THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, November 15, 2003
Perhaps we're making progress: On a day with another dreadful helicopter accident or shootdown in Iraq, the Times' correspondent actually spends half his report discussing the political situation there, which has turned promising. I don't expect this to last; the news hacks won't see the forest for the Black Hawks.
A year ago I wrote an e-mail to the Mogul's Friend (I know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have bothered, he only answers stars and CEOs) predicting AOL's animated Looney Tunes flick would bomb. I based that on one line, a singularly unfunny and anachronistic "joke" that had the Friend rolling on the floor of the LALATimes' luxury news suite in pure abandon, in which an executive played by Jenna Elfman yells:
"Sell all my Warner Bros. stock! I got an inside tip that Daffy Duck is about to die!"
I don't have the e-mail -- BILL trashed it long ago -- but I remember writing something like this:
For such a line not to be anachronistic would depend on when the film is set. If it's set before 1967, the exec could say, "Sell all my Warner Bros. Pictures stock!" If it's set between 1967 and 1969, she could say, "Sell all my Warner Bros.-Seven Arts stock!" If it's set between 1969 and 1972, she could say, "Sell all my Kinney National Service stock!" If it's set between 1972 and 1990, she could say, "Sell all my Warner Communications stock!" If it's set between 1990 and 2000, she could say, "Sell all my Time Warner stock!" If it's set after 2000, she could say, "Sell all my -- never mind, it's worthless." [That would apply to the recent name change too.]
Well guess what? This "$100-million-plus film that is perhaps the most ambitious combination of live action and animation since Who Framed Roger Rabbit in 1988," this masterwork with its prime "position in the Warner Bros. firmament," is BOMBING AT THE BOX OFFICE. The public can tell between the real Warner Bros. cartoons and a fake. Just that one line marks this as an indisputable fraud. (The ad-blurb copywriters' raves confirm it.)
P. S. Not wanting to enrich JACK and his CONSPIRACY I don't know if this line made the final edit, but I wouldn't be surprised.
P. P. S. I wonder too whether the superdupermarketers at the CIA in ENCINO (i.e., the people who concoct JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP) may have hurt. Those secret agents gave this a PG, the same letters the Mogul's Friend berated AOL for using when it released Kangaroo Jack. Just as that batch of SOUP led innocent parents to believe they were paying to watch a family film, so this batch may have led people to think, what tricks are these folks up to with something that should be rated G? SLEAZEBALL GUMBO, ditch the SOUP NAZIS!
"Sell all my Warner Bros. stock! I got an inside tip that Daffy Duck is about to die!"
I don't have the e-mail -- BILL trashed it long ago -- but I remember writing something like this:
For such a line not to be anachronistic would depend on when the film is set. If it's set before 1967, the exec could say, "Sell all my Warner Bros. Pictures stock!" If it's set between 1967 and 1969, she could say, "Sell all my Warner Bros.-Seven Arts stock!" If it's set between 1969 and 1972, she could say, "Sell all my Kinney National Service stock!" If it's set between 1972 and 1990, she could say, "Sell all my Warner Communications stock!" If it's set between 1990 and 2000, she could say, "Sell all my Time Warner stock!" If it's set after 2000, she could say, "Sell all my -- never mind, it's worthless." [That would apply to the recent name change too.]
Well guess what? This "$100-million-plus film that is perhaps the most ambitious combination of live action and animation since Who Framed Roger Rabbit in 1988," this masterwork with its prime "position in the Warner Bros. firmament," is BOMBING AT THE BOX OFFICE. The public can tell between the real Warner Bros. cartoons and a fake. Just that one line marks this as an indisputable fraud. (The ad-blurb copywriters' raves confirm it.)
P. S. Not wanting to enrich JACK and his CONSPIRACY I don't know if this line made the final edit, but I wouldn't be surprised.
P. P. S. I wonder too whether the superdupermarketers at the CIA in ENCINO (i.e., the people who concoct JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP) may have hurt. Those secret agents gave this a PG, the same letters the Mogul's Friend berated AOL for using when it released Kangaroo Jack. Just as that batch of SOUP led innocent parents to believe they were paying to watch a family film, so this batch may have led people to think, what tricks are these folks up to with something that should be rated G? SLEAZEBALL GUMBO, ditch the SOUP NAZIS!
News hacks wouldn't report on things like "pet psychics" if news hacks didn't use them.
The poor palm plants in the luxury news suites must be going bonkers.
The poor palm plants in the luxury news suites must be going bonkers.
Larry Tisch, the Loews boss who drove CBS from Bill Paley nearly into the ground then into the arms of "Airhead" Jordan, then the ZON, then Sumner, has died. He bought the outfit because the "Legendary" Mouth from the South threatened to turn the network's glorious news division into a platform for loony-right nut cases. He later sold the company's records division (the only good thing he did -- but at a lowball price) because he couldn't stand its cocaine-snorting alcoholic boss, the "Legendary" Walter Yetnikoff, a man who invented gaudy gold chains. Sony got stuck with it. Good for them. His reign was one of mismanagement and decline. (Fittingly the Loews press release doesn't mention CBS.) Fortunately he sold to people who will live forever. RIP.
NFL fines six Titans $40K for 'choreographed celebration'
Some party.
They'd have been better off trashing a hotel room.
Some party.
They'd have been better off trashing a hotel room.
Now that the know-it-all "analysts" are lowering their estimates on Web music sales -- again -- perhaps we should admit the obvious: If people don't want to buy music on CDs, and they don't want to buy music online, maybe they don't want to buy music, PERIOD? And why would they not want to buy music? I have a faint hunch the answer has very little to do with technology.
Oh oh: Somebody speaks out on the @#$%&* SCREENER BAN:
Before home video, Oscar and other awards voters had to make do catching movies on the big screen. They have since become spoiled by awards screeners, but critics of the ban say that's not necessarily a bad thing.
"There's no such thing as too convenient," said Tom O'Neil, author of the book Movie Awards. "We're dealing with a group of people who are notoriously lazy and selfish and pampered in Hollywood. So to appeal to that laziness is shrewd."
You'll never appear in a puff piece in this town again.
Before home video, Oscar and other awards voters had to make do catching movies on the big screen. They have since become spoiled by awards screeners, but critics of the ban say that's not necessarily a bad thing.
"There's no such thing as too convenient," said Tom O'Neil, author of the book Movie Awards. "We're dealing with a group of people who are notoriously lazy and selfish and pampered in Hollywood. So to appeal to that laziness is shrewd."
You'll never appear in a puff piece in this town again.
The FORCES OF REACTION stop the construction of an abortion clinic.
Guess we'll have to find PRO-CHOICE BUILDERS who don't wear tattoos.
Guess we'll have to find PRO-CHOICE BUILDERS who don't wear tattoos.
Wait a second! Your guy in Iraq said they were all Christians and Americans. Why are you denying you did it?
OR: "It was not possible to verify the authenticity of the statement."
OR: News hacks make up for their utter sloth on Osama pre 9/11 buy giving credence to every "statement."
OR: "It was not possible to verify the authenticity of the statement."
OR: News hacks make up for their utter sloth on Osama pre 9/11 buy giving credence to every "statement."
Al Qaeda might join in the celebration, and I'm sure the hundreds of thousands of tantrum throwers will give them a warm welcome.
I can see the holy cockroaches doing something, and the commies and psychos blaming America instantly. Is there a plot brewing?
I can see the holy cockroaches doing something, and the commies and psychos blaming America instantly. Is there a plot brewing?
Friday, November 14, 2003
Inspired by the brilliant oratory of men who sleep standing up, PROF's co-production Lileks screams, "Unicameral house! Two year term! One term limit!" Some time ago a National Review writer suggested choosing our elected officials by lot. An excellent idea, as it might bring lost virtue back into our government, and take the professionals like SLIMEBALL GUMBO out of politics.
Is it me, or is a woman who turns on the faucet in public to sell her career not exactly someone you want to meet in a dark alley?
NOTE: I posted this before, with the picture from WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! off ThisisLondon.com, but I began to feel sorry for the woman, and I didn't have the heart to leave it up, but then all I have to remember is how every last infernal news organization practically falls down an dies to give this no-talent front-page exposure, all to sell them and her, and I don't feel sorry anymore. Besides, the picture was too big.
NOTE: I posted this before, with the picture from WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! off ThisisLondon.com, but I began to feel sorry for the woman, and I didn't have the heart to leave it up, but then all I have to remember is how every last infernal news organization practically falls down an dies to give this no-talent front-page exposure, all to sell them and her, and I don't feel sorry anymore. Besides, the picture was too big.
Buzz TWXster INSISTS: "News is a conversation. Let's say that again and etch it in brass: News is a conversation." Etching it in brass or on stone or having God rearrange the stars to spell it out won't change the truth: News is DICTATION. It's people telling us how to think and what to buy. It's a tidal wave of words, a force of nature no army of electronic peashooters can fight. It's a kazillion-dollar industry, evil brother of another kazillion-dollar industry, that broaches no criticism, that admits to no wrong, that just by existing is inalterably right. NEWS IS DICTATION.
The hack I'll always remember for knocking Rosemary Clooney says "great" art must be provocative. It's an argument he can't lose; who wants to be against great art? Problem is he writes for the Times, which demonstrates with nearly every single story that a badly written, artless, witless, humorless, self-centered, demagogic, deadly-dull newspaper can be provocative too.
A man who no doubt revels in letting clerks and interns sort through his death threats is back, this time complaining that al Qaeda killed Muslims (as I thought, but I'm wondering if that psycho wasn't right when he said the casualties were Christians) and thus undercut their moral superiority to the "indiscriminate" Americans. I suspect if MR. MARK handled the death threats rather than a clerk or intern -- he'd run him anyway, for MR. MARK has no sense.
I'd say both sides lost -- the Democrats for their continued petty intransigence, and the Republicans for running an expensive two-day tantrum. I guess that's how people get mad in the Beltway.
A GREAT DAY AT THE WASHINGTON POST: Today's op-ed section is a symphony of news-hack noodling, which they play with their feet on the desk and their brains in a cramp. Just as George Will broke the Buttman Institute's wind that no amount of sleazy money is too much to spend on campaigns, well, if his fellow multi-zillionaire E. J. doesn't break his wind one better, declaiming that President DAMN! is another Goldwater whose ignominious defeat (you sure?) presages his ultimate VICTORY in the ULTRA-LIBERALIZATION of America. To top it off, Charles Krauthammer's sense goes on vacation as he turns ad-blurb copywriter for what must be another CONSERVATIVE movie, and Little Whiny Richard decides he likes Pvt. Lynch because she TOLD OFF DUBYA. Can't you bozos do your daydreaming on some other cloud?
Some screaming meemie who claims to be a leading something or other for the hard-core Muslims' favorite freedom fighting group says his martyrs are about to kill ten million infidels and that they took care of at least 200 Americans in the Riyadh bombing, which suggests these guys spend far too much time in caves with goats.
Tom "Snidely Whiplash" DeLay has become such a cartoon-like embodiment of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL to liberals and news hacks that when he does something sleazy (as he frequently will) you can't take them seriously.
How are we served by one-party news hacks?
How are we served by one-party news hacks?
The good news is, JACK'S LEAVING!!!!!!!!!!!! The bad news is, he'll still be cooking his @#$%^& SOUP, plus SLIMEBALL GUMBO can't take over for a year because of fig-leaf rules against lobbying -- so JACK will remain effectively IN CHARGE. The interesting news is that JACK'S CONSPIRACY interviewed THE POWERFUL CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE RULES COMMITTEE, which suggests he'd like to date something stronger than Bo Derek. (Watch out for him; with his ultra-slick style he could be more dangerous than JACK.)
Does this mean JACK gets an honorary -- OSCAR®?!?!? Maybe he can get the one Bugs Bunny got.
And as a farewell gift The Hollywood Reporter bequeaths him an airball interview that reminds us that rag's had ethics problems.
P. S. It's a measure of how little people understand the entertainment industry, for all the puff pieces and rave reviews and insider baseball, that ArtsJournal.com blames something called "The Motion Picture Academy" for the @#$%^& SCREENER ban. If that's what JACK'S soapbox is called either it hands out easy A's or it should be shut down by the authorities.
Does this mean JACK gets an honorary -- OSCAR®?!?!? Maybe he can get the one Bugs Bunny got.
And as a farewell gift The Hollywood Reporter bequeaths him an airball interview that reminds us that rag's had ethics problems.
P. S. It's a measure of how little people understand the entertainment industry, for all the puff pieces and rave reviews and insider baseball, that ArtsJournal.com blames something called "The Motion Picture Academy" for the @#$%^& SCREENER ban. If that's what JACK'S soapbox is called either it hands out easy A's or it should be shut down by the authorities.
RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FAKES AN INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One would like to see the POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the News go at each other with brickbats, if that helps the newspaper culture; but all it will likely mean is a carny sideshow and unshakably conventional reporting.
One would like to see the POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the News go at each other with brickbats, if that helps the newspaper culture; but all it will likely mean is a carny sideshow and unshakably conventional reporting.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Microsoft Warns EU It May Get Substandard Windows
No, I can't say it, I MUSTN'T say it, ANYTHING but to say it -- OH well:
HOW WILL THEY KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?!?!?!?!?
No, I can't say it, I MUSTN'T say it, ANYTHING but to say it -- OH well:
HOW WILL THEY KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?!?!?!?!?
I know the knee-jerk social conservatives (as opposed to the Larry Kudlow knee-jerk economic conservatives, or the Vir-GIN-ia knee-jerk glibertarians) are in the fetal position over Judge Moore's fate. But he did what conservatives accuse too many judges of doing: he took the law into his own hands -- for the sake of a tacky monument.
Another example of news by anecdote. It might seem frivolous, but news hacks play their mind games by making the exceptional seem normal, or rather by giving the megaphone to the tall tale, thus increasing their stainless-steel-fist-in-titanium-glove power over us. That FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News is doing it says (for all of Andy S.'s idiot talk of SOUTH PARK CONSERVATISM and all of Buzz TWXster's idiot talk of "passionate news") RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and his sycophants are as hidebound as the worst news hack.
As I've said too many times before, what news hacks don't spin, they sell. Earlier I mentioned a NewsMax piece of junk not worth reading because it was so predictable. On the sell side, we're getting a ton of stories about an $11 million bra. These stories are really about an informercial whose ratings declined second outing from first, and which, like so many other PR stunts, must be drilled into our dear little ears by news hacks. If the Web's about anything, it's about managing time, and too many news hacks want to waste OURS.
Advertising groups are calling a consumer advocate's requests for better disclosure of product placement in TV shows "ludicrous" and "radical" and warn that the demands would make the programming "virtually unwatchable."
What do you think it is now?!?!?
What do you think it is now?!?!?
Remember the Saudi religious police who forced all those schoolgirls back in a burning school because they were partially "naked"? WELL, it seems our friends told the folks in that bombed-out residential compound they were under suspicion -- FOR THEIR WESTERN WAYS.
Think one of the crew called al Qaeda?
P. S. Most of the dead were Lebanese, which I guess makes them Western.
Think one of the crew called al Qaeda?
P. S. Most of the dead were Lebanese, which I guess makes them Western.
Great, Sprint! Just what the world needs -- TV on a cell phone.
Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you noticed that all the houses in those makeover programs end up looking much the same? Their hyperactive building crews seem united in a single mission: to prevent any place from resembling a home. The favoured look is coldly antiseptic - right out of a furniture store catalogue. It's as if we're being Ikea-ed and Freedom-ed to within an inch of our lives, and no house is safe.
As I was saying about light bulbs....
As I was saying about light bulbs....
NewsMax burps again:
Scholars' Study Nails Media Bias
Bernard Goldberg, author of the best-selling expose of the media's leftward tilt, "Bias," and his new shocker, "Arrogance," was right on targegt [sic] when he noted that the media regularly label Republicans as conservatives but seldom describe Democrats as liberals, say two scholars who studied the records of the New York Times and the Washington Post.
Writing in today's Wall Street Journal, David Brady, a senior fellow at the Hoover Institution and professor of political science at Stanford....
When I'm surfing the Web I don't want to waste my time. This story already shows it's going to be a complete waste of time because: 1. It cites a conservative favorite, 2. It's copied from the Wall Street Journals Conservative Edition, and 3. It quotes a wonk from a conservative think tank. The Web is a maze full of cul-de-sacs and sneaky tricks. I want to fill in the vast spaces of my ignorance. Why must so many on the Web be content to leave them empty?
Scholars' Study Nails Media Bias
Bernard Goldberg, author of the best-selling expose of the media's leftward tilt, "Bias," and his new shocker, "Arrogance," was right on targegt [sic] when he noted that the media regularly label Republicans as conservatives but seldom describe Democrats as liberals, say two scholars who studied the records of the New York Times and the Washington Post.
Writing in today's Wall Street Journal, David Brady, a senior fellow at the Hoover Institution and professor of political science at Stanford....
When I'm surfing the Web I don't want to waste my time. This story already shows it's going to be a complete waste of time because: 1. It cites a conservative favorite, 2. It's copied from the Wall Street Journals Conservative Edition, and 3. It quotes a wonk from a conservative think tank. The Web is a maze full of cul-de-sacs and sneaky tricks. I want to fill in the vast spaces of my ignorance. Why must so many on the Web be content to leave them empty?
I suppose one could be USA Okay about it and say this young slut has chosen an excellent way to start her show-biz career. One could also say there's been a screw loose in the Hiltons for some time; Nick Hilton spent his first wedded night with Liz Taylor getting drunk. One could also say (as does Buzz TWXster's confidante Howard) that she needs acting school and besides, she has a flat rump (and everything else which goes without saying). One could also say this very little girl needs a shrink, but that would be judgmental, and hinder our young hero (never heroine; mustn't be sexist) from getting rewarded in column-inches.
This story is well on its way to being unendurable and inescapable. I hope her fifteen minutes are up.
This story is well on its way to being unendurable and inescapable. I hope her fifteen minutes are up.
This man needs a good night's sleep.
So do 99 others.
It occurs to me: with senators, talking is sleeping.
When a conservative talks of bubble gum put your hand firmly on your wallet. George Will's brain goes on auto-pilot (as it does sometimes on that huge salary) over campaign finance reform, repeating the favorite excuse of the Buttman Institute. Just as greedy executives can never earn too much (so Larry Kudlow says), craven hack pols can never spend too much. Unfortunately, greedy executives can earn too much, and campaign costs have risen exponentially, and the money all goes to television (and EisnerCorp, George's favorite conflict of interest) -- and to the negative campaigning that keeps voters from the polls. And the trouble is, recent attempts to limit campaign spending are almost certainly unconstitutional. Does that mean unlimited campaign spending is good?
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
The founder of the Internet ticks Buzz TWXster off because he speaks ill of TV. "He's going to make me regret voting for him." Going to? What would push you over the edge, Buzz? If he took credit for creating TWX?
Al Franken considers move to Minnesota
Minnesota? FRANCE!
The comedian might run against Republican Sen. Norm Coleman in 2008.
JACQUES CHIRAC would tremble in his boots!
Minnesota? FRANCE!
The comedian might run against Republican Sen. Norm Coleman in 2008.
JACQUES CHIRAC would tremble in his boots!
Observations of the Week -- and something YOU could appreciate, SOB:
Apples [THE MAN's second "children's" "book"] tests the power of words carefully chosen: not in the text, which is dull, uninspiring, and poorly punctuated, but in the marketing that surrounds it....
In her dedication "to teachers everywhere," [THE MAN] acknowledges her kabbalistic source: "It is about the power of words. And how we must choose them carefully to avoid causing harm to others." (Too bad it is not about the power of punctuation. And how we must use it carefully to avoid sentence fragments.)....
And finally:
The folks at Callaway have good reason for their faith in the Holy Name: They published the scandalously best-selling Sex back in 1992. Of course, you won't read that on the book jacket. That's the power of words.
This all appears in an article in The Village Voice -- hardly a repository for unconventional wisdom.
Apples [THE MAN's second "children's" "book"] tests the power of words carefully chosen: not in the text, which is dull, uninspiring, and poorly punctuated, but in the marketing that surrounds it....
In her dedication "to teachers everywhere," [THE MAN] acknowledges her kabbalistic source: "It is about the power of words. And how we must choose them carefully to avoid causing harm to others." (Too bad it is not about the power of punctuation. And how we must use it carefully to avoid sentence fragments.)....
And finally:
The folks at Callaway have good reason for their faith in the Holy Name: They published the scandalously best-selling Sex back in 1992. Of course, you won't read that on the book jacket. That's the power of words.
This all appears in an article in The Village Voice -- hardly a repository for unconventional wisdom.
SOB will probably soon be belching another column in USA Okay bemoaning newspapers' loss of readership.
I have one solution, SOB: STOP TURNING HALF YOUR PAPERS OVER TO PR.
Oh, and here's a definition for you, SOB:
public relations
pl.n. Abbr. PR
1. (used with a sing. verb) The art or science of establishing and promoting a favorable relationship with the public.
2. (used with a pl. verb) The methods and activities employed to establish and promote a favorable relationship with the public.
3. (used with a sing. or pl. verb) The degree of success obtained in achieving a favorable relationship with the public.
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
I have one solution, SOB: STOP TURNING HALF YOUR PAPERS OVER TO PR.
Oh, and here's a definition for you, SOB:
public relations
pl.n. Abbr. PR
1. (used with a sing. verb) The art or science of establishing and promoting a favorable relationship with the public.
2. (used with a pl. verb) The methods and activities employed to establish and promote a favorable relationship with the public.
3. (used with a sing. or pl. verb) The degree of success obtained in achieving a favorable relationship with the public.
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
The Times gets a healthy dose of MR. SHAKEDOWN, only where he wanted to waste taxpayer money on a new exchange floor, the Times wants to waste it on even more luxurious news suites.
Sounds like a fair deal to me too.
One thing's sure: Larry Kudlow would be opposed. The Times is too liberal. (Or maybe he wouldn't; big business fleecing the taxpayer is always a good thing.)
Sounds like a fair deal to me too.
One thing's sure: Larry Kudlow would be opposed. The Times is too liberal. (Or maybe he wouldn't; big business fleecing the taxpayer is always a good thing.)
While the masses are unhooking from TWX Internet Service, the execs are unloading TWX stock.
Sounds like a fair deal to me.
Sounds like a fair deal to me.
QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! reaches -- THE CIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No one wants to make light of our difficulties bringing stability to Iraq, and Dubya and Rummy never had a true contingency plan. Problem is, during the war this same CIA told senators -- who then told Norman Thomas's grandson -- that THE ARAB STREET WOULD RISE IN TOTAL INDIGNATION. The CIA, let us not forget, SAW 9/11 COMING.
SHUT UP, LANGLEY, and go back to your classified acrostics.
No one wants to make light of our difficulties bringing stability to Iraq, and Dubya and Rummy never had a true contingency plan. Problem is, during the war this same CIA told senators -- who then told Norman Thomas's grandson -- that THE ARAB STREET WOULD RISE IN TOTAL INDIGNATION. The CIA, let us not forget, SAW 9/11 COMING.
SHUT UP, LANGLEY, and go back to your classified acrostics.
Christian Slater’s Head Split Open By His Wife
And if I know these show-biz types it didn't make him any smarter.
And if I know these show-biz types it didn't make him any smarter.
IAEA: Iran secretly made nuclear material
The beginning of the end for THE EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL ZIONISTS?
Have the dimwitted mullahs ever thought what would happen if they nuked Israel? Have they ever thought of it? They probably think the whole nation will climb to the heavens on the arms of a mass of virgins to meet up with the Ayatollah Khomeini. And it's true Iran would climb to the heavens -- but not quite the way it expected. Have the imbeciles ever thought of it?
The beginning of the end for THE EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL ZIONISTS?
Have the dimwitted mullahs ever thought what would happen if they nuked Israel? Have they ever thought of it? They probably think the whole nation will climb to the heavens on the arms of a mass of virgins to meet up with the Ayatollah Khomeini. And it's true Iran would climb to the heavens -- but not quite the way it expected. Have the imbeciles ever thought of it?
I finally dumped TWX Internet Service. Today its much-vaunted 9.0 BLOATWARE refused to come on. Plus it's more difficult to restart after the usual disconnects. The heck with PEOPLE MAGAZINE. I switched to AT&T.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I just bought my first energy-saving light bulb, on sale for $5 at a Rong-Aid; it's supposed to last ten times longer than a conventional bulb and consume a quarter of the juice, and it comes with a five-year warranty. This GE Bancorp product (made in China, natch) makes me doubt Little Jeffrey will be in light bulbs very much longer. On the other hand, given the mania for redecorating, will people want to buy light bulbs that outlast their lamps?
The Web multi-zillionaire WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is threatening to sue the megalomaniacs behind that @#$%&* HBO show on Washington. In typical Beltway fashion, this fight has no heroes.
The pile of scum named Flynt has reversed itself on printing those alleged pictures of Pvt. Lynch, no doubt because it didn't have the pictures to print, and if it did, it would have been paralyzed from the neck up too.
And the biz is in a tiz because TV stations are charging for interviews. That has the virtue of honest greed, unlike this kind of PR malarkey, which is always dishonest.
And the biz is in a tiz because TV stations are charging for interviews. That has the virtue of honest greed, unlike this kind of PR malarkey, which is always dishonest.
I see Art Carney has died, and his "very private" family only now informs the world, after the burial. He started with Horace Heidt's band in a vocal quartet, and after lots of radio work wound up with Jackie Gleason and sitcom immortality. In time he became an Ac-TOR and won an Academy Award®. His career proves that when people hit on things by accident, greatness occurs. Where would Art Carney have been without Jackie Gleason -- or vice versa?
What's the difference between THIS press release and THIS press release?
Of course! One of them isn't a press release!
Of course! One of them isn't a press release!
Son of Osama Channel shows a tape of the heroic Afghan freedom fighters -- pardon, the Freedom Fighter Fighters doing a number on the evil forces of the Great Satan!
So remember, whenever Muslims bomb other Muslims, it's all for a GOOD CAUSE.
So remember, whenever Muslims bomb other Muslims, it's all for a GOOD CAUSE.
Among Saudis, Attack Has Soured Qaeda Supporters
If that breed of self-centered self-flaggelating holier-than-thou would-be oil tycoons isn't among the dumbest on earth, it's in the running.
If that breed of self-centered self-flaggelating holier-than-thou would-be oil tycoons isn't among the dumbest on earth, it's in the running.
Maybe here's why: the news hacks who go teddy-bear squooshy over them ordinary make-believe pee-pul from good ol' Mayberry are THE SAME FOLKS WHO GOT US OUT OF VIETNAM, the Vietnamese be damned, the Cambodians be damned, the Laotians be damned -- OUR VETERANS BE DAMNED. (Don't forget what TODAY is.) This is more than misplaced nostalgia for a time before they helped screw up the world; this is another attempt to rig history so they're not responsible for their actions. Prof. Gelernter, WHY DON'T YOU WRITE MORE?
I don't know where the PR types get this idea that Andy Griffith's show was a colossus for the ages -- possibly because time's distance permits it to tower over today's electronic pigmys. (Possibly also because it allows snobby six- and seven-digit news hacks to pull their fake Our Town routine to prove they're pee-pul too.) No, it was bubble gum for the soul, simple, predictable, unfunny, inoffensive. Saying that it's a cove of refuge in a topsy-turvy world is dime-store news-hack philosophy. To be sure, its celebrated cast deserves credit for taking peoples' minds off their problems, and I revere ol' Andy as much as anyone, but the fact that TV couldn't do better when it could have made a difference (Andy premiered a year before Newton Minow's "vast wasteland" speech) is a reason it's so much worse now.
NewsMax cites a list from something it calls www.BoycottBush.com of thirty top campaign contributors to Republicans. Even if the list is valid, it's meaningless: these companies contribute equally craven amounts to Dems in the event THEY get elected. And I suspect Enron isn't giving much money to political campaigns these days.
By the way, it's www.BoycottBush.org, you dolts.
By the way, it's www.BoycottBush.org, you dolts.
During that gathering of young airheads called Rock the Vote, TWX Cable News planted a dumb question about computers.
FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News would have done it right! Those folks would have planted a dumb question about American Idol.
FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News would have done it right! Those folks would have planted a dumb question about American Idol.
The MORONS at the newsweeklies should have a whole omelet on their faces. School kids comprise, what? Half of their audience? And it's a captive audience; they're forced to subscribe to their fifth-rate hackwork so their teachers can get free rags. What better readers to target with cigarette ads? Now that you've been caught with your ethics down please go back to plugging movies, smearing Dubya and those fictitious college rankings.
And fix your Web sites. When I clicked on a "publishing schedule" for TWX Newsmagazine's "teacher's guide" up popped a banner ad for Michelob Light.
And fix your Web sites. When I clicked on a "publishing schedule" for TWX Newsmagazine's "teacher's guide" up popped a banner ad for Michelob Light.
United Airlines is starting a new budget carrier -- and it's calling it Ted.
Lord Koppel of Eisner and Mouth from the South are consulting their lawyers. (Not to mention The Greedy Estate of Dr. Seuss.)
Lord Koppel of Eisner and Mouth from the South are consulting their lawyers. (Not to mention The Greedy Estate of Dr. Seuss.)
Monday, November 10, 2003
I'll say it again: businessmen fleeing in panic helped ruin our cities, and no doubt they're grumbling about being asked to come back, pleading poverty and demanding taxpayer handouts with each new grumble, but these morons DID help ruin our cities, and they owe it to cities to make amends.
I suppose one should chuckle or go awwwwww, but to me being cremated and buried in a Tasmanian Devil cookie jar is another way people think they're being DIFFERENT when they're all just the same, with a touch of the crass to boot.
Unfortunately no one seems to have posted the lyrics to Allan Sherman's "The Rebel," but that's precisely what I have in mind.
Unfortunately no one seems to have posted the lyrics to Allan Sherman's "The Rebel," but that's precisely what I have in mind.
Here's more conservative blather, from the usually ham-handed Fred Barnes. Since Ronald Reagan "founded the pro-life movement," what does it have to show for it? Abortions have held pretty much steady since his first inauguration. Only now is it gaining traction, in the jerks and spurts of parental notification decrees and the partial-birth-abortion ban -- and these could well be overturned by the Nine Fingers in the Wind. I would not wager that the "right" to abortion will be overturned anytime soon, as it's become the raison d'etre of modern liberalism and all its mouthpieces, but also because it's so firmly rooted in the culture of utilitarian convenience.
More clever writing from Kinsley.com: a former high-level wonk worries that holy cockroaches could use SAMs on domestic aircraft -- a justifiable worry. But he doesn't exactly make his case airtight with a passage like this, toward the end:
In the Washington Post last October, I wrote, "Even with U.S. special forces combing the country, the collapse of the Iraqi regime could prove to be the greatest proliferation disaster in history." I was thinking about chemical or biological weapons materials—back then everyone was sure they were present—that I thought might be "privatized" by unhappy former security service colonels.
In so many words this is conjecture. This is why stories about QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! filled with words like "former" and "retired" are next to useless. Nor does Kinsley.com serve its readers with its typically cute reference that this former wonk served on the National Security Council staff for an unmentioned president. Guess which president. (He's also a veteran NEWS HACK.) It's little things like these that make us scream at the hacks, even the Internet kind.
In the Washington Post last October, I wrote, "Even with U.S. special forces combing the country, the collapse of the Iraqi regime could prove to be the greatest proliferation disaster in history." I was thinking about chemical or biological weapons materials—back then everyone was sure they were present—that I thought might be "privatized" by unhappy former security service colonels.
In so many words this is conjecture. This is why stories about QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! filled with words like "former" and "retired" are next to useless. Nor does Kinsley.com serve its readers with its typically cute reference that this former wonk served on the National Security Council staff for an unmentioned president. Guess which president. (He's also a veteran NEWS HACK.) It's little things like these that make us scream at the hacks, even the Internet kind.
We're finding out more about our politicos than we want to know: not only do we learn Rep. Cowface Flipflop's a bachelor (with that mug it figures), he's also a vegan (which figures too).
Or to paraphrase a poem inspired by the last bachelor to occupy the White House, Grover Cleveland:
Ma! Ma! Where's my lunch?
Gone to the White House (munch munch munch)!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Or to paraphrase a poem inspired by the last bachelor to occupy the White House, Grover Cleveland:
Ma! Ma! Where's my lunch?
Gone to the White House (munch munch munch)!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
These three leading charlatans of business spend $11.02 BILLION so a network executive can say, TV ZUCKS!
IN MANY LANGUAGES!
IN MANY LANGUAGES!
Can Magic Markers bring down this Sony copy-protection scheme?
Or will it be something more mundane, like Bic pens?
Or will it be something more mundane, like Bic pens?
Sorry PROF, Miss Afghanistan did NOT win the Miss Earth pageant (whatever that is), but she did win an award.
And you LINK to the story!
I guess big-name bloggers can make mistakes.
And PROF sloppily corrected his error!
And you LINK to the story!
I guess big-name bloggers can make mistakes.
And PROF sloppily corrected his error!
Here's one for the Who Moved My Cheese? crowd. This should convince every businesspoop that "diversity" is all about smiley faces of different colors.
Speaking of BLUNDER, what's going on with NewsMax? Those conspiracy theorists believe it?
On second thought, I can believe that Vice-President Inside's running a shadow government. The problem is, when a BLUNDER is given God's word, you're convinced the Devil has spoken.
On second thought, I can believe that Vice-President Inside's running a shadow government. The problem is, when a BLUNDER is given God's word, you're convinced the Devil has spoken.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
My taste is no better than your taste, but if I write for the Times, then you KNOW MY taste is a HECKUVALOT BETTER than YOURS.
Certainly a heckuvalot weirder.
Certainly a heckuvalot weirder.
Make that TWO Headlines of the Week -- this one courtesy of SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX:
Partisan gap is at a high, poll finds
Partisan gap is at a high, poll finds
Headline of the Week:
Riyadh Blast Shows Saudi Arabia a Target
Oh.
(Not that it would be obvious at Reuters -- The Freedom Fighter Fighter's Friend™.)
Riyadh Blast Shows Saudi Arabia a Target
Oh.
(Not that it would be obvious at Reuters -- The Freedom Fighter Fighter's Friend™.)
Hacks like A. O. Scott or Bernard Weinraub are reasons enough that paying for your news is an increasingly dubious proposition.
A BLUNDER COLUMNIST SAYS DUBYA HAS "A GOOD IDEA"?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Or as he puts it:
Sometimes I think that president bush’s [sic] critics need to put up a sign somewhere in their rooms that reads: “Some things are true even if George W. Bush believes them.” A visceral dislike for the president is boxing many otherwise sensible people into a corner because they cannot bring themselves to agree with anything he says. How else to explain the churlish reaction among so many.
Like Norman Thomas's grandson, James Dickey's son, and STRYKER. Not that I'd call them sensible.
ENOUGH ON BLUNDER.
Or as he puts it:
Sometimes I think that president bush’s [sic] critics need to put up a sign somewhere in their rooms that reads: “Some things are true even if George W. Bush believes them.” A visceral dislike for the president is boxing many otherwise sensible people into a corner because they cannot bring themselves to agree with anything he says. How else to explain the churlish reaction among so many.
Like Norman Thomas's grandson, James Dickey's son, and STRYKER. Not that I'd call them sensible.
ENOUGH ON BLUNDER.
Let's see, Norman Thomas's grandson, James Dickey's son, STRYKER -- yes, I'd say BLUNDER is a pretty good magazine.
And I've got news for you, BUZZ: James Dickey's son IS the Paris bureau chief -- unless this is supposed to be some kind of inside joke (as Entertainment Weekly was).
And I've got news for you, BUZZ: James Dickey's son IS the Paris bureau chief -- unless this is supposed to be some kind of inside joke (as Entertainment Weekly was).
Ooooh, an ATWOLA rag columnist (I guess we'll have to call it TWA from now on) blasts fellow synergian LARRY KING for wasting TWX money on -- THE PARANORMAL!!!!!
Wait! Didn't King Richard reach an agreement with the Scientologists?
Wait! Didn't King Richard reach an agreement with the Scientologists?
This is why talk of the POWER OF BLOGGING is whistling in the dark. BLUNDER is owned by BuffettMedia, which now takes in more money telling high-school kids how to cheat on their SATs than it does from its flagship paper; and IT, in turn, is owned by WARREN BUFFETT, who's out to CHANGE THE WORLD -- ONE ACQUISITION AT A TIME! What is the peashooter against billions?
How in heaven’s name do you describe “Angels in America” without taking up this entire magazine?
The next time, just DO IT! It'll get the dollar signs glowing in MR. MARK'S eyes.
And have him put something on the COVER.
The next time, just DO IT! It'll get the dollar signs glowing in MR. MARK'S eyes.
And have him put something on the COVER.
SHUCKS, MR. MARK, can't put show-biz on the cover AGAIN, this week -- Devin's favorite movie didn't exactly cause people to gun down the box-office -- but we've got a pretty good substitute: a SHADY, EXTREMIST VICE-PRESIDENT leading a nation to an UNJUSTIFIED WAR!!!!! (Co-written by Norman Thomas's grandson.)
I'm waiting for THEIR spin on Ronald Reagan.
I'm waiting for THEIR spin on Ronald Reagan.
More holy behavior.
Now you've done it! You've made the Saudis really MAD! Now they're going to...what?
(More excellence from news hacks, too. The number of dead ranges from one to thirty.)
The interview with Russell Crowe was supposed to last 45 minutes, maybe longer, the publicist said. Sometimes, the 39-year-old New Zealander gets talking and doesn't stop. Alas, it ended on about the 32nd minute, just after I broached the subject of his evolving public makeover from home wrecker and sometime thug to mellowing newlywed and expectant father.
I think we can make that up by saying what a swell guy Russ is, as we're supposed to.
I think we can make that up by saying what a swell guy Russ is, as we're supposed to.
I wouldn't worry, Mogul's Friend; if your beloved industry could survive television, your friends JACK and his Conspiracy can survive file sharing, though not before antagonizing old enemies and making new ones.
The Times puts the ® in Oscar® nine months after I did.
Of course a Kinsley.com writer gets it wrong. The problem isn't that there are too many awards shows (although God knows there are); the problem is Hollywood still had glamour when the Oscars® first aired on television, and now with every overpaid cinematic thespian in jeans and tattoos, the glamour is gone; combined with the fact that the ceremony's limited to arthouse entries, for the industry stopped producing adult entertainments decades ago, so is the need to watch the Oscars®.
Of course a Kinsley.com writer gets it wrong. The problem isn't that there are too many awards shows (although God knows there are); the problem is Hollywood still had glamour when the Oscars® first aired on television, and now with every overpaid cinematic thespian in jeans and tattoos, the glamour is gone; combined with the fact that the ceremony's limited to arthouse entries, for the industry stopped producing adult entertainments decades ago, so is the need to watch the Oscars®.