Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED: I know more than you. I make lots more money than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexier than you. I appear on TV all the time. I work ten minutes a day. I rule the universe. I'm going to live forever. You are an idiot. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2: A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3: I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity. --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4: News isn't news when we don't report it. PERMALINKS: THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE! Blogroll Me! |
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Posted
4:12 PM
by Gene
Doesn't RDS mean "Radio Does Stink"?
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4:08 PM
by Gene
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4:01 PM
by Gene
Statement of Mark Geragos, Attorney for Michael Jackson LOS ANGELES, Dec. 31 /PRNewswire/ -- The following is a statement by Mark Geragos, Attorney for Michael Jackson: We not only welcome an investigation by the Attorney General of California, but will ask that the entire case from its inception be investigated by that office. The deliberate disregard of the findings of the Los Angeles Department of Children & Family Services investigation -- and closure of this case as totally unfounded by that agency -- seriously hurts the credibility of the Santa Barbara County Sheriff. I'm glad somebody said that. P. S. This links on the front page of PRNewswire between "Independence Blue Cross and Holy Redeemer Health System Announce Agreement on New Contract" and "Modest Increase in Nation's Alienation Index, According to Harris Poll." Sure they didn't mean "aliens"?
Posted
3:42 PM
by Gene
Translation: we're gonna stick this story in your faces, and don't tell us about Hillary.
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3:34 PM
by Gene
You are not writing for the people you profile but for your general readers. Pffh-hh-hh-hh-ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! I'd like to see YOU blog, Ken. "I'm having lunch at a table at the Four Seasons with Sum, Rupe and Barry...."
Posted
3:16 PM
by Gene
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1:25 PM
by Gene
If you like suicide I say, RIGHT ON!
Posted
1:13 PM
by Gene
So tasteful. So subdued. So . . . Cyndi Lauper at 50?
Posted
11:53 AM
by Gene
So that explains blogging.
Posted
11:33 AM
by Gene
I guess the plank gets much shorter when you're batting .375 in football.
Posted
11:26 AM
by Gene
Does it really matter unless we're looking for a new variety of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
Posted
10:59 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:12 AM
by Gene
Shucks. No Law and Order Channel. NO WOODY WOODPECKER CHANNEL. What shall we do?
Posted
9:47 AM
by Gene
OR: Some Connecticut communities were hoping Shay's comments would be a boon to their own festivities.
Posted
6:46 AM
by Gene
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
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8:54 PM
by Gene
Ka-CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
6:07 PM
by Gene
Hey Je$$e, 1. you're a little late, and 2. the Queen of Mawkish Sleaze has her own rag -- and she's Person of the Year every month.
Posted
5:28 PM
by Gene
I think we can guess the definition: terrorism is a Jew killing you. Legitimate resistance is you killing a Jew. With UNESCO in on this we can be pretty sure that's what Jordanian schoolkids will learn.
Posted
5:11 PM
by Gene
Girls, COMBINED the two of you aren't worth an insult.
Posted
4:52 PM
by Gene
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3:28 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:11 PM
by Gene
Still, not everyone is a convert to the idea of megachurches. While some admit they are a way to get people back into the pews, others believe they are diluting religious doctrine, offering more flash than substance. Some even doubt they are meeting people's deepest spiritual needs. They see them as little more than a fad. I suppose we should be happy that people can find God when and where they can, but given the great glories of religious culture, why do we have to take screaming and geetars lying down?
Posted
11:51 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:27 AM
by Gene
Maybe I would be better off if I sent e-mails to Michael Wolff and put up cute pictures of wolf pups and said I agreed with "Glenn." P. S. I wouldn't be surprised if that was a form response.
Posted
6:51 AM
by Gene
Why surprisingly? All news hacks ever read is themselves.
Posted
6:28 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:19 AM
by Gene
THAT'S an understatement, I'm sure. He got fired, by the way -- something Ben Bradlee or Howie "Hair Shirt" Kurtz probably wouldn't complain about. Monday, December 29, 2003
Posted
5:17 PM
by Gene
Today in nine posts (I usually do between fifteen and twenty on a good day) I've written 372 words. BUZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When will you Forbes 400 bloggers realize WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY FOR YOU???????????????
Posted
3:30 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:29 PM
by Gene
PROF! WHEN DOES CHRISTMAS BREAK END? WE'RE GETTING YOUR CABIN FEVER!!
Posted
11:24 AM
by Gene
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11:13 AM
by Gene
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11:12 AM
by Gene
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9:03 AM
by Gene
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8:22 AM
by Gene
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6:56 AM
by Gene
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Posted
7:59 PM
by Gene
I wonder if this is part of a plot. News hacks hear rumblings that President DAMN! is unelectable, toss all sorts of mud in his face, so...NAH. They're too unbiased.
Posted
7:09 PM
by Gene
I don't know about y'all, but I have had my fill of FOX News. Hourly, their on-air personalities try to out-do each other on the Jackson coverage. Then--the on-air personalities jump to the Mad Cow videos. FOX has really gone into a dung-heap. Who produces these shows? Barnum and Bailey? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOUTH PARK CONSERVATIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey Andy S.! You haven't mentioned them lately! Have they gone on vacation with you? Or can we expect some guest-star SOUTH PARK CONSERVATIVES?
Posted
4:39 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:30 PM
by Gene
1. I've a hunch a lot of the perfessers travel on studio- or network- or label-financed junkets, making them paid stooges for show-biz. 2. Perfessers are nothing if not ostentatiously political. These philistines no doubt are expanding their base by ingratiating themselves with j-schools to help them turn out ad-blurb copywriters; the day is slowly coming, I fear, when a pop-culture major may be as required to write ad blurbs as an Ivy League degree. The raves will go from annoying to intolerable. 3. The rich and unfunny irony is that these philistines work in an industry which always mocks Dubya as the height of STOOPID. Well, what could be more STOOPID than what these philistines engage in -- a circle jerk in words?
Posted
12:36 PM
by Gene
Posted
11:00 AM
by Gene
NEWSMAX shows yet again why a press dominated by hard-core knee-jerk conservative NEWS HACKS would be just as bad as a press dominated by hard-core knee-jerk liberal NEWS HACKS, if in a slightly different way. CLEARLY these idiots are saying that the French intentionally and malevolently let THE TERRORISTS know, almost personally, that they were targeted; and while I wouldn't put anything past the French, there's no evidence yet the premature news was the result of anything other than excessive zeal on someone's part. AND THERE'S NOTHING IN THE IDIOTS' OWN WASHINGTON TIMES-DERIVED STORY TO REFUTE THAT. This is the moral equivalent of WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! getting on the phone with an EisnerCorp guy -- a cheap way of pumping your constituents. HEY WALTER!!!!! BUY NEWSMAX!!!!! It would be THE DEAL OF THE CENTURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
10:31 AM
by Gene
P. S. Here is another reason why we don't need news hacks: a 1,332-word article containing this thirty-four-word nugget of wisdom, which on this subject is all we need to know: "They're so concerned with the suggestion that to write about, say, The Simpsons means you're not really smart that it causes a lot of academics to overcompensate, unintentionally making parodies of their own work." NUF SAID.
Posted
10:11 AM
by Gene
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
9:59 AM
by Gene
Theh's somethin' SCWEWY goin' on awound heawh!
Posted
9:49 AM
by Gene
Very true Jack, but that doesn't prevent you from believing that MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER -- or that we've just seen ONE OF THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS IN FILM HISTORY!!!!!!!!!! And that's the problem with you and the other ad-blurb copywriters -- you've been reviewing movies for a while.
Posted
9:40 AM
by Gene
Looks like I have to revise the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY again. Not to mention noting this turkey can't fly because it has so many wings. Saturday, December 27, 2003
Posted
7:48 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:46 PM
by Gene
The line that "cultural exports are now worth three and a half times the value of all the televisions this nation exported in 2002" is surely misleading as the Sonys and Matsushitas do a lot of their manufacturing overseas, as Japan long ago got too expensive; and besides, they sell a lot more than TVs.
Posted
4:40 PM
by Gene
I've not posted on the dreadful earthquake in Iran because natural disasters do not lend themselves to more than platitudes or a kind of fake, transient sympathy. But I came across before-and-after pictures in one of the New York tabloids (this wasn't one of them) of that magnificent mud fortress from the 9th century, like a huge sand castle -- almost totally ruined. Those two pictures conveyed the loss in a way pictures of crying women can't.
Posted
1:39 PM
by Gene
(WHY MUST THAT REPORTER HAVE A MIDDLE INITIAL OF "8."?!?!?)
Posted
12:33 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:39 AM
by Gene
[Osram] Sylvania [its US unit] couldn't get enough people, especially decision-making executives, to fly to San Antonio for the game and related events. "One of the problems was the date," Colotti said. "It was always between Christmas and New Year's. That presented a marketing challenge (to get commitments from the executives to fly to San Antonio). That's a family time." Translation: this is a minor league bowl game, and there's no way we're spending a whole week to waste our time to schmooze with nothings in a no-account game. I mean, you can't go back to HQ and yell at the underlings, "I WAS AT THE OSRAM SYLVANIA BOWL AND YOU WEREN'T!!!!!" Considering that many bowl games have already had two or three sponsors in their checkered histories -- remember the Hey, Culligan Bowl? The Carquest Bowl? The IBM OS/2 Bowl? The Poulin Weedeater Bowl? -- I'd say NO to any bowl sponsorship. But common sense has grown as extinct at most firms as American jobs. Friday, December 26, 2003
Posted
6:48 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:25 PM
by Gene
Pray for his innocence, PRESIDENT DAMN! -- especially when you hit the SOLID SOUTH!
Posted
6:14 PM
by Gene
I think we know the answers to those questions.
Posted
5:51 PM
by Gene
1. C.G.I. Tolkien's imitation-Ring-Cycle adolescent fantasy; 2. RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s financially glubglubbing nautical adventure; 3. The better Gone with the Wind with sex, gore, no blacks, and rave reviews from idiots like David "I WAS A SLAVE TO PORN" Denby; 4. Clint's little artsy-craftsy; and 5. The horsey story without Liz and Mick. I will announce THE WINNER OF THE COVETED ACADEMY AWARD® on the day of the NOMINATIONS. Good luck to bad films!
Posted
5:45 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:26 PM
by Gene
Posted Friday, Dec. 26, 2003, at 9:29 AM PT The Dec. 23 "Today's Papers," Eric Umansky called former Centcom commander Anthony Zinni by the wrong first name, George. In the Dec. 23 edition of "Explainer," Eric Umansky wrongly stated that Jerry Rawlings' military title was first lieutenant. Rawlings was, rather, a flight lieutenant. In the Dec. 22 "Art" article, Daniel Kunitz originally stated that James Whistler died on July 22, 1903. In fact, Whistler died on July 17; his funeral was held July 22. Kunitz also mistakenly said James Whistler's Arrangement in Grey and Black No. 1 "always has hung" in the Musée d'Orsay in Paris. In fact, the painting has always hung in Paris, although not always in the Musée D'Orsay. Looks as if Kinsley.com has as many BUGS as any MS program! Good work, ENTOMOLOGISTS!
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
Or as THE ZON might say, if he'd lived in the nineteenth century: "ETHICS BE DAMNED!!!!! I'm working for my shareholders!!!!!!!!!!!" You hypocrites would definitely appreicate that.
Posted
10:48 AM
by Gene
Especially when the PUBLIC was the punchline. RIGHT, Art? And a BAH HUMBUG to you.
Posted
9:15 AM
by Gene
AND: have YOU ever heard of -- "Michael John LaChiusa, Andrew Lippa, Ricky Ian Gordon, Robert Reale, Zena Goldrich, Adam Guettel, Jason Robert Brown, David Yazbek, Polly Pen, Robert Lindsay Nassif, Tim Acito and Laurence O'Keefe"? You should have -- THEY'VE ALL WRITTEN BRILLIANT MUSICALS!!!!! No wonder we're stuck with Mamma Mia.
Posted
9:05 AM
by Gene
Who says it's not for the money? Thursday, December 25, 2003
Posted
1:12 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:58 AM
by Gene
Sgt. Jaime Misplay of Golden Shores, Ariz., right, and Sgt. Paul R Messier of Swansea, Mass., right, decorate Christmas tree at the 28th Combat Support Hospital in Baghdad, Iraq, Monday Dec. 22, 2003. (AP Photo/Muhammed Muheisen)
Posted
8:21 AM
by Gene
![]() I'll find some more to amuse myself.
Posted
8:20 AM
by Gene
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8:17 AM
by Gene
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Posted
8:09 AM
by Gene
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8:08 AM
by Gene
MERRY CHRISTMAS!and I'll try to keep my posting light, to save wear and tear on my sanity. (I DID IT!) Wednesday, December 24, 2003
Posted
5:31 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:21 PM
by Gene
Better hope it doesn't rain.
Posted
4:46 PM
by Gene
One theory that has been making the rounds for years now holds that shy people "are born with essentially more sensitive brains and nervous systems and they find normal social existence to be more stressful than they are comfortable with," says Cole. "They are just kind of high-strung." I know. Puh-leeze.
Posted
4:42 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:35 PM
by Gene
![]() Two-month-old Palestinian Christian baby girl Maryam Qasis is propped up against an altar as her mother takes her photograph with the doll that represents the infant Jesus, in St. Catherine's Church in the West Bank town of Bethlehem. The biblical town, where according to tradition Jesus was born, faces yet another gloomy Christmas in the face of more than three years of Palestinian-Israeli violent conflict. (Getty Images) (from Newsday.com)
Posted
2:40 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:23 PM
by Gene
"Not trying to do anything to me, he says!" screamed the little man. "Wasn't his fault! It's never anybody's fault! They give me ten thousand dollars' worth of Sam Browne belts for Scotch Highlanders and it's nobody's fault!" Let us swallow hard: the several Oscar®-striving period pieces on the screen this season have fizzled at the BEEEEEEEEE-O. It was one thing to play these period pieces with Errol Flynns and Clark Gables, and they fit in a time that still believed in the old chivalries. Plus, and I hate to say it again, JACK and his penchant for Grand Guignol also ruin them. Hate to say this again, too: it isn't that people don't want adult pictures; it's that JACK's CONSPIRACY must make what it deems adult pictures ITS way, and largely to conform to the prejudices of the ad-blurb copywriters, which have now helped to strait-jacket the movies for two generations. And when these imbeciles are through the public can make out the Sam Browne belts. By January it'll be back to the dogs of winter, and the CGI machines for the stupid kids will soon follow, and whatever extremely marginal hope for better movies will disappear again.
Posted
10:56 AM
by Gene
On the WORLD SOCIALIST WEB SITE?!?!?
Posted
10:45 AM
by Gene
[P]ublic cultural support cannot be about the provision of entertainment, either upscale or for the masses; it cannot be about the accomplishment of immediate and partisan social and political goals; it cannot be about the stretching of the limits of permissible personal behavior; it cannot validate the so-called “cutting edge” of art or thought. … [P]ublic support must concentrate on nothing less than the transmission of the civilization of the past, via the present, to the future. Public support thus must concern itself with civilizing works of art, literature, and thought, their preservation, study, communication, and regeneration. [Emphasis added.] There you have it: no chcocolate-coated feminists, no bullwhips up behinds, no Christ figures in urine, no elephant dung, no video walls, no geetars, no lectures, no tantrums, just "the finest art." Is this too much to ask for?
Posted
8:51 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Posted
8:34 PM
by Gene
Pffh-hh-hh!
Posted
7:44 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:36 PM
by Gene
Here's an interesting paragraph: The U.S. sales director for one of India's top computer services providers said his company has won business from customers such as Walt Disney Co., Time Warner Inc.'s CNN and the Fox division of News Corp. -- none of which want public disclosure. Wonder why Viacom isn't in there. I like the name of one of the companies that's helping to export the jobs to Inja: Tata Consultancy Services. As in kiss your employment goodbye. (I suspect some high-paid CONSULTANT will recommend a name change.)
Posted
5:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:11 PM
by Gene
This is a movie that sends you out shuddering, chuckling nervously, wanting to tell the people in line for the next show, "It's the feel-bad movie of the year!" No, Bug, I don't want feel-bad movies, but what I do want -- movies that will entertain, movies that will make me think, movies that don't beat me over the head with Grand Guignol and all of JACK's other contemptible tricks -- you and your fellow blurbists DON'T WANT. You want good trash and good bad trash, because St. Pauline of Kael worshipped them. In short, you want TRASH.
Posted
3:20 PM
by Gene
So that's where they get that ol'-time religion.
Posted
2:50 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:00 PM
by Gene
Now that's an insult.
Posted
1:30 PM
by Gene
This is one thing I LOOOOOVE about political hacks: they'll invent 5000 new ways to mangle the language. With the HARD-CORE REPUBLICANS it's misusing "Democrat" as an adjective because they think it REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY gets on people's nerves. They're right; it gets on my nerves.
Posted
1:17 PM
by Gene
How fitting. One comedian pardons another.
Posted
12:10 PM
by Gene
"MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS. GOT IT?"GOT IT, George "The Zillionaire Crybaby" Will. P. S. WHAT ABOUT PAUL KRUGMAN AND ENRON?
Posted
11:50 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:47 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:39 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:08 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:20 AM
by Gene
The politically correct A-HOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMA....
Posted
10:18 AM
by Gene
A-HOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMA....
Posted
8:20 AM
by Gene
...[O]peratives of Osama bin Laden's al-Qaida terror network, possibly trained and licensed to fly passenger jets, may now be pilots for some foreign airlines, ideally positioning them to carry out suicide attacks, U.S. officials told NBC News on Monday. Reinforced cockpit doors intended to thwart hijackers after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks would now protect any terrorist pilot at the controls, the officials said on condition of anonymity.... In a nice double qualifier, some "officials" "indicate" that the holy cockroaches "may"...you get the idea. We flail at orange through January. Monday, December 22, 2003
Posted
6:09 PM
by Gene
Why am I doubtful? (And no, I don't like the NRA.)
Posted
5:38 PM
by Gene
Is that another Palestinian tradition -- like candy?
Posted
5:29 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
Yeah, to stick it to his ex-maid. What a delicious way on putting it over on the LOWER CLASSES.
Posted
3:49 PM
by Gene
Then again, look what happened to the Saudis.
Posted
1:47 PM
by Gene
You and who else? When it's Congress, and it's business, and it's loans, it's grants.
Posted
1:02 PM
by Gene
Him and Pillhead.
Posted
11:25 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:21 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:42 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:28 AM
by Gene
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Posted
8:19 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:56 PM
by Gene
O'REILLY'S BOOK HITS #1 ON NY TIMES LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what? Michael Moore's made #1 too. And as I've said before, the book biz isn't about quality, it's about marketing, which is why its sales have declined. Besides, most people don't want to read big fat mouths in print, the fringe hardcores excepted. P. S. From now on NewsMax, would you mind putting your heds in ALL CAPS? It's your intention, and it would save me the trouble of having to ring up Word to change them.
Posted
3:40 PM
by Gene
Somebody definitely had someone like Curley's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges in mind when he said, "The enemy of our enemy is our friend." With friends like these who needs enemy's enemies?
Posted
2:16 PM
by Gene
"Unfortunately for Sony, Michael's arrest came in the same week his new album was launched." [Editor's note: It's unfortunate because THIS ALBUM IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!] (Overemphasis mine.) There aren't enough D-U-M-DUM sites for teens on the Web. And of course it has 20 pop-up ads.
Posted
1:16 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:47 PM
by Gene
Honest Gov, your system is as useful as JACK's ALPHABET SOUP. There are only two ratings, and your red is like NC-17 (and only to be used after the fact). Isn't there a better way? Coming on the same day as this story one may have reason to doubt you.
Posted
12:42 PM
by Gene
I've got a better hed, public editor: "You Can Stand on Principle Without a Foot to Stand On." Thus it is with news hacks, at especially the noble Times.
Posted
11:28 AM
by Gene
Answer us, Paks -- why do you want to nuke Israel?
Posted
8:30 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:24 AM
by Gene
There. Now you can go back to sleep. Saturday, December 20, 2003
Posted
9:37 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:27 PM
by Gene
What do we do now?
Posted
7:24 PM
by Gene
What do we do now?
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:59 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:01 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:31 PM
by Gene
MICKEYMOUSE NIXON: Michael Eisner. So called because in recent years he's frequently been likened to Nixon, given his penchant for micromanagement and credit-hogging. BUTTMAN INSTITUTE: The Cato Institute, the home of glibertarianism. The producer of Buttman videos is a "major" benefactor. THE BROW: Sumner Redstone, after the arch-nemesis of Dick Tracy, and also because he lost his in a hotel fire. PRESIDENT DAMN!: Howard Dean, given his vituperous history and the fact that news hacks have annointed him our President-Elect. PRESIDENT McCLELLAN: Wesley Clark, given his superficial resemblances to another Democratic general who ran for president, George McClellan. With PRESIDENT DAMN'S surge in the press's estimation I have demoted McClellan to general. THE ZON: Mel Karmazin, the broadcast tyrant who makes a big thing about the correct pronunciation of his name: it's KarmaZON, NOT KarmaZIN. THE GLIBERAL: Frank Rich. Self-explanatory, I hope. ASWIA: The fictitious American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers, which isn't so fictitious; it's called the Association of National Advertisers and it's made a big PR stink about its "support" for "family-friendly programming" even as it's grown ever more indiscriminate in its sponsorships. THE CLUNKER BROTHERS: GM and Ford, and honorary member DaimlerCorp (i.e., DaimlerChrysler), again for obvious reasons; and while I know The Big Two have made considerable quality strides, they always manage to undercut them one way or another, mainly through their bad PR and excessive advertising. BUZZ T. NEWHOUSE: Jeff Jarvis, former TV Guide "critic" and founder of the unreadable Time Warner rag Entertainment Weekly, and proprietor of BuzzMachine.com, who earned this name being a TWXster (qv), and also because he now works for Newhouse in "new media," and who has a decided aversion to knocking people in big media, unless they make idiotic statements about blogging. RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Any property run by News Corporation automatically gets at least twenty exclamation points after (or within) the name given the founder's penchant for banging people on the head with them (hence FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News, THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, etc.) TWXSTER: Anyone employed by Time Warner (TWX is its NYSE ticker symbol). BILL THE ENTOMOLOGIST: The head wizard of Microsoft, after his company's penchant for creating some very ingenious software bugs. PILLHEAD: Rush Limbaugh, after an unsolicited compliment on his radio show. LOWSY MAYS: Lowry Mays, the swaggering founder and chairman of Clear Channel Communications (which I call CHEAP CHANNEL after the fashion). SUPERHOOPER: Ibrahim Hooper, the tyrannical spokespoop for CAIR, who never met a Muslim he didn't like. NEWS HACK: I know I have what amounts to an obsession in using this term, but as I explained in one of my earliest posts, I'm not calling them "journalists." That's like calling a garbageman a sanitation engineer (God knows they're in the same business). Besides, am I going to endow an AP drone with the same term as Boswell, Dickens, Hemingway and Orwell? Not on your life! Well how about "reporter," then? Because not all news hacks report; some are incoherent columnists, some are movie-ad-blurb copywriters, some are senior-citizen groupies, some are millionaire toadies, and so forth. No, the dictionary defines "news" as "new information of any kind" (never mind that most "news" writing is old as the hilburns), and "hack" as "a writer hired to produce routine or commercial writing." Hackwork is worse on a deadline. Hence -- NEWS HACKS. GE BANCORP: General Electric, because it seems increasingly to want to be a bank (and in similar financial scams like show-biz) and to uninvolve itself in grimy businesses like manufacturing. ALTRIA MOTIVE: The former Philip Morris Companies, or as it must call itself now, Altria, the pronunciation of whose name suggests a double entendre -- and if the firm didn't provide it by sticking with its NYSE ticker symbol MO. (ALTRIA MOTIVE FOODS is Kraft Inc., 85-percent owned by ALTRIA MOTIVE.) MOVIE-AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS: Again, I will not call them movie "critics" for the same reason I will not call NEWS HACKS "journalists." In a "notorious" column Variety's fawner-in-chief Peter Bart suggested calling them the same thing. All they write are ad blurbs for movies, seasoned with a big dollop of pretension. DOW 36,000: Jim Glassman, the smug glibertarian columnist and head of Tech Central Station, who confidently predicted at the height of the stock-market bubble in 2000 -- in a BOOK -- that's where the Dow Jones Industrial Average would go. SNIDELY WHIPLASH: House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, for his comically villainous demeanor, and also because he'd look like Snidely if you gave him a handlebar moustache and stove-pipe hat. CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES: AP hacks, affectionately named for their boss, Tom Curley, former editor of USA OKAY, who once insisted with a straight face most of the people who run the news biz are conservative. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS: The United Nations, like its forerunner, a wimpish, appeasing irrelevance. KINSLEY.COM: Slate.com, because it was founded and edited by Michael Kinsley, whose snide, smirky, smarmy presence radiates in every piece. THE NINE FINGERS IN THE WIND: The Supreme Court of the United States, whose members frequently seem to rule that way. GLIBERTARIANISM: Libertarianism. It combines (to quote from another post) "the worst of the knee-jerk liberal (laissez-faire morals) with the worst of the knee-jerk conservative (laissez-faire capitalism), mixed with a healthy dose of conceit." JACK: Jack Valenti, former dishonest flack for LBJ, since 1966 head of THE CONSPIRACY: The Motion Picture Association of America. The man has done more to ruin movies than anyone else, far more than the most-often-named culprit, Lucas Spielberg. JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP: "CARA," the MPAA's ratings system, an absolute disgrace, a big reason movie stink, and a problem no one seems of a mind to do anything about, for all the occasional REFORMING noises among news hacks. One suspects a reason the hacks are content just to make noises on the subject is that any positive change to mass media is a NEGATIVE CHANGE TO THEM. Hence the constant wave of denials of press bias, and the only recent grudging admission that something called the Web exists. SLEAZEBALL GUMBO: Billy Tauzin, the corrupt Louisiana congressman and JACK's heir apparent. THOMPSONISM: the womyn's studies and black studies movement of our time, "pop-culture studies," the incontinent praising of show-biz junk with multi-syllable words for the purpose of establishing tuition- and taxpayer-financed fiefdoms, named after "Prof." Robert Thompson of Syracuse, who's set Guinness Book records the last three years for getting his name in Nexus. LITTLE JEFFREY: Jeffrey Immelt, chairman of GE BANCORP, whom I call such because he will forever work under the shadow of the LEGENDARY (see the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) JACK WELCH, the most overhyped and overrated CEO who ever lived. BLUNDER RAG: Newsweek, so named after its hyperventilating Harvard graduate and superpatriotic columnist Jonathan Alter made fun of Vice-President Cheney for saying the Iraqis would cheer us. ("AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!") The magazine tries to make up for being second to its competition by outzeitgeisting the zeitgeist, often with nauseating (or unintentionally funny) results. BLUNDER was home of the Hitler Diaries, to this day one of its finest achievements.
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2:02 PM
by Gene
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8:48 AM
by Gene
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8:39 AM
by Gene
I'll believe it -- after a couple of years, and when we finally fire Whorvis Communications.
Posted
8:37 AM
by Gene
If books were good the selling would tend to itself. That never occurs to the geniuses of pulpland.
Posted
8:30 AM
by Gene
Given their infiltration by the forces of right, how can we be sure they aren't bandits? Friday, December 19, 2003
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10:44 PM
by Gene
I really wish the Fortune 500 blogger companies would stop writing this way. They're Starbucks; I'm a pouch of freeze-dried coffee. I'm glad Buzz noticed that atrocious lead from the Reut; however I noticed it first. Alas, as my motto goes....
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6:58 PM
by Gene
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5:49 PM
by Gene
The owners of Harry Caray's Restaurant bought the baseball that was deflected by a fan during the Cubs' playoff loss to Florida-- a move they say will help bring closure to one of the most agonizing losses in the team's history. That puts "closure" in the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY. This word went from being what happens to a door to cheap pop psychology. Throw it away, please?
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5:33 PM
by Gene
Here's one tyrant who sees the proverbial writing on the wall. GETTING SADDAM WAS A VERY VERY BAD THING! RIGHT PRESIDENT DAMN!? RIGHT LIBERALS? RIGHT DEMOCRATS?
Posted
5:19 PM
by Gene
Maybe the World Court can bring down Israel too. This Osama Channel Update brought to you by Buick® -- The Spirit of American Style™.
Posted
4:57 PM
by Gene
Michael Jackson is a lover, not a fighter.... That's almost as bad as calling a terrorist a freedom -- fighter.
Posted
1:31 PM
by Gene
Maybe that explains why men in beards keep running after herds of goats.
Posted
12:19 PM
by Gene
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6:43 AM
by Gene
Does it matter?
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6:36 AM
by Gene
Translation: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Posted
6:26 AM
by Gene
Thursday, December 18, 2003
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7:12 PM
by Gene
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5:35 PM
by Gene
Which is what the holiday is for. That and the playing of crummy songs. P. S. Synergy lives at EisnerCorp, in the hed.
Posted
5:18 PM
by Gene
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3:16 PM
by Gene
Go for it! And after you win, maybe you CAN apply for Michael Wolff's job!
Posted
3:10 PM
by Gene
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2:54 PM
by Gene
I'd like to pull the hat over the Conservative Edition's head -- and seal the Liberal Edition's mouth with Super Glue. I know, he's not, but he may as well be.
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1:08 PM
by Gene
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11:45 AM
by Gene
That won't be necessary. Just pull his hat down to his feet. But first, let's seal Bill's MOUTH with Super Glue.
Posted
10:52 AM
by Gene
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9:34 AM
by Gene
Shucks! The forces of Nazism march on!
Posted
9:05 AM
by Gene
I say, let the Iraqis decide.
Posted
8:19 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:40 AM
by Gene
Final word: Your father's name was M. U. D.
Posted
6:29 AM
by Gene
Refusing to acknowledge the desperate circumstances in which he finds himself, the imprisoned, egomaniacal ex-tyrant is demanding to be treated with respect, the officials said. Hey Sad, you're lucky we ARE treating you with respect.
Posted
6:26 AM
by Gene
A signed photo of Hizzoner was posted for sale last week on eBay. When the bidding closed last night just before 11, only one offer had been made - for a penny. Maybe the seller should have described it as RARE.
Posted
6:23 AM
by Gene
My suggestion, Greedy: call Ted Stevens. But be prepared to hand him half the project -- and to relocate to Nome.
Posted
6:20 AM
by Gene
Which I guess means we'll soon be accusing the Israelis of fomenting lung cancer.
Posted
12:21 AM
by Gene
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
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6:15 PM
by Gene
HARDY-HAR-HAR! Which party, Bob?
Posted
6:02 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:39 PM
by Gene
JUDGE WHO FREED HINCKLEY IS A CLINTONISTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The NEWSMAX/WINCHELL AXIS is no more interested in the truth than the idiots who are mourning our capture of Saddam. OR: U.S. District Judge Paul L. Friedman set numerous conditions on the outings. Among other things, Hinckley is not permitted to leave his parents, John and Jo Ann, at any time while he is away from the hospital, and the first outings must be in the Washington area. Those visits could take place in two weeks unless prosecutors seek to delay them through an appeal....The judge is requiring advance notice of any outings, including a full itinerary. The Secret Service, which continues to monitor Hinckley, would be informed of any trips and would be free to keep track of him. Facts can sometimes be an inconvenient thing.
Posted
5:16 PM
by Gene
P. S. Judging from his newly purchased site I'd say the allegedly shrewd Bob Pittman is the latest jerk to throw money away on the Web -- but he had quite an education at TWX.
Posted
5:00 PM
by Gene
Makes sense to me -- now that they'll get sued.
Posted
2:21 PM
by Gene
VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY FUNNY, Cleaning Lady.
Posted
1:55 PM
by Gene
WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME? P. S. I found this article on Free Republic, and if the members aren't already doing the see-no-evil routine. Only a DEMOCRAT can be corrupt. Tell that to U. S. Grant, Warren Harding, RICHARD NIXON, etc. Oh, and it's the "L. A. Slimes." You clowns just don't agree with the politics. I HATE KNEE JERKS OF ANY STRIPE!
Posted
1:39 PM
by Gene
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1:19 PM
by Gene
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12:44 PM
by Gene
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12:25 PM
by Gene
I think this is why the media-political-academic industrial complex is so despondent that we caught Saddam: they're power phreaks, and because the people who captured Saddam are not in their little coterie they view this as a direct challenge to their power -- and I'm not the first to say this.
Posted
12:02 PM
by Gene
That should be a badge of honor with Larry "Greed" Kudlow.
Posted
8:36 AM
by Gene
As all this hate was getting spewed out, Dean sat backstage listening. Aides say [emphasis added] he was fuming, so livid that he almost refused to come out to talk to the crowd. When he did, he began by saying some of the language was "wrong" and "I just don't have much tolerance for ethnic humor." But he didn't refer to all the X-rated anti-Bush and anti-Cheney attacks. On second thought, though, he did find the jokes about Condoleezza Rice funny -- so long as they didn't contain the N-word.
Posted
8:25 AM
by Gene
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8:18 AM
by Gene
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6:21 AM
by Gene
A few features temporarily off due to high traffic This part of the new look, Bugs?
Posted
6:18 AM
by Gene
Doesn't some TWX moron realize the company's sold its records unit? Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Posted
8:30 PM
by Gene
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8:21 PM
by Gene
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5:50 PM
by Gene
Are these the same experts who've told us al Qaeda has 2,000, 5,000, 14,000, 30,000, 60,000, 500,000, 1 million and 2 million members? I think with the events of Sunday we can safely ignore them.
Posted
5:44 PM
by Gene
Dean Taps Clinton Aide Who Bungled Bin Laden Deal BIG caveat: this IS NewsMax.
Posted
5:40 PM
by Gene
Oh goody! Bias? What bias?
Posted
5:33 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:21 PM
by Gene
That's where they put out Kinsley.com -- among the other BUGS.
Posted
5:17 PM
by Gene
THE GREATEST FANTASY SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!How many names can you associate with The Wizard of Oz? Let's see: Judy Garland (how could you not?), Ray Bolger, Bert Lahr, Jack Haley, Margaret Hamilton, Billie Burke, Frank Morgan, the dog not named Toto, the Singer Midgets, Arthur Freed, Harold Arlen, E. Y. "Yip" Harburg, Victor Fleming, Mervyn LeRoy -- some may think King Vidor, others Buddy Ebsen, others Shirley Temple (who, after all, was offered the Dorothy part). A few diehards will recognize Herbert Stothart. Lots of names. Quick! How many names can you associate with C.G.I. Tolkien's imitation-Wagner-Ring-Cycle adolescent fantasies? Bzzzzzzzzzt! TIME'S UP! DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....
Posted
3:29 PM
by Gene
By New Hampshire it'll be $500 billion. By the convention it'll be $2 trillion. By the time he loses it'll be $100 trillion. Don't ask if he becomes president.
Posted
12:21 PM
by Gene
"Are there any positive stories on black men?" I screamed. I got my answer. The Grammys nominated 50 Cent for top rap artist of the year, a story that MSNBC.com put on its cover. The MESS was only pulling the old Orwell gag: WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. RAP IS GENIUS.
Posted
12:05 PM
by Gene
Sweet water from a foul well, blood from rocks, you pick the cliche.
Posted
11:10 AM
by Gene
Every time I hear the term "sophisticated romantic comedy" used by a studio publicist to describe a movie these days my heart sinks a little. Oh dear. Someone’s going to speak a little French and someone’s going to be Hollywood’s idea of a writer or intellectual and everyone is going to wear fabulous clothes and be knowledgeable about food and wine. There may even be shots of the Eiffel Tower with snow falling. How I wish, usually, that there were less sophistication and more comedy. Nancy Meyers’s Something’s [Gotta] Give has all these problems and another, even more serious one all its own. It is — how to put this delicately? — that watching Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton together is like watching your parents making love. Yecch!
Posted
11:08 AM
by Gene
I wonder which line will get the ad-blurb copywriters' dander up. Could it be: What might be told in three hours is now told in four -- and then split in half, to stoke the filmmaker's ego and further fuel the merchandising. OR: How did Sam and Frodo get separated from Gandalf and Aragorn again? Where's Saruman? And why exactly is everyone fighting so hard to preserve a land of hereditary rulers and cranky old guys in dresses? OR: The director's monsters are impressive, the battle scenes thrilling, and only a nitpicker would ever stop to think he or she has just paid $10 to, essentially, watch one CGI giant fight two CGI elves. Well Stephen, you're not supposed to NITPICK, you're supposed to RAVE RAVE RAVE ONE OF THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS IN FILM HISTORY. So much for doing 60-second blurbs on television.
Posted
10:27 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:23 AM
by Gene
Time to PRAY, Woodman! Better still do your weeping-willow routine.
Posted
10:11 AM
by Gene
I can see it now: the world's loudest richest biggest MOUTH pleading the Fifth. What delicious irony!
Posted
9:56 AM
by Gene
Bring back the Tinkertoys!
Posted
6:48 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:25 AM
by Gene
Translation: not even the greatest playwright in history, writing the greatest play in history, could wipe this scourge from the face of the earth. I rather didn't think so.
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