Posted 9:09 PM by Gene

Another fad bites the dust:

Low-Carb Pioneer Atkins Files Chapter 11

...and not a moment too soon.

Posted 6:30 PM by Gene

Another reason to ROLL THE EYEBALLS: VIACON (through its corporate partner Yahoo!) has bequeathed us a photo gallery of blonde "top" Hollywood "stars." As a for-instance we might consider this snapshot of Renée What's-Her-Name, and ponder that the BEST to be said is that she has a vague resemblance to Doris Day (whose real last name was von Kappelhoff -- THAT would have sold her!), but we would not pursue the line further as we suspect the divine Doris sang slightly better. Once again we are dismayed by the utter lack of beauty, of grace, of charm, of anything in these exceptionally lucky no-talents; and surely this tremendous lack of appeal is why people are gravitating away from the once fierce pull of Hollywood, even more than the bad ideas, the bad scripts, the bad MOVIES.

P. S.

Posted 3:21 PM by Gene

The Army tries to devise a PC bullet -- and shoots itself in the FOOT.

Posted 3:16 PM by Gene

Napoleon died of arsenic poisoning, "too many enemas" and stomach cancer, which is why we should ALWAYS trust the DEFINITIVE judgments of SCIENCE.

Posted 2:58 PM by Gene

A PAPER OF RE-CORD theologian aptly named Brick pines for the use of profanity as a kind of Dresden of the mouth, an act of righteous "rebellion." (We may assume he means sixties rebellion, not the reactionary Founding Fathers' kind.) Unfortunately, even he admits that the LORD GOD PINCH will not allow certain words in His paper, even as it bends over backwards on its jellyfish-like rhetorical spine to praise others who overuse them; and so once again we see the split between the Two Americas: the LORD GOD PINCH'S KINGDOM -- and EVERYWHERE ELSE.

Posted 1:32 PM by Gene

In more news from Meg "Mug" Whitman's Fantasyland, a starstruck eBay enthusiast has abandoned his plan to auction off merchandise signed by his once sweetheart, leaving fans of bad taste mourning the world over.

Posted 1:16 PM by Gene

A Microsoft analyst has won an annual contest celebrating bad writing by comparing fixing carburetors to fondling a woman's breasts.

So THAT's what they do with all that MONEY!

Posted 1:13 PM by Gene

If NASA's going to obsess over every last piece of debris real or imagined why not just go with unmanned flights, which would be cheaper, safer and far more productive?

Posted 12:34 PM by Gene

With the alleged B.O. down an alleged TWENTY PERCENT-PLUS from last year there will be excuses and recriminations. But THE CONSPIRACY and its LOVERS can't get around this: take out the STUPID TEENS and GET-A-LIFEs who must see every last bit of sci-fi and horror droppings and you may well be talking an annual national attendance of between 600 million and 700 million. That's little more than TWO TICKETS PER CAPITA. In 1950 it was TWENTY. Worse, all the new openings meant to appeal to a wider audience BOMBED. People like Toenail.com's INDUSTRY EXPERT can shout DVD and INTERNET till the receipts turn red, but everyone knows now the biz wouldn't make good films if a DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT ordered it, and what's more, they're shown in the skanky POPCORN RESTAURANTS, and who wants to pay good money to see a bad movie to the smell of stale popcorn and the feel underfoot of week-old Coke? For people to deny it's the product is gross dishonesty, pun intended.

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

An acquitted double-killer is told he can't sign autographs for money -- but only because somebody didn't abide by "a contract."

Do I smell EBAY? Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-U!

Posted 9:07 AM by Gene

"It's really just simple New York construction" that has kept a library in Bedford-Stuyvesant closed for nearly three years.

Your constituents thank you again, HONORARY MAYOR MIKE. How's the L. P. going?

Posted 8:59 AM by Gene

The failed July 21 bombings in London were inspired by the Iraq war and deadly attacks of two weeks earlier, a suspect in the later bombings has told Italian authorities, according to Italian media reports.

We suspect the failed July 21 bombings in London were the result of four evil stupid men with a death wish.

NEEEEEEEEEEEWS HAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKS!!!!!

Posted 8:48 AM by Gene

Is anybody still excusing terrorism? The answer is yes: Secret sympathy, even fascination, with violence among men and women who think of themselves as “militants” is a disease, and recovery is slow. But the excuses are heard much more in Europe than in the United States. My sense is that the argument here has shifted. It is focused more on how to deal with the threat of terrorism, how to make people feel secure. Speaking more politically, it is focused on how to make people feel that the liberal left is interested in their security and capable of acting effectively. We won’t win an election until we address this.

That's putting it mildly.

Posted 8:43 AM by Gene

Meantime "a strategy center for progressives" called up Mr. Mark and asked what he could do to help stop the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL pro-life movement. He obliged with an article about -- yep -- "strategy." But he couldn't answer a more fundamental question: Your name is "Third Way." One way is pro-life, one is pro-choice. WHAT THE HELL'S THE THIRD WAY?

Posted 8:37 AM by Gene

While emoting over the "meth epidemic" in the sort of cover story that always seems to be all surface no matter how deeply reported, TOILETBOWL gets down to more important things. Like -- the future of MOVIES. And how can we get out of the slump -- well...with more R movies. And -- DVDs. And -- "popcorn and soda." And -- oh, don't ask.

Posted 6:38 PM by Gene

The early departure of DaimlerChrysler Chief Executive Juergen Schrempp was not abrupt but long planned, German weekly magazines reported.

How do you say SPIN in German?

Then again, maybe it WAS long-planned -- by JUERGEN.

Posted 4:13 PM by Gene

And speaking of RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, He's pretty good at JUXTAPOSITION TOO: this cartoon --



-- appeared online with THIS story:

Pakistan cracks down on extremist madrassas

T'ain't funny, McGee.

Posted 3:58 PM by Gene

Now LANCE ARMSTRONG is suing RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No WONDER the Son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! quit!

Posted 3:33 PM by Gene

In what should be an ENDURING MONUMENT to the UTTERLY SENSELESS SENSIBILITY of NEWS HACKS, tomorrow's (or rather today-tomorrow's) InkyDinkyDooDoo runs a sports story with a hed whose size is worthy of the death of a prominent local figure, or perhaps a multiple murder --

T.O.'s Agent is Mostly Talk

-- DIRECTLY ABOVE a PLUG, FLOGGED ABOVE THE FRONT-PAGE MASTHEAD, for our star multimillionaire sports scribbler and attitudinizer (and, if he's lucky, our next KEYBOARD THROWER) and his new soapbox on ESPN2. [It must be GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD when THE PAPER OF RE-CORD ENDORSES IT.) We've no doubt the hacks in THE TOWER OF BABBLE think "juxtaposition" is a word TONY RIDDER uses to justify LAYOFFS, and we've equally no doubt that if T. O.'S AGENT IS MOSTLY TALK, NEWS HACKS ARE ALL TALK -- and often SOMETHING WORSE THAN IT.

P. S. Did MICKEYMOUSE BOB hire that dishwater OM-BUDS-MAN because he knew he'd be buying a new SOAPBOX? (By the way, ombuddy's written ONE column SINCE JOINING THEM.)

Posted 1:36 PM by Gene

And in more CI-NE-MA news:

Martin Murray wanted to build something straight out of the 1950s. So he cleared 30 acres of rural pasture off Interstate 45 about 20 miles south of Dallas and built his Galaxy Drive-In like a museum to a mostly extinct industry. Cars squeeze between poles tethered with speaker boxes and campy, vintage commercials rescued from Hitchcock-era reels roll before the main feature.

"I wanted to take people back to a simpler time," Murray said. "You hit 1958 once you enter our driveway."

Okay Martin, but could you try to make it 1958 once your eyeballs hit the screen?

Posted 1:17 PM by Gene

OH oh, the B.O. slump accelerates!

Who knows? Maybe it will put a few of these high-tech HEDDA HOPPERS out of business.

Posted 1:02 PM by Gene

Speaking of gossip, this piece proves that NEWS HACKS are paying altogether too much mind to NICK DORKEN and his shills, who may think they're presenting strychnine-laced candy treats to the world when they merely specialize in inedible sourballs.

Posted 8:42 AM by Gene

The candidates are: Salzburg, Austria; Jaca, Spain; Pyeongchang, South Korea; Sochi, Russia; Sofia, Bulgaria; Almaty, Kazakhstan, and Borjomi, Georgia.

Okay, who goes broke THIS time?

Posted 7:50 AM by Gene

This is what the con-SER-va-tive smugly calls CREATIVE DESTRUCTION: merging and merging and merging and merging retail-store chains until you have DICK "THE TEXAS MAFIOSO" ARMEY's dream of a one-company state. We suspect people dislike malls and big chains in at least a small way because so many of their favorites have disappeared for no better reason than to excite a CEO's hubris, and with each successive chain disappearing comes one less reason for the surviving retailers to know or care about their customers, except in ways that insult them or invade their privacy.

Posted 7:44 AM by Gene

W.C. Fields, John Barrymore, Errol Flynn...Hollywood just doesn't make characters like it used to.

Posted 7:35 AM by Gene

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ST. WARREN may offer a place in His Heaven to THE MOST OVERRATED BLOGGER. Gossip columning, like sports typing, is striking a pose while cultivating the same sources you pretend to rake over the coals for the sake of exciting the readership. We've no doubt THE MOST OVERRATED BLOGGER would be the perfect gossip columnist, at least until her fellow gossips start picking her apart for not being gossipy enough. We further wonder if a woman whose blog would be a BLANK without her SHTICK can WRITE.

P. S. Being cited frequently in THE PAPER OF RE-CORD MAGAZINE may not be qualifying.

Posted 7:18 AM by Gene

There he goes again:

BOSTON GLOBE SAYS YOU LACK HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTIONS [John Podhoretz]
Check out this delightful sentiment from Boston Globe movie critic Ty Burr: "'Stealth' is a pretty fair military-hardware action movie until you start thinking about it -- at which point it turns incredibly sour in your mouth. I can therefore recommend it to any and all audiences lacking higher brain functions. Sea cucumbers, perhaps. Ones waving American flags."
Posted at 06:36 AM

We're willing to say most MOVIE AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS like Teeny Tiny Ty lack higher brain functions, but we're also willing to say we have our doubts about YOU, John, after you raved that PURPLE-HEART WEARING CON-SER-VA-TIVE PC COMEDY -- ON A CURVE.

Posted 7:27 PM by Gene

What will make these mu-ni-CI-pal knuckleheads realize the BIG-BOX RETAILERS can be their FRIENDS?

But then this is FRISCO, where luring more people living in BIG BOXES is the order of the day.

Posted 7:23 PM by Gene

I do believe HIZZONER the MAYOR of CHI-CA-GO is ANOTHER STEP CLOSER to that INDICTMENT.

Posted 7:21 PM by Gene

More bad news for the RUPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: He has to pay up to CAMERON.

What will be the push that brings His TOWER OF FLEA-BITTEN ASSETS TUMBLING?

Posted 7:12 PM by Gene

More and more are taking up the cause of term limits for the NINE FINGERS: in the latest Atlantic Monthly two writers blasting the FINGERS endorse it. But term limits are not enough, not with hermetically-sealed jurists -- or as Stuart Taylor Jr. puts it,

How many [of the current unretired NINE FINGERS] have ever held elected office? How may have previously served at the highest levels of the executive brnach of government? How many have argued big-time commercial lawsuits within the past thirty-five years? How many have ever been either criminal defense lawyers or trial prosecutors? How many have ever presided over even a single criminal or civil trial? The answers are zero, zero, zero, one and one, respectively.

He argues it was "starkly different fifty years ago," but then DC wasn't so much like a block of reinforced concrete either. I repeat, for all the denials, what the NINE FINGERS do is ultimately POLITICAL, and what better way to open up their workplace to the real world than through ELECTIONS?

Posted 10:06 AM by Gene

Remember ALL THOSE HOPEFUL STORIES about how ERRAMERICA was ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMING IN THE RATINGS?

I think Al O'Franken will only get O'ANGRIER.

Posted 8:36 AM by Gene

RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'S SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! QUITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is almost as bad as Henry VIII's problem -- only he was JUST a KING.

Posted 5:55 PM by Gene

Big Foot will remain just a tall tale, for a while at least, after DNA hair samples thought to be from the mythic creature turned out to be bison hair.

Aw, we can dream, can't we?

Posted 5:43 PM by Gene

THE CONSPIRACY AGREES: no more GARBAGE in a CAN!

Now it can DIGITIZE IT!

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

Here's one for you: VIDEO ADWARE.

That will come soon after VIDEO SPAM.

If you think computing's bad NOW....

Google found "video spam" (in quotes) 589 times, "video adware" (in quotes) 509 times. We're kidding ourselves to believe this isn't the future.

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

China has launched a campaign to counter U.S. criticism of its growing economic and military power, employing a top American lobbying firm to convey Beijing’s views to Congress....

The hiring of Patton Boggs – which has also represented Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Pakistan....

NUF SAID.

Posted 5:13 PM by Gene

SEN. FATSO GLUB-GLUB "COUCHES CAREFULLY"?????

I don't know with THAT bulk.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

This press release of Federated Department Stores's divestitures documents all too well that too many department stores in too many malls chase the same too few suburban customers. Meantime the company would never DARE build new downtown stores because of NI...the EXPENSE.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

These two have made $100 gazillion but you still have to like this picture.

Posted 2:07 PM by Gene

The Jeopardy!!!!!!!!!! fans are EX-ERCISED:

"I knew Ken Jennings, and you, sir, are no Ken Jennings," writes one fan. "I’ll be making myself scarce until someone knocks the current champ off."

I know you GEEKS, and you GEEKS, sir, need to
GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 1:52 PM by Gene

Foul-Mouthed Parrot Banished By Embarrassed Keepers

They should have taught it to be a STAND-UP COMIC.

Posted 1:50 PM by Gene

What's the difference between an "energy bill" and a Congressman WADING IN CASH?

Posted 1:48 PM by Gene

Goodenow stepping down as head of NHL players' union

...for a job WELL DONE.

Posted 11:54 AM by Gene

Can the liberal version of ex-conservative Brock be trusted?

YES -- when he says what you want to hear.

Posted 11:51 AM by Gene

Though USAOKAY!!!!! again sucks its thumb raw over media ratings, The Economist put it best:

Safe in their liberal strongholds of New York and Los Angeles, it is easy for media executives to underestimate the strength of public feeling against indecency on TV. “Look at the top shows,” says one, such as “CSI”, which is “all about murder, and ‘Desperate Housewives', full of sex.” But that misses the point. For the sake of children, a large part of the public wants something done. If media firms do not cater to this demand, Congress probably will.

Posted 9:23 AM by Gene

LORD SPRINGER signed at the right time:

Sony swings to loss, slashes 2006 earnings estimates

Posted 8:35 AM by Gene

Well, I found out what EUROSUN is -- IT'S AN ADWARE COMPANY.

And NO, idiots, I NEVER signed up for your INTRUSIONS!!!!!

Now I have to go through my @#$%&* computer and find out where the @#$%&* it's BURIED.

P. S. I found TWO LISTINGS of it in my office computer's REGISTRY, in Search Assistant. Perhaps I put them there in searches; so how did these @#$%&* ADS get on my COMPUTER?

P. P. S. I mustn't be the only one angered by these ads -- according to ExTREmeTracKeR (or however they spell it), my last ten search-engine hits were "Eurosunsa." Somebody must put these FRAUDS out of business.

Posted 6:58 AM by Gene

Another IMMORTAL graces the performing STAGE:

Ask any of the 17,500 headbangers who attended this first of two shows at PNC. Ozzy howled like a wounded dog, he was out of tune with his band, and he could hardly keep time with the music. When he tried to incite the house to clap along, his tempo was so off that he looked like a disabled athlete failing at jumping jacks.

Pardon -- another immortal prepares for a concert life at the age of 110.

Posted 6:41 AM by Gene

It is not too soon to think of what BOOBS McKEATING will do when he becomes president. Will he mug for the cameras? Will he hold so many press conferences that people hold him in contempt two months out? Will he do liberal things to please the HACKS? Will he take cover in the White House's darkest recess at the first sign of trouble? What friends will he please with a good stroking of largesse? And will JONAH become his press secretary? The country awaits you, BOOBS McKEATING.

Posted 6:33 AM by Gene

In our state Mafia -- er, LEGISLATURE -- payback time!

You gotta love these guys. They obviously believe in the saying, "Any publicity is good publicity."

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

Juergen Shemp...Shrimp...Schrrrrempp is leaving DaimlerCorp!

The news boosted DaimlerChrysler's stock -- the laggard so far this year among European peers -- more than 10 percent. They [SIC] traded at 39.40 euros at 0930 GMT, up 8.5 percent. Schrempp's leaving added some 3.7 billion euros to the firm's market value.

How typical -- a company's worth more without its CEO than with it. Why do companies need CEOs?

Posted 7:40 PM by Gene

The Disneyland in Midtown is having what Jesse must call a "BOFFO" summer, but then, as in Disneyland, hardly anything there's real.

P. S. Suzanne Somers had 77 percent attendance TOO.

Posted 7:33 PM by Gene

I'd say the people who devised these devices weren't very -- peaceful.

Posted 7:19 PM by Gene

BOOBS McKEATING may be RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!

Give this guy a PURPLE HEART!

Posted by his FRIENDS at THE CORNER, who are no doubt egging him on.

Posted 7:03 PM by Gene

Back to SQUARE ONE with the SHUTTLE.

Guys, THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE!

Posted 5:59 PM by Gene

If The Second Greatest Editor of All Time was so great why did he hire MICHAEL KINSLEY?

Posted 5:56 PM by Gene

The Sun King stays!

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

I suspect more than one person may say, if the taxicab biz wants to improve its vehicles, it could do one thing...



Bring back the CHECKER.

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

Elsewhere in Toenail.com A MAN WHO WAS BARRED FROM THE SECURITIES TRADE tries to find a problem with Judge Roberts's finances, which means the guy's a lock, and which also means we should remember this guy WAS barred from the securities trade.

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

Toenail.com is in one of those cranky moods again, as befits the home of the humorless G.B. But these things will happen when you're pretend iconoclastic. Dan sums up what seems to be the CONWIZ about ELIOT NESS'S payola crusade -- ho-hum it's low-level corruption, but the marketplace works, and besides, as THE LORD GOD ZONNNNNNNNNNN tells us, every radio has an on-off switch. To think it was only yesterday that Rog (perhaps he didn't have his daily vibes with THE RUPE!!!!!!!!!!! yet) told us payola sicced JLo on us and her "fingernail-on-blackboard" music. Just because a public official has a liking for red lights doesn't mean his crusade is invalid. And just because there are all manner of stocking fees in supermarkets doesn't make it right; God knows how much competition it squelches, and how many billions more we have to pay for groceries. (And most paid searches, DAN, are clearly identifiable as such, unlike SONY's shenanigans.) If payola is low-level corruption, it's been around long enough to distort the radio and music biz, and give lots of no-talents an undeserved light of day. As to ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN's wisdom, I won't repeat the line I've oft-repeated about TELEVISION, but I will say lots of listeners have been taking your advice, ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, which is one reason you don't co-run VIACON anymore.

Posted 1:17 PM by Gene

All right, JPOD, we're willing to agree that EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL is RESIDENT in HOLLYWOOD, but where were you when TIME WARNER pulled that PR STUNT for what you banged on the WEEKLY STANDARD keyboard as THE GREATEST COMEDY OF THE DECADE -- THE LEGEND OF BOOBS McKEATING?

Want a bet you still don't want to know about it?

When these hacks have an ENTHUSIASM they WILL NOT SHUT UP.

Posted 12:58 PM by Gene

The latest onanistic revel among the hacks is this CONTROVERSIAL movie about "the world's dirtiest joke." We understand Rog's enthusiasm; he WORKS for a dirty joke. We are further willing to wager that any joke that takes up to two hours to tell, and especially any joke told by the likes of "Phyllis Diller, Pat Cooper, Larry Storch, Chuck McCann, Shelley Berman, Robin Williams, Drew Carey, Chris Rock," THE EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY, "Paul Reiser and Joe Franklin [SIC]," and ESPECIALLY any joke told by the long-time Ed Sullivan impersonator GILBERT GOTTFRIED, is DEFINITELY NOT FUNNY.

Posted 11:03 AM by Gene

Speaking of Chicago, I'd be more worried that platinum toothpick would be tilted by THE WIND.

Posted 11:01 AM by Gene

One of TV GUIDE'S STAR ALUMNI BELCHES in the TRIB:

The latest overhaul of TV Guide is emblematic of what Jarvis calls "one size fits all" media being overtaken. "It's really indicative of where our culture has gone. We all go where we want to go," Jarvis said by phone. "The whole notion of a TV Guide, which was so right for its time ... is the exact best indication of how far past that we've gone."

STERNO, THE AMBASSADOR WOULD HAVE INVENTED TIVO IF HE COULD HAVE.

Posted 10:48 AM by Gene

Republican Gov. George Pataki, who is weighing a possible 2008 bid for the White House, has told a group of supporters that he won't seek a fourth term next year, according to close associates of the governor.

Hope you like your new job as an ex-governor and superlobbyist!

Posted 10:29 AM by Gene

Don't you like politics? The Democrats have the abortionists, the Republicans the NRA. Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your -- heart?

Posted 8:52 AM by Gene

When Little Malcolm jumps up and down in his high chair about how difficult it is to find decent blogs, we know what he'll do: putting the bowl of cereal on his head (to give him brainpower), he'll storm up lists of the same blogs we've heard about for the last three years. Indeed these lists are of no useful purpose except to acclimate people who've NEVER heard of blogs -- indeed, who've never heard of COMPUTERS.

Some of the comments, however, are ACCIDENTALLY truthful: "Of course, most blogs are mind-numbingly dull." We needed YOU to tell us THAT, Matt. Or consider these other morsels of wisdom about our favorites (pffh-hh-hh):

STERNO: "Posts can be rambling." (We'll ignore this could be said of most of the SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS.)

TV NEWSER: "Sometimes reads like the sources are mostly press releases."

GAWKER: "May not play so well if New York is not the center of your universe."

And so on. And so on and so on. And so on and so on and so on. Which reminds us, AGAIN, of something Peter Carlson wrote several years ago:

...[T]here are many reasons for the rise of The List. The top five reasons are:

1) Lists are the easiest way to organize information without actually thinking.

2) Magazine editors are too lazy to think of anything more creative.

3) Magazine editors figure their readers are too lazy to read anything but lists.

4) Magazine readers really are too lazy to read anything but lists.

5) David Letterman's Top Ten lists have warped everybody's mind.

Most magazine lists are, needless to say, totally stupid.

Posted 8:15 AM by Gene

The AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS is trapped. On the one hand, much as its members love showing off their Hollywood connections and talking down to the public, they know people CAN'T STAND ADVERTISING, and many INCREASINGLY CONNECT IT to THE PROGRAMS THEY SUBSIDIZE, though for the life of them they don't understand why. On the other hand, they're so used to burning money peddling their wares it's an addiction. Now companies like Unilever are using Internet campaigns. The problem with those is that word of mouth can be stronger -- ask THE CONSPIRACY. Moreover the campaigns don't appear to be any different from the TV two-by-fours; it's still Kerry enthusiasts waving their noses over their inferiors. Worse, these HIP EIGHTY-SOMETHINGS have a way of flaunting their Depends. ASK TEXAS PACIFIC GROUP. In the end, advertising is still advertising, no matter how brightly packaged it is, or how shiny the ribbon, and people may still be content not to stand it.

Posted 8:11 AM by Gene

Jerry Lewis to Receive TV Academy Award

Why not the Nobel Peace Prize?

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

OH boy:

Representative Christopher Cox, President Bush's nominee to head the Securities and Exchange Commission, told a Senate committee today that he would seek to build on the record of William H. Donaldson, the S.E.C. chairman who resigned after business groups complained that he was too heavy-handed....

"My top priority will be the vigorous enforcement of our nation's securities laws," said Mr. Cox, 52.

LARRY KUDLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has NOTHING to do with the LAST post.

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

Another corporate eighty-something lets it all hang out.

These bozos may think they're mining a golden vein of publicity, but as Carl's Jr. learned, too often like the Treasure of the Sierra Madre the gold just -- blows away.

Or just BLOWS.

P. S. At least three other witticisms were deleted from the page where AdAge found this photo, suggesting it was a busy day in MIAMI today.

P. P. S. Some launch, DIMWITS.

Posted 3:12 PM by Gene

Slashdot -- AGAIN:

IT: Nerdcore Rap In The Press
Posted by Zonk on Tuesday July 26, @01:47PM
from the nerdcore-makes-a-good-comic-too dept.
hammeredpeon writes "MC Plus+ and others talk about their nerdcore rap skills with Wired magazine." From the article: "While gangsta rap is seen as celebrating the violence and aggression that claimed two of its brightest stars, 'geeksta' rap is a hip-hop genre celebrating coding skills and school grades. Also dubbed 'nerdcore,' this branch of hip-hop is for geeks, by geeks. Geeksta rappers adopt the same combative verbal-assault stylings of their forerunners, but bust rhymes about elite script compiling and dope machine code. The term was first coined in 2000 by nerdy New York rapper MC Frontalot in a track of the same name. Nerdcore now refers to artists waxing lyrical about topics as disparate as engineering and Lord of the Rings."

Posted 10:41 AM by Gene

Sen. Dennis Day is not running for president.

I guess Jack Benny wouldn't lend him the money.

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

Will Rogers had it right. "A politician," he said, "is just like a pickpocket."

No he didn't. What pickpocket would drag his pockets behind him in an armored car?

Posted 9:52 AM by Gene

Woman admits having sex parties for teen boys
Colorado mother wanted to be ‘cool mom,’ admits supplying drugs, alcohol

Will someone tell me why the ne plus ultra of modern life is to be "COOL"?

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

Well, the fake Purple Heart disappeared -- NO THANKS TO YOU, SEN. BOOBS McKEATING.

P. S. A TIME WARNER COMPANY.

P. P. S. No mention on THE MOVIE'S OFFICIAL WEB SITE, nor ever will be.

Posted 8:45 AM by Gene

Romney vetoes law on pill, takes aim at Roe v. Wade

Yep, I think he's running for president.

Posted 6:51 AM by Gene

The Junior Chamber of Venality passed one of its patented Sense of the House resolutions, proving once again its senselessness.

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

NBC president of entertainment Kevin Reilly compares the network's struggles last season to a colonic.

We might compare your whole NETWORK to a colonic.

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

This is the end of TV Guide. Without listings it's nothing. It wasn't always so; hard to believe it had a decent rep -- under THE AMBASSADOR. Then RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! overpaid and dumbed it down -- just as network TV ratings started falling through the floor. Now He and the partners He palmed a stake off on are stuck with a soon-to-be empty bag. TiVo rendered TV Guide obsolete -- and you don't need a big thick rag to inform you of 500 channels and nothing on.

P. S. Interesting: the rag was a victim of CIRCULATION INFLATION.

Posted 8:11 PM by Gene

HED OF THE WEEK:

Eisner's Disney Names Battsek Miramax President

Since when has Roy Disney run EISNER? We thought BOB settled that!

Posted 6:53 PM by Gene

Looks like LIVE 8 helped in NIGER!

Thanks again, BOB!

Posted 5:44 PM by Gene

We've all known for a long time that contemporary pop music stinks. We hear "hits" on the radio and wonder, "How can this be?"

It's not just PAYOLA, Rog -- but it HELPS.

Posted 5:39 PM by Gene

And in other news from the NURSING HOME AND PORK FACTORY on the HILL:

[W]hile tutoring Roberts on the finer points of Senate relations, the 62-year-old Thompson will have to squirrel away some time to memorize lines. NBC says the attorney-turned-actor is expected to continue his usual duties on "Law & Order," where he plays craggy, baritone-voiced Dist. Atty. Arthur Branch. The legal drama begins production on its 16th season Friday in New York....

As "Law & Order" creator and executive producer Dick Wolf wrote in an e-mail: "With his new presidential assignment, Fred has become the personification of life imitating art imitating life."

TRANSLATION: This man looks into a mirror and sees nothing.

Posted 5:29 PM by Gene

HEY SEN. BOOBS McKEATING! ANY PUBLICITY'S GOOD PUBLICITY -- FOR YOU! RIGHT?

Betcha THIS doesn't pop up on THE MOVIE'S OFFICIAL WEB SITE.

"I challenge the producer of that movie to go to Walter Reed Hospital and walk through the ward and see if he still wants to print out a fake Purple Heart."

I challenge SEN. BOOBS McKEATING TO DO LIKEWISE.

P. S. I wonder how many people at the OFFICIAL WEB SITE and ITS PARENT FIRM got DEFERMENTS.

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

I say, let Steve Wynn take all these bad musicals to Vegas -- if it'll get them out of BROADWAY.

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

Ho-hum, Airhead's photog is guilty. Does that make her prettier?

Posted 5:09 PM by Gene

More hard core GEEKDOM:

Chris_Yates [SIC] writes "mobiBlu is claiming to produce the world's smallest mp3 player, the DAH-1500 cube. The player is 24x24x24 millimeters (about the size of the tip of your finger or various small items), weighs 18 grams, uses OLED technology, and comes in a variety of colors. The 1GB version is currently selling for $130 at Wal-Mart. Buy one today, so you can lose it within a week!"

GO FOR IT!

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

The GREATEST B. O. EXPERT this side of PAUL DRECK says the BIZ is making money HAND OVER FIST. Well if the biz is making money HAND OVER FIST why did PAUL DRECK boast of down weekends for four months? Those zillions of unsold copies of Shrek 2 were "built into the business model"? Tell that to shareholders of DWA. I'm not sure we should take the BIZ' presto-changeo at face value; neither am I sure we should trust a man who saluted MICKEYMOUSE NIXON. Then again, would you trust any numbers from the show-biz MAFIA -- however they leaked them to our new greatest expert on B.O.?

I'd believe in this "death-spiral" shtick except that something has always pulled this rank pile of bad beef out of the fire -- first radio (which gave it an enormous promotional opportunity), then TV, then cable, then the VCR, then the DVD. We can only hope it works this time; but if DVD sales are flattening, doesn't that mean THE CONSPIRACY is safe -- for now?

Posted 9:28 AM by Gene

OoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooh:

Supreme Court nominee Judge John Roberts will be targeted by an 11th-hour dirty-tricks campaign designed to derail his Senate confirmation, Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol predicted on Sunday....

"[A] week before the confirmation begins, there will be some dirty trick, some personal attack, [that] will appear in the New York Times," Kristol predicted.

Okay PINCH, tell us -- WHAT IS IT?????

I know one thing: NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! inflicted a dirty trick on us -- AN NC.EUROSUNSA.COM AD.

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

Howie the Speed-Demon Hack types:

Sen. Rick Santorum has accused the Philadelphia Inquirer of having "outed" one of his staffers.

The Pennsylvania Republican made the charge on Fox's "O'Reilly Factor" last week after the Inquirer published a story headlined: "A Top Santorum Aide Is Gay."

Why on earth would the Inquirer run such a piece?

Because they don't like him?

Posted 5:43 PM by Gene

In more news of the LITERARY BIZ:

A man who authorities say could be the nation’s most prolific child molester was crafting a lengthy memoir about his sexual exploits with boys when he was arrested, police said.

Authorities also said they have cracked “99 percent” of the detailed code that Dean Schwartzmiller used in notebooks he kept, apparently to chronicle crimes both real and imagined.

Schwartzmiller was arrested earlier this month after investigators said they discovered notebooks with 36,700 handwritten entries of boys’ names, descriptions of their anatomy and codes for suspected sex acts.

Somehow I don't THINK Judith Regan would want to touch THAT.

P. S.

James Kevan, a defense attorney in Idaho, remembers Schwartzmiller. He coached football with him. The boys were about 11 or 12. Schwartzmiller went by the alias "Doc Lewis," because he supposedly was a psychiatrist or psychologist.

He was "charismatic," Kevan recalled. "Everybody took him at his word."

There was one telling incident. On the bus to a football game in Boise, Schwartzmiller announced it was time for a "jockstrap check."

This would be good for a laugh if it weren't sick. Or maybe it's just good for a sick laugh.

Posted 2:41 PM by Gene

I wish I'd seen this three days ago, but Rog luuuuuuuuuuuuuuves Lennon -- and its principal begetter:

I can't get over the irony of Clear Channel Entertainment producing a John Lennon musical. Clear Channel, destroyer of radio, masticator of the concert business, would have been Lennon's archenemy had he lived.

Don't worry Rog, CHEAP CHANNEL got masticated in its own right.

Posted 2:35 PM by Gene

GOD, what a striking visage you have Jonah! What a devilishly handsome face! What a rakish grin! Time to observe my beauty in the mirror again.

Wh-wh-what's THAT? I'm MORPHING into something! What IS it? No! No!!



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 2:26 PM by Gene

Sorry Andy, your standards drilled a hole through China long ago, and are deep into outer space.

Honest Jo, we know you think you and your fellow typists are hoots, but I'd need more hands than there are stars in the universe to count the times you NRO clowns have made asses of yourselves -- and misspelled to boot.

Posted 1:26 PM by Gene

Another reason WE should ELECT the NINE FINGERS: Judge Roberts won't say one word in edgewise about abortion, and Dick Durbin knows it. This is why these Nine Fingers confirmation haggles have become so excruciating; they're like talking with the Kremlin when the Kremlin isn't talking. And all the Fingers do is political. Better to have judges run forthrightly on their RECORDS than engage in their nitpicking evasive dishonesty. Better for US to VOTE the Nine Fingers in office.

Posted 12:37 PM by Gene

Excellent news! Despite the POLITICALLY-CORRECT CON-SER-VA-TIVE COMEDY two highly publicized movies are bombing -- and we're back to a down streak for the B.O.! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

Posted 11:47 AM by Gene

A-Myron A-Floren has a-died -- forgive us, but this is infinitely better than how the ignoramuses who are CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES put it: "'Lawrence Welk Show' Accordion Player Dies." He was a big part of the team that made musical meat-loaf on Saturdays, and if it was not great cuisine, it was still a kind of comfort food for the ears, and now we're stuck with GENIUS, and the whole world doesn't seem as good now.

Posted 11:36 AM by Gene

Here is what passes for SPEED on the Web: Jonah links to a link from the Prof about how RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is wasting money on a Web site -- five days after His POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! announced it -- and I linked to it!

There are days when I fear blogging is the moral equivalent of banging your head on a wall.

And I DON'T think Prof's wholly kidding either.

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

If the case does go to trial, don't expect R. Kelly's career to go anywhere but up. "Even if he goes to jail, I think he'll survive," said Cory Robbins, president of Robbins Entertainment. "R. Kelly is such a rare talent as a songwriter, singer and producer. He really is one of the biggest talents of his generation."

Asking a member of the RECORDED, er, SOUND CONSPIRACY to comment on one of the BIGGEST EARACHES, er, STARS is like asking a MAFIA DON to comment on his hitmen's SHOOTING.

We were thinking of giving you a NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD, Monique, but we'll save it for YOUR BOSS.

Oh HECK, we'll GIVE IT TO YOU ANYWAY!

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

OH oh, LITTLE JEFFY and his TAX-BREAK-HOARDING FRIENDS may launch a TRADE WAR!

Who says crime don't pay?

P. S.

General Electric, which runs its world operations from Fairfield, Connecticut, may save more than $8 billion over the next decade from the changes by avoiding U.S. taxes on the foreign profits of its financing businesses, according to an analysis by Democrats on the House Ways and Means Committee after Congress approved the new law.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

PINCH HOPES FOR A CIVIL WAR IN IRAQ!

GO! GO PINCH!!! GO!!!!!

Posted 9:11 AM by Gene

One of these things...

Harvard Medical School's major teaching hospitals are considering adopting a sweeping disclosure policy that would establish detailed procedures for physicians to openly acknowledge medical errors and other bad results to their patients, and provide for training in apologizing.

...is NOT like the other....

CHRONIC CONDITION The Waste in Medicare Spending
Bad Practices Net Hospitals More Money
High Quality Often Loses Out In the 40-Year-Old Program

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

Egypt Detains 70 in Deadly Resort Attacks

Does this mean lots of people were involved? Or does this mean Hosni's launched a show-offy fishing expedition?

Posted 8:53 AM by Gene

More than 1,200 city workers--most in jobs that are supposed to be free from political influence--belong to a select few groups that have supported Mayor Richard Daley, a Tribune investigation has found.

And most of those employees get their paychecks from City Hall departments targeted in a federal investigation of hiring.

Yep, I think hizzoner's chance at an indictment just went MORE up.

Posted 8:40 AM by Gene

Yes, it is very sad the London police shot the wrong man, but if I know NEWS HACKS this is all we'll hear about from now on, and the 56 who died to satisfy the holy cockroaches' tempers will be an obscure memory.

Posted 3:17 PM by Gene

Which reminds me, have mayors ALWAYS been fools? Not long ago I wended my way around our City Hall and noticed a statue ignored for decades -- a memorial to the "martyred" President McKinley. I can see a crowd of thousands at the dedication gathering around a mayor dressed to the eighteens let alone the nines, speaking in the most orotund of oratory, rolling his rrrrrrrrrrs and wearing the hoity-toitiest of British accents, "It behooooves me to say this grrrrrrand and grrrracious leaderrrrr, this patriOT of the ages, a man with the vision of Washington and the nobility of Lincoln, a man borne on the swelling chords of history to blahblahblah...." To be sure noble oratory was necessary with a monument adjacent a tower built with the noblest of graft. So that was one kind of mayor fool. Then came the Curley/Skeffingtons, who saw their job as robbing the candy store and giving the contents away to all the kids, and the grown-up kids too. Then came the REFORMERS, like the brave Richardson Dilworth, who seemed to live life in one perpetual tantrum as they tore down half their city centers for bland office buildings. Then came the type-A neighbahood hacks, the RIZZOS, the DALEY the ELDERS, those sitcom bosses who had all the schemes of Ralph Kramden and none of his lovability, who with their unceasing torrent of verbal heartburn proved that Archie Bunker could be mayor too. Then came the pioneering black mayors, who pioneered their cities into welfare dependency and corruption. The latest generation of fools are PR-driven frauds who look upon Taj Mahal stadiums and mammoth street festivals as the height of immortality, who seem bent on turning their towns into meccas for young rich neutered snobs, who live life with one perpetual phony smile, who think it is a grand achievement to get their cities NOTICED. They KNOW, even if they cannot or will not speak it, that unlike the great metropolises of yore, the New Yorks with their intellectual froth and the Chicagos with their bustling commerce, all the modern big city has to offer is grime and crime. No, mayors have always been fools, but now, as their cities sink into rubble beneath their hubris, their foolishness is becoming terminal.

Posted 3:11 PM by Gene

The home of THE FLYING KEYBOARD is in MOURNING because the career of the POET-LAUREATE OF DEEEEETROIT -- nay, the UNIVERSE -- may be coming to an end. To the six-digit suburb dwellers who prop their feet up on their desks to type doggie-doo like this monitor unseen, I say, go out into your city's streets, if you dare. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETROIT burned to the ground a long time before this genius flamed out.

Posted 12:41 PM by Gene

Becoming America's biggest financial poker game, making crappy TV and movies, helping the Indians build nukes -- POWER PLANTS...all in a day's work for GE BANCORP.

Little Jeffy gets his MONEY'$ WORTH with DUBYA!

Posted 12:26 PM by Gene

Sad:

ROANOKE, Va. (AP) -- Wal-Mart has ditched a program that helped single shoppers find love in the discount store's aisles.

Officials at Wal-Mart headquarters in Bentonville, Ark., ordered their Roanoke store to put an end to Singles Shopping, the only program of its kind at Wal-Mart's U.S. stores.

Taking a cue from Wal-Marts in Germany, the month-old program encouraged customers on Friday evenings to pick up a red bow they could place on their shopping carts as an invitation to other singles. "Flirt points" were set up in various sections of the store.

A Wal-Mart spokesman declined to comment on the reason behind the program's cancellation. But customer Dale Firebaugh, who showed up Friday night hoping to meet his match, said store employees told him several people had complained.

"I'm disappointed," said Firebaugh, 63. "Where can someone over 40 who doesn't smoke or drink or go to bars meet someone?"

Have you tried Kmart?

Posted 9:32 AM by Gene

Sen. Fatso Glub Glub had some of the LARD rendered from him at GITMO.

HUGE CAVEAT: These are two Washington Times reporters -- transcribed by NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9:31 AM by Gene

Simon Pluess, spokesman for the World Food Program in Geneva, is a brutally honest man. "When a humanitarian crisis gets big play in the media," he says, "donations flow in. Otherwise, there is no reaction."

Time for another LIVE 8?!?!?

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

Don't these holy cockroaches like ANYBODY?

Posted 8:55 PM by Gene

Another chance for NEWS HACKS to be crusading and totally unironic:

Kerry Seeks Release of Roberts' Documents

HARDY-HAR-HAR!!!!!

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

Whatever happened to Randolph Scott,
Ridin' the train alone?
Whatever happened to Gene and Tex
And Roy and Rex, The Durango Kid...

AND LIVE 8?

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

Another burgeoning tactic of NEWS HACKS is to treat Democratic Congressional "hearings" as legitimate. Indeed CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGE CALLS this a "hearing." Of course we don't have to worry about hearing with NEWS HACKS. They can't hear anyway.

And to COMPOUND the propaganda ANOTHER of those @#$%&* NC.EUROSUNSA.COM ADS POPPED UP!

Posted 4:55 PM by Gene

The LALATIMES in the post-OMERTA age may be even worse than the LALATIMES in the OMERTA age. If THE EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY is "going a little Nightline" (GOING?), what of the ad-blurb copywriter typing 1,142 WORDS about it?

Posted 4:50 PM by Gene

Our NEUHARTHISM-OF-THE-MONTH-AWARD-WINNING PANDA furrows the brows of ONE MUSIC LOVER:

R Kelly wrote:

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky

He belongs in jail for that, if for no other reason.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN!

Posted 2:40 PM by Gene

Guys, the next time PAUL DRECK advertises, could you at least ask him to PAY?

Posted 1:52 PM by Gene

So somebody calls CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES, and -- voila -- instant publicity!

In the old days these would have been called -- eccentrics. Today they're called -- HEROES.

A fool by any name is still a fool.

Posted 1:49 PM by Gene

"He knew that excesses are being done to Muslims. Incidents like desecration of the Koran have always been in his mind."

Was TOILETBOWL RAG in on this too?

Posted 11:25 AM by Gene

It's not Longhorn, it's VISTA.

Either way it's still a BULL in a china shop.

Posted 11:22 AM by Gene

Three leaders in the congressional campaign to discourage Chinese oil company CNOOC Ltd.'s acquisition of Unocal Corp. accepted campaign contributions from rival suitor Chevron Corp. in recent weeks, according to reports filed with the Federal Election Commission.

The lawmakers - Rep. Richard Pombo, R-Calif., Sen. Kent Conrad, D-N.D., and Sen. James Inhofe, R-Okla. - have been among the most vocal on Capitol Hill in criticizing CNOOC's proposed deal as anticompetitive and a threat to national security. The perception that Congress could delay or spike a CNOOC deal is viewed as a major factor in Unocal's decision to stick with Chevron despite its lower bid.

Well, at least they're not taking money from the CHINESE.

Who is?

Posted 11:10 AM by Gene

OMERTA goes out with BOTH PEA-SHOOTERS BLAZING:

I believe content had nothing to do with the circulation decline; if anything, the decline was mitigated by our content. Where does the blame lie? The list is long: 1. The scandal at Newsday, which prompted both our internal auditors and the Audit Bureau of Circulation to disallow certain types of sales that were previously considered legitimate. 2. The advent of the "do not call" list, which stymied our phone sales. 3. The reduction of the newspaper's cost base by more than $130 million annually, which cut the strength of marketing and promotion efforts, among others. 4. Issues on the business side that recently prompted the appointment of new directors of circulation and marketing. 5. And, of course, increased competition for readers' time. That's only a partial list.

TRANSLATION: I'm right and you're wrong. This DELUSIONAL ASS isn't finished in the NEWS BIZ. NEXT STOP: NEW YORK.

Posted 10:59 AM by Gene

VANITY FAIR LOST THE CASE!

They should NEVER have put LEW LAPHAM on the stand!

Oh well, for once we agree with that towering sycophant Gray: why the hell did this Humbert Humbert of the CI-NE-MA win?

Posted 8:36 AM by Gene

I don't know who "nc.eurosunsa.com" is, but I've noticed quite a few of its annoying popups have blossomed on my computers -- despite IE.

BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8:35 AM by Gene

We need to know most Web surfers are airheads?

Posted 8:17 AM by Gene

And yes, Jimmy, hacks do sit at their boxes and "bore the world", but it's not just hacks, and it's not just newspapers.

Posted 8:12 AM by Gene

The longer an article on some arcane change in economic policy, the less anyone has the foggiest idea what it means.

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

Google net rises more than fourfold

...and the shares went down $30 after hours.

PFFH-HH-HH!

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

People who do not submit to a search will be allowed to leave, but will not be permitted into the subway station. The police commissioner said officers would take pains to avoid singling people out for searches based on race or ethnicity.

"No racial profiling will be allowed," Mr. Kelly said. "It's against our policies. But it will be a systematized approach."

Honorary Mayor Mike is not serious. He'll search old ladies and babies, and be reelected in a landslide, and continue as the figurehead of the Big Apple.

Posted 11:38 AM by Gene

A deaf golfer will have one BIG advantage: he won't be thrown off by lummox fans yelling "YOU THE MAN!!!!!"

Posted 11:28 AM by Gene

Intense summer heat has killed 18 in Phoenix, 14 of whom may have been "homeless," and whom we wouldn't dare help because it might INFRINGE ON THEIR RIGHTS.

Including, we may presume, their RIGHT TO DIE.

Posted 11:18 AM by Gene

Study Reveals 80% Of Americans Still Have Little Interest In Satellite Radio

Translation: ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN's gonna have a tough time selling KA-KA JOKES, WEE-WEE JOKES and BIG-BAZOOM JOKES.

Posted 11:15 AM by Gene

JERNALISTS do it AGAIN:

An e-mail mistake by the Casey Journalism Center at the University of Maryland wrongly invited hundreds of journalists nationwide to the university's prestigious "Casey Medals" awards. The goof also launched a perpetual e-mail whirlwind as those who responded to the incorrect note unwittingly sent their feedback to everyone else on the recipient list.

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Posted 10:01 AM by Gene

Lieberman: Roberts Probably Not Extremist

You mean he won't engage in terrorist attacks?

Posted 9:15 AM by Gene

ROMY's is having a big dust-up over OMERTA and his successor. There's no way you can get out a good paper with organization-man bean counters in the publisher's office on the one side, obsessing over inane detail while devising every last cheap reader-insulting trick they can to halt defections, and the TRUE BELIEVERS of the luxury news suites on the other, who will march as one off a cliff for the truth -- always their truth, almost always a LIBERAL DEMOCRATIC truth.

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

Sounds like kids, and possibly not very smart ones.

Posted 8:44 AM by Gene

OH oh:

Dobson: 'Roberts Unquestionably Qualified'

Does that mean he's a big fan of JESUS SLASHER MOVIES?

Posted 6:03 PM by Gene

It's time to permalink to James Lileks!

Posted 5:50 PM by Gene

Suspect in Bush grenade incident detained

To whom did he belong?

Posted 5:49 PM by Gene

Now, that may be enough to get Washington all a bubble as of July 2005, but I would suggest that within a few years it will be as thoroughly forgotten as the question, "Who hired Craig Livingstone?" I say this as someone who tirelessly pressed that very question and who can no longer remember exactly why.

Yes, this is an "interesting" article.

Posted 5:43 PM by Gene

Back to $500 quadrillion a share for eBay, sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Posted 5:32 PM by Gene

Gerry Thomas, inventor of the TV dinner, lazy slobs like me will ALWAYS be in your debt.

And tonight, in his honor, I ate a TV dinner.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Gulp! The DR. EVILS of the game biz changed the rating on that scuzzball entertainment to "Adults Only," which probably means more people will buy it than before.

Follow-up: Nope, I guess not; Take Two's "SUSPENDING PRODUCTION," according to GameSpot, which it should have done the moment it INTRODUCED THE GAME.

Now do we crib from the DR. EVIL playbook and release an UNRATED VERSION?

Posted 5:20 PM by Gene

Computers and the Internet are complex things. The average user doesn't need to know everything about how it works any more than a driver needs to know what makes his car run.

Then again, cars don't give drivers cryptic error messages.

YET.

Posted 2:53 PM by Gene

Our Prognostication of the Year award goes to Tom Goldstein at SCOTUSBlog, who predicted Judge Roberts would be nominated -- LAST NOVEMBER!

Way to go, TOM!

Posted 2:43 PM by Gene

The stuff Daley doesn't know can fill a quarry

I'd say the odds of hizzoner being indicted just went UP.

"Daley's reputation is that he's a hands-on mayor, a detail mayor," U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr., a possible mayoral challenger, told me. "But you just can't take all the credit when things go well, and then, when things don't go well, you know nothing."

You can't?

DEFINITELY.

Posted 2:13 PM by Gene

THE GRANDEST STOOGE OF JERNALISM'S AT IT AGAIN:

Editor's Note: The following story may contain spoilers. If you'd rather not know anything, stop reading now.

CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!), anytime you BREAK WIND out of your NEWS HOLE you SPOIL my DAY.

By the way, I've got a new motto for your voluminous -- output: IF YOU'D RATHER NOT KNOW ANYTHING, START READING NOW.

Posted 1:56 PM by Gene

NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD WINNER! Hua Hsu -- that sounds like a name for a panda bear. Something tells me most panda bears would disown this PIECE.

Posted 1:52 PM by Gene

You were a hero Ken, but you loony-leftists don't want to be heroes, NO -- YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTHS.

The REUT gives this MORON a STANDING OVATION.

Posted 1:30 PM by Gene

OMERTA'S QUITTING!

Omerta may be gone but his CODE will live on.

Gray Davis thanks you, Little Michael thanks you, liberals everywhere thank you, and I thank you.

Some senior preacher at one of the JERNALISM THUMBSUCKERS calls OMERTA "one of the great editors, his editing came under fire for bogus reasons, blahblahblah," pretty well confirming he was a status-quo-endorsing liberal.

There's no doubt that the significance of journalism prizes can be overestimated....

Thirteen P-Ulitzers and declining circulation -- AMEN, BROTHER!

Posted 12:58 PM by Gene

This retired grocery clerk turned earl probably has more blue blood than most earls.

And if it's just blue ink it's still so.

Posted 12:10 PM by Gene

When the series ended in 1969, Doohan found himself typecast as Montgomery Scott, the canny engineer with a burr in his voice. In 1973, he complained to his dentist, who advised him: "Jimmy, you're going to be Scotty long after you're dead. If I were you, I'd go with the flow."

"I took his advice," said Doohan, "and since then everything's been just lovely."

Goodbye, Scotty, and happy voyages.

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

All those employee discounts and STILL GM loses money. Can't these clunkers do anything RIGHT?

Posted 8:56 AM by Gene

BIGMEDIA try yet again to put their fig leaf in a hothouse; but no matter what they do, it always SHRINKS.

P. S. ONE LINK in GoogleNews -- from the PR site VARIETY.COM.

Posted 8:51 AM by Gene

Judge Roberts wrote the opinion for the Appeals Court in the infamous “French fry in the Metro station” case, in which a 12-year-old girl was handcuffed, stripped of her shoelaces and shoved into a windowless van because she at a McDonald’s fry at a Metro stop.

The idiocy of the Metro cops here in DC is well-known, and we Metro riders are heartened by the fact that Judge Roberts suggested in his opinion that the police were a bit overzealous. At the same time, Judge Roberts and his fellow jurists rejected the 12-year-old’s claim that being arrested in the first place was a violation of her Fourth and Fifth Amendments. Judge Roberts sided with those who argued that the District of Columbia has the right to have dopey, draconian laws and the right to enforce them in embarrassingly ham-fisted ways.

That’s good news all around.

It is?

Posted 8:48 AM by Gene

OH oh:

President Bush last night nominated John G Roberts, a conservative judge who once wrote a legal opinion arguing against abortion rights....

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL.

And his WIFE was a PRO-LIFE ACTIVIST!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALPH!!!!! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABS!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8:33 AM by Gene

What is with these ac-TORS? Cameron's an absolute airhead (and a decreasingly cute one at that), but you would think morons like this would know their sordid private lives can and will be used against them. But then these knuckleheads have even less sense than their puppetmasters.

Posted 8:10 AM by Gene

You know, we're running out of ways to say, "Look, another horror remake" without repeating ourselves.

SO STOP REPEATING.

Posted 6:59 AM by Gene

Pity Suzanne Somers. There is no laugh track in a theater.

P. S. The CAST PARTY included this all-star line-up: "FRANKIE AVALON, LES MOONVES, JULIE CHEN, MARY BONO, ALAN SIMPSON, and ALAN HAMEL" [SIC]. Simpson used to be a Congressman, I think -- no relation to THE Simpsons, so far as I know -- and he was reduced to saying, "Before they check on Karl Rove, they ought to check on poor old BOB NOVAK" [SIC].

Bob's NOT poor, and he's six months older.

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

Here we all think Dubya's obtuse, and he goes ahead and makes a fine choice that confounds his opponents.

Or did HE make it?

Posted 6:29 AM by Gene

A textbook definition of psychosis:

The father of one of the hijackers who commandeered the first plane that crashed into the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, praised the recent terror attacks in London and said many more would follow.

But a mental case who looks after his own:

When asked if he would allow a CNN crew to videotape another interview with him, el-Amir said he would give his permission -- for a price of $5,000.

That money, he said, would not be kept for himself, but would be donated to someone to carry out another terror attack.

El-Amir said that $5,000 was about how much it would cost to finance another attack in London.

It is CNN policy not to pay people for interviews.

TIME WARNER DIDN'T PAY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

P. S.

The security guard for the apartment building said el-Amir had been under surveillance by Egyptian agents for several months after the September 11 attacks, but no one had been watching him recently.

Someone should; soon he'll be walking the streets naked and setting fire to houses.

Posted 8:08 PM by Gene

And in other news of AAAAAAAAAATTITUDE, Larry Brown was NOT bought out.

Posted 8:04 PM by Gene

Williams cleared to report Sunday to Dolphins

How long before he says again, I WANT MY POT!?

Posted 8:00 PM by Gene

Prez has chosen somebody named Roberts, and conservatives are happy.

Get ready for a

FOOD FIGHT.

Posted 6:36 PM by Gene

Speaking of FAKE -- and SENATORS:

"In Washington, I work with boobs every day."

We know all about boobs, senator. That's how you and your fellow high priests view US. We know all about your sense of humor too: your funniest jokes came with THE KEATING FIVE.

And a big no-thank-you to THE DEWWWB for linking to this.

Posted 6:34 PM by Gene

So demoralized are we that we can't work up even the slightest anger over something like the last paragraph here; all we can do is think of the toadies surrounding show business, and their cries of PRUDE! and FIRST AMENDMENT!, and preening SENATORS working up FAKED OUTRAGE.

Posted 3:34 PM by Gene

I'm all for re-examining the death penalty as an all-purpose tool for miscreants, but why do the folks doing the re-examining ALWAYS have to do it for PC REASONS?

Posted 3:28 PM by Gene

What do this story about comic-book cultist imbeciles and this story about how movies are going to hell have in common?

Beats me.

P. S. Bill is rehearsing for a NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK award.

Posted 1:57 PM by Gene

Who wants to wager on an indictment for hizzoner the mayor of Chicago?

Posted 12:21 PM by Gene

HP may not be unloading Compaq, but it's getting there.

Posted 12:12 PM by Gene

Our favorite overbusted model's at it again:

Anna Nicole Smith continues to live up to her reputation as a party girl.

The former reality-TV star stunned crowds with her outrageous behavior in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina recently. "She entered a wet T-shirt contest at a club called Freaky Tiki and exposed herself and got into a loud fight with some guy everyone says is her boyfriend," a source tells The Scoop.

Fans were buzzing about Anna’s antics on her Web site. "I just want to tell all y'all out there in Anna land that all this stuff is true because I saw . . . it with my own 2 eyes!!!!!!!!" one person posted. [You may not have two eyes after seeing her. --ED.] "She is there with her boyfriend and his friends and family. She was wandering aimlessly around [a] house looking for [pills]. Her boyfriend kept telling her to quit."

Quit? NEVER!

Posted 12:03 PM by Gene

Roman Polanski was unable to tell the truth when it mattered, lawyers said on Tuesday in a libel trial in which the film director is testifying via video link from Paris.

The 71-year-old is suing publishers of Vanity Fair magazine for a 2002 article which alleged he tried to seduce a "Swedish beauty" while on the way to his slain wife's funeral in 1969....

Polanski has admitted in court to having sex with a woman within one month of Tate's death, and within four months of the murder seeking solace in sex with "nubile" teenagers from finishing school in Gstaad, Switzerland.

We may wonder if such hot stuff is capable of telling the truth.

Vanity Fair said the gist of the article is true, and intends to call LEWIS LAPHAM, the source of the Polanski anecdote, to the witness stand. Polanski denies it ever took place.

YOU'VE LOST THE CASE!

Posted 11:49 AM by Gene

Bush said to be close to Supreme Court decision

Wanna bet it's AG WHO? anyway?

Manuel Miranda, head of the Third Branch Conference, a coalition of about 200 conservative groups, said if [Judge Edith] Clement [a 5th Circuit judge and an allegedly leading name] is the nominee, "the president is playing it safe."

"Edith Clement has practically no paper trail," Miranda said, noting that she has been on the federal appeals court since only 2001.

"She is a conservative, and she would be acceptable," Miranda said. "But she doesn't have a clear record on a number of issues, and has caused some concerns on religious liberty issues."

Remember DAVID SOUTER? Be careful what you wish for....

Posted 9:02 AM by Gene

America's most popular athlete-bully adds another NOTCH to his -- resume.

Posted 8:14 AM by Gene

[Thomas L. Friedman] has fashioned a career out of locating or inventing a crude symbolic shorthand to explain and even popularize complex international phenomena while relying on a small cast of elites from politics, academia, and business to agree with his global clichés. But what started out as a clever decoding device has, in Friedman’s 10th year on the country’s most coveted op-ed real estate, become the crutch of a self-caricaturing hack.

Say bye-bye behind the WALL, Tommy!

Posted 8:06 AM by Gene

Hollywood assumes that slime is a reporter's middle name

THE POT....

Posted 6:33 AM by Gene

RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s wasting money on the Web too!

Posted 6:32 AM by Gene

MORE than a quarter of a million failed asylum-seekers are still living in Britain, despite the Government’s drive to increase the number of removals.

It would appear The Permanently Adolescent PM doesn't care much about this either.

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

I think I see the M.O. for today: news hacks chirping and skipping and smiling, "WE LOST THE WAR IN VIETNAM! HA HA HA HA!!" But to quote again Ronald Reagan's stirring words, "There is a lesson for us all in Vietnam...let us tell those who fought that war that we will never again ask young men to fight and possibly die in a war that our government is afraid to let them win." Gen. Westmoreland may not have been the best commander, but it wasn't his fault.

Posted 8:34 PM by Gene

I'm sure we all feel quite sorry for you, JUNIOR, but tell us -- whatever happened to the guy who ran over your brother?

Posted 5:40 PM by Gene

The ESRB...with all of the resources of the $10 billion video game industry at its disposal, still can't seem to figure it out. Or maybe they just don't want to. Or perhaps they aren't allowed to. Or perhaps they have but they're just not telling us. In light of the ESRB's utter failure to live up to its responsibilities in this fiasco, there are only two conclusions that can be reached:

- the ESRB has the most incompetent investigators this side of the Keystone Kops

or

- the ESRB's "watchdog" role is irretrievably compromised by their lack of accountability to anyone but the video game industry

or

- all of the above

Whichever answer you choose, this fatally flawed system must change.

Fat chance. DR. EVIL STILL RULES THE LAND.

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

And speaking of show-biz, here's A GREAT CAREER MOVE:

Jude Law publicly apologized to his actress-fiancee, Sienna Miller, expressing his ''sincere regret'' over an affair with one of his children's nanny [SIC]....

Earlier this year, Miller said she and Law were in no hurry to tie the knot. "I'm not going to get married this year," she was quoted as telling reporters in February. "There's no rush, we're just happy to be engaged."

Take your time!

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

Hmmm, state pension funds are getting into REAL ESTATE!

Do I smell smoke?

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

Perhaps, Roger L. Simon, this explains the demise of an "indie" movie:

It's easy to get fooled by the surface of Kwik Stop—the semi-deadpan tone to some scenes; the debt to road-movie iconography—you think that you've seen its like before. It takes a while to realize that this is a road movie in which nobody goes anywhere—at least nowhere they want to go.

We've seen it before, and nobody goes anywhere. Sounds like a scintillating movie! For the umpteenth time, guys, MOVIES STINK because our culture stinks, our education stinks, our shores aren't being flooded by brilliant immigrants, it isn't a new medium anymore -- and we've all become too self-centered for inspiration to happen, except for STINKIER MOVIES.

Posted 3:20 PM by Gene

OH oh, rumblings from ROMY again -- and from the upper clouds of ST. WARREN'S HEAVEN:

"Why did we promise limited confidentiality to someone who we knew, or had strong reason to believe, was continuing to commit crimes, and what role did the fact that we were preparing to write a story about him have in egging him on to even more spectacular feats? What are our obligations as journalists and citizens in a situation like this?"

I don't know what obligations you have as citizens -- seems to me your only obligations are to hog the limelight and the dough -- but I do know as JERNALISTS you're SUPPOSED to be APPRECIATIVE of ART.

Or as the omBUUUUUUUUDSman BURPS:

Some people simply don't like feature stories about alleged criminals, terrorists, insurgents or other miscreants because they feel such stories often are "sympathetic" or "glorify" the subject or deed.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, could be!

Posted 3:04 PM by Gene

Another one of the PAPER OF RE-CORD's show-biz spinmeisters insists the Christian audience is jes folks -- they watch the same crappy movies everyone else does.

I can believe it -- many of them are con-SER-va-tive -- but I have trouble believing a factotum for Reed Elsevier, the company that publishes the weekly press-release anthology VARIETY. I also have trouble believing him when his division's Web site lists the LATEST VARIETY headlines -- ALL FROM MID-MARCH.

Posted 1:05 PM by Gene

Ten days after Islamic radicals carried out deadly attacks on the London transport system, Britain's largest Sunni Muslim group on Sunday issued a binding religious edict, a fatwa, condemning the July 7 suicide bombings as the work of a "perverted ideology."

Well, MAYBE we won't have to think that.

Posted 1:00 PM by Gene

Two questions:

1. How long will NEWS HACKS play up this story to force a groupthink-suitable APOLOGY?

2. What IF HOLY COCKROACHES DO nuke us?

Posted 11:14 AM by Gene

Meantime, while news hacks gleefully spread THAT profound truth, we learn three of the HOLY COCKROACHES of LONDON visited PAKISTAN.

Y'all come back now, hear?

Posted 10:27 AM by Gene

THE REUT DOES IT AGAIN:

Backing the United States in Iraq has put Britain more at risk from terror attacks, an influential British think tank said Monday....

"The U.K. is at particular risk because it is the closest ally of the United States," the security experts said in the report from the Royal Institute of International Affairs, commonly known here as Chatham House.

OR:

Here returned to print, at a timely moment in history, is Elie Kedourie's classic study of the Middle East in modern times. In analyzing British failures in the region during the zenith of their power and influence, Mr. Kedourie attributes much of Britain's faulty and disastrous handling of Middle East problems to what he calls "the Chatham House version." It was a view of Middle Eastern history and politics propounded and propagated in the various publications of the Royal Institute of International Affairs (known popularly as Chatham House), written or edited by Arnold Toynbee. The episodes that Mr. Kedourie investigates show "successive and cumulative manifestations of illusion, misjudgment, maladroitness, and failure." Together they point up hard lessons for the Bush administration or any outside power that would intervene in Middle Eastern affairs.

BIG CAVEAT: Amazon.com features endorsements from the usual gang of idiots. That said, I'd sooner trust a publisher's spiel than THE REUT.

P. S. A New Criterion "Note" on the book.

Posted 10:20 AM by Gene

The audience composition of NETWORK TELEVISION'S GREATEST SERIES EVER would make for an interesting story. Instead MORT ZUCK earns a NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD for running a PLUG -- in a MOST DUBIOUS WAY.

Posted 10:11 AM by Gene

But retailers also began to lower their prices almost immediately and in one case offered earlier customers partial refunds, signaling that millions of copies remain available in bookstores, warehouses and used-book outlets.

TRANSLATION: I think there'll be an awful lot of RECYCLING going on soon!

Posted 9:15 AM by Gene

This remarkable article (remarkable for having run in the LALATIMES -- and for having RUN AT ALL) and Mr. Pipes's blast of the BRITS have something in common: they point to an unwillingness to tackle menaces in society for no better reason than that we may HURT somebody. [C]RAPPERS are "cockroaches." There's an analogy! Okay, so how do we take care of cockroaches? With LITERACY. So we educate ourselves in cockroaches, know the various breeds, how they procreate, how many baby cockroaches they breed, where they live, where they eat, where they go to the toilet, how often they go to the toilet, how they spread diseases by going to the toilet, maybe we even begin to try to UNDERSTAND them -- and meantime while we're busy doing all this LITERACY our living space CRAWLS WITH COCKROACHES. The Brits did the same thing with THEIRS, and look what it got them -- 55 dead in London. So long as we take the attitude that we should confront evil with the equivalent of homeopathy, administered in a spirit of abject apology, we can expect the inevitable "PAYBACK."

Posted 9:11 AM by Gene

The SUN-TIMES honors a BIG PROFIT CENTER!

And a THUMBS UP for all those THUMBS UP!

Posted 8:50 AM by Gene

The FRENCH -- strong on TERRORISM?!?

Sacre bleu!

Posted 8:36 AM by Gene

In New York State, when it comes to health coverage for the poor, to quote Ronald Reagan, wehell, I guess we've HIT THE JACKPOT.

[A]fter being informed of The Times's findings, the Republican majority in the State Senate began a push recently to overhaul the system intended to protect Medicaid, which has been sharply reduced even as Gov. George E. Pataki and lawmakers have nearly doubled the program's budget over the last decade. The Democratic majority in the Assembly has remained on the sidelines. So has Mr. Pataki.

On the sidelines? HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!!

"Got a Medicaid card?" one of the men shouted one day last November. "Come in and get your free CD player right now!"

Hey Dubya! That's an idea! (Brand names only, please.)

Posted 8:32 AM by Gene

And here I think USAOKAY!!!!!'s becoming decent -- I've linked to it three times thus far -- and here they go and run their typical PR and more PR.

NEUHARTHISM LIVES. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

We can eternally hope for the moderate Muslim to win out, but when (survey says) a quarter of Islam in six countries likes kabooming civilians, it must remain -- a hope.

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

Before -- convention centers. Now -- AIRPORT TERMINALS.

Who gets bankrupted first?

Posted 8:24 AM by Gene

The Einsteins who unleashed their social engineering on us these last few decades have made it much more likely kids will grow up as basket cases.

But that's what social engineering is all about -- so it can SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS.

The USA has the lowest percentage among Western nations of children who grow up with both biological parents, 63%, the report says.

I wonder if the TWIN TOWERS of QUACKDOM, psychologists and NEWS HACKS, can find a silver lining in THAT.

Posted 8:17 PM by Gene

Diane Disney Miller was there. Art Linkletter was there. The Governator was there.

WAS COMPANY FOUNDER MICKEYMOUSE NIXON THERE?

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

WALTER "SPYWARE" WINCHELL GETS HIS REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!

I'd be careful though about throwing out those buggy computers. Unless you remove the hard drive you may have something worse than mere spyware -- like an invitation to identity theft.

Posted 3:43 PM by Gene

The Congresspoops' favorite fuel has a -- side effect:

Farmers, businesses and state officials are investing millions of dollars in ethanol and biofuel plants as renewable energy sources, but a new study says the alternative fuels burn more energy than they produce.

I don't know -- doesn't all the GAS they produce equal the score?

Posted 3:34 PM by Gene

When a new Jack or Bob or Mike station enters a market, there tends to be a spike in ratings. But according to a new study by the ratings service Arbitron and Edison Media Research, Jack and Bob face two problematic trends. At many such stations the audience size has diminished as the novelty of the format wears off, and the time each person spends listening to the station - an important statistic for advertisers - is fairly low, suggesting that people tune in for the fun of the songs but tune out in a short time for what other stations offer: on-air personalities and local news, perhaps.

"What you end up with is a lifeless station," said Robert Unmacht, a consultant at iN3 Partners in Nashville.

Or in CHEAP CHANNEL speak:

WE DON'T MAKE MONEY FROM ANNOUNCERS! WE MAKE MONEY FROM ADS! WHO CARES IF THE STATION'S LIFELESS -- SO LONG AS THERE'S LIFE IN THEM ADS!!!!!

Posted 3:25 PM by Gene

OH oh, in Useless News' mammoth plug for JKCORP the man who says unadulterated TIME WARNER is a PANACEA may not be as GUNG-HO as he USED to be:

[N]ew forms of media undoubtedly have some benefits, says Steven Johnson, author of Everything Bad Is Good for You. Video games improve problem-solving skills; TV shows promote mental gymnastics by forcing viewers to follow intertwining story lines. But books offer experience that can't be gained from these other sources, from building vocabulary to stretching the imagination. "If they're not reading at all," says Johnson, "that's a huge problem."

You mean they can't stretch their imaginations with HOT COFFEE?!?!?