Posted 6:02 PM by Gene

While we worry about eighty-something caucasian females with water bottles at our airports, the Afghans at least have their heads screwed on right:

In Kabul, the burial of a suicide bomber occurs at a secret time in a secret place, the forgettable end to what most here consider an unforgivable act.

You don't suppose our new friends the Iranians are behind these unforgivable acts, could you now?

Posted 12:54 PM by Gene

America's leading health experts, who moonlight as movie ad-blurbists, have not given their expected unanimous thumbs-up to Fatso's latest muckraking. One wonders if it had to do with the noble and righteous campaign contributions of Mistuh Den-BEH and Mistuh Lahr-SON. (Indeed Mistuh Den-BEH seems to have engaged in -- a little self-CENSORSHIP?) To see a story like this, therefore, is somewhat disconcerting, as we don't expect it.

Posted 11:42 AM by Gene

Oh, now it's the ESKIMOS. It has all their earmarks.

The British political establishment must resemble a pretzel. How can it do anything without being -- judgmental?

Perhaps if one of the parties was smoking....

Posted 11:02 AM by Gene

Someone (we know not who) fires a sidekick of a virtual radio host named for the late Harold Stein [sp?], and DA POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! reports on it.

While this is not the equivalent of PEOPLE WARNER and its profit center Larry, it's in the same boat.

Posted 10:55 AM by Gene

Hot, dry, windy — is this the time for fireworks? [Home-page hed]

You bet!

Posted 10:14 AM by Gene

Face it, our atom-bombing of Japan will never be politically correct.

And why does USAOKAY!!!!!.com peg this under "Life in Iraq, Iraq Casualties"?

Posted 7:29 PM by Gene

Excuses, excuses:

What has tilted Jones, already suspended for the upcoming NFL season because of his off-the-field troubles, to the edge of career suicide?

"Money," said Tony Douglas, Jones' youth football coach at Sandtown Park in southwest Atlanta. "It seems like it all stems from money. I mean, he had nothing growing up — nothing — and suddenly there's millions of dollars. I think it's been hard for him to handle."

Give me millions of dollars and I might not find it too hard to handle.

Posted 7:26 PM by Gene

Our beloved and happily outgoing may-ER got himself an iPHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, but one of the locals wasn't that impressed:

He left his spot around 11:30 a.m., soon after a 22-year-old man sporting a mohawk asked him, "How can you sit here with 200 murders in the city already?"

The mayor replied: "I'm doing my job."

Sitting on his duff, waiting for a gadget -- doing his job indeed.

Posted 5:40 PM by Gene

When your name is associated with words like "financial meltdown" it might be best if you didn't blog.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

Last night the House of Ill Repute had the guts to turn down the Fairness Doctrine Redux -- and the Dems had an instant excuse:

Democrats admitted that while they had some concern about the issue of balance in talk radio, there were no plans to resurrect the fairness doctrine and that Republicans were simply pandering to conservative talk-show hosts.

And who do you pander to?

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

Lisa Nowak's attorney Donald Lykkebak scolded the media today for treating his client's case as entertainment.

When your client is alleged to have worn adult diapers how can you not?

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

Somebody finally has the guts to attack the pablum that goes for sacred music these days. If you want a real reason why such music stinks, you can do no better than two names: Ralph Carmichael and Debby Boone.

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

Apparently the SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS are in a triumphalist mood again for "killing" the amnesty bill, but I wouldn't pat my back too hard; credit really goes to Dubya and Whiny Reid, for writing and pushing a piece of -- wonderful legislation.

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

America's WORST Magazine, Reader's Digest (yes, Reader's Digest) is about to put ads on its back cover, and...

Publisher Eva Dillon said that extensive research was done about the back cover and, though they believed readers would have a strong negative reaction, readers actually didn't seem to care one way or another.

That wouldn't reflect on your rag, would it? Naaaah.

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

Surprise: The Brits are looking for three men who are -- BUDDHISTS!

Possible let's-see-if-we-can-spin-this-story hook: The bombs were similar to those used by "insurgents" in Iraq. Ta-DA!!!!! DUBYA'S TO BLAME!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9:52 AM by Gene

Looks like our friends the Eskimos, Buddhists, etc., etc., have been at it twice today.

Posted 9:40 AM by Gene

And what if your two-hour-plus Carol Burnett sketch isn't a smash hit, KERNGERSHWIN?

Posted 6:50 AM by Gene

Honorary Mayor Mike's making annoying phone calls to the plebes to run for president!

Will you run, Honorary, or shut up?

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

Democracy was never in the cards for Hong Kong. Who needs democracy when we have communist capitalism?

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

Looks like our friends the Eskimos, or the Tutsis, or the Hindus, or the Buddhists are up to their old tricks again.

Posted 8:17 PM by Gene

Wrestler altered his Wikipedia entry (!) due to "his wife's death", and he may have been drunk at the time.

With Vince's boys one can't discount the notion this was a stunt gone horribly wrong, but I doubt it, as it sounds like a case of OJ boasting.

The noxious stench of this case gets stronger.

(Link changed from earlier citation of Yahoo! News story)

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Now that Larry and a certain recidivist have made asses of themselves definitively, we can go on to plug the living daylights out of a future recidivist.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Bald eagle comes off the endangered list; Defense Department takes credit

I thought they only killed things!

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

Rumbling on the Right

Chuck Hagel's antiwar stance could make him a serious Republican candidate for the White House in 2008. But it's causing him headaches back home.

As well it should, being he's Honorary Mayor Mike's likely VEEP.

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

But con-SER-va-tives will demonstrate their own intransigence; the Nine Fingers' split decision to knock down a part of anti-trust law limiting price collusion inevitably smells of the right's hero-worship of the rich, whatever the legal gobbledygook justifying it. Fortunately on a Nine Finger's salary he doesn't have to worry about prices, much.

Today should be the last day for Supreme Court opinions this term.

Thank GOD!

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

One of the things a Democratic president is sure to do is to make racial preference kosher again -- meaning, of course, making unfairness in the name of pandering kosher again.

Or perhaps we shouldn't say kosher, given how Democrats love Israel these days.

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

Live and learn II:

Report: Alcohol Companies Stingy With Responsibility Ad Dollars

What marketer spends money to unmarket his product -- especially to those in the prime liquor-guzzling age?

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

The fight to fight the new Fairness Doctrine is on!

Not that it has much of chance, as B&C says, but the Dems are in a censoring mood.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Yes, it would seem that banishment from the medical biz would be a proper punishment for Wrestler's "docs", but I wouldn't count on it. One thing's sure: there are too many types who'd have given drugs to Elvis.

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

There is, of course, an answer to the righteous and noble walkout today by the JOURNALSISTS: a riot of Dow Jones shareholders when the Bancrofts turn SLIME down.

Don't do it, Bannies!

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

Live and learn: Don't ever talk to yourself while on the phone with an automated customer service system or you'll cause it to reset.

Who invented such systems? Eavesdroppers?

Posted 1:35 PM by Gene

The Wall Street Journal's long tradition of independence, which has been the hallmark of our news coverage for decades, is threatened today by a force of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. [Words and emphasis added]

You've got me thinking SLIME can't fire some of you FAST ENOUGH.

Posted 1:17 PM by Gene

For the second time, why was this necessary?

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

Morality is a private and costly luxury.
--Henry Adams

Do you suppose there's a reason this appeared on your Web site today, Little Malcolm? Hinthint?

Posted 8:37 AM by Gene

Say, if Dow 36,000 hasn't come up with a solution to the immigration problem: birth control! See, Mexicans are having fewer babies, and all throughout Latin America "[b]etter education and improved job opportunities for women" -- not to mention liberalized abortion -- are causing people to have fewer babies, meaning far fewer millions to stampede our borders looking for work! Which means amnesty's okay after all!

Why doesn't Dow go back to counting the points to his 36,000?

Posted 8:32 AM by Gene

Dubya and Belly Kisser are confabbing at Papa's digs, meaning nothing will get done.

Well, one thing: Papa can boast about it in all the speeches he makes.

Posted 8:09 AM by Gene

Stupid zillionaire interviewer interviews stupid ex-con celebrity interviewee. Writer for same company that employs stupid zillionaire interviewer makes fun of stupid zillonaire inteviewer and stupid ex-con celebrity interviewee.

SYNERGY!

Posted 8:53 PM by Gene

Wrestler's son was mentally retarded -- another reason to treat him to a chokehold.

Sounds more and more too as though wrestler was a steroid junkie, which of course justifies treating your mentally retarded son to a chokehold.

If Vince McMahon had blown up pro wrestling along with his car the world would have saluted him.

Posted 7:10 PM by Gene

Concerned about a "lack of production" pulling in donations toward the 2008 Republican National Convention, Gov. Tim Pawlenty and his allies hoped an intimate appeal to high-level business executives at the stately governor's mansion would shake loose more cash.

"We're looking for each Fortune 500 company headquartered in Minnesota to give at least $1 million; and some of you will be able to be far more generous than that," read Pawlenty's talking points for the June 6 meeting.

Leaders of companies outside that elite club got a pitch for $250,000 to $500,000 contributions, according to documents obtained by the Associated Press under a government records request.

Aw shucks, you're a piker, Gov. If The Great Alaskan Boar and Sen. Train to Nowhere had been there they could have lined the Twin Cities' streets with GOLD.

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

Isn't it a little late in the day to get upset that we tried to poison Fidel? For one thing, look what a great job he's done with Cuba.

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

Someone named Andrew Keen has written a book, and he sighs:

“It’s creating an increasingly inane and trivialized culture....One imaginary dystopia is that in 25 or 50 years, there will be no mainstream media. There’s nothing inevitable about Hollywood. There’s nothing inevitable about the music industry. The replacement for mainstream media is Twitter, it’s YouTube, it’s Wikipedia … If you read it on the Internet, it likely isn’t true.”

Valid enough, yet we must confess the culture couldn't have devalued itself without the past fifty years of decline, and if the Web churns out tons of "increasingly inane and trivialized culture" it's only a broader reflection of the top-down culture around it. The sci-fi phreaks, the horror-porn ghouls, the rock and TV-series worshippers, the schlock-cult obsessive compulsives and anal retentives -- none of these would have been if the boys way up there hadn't churned out the stuff for years -- and a gotten a public increasingly distant from standards and taste to like it.

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

We wonder why Dubya continues to push this. Is it his own personal Profile in Courage? Has something in him convinced him that this must be his Statement for History, much as Gerald Ford convinced himself with Tricky Dick? Is it cheap politics? Is he doing it just because he doesn't know any better?

Who'll wager it's the last one?

Posted 5:00 PM by Gene

Why are all Indian customer-"service" reps specifically trained to say OW-kay?

Posted 12:07 PM by Gene

A big day at a LEGENDARY ad-trade journal:

Geico's Big Spending Pays Off, Study Says

Does that include all those thousands of mailings I trash because ST. WARREN doesn't know I don't own a car?

U.S. Ad-Spending Growth Slows Way Down

Which still means that nearly $300 BILLION of OUR money is being burned on crappy TV and junk rags.

Time Inc. Hopes to Prove Value of Its Brands Online

If it put out decent rags it wouldn't have to worry about its "BRANDS."

GM's 'Transformers' Tie-In Extends Beyond Big Screen

TRANSLATION: Now we REALLY get to schmooze!

Posted 11:13 AM by Gene

In rummaging through a story on ASSPress's site we came across this:

President Vladimir Putin said Thursday no one should try to make Russia feel guilty about the Great Purge of 1937, saying it may have been one of the most notorious episodes of the Stalin era but "in other countries even worse things happened."...

Speaking with the teachers, Putin suggested the United States' use of atomic weapons against Japan at the end of World War II was worse than the abuses of Stalin. He also cited the U.S. bombing campaign and use the defoliant Agent Orange during the Vietnam War.

We also came across this:

Kremlin Powers May Be Split After Putin

...which suggests the faint hopeful possibility that Belly Kisser's successors won't be quite the law-abiding tyrants he is -- unless, of course, he becomes President for Life in a manufactured crisis.

Posted 10:58 AM by Gene

Our favorite cable-news entertainer DOES IT AGAIN:

Larry King Calls Ringo 'George'

Posted 10:42 AM by Gene

We see Stale.com's been rooting around the recycle bin looking for another writer.

Really guys, if you're looking for someone with "blogspot.com" in his url, there's always me. Fat chance.

Lately, I've had action heroes on the brain: John McClane, Indiana Jones, Republicans.

Of course, the heroic comportment of the Bush administration and the Republican candidates shares something fundamental with the heroism of our big-screen tough-guys: it is totally fictional.

TRANSLATION: The ACTION-MOVIE JO-NAH of the LEFT! DOWN WITH JO-NAHS!

Posted 10:23 AM by Gene

We would take rioting in Iran seriously except it's happened before, and the holy cockroaches have survived. Wouldn't it be ironic, though, if this former member of the Axis of Evil came down due to gas rationing.

Posted 10:16 AM by Gene

ALL HAIL THE NEW INCOMPETENT!

(Via ASSPress)

Posted 10:09 AM by Gene

DA: Wrestler's Son May Have Died in Chokehold

I don't care if he had "roid rage." What earthly excuse is there for this?

Posted 10:05 AM by Gene

Another potential MASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERWUHK for Branson East:

One of the hits of last summer’s New York Intl. Fringe Festival, the musical political satire “Walmartopia,” will have a commercial run, opening Sept. 3 at Off Broadway’s Minetta Lane Theater.

With a book by Catherine Capellaro and music and lyrics by Andrew Rohn, the show skewers the world’s largest company via the vicissitudes of a single mom and Wal-Mart employee, who speaks out against working conditions and ends up transported with her daughter to 2036, when Wal-Mart rules the planet.

George S. Kaufman once said satire is what closes on Saturday night. In the modern Branson East what closes Saturday night actually closed ten years ago.

Posted 8:19 AM by Gene

"The Bancrofts are about to make a pact with -- THE DEVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!" [Overemphasis added]

If you idiots want to accelerate your decline you will keep talking about this force of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL, you will keep talking after you've subjected us to PARIS for only the last ten years, you will keep talking after The Mess of all people disclosed your CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS, you will keep talking because otherwise YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.

Posted 6:51 AM by Gene

...a New York Times/CBS News/MTV poll...

A PINCH/SUMNER POLL....

These guys still think they win all the time. Sorry. Now you win only 98 percent of the time.

Posted 6:47 AM by Gene

In the fourth (or sixth, or whatever) installment of "ROAD to EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL: How the Vice-President Became America's Dictator", we see the Ruthless One...rewriting environmental laws -- to help his friends!!!!!

"Leaving No Tracks" indeed. We see no place for reader comments or Technorati. Sorta like in the old days. Shrewd, Lenny!

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

Half-a-dozen of the other tells six of one where it can go.

Posted 7:06 PM by Gene

One reason I don't follow $eligi$m is that the current crop of announcers sounds as if it trained with the sound off for thirty years. Harry Kalas reminds us of when people still cared for the game, and the announcers. That so many no longer care for the sport of asterisks is because they may no longer care for the announcers.

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

ExxonMobil, ConocoPhillips refuse to sign Venezuela deals

Who would have thought BIG OIL would show more spunk than the Dalai Lamas of Mountain View, or Mr. Human Rights?

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

More of that famous un-CW Stale.com insight:

Are Polls Undercounting Ron Paul's Supporters? [Home-page tease]

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

Happily people at The New Yorker, which had only eleven (yes, eleven) staffers give money to Democrats, show some independence by supporting an independent.

Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

This doesn't even qualify as daydreaming. Sally forgets a man who views himself as the ultimate lobbyist will not give up his post or his perks, and if Dubya won't fire AG Cipher what is the chance of him parting from his marionettist? Yes, just because an author has a BIG NAME doesn't guarantee he won't have little sense.

Posted 10:53 AM by Gene

King Richard, Baba Wawa, Bob Kerrey and the head of the CFR say: Honorary Mayor Mike for Prez!

Okay, what did he promise them?

Posted 10:48 AM by Gene

OOOOOoooooh, an MP quits the Tories for Labour -- because they "stand for nothing"?

1. Someone finally noticed; and 2. What's the difference?

Posted 10:44 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: The willfully ignorant ad spending will merely follow the garbage onto the Web -- assuming the willfully ignorant advertisers are willing to break their budgets into a million pieces.

Posted 10:40 AM by Gene

How many saw this story and assumed it was a joke? And when we assume a possible suicide-double-murder is a joke does that say that our media betters have gone too far with their mind games?

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

Meh-hee-co's police chiefs would take the right side in the drug war?

Heaven forfend!

Posted 7:21 PM by Gene

Earlier from the ASSPress:

A jockey who kicked his horse in the stomach before a race was suspended for 30 days and fined $1,000 by Philadelphia Park officials on Monday.

A simple question: Why didn't the horse kick back?

Posted 7:19 PM by Gene

ASSPress Hed of the Year:

World Awaits Paris Hilton's Return

You're sure about that?

Posted 5:54 PM by Gene

What is the difference between FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEWS and PNN? They're both third-rate news outfits. They both created huge gobs of air time to fill so they could fill it in the worst way, with the video version of navel staring. They both have the most risible personalities -- Larry the Softball, the No-Spin Spin Spin Spin Spin Spin Spin Spin Zone. They've both given the word pundit a bad name. They're both obsessed with celebrities to the point it's damaged their reputations -- such as they ever had. They've both been run by respective partisan charlatans -- Rick Kaplan, Roger Ailes. They both were founded and owned by zillionaire bullies -- MOUTH, SLIME. So what's the difference?

There is no difference, except that FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEWS is biased in an unacceptable way, and PNN is biased in an acceptable way. Really Scott, we don't want to hear these pinhead debates about the pinhead cable news networks.

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

One wants to feel sorry for the union workers who are about to lose a big pot of layoff gold, and then you remember Johnny Cash and "One Piece at a Time", and you think, this sort of largesse never made sense.

Posted 4:48 PM by Gene

Compact Disc's Outlook Worsens

...and no, despite the best hopes of news hacks, who want to believe, downloads aren't substituting:

Greenfield and Smaldon said they expect U.S. unit sales of digital music to grow 28% in 2008, slowing from projected growth of 47% this year. However, rapid growth in digital sales will still fall short of making up for the decline in CD sales.

As a result, the Pali analysts expect total U.S. unit sales of recorded music to decline about 9% in both 2007 and 2008. [Emphasis added]

This is all one word: [C]RAP. [C]RAP has come to define the recorded-sound biz in the public imagination, and the public doesn't want to imagine. And [C]RAP has no melody, and where there is no melody, there is no music. The other pop...SOUND jean-RUHS follow in line; words like alternative, industrial, grunge, punk -- they're just another word for tuneless. There is nothing new to listen to. This is excellent news in the short run as it will put many of the disgorgers of this sonic bilge water out of business. It is a calamity as far as the ear can hear.

Posted 4:45 PM by Gene

We get it too: Some SENIOR CLUNKER BROTHER execs paid gazillions to Tiger, Kelly and Jimmy so they wouldn't stop boasting, or humiliating their subordinates -- and also so they wouldn't have to spend time and money thinking up cars people will BUY. Sorry G. WE GET IT TOO.

P. S. to Jerry "Sieg Heil" Yang on 7/13/2008 at 8:00 p.m.: Hey Jerr, why can I pull up THIS one?

Posted 2:20 PM by Gene

And in Branson East, Mr. Sorkin, the creator of the brilliant smash hit EINSTEIN, and backed by Luke Spielberg, is ready to do a play about who lost television.

If EINSTEIN was a lecture this will be a Ph.D. program.

Posted 2:01 PM by Gene

Another upcoming masterwork: the folks at ESPNCorp Animation are so confident about their latest computer animation morale's going through the floor!

Haven't they remade Toy Story once too often?

And has Jim Hill (whoever he is) written too many words?

(Via ShowBizData)

Posted 1:16 PM by Gene

Brett Ratner to direct 'Playboy'
Filmmaker set for bio on Hugh Hefner

1. A whitewash; 2. A PC whitewash; 3. A CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED PC whitewash; 4. An ACADEMY AWARD®-WINNING CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED PC whitewash.

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 1:05 PM by Gene

One of Hollywood's most beloved professional airheads apologizes to the Peruvians for her trés chic diplomatic blunder -- but then she probably thought it meant "one from column A and one from column B" in Chinese.

Posted 11:11 AM by Gene

The Nine Fingers rule against bong hits on T-shirts in high schools!

Where would we be without 'em? (The Nine Fingers, that is.)

Posted 11:01 AM by Gene

The dry-cleaner case struck a new low for frivolous lawsuits, which won't prevent others from aiming lower.

Posted 10:43 AM by Gene

I'm not sure which is worse: that Alzheimer's can happen to your parents or that Alzheimer's can happen to you.

Then again, when Alzheimer's strikes a parent it does strike you.

Posted 10:41 AM by Gene

Whew! Good news for George "My Business is My Business" Will: The Nine Fingers say big business and big labor can now sic us with more irritating advocacy ads at election time. Hail the Mighty Broad¢a$ter$!

Posted 9:42 AM by Gene

Does it make sense for Honorary Mayor Mike to tick off one of his constituencies so early in his campaign?

Pffh-hh-hh!

Posted 9:37 AM by Gene

NewYork.com has given us an idea: we should subject all big newspaper stories to MS Word AutoSummarize. (We barely knew it existed.) Then we too could no doubt say, "Don't worry: The full version doesn't contain anything new about the guy, either."

Posted 6:10 PM by Gene

I'd guess I've bought CDs from perhaps a dozen shops (brick-and-mortar or Web) that have gone out of business. Music retailing is so afflicted by low margins it's hard to see how anyone can make money except on sheer force of volume, and the big-box chains sell their goods as loss leaders. Now comes word that Footlight.com is closing. I'd just started purchasing from them -- they've had pretty decent sales -- and they were good for the kind of specialty recordings impossible to find elsewhere (and that probably should be): foreign cast albums and soundtracks and vocalists. While my checking account is happy no one else can be at the disappearance of sellers who've given recorded music some semblance of diversity, and each Footlight.com that closes condemns us to a future of pablum, sold out of a box, one way or another.

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

Cigarette media spending totaled just $56 million in 2005, down 94% from its 1985 peak of $932 million, according to an Ad Age DataCenter analysis of Federal Trade Commission data. There's still plenty of marketing spending behind the products: The FTC said cigarette makers in 2005 spent $13.1 billion on U.S. "advertising and promotions" -- but the vast majority of that went to in-store trade and consumer price-promotion offers. [Emphasis added]

And cigarettes still sell, in spite of all, proving the utter waste of money that is advertising.

Posted 2:38 PM by Gene

Here is a reason why the next time some suggests that graffiti is AHT, he should be greeted with the verbal equivalent of a punch in the nose.

Posted 12:25 PM by Gene

And as PAUL DRECK prays for next weekend to be better -- and his prayer will probably be answered, as he prays to...well, we won't guess to whom he prays, but we think his god may reside under the earth's crust -- another Big V hack points to the future of fillum, whatever future that is:

There's no longer any question whether special effects can be made more realistic: The issue is whether disposable actors can be trained to play better with bluescreens.

We're not sure what our scribbler means by "disposable actors", but we think he means flesh-and-blood types. But then the whole biz is heading toward a time when flesh-and-blood actors will be superfluous, an apt future for a business that has pretty well become superfluous, blue screens or no.

The premise for these fights hasn't moved beyond 1925's "The Lost World"....

TRANSLATION: SUMNER'S MADE AN 82-YEAR-OLD CGI MOVIE!

Posted 11:01 AM by Gene

Tony Blair says he has handed control of Britain's governing Labour party to Gordon Brown.

WATCH THE DOOR ON THE...never mind.

Posted 10:17 AM by Gene

Gore Vidal gets into a lawsuit-threatening frenzy over a play and his late long-distance strictly-correspondence "lover" sexy Timmy McVeigh, which would be good for a laugh except that INTELLECTUALS will fall in love with anything.

Posted 10:14 AM by Gene

The Jeanne d'Arc of Prison and LARRY KING -- a marriage made somewhere beneath Hell.

"Paris will not be paid a dime for the interview," Us Weekly magazine quoted a CNN source as saying.

TRANSLATION: PEOPLE WARNER'S PAYING FOR IT -- SOMEHOW.

Posted 10:04 AM by Gene

The real question is, how can Hamas have peace with Israel and annihilate it at the same time? This is a question Hamas may want to refuse to answer.

Meantime, will PEOPLE WARNER ever stop churning out STROBE TALBOTTS?

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

Has any rag ever managed to put out as many scribblers who sound as coyly cloyingly alike as The Paper of Re-CORD has? Today Chris puts his fist in the air for "rock" in musicals, conceding that it hasn't very often worked, and further conceding, "My immersion in contemporary rock and pop ended some time ago now...." So you're as much an old fogey as the expense accounters! Honest Chris, has anyone really cared what goes on the Branson East stage so long as we have bodies in the seats? Elsewhere Denny worships a porno -- an aht-house ac-TRESS (pardon us; ac-TOR, ac-TOR, always thus in the PINCHIAN precincts) whose oeuvre includes "storm[ing] a strip-club stage, pet Rottweiler in tow, and proceed[ing] to entwine tongues with the slobbering dog." Really, you couldn't make up The Paper of Re-CORD if you tried -- and PINCH has been trying since before JAYSON.

Posted 9:29 AM by Gene

The man who did such a masterful job exterminating Kurds has gotten his rich reward.

Of course that isn't nearly as many deaths as EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL DUBYA has...is there any reasoning with people like that?

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

LIAR LIAR BROCK'S ON FIRE may want to explain why, if America's become so gung-ho ultra-lib...PROGRESSIVE why AMNESTY has fired up the right in the grass roots. Oh, we know, it's all those NAZIS on talk radio. They'll do whatever they say. THAT'S the explanation. As if you don't have your PINCHIAN sycophants.

Posted 9:23 AM by Gene

Addressing the 50th anniversary convention of his own denomination, the United Church of Christ, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois said Saturday that the religious right had “hijacked” faith and divided the country by exploiting issues like abortion, same-sex marriage and school prayer.

But Mr. Obama said that religion has a rightful role to play in American politics, and he praised people of faith who he said are now using their influence to try to unite Americans against problems like poverty, AIDS, the health care crisis and the violence in Darfur.

TRANSLATION: 1. We should ignore conservative moral issues in favor of feel-good liberal topics where we can platitudinize to our heart's content; 2. We want the left to do what the right is doing. What cynicism. We hardly expected this from JFK Lincoln. Or didn't we?

Posted 9:35 PM by Gene

This must be a slow news week (get it?) -- JonBoy's putting Twenty Questions on current affairs on his cover. Is "What You Need to Know Now" a challenge to Useless News? And are we really supposed to be less ignorant than newsrag editors? Elsewhere we wallow in wealth -- "stealthily", which is the only natural thing a news hack can do.

Posted 6:53 PM by Gene

Equality has come to weddings: the women waste money on fancy gowns, the men waste money on bonding.

At times like these there seems an inkling of an advantage to being single -- just.

Posted 1:19 PM by Gene

And as a friend of Daniel Pearl's discovers too late, when you sell your story to Hollywood (to paraphrase Merle Travis) you sell yo' soul to the company sto'.

Happily even the most high-toned movie S&M phreaks seem to realize it, and are avoiding this PC lecture in droves.

(Via -- alas -- MS. TRAVERS)

Posted 11:10 AM by Gene

As those three of you who regularly follow my blog may know, what's bad news for the B. O. is good news for me. And we seem to have very good news across the board this weekend: GOODTHINGS ENTERTAINMENT's attempt to condescend to Christians is doing less well than expected. So is some horror movie from "MGM" (UA! UA!!!!!) -- and especially so is that PC Daniel Pearl movie. (When the hacks in their usual ein-volk-ein-Reich-ein-reviewer mode all called it a MASSSSSSSSSSSTERPIECE you just KNEW.) And SLIME's legions must be ecstatic their latest sci-fi ride is down 72% weekend-to-weekend. Hey, it's a hit, isn't it? In short, the road to A RECORD B. O. SUMMER FOR 2007!!!!!! has hit a three-foot-high speed bump.

Posted 10:38 AM by Gene

No! ESPNCorp's Tarzan theme park in Branson East is closing -- 10,000 performances before it was supposed to!

Another MICKEYMOUSE NIXON innovation bites the dust.

(Via MyWay)

Posted 10:16 AM by Gene

Show me the way to go home.
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed....

Go, GO, World's Oldest Adolescent!

Posted 10:14 AM by Gene

Stories we did not read further:

Clift: Joe Biden's horse sense on Iraq

We could say a word or two should be replaced, but then we'd have to choose the words.

Posted 10:11 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Women should get to earn big money spouting obscene slant rhymes too!

We should remember this was part of the Knight-Ridder empire. New ownership does not seem to have rid this rag of its high regard for the pee-PUL.

Posted 10:09 AM by Gene

Before we boo-hoo at all the innocents dying in Afghanistan, we may want to consider this:

Children as young as six are being used by the Taliban in increasingly desperate suicide missions, coalition forces in Afghanistan claimed yesterday.

The International Security Assistance Force (ISAF), to which Britain contributes 5,000 troops in southern Afghanistan, revealed that soldiers defused an explosive vest which had been placed on a six-year-old who had been told to attack Afghan army forces in the east of the country.

The boy was spotted after appearing confused at a checkpoint. The vest was defused and no one was hurt.

Don't the holy cockroaches have any pride? Don't they have any sense?

Posted 10:04 AM by Gene

How many stolen cars come back to their rightful owners? How many stolen cars might be making the trek now like this one -- on eBay?

(Via USAOKAY!!!!!.com's On Deadline)

Posted 9:57 AM by Gene

JERNALISTS are PONDERING how the FORCE of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL will destroy the GREATEST NEWS ORGANIZATION KNOWN TO MAN -- for being a CONSERVATIVE.

They would of course not PONDER how giving donations to Democratic candidates by a 9-to-1 ratio would destroy their business. They would not ponder how "setting agendas" would destroy their business. They would not ponder how fifth-rate writing and constant errors would destroy their business. They would not ponder how talking to the peon public from Mt. Olympus would destroy their business. No the news hack's self-regard will endure long after he's destroyed his business.

Posted 9:55 AM by Gene

ABC and NBC End Race to Interview Paris Hilton

Translation: They were both embarrassed to be throwing millions at her. (They? embarrassed?!?)

Posted 7:05 PM by Gene

Meantime the Center for American Progress (I HATE these anodyne names for screaming-meemie partisans left or right) says in so many words the solution to all these NAZIS on the radio is the Fairness Doctrine, but it is shrewd enough not to use a term from which emanates a smell. And it too summons some impressive numbers:

The selection models was [SIC] specified as:

shows = α + β1(minownsta)i + β2(femownsta)i + β3(singleown)i + β4(localown)i + β5(mktpop)i + β6(pctminor)i + β7(starev)i + β8(newsform)i + β9(talkform)I + ξi

The outcome models were specified as:

consta = α + β1(minownsta)i + β2(femownsta)i + β3(singleown)i + β4(localown)i + β5(mktpop)i + β6(pctminor)i + β7(starev)i + ξi

progsta = α + β1(minownsta)i + β2(femownsta)i + β3(singleown)i + β4(localown)i + β5(mktpop)i + β6(pctminor)i + β7(starev)i + ξi

TRANSLATION: We want to censor people we disagree with. Cut the comedy clowns and admit to it!

(Via reclaimthemedia.org)

Posted 6:57 PM by Gene

LIAR LIAR BROCK'S ON FIRE would seem to make a fairly persuasive case that the public has grown just to the right of ultra-left (or as he must say, "progressive"), but we must keep in mind a few things: 1. It's Liar (which pretty well guarantees no one will take it seriously -- n'est-ce pas, Da-vid?); 2. It's news-media-concocted polls, and 3. We suspect a con-SER-va-tive organization could concoct its own proof the public has grown right. Whatever the case, it is irksome to have yet more people convince us polls are the substance of wisdom, and the truth of polls is the God's truth.

(Via something called marketingcharts.com via Media Buyer Planner)

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

European leaders were this evening close to agreement on a revamped constitution after France won a symbolic watering down of the EU's 50 year commitment to a free market economy.

Tony Blair, attending his last EU summit as Prime Minister, was forced into an embarrassing u-turn after being outmanoeuvred by the French President Nicolas Sarkozy over the removal of a commitment to "free and undistorted" competition in a list of the EU's defining objectives.

So much for THAT conservative.

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

And why shouldn't the line between jernalism and MARKETING "blur"? The line between "reporting" and PROPAGANDIZING blurred a long time ago.

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

QED: Someone with a site called JournalismProfessor.com (NUF SAID) screams and whines and pouts that 99.9 PERCENT OF ALL JERNALISTS DO NOT GIVE TO CAMPAIGNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- then sheepishly discloses that he donated $1,125 to Deval Patrick.

Or to quote from a lyric I've quoted before:

You help me
Like a burglar helps Fort Knox.
You help me
Like the fox hunt helps the fox....

KEEP HELPING, CHRIS!

(Via -- where else? -- Romy, who was sorta hoping he was helping)

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

Judging from "Magnum's funniest pictures" either the folks at Stale.com have a strange sense of humor, or none.

Posted 1:31 PM by Gene

Love him or hate him, though, Bonds sells.

The Red Sox continued their consecutive sellout streak with Bonds in town last weekend. More remarkable, the Brewers sold 112,020 tickets for the three games this week, with no crowd less than 35,000.

Whatever's* good for $ELIGI$M.

Posted 11:30 AM by Gene

Another cash cow of sorts is the convention center -- because it never stops mooing for cash. Our StinkyInky, which can make George Babbitt seem like the enemy of civic boosterism, has been gung-ho for our convention center expansion even though it admits it will lose tens of millions (EDDIE!!!!! reasoning it's supposed to bring in all sorts of tourist dollars -- get it?). Now Gov. REFORM of Noo Yawk may spend $4 billion -- only $7,272.73 a SQUARE FOOT! -- on an expansion of his own, money that could go to more useful pursuits...like football stadiums.

The convention center expansion is the civic equivalent of breast implants.

Posted 11:20 AM by Gene

Phoenix, AZ NAMED THE NO. 1 SWEATIEST CITY
IN AMERICA IN SIXTH ANNUAL OLD SPICE SWEATIEST CITIES STUDY [SIC!!!!!]

And how many hundreds of thousands -- millions -- did the boys in CINCINNATI burn to concoct this boneheaded stunt in the hopes of further insinuating themselves in Hollywood, a city that doesn't sweat at all?

Posted 11:15 AM by Gene

It's all well and good for JFK Lincoln to offer an "ethics plan", but so did Slick, and so did The World's Oldest Adolescent, and so did Dubya (somewhere), and so did SPEAKER BABS, so forgive us for thinking in a second term there'll be the usual scandals.

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

A eulogy from Paul Greenberg:

What is to be said of Kurt Waldheim on his death? One might as well try to judge a machine. And yet attention must be paid. Because large organizations-armies, governments, corporations, international agencies-have no conscience of their own. They must depend on individuals to supply it. And when an individual with some administrative skill not only follows orders, but refines and processes and initials them, making sure they will prove highly effective, there is no limit to the evil that can be accomplished.

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

BEFORE HE WORKED FOR FOX NEWS. . .:

Britt Hume was a commie symp. Well, not exactly, but he was the target of CIA surveillance in the early '70s, according to the agency's "family jewels" documents that are being declassified. Today's WaPo reports:

Personal surveillance was conducted on [Jack] Anderson and three of his staff members, including Britt Hume, now with Fox News, for two months in 1972 after Anderson wrote of the administration's "tilt toward Pakistan."

--Jason Zengerle

posted 08:50 a.m.
Comment | E-mail The Plank | Email this post | Return to top

[SIC!!!!!!!!!!]

Yes Jason, I think you guys have been spending TOO MUCH MONEY on Democrats.

P. S. DAMMIT! The WaPo CORRECTED IT. Oh well, Jason still doesn't know better.

Posted 8:49 AM by Gene

NBC News in $1B Deal for Paris Hilton Chat (NYP) [SIC!!!!!] [MediaBistro hed]

Now we know celebrity "news" has gone TOO FAR.

Posted 8:43 AM by Gene

Okay, Jo-NAH, we're suspicious of "compromise" too, as it usually means compromise for our side (i.e., the news hacks'), and yes, Honorary Mayor Mike is a very rich ass, but let's have more of the constant screaming of the last several years, of all Tarzana and St. Cindy all the time. Maybe you like it, Jo-NAH -- which suggests you may be deaf.

Posted 8:31 AM by Gene

It's sad when civilians lose their lives in war, but this is how the holy cockroaches operate: by planting themselves among civilians, and shrewdly believing inevitable casualties will result in wailing and gnashing of teeth from unbiased, nonpartisan, Democratic-contributing news hacks. And we wonder too how many of the civilians are culpable; if they don't know of what the holy cockroaches are up to there's a good chance some of them approve, which makes them that much more reckless.

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

Fatso's tantrum over 9/11 did nothing (except in the fringes) and it's likely his tantrum over health care will do nothing, but by yelling in meaningless debate over it we can delude ourselves into believing we're doing something.

Posted 9:35 PM by Gene

"Collapsing", "liquidation", "contagion" -- we sure hope the casino operators of Wall Street don't have a surprise waiting for us with their wheeling-dealing in subprimes, but when the boys put their minds to creating a financial crisis, it's hard to stop them.

Posted 9:29 PM by Gene

Another MICKEYMOUSE NIXON innovation bites the dust: ESPNCorp will no longer make direct-to-video spinoffs of its best-known animations. The purists will say these factory seconds cheapened the putative founder Mr. Disney's spirit, but the more we learn of Uncle Walt the more we learn of how the banks forced him to compromise his artistic vision (which, we might add, was still a thousand times greater than MICKEYMOUSE's), and at any rate, it's a little late in the day to blast a company that issued R movies to make friends with ad-blurbists for having compromised itself.

(Via FilmStew.com via ShowBizData)

Posted 6:22 PM by Gene

When a fellow turns down a chance to manage a team things with the team must be p-retty bad.

Posted 6:20 PM by Gene

Gov. Rod Blagojevich's practice of flying from his Chicago home to the Capitol in Springfield and back for daily budget negotiations is costing Illinois taxpayers more than $5,800 a day -- roughly $76,000 since late May and climbing.

Coffee, tea or boondoggle?

Hey, he's entitled. Didn't he used to be in the House, where they had their own bank and post office?

Posted 6:18 PM by Gene

Hutchison to defy GOP on immigration bill

Strange -- when it came to illegal immigration we thought the GOP stood for amnesty and punishment at the same time.

Posted 6:10 PM by Gene

To the extent we can trust John McLaughlin's former sidekick, and that's little further than the tip of our nose, we do wish Dubya showed this kind of guts more often, meeting as he did with a courageous Chinese cardinal and defender of freedom; but then the guts are swamped by the stubbornness, and the hubris.

Posted 6:07 PM by Gene

Honorary Mayor Mike is a tax-and-spender -- who's a "success" because of the booming Wall Street casino -- and because he's a just-plain-old-spender besides?!?

Heaven forfend!

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

So much for the conventional wisdom: maybe the problem is Dubya talks to the hacks too much!

Maybe he figures it's Bushisms all the way anyway.

Posted 3:49 PM by Gene

Lebanon's defense minister says Islamic militants have been defeated and the month-long "military operation is over" except for mopping up.

Why am I thinking, the most likely riposte to this is "we'll see about that"?

Posted 3:47 PM by Gene

Jo-NAH, that you needed WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!'s help in finding that story of news hacks' campaign contributions says you can't surf the Web without a walker.

Posted 1:50 PM by Gene

THE EDWARD R. MURROW and ERIC SEVAREID OF COMEDY have their OWN NEWS WEB SITE!

Think pundits running out of things to say will mention this one soon?

P. S. From the looks of things I'd say it's clips 'n' interns -- but what do you expect from SUMNER?

Posted 1:47 PM by Gene

Little Jeffy decides he wants to try for that $1 TRILLION market cap after all.

Posted 9:30 AM by Gene

One Labour MP privately lamented that with still another week to go before Gordon Brown succeeded Tony Blair, the move "reinforces the impression that nobody's in control. Anybody with any common sense would have blocked this," said the MP.

Who says anyone in The World's Oldest Adolescent's government has any common sense?

(Via ArtsJournal)

Posted 9:28 AM by Gene

Why Honorary Mayor Mike may want to run: he'll have an official flack sheet in The Paper of Re-CORD!

Posted 9:10 AM by Gene

SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX has the shakes: Ah-NULT's WONDERFUL cooperation with the Democrats may be "in peril" because -- let me guess -- Ah-NULT isn't Democratic enough?

Was ever a colyumnist more predictable and tiresome than SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX? Why didn't he give money to someone so we could make fun of him? Oh. He's unbiased and nonpartisan.

Posted 8:45 AM by Gene

Shhh, don't say anything, but:

Journalists dole out cash to politicians (quietly)

And aren't WE surprised:

MSNBC.com identified 144 journalists who made political contributions from 2004 through the start of the 2008 campaign, according to the public records of the Federal Election Commission. Most of the newsroom checkbooks leaned to the left: 125 journalists gave to Democrats and liberal causes. Only 17 gave to Republicans. Two gave to both parties.

Unbiased nonpartisan MORONS.

P. S. THE LIST.

How unexpected: all eleven effete snobs with The New Yorker gave to Dems, including David Den-BEH and Bert Lahrson, which lends further credence to the notion Pauline Kael never knew anyone who voted for Nixon. Nine Bloomies supported Dems, which would mean Honorary Mayor Mike will have strong support for HIS run. And three "Ds" at the Journals, so we know why SLIME is THE force of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL.

Double-dealing neutral IMBECILES.

Posted 8:35 AM by Gene

For generations, homebuyers have had one simple rule drilled into their heads: Whatever happens, keep paying the mortgage. If you don't, you risk losing your house and all the equity you've built up in it.

But for many subprime borrowers, that doesn't seem to be the rule of thumb anymore. They are now more likely to be late on their mortgage than on their credit card, according to a new study from Experian Group, the Ireland-based company that maintains a huge database of consumer credit histories.

TRANSLATION: People do not need a roof over their heads in order to EAT.

Posted 8:33 AM by Gene

Why Bloomberg May Not Want to Run

For starters, America does not have 300 million liberal Northeastern billionaires.

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

Carey rumored to replace Barker

Makes sense. He looks like



Bill Cullen.

Posted 8:22 PM by Gene

There'll always be a CANADA:

Canadians have never been able to create a comic book superhero of the first rank. The few they have are not fit to hold the cape of Superman. Why?... more»

(From Arts & Letters Daily's home page. And note the URL)

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

The Dow Jones quest is turning into a farce. It would not have been a farce had SLIME not been thought the FORCE of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL for being CONSERVATIVE. Had SLIME been a mere GanNETt hireling or that overgrown Tom Sawyer lookalike at the Clatch people would have Gallically shrugged their shoulders and sighed. Happily the "winner" of this farce will receive damaged goods, and an extremely big bill.

Posted 4:57 PM by Gene

Home secretary evokes Monty Python to defend Rushdie

We have not commented on Salman Rushdie's knighthood to date figuring it's the province of cheap politicos. Several pundits are saying he got it after a concerted effort by the left to prove we can live in peace and harmony and what-all. Some have other plans. That said Rushdie's getting this alleged honor (even more alleged given the speed and plenitude with which The World's Oldest Adolescent has dispensed it) for PC reasons, and clearly he doesn't deserve it because The Satanic Verses was nothing if not a provocation on the holy cockroaches, and people died as a result, though the rioting was prompted by the basest demagogues; worse, now the "civilized world" must defend the values of a man who may not have them outside of taunting people who may deserve to be taunted. That headline, with its painful double meaning, says it all.

Posted 4:56 PM by Gene

Texas Crowd Kills Man After Car Hit Girl

Mob "justice" is obviously not through yet.

Posted 4:51 PM by Gene

Bloomberg says he's no White House candidate, giggle giggle [Last two words added]

Posted 4:48 PM by Gene

With its eerie parallels to YouTube this movie "slide show" of pioneering silent shorts suggests our culture is returning to its infancy. Just one difference, though: nothing suggests the second time around that it will grow up.

Posted 12:33 PM by Gene

How surprising: rich people -- and yes, these include the dolts who run the media -- don't need ads to tell them what to buy, all the better so that rich people -- including the dolts who run the media -- can inflict more bad product on us.

Posted 10:34 AM by Gene

Ambitious WSJ staffers without principles will like Murdoch

How big is that majority?

Posted 10:31 AM by Gene

GE sees rapid Mid East growth, eyes Islamic finance

SaaaaaAAAAAaaaaay, maybe that's why Wall Street's croupiers have talked themselves into thinking GE BANCORP may hit $1 TRILLION!!!!!

Posted 10:24 AM by Gene

MORONS:

And mirroring this year's strong market for scatter inventory, many of the networks seemed to be getting high single-digit increases in CPMs. ABC, sources said, was capturing CPM increases of 10% or more above last year's upfront prices. That's despite -- and in many cases because of -- a 10% overall decline in viewership.

Here the junk-television financiers of Battle Creek just engaged in unilateral disarmament for financing too many cartoons with their sugar cereals, and others are sure to follow, and yet these idiots are burning more of OUR money on junk television than ever! One would hate to see what would happen if ratings really declined.

Posted 9:53 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: GOODTHINGS ENTERTAINMENT needs an excuse for the $200 million it's poured down another movie sinkhole, and it's found it by slathering itself promiscuously over the religious beliefs of people who hate the biz, and whose hatred we can return in spades except when greater gods are at stake.

Posted 9:45 AM by Gene

MGM MIRAGE SHARES FALL 9% AT OPEN AFTER KERKORIAN ABANDONS PROPERTY BID

Does this mean even in Vegas (a city that also has a good case of condo-itis) there's only so much money you can throw at conventioneers and chronic gamblers?

P. S at 12:26 p.m. No. Veg is the ultimate expression of the Greater Fool Theory.

Posted 9:20 AM by Gene

Mr. Stossel, that knee-jerk right-wing TV news hack in a jungle of knee-jerk left-wing news hacks, blows a gasket over the Bugmeister:

He told the grads, "The market did not reward saving the lives of these children [in poor countries], and governments did not subsidize it. So the children died because their mothers and their fathers had no power in the market and no voice in the system."

WHAT IS GATES TALKING ABOUT?

Can he name ONE poor country that permits the free market to operate?!? [Full-throttle-capitalistic overemphasis added]

Actually we'd wager lots of poor countries have capitalism, only it's called corruption.

Posted 9:17 AM by Gene

Elsewhere in that sometimes singularly annoying arts site, we learn some professional multisyllablists at something called Leeds University have done an excellent imitation of a chemical plant violating the law in the name of creating dozens of new Perfesser Thompsons.

Posted 9:12 AM by Gene

ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hires a new classical-music critic?!?!?

He doesn't like being called a philistine?!?!?

(Via ArtsJournal)

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

Phil Donahue Strikes Back

Phil who?

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

Liv Tyler 'Definitely' Wants Plastic Surgery

Wouldn't it be more news if some overpaid overexposed Hollywood blowhard didn't want plastic surgery?

Though judging from some of their faces and figures they need it.

Posted 8:22 AM by Gene

Aw come on, Zuck, we could have run a better hed: MONEYBAGS TO GOP -- DROP DEAD!

Posted 8:19 AM by Gene

Is BizWeek paying a little too much attention to the Big C's promo?

Posted 8:15 AM by Gene

Speaking of Him, The Paper of Re-CORD is siccing SLIME with a MASSIVE INVESTIGATIVE REPORT, through all 600 of its bureaus -- to discover the RESIDENT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL in Him -- because He's CONSERRRRRRRRRVATIVE!!!!!

Posted 8:12 AM by Gene

SLIME wants to trade His stake in MySpace for some Yahoo!, meaning 1. The jig is up, 2. He wants to "monetize" His worthless property before the shareholders get wise (peculiar way to do it), or 3. Between this and Dow Jones the much-vaunted MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE doesn't have the foggiest idea what He's doing.

(Via MyWay)

Posted 9:10 PM by Gene

We suggest China build a road all the way up Mt. Everest as it's become such a tourist attraction anyway. Then at least someone could clean up all the garbage left by so many expeditions.

Posted 6:36 PM by Gene

HONORARY MAYOR MIKE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AS AN "INDEPENDENT"!

Was he EVER a Republican?

How does Mike and Hole-in-the-Bagel sound? Exciting. How about the TWXSTERS' team of Mike and Ah-NULT?!? Is he willing to be vice-president?

Hey Mike! If you want to hear David "SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX" Broder praise you why not just put him on your payroll? It would be cheaper.

Posted 5:58 PM by Gene

Jim "Paper Bag" Nussle's about to become Dubya's budget boss!

Put your -- budget cuts where your mouth is!

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

Elsewhere in our favorite trade site of the broad¢a$ting trade: SLIME and the ROOTKIT Co. are starting a Web channel with (another ugly coined word) "minisodes." It won't do to dismiss this as the Reader's Digest of TV series; if shows can be presented in three-to-five-minute bites there'd seem little need for elaborate series -- and the costly commercials they help justify.

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

We couldn't care less, but some people predicted Anna Nicole's "judge" would pick up a TV show, and sure enough, he has, so maybe he can make almost as much as Anna Nicole's heirs.

Fat chance.

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

"Difficult to fathom"

Not really. Put short-circuits in buildings full of stuffed furniture (and most likely without sprinklers) and built to suburban-mall-ticky-tacky standards and it's a wonder more firemen haven't lost their lives.

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

A man who plays a fat broad in his -- upcoming next picture has his finger on the problem of school violence:

"I still think that if you analyze most of the school shootings, it is not gun control. It is [psychotropic] drugs at the bottom of it!!!!!" [Emphasis added]

And if we put those funny boxes of yours in every school that cures the problem. Sure, Edna, sure.

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

OH oh, the House Republicans tell Dubya where he can stick his amnesty.

Of course it probably isn't going anywhere with Queen Louise running the show, but then amnesty isn't going anywhere either.

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

We don't know if ROSIE's close to being the next YOU-KNOW-WHO in terms of making us peons banshee-scream through excessive "reporting", but she's getting there.

Posted 10:06 AM by Gene

Mr. Bloomberg painted a picture of politicians in Washington dithering as America runs aground. "THE COUNTRY IS IN TROUBLE!!" was his grim refrain.

AND I'M THE MAN TO...er, let me think about it. [Country-saving overemphasis added]

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

People will not stop goggle-eyeing media, will they? Now Dan Snyder, who's trying to get into the Guinness Book for the most money wasted by an NFL owner on stupid investments, is buying dick clark productions (or however they spell it) for $175 million, so he can get to produce tacky awards shows and boast to his friends. We can't see any other reason.

Well, one: he's the producing partner of the COUCH-JUMPING GOD.

Posted 8:42 AM by Gene

Serves 'em right: The hacks were so busy huffing and puffing about the Wall Street Journals Liberal Edition's IN-DE-PEN-DENCE and so busy scrounging for new suitors that now there's talk Little Jeffy and Co. might lay off workers and shut editions!

This will happen when you TELL THE TRUTH.

Posted 6:59 PM by Gene

Now -- on what mode of transportation does Barry Bonds* belong?

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

In still further news of money wasted, the Senile Chamber is throwing billions toward the formation of new services and agencies and pork projects in the name of energy efficiency.

U.S. lawmakers are keen to show that they are acting to take pressure off consumers and get tough on Big Oil.

Like the bullet getting tough with the foot.

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

"We hope that today's resolution will begin to bring the Duke family back together again, and we look forward to working with the University to develop and implement initiatives that will prevent similar injustices and ensure that the lessons of the last year are never forgotten."

At one of America's most PC schools and the second home of Dickie V, they will be.

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

In further news of money wasted, the Minnesota Vikings have acquired a voracious appetite for property, all the better to sate their even greater appetite for tax dollars.

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

Yes, LET'S negotiate with the Taliban. Let's negotiate with holy bombers and head-loppers and woman-imprisoners. That way we can engage in further negotiations for our unconditional surrender.

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

Indiana has just thrown an $875 million bone at a Chrysler supplier -- and, by extension, at the Three-Headed Dog.

It's still unclear whether the jobs will be filled by new hires or existing or laid-off Chrysler workers in Kokomo.

TRANSLATION: This is a make-work scheme. FURTHER TRANSLATION: Let's see if the Three-Headed Dog can "rationalize" this plant.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

Admission of an Internet phreak and statutory rapist:

He kept a live journal and posted pictures of himself with his long brown hair flowing loosely or pulled back in a ponytail. On one site, he described himself as a laid-back person who is easy to get along with and likes "things that are dark, gloomy and depressing."

"For whatever reason they cheer me up," he wrote on FaceTheJury.

You certainly chose one, didn't you guy.

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

If you want to know if Tony Soprano died, sign the petition

THE INTELIGENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTSIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WILL NEVER SHUT UP!

Posted 4:56 PM by Gene

Mr. Warner Bros. quits!

Or was he fired?

He's replaced by Mr. Human Rights, which means it will probably make little difference.

Posted 12:19 PM by Gene

Hey guy, just because the Dems stink doesn't make your party smell that much sweeter.

Posted 12:08 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Tom Friedman makes millions consulting in print -- pardon, colyumning -- which allows him to copy repeatedly from past colyumns, which means he never has to worry about working again.

Posted 10:46 AM by Gene

And Little Jeffy's not finished -- he may waste MILLIONS and MILLIONS on THE EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY!!!!!

Yep, this will completely squelch the spinoff talk.

(Via MediaBistro)

Posted 10:23 AM by Gene

A busy day for Romy! First, he tells us Little Jeffy's going to piddle away his shareholders' money on Dow Jones anyhow so the primadonnas can keep control! That should calm down the talk of spinoffs. Second, he tells us SOB thinks PILLHEAD's an IDIOT! This we will accept as definitive, as SOB's an idiot in his own way.

(Second link changed 8/2/2009; story taken down)

Posted 9:46 PM by Gene

I think if NASCAR and AT&T can get together and calmly realize they're in it together for the luxury boxes and the tax breaks, and to let the help have it on Mondays, this will come to a peaceable conclusion.

Posted 9:38 PM by Gene

The horrible reality is slowly dawning upon the likes of David "NON" Germain and his close friend PAUL DRECK that with the TENTPOLES' B. O. falling like flies this might not be the ALL-TIME RECORD SUMMER they'd hoped for; but such will happen when you produce GROSSES instead of MOVIES.

Posted 8:24 PM by Gene

Congress kills two birds: It helps agribusiness by pushing ethanol and the oil biz by forcing cancellations of refinery expansions!

And it helps the taxpayers by raising gas and food prices! That's a pretty good deal if you ask me!

Posted 8:22 PM by Gene

GE BANCORP has UNIONS? I thought LEGENDARY WELCH took care of those.

Posted 3:38 PM by Gene

Great news for hackers:

Chips Let PCs Get Turned on Remotely

Posted 12:48 PM by Gene

Kaplan said he's seen it once. "It's a nice little show," he said. He compared it to "a poor man's `West 57th Street,' [sic] a reference to a defunct CBS newsmagazine.

Ooooh, Danno! He insulted your show! We ought to fight back with an investigative report on Rick Kaplan! Uncover some secret memos! How 'bout it, Courage?

Posted 11:31 AM by Gene

Has anyone noticed that Nancy Drew has evidently bombed at the popcorn restaurants? This is the sort of product THE CONSPIRACY manufactures solely for politics -- to prove it's one with the pee-PUL, all the better to justify excreting torture porn. Just one problem: the audience can see through it -- that part of the audience that hasn't abandoned the movies, knowing THE CONSPIRACY will never make a good one again.

Posted 11:19 AM by Gene

So the voters want a Democrat to win -- who can blame them after Dubya hiding in the White House basement? -- but they don't want that Democrat to win. Can't blame them for that either.

Posted 10:53 AM by Gene

Enraged Fatah leaders on Saturday accused Hamas militiamen of looting the home of former Palestinian Authority chairman Yasser Arafat in Gaza City.

"They stole almost everything inside the house, including Arafat's Nobel Peace Prize medal," said Ramallah-based Fatah spokesman Ahmed Abdel Rahman. "Hamas militiamen and gangsters blew up the main entrance to the house before storming it. They stole many of Arafat's documents and files, gifts he had received from world leaders and even his military outfits." [Emphasis added]

Sniff, sniff.

(Via Spectator.org)

Posted 10:43 AM by Gene

Speaking of St. Warren, we resent stories like this because the hacks are trying to TELL US SOMETHING, in boldface, caps and italics. What they are trying to TELL US is that women should be the fathers and men should be the mothers. Such occasional scribbling vaguely smells of feminist man-hatred and a certain gloating, and it's often anecdotal. That it appears on FATHER'S DAY definitely TELLS US SOMETHING. In short, it's scribbling with an agenda, and news hacks have boasted of their superiority to their retarded readers often enough. Such condescension is further offensive because its whole point is to try to turn a minor into a major, and screw us up. How many stories have celebrated graffiti? And vagrants? And tattooing? And now they're everywhere, and normal. Sorry St. Warren, this is one reason the news isn't worth paying for anymore, for all we get is the same old recyclables.

Posted 10:41 AM by Gene

Little Jon has some splainin' to do: He puts the Gaza woes on our front page -- and plugs a movie in two of his foreign editions? Isn't it usually the other way around?

I guess Gaza doesn't "matter" in Asia and Latin America, right Little Jon?

P. S. The film is apparently uber-PC, and we suspect that and the humanitarian's bad PR may have cost it the cover in the U. S.

P. P. S.

The film is based on the best-selling book of these events, written by Mariane and former NEWSWEEK editor Sarah Crichton.

Ohhhhhhhh, the fact it's based on a property written by someone who works for a rag with CAPITALS makes the difference. TRANSLATION: This is logrolling for synergy. A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to SEAN!

Posted 5:39 PM by Gene

Nifong says he will surrender law license

Six of one....

Posted 4:25 PM by Gene

Seligboxing!

Or: Swing and a miss, you're out!

Posted 2:36 PM by Gene

Another pressing question stumps the panel at Slashdot:

Ask Slashdot: Are Keyboards Dishwasher Safe?

Posted 2:32 PM by Gene

SURPRISE:

Breaking News 2:32 PM ET: District Attorney in Duke Rape Case Violated Professional Conduct Rules, Panel Says (nytimes.com home page)

Posted 2:15 PM by Gene

Just discovered in the booklet art of a double-album called Julie/Love on the Rocks, which I just got:

"JULIE" was recorded in the Liberty Studios in Hollywood, California, which is the WORLD'S ONLY TRANSISTORIZED RECORDING STUDIO. [sic]

If anyone found out today it would be in ruins.

Posted 1:48 PM by Gene

Posted in full from KansasCity.com:

Funkhouser launches weblog

Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser has launched his official weblog at www.funksfrontporch.com.

The site will allow the public to watch how government works and to post comments. It will include the mayor’s own commentary, highlights from his daily schedule, and entries by his daughter and others working in the office.

| Lynn Horsley, lhorsley@kcstar.com

I hate competition, don't you?

Posted 1:44 PM by Gene

Authorities have freed another 80 slave laborers who were starved, beaten and forced to work 14 hours or more per day at brick kilns and small mines in central China, state media said Saturday....

The newly freed workers bring the total of slave laborers rescued in the past month to 548, the official Xinhua News Agency said.

Which is what percent of Wal-Mart's work force?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Posted 1:42 PM by Gene

Bush urges Hispanics to speak up

Please, pretty please, I'm giving millions of you amnesty -- I can't say that, but believe me it's true -- so next time at the polls, vote Republican! Please, pretty pretty please!

Posted 1:34 PM by Gene

How did tattoos (and the disease that goes along with them) become such a chucklechucklechuckle hardyharHAR act in society?

Yes, I definitely want to see those babes with lower-back tattoos baring their midriffs at 50.

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

Ethnic Indian fans wrecked cinemas in several Malaysian cities after a nationwide premiere of a long-awaited Tamil film was delayed or canceled due to technical glitches, news reports and a theater employee said Saturday.

In America they'd just replay the commercials and no one would notice.

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

The good news: THE NOSE is creating a small "economic boom" for Noo Yawk's musicians. The bad news: The musicians don't make enough to afford her tickets.

Posted 9:18 AM by Gene

Moral outrage in the entertainment capitol of the universe:

“What's up with those women in Hollywood who try giving women a bad name? The ones who think it's okay to drink and drive, and they don't wear underwear? I understand burning your bra, but it is NOT okay not to wear underpants!”

Needless to say, she got massive applause.

First off Diane, I suspect YOUR biz started the trend; and second, let's see how many grossout comedies YOUR biz disgorges with panty-less heroines.

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

The Iranians, whom Dubya suddenly decided were no longer part of an axis of evil and with whom we can now negotiate, are cracking down on dissent -- and The Paper or Re-CORD South put the news on Page A10, presumably so as not to embarrass anyone.

Posted 3:59 PM by Gene

Michael Moore's new documentary "Sicko" has been pirated and is now widely available for download on peer-to-peer content sites like www.thepiratebay.org.

Well look at it this way Mike, it's not the money, it's the message. Right?

Pffffffffffffffffffffffffft!

Posted 3:53 PM by Gene

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger told a gathering of Hispanic journalists that immigrants should avoid Spanish-language media if they want to learn English quickly.

"You've got to turn off the Spanish television set" and avoid Spanish-language television, books and newspapers, the Republican governor said Wednesday night at the annual convention of the National Association of Hispanic Journalists.

"You're just forced to speak English, and that just makes you learn the language faster," Schwarzenegger said.

1. He should talk; he speaks English in German. 2. We thought he COULDN'T run for president!

Posted 3:43 PM by Gene

Our favorite PR man Rog lets us in on something, though it means mentioning THE WORLD'S GREATEST WORK OF ART one last time:

For years, Tony Bennett refused to allow his songs in “The Sopranos.” Did you know that? Tony’s manager son Danny Bennett tells me that every season, David Chase’s office would call to ask permission for a Bennett recording.

“And we always turned them down,” Danny says. “My dad felt that the show was demeaning to Italians.”

Though the reason sounds a little corny we still shake Tony Bennett's hand, if only figuratively. That guy always did have taste.

Posted 3:02 PM by Gene

ONLY 1,295 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT UNTIL A MASSIVE TAX INCREASE HITS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!! [Wealth-destroying overemphasis added]

TRANSLATION: Only 1,295 shopping days left until all those rich folk we con-SER-va-tives put on a pedestal might pay slightly more in taxes -- and with their help in Washington the non-rich will gladly pick up their tab. Shut up, Factor.

Posted 2:33 PM by Gene

The Second Coming of Christ posthumously recalls a "rare defeat" -- His "death" and funeral:

"To me, the whole enterprise was a sad piece of business....The only good news was that I was damn glad it was over. It was a bitch."

OOOH, Second Coming uttered two naughty words! Rate Him PG-13: Pretty Ghastly with a 13 IQ.

No. 3,372 at Amazon.com, with hearty condolences from two close friends. No. 12,085 at Barnes & Noble. Hit the road, Jack!

P. S. Two posthumous blurbs:

It's true that Valenti became something of a national joke when he publicly declared that he slept a little better every night knowing LBJ was in the White House, but, hey, that was Jack....Yes, he tossed out the old, absurdly onerous previous system of movie censorship, replacing it with the ostensibly more democratic ratings board. But he does not acknowledge the deviousness of the way in which that board works or how in practice — as opposed to defensible theory — it works to keep American moviegoing in a state of permanently arrested adolescence.

--DICK SCHICK

To paraphrase Shakespeare (a Valenti idol), there's too much blather signifying nothing.

--Tim Purtell, EW!!!!!

Idol? Friend!

Posted 2:26 PM by Gene

Our League of Nations Statesmen of the Week!

Will the locals notice any difference?

Posted 2:22 PM by Gene

Billions of dollars for Mr. Fix-It in orbit!

And they're doing the same repair work they could do down here on terra firma -- heck they could've called the Geek Squad. Jeez.

Posted 10:17 AM by Gene

The Soprano-fication of Gaza

What the mob drama and the troubled region have in common.

They're both masterpieces?

Pfffffffffffffffffffffft!!!!!

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

Honorary Mayor Mike may be the first president with TWO press secretaries.

The only battle would be who can toady more.

Posted 8:50 AM by Gene

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben Stein's Money - Thursday, June 14, 2007 @ 11:05:46 PM

It's going into the campaign coffers of Al Franken.

Posted By: David Hogberg

A man to the left of ST. DICK OF NIXON?!?!? SAY IT AIN'T SO, BEN!!!!!

Five years from now he'll be writing for Media Matters and The Nation.

P. S. at 6:07 p.m. We shall now call him Ben Frankenstein.

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

Jo-NAH thinks he can counter write-by-numbers hero worship with write-by-numbers con-SER-va-tive colyumning. Just as a TWXSTER (and how many Grunwalds are there there?) must adore men who will STOP global warming and fight trans fats, and whom we further love because they're Republicans just like us, so Jo-NAH must thrust and parry with, "The false advertising here is the never-ending story of elite journalism’s bias toward 'heroes' who expand government (which is why FDR remains the greatest hero in American history to so many Washington scribes)." We answer one non-thought with another. But then we first heard of Jo-NAH when a man who's probably entered a Mickey D's three times in his life wrote a gushing column about it, and he's had plenty of time since to practice his nonthink.

A PLAGUE O' BOTH YOUR HOUSES!

Posted 8:38 AM by Gene

Rather's comments tarnishing his legacy [Home-page hed]

Only little Jonny Hairshirt would believe Dan Blather has a legacy to tarnish.

When is Jonny getting his big fat raise and as much overexposure as Perfesser Thompson?

Posted 8:31 AM by Gene

Before we forget, congrats to the San Antonio Spurszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

We can only hope for more such championships, so that every professional sport has its own Stanley Cup.

Posted 8:28 AM by Gene

I want the idiots who believe our prosperity is the sum total of our happiness to tell me something hasn't snapped in us when we regularly read of domestic massacres like this.