly purchased site I'd say the allegedly shrewd Bob Pittman is the latest jerk to throw money away on the Web -- but he had quite an education at TWX.
P. S. Judging from his newly purchased site I'd say the allegedly shrewd Bob Pittman is the latest jerk to throw money away on the Web -- but he had quite an education at TWX.
So -- these hospitals didn't tell anybody about this psycho nurse because they didn't want to get sued.
Makes sense to me -- now that they'll get sued.
Makes sense to me -- now that they'll get sued.
Ted Stevens ranks at the top of the DAMNED IDIOTS LIST in Congress, comprised of people who stuff the government with pork and make it far more expensive to run. Well, why shouldn't we be surprised that the first question Ted asks when contemplating a piece of -- LEGISLATION is:
WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?
P. S. I found this article on Free Republic, and if the members aren't already doing the see-no-evil routine. Only a DEMOCRAT can be corrupt. Tell that to U. S. Grant, Warren Harding, RICHARD NIXON, etc. Oh, and it's the "L. A. Slimes." You clowns just don't agree with the politics. I HATE KNEE JERKS OF ANY STRIPE!
WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?
P. S. I found this article on Free Republic, and if the members aren't already doing the see-no-evil routine. Only a DEMOCRAT can be corrupt. Tell that to U. S. Grant, Warren Harding, RICHARD NIXON, etc. Oh, and it's the "L. A. Slimes." You clowns just don't agree with the politics. I HATE KNEE JERKS OF ANY STRIPE!
Free PCs didn't work then, and they won't work now.
I'm not sure what to think of the French's battle with the head scarves. It goes against my inner belief in freedom of conscience; yet we can be sure if some of those promoting the scarves had their way there'd be no freedom for anybody save the ruling imams and their court jesters the holy cockroaches.
This is one of those "If-Gallup-had-polled-in-the-Civil-War-and-asked-if-slavery-is-okay and-most-people-said-slavery-was-okay-then-slavery-was-okay" stories (sorry, that's the only way to phrase it) whose sole purpose is to discourage and demoralize the reader, leaving THE NEWS HACKS AND THEIR SHOW-BIZ BRETHREN FIRMLY IN POWER.
I think this is why the media-political-academic industrial complex is so despondent that we caught Saddam: they're power phreaks, and because the people who captured Saddam are not in their little coterie they view this as a direct challenge to their power -- and I'm not the first to say this.
I think this is why the media-political-academic industrial complex is so despondent that we caught Saddam: they're power phreaks, and because the people who captured Saddam are not in their little coterie they view this as a direct challenge to their power -- and I'm not the first to say this.
OOOOOOOOH, looks like one of the CONSERVATIVES' favorite former publishers faces the HOOSEGOW!
That should be a badge of honor with Larry "Greed" Kudlow.
That should be a badge of honor with Larry "Greed" Kudlow.
SPINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN at the PRESIDENT DAMN! COMEDY FEST:
As all this hate was getting spewed out, Dean sat backstage listening. Aides say [emphasis added] he was fuming, so livid that he almost refused to come out to talk to the crowd. When he did, he began by saying some of the language was "wrong" and "I just don't have much tolerance for ethnic humor." But he didn't refer to all the X-rated anti-Bush and anti-Cheney attacks.
On second thought, though, he did find the jokes about Condoleezza Rice funny -- so long as they didn't contain the N-word.
As all this hate was getting spewed out, Dean sat backstage listening. Aides say [emphasis added] he was fuming, so livid that he almost refused to come out to talk to the crowd. When he did, he began by saying some of the language was "wrong" and "I just don't have much tolerance for ethnic humor." But he didn't refer to all the X-rated anti-Bush and anti-Cheney attacks.
On second thought, though, he did find the jokes about Condoleezza Rice funny -- so long as they didn't contain the N-word.
When it comes to politics I'll bet J doesn't know her Lloyd's of London-insured behind from a hole in the ground, but I guess being associated with Sumner's "Hip" Youth Democrats for Whomever this means she hates Dubya too, which wouldn't distinguish her from lots of people who don't know their Lloyd's-of-London-uninsured behinds from a hole in the ground.
The hacks at USA Okay really get excited when they can combine high-grade sociology with the high-pressure sell: in this case, for "professional-grade products," which USA Okay should know about, being a professional-grade pill.
A new look at MSNBC.COM
A few features temporarily off due to high traffic
This part of the new look, Bugs?
A few features temporarily off due to high traffic
This part of the new look, Bugs?
The MAN endorses Gen. McClellan, presumably because he'd pull our soldiers out of Iraq and put them all in Boobooland.
Doesn't some TWX moron realize the company's sold its records unit?
Doesn't some TWX moron realize the company's sold its records unit?
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Okay, one: Sean Astin, and that's because he's the son of Patty Duke and Gomez. Whoopee.
Here's the Dubya people were worried about before the election: squooshy on social issues in an off-the-cuff way so he could be immortalized in the New York Times. (Certain it is that he's no fiscal conservative.) The revolting thing about this story is that it will now be endlessly spun so that we won't know what he said.
Some experts argue [Osama's] jihad has worked – the world is now polarized.
Are these the same experts who've told us al Qaeda has 2,000, 5,000, 14,000, 30,000, 60,000, 500,000, 1 million and 2 million members? I think with the events of Sunday we can safely ignore them.
Are these the same experts who've told us al Qaeda has 2,000, 5,000, 14,000, 30,000, 60,000, 500,000, 1 million and 2 million members? I think with the events of Sunday we can safely ignore them.
More on President DAMN's foreign policy:
Dean Taps Clinton Aide Who Bungled Bin Laden Deal
BIG caveat: this IS NewsMax.
Dean Taps Clinton Aide Who Bungled Bin Laden Deal
BIG caveat: this IS NewsMax.
A spate of violence Tuesday showed Saddam Hussein's capture offered no quick fix to Iraq's woes....
Oh goody! Bias? What bias?
Oh goody! Bias? What bias?
I see the Glibertarians are hammering on the Vatican's tone-deaf approach re Saddam vis-a-vis gays. I agree; but the NAME-BRAND BLOGGERS have acquired the CRITICAL MASS needed to turn common sense into just another cliche. This will happen when five bloggers with 500 trillion hits say the same thing.
THE GREATEST FANTASY SINCE
THE WIZARD OF OZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!How many names can you associate with The Wizard of Oz? Let's see: Judy Garland (how could you not?), Ray Bolger, Bert Lahr, Jack Haley, Margaret Hamilton, Billie Burke, Frank Morgan, the dog not named Toto, the Singer Midgets, Arthur Freed, Harold Arlen, E. Y. "Yip" Harburg, Victor Fleming, Mervyn LeRoy -- some may think King Vidor, others Buddy Ebsen, others Shirley Temple (who, after all, was offered the Dorothy part). A few diehards will recognize Herbert Stothart. Lots of names.
Quick! How many names can you associate with C.G.I. Tolkien's imitation-Wagner-Ring-Cycle adolescent fantasies? Bzzzzzzzzzt! TIME'S UP! DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....
"[WE] LAUNCHED THE WAR IN THE WRONG WAY, AT THE WRONG TIME, WITH INADEQUATE PLANNING, INSUFFICIENT HELP AND AT AN EXTRAORDINARY COST SO FAR OF $166 BILLION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
By New Hampshire it'll be $500 billion. By the convention it'll be $2 trillion. By the time he loses it'll be $100 trillion. Don't ask if he becomes president.
By New Hampshire it'll be $500 billion. By the convention it'll be $2 trillion. By the time he loses it'll be $100 trillion. Don't ask if he becomes president.
That week in early December was particularly painful. There was a seemingly endless stream of stories about men of color allegedly doing bad things: a Cincinnati black man caught on videotape as he fought police and later died at their hands; Michael Jackson's alleged sexual abuse of children; a Hispanic man arrested for allegedly abducting a white college student; Barry Bonds appearing before a grand jury investigating steroids. A media crime parade of men of color.
"Are there any positive stories on black men?" I screamed. I got my answer. The Grammys nominated 50 Cent for top rap artist of the year, a story that MSNBC.com put on its cover.
The MESS was only pulling the old Orwell gag: WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. RAP IS GENIUS.
"Are there any positive stories on black men?" I screamed. I got my answer. The Grammys nominated 50 Cent for top rap artist of the year, a story that MSNBC.com put on its cover.
The MESS was only pulling the old Orwell gag: WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. RAP IS GENIUS.
This is strange: Iraq's foreign minister blasts the League of Nations for doing nothing about Saddam -- and now he wants it to help?
Sweet water from a foul well, blood from rocks, you pick the cliche.
Sweet water from a foul well, blood from rocks, you pick the cliche.
And somebody MUST tell James Bowman we're living in a golden age of entertainment too:
Every time I hear the term "sophisticated romantic comedy" used by a studio publicist to describe a movie these days my heart sinks a little. Oh dear. Someone’s going to speak a little French and someone’s going to be Hollywood’s idea of a writer or intellectual and everyone is going to wear fabulous clothes and be knowledgeable about food and wine. There may even be shots of the Eiffel Tower with snow falling. How I wish, usually, that there were less sophistication and more comedy. Nancy Meyers’s Something’s [Gotta] Give has all these problems and another, even more serious one all its own. It is — how to put this delicately? — that watching Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton together is like watching your parents making love.
Yecch!
Every time I hear the term "sophisticated romantic comedy" used by a studio publicist to describe a movie these days my heart sinks a little. Oh dear. Someone’s going to speak a little French and someone’s going to be Hollywood’s idea of a writer or intellectual and everyone is going to wear fabulous clothes and be knowledgeable about food and wine. There may even be shots of the Eiffel Tower with snow falling. How I wish, usually, that there were less sophistication and more comedy. Nancy Meyers’s Something’s [Gotta] Give has all these problems and another, even more serious one all its own. It is — how to put this delicately? — that watching Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton together is like watching your parents making love.
Yecch!
Oh oh, Stephen! Turn in your union membership! You've just knocked one of the greatest achivements in film history! You'll never write in this country AGAIN!
I wonder which line will get the ad-blurb copywriters' dander up. Could it be:
What might be told in three hours is now told in four -- and then split in half, to stoke the filmmaker's ego and further fuel the merchandising.
OR:
How did Sam and Frodo get separated from Gandalf and Aragorn again? Where's Saruman? And why exactly is everyone fighting so hard to preserve a land of hereditary rulers and cranky old guys in dresses?
OR:
The director's monsters are impressive, the battle scenes thrilling, and only a nitpicker would ever stop to think he or she has just paid $10 to, essentially, watch one CGI giant fight two CGI elves.
Well Stephen, you're not supposed to NITPICK, you're supposed to RAVE RAVE RAVE ONE OF THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS IN FILM HISTORY. So much for doing 60-second blurbs on television.
I wonder which line will get the ad-blurb copywriters' dander up. Could it be:
What might be told in three hours is now told in four -- and then split in half, to stoke the filmmaker's ego and further fuel the merchandising.
OR:
How did Sam and Frodo get separated from Gandalf and Aragorn again? Where's Saruman? And why exactly is everyone fighting so hard to preserve a land of hereditary rulers and cranky old guys in dresses?
OR:
The director's monsters are impressive, the battle scenes thrilling, and only a nitpicker would ever stop to think he or she has just paid $10 to, essentially, watch one CGI giant fight two CGI elves.
Well Stephen, you're not supposed to NITPICK, you're supposed to RAVE RAVE RAVE ONE OF THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS IN FILM HISTORY. So much for doing 60-second blurbs on television.
Morterman wants the trendily airheadily KEN FELATTINGLY fanny-kissing mistress of the zeitgeist TINA to edit his new rag New York, if he gets it. But the world's preeningest hack says NO; she's too busy adjusting her Pan-Cake for TV. This is nothing a little trendy moolah couldn't cure.
JESUS II blocks the Woodman's TruthNet!
Time to PRAY, Woodman! Better still do your weeping-willow routine.
Time to PRAY, Woodman! Better still do your weeping-willow routine.
PILLHEAD shuts his open book!
I can see it now: the world's loudest richest biggest MOUTH pleading the Fifth. What delicious irony!
I can see it now: the world's loudest richest biggest MOUTH pleading the Fifth. What delicious irony!
It is clear leftists are upset that we got Saddam and have been willing to complain in every way possible. Now the bansheeing enters the mainstream as Little Whiney Richard pulls out another of his pleas for more Maypo. Here is a classic version of Lopezing, or pontificating on the world with your feet on the desk and your mind on your mutual funds. Mainstream, out of the loop, whatever, when these morons say "yes, but" they mean NO.
AIDS After 'Angels': Not Gone, Not Forgotten
Translation: not even the greatest playwright in history, writing the greatest play in history, could wipe this scourge from the face of the earth.
I rather didn't think so.
Translation: not even the greatest playwright in history, writing the greatest play in history, could wipe this scourge from the face of the earth.
I rather didn't think so.
News hacks get six and seven digits to write stories headlined like this:
More Firms to Add Staff; Cuts Planned Too
More Firms to Add Staff; Cuts Planned Too
Monday, December 15, 2003
This show-biz insider baseball can be translated as follows: if DreamWorks KGB didn't have Paul "The Greediest SOB" Allen and some gullible bankers to prop it up, it would be out of business.
I'm grateful to the very very few of the few of you who've stopped to read more than one page, because it tells me -- and I know I'm flattering myself -- that you might find my site interesting. Already a half-dozen of you have hit the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY permalink, which suggests maybe IT says something, as I intended it to. Please, if you find my ramblings of any value, do tell someone else. I'm not typing this blog for my navel's sake.
P. S. In the next few days I'll post a second permalink in the form of a glossary to explain some of my nomenclature.
P. S. In the next few days I'll post a second permalink in the form of a glossary to explain some of my nomenclature.
Most of the time, press competition is bad, because it merely allows the NEWS HACKS to one-up one another where they shouldn't. DUELING AD-BLURBS (I've given one, and one is too many) is a PRIME EXAMPLE.
Again, YOU CANNOT TRUST ONE WORD FROM THE MOVIE AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS, INCLUDING PREPOSITIONS AND CONJUNCTIONS!
Again, YOU CANNOT TRUST ONE WORD FROM THE MOVIE AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS, INCLUDING PREPOSITIONS AND CONJUNCTIONS!
One place where the refresh button can be especially rewarding is Free Republic. Now they've got a thread going on surrounding an appearance by Sen. Dippity-Doodoo on Sean Hannity's show, and nearly every post has some variation of "F***" in it. I guess there are worse ways to spend your time.
P. S. From the sound of the thread I'd say Hannity did the interview to get publicity for himself. QED.
P. S. From the sound of the thread I'd say Hannity did the interview to get publicity for himself. QED.
On the streets of Dearborn, home to a large Arab-American population, news of Hussein's capture brought demonstrators out in celebration. Iraqis burn a photo of deposed Iraqi president in front of the Karbalaa Islamic Education Center on Warren Avenue. (From www.freep.com)
Somebody gets it RIGHT.
According to new and expecting parents who visit the website
BabyNames.com, Aidan, Jayden and Caden are the top three most popular boys'
names for 2003. Meanwhile, the mermaid-inspired Madison still holds steady at
number one for most popular girls' names.
We're going nuts, I'm telling you -- NUTS!!!!!
BabyNames.com, Aidan, Jayden and Caden are the top three most popular boys'
names for 2003. Meanwhile, the mermaid-inspired Madison still holds steady at
number one for most popular girls' names.
We're going nuts, I'm telling you -- NUTS!!!!!
MORE EDITORIAL EXCELLENCE FROM BUZZ T. NEWHOUSE:
:Al Franken is going on a USO tour to the Middle East. Will have have [SIC] the guts to do his anit-war [SIC] jokes for an armed crowd?
And this has gotten 15 comments. Buzz, I suggest you use all kinds of misspellings and bad grammar; that way you'll be NUMBER ONE ON TECHNORATI.
:Al Franken is going on a USO tour to the Middle East. Will have have [SIC] the guts to do his anit-war [SIC] jokes for an armed crowd?
And this has gotten 15 comments. Buzz, I suggest you use all kinds of misspellings and bad grammar; that way you'll be NUMBER ONE ON TECHNORATI.
The League of Nations, in a snit fit because the big bad bully of the world wouldn't take its advice and keep its arms holstered, now doesn't want justice done to Saddam, presumably because it can use him in a commission somewhere.
I'll repeat: news hacks should never cover business news without statistics. That's how we get "disappointments."
Another blurbist burps, "With George Lucas’s empire showing its age...."
YOU CANNOT TRUST ONE WORD FROM THE MOVIE AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS, INCLUDING PREPOSITIONS AND CONJUNCTIONS!
YOU CANNOT TRUST ONE WORD FROM THE MOVIE AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS, INCLUDING PREPOSITIONS AND CONJUNCTIONS!
The Richie Riches of Palm Beach are embarrassed that one of their neighbors is a world-famous PILLHEAD.
Well he can always use some of his zillions to make a VERY POSH jail cell. Wonder what his tastes are in umbrella stands.
Well he can always use some of his zillions to make a VERY POSH jail cell. Wonder what his tastes are in umbrella stands.
More on The Larry "Greed" Kudlow Capitalist of the Year:
"I'm not embarrassed about anything I purchased for that apartment," Valliere said.
Even the shower curtain?
"I'm going to bring [to New York] the actual pricing from that ... every single aspect of what went into that room divider," Valliere said of the gold and burgundy curtain that, to some, has come to symbolize corporate excess. "It's not really a shower curtain. It's a great big upholstered treatment. It's a drapery."
Why should you be embarrassed, Wendy? You got yours. Now let's see if Schnozz gets his.
"I'm not embarrassed about anything I purchased for that apartment," Valliere said.
Even the shower curtain?
"I'm going to bring [to New York] the actual pricing from that ... every single aspect of what went into that room divider," Valliere said of the gold and burgundy curtain that, to some, has come to symbolize corporate excess. "It's not really a shower curtain. It's a great big upholstered treatment. It's a drapery."
Why should you be embarrassed, Wendy? You got yours. Now let's see if Schnozz gets his.
How interesting: not only do we capture some more of Sad Saddam's henchmen thanks to his arrest, we get intelligence indicating he was running the -- RESISTANCE.
It's a tragic day at Democratic Underground.
It's a tragic day at Democratic Underground.
I don't own a DVD player yet, and this is one reason why: there's mostly junk out there, and a lot of first-rate stuff hasn't been released -- including Marx Bros. comedies and the Fred-and-Ginger musicals. They will come out in due course, but not before their absence becomes a real PR embarrassment. Was ever there any proof that JACK's conspiracy is utterly deaf to the public and its responsibilities?
PROF's up early this morning to help take credit for capturing Saddam. So was Andy S. BLOGGERS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. It was our soldiers, working for a leadership that (to paraphrase Ronald Reagan) wasn't afraid to let them win. While bloggers may have provided moral support -- and as I've said too many times before, their pea-shooters are drowned out by the news hacks' nukes -- despite the sniping from the "resistance" and the hacks, they won on their own glorious initiative and superior firepower. The victory is theirs, not YOURS, Prof and Andy S. and Buzz and little. THEIRS.
Here's something worthy of the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY, if I could fit it in: a movie-ad-blurb copywriter really really likes something, so he calls it "one of the greatest achievements in film history." Leaving aside whether this hack Jack knows jack about film history (his knowledge probably doesn't extend back beyond, oh, the beginning of film history, circa 1967, as with most copywriters), there are surely quite a few masterworks in all of culture that got bombed by reviewers -- and even far more junk that got idiot raves couldn't stand the test of time. I can cite one in the Maya Lin memorial, which some hack calls "a cliche" after only two decades. And I must say it again: you hacks were wrongwrongwrong on Iraq, so how can we trust you on anything else? So Jack, next time, if you really really like something, just say it, and don't insult your readers' intelligence with job hunting.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Hey loonies! Just one problem: HITLER DIDN'T WIN THE WAR! HA HA HA!
Meantime, in IMPORTANT news:
Michael Jackson May Be Charged This Week
And yes, it took them a while to put that story about What's-His-Name Hussein on their site.
Michael Jackson May Be Charged This Week
And yes, it took them a while to put that story about What's-His-Name Hussein on their site.
The "Top Gun" image of George W. Bush's victory landing on an aircraft carrier has been officially recalled. Since the mission was not accomplished after all, we were given a replacement tableau of the president bestowing Thanksgiving grub on troops stuck in a long, hard slog.
What a jackass. I don't think I'd have wanted to be in The Gliberal's brain when he heard the news this morning. Where are you, O RARE PUBLIC EDITOR?
What a jackass. I don't think I'd have wanted to be in The Gliberal's brain when he heard the news this morning. Where are you, O RARE PUBLIC EDITOR?
One thing's certain: this might be the biggest airing of dirty laundry since Nuremberg.
You invest so much pride in a hero, and then....
U.S. forces found weapons and about $750,000 in U.S. $100 bills with the former dictator, Sanchez said, along with two AK-47s, a pistol and a white and orange taxi.
What was he going to do? Hire himself out in New York? Does a medallion cost that much? HEY TAXI!
What was he going to do? Hire himself out in New York? Does a medallion cost that much? HEY TAXI!
It's official! Saddam was captured -- at 8:57 a.m.
SADDAM has NOT been captured! How do I know? PROF hasn't posted on it.
And NOTHING is news if YOU don't post on it, right PROF?
And NOTHING is news if YOU don't post on it, right PROF?
The Posties give front-page "GRAVITAS" to President DAMN!, who responds by saying we should make nice to the French and make nice to the Palestinians and make nice to the North Koreans (in addition to letting the League of Nations run everything and hurrying our troops out of Iraq -- which we may be able to do now, no thanks to you and your friends).
DAMN! DAMN! HE'S OUR MAN!
IF HE CAN'T DO IT...
P. S. He's also advised by a FORMER natonal security adviser, two RETIRED generals and two FORMER assistant defense secretaries so he won't look ENTIRELY like an appeasing wimp.
DAMN! DAMN! HE'S OUR MAN!
IF HE CAN'T DO IT...
P. S. He's also advised by a FORMER natonal security adviser, two RETIRED generals and two FORMER assistant defense secretaries so he won't look ENTIRELY like an appeasing wimp.
Streets of Capital Are Filled With Celebrators
And the Times news suite goes GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....
And the Times news suite goes GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....
WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! won't have it till tomorrow at 5 p.m.
And speaking of President DAMN!, he just picked up endorsements from black Southerners -- and nobody else there. That'll help you win the election BIG time, Prez.
It was one thing when Jack Benny and Fred Allen feuded. This "feud" is every bit as fake -- and it's not the least bit funny.
PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!!! Where did they find this? In a gutter in Frisco?
I hope they got the right one.
WE GOT THE ACE OF SPADES!
There goes QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- for now.
The first thing on the Sunday bobblehead shows: was this aimed at President DAMN!?
There goes QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- for now.
The first thing on the Sunday bobblehead shows: was this aimed at President DAMN!?