THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
![[Powered by Blogger]](http://buttons.blogger.com/bloggerbutton1.gif){kind=small}
Sunday, August 31, 2003
Well, being of Jell-O mind I let AOL install its new SUPER-DUPER 9.0 on my system. It's got all sorts of cute colors and animations and features -- and it still disconnects automatically. WHEW! You had me worried, King Richard!
"You know that joke, `Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?' " Mr. Epstein said. "It became a joke because over time, nobody went there anymore It was forgotten. Because that's what happens when you build things for the dead and not for the living."
Alas, in post-apocalypse America, we don't build things for the living.
Alas, in post-apocalypse America, we don't build things for the living.
MORE WORK FOR WHORVIS:
In [Gerald] Posner's stark judgment, the Saudis "effectively had (bin Laden) on their payroll since the start of the [1990s]."
How do we spin our way out of THAT one, oh grand noble exalted humanity-hating royal poobahs?
In [Gerald] Posner's stark judgment, the Saudis "effectively had (bin Laden) on their payroll since the start of the [1990s]."
How do we spin our way out of THAT one, oh grand noble exalted humanity-hating royal poobahs?
George Will mentions Ike, but Wesley Clark sure looks more and more like Gen. McClellan. McClellan was the thinking-man general -- a man who thought and thought and thought so much he couldn't win a war. With this sudden drumbeat of news-hack support, one can be sure so is Wesley Clark.
A message in my Amazon.com "mailbox":
Isn't it about time you broke down and bought Windows XP?
Judging from recent news I'd say Windows XP will break down first.
Isn't it about time you broke down and bought Windows XP?
Judging from recent news I'd say Windows XP will break down first.
Another reason we should trust BLUNDER:
Mullah Abdul Jabar, recently appointed governor of Zabul by the Taliban, told Reuters early Sunday by satellite telephone that his forces were easily defending themselves and inflicting heavy casualties on their enemies.
He also said the Taliban had downed a U.S. helicopter on Thursday, and that five U.S. soldiers had been killed in the incident.
And at REUTERS, where Your Terrorist is Our Freedom Fighter™, they're saying, "Please, please, let it be so, please, please!"
(Note the word "appointed," by the way. I guess Reuters is now in the business of recognizing states.)
Mullah Abdul Jabar, recently appointed governor of Zabul by the Taliban, told Reuters early Sunday by satellite telephone that his forces were easily defending themselves and inflicting heavy casualties on their enemies.
He also said the Taliban had downed a U.S. helicopter on Thursday, and that five U.S. soldiers had been killed in the incident.
And at REUTERS, where Your Terrorist is Our Freedom Fighter™, they're saying, "Please, please, let it be so, please, please!"
(Note the word "appointed," by the way. I guess Reuters is now in the business of recognizing states.)
I have given up trying to get truth from news hacks on subjects like this. BLUNDER has spent the last six months badmouthing our Iraq campaign, and Norman Thomas's grandson famously said the CIA was near mass suicide because the BEEB (most likely) told it the STREET was about to rise. This article ends with the foregone conclusion that Afghanistan is a goner. Best to think the worst about Osama, to fend off an unpleasant surprise, but we'll never know from the hermetically-sealed luxury news suites at BuffettMedia.
Two other reasons not to trust this story: BLUNDER's sources are the Taliban, and the first word of the headline is "Rumors." Wasn't BLUNDER's gaseous editor Mark whining to Lord Koppel of Eisner after L'Affaire Blair that nobody believes us?
Two other reasons not to trust this story: BLUNDER's sources are the Taliban, and the first word of the headline is "Rumors." Wasn't BLUNDER's gaseous editor Mark whining to Lord Koppel of Eisner after L'Affaire Blair that nobody believes us?
Saturday, August 30, 2003
I see from the latest exercise in business puffery called Barron's that one of LEGENDARY WELCH's pupils is "thriving" at 3M. How do they know? Well, he gave it a dose of Six Sigma, fired people, lots of people, changed the corporate name from Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing (somewhat obsolete and long-winded, I'll admit) to yell, I RUN THIS COMPANY!!!!!, and ran up the stock. Only the sales -- er analysts think it's run up too much. Unfortunately, with Barron's, when it predicts A, what usually happens is 3M to Z.
Oh Little Jeffrey! There's something wrong with your Six Sigma page. Think we should fire some people?
Oh Little Jeffrey! There's something wrong with your Six Sigma page. Think we should fire some people?
I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I, an obsessive girl watcher, don't really want to see many more young women with bare midriffs. For three reasons:
1) They have love handles, or what ad copywriters used to call "lardosis", plus their bellies tend to quiver when they walk, not exactly the height of femininity;
2) Some wear tattoos, almost always a blotchy blue, which sometimes too proudly suggest that they extend to the private parts; and
3) To paraphrase the immortal Oscar Hammerstein II, many of the midriff barers are broad where a broad should be narrow, and they're narrow where a broad should be broad.
Or to paraphrase another great lyricist, Johnny Mercer, women's clothes used to accen-chu-ate the positive. Now they elim-I-nate it. That's what you get for messin' with Ms. In-Between.
Fortunately summer is ending, and now we can see more women in ugly dirty-looking jeans.
1) They have love handles, or what ad copywriters used to call "lardosis", plus their bellies tend to quiver when they walk, not exactly the height of femininity;
2) Some wear tattoos, almost always a blotchy blue, which sometimes too proudly suggest that they extend to the private parts; and
3) To paraphrase the immortal Oscar Hammerstein II, many of the midriff barers are broad where a broad should be narrow, and they're narrow where a broad should be broad.
Or to paraphrase another great lyricist, Johnny Mercer, women's clothes used to accen-chu-ate the positive. Now they elim-I-nate it. That's what you get for messin' with Ms. In-Between.
Fortunately summer is ending, and now we can see more women in ugly dirty-looking jeans.
Have you ever been stuck in a hospital room, fighting an intransigent hospital gown, itching like psoriasis to get out, and all you have for reading matter is a backdate Reader's Digest? I've just come across the latest issue and can say without fear of contradiction that it's the worst magazine in history. This number is devoted to humor, which when RD is through with it is literally no laughing matter. You're led inside with the promise of 50 jokes -- only to leaf and leaf through rag and discover you can't find them! From there it's onto an article by a groveling ex-ATWOLA hack named Stefan Kanfer about the funniest movies ever -- only you soon learn it has a catch. "Now STEF," said some editor seeing the number 11 on the wall, "WE DON'T WANT ANY MOVIES FROM BEFORE KENNEDY WAS SHOT! We don't want newbies to think our readership is stuck in the distant past in some old trailer park with Ike and Lawrence Welk! WE WANT A YOUNGER DEMOGRAPHIC! So REMEMBER Stef, NO OLD MOVIES!!" And Stef, knowing what it is like to be a Lucean bobblehead, gives a hearty "Yes-SUH boss," and commands his upper extremities, "Hands, do yo' stuff!" and Stefan Fetchit writes exactly what his editors wanted -- which, as it happens, is pure unreadable buncombe. (Don't be misled by the Web version. Only THE MOVIES FROM AFTER KENNEDY WAS SHOT are in the rag.) So numbing is the RD formula that even Joe Queenan, the free-lancer who defines acerbic, had his style bleached out. This magazine should be burned, or taken out back somewhere and put out of its misery.
The EisnerCorp Network News site has another blurb on slut-lit. What's notable is that yet another news hack (female, natch) shows a knack at math. $71 million out of a $23 billion business is a "phenomenon"? That's .309 percent of sales. This is why we get practical jokes over the Iraqi war dead. Who can believe these morons?
One more word: some time back I linked to a story about the 4,938,000th translation of the Bible that summed everything up in one sentence but went on for 500 paragraphs. The same with this story. "Critics dismiss the books as nothing more than trendy beach reads." Isn't that all one needs to know? When these infernal hacks encounter the truth it's always by accident, and it's always buried in the story.
One more word: some time back I linked to a story about the 4,938,000th translation of the Bible that summed everything up in one sentence but went on for 500 paragraphs. The same with this story. "Critics dismiss the books as nothing more than trendy beach reads." Isn't that all one needs to know? When these infernal hacks encounter the truth it's always by accident, and it's always buried in the story.
I see the Inside.com site has been abandoned. Sad. I once went there three or four times a day for show-biz news. Now reliable coverage is impossible to find. Did the go-get-'em attitude die out with the Web bubble?
Hmmm. And Two Saudis too!
Thanks for your cooperation in the War on Terror, dear grand holy poohbah clients of Whorvis!
Thanks for your cooperation in the War on Terror, dear grand holy poohbah clients of Whorvis!
More philistinism in show-biz -- this surrounding the funding of LALA's new concert hall, named for the founder of EisnerCorp:
[O]nce the Disney clan, the anonymous contributor of $7.5 million, $1.1-million donor Ginny Mancini (the widow of composer Henry Mancini) and composer and $1-million donor John Williams are set aside, not one major entertainment industry company, executive, producer, director or star can be found at the million-dollar level.
Who needs those moldy old three B's when we're making masterpieces every day?
[O]nce the Disney clan, the anonymous contributor of $7.5 million, $1.1-million donor Ginny Mancini (the widow of composer Henry Mancini) and composer and $1-million donor John Williams are set aside, not one major entertainment industry company, executive, producer, director or star can be found at the million-dollar level.
Who needs those moldy old three B's when we're making masterpieces every day?
Here's one Muslim country that won't smirk contentedly at the name al Qaeda.
But why are our guys always on vacation?
But why are our guys always on vacation?
Friday, August 29, 2003
Very bad news for mass sanity: ASWIA is going hog wild again, using "consumer spending" as an excuse.
WHAT WILL STOP THESE IDIOTS FROM FINANCING CRAPPY TELEVISION?!?!?
Which is not to say these idiots don't CARE about television. They've issued GUIDELINES (a .pdf file) -- for TV commericials -- that include such suggestions as, "Consider shooting in secondary U.S. markets as well as off-shore." And, "Evaluate the number of shoot days required." And, "Set up a profit center for music." (In other words, make money from jingles -- a dubious proposition, as most ASWIA members use sixties rock in their spots.) And of course, the requisite "40-page" DilbertMemos. All this rigamarole about controlling the shoot in commercials -- when COMPUTERS AUTOMATICALLY BUY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THEY'RE PLACED IN!!!!!
WHAT WILL STOP THESE IDIOTS FROM FINANCING CRAPPY TELEVISION?!?!?
Which is not to say these idiots don't CARE about television. They've issued GUIDELINES (a .pdf file) -- for TV commericials -- that include such suggestions as, "Consider shooting in secondary U.S. markets as well as off-shore." And, "Evaluate the number of shoot days required." And, "Set up a profit center for music." (In other words, make money from jingles -- a dubious proposition, as most ASWIA members use sixties rock in their spots.) And of course, the requisite "40-page" DilbertMemos. All this rigamarole about controlling the shoot in commercials -- when COMPUTERS AUTOMATICALLY BUY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THEY'RE PLACED IN!!!!!
Why is it the more I blog, the more I feel under the spell of Big Media?
It sounds to me like the folks at Vivendi would be better off keeping their MESSIER.
And in further delusions:
The proven ability of GE and NBC to implement strict cost controls and maximize profits from operations could allow them to realize between $10 billion and $15 billion additional value from the new media company over the first five years, according to sources familiar with their forecasts.
SYYYYYYYYYYYNERGYYYYYYYYYYY....
And in further delusions:
The proven ability of GE and NBC to implement strict cost controls and maximize profits from operations could allow them to realize between $10 billion and $15 billion additional value from the new media company over the first five years, according to sources familiar with their forecasts.
SYYYYYYYYYYYNERGYYYYYYYYYYY....
Already I can hear the knee-jerk conservatives and the Buttmans and the Dow 36,000s sneering, but it makes sense that Mallopia, so entirely car-dependent, so utterly free from inconveniences like sidewalks, would add inches to waistlines.
Thompsonism -- a professor-tenuring tuition-wasting monster whose sole purpose is to entrench the worst of big media in higher learning for the sake of intellectual masturbation -- grows more tentacles.
We feel so, so terribly sorry for you people, but unfortunately, your misery is entirely self-inflicted.
Let 'em eat nukes!
Let 'em eat nukes!
Sorry to be redundant, but it's days like these, when confronted with press releases like this, that I feel the loss of Mike Royko and Michael Kelly most fearfully. These two could cut through the crud better than anyone, but I guess God had use for their talents, and so we're stuck with unfunny comedians like Maureen, liars like ADVERTISEMENT, and flat out seat warmers like the dimwits who extruded this.
And for the umpteenth time, I must further remind the three computers who scan my blog, the flip side of press releases is QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And for the umpteenth time, I must further remind the three computers who scan my blog, the flip side of press releases is QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Treason pays!
I wonder how many of these American firms are PC on everything and also members of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers. Big business's contempt for the public has no limits.
I wonder how many of these American firms are PC on everything and also members of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers. Big business's contempt for the public has no limits.
Thursday, August 28, 2003
I wish I could be so skilled at doing something stupid so as to make six figures. But I say again to the whole crowd that eats, breathes and sleeps video games: GET A LIFE!
Hmmm, perhaps the news hacks can pass -- A JOHN GEOGHAN MEMORIAL ACT!!!!!
We're getting close to AUGUSTA territory here.
We're getting close to AUGUSTA territory here.
Eloquent as Victor Davis Hanson is, what he says very eloquently can be summed up in eight words: It's us and the Iraqis against the world.
That's a pretty good face-off if you ask me.
That's a pretty good face-off if you ask me.
This surgeon's been sued 78 times for malpractice, he's paid out 45 times for $13.3 million, and he's just now having his license suspended -- TEMPORARILY?
This sounds like regulatory malpractice.
This sounds like regulatory malpractice.
Philadelphia isn't the only city with Rendelltorium problems.
Someone tell these delusional mayors -- "THE ARTS" is not a silver bullet!
Someone tell these delusional mayors -- "THE ARTS" is not a silver bullet!
The unjustly punished champion of unconventional sex was placed in an inappropriate unit!
HACKS!!!!! Why don't you just say you LOVE JOHN!!!!!
HACKS!!!!! Why don't you just say you LOVE JOHN!!!!!
A Great American Hero is back in the clink again.
How many times? I've lost count. News hacks would never count for a Great American Hero.
How many times? I've lost count. News hacks would never count for a Great American Hero.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Calif. Gov. Slams Schwarzenegger's Inexperience
Oooh, ya shouldna done that, Gov! People might slam your experience.
Oooh, ya shouldna done that, Gov! People might slam your experience.
"Picking a school based on whether it’s number 1, 12 or 22 just isn't the thing to do."
But they do it -- because you did it.
But they do it -- because you did it.
Mr. Shakedown extracts a nice jingle of pocket change!
Must have been for all the hard work after 9/11 (nyuk nyuk). Or maybe it was all the hard work trying to get a $1 billion tax subsidy for a new trading floor. Whatever it was, congratulations, SHAKEDOWN!
Must have been for all the hard work after 9/11 (nyuk nyuk). Or maybe it was all the hard work trying to get a $1 billion tax subsidy for a new trading floor. Whatever it was, congratulations, SHAKEDOWN!
Now it's -- ANTI-PSYCHOTIC DRUGS.
The mangy news hack mutts won't release their bad-breath grasp from this j'accuse, will they.
The mangy news hack mutts won't release their bad-breath grasp from this j'accuse, will they.
Some idiot consultancy with lots of corporate clients and too much time on its hands puts out a "study" that "proves" that some big companies deserve their vastly inflated reps! Among the top 10 in this moronic survey: EisnerCorp (teehee), Bill the Entomologist (pffh-hh-hh), the biggest of the Clunker Brothers (chortle chortle), the company behind the Frozen Coke Accounting Slushee Fund (HA HA HA!) -- and AOL! (HARDY HAR HAR!!!!!)
In reality, all this "study" proves is that news hacks stink. Consider this damning observation:
[D]amaging stories about Enron have taken a back seat while several companies, including Disney, Microsoft, Wal-Mart, IBM, General Motors, Intel and Home Depot, have kept their good media reputations intact with more positive news [sic]. Also, MRi’s results showed that although the volume of news stories has dipped since last year, the majority of the coverage has been very favorable [emphasis added].
In other words, YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR!!!!!! QED.
In reality, all this "study" proves is that news hacks stink. Consider this damning observation:
[D]amaging stories about Enron have taken a back seat while several companies, including Disney, Microsoft, Wal-Mart, IBM, General Motors, Intel and Home Depot, have kept their good media reputations intact with more positive news [sic]. Also, MRi’s results showed that although the volume of news stories has dipped since last year, the majority of the coverage has been very favorable [emphasis added].
In other words, YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR!!!!!! QED.
I rather suspect the new gay-themed flashes in the TV pan do reinforce stereotypes (I wouldn't know; I avoid the tube as much as possible), but I also suspect the point could be much better made without the help of the insidious Perfesser Thompson. If MIT ever hires him he sets back OpenCourseWare and MIT by six decades.
"They should give the Nobel Prize to whoever came up with that idea."
At a time when news hacks are intent on walling off their Internet contents save for AP headlines, MIT's decision to offer up its courses on the Web for free may seem foolhardy. But "foolhardy" actions helped make America great, and OpenCourseWare can only lead to a vast smartening of the world. A Nobel Prize, indeed.
P. S. It's already 1,060 on Alexa. This is no joke.
At a time when news hacks are intent on walling off their Internet contents save for AP headlines, MIT's decision to offer up its courses on the Web for free may seem foolhardy. But "foolhardy" actions helped make America great, and OpenCourseWare can only lead to a vast smartening of the world. A Nobel Prize, indeed.
P. S. It's already 1,060 on Alexa. This is no joke.
Venice Gets the Giggles as Woody Opens Film Fest
And the suckers who finance his bombs get the willies.
And the suckers who finance his bombs get the willies.
Here is a rough translation of this story: Media buyers (usually table-pounding show-biz sycophants) tell their advertising vice-president clients (ditto) what to buy. The ad VPs then tell some people in the computer room what numbers to plug in for the automatic disbursements to the networks. THAT IS IT. Practically the whole rest of the companies that get beslimed by their "buys" are out of the loop -- as they want to be. This is why so much junk gets financed on television.
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
THE WEEKLY STANDARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! blasts FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News for outlawing puns!
Hey, do you think we can lift the blackout on NO-SPIN's victory?
Hey, do you think we can lift the blackout on NO-SPIN's victory?
What is wrong with this picture? If Kinsley.com will boast about its staff, it shouldn't use a picture of stacks in a library, and what are obviously bound volumes of magazines. I've wasted enough time in libraries to know. Then again, given Kinsley.com's crew, its books are quite like to be as permanent as magazines.
I DID NOT WIN A PEABODY AWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ASKED FOR IT, NO-SPIN!
The Columbia panel said what was expected. What I want to know is, if things are no better than they were after Challenger, why should NASA keep sending up the Orbiting Jalopy?
Salon.com is offering free copies of Joe Conason's new book "Big Lies" to new subscribers to its Salon Premium service at the $35 level. [IWantMedia link]
Doesn't this redefine the term "gag prize"?
And if FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News did this with MR. NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE I'd say the same thing.
Doesn't this redefine the term "gag prize"?
And if FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News did this with MR. NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE I'd say the same thing.
When the Israelis kill "a bystander" in one of their raids, the news hacks harp on it for days. But when a holy cockroach (Palestinian division) kills 20 on the way to 72 Helen Thomases all the news hacks notice is the @#$%&* ROAD MAP!!!!!
Now USA Okay is endorsing a la carte. The irresistible force of customer anger will soon meet the immovable object of increasing cable rates.
Richard Cohen is the fly in the punch bowl of columning, whining away while everyone else has a good time. Today he gets very very upset because somebody killed John Geoghan. Only a man with great experience at whining would equate the violence of prisons to priests buggering boys. They're both bad, Richard, but they're not...quite...the same. Still nobody's going to stop Richard from having his good time having a bad time.
OH-oh, the traditional woman is coming back! BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
THIS looks like a job for -- the PSEUDO-RELIGION OF CHILD NEGLECT!
THIS looks like a job for -- the PSEUDO-RELIGION OF CHILD NEGLECT!
This was predictable: our city builds a Rendelltorium -- we built it because Ed Rendell said building it would add lots of maids, janitors, bellhops, and other high-tech workers to our jobs base -- and it's losing money. Big money. Further proof it's not quite working out as planned: a la-de-da restaurant across the street went broke.
"The arts" is NOT the starter on a growth engine. But it might be contaminated STP.
"The arts" is NOT the starter on a growth engine. But it might be contaminated STP.
LET'S PLAY GAMES WITH STATISTICS!
Yet another rendition of that sad old song, "QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yet another rendition of that sad old song, "QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Monday, August 25, 2003
As HOUNNNNNNNNNDOG prepared to cover a hit tune by an acquitted killer, the Times ran this all-too-brief piece on the fraternal clubs that flourished in New York before the Great Depression brought a crashing halt to their party. (Has anyone calculated the enormous ruin the Great Depression caused worldwide, in every field of endeavor, not just in the war it inspired?) I doubt if the phenomenon was solely New York's. Within earshot of my apartment are two great old social clubs, the Penn Athletic on Rittenhouse Square (later acquired by the Signal Corps, sold and converted into apartments in the late 70s) and the Yale, a improbably handsome tombstone of a tower (ultimately occupied by the Jewish Federation, now being converted in super-expensive condos). The article features a picture (above) of the Pythian Temple -- a truly historic building. It is a measure of how deaf to nuance The World's Greatest Paper has become that it completely ignored the fact that not only was the Temple built for a largely black fraternity, the Knights of Pythias, for years it served as Decca Records' New York recording studio. This will get you excited, HOUNNNNNNNNNDOG: Bill Haley recorded "Rock Around the Clock" there. Buddy Holly cut tracks in the Temple too. Given the immortal genius of the greatest musical form ever you would think some intern would have known that.
With luck, in time the SAT will be less than useless.
(Although I wonder if edubiz critics are less than useless too when they use impact as a verb.)
(Although I wonder if edubiz critics are less than useless too when they use impact as a verb.)
Wastefraudandabuse is the politician's best friend: it's something he can beat an opponent over the head with, and once esconced in office, he knows it's something he can't or won't have to do a thing about, except in showy press conferences to confuse the gullible.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS!
Hey RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should have dropped the suit before you sued!
Hey RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should have dropped the suit before you sued!
Having just read the tag end of ELVIS's press release (one of the things he apparently does is rehabilitate the acquitted triple-killer John Landis -- I didn't want to linger to find out) I feel like singing some harmony!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!! clap-clap! CLAP!!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!! clap-clap! CLAP!!)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!! clap-clap! CLAP!!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!! clap-clap! CLAP!!)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da BOOM!!)
That's The Jordanaires, in case you didn't know.
JAYSON BLAIR LIVES!
P. S. Searching the word "twilight" with Find on IE found nothing. The whitewash was complete.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!! clap-clap! CLAP!!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!! clap-clap! CLAP!!)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!! clap-clap! CLAP!!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!! clap-clap! CLAP!!)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (clap-clap! CLAP!!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH (da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da BOOM!!)
That's The Jordanaires, in case you didn't know.
JAYSON BLAIR LIVES!
P. S. Searching the word "twilight" with Find on IE found nothing. The whitewash was complete.
HEY KIDS! Speaking of PR, what's the difference between THIS PRNewswire release and THIS PRNew, er, NEW YORK TIMES FEATURE?
I KNOW, I KNOW TEACH! PRNEWSWIRE DOESN'T HAVE AN ELVIS ON ITS STAFF!
HE AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HOUNNNNNNNNNN-DOG!
I KNOW, I KNOW TEACH! PRNEWSWIRE DOESN'T HAVE AN ELVIS ON ITS STAFF!
HE AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HOUNNNNNNNNNN-DOG!
Oooh, Gov. Gray Davis gets to meet with a very carefully screened angry mob! Can't wait for this one. Why do you think his henchmen announced it on PRNewswire?
77 percent of TiVo viewers who had recorded a primetime program for later viewing, actually skipped the commercials when finally watching it.
What are we gonna do about THIS, ASWIA? I've got an idea! LET'S DOUBLE WHAT WE SPEND ON TELEVISION!!!!!
What are we gonna do about THIS, ASWIA? I've got an idea! LET'S DOUBLE WHAT WE SPEND ON TELEVISION!!!!!
Add a third category besides PC pressure groups and disasters that will cause ASWIA members to back off: crime.
Considering the torrents of JUNK you finance, I am NOT impressed, "Avon Products, Apple Computer, Federated Department Stores, Hallmark Cards, Home Depot, Levi Strauss & Co., Pfizer, Sears Roebuck & Co. and Toyota Motor Co."
Considering the torrents of JUNK you finance, I am NOT impressed, "Avon Products, Apple Computer, Federated Department Stores, Hallmark Cards, Home Depot, Levi Strauss & Co., Pfizer, Sears Roebuck & Co. and Toyota Motor Co."
Another news hack writes another menage-a-trois love letter to himself.
The Rodin's Thinker of Comedy should ponder this as he faces the abyss: Will anyone remember him? Johnny Carson was one of the greatest monologuists, one of TV's brightest lights, but who recalls his punchlines? Heck Will Rogers, the first great mass-media joke teller, a leading movie star and newspaper columnist, a man seriously suggested for the White House in 1932, who even spoke at that year's Democratic convention in an Ah-NULT moment, doesn't jog most peoples' memories. Huck Finn will live. Not last night's Top-10 joke.
The Rodin's Thinker of Comedy should ponder this as he faces the abyss: Will anyone remember him? Johnny Carson was one of the greatest monologuists, one of TV's brightest lights, but who recalls his punchlines? Heck Will Rogers, the first great mass-media joke teller, a leading movie star and newspaper columnist, a man seriously suggested for the White House in 1932, who even spoke at that year's Democratic convention in an Ah-NULT moment, doesn't jog most peoples' memories. Huck Finn will live. Not last night's Top-10 joke.
Sighhhhhhhhhh, Forbes.com again:
"To be wholly devoted to some intellectual exercise is to have succeeded in life."
-Robert Louis Stevenson
And so a blast from the past justifies every PC layabout professor, every paper-shuffling WELCHITE CEO, every pretentious news anchorpoop.
"To be wholly devoted to some intellectual exercise is to have succeeded in life."
-Robert Louis Stevenson
And so a blast from the past justifies every PC layabout professor, every paper-shuffling WELCHITE CEO, every pretentious news anchorpoop.
I don't trust the Beeb after the months it's spent running the Iraq war into the ground, but I will not trust one word from Andy S. and his fellow devoted Newscorpions about it either, because in the end, all they want to do is help RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Looks like our friends the holy cockroaches are spreading their germs in India.
Remember the equation: 40 Indians = .25 American. This won't even make the space before the first commercial break on The Three Stooges.
Remember the equation: 40 Indians = .25 American. This won't even make the space before the first commercial break on The Three Stooges.
A whole lot of pols need to be recalled
And so should a lot of multimillionairing, ego-tripping, tantrum-throwing, attorney-enriching, no-spin-spinning PUNDITS.
And so should a lot of multimillionairing, ego-tripping, tantrum-throwing, attorney-enriching, no-spin-spinning PUNDITS.
Sunday, August 24, 2003
SOMEONE QUESTIONS THE MOVIES-WERE-BETTER-THAN-EVER-IN-THE-SEVENTIES CULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But the guy tempers his language because he knows there was some Einsteinian genius.
Why do we have to slog through hundreds of lousy articles to find something that even remotely counters the CW?!?!? This is why the Web is such an challenge to news hacks -- because it exposes how depthlessly bad their work really is.
Sometimes it seems as if all contemporary buildings are held together by polysulfide sealants.
Indeed.
Indeed.
A hack scratches into why JOURNALISM stinks, and among the reasons (most of them are CONSERVATIVE) is the "celebrity" reporter, and to prove it who does this scribbler cite five times? The man who made Armani suits mandatory in the upper echelons of show-biz flattery -- KEN FELLATTA.
"Journalism" still stinks.
"Journalism" still stinks.
The Professor quotes Mark Steyn -- but he doesn't quote the best passage:
Islamic terrorism is militarily weak but ideologically confident. The West is militarily strong but ideologically insecure. We don't really believe we can win, not in the long run. The suicide bomber is a symbol of weakness, of a culture so comprehensively failed that what ought to be its greatest resource--its people--is instead as disposable as a firecracker. But in our self-doubt the enemy's weakness becomes his strength....The terrorists watch CNN and the BBC and, understandably, they figure that in Iraq America, Britain, the UN and all the rest will do what most people do when they run up against someone deranged: back out of the room slowly. They're wrong. There's no choice. You kill it here, or the next generation of suicide bombers will be on buses in Rotterdam, Manchester, Lyons, and blowing up the UN building in Manhattan. This is the battlefield.
On the button as usual.
Islamic terrorism is militarily weak but ideologically confident. The West is militarily strong but ideologically insecure. We don't really believe we can win, not in the long run. The suicide bomber is a symbol of weakness, of a culture so comprehensively failed that what ought to be its greatest resource--its people--is instead as disposable as a firecracker. But in our self-doubt the enemy's weakness becomes his strength....The terrorists watch CNN and the BBC and, understandably, they figure that in Iraq America, Britain, the UN and all the rest will do what most people do when they run up against someone deranged: back out of the room slowly. They're wrong. There's no choice. You kill it here, or the next generation of suicide bombers will be on buses in Rotterdam, Manchester, Lyons, and blowing up the UN building in Manhattan. This is the battlefield.
On the button as usual.
It appears the news hacks are preparing a j'accuse because John Geoghan's killer HATED GAYS, which in Newshackdom is a crime worse than MURDER.
What did you say again, HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE?
What did you say again, HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE?
BLUNDER and its ilk scream that we don't have enough soldiers in Iraq -- but they were on the front lines hollering that we should rush into Liberia because it was THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
Now what?
Now what?
Another masterwork of the geniuses at BLUNDER -- this one headed FAST FOWARD [SIC]:
There's no way to do justice to the bounty of fall and winter -- without saying virtually nothing about virtually everything.
Saying virtually nothing about virtually everything -- that's my NEW BLUNDER motto!
There's no way to do justice to the bounty of fall and winter -- without saying virtually nothing about virtually everything.
Saying virtually nothing about virtually everything -- that's my NEW BLUNDER motto!
Two things about this press release: 1) I thought it was RACISTSEXISTHOMOPHOBIC for people in the biz to compliment women on their LOOKS; and 2) compared to the likes of, say, Sophia Loren, or Anita Ekberg, or Marilyn, or Liz, these girls AREN'T that good looking.
Question: Why should a terrorist not claim responsibility for an attack? I thought they liked boasting.
The opening line in a BLUNDER story:
There is a danger of over-reacting to last week’s gruesome bombing of the United Nations’ headquarters in Baghdad.
So what will news hacks do? Over-react -- with a new heapin' helpin' of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stories, for instance. The only surprise here is that Norm's grandson didn't do some foreign-policy "thinking." And the sad thing is there are a few common-sense ideas here -- like bringing in more troops (although typically this writer thinks the League of Nations will solve all the problems) and spending more money on the reconstruction; SuperRummy gave little thought to the afterwar, just like with Afghanistan. But as I said, ANYTHING news hacks said must be taken with a truckload of salt, as their MO hasn't changed.
By the way -- aren't most bombings gruesome? Unless nobody gets bombed, of course. What did you say, HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE?
There is a danger of over-reacting to last week’s gruesome bombing of the United Nations’ headquarters in Baghdad.
So what will news hacks do? Over-react -- with a new heapin' helpin' of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stories, for instance. The only surprise here is that Norm's grandson didn't do some foreign-policy "thinking." And the sad thing is there are a few common-sense ideas here -- like bringing in more troops (although typically this writer thinks the League of Nations will solve all the problems) and spending more money on the reconstruction; SuperRummy gave little thought to the afterwar, just like with Afghanistan. But as I said, ANYTHING news hacks said must be taken with a truckload of salt, as their MO hasn't changed.
By the way -- aren't most bombings gruesome? Unless nobody gets bombed, of course. What did you say, HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE?
Saturday, August 23, 2003
Newsday's idea of a joke:
The words "fair and balanced" can be used to describe a few good things in this world: The Encyclopedia Britannica; the open phones show on C-SPAN. The average American newspaper on a very good day.
Without reading the story (and I don't intend to) I know exactly what you're going to say. I don't like RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! myself -- one reason is that HIS properties are observing a veritable blackout on NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE's defeat -- but when HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE all but admits the news biz is liberal, I don't like you either.
The words "fair and balanced" can be used to describe a few good things in this world: The Encyclopedia Britannica; the open phones show on C-SPAN. The average American newspaper on a very good day.
Without reading the story (and I don't intend to) I know exactly what you're going to say. I don't like RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! myself -- one reason is that HIS properties are observing a veritable blackout on NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE's defeat -- but when HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE all but admits the news biz is liberal, I don't like you either.
A star Ohio State running back has a rap sheet in the making, and you can bet the Buckeye fans are ticked -- because now THEY WON'T WIN THE NATIONAL TITLE THIS SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The notorious sex-offending priest John Geoghan has been killed in prison.
That his victims have been magnanimous at the news says something for them. I do not know that I would have been so magnanimous -- toward him, or the church that wouldn't stop him.
That his victims have been magnanimous at the news says something for them. I do not know that I would have been so magnanimous -- toward him, or the church that wouldn't stop him.
The professional college sports arms race won't stop, for three reasons: 1) It's financed by state legislators, especially in the football- and basketball-mad south and midwest, who view getting the team to a championship as a patriotic duty; 2) it's financed by college students, whose tuitions will never stop going up; and 3) it's financed by cable subscribers, whose rates will never stop going up.
Better be careful with that queer ideology. It's not that much of a long walk from the notion that the Bible says gay sex is ALL RIGHT!! to liberation theology's notion that God is a Communist, and it isn't much of a long walk from there to Osama's notion that the Koran says destroying the World Trade Center is okay. But the "if-it-feels-good-do-it" ethic seems all the rage in religion these days. I wonder how God feels.
Some hack named Rutten ties himself into such knots proving Hollywood is not liberal he may have to work in a freak show. Yes, Hollywood has had more than its share of reactionary cranks, but they're virtually all in the past, and the overwhelming ethos of the biz is liberal -- how can it not be with SYNERGY? And hasn't The Human Rope heard the acronym RINO? Yes, "everybody does business with everybody" (said the famed bootlegger Joseph P. Kennedy, who had his mistress Gloria Swanson get an abortion -- great choice of experts, Tim!), but as the continuing harangues over The Ten demonstrate, in politics Hollywood never forgets.
Absolutely nothing has changed. Nothing. NOTHING.
These news hacks are getting cleverer and cleverer at saying QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These news hacks are getting cleverer and cleverer at saying QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, August 22, 2003
It's official: Dubya's appointed Daniel Pipes. Take THAT, Ted!
Here's another story I can be of two minds of: ExxonMobil (oh I love DilbertSpell!) should have been punished severely for its gross negligence regarding the Valdez, but there is no doubting some civil judgments are excessive. This is nonetheless happy news for the whole FREE ENTERPRISE caveat emptor Buttman and "Dow 36,000" crowd, which makes ExxonMobil's victory slightly sickening.
Lou Dobbs has BACKBONE (pffh-hh-hh)! I would be a little more impressed, however, if Paul Bedard hadn't punctuated his name "Dobb's" or written, "[H]e might not have know." Ah the life of a great reporter, linked by WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!
Why should a country that is third-world in important ways be in space exploration?
Better news: the country was in a deal with Ukraine -- home of Chernobyl. What a joke.
Better news: the country was in a deal with Ukraine -- home of Chernobyl. What a joke.
FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News's Web site isn't reporting on its great victory in a New York courtroom -- but it is getting the troops excited because that Alabama judge has been "suspended."
I'm of two minds about this business. I understand why that judge is taking a stand: the government too often is the adversary of religion, aided by groups who've lately shown a blind eye to the SUPERHOOPERS. But as Rush's brother has written, he's a judge, and he should obey the law. What's more, that monument of his is sort of tacky looking. This all reminds us why Tom Lehrer thought Alabama would get the bomb.
I'm of two minds about this business. I understand why that judge is taking a stand: the government too often is the adversary of religion, aided by groups who've lately shown a blind eye to the SUPERHOOPERS. But as Rush's brother has written, he's a judge, and he should obey the law. What's more, that monument of his is sort of tacky looking. This all reminds us why Tom Lehrer thought Alabama would get the bomb.
HA HA HA HA!!!!! A judge rules against RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Not that it matters. The public has ruled against them already.
Not that it matters. The public has ruled against them already.
Speaking of blondes, am I the only male unimpressed with Anna in her sports bra? She doesn't seem to have much upstairs, and what's more, her face would hardly launch 20 dinghies.
We should not be surprised that the awful Baghdad bombing may have been an inside job. So much of what the League of Nations does is an inside job.
One more thing on SLUT-LIT: such masters (or should I say MSters) of the form as Helen Fielding and Candace "EW! YUCK!! GROSS!!!" Bushnell may think they're marvelously new as they wallow in their royalties, but Anita Loos did it first, and the only real difference is that Miss Loos couldn't use all the trendy four-letter words. And I might add, she was at least as unfunny.
Paul Krugman says Ah-NULT's "description of the state economy is pure fantasy."
We'll take that as definitive from YOU.
We'll take that as definitive from YOU.
You're a loony leftist in Hollywood. You love the Palestinians. Some Palestinians love movie piracy.
Whose side do you take?
Whose side do you take?
"HIP" (another word in THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) meets children like two cars meeting in a fender bender.
Imagine all the four-star drivel that wouldn't get published if people were told they couldn't throw political tantrums in a paper. Okay, for the umpteenth time, Bob Hope wasn't good in his later years, but the next time, could you use a punching bag instead of your readers?
I'VE BEEN AT ARTSJOURNAL.COM AGAIN GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I'VE BEEN AT ARTSJOURNAL.COM AGAIN GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I am willing to forgive a Kathy Boudin for killing two police officers, provided she shows unremitting remorse and penance. The problem is the big-media culture which prizes ATTITUDE and sticks the finger in our faces every day, and whose partisans would turn her case into another cause celebre given the chance -- and their politics.
Thursday, August 21, 2003
Over sixty years ago, the British showed their stuff in the Blitz. Today, they show their stuff on the beach.
Our beloved Secretary of State in magnificent oratory sure to resound through the ages:
The end of the road map is a cliff that both sides will fall off!
Usually the end of a road map is an edge that leads to paper cuts. But what does GENERAL know? He drives in limos.
The end of the road map is a cliff that both sides will fall off!
Usually the end of a road map is an edge that leads to paper cuts. But what does GENERAL know? He drives in limos.
Al Arabiya (an Osama Channel clone) introduces a new group of heroes: The Armed Vanguards of the Second Muhammad Army!
What's more, they call the League of Nations "Crusaders"! I guess the members never heard of Kurt Waldheim or Zionism=Racism.
What's more, they call the League of Nations "Crusaders"! I guess the members never heard of Kurt Waldheim or Zionism=Racism.
The documentary "Stoked: The Rise and Fall of Gator" traces the ill-fated career of Mark Rogowski, a legendary skateboarder now serving 31 years in prison for rape and murder.
First LEGENDARY Lewis, then LEGENDARY Welch, now a LEGENDARY skateboarder. What did he do? Put rockets on his skateboard? Float in the air for ten minutes?
First LEGENDARY Lewis, then LEGENDARY Welch, now a LEGENDARY skateboarder. What did he do? Put rockets on his skateboard? Float in the air for ten minutes?
More high-tech waste in government: Facial-recognition cameras are an invasion of privacy -- and besides, THEY DON'T WORK.
Hardy-har-har!
Hardy-har-har!
Rush endorses the Republican who's not a Reagan -- because he's a Reagan!
How do you say that again -- disingenuous?
How do you say that again -- disingenuous?
The Arabs speak into two tongues, again. (Caveat: This is David Horowitz' FrontPage Magazine.)
For my first permalink I am introducing (drum roll, please):
HISTORIC: 1. An event that may never have happened before, but since we're too lazy to look these things up we'll automatically assume it's the first time. 2. Good (when applied to politically-correct groups only). 3. THANK GOD FOR MY PRESS PASS!!!!! (see CLASSIC [2].)
HISTORY: 1. The last hundred years. (Usually applied to stories alleging climate change.) 2. As far back as we can get away with hyperbole. (Usually applied to stories touting movie box office.)
ALL-TIME: Something involving dollars that isn't adjusted for inflation. See HISTORY [2].
RECORD: See ALL-TIME and HISTORY [2].
LEGENDARY: 1. Somebody who's been around a long time whom we like. 2. Somebody who's been around long time who's getting rewarded for having been around a long time. 3. In business, a long-running monster whose every utterance is a pink slip (i.e., LEGENDARY Welch). (But see LEGENDARY GENIUS [2] for an exception.)
ICON: 1. Someone who came out of nowhere, who deserves to go back to nowhere, who's lasted more than his allotted fifteen minutes of fame.
ICONIC: A movie or TV show or rock band we REALLY like.
REIMAGINED: The same old wine in the same new bottles.
LEGACY: Extending someone's fifteen minutes of fame to thirty.
CLASS ACT: A bad guy with good press. (Usually typed by SPORTS HACKS to describe the ATTITUDINAL flavor of the month.)
MAJOR: 1. Minor. 2. Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.
HIP: 1. Something bad (usually pop-cultural) done by young people, and embraced by aging boomer news hacks to show they're with-it. 2. See HOT (3).
COOL: See HIP.
QUIRKY: A pop-culture artifact that makes no sense and would cause offense to many, but because we're in the news biz, and our favorite pastime is sticking it in our readers' eyes, that means we REALLY like it.
EDGY: Similar to quirky, but more likely to have an ATTITUDE, and that means the news hacks are even more apt to like it.
DARK: Similar to edgy, except (in the case of a movie) photographed in the dark, or (in the case of a song) sung in a minor key and full of ATTITUDE.
SUBVERSIVE: Similar to "edgy" only it REALLY sticks it to conservatives.
DANGEROUS: See SUBVERSIVE.
CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED: We like it. Often used when someone else doesn't like it (see also CONTROVERSIAL, CONSERVATIVE).
LANDMARK: 1. See CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED. 2. See HISTORIC (2).
MILESTONE: 1. See LANDMARK. 2. See GRIM, with which this word is used when describing auto-accident fatalities, or when we're at war.
BUZZ: The usual gang of idiots REALLY likes it and is preparing to plug the living daylights out of it.
MODERATE: 1. A liberal.
CENTRIST: Same as MODERATE, but usually applied to someone who's just right of PROGRESSIVE.
PROGRESSIVE: An off-the-chart liberal who doesn't sound so bad.
BIPARTISAN: 1. A liberal we can hide behind. 2. An incompetent Republican.
CONSERVATIVE: A Nazi. Can be interchangeably used with Roman Catholics, Iranian mullahs, or Tom DeLay.
NEO-CONSERVATIVE: Some Jew at a think tank who got us into a lousy war.
NAZI: An Israeli, or George W. Bush.
HARD-LINER: See CONSERVATIVE.
MODERATE MUSLIM: An Islamist.
MILITANT: A terrorist in sheep's clothing.
SOURCE: Someone a news hack cites when he wishes to express an opinion.
FORMER: A credited SOURCE who's flattered to think he's in the loop.
RETIRED: See FORMER.
FAIRNESS: 1. Tilting the tables to favor PC special interests. 2. The veneer of impartiality news hacks apply to stories to make them seem less partisan.
OBJECTIVITY: See FAIRNESS (2).
PARTISAN: Conservative.
JOURNALIST: A news hack with pretensions.
DIVERSITY: Total political conformity.
CONTROVERSIAL: 1. We like it, but the public doesn't. 2. The wrong thing happened, but we try to spin the story so that people will think it was the right thing (i.e., the OJ verdict). 3. Meretricious. (And NO hacks, it does NOT mean "meritorious.")
TRAGEDY: 1. Something bad that happens to private citizens that you have to work up a pretense of compassion over lest people think you a cold-blooded hard-hearted thoroughly cynical misanthrope. 2. See GRIM. 3. See DISASTER.
GRIM: Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.
BLEAK: See GRIM.
DEFEAT, usually preceded with MAJOR: Our side wins.
HOT: 1. Cold soon enough. 2. Something that should never have been heated up. 3. Someone's pickpocketing for realtors.
STEAMY: An actress with pancake breasts takes her clothes off.
RIGHT: A crime. Applied to graffiti, panhandling, very public mental illness, or anything committed by a member of a PC group.
GENIUS: 1. An extremely popular no-talent. Usually applied to rappers, as they share our artistic ambitions and immortality. 2. Obscenely rich. 3. A CEO wasting vast sums on hubris (see also SYNERGY). 4. A CEO with very good luck.
LEGENDARY GENIUS: Bob Dylan (see GENIUS [1]) or Warren Buffett (see GENIUS [2]).
COURAGE: Treason we like.
CONSCIENCE: THE ENEMY sees the light.
TABOO: The Comstocks don't want you to have a good time.
BUFFET: The correct spelling of Warren Buffett's last name.
MINELLI: The correct spelling of Liza Minnelli's last name.
DISINTERESTED: Uninterested.
ACTOR: An actor of either sex.
CULT: 1. An acquired taste very few people acquire, but as the very few people are a tightly-knit group including news hacks, that makes their taste VERY good. (See also, "People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." [Abraham Lincoln.]) 2. A sewer smell that news hacks and publicists turn into Airwick.
RENAISSANCE: Upscale bars emerge in a seedy part of town, frequented by people like us who drink.
SYNERGY: In the media business, annoying people to death for a profit.
CLASSIC: 1. Something pop-cultural we REALLY like that's been around for a LONG TIME -- like twenty years. 2. A blowout until the last five minutes, when the other team rallies for victory. 3. A new pop culture artifact we REALLY like (usually applied with INSTANT).
INFAMY: Something that causes your team to lose, especially in the Super Bowl/NBA finals/World Series/Stanley Cup finals, etc.
PATRIOTISM: Loving your country ironically.
CLOSURE: Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup for the soul.
HEALING: See CLOSURE.
RESPECTED: We like its politics.
ESTEEMED: We like his politics.
TOLERANCE: Forcing our political enemies to think like us -- preferably in the print equivalent of a reeducation camp. (See DIVERSITY; see also Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week.")
INNOCENCE: Something that happened a LONG TIME AGO that we don't remember.
DISASTER: 9/11.
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.
These are the code words and phrases (and misspellings) that the hacks never stop using, that can act like novocain on your mind or a dentist's drill on your nerves, a secret of the hacks' invincible power, words they would not stop using if H. W. Fowler and E. B. White came down from the heavens to scold them, words whose very usage means the writer is engaged in salesmanship or dishonesty, or both. I've given some of the definitions before -- too many times before -- but they're worth repeating, as God knows the hacks will keep repeating the words.HISTORIC: 1. An event that may never have happened before, but since we're too lazy to look these things up we'll automatically assume it's the first time. 2. Good (when applied to politically-correct groups only). 3. THANK GOD FOR MY PRESS PASS!!!!! (see CLASSIC [2].)
HISTORY: 1. The last hundred years. (Usually applied to stories alleging climate change.) 2. As far back as we can get away with hyperbole. (Usually applied to stories touting movie box office.)
ALL-TIME: Something involving dollars that isn't adjusted for inflation. See HISTORY [2].
RECORD: See ALL-TIME and HISTORY [2].
LEGENDARY: 1. Somebody who's been around a long time whom we like. 2. Somebody who's been around long time who's getting rewarded for having been around a long time. 3. In business, a long-running monster whose every utterance is a pink slip (i.e., LEGENDARY Welch). (But see LEGENDARY GENIUS [2] for an exception.)
ICON: 1. Someone who came out of nowhere, who deserves to go back to nowhere, who's lasted more than his allotted fifteen minutes of fame.
ICONIC: A movie or TV show or rock band we REALLY like.
REIMAGINED: The same old wine in the same new bottles.
LEGACY: Extending someone's fifteen minutes of fame to thirty.
CLASS ACT: A bad guy with good press. (Usually typed by SPORTS HACKS to describe the ATTITUDINAL flavor of the month.)
MAJOR: 1. Minor. 2. Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.
HIP: 1. Something bad (usually pop-cultural) done by young people, and embraced by aging boomer news hacks to show they're with-it. 2. See HOT (3).
COOL: See HIP.
QUIRKY: A pop-culture artifact that makes no sense and would cause offense to many, but because we're in the news biz, and our favorite pastime is sticking it in our readers' eyes, that means we REALLY like it.
EDGY: Similar to quirky, but more likely to have an ATTITUDE, and that means the news hacks are even more apt to like it.
DARK: Similar to edgy, except (in the case of a movie) photographed in the dark, or (in the case of a song) sung in a minor key and full of ATTITUDE.
SUBVERSIVE: Similar to "edgy" only it REALLY sticks it to conservatives.
DANGEROUS: See SUBVERSIVE.
CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED: We like it. Often used when someone else doesn't like it (see also CONTROVERSIAL, CONSERVATIVE).
LANDMARK: 1. See CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED. 2. See HISTORIC (2).
MILESTONE: 1. See LANDMARK. 2. See GRIM, with which this word is used when describing auto-accident fatalities, or when we're at war.
BUZZ: The usual gang of idiots REALLY likes it and is preparing to plug the living daylights out of it.
MODERATE: 1. A liberal.
CENTRIST: Same as MODERATE, but usually applied to someone who's just right of PROGRESSIVE.
PROGRESSIVE: An off-the-chart liberal who doesn't sound so bad.
BIPARTISAN: 1. A liberal we can hide behind. 2. An incompetent Republican.
CONSERVATIVE: A Nazi. Can be interchangeably used with Roman Catholics, Iranian mullahs, or Tom DeLay.
NEO-CONSERVATIVE: Some Jew at a think tank who got us into a lousy war.
NAZI: An Israeli, or George W. Bush.
HARD-LINER: See CONSERVATIVE.
MODERATE MUSLIM: An Islamist.
MILITANT: A terrorist in sheep's clothing.
SOURCE: Someone a news hack cites when he wishes to express an opinion.
FORMER: A credited SOURCE who's flattered to think he's in the loop.
RETIRED: See FORMER.
FAIRNESS: 1. Tilting the tables to favor PC special interests. 2. The veneer of impartiality news hacks apply to stories to make them seem less partisan.
OBJECTIVITY: See FAIRNESS (2).
PARTISAN: Conservative.
JOURNALIST: A news hack with pretensions.
DIVERSITY: Total political conformity.
CONTROVERSIAL: 1. We like it, but the public doesn't. 2. The wrong thing happened, but we try to spin the story so that people will think it was the right thing (i.e., the OJ verdict). 3. Meretricious. (And NO hacks, it does NOT mean "meritorious.")
TRAGEDY: 1. Something bad that happens to private citizens that you have to work up a pretense of compassion over lest people think you a cold-blooded hard-hearted thoroughly cynical misanthrope. 2. See GRIM. 3. See DISASTER.
GRIM: Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.
BLEAK: See GRIM.
DEFEAT, usually preceded with MAJOR: Our side wins.
HOT: 1. Cold soon enough. 2. Something that should never have been heated up. 3. Someone's pickpocketing for realtors.
STEAMY: An actress with pancake breasts takes her clothes off.
RIGHT: A crime. Applied to graffiti, panhandling, very public mental illness, or anything committed by a member of a PC group.
GENIUS: 1. An extremely popular no-talent. Usually applied to rappers, as they share our artistic ambitions and immortality. 2. Obscenely rich. 3. A CEO wasting vast sums on hubris (see also SYNERGY). 4. A CEO with very good luck.
LEGENDARY GENIUS: Bob Dylan (see GENIUS [1]) or Warren Buffett (see GENIUS [2]).
COURAGE: Treason we like.
CONSCIENCE: THE ENEMY sees the light.
TABOO: The Comstocks don't want you to have a good time.
BUFFET: The correct spelling of Warren Buffett's last name.
MINELLI: The correct spelling of Liza Minnelli's last name.
DISINTERESTED: Uninterested.
ACTOR: An actor of either sex.
CULT: 1. An acquired taste very few people acquire, but as the very few people are a tightly-knit group including news hacks, that makes their taste VERY good. (See also, "People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." [Abraham Lincoln.]) 2. A sewer smell that news hacks and publicists turn into Airwick.
RENAISSANCE: Upscale bars emerge in a seedy part of town, frequented by people like us who drink.
SYNERGY: In the media business, annoying people to death for a profit.
CLASSIC: 1. Something pop-cultural we REALLY like that's been around for a LONG TIME -- like twenty years. 2. A blowout until the last five minutes, when the other team rallies for victory. 3. A new pop culture artifact we REALLY like (usually applied with INSTANT).
INFAMY: Something that causes your team to lose, especially in the Super Bowl/NBA finals/World Series/Stanley Cup finals, etc.
PATRIOTISM: Loving your country ironically.
CLOSURE: Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup for the soul.
HEALING: See CLOSURE.
RESPECTED: We like its politics.
ESTEEMED: We like his politics.
TOLERANCE: Forcing our political enemies to think like us -- preferably in the print equivalent of a reeducation camp. (See DIVERSITY; see also Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week.")
INNOCENCE: Something that happened a LONG TIME AGO that we don't remember.
DISASTER: 9/11.
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Most news stories could be written by computer, or in one's sleep, which is why I avoided the sad tale of the man caught covering a baseball game from home. Nonetheless it proves for all time that it takes little work to be a news hack -- and less brains.
Yes, Kofi wanted tighter security -- so long as it wasn't U. S. security.
With the League of Nations, hubris must always rank above life.
With the League of Nations, hubris must always rank above life.
Lately something has tried returning from the dead in Chicago. You may remember it -- Mayor Jane Blues, the Honorary Blues Brother.
Please, go back to the oblivion from whence you came, Blue.
Please, go back to the oblivion from whence you came, Blue.
So much of Ah-NULT's campaign is "closed to reporters" and "no comment." We want you to pull that gag as GOVERNOR, Ah-NULT.
And it's bad enough that news hacks are conformists; worse, they're well-paid conformists. Robert Scheer, the tantrum-throwing leftist scribbler, always screams about the little guy, and thinks the little guy can't be taxed enough; but it turns out he owns three houses worth at least $1.2 million and owes taxes on them. The crowd in Animal Farm would be pleased.
And how did I find out about Robert Scheer? Through the Professor. With their devotion to the machine and what the late Michael Kelly called their "template" we can't count on news hacks for the truth; but how can we get the truth on the Web when it's so diffuse? Who can locate embarrassing facts like these? Editors -- like the Professor. Plus ca change....
And how did I find out about Robert Scheer? Through the Professor. With their devotion to the machine and what the late Michael Kelly called their "template" we can't count on news hacks for the truth; but how can we get the truth on the Web when it's so diffuse? Who can locate embarrassing facts like these? Editors -- like the Professor. Plus ca change....
Linda, you are a big windbag -- but isn't that what RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pays you to be? Isn't that what news hacks are supposed to be? And isn't that why people are slowly abandoning the papers, because they're finding it's the only way to take the air out of you windbags -- and even that doesn't work because you get pumped up from somewhere else?
Sorry, this is the second story today that repeats the cliche that movies in the seventies were better than ever -- the second of five hundred if I wanted to look. I HATE NEWS HACKS!!!!!
Sorry, this is the second story today that repeats the cliche that movies in the seventies were better than ever -- the second of five hundred if I wanted to look. I HATE NEWS HACKS!!!!!
This is the problem with ad-blurb copywriters: They see something in a loft, with an audience of six, and they like it, and because they share the same hermetically-sealed mindset as the audience of six, and further because the luck of the draw has enabled them to write in public, they think the whole world will like it. Sorry, Maddy (why must the hacks have such cute names?), those "blue-rinse" musicals will be around long after the score of the last Nitwits Nudism and Navel-Staring Festival masterpiece crumbles to archival dust.
I've been at ArtsJournal.com again grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I've been at ArtsJournal.com again grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Authors may think they're "getting back at the system" -- and Martha Grimes is by all accounts a good writer (I don't read mysteries) -- but the system is omnipotent and has so many defense mechanisms that even homicidal anger can rebound to its advantage.
When Brent "My Favorite Martian" Scowcroft, who kissed the Chinese Communists' feet after Tiananmen and told Papa not to go after Saddam, suggests anything, it can safely be ignored.
Unless he suggests it to THE FIXER, because he'll tell Dubya -- and he might believe it.
Unless he suggests it to THE FIXER, because he'll tell Dubya -- and he might believe it.
And sure enough, after yesterday's Baghdad bombing, the 56,287,387th rendition of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The most obvious sign a news hack's about to sell something or dump a big ugly bucket of CW on you is when his byline reads "For" or "Special to." That means the paper's assigned a talentless free-lancer to think up filler but who instead of thinking ends up writing, resulting in the most egregious folderol and you feeling slimy for hours.
Mahmoud's going to take their tricycles away -- and replace them with mountain bikes (when no one's looking).
In LALALand, car chases are down, which means the local TV stations will have to lay off half their work force.
And when I brought up the story there was an ad for Jaguar.
And when I brought up the story there was an ad for Jaguar.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Study: Satellite TV Costs Trailing Cable
I've got the solution, King Brian and King Richard: raise your rates!
I've got the solution, King Brian and King Richard: raise your rates!
The House Judiciary Committee has tentatively scheduled hearings next month into the fairness of the Bowl Championship Series, SportsLine.com has learned.
Uh, DON'T YOU HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO?!?!?
Hey MR. NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE, all this talk about YOUR LAWSUIT is going to make us as angry as all this talk about Kobe or Laci Peterson -- and I've a sneaky hunch that was the point.
I don't know, and given that I'm still sending out bills with Audrey Hepburn's face on the postage, I don't care.
P. S. In trying to find a good image of the Audrey stamp I came across an Ain't It Cool News clone whose moron-IQ-level posters agree it's freaky. Hey morons, so are most of the @#$%&* movies you tout via instant messaging.
Gasp! A Times reporter says the war was -- JUSTIFIED!!!!!
Howell would have given new meaning to the phrase "eating the guy alive."
Howell would have given new meaning to the phrase "eating the guy alive."
On a day of two horrific suicide bombings, the lead in Kinsley.com:
What Lies Beneath: My perverse obsession with metal detectors.
My guess is, either the Kinsley.com folk can think only PC on the bombings -- or another bug has struck Microsoft.
What Lies Beneath: My perverse obsession with metal detectors.
My guess is, either the Kinsley.com folk can think only PC on the bombings -- or another bug has struck Microsoft.
Catholic conservatives are right to be suspicious when the liberals gather, for all they talk about is economic rights, which provides a perfect cloak for buggery.
People listen to Mozart solely because they've heard if you listen to Mozart your IQ goes up 100 points, which is a very bad reason to listen to music, and sure enough, they discard Mozart because it's "depressing." (Has anyone stopped to think how many of today's pop masterpieces combine a funereal tempo and a minor key?) Likewise with educational toys. Kids aren't stupid, and from behind the bright colors and cute features, they can smell the castor oil.
I can think of some good reasons for Ah-NULT's high negatives, Bill: 1) He's in show-biz, which ever more people LUUUUUUUUVE, and he's starred in very violent movies. 2) He's a Republican and a liberal Democrat in one body. 3) He's trading on his name recognition. 4) He hasn't opened his mouth once on the issues, leading people think him a stealth candidate. 5) He's wealthy, and we know from Honorary Mayor Mike what very wealthy men in office can be like. Yes, I think Ah-NULT deserves those high negatives.
So much for the peace of paper.
In a normal world, on a day like this, people would think all militant Arabs can do is bomb. But in a world of news hacks, professors, Cholly Rangels, Colins, and JACQUEASSES, somehow the bomber isn't at fault.
In a normal world, on a day like this, people would think all militant Arabs can do is bomb. But in a world of news hacks, professors, Cholly Rangels, Colins, and JACQUEASSES, somehow the bomber isn't at fault.
Lord Koppel of Eisner got hoaxed. Apparently he still doesn't know. I suspect his legions of interns and clerks soon will.
WARNING: The article contains quotes from one Robert Thompson, who masquerades as a professor.
WARNING: The article contains quotes from one Robert Thompson, who masquerades as a professor.
Here the Morroccans have already sentenced four terrorists to death over the Casablanca bombings, and we knot the pretzel ever tighter about the holy cockroaches' -- rights.
I wonder how the oh-so-very-PC curators at the Smithsonian tap-danced their way around the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL of the Enola Gay.
To them I remark: Someone would have gotten the bomb anyway, most likely someone that perhaps in your darkest hour of self-preservation you might not like; and Harry S had to choose between several hundred thousand civilian dead (plus a few of our POWs) versus untold casualties in a Japanese invasion. He chose right. Nuff said.
To them I remark: Someone would have gotten the bomb anyway, most likely someone that perhaps in your darkest hour of self-preservation you might not like; and Harry S had to choose between several hundred thousand civilian dead (plus a few of our POWs) versus untold casualties in a Japanese invasion. He chose right. Nuff said.
Monday, August 18, 2003
How can you tell the news salesmen and job hunters are in a really good mood when they run show-biz press releases, especially about the invented figures called "grosses"? Because they headline with really bad puns.
Good news for the Professor, who's been pounding away at this story: Those Algerian hostages he's mentioned for weeks have been freed. (Good news for them too, it goes without saying.)
The heavily-manufactured "revival" of the Rat Pack, that ne-plus-ultra of laziness and self-indulgence, might not have happened but that we're living in ENTERTAINMENT'S PLATINUM AGE.
So typical of Kinsley.com: the teaser head beats the article. "Pull the Plug on This Movie" promises vitriol and delivers the blurbist David Edelstein in almost apologetic tones desperately wanting to like a picture, but somehow constrained here, as if he's afraid to say something insulting -- like most of the ad-blurb copywriters. I've got a better idea than David's brain mush: Pull the plug on Kinsley.com.
Though I am sympathetic to the idea of an art based on traditional precepts of beauty, I doubt this will get very far, because 1) most modern artists are uneducated, stupid, and PC, and 2) when, say, a Goya or a Sir Joshua Reynolds or a John Singer Sargent painted portraits their subjects usually wore becoming clothes. Who can find beauty in somebody wearing T-shirt and tattoos?
Another one of those stories that news hacks report as a joke ends with this interesting aside:
Smith said grief counselors were on hand but that the fair continued after the incident.
WHAT DO GRIEF COUNSELORS DO?!?
Smith said grief counselors were on hand but that the fair continued after the incident.
WHAT DO GRIEF COUNSELORS DO?!?
Attacks in Iraq May Be Signals of New Tactics
Then again, they may be a signal that, having had poor luck killing our soldiers lately (shucks), they'll go after whatever they can go after.
I suspect a chart would show that since the much-mourned Saddam brothers got their 72 Helen Thomases or whatever, our casualties have gone down. More bad news for Reuters.
Then again, they may be a signal that, having had poor luck killing our soldiers lately (shucks), they'll go after whatever they can go after.
I suspect a chart would show that since the much-mourned Saddam brothers got their 72 Helen Thomases or whatever, our casualties have gone down. More bad news for Reuters.
REUTERS IS MAD. It wants an INQUIRY into the ASSASSINATION of its AWARD-WINNING CAMERAMAN. Of course, Reuters can get mad in other ways too: by doubling the number of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stories, by doubling the number of stories about our war dead, by doubling the number of stories on our incompetence, by doubling the number of prayers that our soldiers die in combat, and by just being the general useless pain where the sun don't shine that only NEWS HACKS can be.
One other thing. What would make Reuters madder: If a cameraman died at the hands of the Palestinians, or if he died at the hands of the Israelis? I don't mean to sound uncaring for the cameraman or his family, but these are, I repeat, NEWS HACKS, and as Ernie Pyle teaches us, they've died in military conflicts before.
One other thing. What would make Reuters madder: If a cameraman died at the hands of the Palestinians, or if he died at the hands of the Israelis? I don't mean to sound uncaring for the cameraman or his family, but these are, I repeat, NEWS HACKS, and as Ernie Pyle teaches us, they've died in military conflicts before.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
"How in a consolidated radio environment, where ... news departments have been eliminated from virtually every radio station, do we still have any mechanism for actually giving news?"
"Aiyf peepl want neews abahyut blackayouts they c'n always read eiyt eiyn th' papers!!" -- Lowsy Mays.
I think [the blackout] points out that you can never rely on a few media to do the job."
"And that's why we have such tre-MEN-dous -- DIVERSITY!!!!!" GENERAL JR. or Robert J. "Competition" Samuelson.
"Aiyf peepl want neews abahyut blackayouts they c'n always read eiyt eiyn th' papers!!" -- Lowsy Mays.
I think [the blackout] points out that you can never rely on a few media to do the job."
"And that's why we have such tre-MEN-dous -- DIVERSITY!!!!!" GENERAL JR. or Robert J. "Competition" Samuelson.
GoogleBlogger's been reasonably civilized these past two weeks, so what do I find? It's chopping entries out of my archives -- and I can't restore them!
Way to go, GoogleBlogger!
Way to go, GoogleBlogger!
Another full-blown blackout in New York is a question of when -- not if, according to utility experts....
The city's had three blackouts in 38 years, and some "expert" would say if?
The city's had three blackouts in 38 years, and some "expert" would say if?
Speaking of David v. Goliath, Consumers Union's top honcho mentions precisely that duo in complaining he'll have to spend millions fighting off Suzuki's lawsuit on the Samurai, still very much in the courts. Honest, I wonder where David went. Yes, Suzuki is a multi-billion company, 20%-owned by the tone-deaf managers of GM -- and Consumer Reports is one of America's leading magazines, and its publisher has easy access to the vast news media when it issues warnings. And perhaps CU is in trouble because it can never fully escape its New Deal and labor-union beginnings, or its friend-of-the-court alliance with the left, or its well-established biases -- CR is one important reason its boomer following thinks Japanese cars are better; it has also spoken out against SUVs. That said, Suzuki would have been better off admitting its fault and building a better SUV than throwing a decade-long tantrum.
By the way, have you been to the CHEAP's Web site lately? Oooh! I'm warm all over. "Unlocking Autism!" "Miami Police Assistance!" "$ for Diabetes Research!" "Spring Food Drive!" "Corn to Soldiers!" "Fighting Racism!" "CLEAR CHANNEL CARING FOR OUR COMMUNITIES!!!!!"
Just like some sort of space aliens. Caring for the communities -- while destroying them.
Just like some sort of space aliens. Caring for the communities -- while destroying them.
MORE FREE ENTERPRISE AT WORK: Today I was in a Rong-Aid -- the one where the imbecile clerks laughed at me (I'm forgiving, or stupid), the one that plays a radio station, a CHEAP CHANNEL, on its PA (annoying -- and illegal), and said Rong-Aid and CHEAP CHANNEL station subject me to an AOL Boobs 'n' Braves Channel, er, TBS Superstation ad for A PIECE OF JUNK, and at the end of said ad came the following friendly reminder: "Brought to you by Verizon." Which means many things: Verizon doesn't care what it spends its customers' money on, AOL cut a deal with Verizon and CHEAP CHANNEL to save money promoing the PIECE OF JUNK, and on and on and on. Already I can hear some idiot spokespoop mumbling, "Well we paid for Verizon Hall!" Yeah -- and you probably got more in tax breaks than you donated. Sorry morons, in most of your markets, you're still REGULATED, and the fact that you take pride in financing a PIECE OF JUNK on television tells me you want to waste OUR MONEY.
"Amin was a gifted man."
Gifted at genocide, gifted at decapitations, gifted at eating....
What if he hadn't been gifted?
Gifted at genocide, gifted at decapitations, gifted at eating....
What if he hadn't been gifted?
Another Devin (under what rock does BLUNDER find all these slugs?) says movies may now improve.
I can think of one reason movies may never improve: BLUNDER.
I can think of one reason movies may never improve: BLUNDER.
Holy cockroaches school their kids in ignorance.
Make that boys; girls deserve to be ignorant and unlearned.
Make that boys; girls deserve to be ignorant and unlearned.
Yes, the EU is suffering a crisis of values, as its smug dismissal of everything American proves; but so is the Catholic church, starting not least with its unwillingness to confront the evil within, and further evidenced by its condemning homosexuality and war in Iraq in the same breath without the slightest sense or nuance. The Pope served a magnificent historical purpose, but it has come time for him to step aside for a new Pope to confront a new century.
A grand jury has found scapegoats for the CRETINS' Fireworks Show, but when there are scapegoats, there may not be justice.
When a Gershwin or a Cole Porter died, everyone knew who he was, and what he wrote. When a Web site headlines, "Marvin Gaye songwriter dies," you go, HUH?
QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Version 483.04, Build 12.
When will these news-hack idiots realize we don't believe a word in these stories because they've been at their QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gag since before the war? And how does such automatic disbelief help the "free" press, or the truth?
When will these news-hack idiots realize we don't believe a word in these stories because they've been at their QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gag since before the war? And how does such automatic disbelief help the "free" press, or the truth?
Saturday, August 16, 2003
This should be fun: A reporter for the Beeb's going to sue BLUNDER for its story claiming the august news service scotched an al-Qaida investigation.
How do you root between villains?
How do you root between villains?
3000 dead in France from the heat -- but the wine will be perfect.
"'If you want me to try to your (media) products, then you should pay me.'" [Emphasis added.]
AMEN to that.
AMEN to that.
A JACK masterpiece about skateboarding emerged from the theaters in a body cast. Did it ever occur to The Conspiracy that skateboarders probably won't show for a movie on their own because they don't have any money?
Whatever happened to Tiger Woods®?
Who is St. Warren of Buffett more like: The Great and Powerful Oz, or HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey?
St. Warren of Buffett says Californians pay too little in property taxes.
Okay, St. Warren, since Ah-NULT has made you an honorary Californian, why don't you chip in?
Meantime THE POWERFUL CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE RULES COMMITTEE makes some phone calls and discovers he isn't that powerful.
The nice thing about the California recall is that everyone is making an ass of himself.
Okay, St. Warren, since Ah-NULT has made you an honorary Californian, why don't you chip in?
Meantime THE POWERFUL CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE RULES COMMITTEE makes some phone calls and discovers he isn't that powerful.
The nice thing about the California recall is that everyone is making an ass of himself.
Baylor's ex-coach took a page from Lefty Driesell's playbook -- only this guy told his players to talk to the police.
Lying isn't everything -- it's the only thing.
Lying isn't everything -- it's the only thing.
Several weeks after lgf announced it, Idi Amin finally kicks the bucket in that Saudi hospital.
May he shine shoes for Hitler and Stalin forever.
May he shine shoes for Hitler and Stalin forever.
Friday, August 15, 2003
A low-level food-fight: Kinsley.com's partisan crank Timothy Noah's on Ah-NULT's backside for not fully renouncing his praise of Kurt Waldheim, and Professor coproduction Roger L. Simon calls Noah a "troll."
As Vir-GIN-ia said, "Could we now go back to talking about something more interesting?"
As Vir-GIN-ia said, "Could we now go back to talking about something more interesting?"
I'll say it again: If ASWIA ever comes to its senses and decides to move its money out of increasingly bad and anti-social network TV and into targeted value-added Web advertising we'll hear less talk of paid content.
Slasher pictures are another pleasant diversion for which news hacks bear some responsibility. Even before he discovered the joys of infinite wealth at Disney praising nearly all movies (but especially his employer's) I recall how the late Gene "He Lived in an $8.25 Million Co-Op" Siskel distinguished between "good" slasher movies and "bad" slasher movies. The bad slasher movies, he opined, were the ones where women got killed. We now know where Roger "All Thumbs" Ebert got his compassion for the underprivileged Mumia Jamal. The more these idiots talked up certain movies once, like gross-out comedies, the more they're talking them down now -- to cover their odiferous tracks.
And Rob Lowe has signed up!
The next thing you know we'll hear Dick Clark's the campaign manager. Is he a Democrat?
The next thing you know we'll hear Dick Clark's the campaign manager. Is he a Democrat?
Now Ah-NULT has signed George Shultz. At first I thought he thought he had a foreign policy. Or maybe it was the tiger on his tail.
Blogging is talking to yourself at the water cooler.
Somebody gets arrested for blowing up infidels. Had he been chosen he could have gotten 72 Helen Thomases.
In this regional blackout the real test of news hacks will be if they can inspire riots. Thus far there have been none, and with power slowly returning to the afflicted region the prospect seems ever less likely. But panics are third only to fiction and advertising on the list of the news biz' leading products, so we must keep the wary eye open.
The Professor was in full news-gathering mode last night!
Just one problem: what good is blogging when the lights are out?
Just one problem: what good is blogging when the lights are out?
$1 million a year -- and "Duhhhhhh" Jesse isn't ready for prime time?!?
LIT-tle JEFFFFFFFF-rey! Time to do some WELCHING!
LIT-tle JEFFFFFFFF-rey! Time to do some WELCHING!
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Jack Shafer of Kinsley.com is having a field day with anecdotal reporting writ large. In defense of news hacks (!!) I'll say just because the reporting is superficial (as it almost always is) doesn't mean the trends aren't real -- and Kinsley.com is often the waterbug of Web news itself. (And no, no pun intended.)
The T word must inevitably come up with a story like this, but as this appears not to be T-word related, one must ask, does our nation's electrical supply have enough redundancy?
I hope the cable news hacks aren't trying to inspire a national panic, which would be their usual MO. The only good thing is, most of their target audience won't see it.
I hope the cable news hacks aren't trying to inspire a national panic, which would be their usual MO. The only good thing is, most of their target audience won't see it.
No matters what happens to the bloated International Obscure Sports Festival and Paid CEO Vacation Jaunt, it will never go out of business so long as it's owned by GE Bancorp.
News hacks in St. Paul are excited that 16,000 people attended the local Nitwits Nudism and Navel-Staring Festival. (I've been to ArtsJournal.com again grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!) WELL, 16,000 people is the equivalent to TEN sellouts on Broadway, and forty-thousand admissions wouldn't fill two days' worth of screenings at a gigaplex. But because Ed Rendell and the news hacks are enamored over such artistic onanism, we're stuck with it -- until somebody points out these naked theatre emperors are wearing threadbare clothes.
The clowns of professional college sport, whose bosses raise tuition by the double-digits every year, can moan about increasing "expenses" until Astroturf freezes over, but when your football team turns a nearly $22 million profit on over $28 million in revenues I say you're doing pretty good on the indentured servants.
When will professional college athletes demand profit sharing?
When will professional college athletes demand profit sharing?
Popular culture is awash with irresistible rats
And unpopular news hackery is awash with resistible dolts.
Has Trib Hartford Edition thought of selling space to writers instead?
And unpopular news hackery is awash with resistible dolts.
Has Trib Hartford Edition thought of selling space to writers instead?
Now EisnerCorp Network News is saying the missile sting wasn't much, which shouldn't surprise me either.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
A New York Times reporter and photographer, following up on a story about lost boaters at Kennedy International Airport, were themselves picked up by police Wednesday.
I guess the security works now.
I guess the security works now.
I suppose we should be charitable and hope it works, but this Lockerbie deal sounds like one big potential if-and-and-but, with Libya being the only real winner. In short, something GENERAL will take endless credit for.
Do the British betting houses make odds on things like how long the syphilitic Moammar keeeps his word?
Do the British betting houses make odds on things like how long the syphilitic Moammar keeeps his word?
Ah-NULT has hired St. Warren of Buffett.
He bought and held and bought and held. Why does that qualify him to know anything?
He bought and held and bought and held. Why does that qualify him to know anything?
If a conservative acts like a conservative, liberals make fun of him. If a conservative acts like a liberal, liberals make fun of him (especially in stories with asterisks*).
Whenever Kinsley.com runs something like this, Michael smirks.
Whenever Kinsley.com runs something like this, Michael smirks.
I see ESpeed, the electronic bond trader, is near a year-long high. This would interest few outside Wall Street but that ESpeed is a division of Cantor Fitzgerald, the old-line trading house nearly destroyed in the World Trade Center. That this firm could come back after such a catastrophe should hearten all of us.
Sorry, Osama, you lost.
Sorry, Osama, you lost.
Saudi Arabia relies greatly on its population of 6 million expatriate workers, including about 35,000 Americans and about 30,000 Britons, in its communications, power, technology, banking and other sectors. The kingdom counts on many U.S. experts for its oil industry.
What if they all got out of there?
What if they all got out of there?
I never really thought a la carte would have much sway in cable, given its logistical challenges and the -- SYNERGY. But now the word's being bandied about a little more. I know this: if a la carte becomes the cable menu of choice a lot of channels might go down the drain. For our national sanity, that would be a good thing.
I see Rush has been backpedaling on his Ah-NULT business. You'd think making a billion a year he'd realize he can say anything he wants. Heck, most talk-show hosts usually do anyway.
What's the word I'm looking for -- disingenuous?
What's the word I'm looking for -- disingenuous?
Hype blamed in box office bombs! [sic]
That's another way of saying, news hacks buttering up their connections and looking for work are to blame for box-office bombs.
That's another way of saying, news hacks buttering up their connections and looking for work are to blame for box-office bombs.
Speaking of predictions, so much for all those who said Slick would stay away from the Typhoid Mary of politics.
One thing is clear: This race will be fought in the sewer.
One thing is clear: This race will be fought in the sewer.
Less than a week and Ah-NULT -- or rather, his wife -- is shuffling the campaign team.
Looks like my two other predictions are slowly coming to pass.
Looks like my two other predictions are slowly coming to pass.
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Christopher Hitchens makes some valid points against Daniel Pipes, but is blunted by the medium -- the always snarky Kinsley.com.
lgf must be having a football.
UPDATE: Looks like I was wrong about lgf. As I learned through him, Dubya's appointing Daniel Pipes through the backdoor.
lgf must be having a football.
UPDATE: Looks like I was wrong about lgf. As I learned through him, Dubya's appointing Daniel Pipes through the backdoor.