Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED: I know more than you. I make lots more money than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexier than you. I appear on TV all the time. I work ten minutes a day. I rule the universe. I'm going to live forever. You are an idiot. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2: A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3: I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity. --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4: News isn't news when we don't report it. PERMALINKS: THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE! Blogroll Me! |
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Posted
10:02 PM
by Gene
Will we EVER be rid of Him? Or is He plotting His comeback?
Posted
9:24 PM
by Gene
We would like to think corporate hubris has reached a point of no returns, but somebody looking to waste his company's money for six weeks of vanity and morale sapping will come to Little Jeffy's rescue, as somebody always does. MEANTIME: ![]() Those are mighty expensive doughnuts you've baked, Jeffy!
Posted
9:17 PM
by Gene
But given that what the Daily Mirror knows and doesn't know about the document -- its reporters have never actually seen a copy.... The nice thing about the new news order is that it allows all sorts of news hacks with all sorts of axes to engage in all kinds of grinding.
Posted
6:12 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:09 PM
by Gene
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5:44 PM
by Gene
And Congresspoop, your verbal breaking of wind is the moral equivalent of Duke's grabbing of CASH.
Posted
5:40 PM
by Gene
Oooooooooooooooh, I'm SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARED, STERNO!
Posted
5:33 PM
by Gene
Who'da thunk? Slashdot's dweebs should stick to GETTING A LIFE!!!!! Assuming they haven't been drugged and blinded from all those videogames trying to FIND one.
Posted
5:23 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:08 PM
by Gene
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:00 PM
by Gene
Since the word "license" appears twenty times in this story we gather this is a rewrite of a press release, or done under very close supervision. A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK award to Ken!
Posted
2:16 PM
by Gene
Good news for celebrities, criminals and terrorists.
Posted
1:56 PM
by Gene
"To do this, judges must engage in a continual process of self-questioning about the way in which they are performing the responsibilities of their offices," he continued. Now if only others of our SUPERIORS would engage in continual self-questioning -- but they're our SUPERIORS so they don't need to.
Posted
1:51 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:46 PM
by Gene
• Researchers convert chicken fat to fuel • Julia Roberts tops highest-paid actresses list Yep, I see why Yahoo's the future!
Posted
12:08 PM
by Gene
• Brushing, flossing may be key to cardio health • Julia Roberts tops highest-paid actresses list
Posted
12:04 PM
by Gene
Here's one way to write a wrong: People caught urinating in public in Fond du Lac, Wisc., are now being sentenced to compose letters of apology that are published in the local newspaper with their names attached. We suspect most of them can't write.
Posted
11:52 AM
by Gene
![]() Excellent news: Robert "Over the" Hilburn, the guy who's been glazing eyes over for a hundred years with his pop-cult toadying, is taking a buyout from Trib! Now if they know what they're doing at the LALATimes, they'll get somebody WORSE! (IF that's possible.)
Posted
11:06 AM
by Gene
Now he'll have to wait till January to go o'play with himself.
Posted
9:52 AM
by Gene
And three and four and five and.... The 11-year-old girl's family has demanded $5,000 in compensation from Glitter, according to police and Glitter's attorney, Le Thanh Kinh. $5,000 when you could have the RIGHTS?
Posted
9:34 AM
by Gene
Yep, I think John UPdike will win the Tom Wolfe Ironic Memorial Bad Sex in Literature Award before he wins the NOBEL PRIZE.
Posted
9:26 AM
by Gene
It hasn't even brought in the maids, janitors and bellhops needed for the 21ST-CENTURY ECONOMY.
Posted
9:20 AM
by Gene
Of course, there's a problem for some con-SER-va-tives: Had Cunningham waded more circumspectly into the cesspool, he might have come up as clean as his colleagues with his yacht and commode. TRANSLATION: He could have gotten away with it -- if he'd been SMARTER.
Posted
9:17 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:25 AM
by Gene
And all the news hacks feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! UB! Time to sign THE EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY!!!!!
Posted
6:47 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:43 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:32 AM
by Gene
Go for it! MAKE MOVIES! Shave some points from your stock price!
Posted
6:27 AM
by Gene
Maybe he heard Dave Marash will be there. “But remember: Qatar is sitting on the third-largest reserve of natural gas.” It would seem that way. Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Posted
8:09 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:50 PM
by Gene
Who cares? We're MARKETING!
Posted
6:46 PM
by Gene
Who'd have thought?
Posted
6:36 PM
by Gene
The makers of denture adhesives and incontinence aids salute you, Brian.
Posted
5:12 PM
by Gene
MARK EDWARDS WARNER's RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!
Posted
4:31 PM
by Gene
Why are we not surprised?
Posted
4:20 PM
by Gene
Does it ever occur to anybody that even some stupid teens may not like show-biz? “Relying on celebrity spokespersons should be the course of last resort, said Robert Passikoff, the president of Brand Keys, a New York market-research company. They allegedly paid Sarah Jessica Horseyface $38 million over three years. Wouldn't it have gotten more publicity to hold a money-burning ceremony? “They’ve lost their cool and don’t stand for anything anymore,” said Wendy Liebmann, president of WSL Strategic Retail. Mr. Passikoff added: “The Gap is now a category placeholder....” That might describe everybody in retailing these days.
Posted
4:14 PM
by Gene
Jack Valenti, longtime head of the Motion Picture Association of America who announced his retirement in July, suggested the TV industry’s ratings system, which he helped develop, had gotten too complicated, making it difficult to understand. But wasn't that the point of YOUR system, DR. EVIL -- to CONFUSE PEOPLE? OR: “My impression is the cable industry is compliant in promoting sexually explicit content and pornography in the home,” said Sen. Mark Pryor, D-Ark. “What you are doing may be legal, but it may not be best for the country and it may not be right.”
Posted
1:47 PM
by Gene
Hasn't someone already done Plan 9 from Outer Space? Okay, we'll take YOUR WORD for it; Rog is a "GOOD GUY." But why can't he be a GOOD WRITER? “How do you work for a company that makes movies and be on their payroll and be a critic and a journalist? How do you write about and criticize that company’s movies? And that of its competitors? How can you say for sure whether you would have said something the same way?” With NEWS HACKS, ANYTHING'S possible.
Posted
1:41 PM
by Gene
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Google shares "are likely to be increasingly sentiment driven; Google is starting to attract more negative publicity as it has become incredibly dominant online and has started to encroach on other companies' businesses," Fine wrote. ![]() TRANSLATION: That 800-pound gorilla ain't warm and fuzzy anymore.
Posted
1:31 PM
by Gene
That is EXACTLY as it should be.
Posted
1:25 PM
by Gene
I would bet Trib exaggerates this debate here as the company's in TV in a big way, thought. You cannot trust news hacks because of their constant synergy.
Posted
1:22 PM
by Gene
Monday, November 28, 2005
Posted
5:52 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:38 PM
by Gene
And how many thousands of times must we read stories about the real-world cost of the gifts in "The Twelve Days of Christmas"? I HATE NEWS HACKS!
Posted
5:26 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:09 PM
by Gene
I don't have a clue. I know one thing: at times like these Little Malcolm's empire assumes a smell that crosses an industrial accident and a corrupt politican.
Posted
3:52 PM
by Gene
FREEDOM AND THE BLOGOSPHERE [Kathryn Jean Lopez] "Weblogs are one weapon that even the Islamic Republic cannot beat." Posted at 12:51 PM Duhhhh, you don't suppose some Islamists might not be blogging, do you?
Posted
3:20 PM
by Gene
Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!!!!!
Posted
1:52 PM
by Gene
How many more CONVICTIONS and GUILTY PLEAS where THAT came from? And this guy runs (ran) "the House Intelligence subcommittee on terrorism and human intelligence." Smart thinking, DUKE! P. S. Are Curley's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges trying to update the dictionary with a new spelling -- "anti-ques"? P. P. S. Well, at least he's taking it like a man. But if he hadn't taken the bribes he wouldn't have had to take it like a man.
Posted
11:32 AM
by Gene
Anyway, most people now say they get their "news" from the Internet and TV. That's why everyone is so smart and so well-informed about the world around them. If there were no stodgy newspapers to set the agenda with boring stuff like government, world news, politics and finance, TV news would be free to give viewers what they want - more weather, cute animal videos, traffic accidents, house fires and "special reports" on the dangers (or promise) of cosmetic surgery. The dilemma: While people get their news from the Internet, the Internet gets its news from newspapers. Without newspapers, who provides the content? Bloggers! Blogs are an excellent source of "news," much of it overheard and passed along by the blogger's girl friend. If she's sick, the blogger can make something up. No editors or accountability gum up the works. When you tire of the "news" (in a minute or two), you are just a mouse click away from porn. Newspapers can't touch that. 1. If your employer and its friends had charged for news most likely you'd have been overwhelmed by free Web news anyway. We may add, Stu, that the Internet is not entirely responsible for weasel words, slants, plagiarisms, and other such heroics that have led newspapers to resort to creative counting and Lucky Bucks. 2. Why are you in such a wad about TV news? Newspaper chains own TV stations. KnightRidder owned TV stations. The Daly Nooz was once run by THE AMBASSADOR, the founder of TV Guide and Dick Clark, and the godfather of IF IT BLEEDS, IT LEADS. Seems to me your biz has had a lot of RESPONSIBILITY for it. 3. Happily the news biz has its own accountability through -- what? Shareholder revolts?
Posted
11:14 AM
by Gene
Is it just that outfit?
Posted
11:12 AM
by Gene
He died in 1986.
Posted
10:19 AM
by Gene
When do the hacks fawn over this Fidel?
Posted
10:08 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:56 AM
by Gene
I know, Eddie -- let's give aid to RESTAURANTS -- and build more SLOT PARLORS!
Posted
8:13 AM
by Gene
News websites have come to resemble evening newspapers And what happened to evening newspapers?
Posted
6:50 AM
by Gene
For his devotion to the grungy job, he earned the gratitude of victims' families, the respect of his peers, a nomination as the federal employee of the year -- and a 10-day suspension and letter of reprimand from his superiors. The reprimand bars him from a major part of his job -- collecting evidence for use in court. With the FUMBLERS, BUMBLERS and INCOMPETENTS, no good deed goes unpunished.
Posted
6:46 AM
by Gene
About 82 percent of this year's murder victims were black, according to police statistics, and the majority were young men under 30. Hey but you know they don't live in CENTER CITY with all the hip people and all the hot places like all the hundreds of new restaurants a city needs to grow itself into the 21ST-CENTURY ECONOMY!
Posted
6:29 AM
by Gene
WHY THE @#$%&* DIDN'T WE PUT THE @#$%&* PLUG FOR THAT @#$%&* MOVIE ON THE @#$%&* COVER????? WHO THE @#$%&* TALKED ME INTO @#$%&* PUTTING THAT @#$%&* ANOREXIA STORY THERE WHEN WE @#$%&* COULD HAVE SOLD SOME @#$%&* COPIES?????????? OR: [I]t's a sure bet that by the time these films open, you'll already be sick of them.
Posted
6:28 AM
by Gene
New Yorker reporter Seymour Hersh.... Six of one.... Sunday, November 27, 2005
Posted
8:12 PM
by Gene
Hey, it also calls him a moderate, so there.
Posted
7:53 PM
by Gene
The good news: its recalls are going up. The weird news: its market cap's only 1.5 times G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE's.
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
In college we used to tease Bruuuuuuuuuuuce fans by playing his LPs at 45 rpm. They'd always come up and say "hey, isn't that the Boss? Why are you playing him at the wrong speed?" We'd respond, "two reasons: first, you can understand the lyrics better, second, the songs get over quicker". We learned that some people just don't have a sense of humor. Which made it all the more amusing.
Posted
3:38 PM
by Gene
Early winter brings chaos to Europe (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Does it take much these days to bring chaos to Europe?
Posted
3:21 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:10 PM
by Gene
OR: HEAVY PURCHASES OF DIGITAL CAMERAS, TOYS, CLOTHES AND MORE IGNITED THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON OVER THE WEEKEND AND BOLSTERED PROJECTIONS FOR IT TO BE THE BEST IN FIVE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, that was TWO YEARS AGO.
Posted
3:00 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:30 PM
by Gene
Posted
11:18 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:47 AM
by Gene
P. S. All the 1939 GENIUS could not get the BEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOO to rise.
Posted
10:41 AM
by Gene
You kidding? Us wimps?
Posted
10:30 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:19 AM
by Gene
Strategically, however, any U.S. withdrawal would have to be conducted "from a position of strength," says Bruce Hoffman, a terrorism expert at Rand. Al-Qaeda has always believed Americans lack patience and stamina when "the going gets rough," Hoffman says. "If the U.S. is seen as being stampeded out of the violence in Iraq, that will only be waving a red flag at the terrorists." Who is to say, for all the setbacks the holy cockroaches have endured, that their approach isn't still a shrewd one? That a nation whose hacks scream at the mere sight of blood from any new battlefield casualty, a nation that produces St. Cindy and other such JOOOOOOO haters, a nation that cannot stop producing [C]RAPPERS and GET-A-LIFE!RS and PC academics and Enronning PC businessmen, a nation full of whiners and moaners, a nation that searches out the first hole in the ground at the slightest threat of disaster real or imagined, who is to say the holy cockroaches don't have the right idea?
Posted
10:16 AM
by Gene
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Posted
5:04 PM
by Gene
Duuuh duuuh duuuh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh duh -- HEY!!!!! "I hate the name Gary Glitter." We're not too crazy for it either. Count on some prospective mass-resume-mailing scribbler to call Mr. Humbert's fall "tragic." Actually, black comedy's more like it.
Posted
4:50 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:05 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:01 PM
by Gene
We're getting there.
Posted
3:44 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:18 PM
by Gene
Hey if I got YOUR residuals thanks to all those GET-A-LIFE! types cross-dressing as nuns I wouldn't tire of it either.
Posted
2:13 PM
by Gene
U.S. GIs to Help Rescue Ethiopia Cheetahs P. S. Mind you, this story of the mistreatment of these animals is hideous; but amazing how news hacks would step in for animals and discover all sorts of scruples to helping PEOPLE.
Posted
2:00 PM
by Gene
A 17-year-old likely will face misdemeanor charges after allegedly losing control of his car while text messaging and hitting a bicyclist. The bicyclist, Jim R. Price of Highlands Ranch, died Friday, two days after the accident. We suspect we will hear the day when someone causes an accident while using a LAPTOP, assuming that day hasn't arrived.
Posted
1:52 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:50 PM
by Gene
Who says hospitals aren't caring?
Posted
1:24 PM
by Gene
You trying to draw ads too? And still more fuming on the retail front: Speaking of semantic insanity: the day they crucified Christ we call "Good Friday." The day the retailers enrich themselves we call "Black Friday." This looks like a job for -- DOW 36,000!!!!!
Posted
1:14 PM
by Gene
Posted
11:35 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:25 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:18 AM
by Gene
6,200: Number of cannolis (left) [SIC] sold between 6 and 11:30 a.m. at Termini Bros. Bakery's Philadelphia and New Jersey shops. 1,728: Packs of holiday ornaments sold at Ikea's Philadelphia store from 9 a.m. to noon. 600,000: Number of lighted lawn deer (such as the one above) [SIC] sold this season by Philadelphia's Brite Star Manufacturing Co. 42: Number of children in line to see Santa at 10:45 a.m. at the King of Prussia mall. 200: Number of shoppers who saw the 10 a.m. light show at Lord & Taylor in Center City. 8,600: Number of shoppers at Willow Grove Park mall from 6 to 11 a.m. Among the busiest stores: Macy's, Sears, Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle Outfitters and Foot Locker. 5: Number of minutes it took to find a parking place at 9:12 a.m. at King of Prussia. 200: Number of steps from that parking space to the Lord & Taylor entrance. 2,700: Number of people in line at Best Buy's Mount Laurel store at 4 a.m., waiting for the 5 a.m. opening. $21,000: Price of the most expensive item sold by 12:15 p.m at Tiffany & Co. on Walnut Street, a 1.75-carat diamond engagement ring for a 10-year wedding anniversary gift. 94: Number of people sipping tea at Center City's Four Seasons during Teatime in Wonderland, from 3 to 4:30 p.m. $3,000: Amount Peggy Kelly of Cinnaminson plans to spend on Christmas gifts this year (up from $2,000 last year). 403: Number of hours Cherry Hill Mall will be open from Black Friday through Christmas Eve. 54: Number of extra people working at Boscov's at Plymouth Meeting Mall. 155,000: Number of items sold on QVC from 12:01 a.m. Thursday to noon Friday. Most popular item: plastic "puzzle boxes" that hold gift cards. 14: Number of river rocks painted with inspirational words such as love and peace that sold from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. at Ten Thousand Villages in Chestnut Hill. 22: Temperature at 3:25 a.m. yesterday as shoppers awaited the 5 a.m. opening of the Wal-Mart in Lumberton. Why report the news when you can engage your readers in a game of Trivial Pursuit? P. S. Judging from this story we can assume most downtowns were empty yesterday.
Posted
11:13 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:05 AM
by Gene
Iraqis of all sects want to live in a stable country. Iraq's neighbors don't want a civil war next door. The major powers don't want a terrorist haven in the heart of the Middle East. The American people want us to succeed. Fine, Joe. What do you and your fellow candidates plan to do about it?
Posted
10:59 AM
by Gene
"He kept the peace during the Cold War," said Dan Holt, director of the Eisenhower Presidential Library and Museum in Abilene. "Most people don't understand how difficult that was in the 1950s." The Republican remained popular throughout his presidency, but when he left office, historians dismissed him as timid and indecisive.... As witness Hungary, where his timid indecisiveness kept the peace. "Ike had a management philosophy that if you take sides on major issues publicly, you polarize both those who support you and those who are against you, so he tried to stay in the middle," Holt said. Hmmm, sounds like he'd endorse abortions. Way to go Ike! The four-acre site stands in front of the Department of Education, which Eisenhower established as part of a Cabinet-level agency in 1953.... His memorial will be about four blocks from Grant's, and James A. Garfield's. Friday, November 25, 2005
Posted
6:29 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:14 PM
by Gene
Boy, and if the locals haven't taken HIS cues: the temporary relocation of New Orleans's attitude boys will yield "$50 million to $150 million"!!!!! Yep, ten years after the bombing, it's safe to daydream in OKC again. The city's downtown turnaround is considered a model among other cities experiencing similar rebirths, including Little Rock, Ark., Nashville, Tenn. and Memphis, Tenn., said Christopher B. Leinberger, a Brookings Institution fellow who has helped transform more than 20 downtowns. [That's a LOT of transforming! WOW!!!!!] But Oklahoma City is only "halfway there," he said. The crux of downtown redevelopment is returning people there to live. Who needs people when you have sports teams and a convention center!!!!!
Posted
1:57 PM
by Gene
Of course we know what THE LORD GOD PINCH would have done: he'd have dwelt upon the accident to the exclusion of everything else.
Posted
1:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:05 PM
by Gene
![]() We must confess we doubt we ever heard of George Best until this week. We will take Tony's word for it when he says he was the greatest soc -- football player ever, and George's word for it when he said Pele acclaimed him the best; that said we suspect the man lives on from his prime in but a few scratchy film clips, which the British telly have no doubt been running ad nauseum; certainly the name must cause people here to scratch their heads, the same sort of puzzlement American soc -- football provokes in England. (Our guess is they're going through a period of media-state mourning like what we'll have when William Shakespeare Dylan goes.) Everybody seems to be saying what a jolly good guy he was, and with that rakish look and those meaty thighs we have no doubt he was quite the comforter with the ladies, although we also get the impression he was not, er, reliable, and we have known people like that, and didn't consider them jolly good guys; moreover he seems to have spent his last thirty years on a bender, and worse (sorry for being JUDGMENTAL here), he kept on drinking even after he got a liver transplant, which may have found someone more innocent better use. Obits like this underline why this age is destined to oblivion; it lives on in highlight reels and you-had-to-be-there. (RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s obit unintentionally proves this by calling him a "GENIUS.") Oh well, let's raise a toast or three to George, who at least seems to have loved life, something most of us never manage.
Posted
10:33 AM
by Gene
![]() And pray tell how many times have the Marx Brothers been imitated on the stage since 1928?
Posted
10:28 AM
by Gene
Does that mean we can expect more LEAKS? "Jack Murtha is great friend of mine," Powell declared. Who edits NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
Posted
10:15 AM
by Gene
"All our resources and capacities are at your disposal," said Antonio Guterres in the Pakistani capital, Islamabad, addressing a press conference. I am sure the Pakistanis are eternally grateful.
Posted
10:07 AM
by Gene
Perhaps the nations that tell us to mind our own environmental business should tend to their own first.
Posted
10:02 AM
by Gene
"Stalin especially respected Kim Il Sung," our guide explains. The feeling, I am sure, was mutual.
Posted
9:53 AM
by Gene
It is a little beyond belief, perhaps -- they need steroids to be GOONS?
Posted
9:51 AM
by Gene
There are two primary reasons why studios won't show critics a movie in advance: Either they know they have a flop on their hands, or the project has so many complicated and extraordinary special effects that it simply couldn't be readied in time to screen before opening day. There are no special effects in "In the Mix."
Posted
9:45 AM
by Gene
Cheer up NEUHARTHS: the SUPER BOWL is only about two months away, and you'll be able to regale us then with all your HOT ADS.
Posted
9:39 AM
by Gene
Again, a news hack reminds us of THE MASTER: The subject having been introduced by Dr. Fordyce, Dr. Blair, relying on the internal evidence of their antiquity, asked Dr. Johnson whether he thought any man of a modern age could have written such poems? Johnson replied, ‘Yes, Sir, many men, many women, and many children.’ Thursday, November 24, 2005
Posted
9:05 PM
by Gene
I don't know the answer, but here's betting it's not flattering to SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS.
Posted
5:53 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:37 PM
by Gene
Oddly enough he places the onus for much of the talk in ROMYLAND about how greed is killing the truth-telling biz on the ANCHORS, the former Big Four having earned by our guess a combined $30 MILLION PLUS, which would surely be more than enough to investigate the PERFIDY of REPUBLICANS many times over.
Posted
5:30 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:27 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:19 PM
by Gene
We've said before we don't like states like Texas that will execute you for stealing a pack of gum. We've also said before people of the Charles Manson-John Wayne Gacy-Jeffrey Dahmer ilk deserve execution. What scrunges us up is, as always, the ideolgical pretzel of liberalism -- the idea that abortion and euthanasia are okay but killing even mass murderers isn't. News hacks may deny their deep thinking has anything to do with their sky-high reps, but it might.
Posted
2:28 PM
by Gene
Free speech for insurgents! Er... Let our agents go! Er... Your terrorism is OUR FREEDOM FIGHTING! Er... MOSSAD DID IT! ER....
Posted
11:37 AM
by Gene
Don't we have enough news already?
Posted
11:24 AM
by Gene
Have a nice detention! Interesting: the three ads from G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE next to this story were for porn filters. Can guys like Humbert Humbert be filtered?
Posted
10:34 AM
by Gene
The cross-pollination of jazz and hip-hop is often explicit, with hip-hop elements in plain view: turntables, samplers or laptops, and maybe even an MC on the mic. Some of the most forward-thinking instrumentalists, such as the trumpeters Wallace Roney, Dave Douglas, Russell Gunn, and Graham Haynes, or the pianists Andy Milne, Omar Sosa, Matthew Shipp, and Jason Lindner, have done substantial work along these lines. Yes, very substantial. I'm sure we've all heard of Wallace Roney, Dave Douglas, Russell Gunn, Graham Haynes, Andy Milne (any relation to A. A.?), Omar Sosa, Matthew Shipp, and Jason Lindner. This is like those cast listings in Playbill.com's blurbs, the names interchangeable one for another. Yes, "jazz" is BURSTING with GENIUS! Jake, this guy MUST substitute for Logorrhea!
Posted
10:24 AM
by Gene
Ephemeral? What does that word mean?
Posted
9:58 AM
by Gene
He makes the process well nigh impossible with sentences like these: Ours is a new age, and a different one. We can hope that responsibility, decency and common sense eventually will win out, but it's hard to spot any positive trends. Those EEEEEEEEEEEVIL Republicans are to blame. We know, we know. But when you kiss up to your sources isn't that another kind of bad?
Posted
9:54 AM
by Gene
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Posted
8:04 PM
by Gene
FRAUDS.
Posted
7:38 PM
by Gene
Owens' suspension will be reduced Newsday, NY - 10 hours ago BY BOB GLAUBER. An arbitrator is expected to rule later today that Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens' suspension will be reduced ... So click on the link and what do you find? The page you requested was not found. ROG! PROFESSOR! SAM LITTLE! The LEAST we can do is top MMMMMMMMMMSSSSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMM on THIS score too! Isn't that why the Lord God created you through a VIRGIN BIRTH?
Posted
7:26 PM
by Gene
Holy Harry! Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire grosses a record (for its franchise) 101.4 million dollars for its opening weekend. That's the fourth best three-day opening ever. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We couldn't have learned THAT without a SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGER! Such FACTUAL ANALYSIS! Such BRILLIANT WRITING! Such PROFITS from our IPO! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
6:43 PM
by Gene
WHY are we thinking he'll hook it up to an E-METER?
Posted
6:23 PM
by Gene
And FINALLY I figured out how to link to a Cute Little Pink Paper piece! And to quote, and we could quote the whole thing: We learned that the number of new cases being reported in gay and bisexual men is up 8 percent from 2003 to 2004. We learned that in these 33 states, 68,434 gay and bisexual men tested positive between 2001 and 2004. Each year of the last four years, on average, across those 33 states, 39,313 people have been informed that they are positive. Yep, looks like we BOTH did a LOT of good! PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!! P. S. Do you think ROOTKIT has applied DRM technology to this new classic to render it invisible to its audience? P. P. S. DRUNKEN IMUS'S HERO DR. EVIL continues to protect America's children: The word “f---,” as I recall, is spoken exactly once in the film. (Dashes mine, for which I do not apologize.) Because two "f---s" are the EQUIVALENT OF 500 HEAD LOPPINGS!
Posted
6:15 PM
by Gene
Yes, I've noticed you seem to be running your blogging service better, but that doesn't make me any less annoyed at you. It didn't help that my home computer briefly went on the fritz, so I couldn't post -- a stop-error problem, the result of my hard drive seizing up when I logged on, and solved because I had a Windows XP Home Edition upgrade disc, which I used to summon its Recovery Console, but not before calling IBM for a new hard drive (which I will return). And I finally learned about CHKDSK! Maybe Bugmeister Bill isn't THAT bad.
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6:13 PM
by Gene
And eBay works EVERY TIME: Despite shortages and strong demand from gamers willing to pay top dollar for the latest technology, however, some sellers were apparently asking too much. Many of the 31,000 eBay auctions listed were unsuccessful, possibly because of overpricing. One Xbox 360 premium console was listed with a starting bid of $1,200 and a "Buy It Now" price of $2,500. That auction expired on Wednesday without attracting an offer.
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6:08 PM
by Gene
You mean the movie biz is making video games WORSE THAN MOVIES?
Posted
6:00 PM
by Gene
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5:53 PM
by Gene
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10:20 AM
by Gene
Cheney to Headline DeLay Fundraiser
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9:53 AM
by Gene
That's because your @#$%&* INDUSTRY still thinks WE'RE DOGS!
Posted
9:29 AM
by Gene
Just what we need, a fight between Logorrhea and A. O. to see who can be the worse writer. This will be a BATTLE TO THE DEATH! "I am WILD about David's film criticism and couldn't he happier that he's agreed to join our magazine," said Moss. "And I'm equally excited about David's ability to put his talents to work on our website, nymag.com. As we re-launch and grow this important piece of the company, David will be a critical player in the expansion of our online cultural authority." [Overemphasis added.] Which language is this? English or Bull?
Posted
9:14 AM
by Gene
"If you don't," he said, "I promise you the network will just put another comedy show in this time slot. Then you'll be sorry." He WILL never forget. Suggestion to UB Iger: Put a comedy show in the slot and make Lord Koppel MAD!
Posted
9:04 AM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: The latest fight we NEWS HACKS win -- and WE have CLINT!
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8:34 AM
by Gene
Be careful what you wish for....
Posted
8:25 AM
by Gene
Now if only that bug could spread. Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Posted
3:28 PM
by Gene
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1:49 PM
by Gene
...honorable but simple-minded.... Now THAT'S an insult!
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1:36 PM
by Gene
It should scarcely come as a surprise, though, that the center of world politics is also the center of fake hair. It precedes one just as good: "A combover is particularly inadvisable for anyone involved in politics," Baldwin writes. "As well as looking ridiculous, the wearer can appear misguided and even dishonest. To quote Philip II of Macedon: 'I could not think that one who was faithless in his hair could be trustworthy in his deeds.'" And that precedes another one even better: However ridiculous fake hair may be, politicians and other bigfeet just can't resist it. As Baldwin notes in his "Hairless History of the World" chapter, in an entry for 1942, when Gen. Douglas MacArthur took command of Allied forces in the Pacific: "Regrettably, MacArthur attempted to cover up with a combover, prompting Alice Roosevelt Longworth (daughter of President Theodore Roosevelt) to remark: 'Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.'..." Thank you, Jonathan Yardley! Thank you, Mark Krikorian!
Posted
1:15 PM
by Gene
ROMY USES THE F-WORD! FIRE HIM, ST. WARREN! FIRE HIM!!
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1:13 PM
by Gene
Posted
11:22 AM
by Gene
MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRANSLATION: 1. Dubya has his "We nuke Russia" moment; 2. The Daily Mirror has its NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! moment. Well, at least the Mirror admits the Osama Channel broadcasts "atrocities", something we might not expect in its hard-left moments. Yesterday former Labour Defence Minister Peter Kilfoyle... ...a vocal backbench critic of the Government.... Sometimes I wonder if news stories are less about news than about grudges.
Posted
11:20 AM
by Gene
They're PICKIN' on ya, LORD KOPPEL! He also hinted that "Nightline" would experiment with "teases" about upcoming stories before heading into commercial breaks — a come-on familiar from newsmagazines but a tactic the program largely eschewed under Koppel. Lord Koppel used tape, these folks will use teases. What's the diff?
Posted
11:11 AM
by Gene
One in five hits on search ads is likely bogus OR: Ninety-nine percent of Google revenue is from pay-per-click advertising, and as that has exploded so has click fraud. TRANSLATION: $5,000 a share in three months.
Posted
9:33 AM
by Gene
What? They're doing shows on something other than The Protocols of the Elders of Zion?
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9:30 AM
by Gene
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9:27 AM
by Gene
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9:09 AM
by Gene
I guess that's RACIST with a capital $! Monday, November 21, 2005
Posted
6:38 PM
by Gene
Mom, hand me my fowling piece [And] I'll police those charms.... The problem is you have to go to a dictionary to figure out what he meant: a "fouling piece" is "[a] light shotgun for shooting birds and small animals." For the first time you understand the lyric, something you've puzzled over for years; and it's GREA -- TERRIBLE! Sorry for writing this way, but the same cretinous scribblers who call the Hawk Chicken "respected" call [C]RAP GENIUS, and there's no getting around the clumping lockstep of their thinking, or the sulfurous stench of their philistinism.
Posted
5:14 PM
by Gene
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5:10 PM
by Gene
Do you have a better idea where to put it?
Posted
5:08 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:03 PM
by Gene
Current RESPECTED MURTHA Index: 1,450
Posted
3:14 PM
by Gene
Books by Jordan and Martin, says Joseph Beth's Delambre, "are kind of like what Unforgiven is for Westerns and Crouching Tiger (Hidden Dragon) is for kung fu flicks. They take all the things you learned from the old ones and turn it into something better and greater." Well, this press agent's guaranteed a job.
Posted
2:35 PM
by Gene
Yep, you folks deserve all the layoffs you can get.
Posted
2:16 PM
by Gene
Thank you for pointing this out, "dead."
Posted
1:38 PM
by Gene
You've only gotten back to abnormal. Zee woorrd rrriot ees a beet too strrraawng. Okay, we'll call it angry cars incinerating themselves.
Posted
1:27 PM
by Gene
They're gonna kick you out of the CLUBHOUSE, Jonah!
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1:11 PM
by Gene
Posted
10:04 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:48 AM
by Gene
Cat years? Dog years? Fly years? At least he didn't say whose.
Posted
9:09 AM
by Gene
You mean even HIP people are getting tired of rotten "music"?
Posted
8:09 AM
by Gene
I really wish news hacks would link to sources when citing statistics. Any business that can take The Conspiracy's lying numbers lying down will take any numbers lying down when they concern show biz. Maybe $460 million is the truth, but we don't associate news hacks often with truth.
Posted
6:30 AM
by Gene
Who'da thought? And of course the oafs who finance the National Foolishness League don't care; they're busy jabbering in their luxury boxes over new ways to shaft the public. Sunday, November 20, 2005
Posted
5:50 PM
by Gene
"Sometimes it seems as if there are just thirty architects in the world, a flying circus of the perpetually jet-lagged that consists of the twenty who take one another seriously enough to acknowledge the presence of another member of the magic circle when they meet in the first-class lounge at Heathrow and another ten running on empty -- the others are on to them, but for the time being they can still pull in the clients on the strength of past glories. Taken together, they make up the group that provides the names that come up again and again when yet another sadly deluded city finds itself laboring under the mistaken impression that it is going to trump the Bilbao Guggenheim with an art gallery that looks like a flying saucer, or a hotel in the form of a twenty-story-high meteorite." These are the architects "licensed to be weird," and they take full advantage of that license. Viz., Gehry. The result is a lot of showy, self-regarding architecture that will be worn out almost as soon as it's unveiled. In a culture of celebrity and glitz, it comes as no surprise that architecture has gone celebrity and glitz, nor is it any surprise that most of the buildings this produces are piles of junk.
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5:23 PM
by Gene
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4:53 PM
by Gene
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4:39 PM
by Gene
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1:11 PM
by Gene
At what point do people say enough to partisan tantrums on both sides?
Posted
12:36 PM
by Gene
P. S. SAM's linked to it, so it's probably false. P. P. S. It appears to be linked to this story from another of SAM's favorites: EIGHT HIGH-RANKING AL QAEDA LEADERS BLEW THEMSELVES UP AFTER A LARGE AMERICAN FORCE SUNDAY NOON LAID SIEGE TO A BUILDING IN WHICH THEY WERE BARRICADED IN MOSUL, NORTHERN IRAQ!!!!!!!!!! ...which means it's probably DOUBLE-FALSE.
Posted
12:21 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:05 PM
by Gene
Literary celebrations — like many other awards — have mushroomed, according to James English, whose new book is titled "The Economy of Prestige." Fifty years ago, there were only about 20 U.S. literary awards; now there are at least 1,000, he said. (As for feature films, he said, there are twice as many awards as films produced worldwide.) And let us not forget JERNALISM awards, or TV awards, or recorded-SOUND awards. No one's better than the media biz in talking to itself, and not listening to anyone else.
Posted
11:24 AM
by Gene
P. S. A blogger "reported" it, which suggests someday everybody will have his own scoop.
Posted
9:48 AM
by Gene
I'm sure he's very sad. Maybe he can blow them up someday.
Posted
9:33 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:20 AM
by Gene
The last time a Janey-One-Note married a recorded-SOUND exec it was the Eight-Octave Screamer and Tommy "The Don" Mottola ("the record company mogul Michael Jackson called the devil and Mariah Carey called a husband" -- who knew SUMNER had that kind of wit in Him?), and we're not so sure it worked that well for either.
Posted
9:16 AM
by Gene
Even 25 years later, the details of his death come rushing back, like a flock of dark birds. Yeah, like THE BIRDS, or maybe a flock that will leave a mess of guano all over.
Posted
9:13 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:06 AM
by Gene
"The fact is, Bush's war policy has failed," said Rep. Rahm Emanuel of Chicago, a former Clinton spin doctor who chairs the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. "It's failed! Who better to say so than Jack Murtha?" GIVE ME FIVE! The boys were JUMPING when he said THAT. Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your BOOTY! Shake your BOOTY! C'mon!! To his credit, Jonny's brain does seem to flicker briefly to activity, very briefly: The stakes in Iraq are higher than in Southeast Asia 40 years ago. Failure would give Al Qaeda a huge base from which to kill us. But why should we expect thinking between the lines, or any thinking at all, at a dishrag where the jobs are permanent and the self-congratulation is free?
Posted
8:58 AM
by Gene
New Orleans Today: It's Worse Than You Think Couldn't we apply that line to anything? Possible it is that Nawlans wouldn't be 100 percent three months after one of our worst natural disasters, but you wonder how the news hacks' current self-flaggelations make their way into their stories. WOE ARE WE! shout the scribblers as they make bigger salaries than ever, as their employers make bigger profits than ever. It's worse than you think when you THINK about it. Well, there is this morsel: Louisiana's recent request for $250 billion, perilously short on details, got a contemptuous reception from Republicans ("Nonstarter," said a Senate aide), editorial writers (who dubbed it the "Louisiana looters' bill") and even a few Democrats.... Freudian slip? P. S. The TWXSTERS have made this available. Have they stopped their stupid practice of walling off cover stories, or is this a glitch? Saturday, November 19, 2005
Posted
9:02 PM
by Gene
Hilarious.
Posted
8:44 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:15 PM
by Gene
![]() The head of the Reform Jewish Coffee Klatch and Bake Sale Clubs does a very fine imitation of Mr. Magoo attempting a phone call with a machine gun before going out into the wide world and mistaking his social clubs for synagogues, empty seats for congregants, and psychiatry for the word of God, whoever he is.
Posted
5:52 PM
by Gene
To build a better bust? The era of the hot Net I.P.O. is over, and good riddance. Yeah! We got BETTER bubbles!
Posted
4:46 PM
by Gene
Has Wile E. Coyote shorted the stock? P. S. Alas, the outfit was co-founded by the man who inflicted The WB on us, so the name is likely intentional.
Posted
3:00 PM
by Gene
I think December 8 would be a good day to HIBERNATE.
Posted
2:46 PM
by Gene
And how many of Your stations run the Lord Goddess, O Royal Midas UB?
Posted
2:38 PM
by Gene
He uses pen and ink. Has he ever thought of starting his own public blog? With phrases like "appalling old waxworks" he'd top Kos -- or SAM LITTLE.
Posted
12:06 PM
by Gene
Can you say CHAPTER XI? Their new venue has already done so.
Posted
11:43 AM
by Gene
But Vonnegut's latest comments are likely to make many people wonder if old age has finally caught up with a grand old man of American letters. TRANSLATION: This is a RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, and RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s "conservative", therefore we needn't pay attention to that line, or this story. P. S. I wish I'd known SAM LITTLE already posted this, or I wouldn't have bothered, as that definitely means this story will not be taken seriously.
Posted
10:32 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:28 AM
by Gene
Toasting our infinite wisdom again, Robert? Oh wait, he's behind the wall. This is Jim Dickey's son. Well, it's still nice to put one over on the plebeians, but beer opinions at Champagne prices don't cut it anymore, especially when you can get half-baked attitude off the Web these days for free -- as we did with you. As Sen. John McCain points out in this week’s NEWSWEEK.... You'd soon enough find fault with him too, even though he'd be a GREAT PRESIDENT. Friday, November 18, 2005
Posted
11:21 PM
by Gene
So much for THAT immortal exercise in VALOR. I must repeat myself: These peace-pleading frauds don't have the guts to support their lack of guts.
Posted
8:42 PM
by Gene
Aw, jeez, can't you be friends? Today there five hundred stories of more import which Curley's [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] Stooges underreported so it could gasp on the golf course in almost 1,000 words.
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Good luck!
Posted
5:19 PM
by Gene
Index Mutual Funds Get an A in School, C- in Life
Posted
5:03 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:53 PM
by Gene
OR: "I won't stand for the swift-boating of Jack Murtha," Sen. John Kerry, the Democratic presidential nominee in 2004, responded Friday. Also a Vietnam veteran, Kerry was dogged during the campaign by a group called the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth that challenged his war record. "There is no sterner stuff than the backbone and courage that defines Jack Murtha's character and conscience," Kerry said. Hardly a ringing endorsement.
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