THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, November 29, 2003
Here's a good one: Sunspot.net runs a story about some worried politcos who don't want one of the Clunker Brothers to pull a plant out of Maryland -- and up pops this ad:
HARDY HAR HAR!!!!!
P. S. The plant makes vans.
HARDY HAR HAR!!!!!
P. S. The plant makes vans.
DAN RATHER MAY END ANCHOR RUN NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!!!!
Considering how the folks at EisnerCorp play this flack like an amplified Strad (oooooooooh!), I don't believe one word he says.
In another of its acclaimed advertorials, Barron's (which, being part of the Dow Jones empire and superior to us plebeians, refuses to make itself available to Web hobos) sells Gannett -- where the accent is on NET!!!!! -- as the Cheap Channel of print, as though it isn't already.
Here is why periodicals are obsolete: when you can get the whole gist of an article from the cover blurb, and the article doesn't sound appetizing, who needs newsprint?
Here is why periodicals are obsolete: when you can get the whole gist of an article from the cover blurb, and the article doesn't sound appetizing, who needs newsprint?
Heiress Paris Hilton and pal Nicole Richie trade the high life for farm life in this fun, irrestible reality series from Fox. [Hollywood Reporter front page]
If we're going to run press releases at least let's spell them right.
If we're going to run press releases at least let's spell them right.
WHY ARE POP CHRISTMAS SONGS INTOLERABLE? The standard explanations won't do -- that the Christmas season's one long shopping spree, and the platitudes of the songs are the platitudes of corrupt businessmen; that they're overexposed and inescapable, especially now with FOREGROUND MUZAK. Certainly the notion of America enveloped in DOOM and GLOOM and ENNUI won't do; Tom Lehrer and Stan Freberg wrote their very sour takes on Christmas in the late fifties, before our favorite assassination. No, the best explanation is that the songs are FLAT-OUT BAD. Christ was born to provide fodder for Lawrence Welk. Consider that none of the great Broadway songwriters ever wrote a hit Christmas tune -- save Irving Berlin; the holiday perfectly fit a lyrical style that at its worst echoes a rhyming dictionary ("Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/Stand beside her,/And guide her," etc., etc., etc.). The songs also brought out the most crass in the record industry as it entered its fat years in the fifties, a time when Mitch Miller thought it cute to have Ol' Blue sing a duet with a dog. You can't think of Meredith Willson's utterly corny "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" without the cute pizzicato strings and the cute flutes and the cute xylophone and Johnny Mathis with a two-second reverb and a clothespin on his larynx. (When Willson wrote his Christmas musical Here's Love twelve years later his depleted inspiration made him re-use it, proof that the holiday does not bring out the best in musicians.) Even the very few good Christmas tunes suffer from guilt by association. Arthur Fiedler turned Leroy Anderson's "Sleigh Ride" into an exciting, bracing mini-tone poem, but everywhere else Mitchell Parish's lyrics kick in, with their fakery of farmers and pumpkin pie and Currier and Ives, and it's back to the land of hack arrangements by Ralph Carmichael and the ooohing and aaahing of the angelic chorus. "The Christmas Song" (not great, but pretty good) marks the beginning of Nat "King" Cole's transformation from a jazzman of the first rank to an automatic molasses dispenser. Elvis, who frequently performed bad songs at half-mast, was the perfect pop Christmas singer, oozing the drivel out like a particularly unctuous undertaker soothing a dead body's relative, or a relative's dead body. And let us not forget the KIDDIE TUNES, which seem to have birthed AUDREY'S MONSTER, sound-alike songs like "Frosty the Snowman" (you can hear the songwriters cutting a deal on the tune) and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," whose title character originated at a now-defunct department-store chain (Montgomery Ward). One of the great mysteries of popular music is how Haven Gillespie and J. Fred Coots survived a piece of junk like "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" to write the immortal "You Go To My Head"; by rights their next tune should have been written by Bob Merrill. (Look up the tune in ASCAP's ACE directory and you find a veritable army of the tiresome acts that buried it: the Ames Brothers, Brenda Lee, Ray Conniff, Liberace, Guy Lombardo, the Mills Brothers -- and yes, I include Bruce.) While it is true that familiarity breeds contempt, the contempt starts early when those familiar notes in your brain are so contemptible.
STUPIDS decide to ditch their tattoos after risking stares and hepatitis and wasting dollars and advertising space on a jilted significant other.
I do not think God intended purple to be a skin color.
I do not think God intended purple to be a skin color.
It seems more than ever fandom is dominated by PHREAKS -- the Star Bores phreaks, the high-toned-literary-sword-and-sorcerer-fantasy phreaks, the video-game phreaks, the WACKO phreaks, and increasingly, the OPERA PHREAKS, who've turned an art form into an orgy of travel and spending and cheap obsessions.
GET A LIFE!
GET A LIFE!
AUDREY'S MONSTER is so bad one ad-blurb copywriter recommends it in place of psychoactive drugs for kids.
Next Saturday, that letter to the chairman of Hershey's. I'll start drafting it today.
Next Saturday, that letter to the chairman of Hershey's. I'll start drafting it today.
Larry King, the most overrated interviewer of all time, celebrates his 70th -- no, not wife, birthday -- which reminds us of other "popular" personalities from Don McNeil to Arthur Godfrey to Henry Morgan to Jack Paar to Johnny Carson to Phil Donahue, largely forgotten (for the most part justly) and in some cases scorned. (Arthur Godfrey -- wasn't he the guy that fired somebody on the air?) I'll wager when people no longer celebrate Larry's birthday (or Oprah's) he'll be happily forgotten and scorned -- for the low-IQ softball questions, the self-parody of his USA Okay column, and the utterly prone attitude toward everyone but his fans. Here's more proof that in show-biz overly lucky people can conquer a complete dearth of talent to pester us forever. Blow out the candles, Larry.
Friday, November 28, 2003
In our Show-Biz Suck-Up watch, a UPI (pffh-hh-hh!) correspondent frets over this years's "mediocre" box office, and mentions the poor quality of the product -- IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH!
Give the scribbler dinner with KEN FELATTA at Morton's!
Give the scribbler dinner with KEN FELATTA at Morton's!
Speaking of sponge listening after two weeks (my usual sloth) I tried disconnecting from TWX Internet Service and got a smarmily apologetic lady who convinced me to accept two free months. The more I think of it the angrier I get; how could I be so gullible? Between this and my blog I may as well wear a dunce cap in public. I can't even use the TWX service because that means I have to reinstall its mammoth BLOATWARE, and then it conflicts with AT&T's. Why can't these frauds take my NO for an answer? They've already taken several millions.
A serious blogger should keep talk of his private life -- even his private mental life -- as hushed as possible; but as I said, getting one hit in two days will do this to you.
A serious blogger should keep talk of his private life -- even his private mental life -- as hushed as possible; but as I said, getting one hit in two days will do this to you.
Getting one visitor in two days has not only taken the wind out of my sails, it's shredded the sails, sawed off the masts and infested the whole boat with termites. Is my blog that bad? I wonder if I'd be better off with random typing, perhaps getting my cat to play with my keyboard. Judging from other blogs I'd do just as well. I can't give up; I've been scrounging madly for webdexes and other sites where I could post my address. I'm thinking too of including an e-mail address, but with my luck my first missive would be a death threat. I'm even thinking of pleading with a few of the self-selected biggies just to put my blog on their lists, but that I fear would be the equivalent of sponge listening, and my only replies would be form e-mails; nonetheless I may do it soon. I guess I've made fool enough of myself with my ramblings. I plod on.
Last week I got annoyed with AUDREY'S MONSTER because of all the superdupermegamarketing around it. WELL, the latest BO stats have come out (BO means body odor too), and if AUDREY and her stupid CAT don't come in in third place, two places behind Elf, which occupied the houses of ill repute from two weeks prior -- and that's playing in fewer of them than before. It was only the only piece of jun -- MOVIE in the top 10 to decline from Wednesday to Thursday. It's official: the superdupermegamarketing HURT AUDREY'S MONSTER.
A week from tomorrow, pending further body o -- BOX OFFICE, I'm posting a letter I'm sending to the chairman of Hershey's. Be warned.
A week from tomorrow, pending further body o -- BOX OFFICE, I'm posting a letter I'm sending to the chairman of Hershey's. Be warned.
You're a Democrat. You need blacks. You need gays. Blacks don't like the idea of gay marriage.
What do you do?
What do you do?
This will get the conspiracy theorists mad: FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News covered Dubya's supersecret Iraq visit -- but not CNN. How thoughtful of somebody.
Automakers plan to make SUVs more 'compatible' in crashes
I don't know that people will like this; one reason SUVs are popular is that they let you rule the road from on high. Take away that pleasure and SUVs become, well, two-left-footed station wagons -- which may be the intention.
Not that it's that bad an idea; I view SUVs as Osamamobiles. All the fuel they waste helps finance the holy cockroaches.
I don't know that people will like this; one reason SUVs are popular is that they let you rule the road from on high. Take away that pleasure and SUVs become, well, two-left-footed station wagons -- which may be the intention.
Not that it's that bad an idea; I view SUVs as Osamamobiles. All the fuel they waste helps finance the holy cockroaches.
GLOUCESTER, England (Reuters) - British anti-terror police raided a second house in southwest England on Friday as they questioned a suspected would-be suicide bomber whom the government says may be linked to al Qaeda.
Police forensic experts entered a flat above a shop in this quiet country town, 90 miles west of London, and also carried out a second search of a house just 200 yards away, where explosives were found on Thursday.
In London, they continued to question a 24-year-old Muslim man....
STOP!!!!! You're NOT supposed to say TERROR, and you're NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY MUSLIM!!!!!!!!!!
Police forensic experts entered a flat above a shop in this quiet country town, 90 miles west of London, and also carried out a second search of a house just 200 yards away, where explosives were found on Thursday.
In London, they continued to question a 24-year-old Muslim man....
STOP!!!!! You're NOT supposed to say TERROR, and you're NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY MUSLIM!!!!!!!!!!
BAGHDAD (Reuters) - A mortar attack on a U.S. base in Iraq killed an American soldier on Friday, hours after President Bush....
Do I hear the cry from the Reuters camp? HooRAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
Do I hear the cry from the Reuters camp? HooRAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
Corporate America! When you call Dell, you may STILL HEAR AN ACCENT ON THE LINE!
The knee-jerk conservatives who say government has a monopoly on bureaucratic behavior have never investigated big business.
The knee-jerk conservatives who say government has a monopoly on bureaucratic behavior have never investigated big business.
Democrats Temper Praise for Bush Visit With Criticism
Translation: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Translation: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
"It's quite good. Nah it's fantastic! It's amazing, it's definitely the best!!!!!"
OR:
IT'S COLOSSAL, SUPENDOUS, TREMENDOUS, OUTSTANDING, TERRIFIC -- and it's good, too.
And it'll win THE OSCAR® -- because it's the tallest Pygmy in the crowd.
OR:
IT'S COLOSSAL, SUPENDOUS, TREMENDOUS, OUTSTANDING, TERRIFIC -- and it's good, too.
And it'll win THE OSCAR® -- because it's the tallest Pygmy in the crowd.
It appears the "top officials" have come up with a new way of doing the color-code-alert routine: now they talk about "spectacular" attacks.
Face it, these guys don't know any more about when terrorists will strike than I do. (We're talking the FBI and the CIA, remember.) This is why we can't let our guard down over the holy cockroaches: they have the fortitude and the desire -- and we may not.
Face it, these guys don't know any more about when terrorists will strike than I do. (We're talking the FBI and the CIA, remember.) This is why we can't let our guard down over the holy cockroaches: they have the fortitude and the desire -- and we may not.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
I figure if people can do without my diatribes (click on Site Meter below; I'm thinking of removing it) they can do without the celebrities'.
By contrast to Sen. Rodham (one suspects) our forces seem to have been a lot happier with Dubya's secret visit. I'll say it again, I don't like the Dubya's penchant for cloak-and-daggering about everything, but given what happened to a few of our choppers and that DHL jet lately (and the presence of forces from The Osama Channel) I'd say secrecy was pretty well justified.
Now the Malthusians threaten water shortages.
Perhaps if we wiped humans off the face of the earth we wouldn't have these problems. God knows some people are trying. Including scientists.
Perhaps if we wiped humans off the face of the earth we wouldn't have these problems. God knows some people are trying. Including scientists.
The nine Democratic presidential candidates all consider themselves religious, though most keep their faith and spiritual views to themselves when campaigning.
Translation: most of the CORE sorta kinda maybe believes in God -- at BEST.
Translation: most of the CORE sorta kinda maybe believes in God -- at BEST.
It would be cynical to accuse Sen. Rodham of running for president, but what was (s)he doing visiting our forces in Afghanistan? And what must they have thought?
A ghostwriter using the name of Warren Christopher (Warren who? The actor? Oh yes, I remember -- The Piano Bar Man) suggests in so many words that our war in Iraq was wrong and that we should bend over backwards to appease the League of Nations, which would allow us to place our collective head between our legs. Rather like Warren.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
The two sides of USA OKAY -- the Web site, that is (like father, like son):
MAYO CLINIC OFFICIAL PREDICTS WORST FLU SEASON IN 30 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BRITNEY SPEARS ALBUM DEBUTS AT NO. 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is what Buzz T. Newhouse may have had in mind when he complained about TV news,
I can skip that stupid busiest-travel-day-of-the-year story today. And I can skip those stupid busiest-shopping-days-of-the-year on Friday and the day after Christmas. I'll also skip most city-digs-out-after-blizzard stories, thank you. And I'll admit that I'm not getting much out of the conjoined-twins-separated-in-long-and-risky-operation stories, either.
This, of course, isn't really news. Neither is much of USA OKAY.
MAYO CLINIC OFFICIAL PREDICTS WORST FLU SEASON IN 30 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BRITNEY SPEARS ALBUM DEBUTS AT NO. 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is what Buzz T. Newhouse may have had in mind when he complained about TV news,
I can skip that stupid busiest-travel-day-of-the-year story today. And I can skip those stupid busiest-shopping-days-of-the-year on Friday and the day after Christmas. I'll also skip most city-digs-out-after-blizzard stories, thank you. And I'll admit that I'm not getting much out of the conjoined-twins-separated-in-long-and-risky-operation stories, either.
This, of course, isn't really news. Neither is much of USA OKAY.
You learn something new every day: You can't change the battery on an iPod -- and to get it fixed costs between $49 (for a "third-party" kit) and $255 (from Apple Computer)! The whizzes who found this out have their own site too (figures).
Me? I've been looking into MiniDisc.
Me? I've been looking into MiniDisc.
Next on the news hacks' agenda: unisex (or should that be quadrasex?) bathrooms. I wonder though where men and women would fit in.
FATSO wrote this editorial too:
Given the conflicting values, interests and political allegiances involved in major legislation, it is improbable that any bill is ever perfect by any one individual's standard. We live in a democracy, not a dictatorship — which necessitates compromise and blahblahblah....
Why didn't you just write "The perfect is the enemy of the good," which you'd find in the Congressional Record at least 20,000 in the last five years (you'd know about Congress, FATSO)? It does seem odd too, FATSO, that you write so soothingly about compromise on the same day you STICK IT TO THE DEMS!!!!!
Another SOUTH PARK CONSERVATIVE!
Given the conflicting values, interests and political allegiances involved in major legislation, it is improbable that any bill is ever perfect by any one individual's standard. We live in a democracy, not a dictatorship — which necessitates compromise and blahblahblah....
Why didn't you just write "The perfect is the enemy of the good," which you'd find in the Congressional Record at least 20,000 in the last five years (you'd know about Congress, FATSO)? It does seem odd too, FATSO, that you write so soothingly about compromise on the same day you STICK IT TO THE DEMS!!!!!
Another SOUTH PARK CONSERVATIVE!
BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH....
South Park Crunchy Cons vs. Consequentialist Bobos vs. the Death of the Two-Party System as We Know it: The L.A. Times, which today produced its most interesting (to me) Sunday edition in memory, ran a Column Left-Column Right deal in the Opinion section about whether there's some New Whatever regarding right-wingers and popular culture. Batting for the southpaws, the easily dislikable (to me) Neal Gabler argued: "Conservative revolution? No -- just dazzlingly effective PR," and scored some points that weren't all implausible....Batting for the Right was Brian Anderson, in a condensed update of his lengthy City Journal Piece (which I talked about a while back). All of which is interesting, or not … I guess I'm more concerned right now with the need to label micro movements-within-movements. Who does it more, lefties or righties? Seems to me the Right is always coming up with some new appellation, whether it's the Crunchy Cons (conservatives can be yuppies, too!), or Birkenstock Burkeans (sometimes the conservative hippies smell!), or Andrew Sullivan's Eagles (fiscally conservative, socially liberal, war-mongering hard-to-holds!), Jonathan Rauch's apatheists (too apathetic to be atheist), or even David Brooks' Bobos (something about Jimmy Buffett). The Left, according to my wafer-thin analysis, mostly limits this sort of talk to theorizing hopefully (and desperately) about some new "movement" or "coalition," usually involving Teamsters and turtles, and Baby Greens, and/or Eddie Vedder's Seattle.
I despair at getting even two people to read my site when a hack like Matt Welch can get away with idle bloviating like this, just spouting on and on and on with no reason and no purpose and accruing five million hits a second for it. This is why (as I've said before) blogging may not be the second coming of Bill Gates: too many words, too little for the words to say.
South Park Crunchy Cons vs. Consequentialist Bobos vs. the Death of the Two-Party System as We Know it: The L.A. Times, which today produced its most interesting (to me) Sunday edition in memory, ran a Column Left-Column Right deal in the Opinion section about whether there's some New Whatever regarding right-wingers and popular culture. Batting for the southpaws, the easily dislikable (to me) Neal Gabler argued: "Conservative revolution? No -- just dazzlingly effective PR," and scored some points that weren't all implausible....Batting for the Right was Brian Anderson, in a condensed update of his lengthy City Journal Piece (which I talked about a while back). All of which is interesting, or not … I guess I'm more concerned right now with the need to label micro movements-within-movements. Who does it more, lefties or righties? Seems to me the Right is always coming up with some new appellation, whether it's the Crunchy Cons (conservatives can be yuppies, too!), or Birkenstock Burkeans (sometimes the conservative hippies smell!), or Andrew Sullivan's Eagles (fiscally conservative, socially liberal, war-mongering hard-to-holds!), Jonathan Rauch's apatheists (too apathetic to be atheist), or even David Brooks' Bobos (something about Jimmy Buffett). The Left, according to my wafer-thin analysis, mostly limits this sort of talk to theorizing hopefully (and desperately) about some new "movement" or "coalition," usually involving Teamsters and turtles, and Baby Greens, and/or Eddie Vedder's Seattle.
I despair at getting even two people to read my site when a hack like Matt Welch can get away with idle bloviating like this, just spouting on and on and on with no reason and no purpose and accruing five million hits a second for it. This is why (as I've said before) blogging may not be the second coming of Bill Gates: too many words, too little for the words to say.
I don't know which is worse: WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! acting like a paid flack, or the ad-blurb copywriter who belches, "There are at least a dozen quote-worthy lines, and not a single one is quotable in a family newspaper." Let us say they're both news hacks, and they're both out to spit at my intelligence, and leave it at that.
And speaking of dictators, FATSO, remember Catastrophic Health Insurance? Remember the Polish Mafia boss who passed that? Remember how the geezers screamed at his passing limousine? WELL, FATSO -- and keeping in mind that this IS the Times, and these are "EXPERTS" -- the same thing could happen to folks in YOUR PARTY with your BRILLIANT MEDICARE LEGISLATION.
NEWT's former spokespoop writes an asinine column in which he gloats over the fact his Republicans have so thoroughly deked the Dems on the spending game (only of course he doesn't say that) they may stay in power FOREVER. Hey Fatso, if I recall correctly your ex-boss and his mouth THE PILLHEAD got you into power by complaining about how the Dems spent and spent and ran the Congress like a dictatorship -- and NOW YOU'RE DOING THE SAME THING. I should remind you, FATSO, if we had a principled opposition party, one strong on national defense and not off the deep end on social issues, you might occupy the same forlorn status as the Progressive Conservatives in Canada, who finished Brian Mulroney's tenure with TWO SEATS IN PARLIAMENT, and have yet to recover. Remember that the next time you boast.
The Islamic Web world's in an uproar because The Osama Channel.com has FIRED a "star reporter" who didn't like it that her bosses wouldn't run the "news" untamed and unfiltered.
Oh well, off to the Beeb, or the Guardian.
Oh well, off to the Beeb, or the Guardian.
The Wicked Witch of the White House tells hundreds of aspiring young news hacks how to think, which means in time they'll be telling US how to think.
And invariably, in addition to her bromides, we're regaled with her "wit." Only news hacks think wit and banality go together.
And invariably, in addition to her bromides, we're regaled with her "wit." Only news hacks think wit and banality go together.
That Boeing executive who was fired for clever hiring WROTE A BOOK whose publication has been put on indefinite hold.
Why be cute about it? Haven't other business crooks written books? What's one more business book from a fraud?
OR:
"Either you are ethical or you are not," says the manuscript. "You have to make that decision; all of us do. And there is no in between."
Too many business types choose not.
Why be cute about it? Haven't other business crooks written books? What's one more business book from a fraud?
OR:
"Either you are ethical or you are not," says the manuscript. "You have to make that decision; all of us do. And there is no in between."
Too many business types choose not.
News hacks win again! That Boston ban on subway "musicians" has been "delayed," which means it will be lengthily postponed, which means it will never be implemented. Piles of dirt that beg with wrong notes, you're safe!
Yesterday I spoke of the GENIUS of rap. This week the whole (or is that the "hole") of NEWSHACKDOM has been EXCEEDINGLY CONFLICTED because a man who has more GENIUS than TEN EINSTEINS and more artistic inspiration than SHAKESPEARE, MOZART and HEMINGWAY COMBINED made a RACISTSEXISTHOMOPHOBIC REMARK -- HE USED THE N WORD -- and now every hermetically-sealed LUXURY NEWS SUITE is debating whether this GENIUS TO OUT-GENIUS ALL GENIUSES WAS SINCERE IN HIS APOLOGY.
Meanwhile, the next Osama lurks, totally ignored. Not our demographic.
Meanwhile, the next Osama lurks, totally ignored. Not our demographic.
Oh goody! Some baggage handlers in New York were smuggling drugs for ten years, and only now do they get caught. Very soothing news for a long holiday weekend.
Sumner smacks his lips again and shouts, "Publicity! PUBLICITY!!!!!"
Good going for Larry Summers; he won't sign on to a lawsuit against the Feds keeping the military off college campuses using gay rights as an excuse. No, gay rights are secondary; the scrambled eggheads simply hate the military (remember that prof who said, "Anybody who wants to attack the Pentagon's fine with me"?), a warmed over nostalgia from Vietnam, and they'll lose, as they deserve to.
In the latest global warming-population explosion-nuclear freeze-new ice age blah from scientists, somebody with a degree says there are a 1,000 times more of us than there should be. By that standard the earth's population should have stopped growing at six million. No, there was a reason God commanded us to go forth and multiply. There's also a reason He created the Chicken Little story and Malthusians.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Let's see: Iran gets its nukes, the EU gets its oil, and we get our words.
I'd say it's a win-win-win.
I'd say it's a win-win-win.
Aside from being overrated garbage -- Buzz T. Newhouse's OWN SYNERGISTIC RAG once said it -- Candace "EW! YUCK!! GROSS!!!" Bushnell's favorite TV show won't last -- because it's FAKE.
Here's reality (and this article doesn't excerpt well; you must read the whole thing):
"I can't see spending $600 on a pair of shoes," says Katie Stewart, a struggling actor [SIC; that's EisnerCorp]. "I'd have to sell my dog to be able to have a pair of shoes. And I think the return's a little better on the dog."....
[Georgette] Blau [she operates a bus tour inspired by the show] explains that when a man says "I'll call you" at the end of the evening, "you know that's a goodbye for the night." Usually, she says, it's goodbye forever....
In the meantime, the bus rolls on. But at least one accomplished, single, New York woman can now afford to buy her own apartment. Blau has bought a one-room apartment that measures a whopping 400 square feet.
It's the size of a closet, but she says she's "so happy" about it. Because in New York, sometimes a new closet is just what a girl needs.
Sad.
Here's reality (and this article doesn't excerpt well; you must read the whole thing):
"I can't see spending $600 on a pair of shoes," says Katie Stewart, a struggling actor [SIC; that's EisnerCorp]. "I'd have to sell my dog to be able to have a pair of shoes. And I think the return's a little better on the dog."....
[Georgette] Blau [she operates a bus tour inspired by the show] explains that when a man says "I'll call you" at the end of the evening, "you know that's a goodbye for the night." Usually, she says, it's goodbye forever....
In the meantime, the bus rolls on. But at least one accomplished, single, New York woman can now afford to buy her own apartment. Blau has bought a one-room apartment that measures a whopping 400 square feet.
It's the size of a closet, but she says she's "so happy" about it. Because in New York, sometimes a new closet is just what a girl needs.
Sad.
The same City Journal that gave us that PIECE OF JUNK about SOUTH PARK CONSERVATISM has a fine article by Stefan Kanfer about Richard Rodgers, and though I doubt his songs are more popular now than "John Lennon['s] or the latest hip-hop artist['s]" (they're certainly inferior for sheer GENIUS), he had, as few composers ever had, the gift of melody; and "Robert "Over the" Hilburns and Ellen "I'm In with the In Crowd" Goodmans notwithstanding (the latter eternal lunkhead wrote an infamous "tribute" when Rodgers died saying The Beatles were better), that's why they'll last forever.
HOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMAHOMMA....
The sound you hear is Paul Krugman explaining why the economy's back on track.
The sound you hear is Paul Krugman explaining why the economy's back on track.
Yemen nabs a leading holy cockroach -- the alleged mastermind of the Cole attack!
Now do they give him internal exile, or just plain exile?
Now do they give him internal exile, or just plain exile?
I suppose we can chuckle and go awwwwwwwwww at these cute little professors expounding on PHILOSOPHY, but with all the tuition and tax dollars that go to such intellectual masturbation, combined with the academic-industrial complex's rigorous PC and the greed of its professional sports franchises, why am I just slightly angry?
Some "INDIES" are suing JACK over the @#$%&* SCREENER BAN -- and guess what? The studio-run INDIES are TACITLY SUPPORTING THEM!
Which means -- ONE PART OF JACK'S CONSPIRACY IS FIGHTING ANOTHER!
Which means -- ONE PART OF JACK'S CONSPIRACY IS FIGHTING ANOTHER!
Here's a J'ACCUSE kind of story. While I was still unemployed and it hadn't yet been surrounded with razor wire and bicycle stands, I'd go down to Independence Square and commune with the Founders. But my communion was ruined whenever this flat trumpeter in a cap sat himself on a bench and played his blasted noise. I never asked him to stop because I could see the KnightRidder newspaper monopoly siding with the stupid trumpeter because he's different, exercising his First Amendment rights, the whole nine yards. Today along Walnut Street there's a veritable symphony of flat trumpeters, flat trombonists, flat saxophonists, flat flautists, wrong-note accordionists, adding to the noise and misery of walking down the street.
This is why I'm not sympathetic to the huge convoy of talent in Boston that will have to beg -- PLAY somewhere else. I wouldn't be surprised if members of this smelly crowd and their sympathizers are mad because CNET's deleting all the "genius" in MP3.com's files. Sorry, bad music is bad wherever -- and however -- it's played.
This is why I'm not sympathetic to the huge convoy of talent in Boston that will have to beg -- PLAY somewhere else. I wouldn't be surprised if members of this smelly crowd and their sympathizers are mad because CNET's deleting all the "genius" in MP3.com's files. Sorry, bad music is bad wherever -- and however -- it's played.
Bush=Nixon. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Who=Ben Bradlee?
Is this another rendition of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
Who=Ben Bradlee?
Is this another rendition of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
Here are some columns I would never have the gumption to write: I. "Does Paul Krugman Have a Personality Disorder?"
Awww go ahead, DO IT!
Andy S.: Alex Beam calls you an "Internet kook." OOPS.
Awww go ahead, DO IT!
Andy S.: Alex Beam calls you an "Internet kook." OOPS.
See? SEE? This is what CONSERVATIVES said all along -- Pinochet was NEVER A DICTATOR!
You're the King of Pop, you will stay the King of Pop and justice will prevail...and if it don't, I'm gonna whup ya with this here BELT.
"100 other leads."
"100 other leads."
By the time I get to Phoenix...
I'll be arrested.
I'd love to know what he was singing as they booked him. Remember his marriage to Tanya Tucker? Looks like he hasn't forgotten.
I'll be arrested.
I'd love to know what he was singing as they booked him. Remember his marriage to Tanya Tucker? Looks like he hasn't forgotten.
A campus delays the morning bell in response to research showing teens do not perform as well early in the morning. [Front-page link]
NOW they tell us.
NOW they tell us.
Monday, November 24, 2003
"Sponge listening." This is what we peons get too often from corporate America. This we definitely get after corporate America puts idiot notions in its head, like Six Sigma -- or TECH-SUPPORT OUTSOURCING. It's screwy ideas like these that turned GM and Ford and Chrysler into the Clunker Brothers, and that threaten to do the same with the customer-service-challenged PC business. Michael Dell listened to the complaints -- but only after he heard the siren voices, and his rep has taken a big licking too.
Thank you, Rev. Kronk, for that GREAT term.
P. S. We non-corporate PEONS will still get the Indians. I was thinking of buying a Dell laptop next year. I may not now.
Thank you, Rev. Kronk, for that GREAT term.
P. S. We non-corporate PEONS will still get the Indians. I was thinking of buying a Dell laptop next year. I may not now.
Oooh, Ralph Nader wants two bodyguards with him at a radio conference. Courageous!
And speaking of lawsuits, Coors's sales pitch to minors using a Disney movie has earned the alcohol industry a regal one accusing it of selling its brews to kids. "The suit [says AdAge.com] also cites ads placed in youth-oriented media; use of ad themes appealing to underage drinkers; Web sites with 'illusory' age restrictions; and public service ads that falsely claim to discourage drinking but do the opposite."
Make fun of national nannies if you will, and make fun that one of Petrified Gore's lawyers is suing; this industry stands guilty as charged.
Make fun of national nannies if you will, and make fun that one of Petrified Gore's lawyers is suing; this industry stands guilty as charged.
Another predictable pancake: The folks at Daimler Corp. spent $14 million on the Canadian screecher Celine Dion so the senior executives could terrify their subordinates with "I KNOW CELINE DION AND YOU DON'T!!!!!" WELL, wouldn't you know, not only did Celine not sell the cars, but in what must be an extraordinary ego buster for her, HER AUDIENCE SKEWED OLD. Combined with its cretinous ad for Dodge penises -- er, SUVs Daimler proves the Clunker Brothers don't want to move product, they want to waste money and kiss celebrities' behinds.
If I were one of those UAW members whose job stands or falls by the executives' actions I wouldn't be too happy right now.
And speaking of Clunker Brothers, let's see how this little act by one of its Japanese units hurts sales. OR: "[The company's idiot marketing chief] said his team saw the video's script before production, and although it wasn't that detailed, [the company] had a 'good idea of what the video would be. We didn't think we were taking a big risk.'" Translated: we prayed -- except we didn't know how.
P. S. The Daimler fiasco's so overpowering the CHEHRMANS are forming A TASK FORCE, comprised in part of four Dodge dealers, which tells me the penises may not be moving either. If this is their idea of fixing sales they've got a long fix coming -- especially as Mercedes' quality standards have taken a nosedive since the "merger."
If I were one of those UAW members whose job stands or falls by the executives' actions I wouldn't be too happy right now.
And speaking of Clunker Brothers, let's see how this little act by one of its Japanese units hurts sales. OR: "[The company's idiot marketing chief] said his team saw the video's script before production, and although it wasn't that detailed, [the company] had a 'good idea of what the video would be. We didn't think we were taking a big risk.'" Translated: we prayed -- except we didn't know how.
P. S. The Daimler fiasco's so overpowering the CHEHRMANS are forming A TASK FORCE, comprised in part of four Dodge dealers, which tells me the penises may not be moving either. If this is their idea of fixing sales they've got a long fix coming -- especially as Mercedes' quality standards have taken a nosedive since the "merger."
OH oh, The Osama Channel's twin from Dubai gets booted from Iraq for INCITING MURDER!!!!!
Now what can the screaming meemies at The Osama Channel in CATARRH do to top THAT?
Now what can the screaming meemies at The Osama Channel in CATARRH do to top THAT?
Now somebody's complaining about THE LEADING CRUSADER IN THE CAUSE OF SOUTH PARK CONSERVATISM on SPECTATOR.ORG, which means Andy S. can think up a few more eloquent excuses.
Golf has its version of the 2002 MLB All Star Game, but no one noticed because it aired here on tape, against football.
Any news story that mentions the word "Jackson" and quotes at least two professors is not worth reading.
But then practically any news story that mentions the word "Jackson" is not worth reading.
But then practically any news story that mentions the word "Jackson" is not worth reading.
Here's another egregious column which makes me think news hacks do these things on purpose. After the biz has given away billions of dollars in free publicity for practically every one of the publicity stunts he mentions, this hack asks people to stop taking off their clothes in public. DAVE, if you scribblers didn't egg them on with the promise of free publicity MAYBE THEY WOULDN'T DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
How comforting: one of the alleged Lockerbie bombers is eligible for parole in 27 years. As Yasser proves, you're never too old to terrorize.
Graydon Carter, the world's greatest magazine editor, flouts Honorary Mayor Mike's smoking ban.
LET THEM EAT CIGGIES!
LET THEM EAT CIGGIES!
You have to go down to the twelfth graf of this USA Okay story to learn what should be obvious: the Congresspoops' new anti-spam act may be "difficult to enforce," and to the thirteenth graf to learn most of the worst spammers are overseas. How typical of Congress; to waste time passing feel good bills that won't do an iota of good.
If Frank "The Gliberal" Rich and Jonah Goldberg traded places you wouldn't know the difference, except that Jonah would be a little more snarky. To his credit (and I give him little credit) Jonah doesn't "buy" entirely into the deadly notion of SOUTH PARK CONSERVATISM, but he's enough in favor to remind me the first time I encountered Jonah on NRO it was in a phony-baloney article praising Mickey D's for all the millions of high-paid motivated workers it's sent into the world, and I haven't fully trusted him since.
And speaking of ArtsJournal.com, here's our Interview of the Week -- with a Croat novelist, Dubravka Ugresic:
IDEAS: You write that "if Stephen King had found himself in Stalinist Russia, he would undoubtedly have gotten the Stalin Prize." What do you think of King's recent Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters from the National Book Foundation?
UGRESIC: King's award is not a surprise but a logical consequence of contemporary literary professionalism, which -- like socialist realism -- demands that a writer clench his teeth and write within the framework of the given norm or else end up, if not in a prison camp, then in his own personal ghetto of anonymity and poverty. The symbolic meaning of King's award is a Fall of the Literary Wall: a final unification, not of good and bad literature but of literature and trash.
IDEAS: You write that "if Stephen King had found himself in Stalinist Russia, he would undoubtedly have gotten the Stalin Prize." What do you think of King's recent Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters from the National Book Foundation?
UGRESIC: King's award is not a surprise but a logical consequence of contemporary literary professionalism, which -- like socialist realism -- demands that a writer clench his teeth and write within the framework of the given norm or else end up, if not in a prison camp, then in his own personal ghetto of anonymity and poverty. The symbolic meaning of King's award is a Fall of the Literary Wall: a final unification, not of good and bad literature but of literature and trash.
I promise this is the last I mention the news hacks' favorite assassination. Today ArtsJournal.com is pleased that the Guardian devotes so many resources to "the arts." So what does all this coverage get us? Predictable, unchallenging, contented thumbsuckers like this one, about all the wonderful changes in art our favorite assassination allegedly provoked. I would argue most of the changes ascribed here owe to Vietnam and the news-hack culture of award-winning doom and gloom and ennui that grew up around it, and engineered our defeat, and survived it. If doom and gloom and ennui could win news hacks awards, why not with their brethren on the other side of the media business? Hence decades of gloom and doom and ennui, and we can't shake it because both the evil media twins reinfoorce each others' prejudices with prefab bromides and rave reviews. One reason our successful military endeavors of the last twenty years have elicited such screams of pain from the unintelligentsia is that they were successful, and they knocked that whole Potemkin house of doom and gloom and ennui flat to the ground. But news hacks will always rebuild the house -- especially when the victories emanate from RED COUNTRY.
If this is what more arts coverage means I'm all for dumbing it down, as most American news hacks (led by the Times) are doing.
If this is what more arts coverage means I'm all for dumbing it down, as most American news hacks (led by the Times) are doing.
I strongly suspect for all his antics that WACKO will be found innocent -- not because he isn't guilty, but because a jury may be afraid to offend his many "friends." And this could be the most boneheaded jury since OJ's.
QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! returns -- to Afghanistan!
Why now? We've been there for over two years, and you discover quagmire now?
Why now? We've been there for over two years, and you discover quagmire now?
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Here's a loony-left protest we didn't know about: "over 10,000" (read maybe 2,000) came to Ft. Benning to protest the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL former School of the Americas, which allegedly taught all manner of Latin tyrants to do God knows what. But clearly Latin America wasn't on the protestors' minds:
"FROM THE SOA, TO FTAA [that free-trade thingy they were unsuccessfully whining about in Miami], TO THE INVASION OF IRAQ, OUR GOVERNMENT'S FOREIGN POLICY IS SERVING THE INTERESTS OF A FEW, AND MAKING US A LOT OF ENEMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Fr. Roy Bourgeois, founder of SOA Watch. [Emphasis added.]
Translation: America can't do anything right. I suspect, however, we shouldn't be lectured on this score by a priest of a division of a church that condones moral failings of its own.
"FROM THE SOA, TO FTAA [that free-trade thingy they were unsuccessfully whining about in Miami], TO THE INVASION OF IRAQ, OUR GOVERNMENT'S FOREIGN POLICY IS SERVING THE INTERESTS OF A FEW, AND MAKING US A LOT OF ENEMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Fr. Roy Bourgeois, founder of SOA Watch. [Emphasis added.]
Translation: America can't do anything right. I suspect, however, we shouldn't be lectured on this score by a priest of a division of a church that condones moral failings of its own.
To the three computers who've noticed: I've signed up for Site Meter; extremeTracking (or however they spell it) is next. With all of one outside computer logged in it's been a depressing day. I'm under no delusions that people will notice my page, but to be utterly ignored after ten months' blogging is not good for the ego. (Nor is it good for the ego that many of my sojourns to post and revise count as unique visits, even after I tweaked my preferences.) Oh well, I blog on, to that far distant someday.
Slowly, life returns to normal at Ground Zero.
Now why could somebody put a train station there while buildings and a monument are impossible?
Now why could somebody put a train station there while buildings and a monument are impossible?
Fools marched for "peace," now fools pray for Michael.
I can't tell the difference.
And in other "news":
Star of records, radio and rock videos. A one-man rescue team for the music business. A songwriter who sets the beat for a decade. A dancer with the fanciest feet on the street. A singer who cuts across all boundaries of taste and style, and color too. Michael Jackson, 25 years old. (TWXster rag, nineteen years ago.)
Proof that when it comes to newsrag subscriptions, fools and their money will always be easily parted.
I can't tell the difference.
And in other "news":
Star of records, radio and rock videos. A one-man rescue team for the music business. A songwriter who sets the beat for a decade. A dancer with the fanciest feet on the street. A singer who cuts across all boundaries of taste and style, and color too. Michael Jackson, 25 years old. (TWXster rag, nineteen years ago.)
Proof that when it comes to newsrag subscriptions, fools and their money will always be easily parted.
Eduard Shevardnadze's resignation as Georgia's president proves Dr. Johnson's dictum that human nature cannot long abide tyranny. That his tenure has ended peacefully after mass protests should give hope to others who live under undemocratic governments.
I must ask -- what did Shevardnadze do in his eleven years as president except look like Geppetto?
I must ask -- what did Shevardnadze do in his eleven years as president except look like Geppetto?
Bush Campaign Chief Calls Democrats Weak on Security
There has to be a word we can use to help the Democrats. I've got it! It's a word JONATHAN ALTER uses: UNPATRIOTIC! And if that doesn't work we can always use "un-American."
There has to be a word we can use to help the Democrats. I've got it! It's a word JONATHAN ALTER uses: UNPATRIOTIC! And if that doesn't work we can always use "un-American."
The KnightRidder Philly Broadsheet Edition, which recently put Bruce on the front page of Saturday and Sunday editions when both were on sale, now lets loose with a blast that would have silenced Sir Walter Raleigh in "1601":
If LL Cool J is hip-hop's balladeer and Public Enemy its enduring conscience, Shakur maintains his status as a supreme urban griot whose gritty, observant rhymes illuminate the plight of disenfranchised black males.
Let us not dance around what this hackette is saying. She is saying, in so many words, that these rappers are The Three Bs. When the ad-blurb copywriters get started with their daydreams, they're saying the objects of their affection rival The Three Bs. This constant puffing, this endless hyperbole, this infinite need to condescend for the sake of "circulation," is why show-biz writing is as crass and unreadable as it is, and why with its current gang of fraudulent automatic typists it will only get worse.
If LL Cool J is hip-hop's balladeer and Public Enemy its enduring conscience, Shakur maintains his status as a supreme urban griot whose gritty, observant rhymes illuminate the plight of disenfranchised black males.
Let us not dance around what this hackette is saying. She is saying, in so many words, that these rappers are The Three Bs. When the ad-blurb copywriters get started with their daydreams, they're saying the objects of their affection rival The Three Bs. This constant puffing, this endless hyperbole, this infinite need to condescend for the sake of "circulation," is why show-biz writing is as crass and unreadable as it is, and why with its current gang of fraudulent automatic typists it will only get worse.
George Will continues on autopilot: George Soros engages in "institutionalized cynicism" for pledging to donate huge sums to beat Dubya, but if he supported him....Never mind.
How many OTHERS will step forward?
Meantime, a rock-music ad-blurb copywriter risks "funny looks." As I've said, aside from the times they've been forced into it by the pedophilia rumors, few news hacks have criticized WACKO since Mike Royko. Perhaps someone should get out a Bitsy, Big Boy Boomeroo and blow them clear to Salamagoo.
As for any MORON who'd compare WACKO to Cole Porter, so as to justify his musical tripe: the stories of Porter's sex life came out well after his death, and from all accounts his partners were consenting adults.
Meantime, a rock-music ad-blurb copywriter risks "funny looks." As I've said, aside from the times they've been forced into it by the pedophilia rumors, few news hacks have criticized WACKO since Mike Royko. Perhaps someone should get out a Bitsy, Big Boy Boomeroo and blow them clear to Salamagoo.
As for any MORON who'd compare WACKO to Cole Porter, so as to justify his musical tripe: the stories of Porter's sex life came out well after his death, and from all accounts his partners were consenting adults.
How to Spread the Word When the Word Is 'Grim'
Well, we can start with a thousand movie-ad blurbs from you loyal copywriters, Caryn.
Well, we can start with a thousand movie-ad blurbs from you loyal copywriters, Caryn.
They pay the hack Robert J. "Competition" Samuelson hundreds of thousands for saying the same things I said yesterday?
Hmmm, this IS BLUNDER. Wonder if he's wrong.
Hmmm, this IS BLUNDER. Wonder if he's wrong.
In the latest BLUNDER (the one with the advertorial on the cover -- aren't they all?) Norman Thomas's grandson "frets" (in a manner of speaking) that the holy cockroaches are about to launch a big one. I'd like to go back through the BLUNDER archives and look at all the times he's been wrong -- but you don't quite want to say outright he's wrong for fear of jinxing us. Still it is BLUNDER, nuf said.
Gephardt hopes to repeat magic of 1988 in Iowa
"Magic" is a word that I don't quite think belongs there.
"Magic" is a word that I don't quite think belongs there.